View Full Version : Amusing shopping stories......
Jack Tarlin
03-12-2007, 19:14
I haven't started a humor thread for awhile, so here goes.....
I had a few hours off today so I went off to West Lebanon NH where the big supermarkets are (the Food Co-op in Hanover is perfectly nice, but you kinda have to be a Dean at the Medical School to afford to shop there on a regular basis).
I've been saving coupons religiously.... the idea is I go thru all the Sunday papers, clip and save coupons like a crazed Scottish housewife, then wait for the stuff to go on sale at Price Chopper, which then DOUBLES the coupon. If you are a good shopper, which I am, and a ruthlessly cheap bastard as well (which I can also be if need arises), you can save a pile of money.
Anyway, there I am, in the checkout line with around two hundred items all stacked up, except it was probably the same six or seven items: 75 Liptons and Pasta Ronis, a bunch of Squeeze butters, half a million Ziplox bags, piles of Peanut Butter, Parmesan Cheese, Kool-Aid, Pop Tarts, Granola Bars, Combos, and all sorts of other loathsome stuff no normal person would willingly eat in the real world......anywhere, there I am, and I hear the lady behind me in line whisper to her friend "That guy eats REALLY weird food!"
Anyone that saw someone preparing for a thru-hike without knowing what they were up to would think we were positively nuts.
And they'd be absolutely right.
If anyone else has a funny shopping story, I'd like to hear it.
Lone Wolf
03-12-2007, 19:25
one year in erwin a bunch of us got a ride from the nolichucky campgroud to whites grocery to resupply. this older hiker fella was in the line in front. he had the usual hiker fare plus a box of unscented super/duper maxi pads. he wasn't hiking with a lady so i was puzzled. got back to the hostel and i asked him what the pads were for. he duct taped them to his shoulder straps for padding cuz they were worn out. his trail name became "pads".
Jester2000
03-12-2007, 21:22
So a friend of mine who shall remain nameless suggested wearing pantyhose to cut down on chafing. Upon going into a drug store to get a pair I realized that I had no idea what size I wore, and the sizing system was all letters. No inches or anything.
I approached a saleslady and said, "Excuse me ma'am. I have a question, and you can feel free to laugh at me."
I then stood back a step or two so she could get a good look at me.
"What size pantyhose would you guess I'd wear."
She did have a good laugh, but you know what? She guessed my size exactly.
Hey Jester, what's your size and when's your birthday?/
Was at J.C. Penney. Asked the young lady salesclerk if they had any of those Isotoner slippers that would fit me... Poor 19 year old about turned inside out. 55 year oldish clerk next to her never batted an eye, rattled off two mail order names and wished me luck.
The woman behind me gave me a nasty smile. I still think those little slippers would be comfy. Not sure if I would want the ones with the bow or not... The mail order places were stilletos and other stuff in men's sizes.
Dances with Mice
03-12-2007, 23:34
"Six and seven-eighths?!" (http://home.tiac.net/~cri/2004/bra.html)
The rest of the story... (http://www.cowboypoetry.com/yh.htm#Bra)
Jack Tarlin
03-13-2007, 17:42
Jester:
I'm glad she got your size right.
Did it work? :-?
Gray Blazer
03-13-2007, 19:36
Jack, thanks for starting a humor thread. I can't think of a funny hiker shopping story. Your's was funny. I think the ladies have a vast female conspiracy about men shopping for their stuff. My wife, being housebound, often sends me for girl stuff and I swear they hide it from the guys or it's just not in a logical place if you know what I mean. I always search and search and then I have to ask a female cerk and then it won't be priced so they have to announce on the loudspeaker "Price on female ......, etc."
Actually, I remember one time I was at the supermarket buying a bottle of soda and I was behind an old lady with a huge cart of groceries. When the checker finally rang me up he said, "That will be one hundred and sixty five dollars." And I said, "WHAAAT!?!" And he said, "Your Mom said you would pay for her groceries" pointing to the old lady who was out front loading her groceries into a taxi. I bolted out the door and ran to the taxi just as she was about to shut the door. I grabbed her by the leg and I started pulling. I was pulling her leg just like I'm pulling yours.
Old Hillwalker
03-13-2007, 19:39
When I retired from the Army I immediately enrolled at UMd at 38 as an undergraduate. I had let my hair grow for about two years and looked rather shaggy. Anyway one day while shopping at the Army Commissary at Ft McNair in DC I was behind a really strack looking full bird colonel who had been giving me one of those "dam-ed hippy" looks. He had just placed six Cornish Game Hens on the belt when the checker asked him what he was going to do with them. He responded by saying "I take them home and smoke them, and they are wonderful". Me being the wise azz that I have always been, piped up with; "I tried smoking them and can't keep the dam-nd things lit". At that point, the whole line of people broke out laughing. That ol bird colonel couldn't get out of there fast enough:D
illusionistG
03-13-2007, 23:17
When I retired from the Army I immediately enrolled at UMd at 38 as an undergraduate. I had let my hair grow for about two years and looked rather shaggy. Anyway one day while shopping at the Army Commissary at Ft McNair in DC I was behind a really strack looking full bird colonel who had been giving me one of those "dam-ed hippy" looks. He had just placed six Cornish Game Hens on the belt when the checker asked him what he was going to do with them. He responded by saying "I take them home and smoke them, and they are wonderful". Me being the wise azz that I have always been, piped up with; "I tried smoking them and can't keep the dam-nd things lit". At that point, the whole line of people broke out laughing. That ol bird colonel couldn't get out of there fast enough:D
Probably was one of those rare type of colonels...full "Hen" colonel.
Undershaft
03-14-2007, 20:38
[
Actually, I remember one time I was at the supermarket buying a bottle of soda and I was behind an old lady with a huge cart of groceries. When the checker finally rang me up he said, "That will be one hundred and sixty five dollars." And I said, "WHAAAT!?!" And he said, "Your Mom said you would pay for her groceries" pointing to the old lady who was out front loading her groceries into a taxi. I bolted out the door and ran to the taxi just as she was about to shut the door. I grabbed her by the leg and I started pulling. I was pulling her leg just like I'm pulling yours.[/quote]
Thats one of my favorite Tom Waits bits. Classic!
Jester2000
03-17-2007, 04:28
Jester:
I'm glad she got your size right.
Did it work? :-?
Yep. . . . .
mweinstone
03-17-2007, 08:20
got to yell rat and start a panic at woolworths department store .about a hundred folks turned and screemed at the bastard. it was christmas. it really was a large mouse. still, starting a panic is the coolest.
While on a long hike, headed into town for typical chores. We found one of those Grocery Store/LaundraMat combinations with direct access to eachother. Was hiking with a skinny, short, 69 year old who felt no need to waste time if it wasn't necessary. He striped down to his shorts in the laundry, put his clothes into the washer, then proceeded to the Grocery half of the store.
The site of him pushing his cart around the grocery store with only his shorts and flipflops on had all of the local women chuckling and some actually laughing out loud. He even had a small group of the older ladies following him around making suggestions! I'm sure he was the talk of the grocery store crowd for weeks after.
Sleepy the Arab
03-18-2007, 00:51
Yep. . . . .
It still doesn't answer the question why you still wear them seven years after your thru-hike. And quit showing me every Trail Days! Makes me right uncomfortable, you know....
Wanderingson
03-18-2007, 01:03
After being a single dad of two teenage girls and one teen son, I quickly learned the fine art of purchasing female products, assesories and clothing. This was particularly a challenge around Christmas time. When my daughter was 17 I asked for her wish list. One of the items on her list was a "water bra" from Victoria's Secret. I asked her about this and was amazed that they made something like this, but hey that's what she wanted.
So there I am, I roll into the local Victoria's Secret and am immediately greeted by a charming young lady. I asked her if they carried something called a water bra. She said yes sir, they are right over here. She showed me the whole selection and I picked out a couple in the size requested. As I was about to head over to the check out counter, she said, we have the matching panties as well.
With a dead serious look on my face, I said "You have water panties also". She stood there looking at me in total disbelief before I let her off the hook and began laughing.
That moment was absolutely priceless.
Gray Blazer
03-18-2007, 01:18
Any funny stories about buying edible pantys? I attended an informal office party for a bride (a rather homely one IMO) and when she received the afore mentioned gift I almost gagged (to put it mildly).
Obsidian
03-18-2007, 03:10
Any funny stories about buying edible pantys? I attended an informal office party for a bride (a rather homely one IMO) and when she received the afore mentioned gift I almost gagged (to put it mildly).
buy? DIY with a crochet hook and red licorice string...
Obsidian
03-18-2007, 03:12
while camping in Kentucky, we went to a local grocery store/gas station/ video store/ video store/ deer check station/ restaurant/taxidermy museum my friend went in and asked for shaving cream and asked the guy at the counter if it was tested on animals (she's a vegan) to which the guy replied "Whatcha going to do Shave yer dog" it was quite funny at the time
buy? DIY with a crochet hook and red licorice string...
Hey, I am all for saving a buck or two by DIY. I will need a model though.:-?
You up to it? :D
Obsidian
03-18-2007, 09:41
um no, but feel free to crochet other things out of the shoe string licorce perhaps a beer cozy or a poncho
Jester2000
03-18-2007, 17:35
. . .or a Ford ranger.
Brrrb Oregon
03-19-2007, 16:55
After being a single dad of two teenage girls and one teen son, I quickly learned the fine art of purchasing female products, assesories and clothing. This was particularly a challenge around Christmas time. When my daughter was 17 I asked for her wish list. One of the items on her list was a "water bra" from Victoria's Secret. I asked her about this and was amazed that they made something like this, but hey that's what she wanted.
So there I am, I roll into the local Victoria's Secret and am immediately greeted by a charming young lady. I asked her if they carried something called a water bra. She said yes sir, they are right over here. She showed me the whole selection and I picked out a couple in the size requested. As I was about to head over to the check out counter, she said, we have the matching panties as well.
With a dead serious look on my face, I said "You have water panties also". She stood there looking at me in total disbelief before I let her off the hook and began laughing.
That moment was absolutely priceless.
This reminds me of being in a Victoria Secret with my husband. The sales clerk was going through a drawer of bras, looking for the ones in my size, and every time she pulled a bra even partly clear of the drawer, he told her whether the cup size was correct or not before she could read the tag herself.
Call it a gift. The perplexed look on her face was priceless, though.
I recently was in another store and heard a clerk mention out loud that she thought it was odd that one customer's credit card read "James", when he had told her that his name was "Jim". I guess "Bill" and "William" and "Bob" and "Robert" must really throw her for a loop. (Let's not even get stared with guys named "Skip" and "Scooter". :rolleyes: )
I went off to college at Mississipp State in 1972. I had shoulder length hair, that had been bleached out in the sun, due to working outside all summer. My girlfriend and I drove over to Columbus, Ms. where there was an all girls college. She wanted to go shopping. There were girls between the ages of 18-21 everywhere.
We are browsing around a store when a clerk asked us from behind, "may I help you ladies". When I turned around she was as embarressed as I was. Got a haircut that day. Never wore it long again.
sherrill
03-19-2007, 17:23
On the hair note:
In 81 a friend and I did the Hot Springs/Damascus section. After Roan we got a ride into Elk Park (I think) to resupply at a small gas station.
I was a freshman in college, long hair, shaggy beard. Standing in line to pay, an old, toothless woman stared at me and said "Hip-py".
I said, "Pardon?" and she repeated, "Hip-py".
Somewhat flustered and not wanting to piss anyone off (this was the local hangout, a checkers game was afoot in the corner), I said in my best Southern drawl, "No ma'am, I'm just a hiker, not a hippy"
With a disgusted look on her face she said "I'ze jus askin' iffa I could hep ye!"
Old Grouse
03-19-2007, 17:25
"[H}e told her whether the cup size was correct or not before she could read the tag herself."
An acquaintance of mine has that talent, too. Of course he spent a careeer as a product developer for Playtex. Talk about blending your hobby and your occupation!
Brrrb Oregon
03-19-2007, 18:27
"[H}e told her whether the cup size was correct or not before she could read the tag herself."
An acquaintance of mine has that talent, too. Of course he spent a careeer as a product developer for Playtex. Talk about blending your hobby and your occupation!
And it gives a professional excuse for the embarrassment of being caught making eye-to-breast contact in favor of eye-to-eye contact.....if she believes you! :rolleyes:
I'd still recommend ducking, to be on the safe side. :D
one year in erwin a bunch of us got a ride from the nolichucky campgroud to whites grocery to resupply. this older hiker fella was in the line in front. he had the usual hiker fare plus a box of unscented super/duper maxi pads. he wasn't hiking with a lady so i was puzzled. got back to the hostel and i asked him what the pads were for. he duct taped them to his shoulder straps for padding cuz they were worn out. his trail name became "pads".
a lie or a joke, wich are you looking for?