View Full Version : Understanding Engineers
Understanding Engineers - Take One:
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a Particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The Graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The Graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Skidsteer
03-26-2008, 20:47
Whoo boy.
I can't wait for DWM, Two Speed, and Terrapin to get a hold of this one.
Jim Adams
03-26-2008, 20:50
LMAO...now thats funny but I don't get it...whats all this got to do with train drivers?
geek
Dances with Mice
03-26-2008, 21:17
Whoo boy.
I can't wait for DWM, Two Speed, and Terrapin to get a hold of this one.No comment needed on this, Skids, since it's all based on the fallacy that someone can understand engineers.
Nice Tin Man
I'll have to bring this to work and share with other fellow engineers.
A little homor is good as I slave away all the while dreaming about being on the trail. :cool:
My wife rolled her eyes at me and mumbled something about engineers when she saw I was weighing and logging each peice of gear into a spread sheet. I split the spread sheet out into three catagories, food, pack weight and weight on body. What else am I supposed to do in the middle of a New Hampshire winter when I've got cabin fever as I stare out at the thigh deep snow....
The Engineering Building at a prominent university was supposed to be 8 stories tall. When the smart engineers looked at the architects' plans and studied the site, they decided the bedrock underneath would not take the weight and the building would slowly slide into main street.
So, being smart engineers, they built the building with 4 stories on the right and 4 stories on the left and connected them at the hip. Well, anyone trying to get from one side to the other always gets confused by this arrangement, some even get lost and the Engineering School will forever be the example of how not to architect or build a building.
True story, so the rumor goes as to where all the 'smart' architects and engineers go.
My wife rolled her eyes at me and mumbled something about engineers when she saw I was weighing and logging each peice of gear into a spread sheet. I split the spread sheet out into three catagories, food, pack weight and weight on body. What else am I supposed to do in the middle of a New Hampshire winter when I've got cabin fever as I stare out at the thigh deep snow....
I do the same AND I plot my section hiking miles in a spread sheet as well. Funny thing is my partner/brother is the engineer and he can't be bothered. But, if I don't do it he gets all uppity about it. :)
Dances with Mice
03-26-2008, 22:09
They are cute jokes and there's more here (http://www.frontiernet.net/~tzuleger/webjokes/engineerjokes.htm), a site that looks like it was created by a software engineer since the choice of text and background colors makes the features nearly unreadable. But don't call them "engineer jokes".
Engineer jokes are jokes told by engineers to other engineers, which means nobody else can understand them and even if someone does, the jokes aren't very funny.
As an example:
What is the integral of d(cabin) / cabin ?
The answer is either "Houseboat".
(The integral of d(cabin) / cabin is log (cabin) + C, which is a houseboat).
See?
They are cute jokes and there's more here (http://www.frontiernet.net/~tzuleger/webjokes/engineerjokes.htm), a site that looks like it was created by a software engineer since the choice of text and background colors makes the features nearly unreadable. But don't call them "engineer jokes".
Engineer jokes are jokes told by engineers to other engineers, which means nobody else can understand them and even if someone does, the jokes aren't very funny.
As an example:
What is the integral of d(cabin) / cabin ?
The answer is either "Houseboat".
(The integral of d(cabin) / cabin is log (cabin) + C, which is a houseboat).
See?What the hell just heppened here? :o
Skidsteer
03-26-2008, 22:19
They are cute jokes and there's more here (http://www.frontiernet.net/~tzuleger/webjokes/engineerjokes.htm), a site that looks like it was created by a software engineer since the choice of text and background colors makes the features nearly unreadable. But don't call them "engineer jokes".
Engineer jokes are jokes told by engineers to other engineers, which means nobody else can understand them and even if someone does, the jokes aren't very funny.
As an example:
What is the integral of d(cabin) / cabin ?
The answer is either "Houseboat".
(The integral of d(cabin) / cabin is log (cabin) + C, which is a houseboat).
See?
You oughta post that on the math thread just for grins.
Dances with Mice
03-26-2008, 22:21
The answer is either "Houseboat".
Either "Houseboat" or "Ark". Even on unfunny jokes that nobody understands we screw up the punch lines.
I'm too dumb to be a engineer, but I usually read at least one structural engineers letter a day... Once in a while ya get a lol funny one, typically involving a CYA situation..can't blame the poor devils for trying.
envirodiver
03-27-2008, 01:15
As an engineer I must say that I resemble that remark(s).
I'm too dumb to be a engineer, but I usually read at least one structural engineers letter a day... Once in a while ya get a lol funny one, typically involving a CYA situation..can't blame the poor devils for trying.
It's all a matter of probabilities and blunders. Even if all the blunders are eliminated, there's still the 1 in 10^6 chance of failure. The longer they practice, the more certain that seems. Makes them nervous.
minnesotasmith
03-27-2008, 01:32
Q: What is the minimum # of engineers it takes to design anything?
A: Two; one to do it -- and one to make him stop. ;)
envirodiver
03-27-2008, 01:34
Q: What is the minimum # of engineers it takes to design anything?
A: Two; one to do it -- and one to make him stop. ;)
LOL that is sooooo true. I've had to tell a number of design engineers...stop you are done!!!!
LOL that is sooooo true. I've had to tell a number of design engineers...stop you are done!!!!
Yes!!!! meeting the requirements is as far as you should go!! All the "neat extra features" cost money and schedule not to mention extra risk on verification/validation!!!!!:eek:
They are cute jokes and there's more here (http://www.frontiernet.net/~tzuleger/webjokes/engineerjokes.htm), a site that looks like it was created by a software engineer since the choice of text and background colors makes the features nearly unreadable. But don't call them "engineer jokes".
Engineer jokes are jokes told by engineers to other engineers, which means nobody else can understand them and even if someone does, the jokes aren't very funny.
As an example:
What is the integral of d(cabin) / cabin ?
The answer is either "Houseboat".
(The integral of d(cabin) / cabin is log (cabin) + C, which is a houseboat).
See?
Too funny !!!:D
Given:
women = moneyXtime
time = money
money = root of all evil
Therefore:
women = (sqrt(root evil))X(sqrt(root evil))
women = (sqrt(root evil))*2
women = evil
Too funny !!!:D
Given:
women = moneyXtime
time = money
money = root of all evil
Therefore:
women = (sqrt(root evil))X(sqrt(root evil))
women = (sqrt(root evil))*2
women = evil
And therefore you have a nice bike.
sigh. My youngest son will begin college in the fall. He'll be an engineering student.
sigh. sigh. I've been married to his father for 24 years. He's a CPA.
Sympathy for me, please. I have to live with these people. . . . and their "humor".
Two Speed
03-27-2008, 08:15
Whoo boy.
I can't wait for DWM, Two Speed, and Terrapin to get a hold of this one.It's a math thing. They wouldn't understand. :cool:
sigh. My youngest son will begin college in the fall. He'll be an engineering student.
sigh. sigh. I've been married to his father for 24 years. He's a CPA.
Sympathy for me, please. I have to live with these people. . . . and their "humor".Well, just try to steer your son away from the sanitary specialty if he's taking the civil program. They tell some really ****ty jokes.
Dances with Mice
03-27-2008, 08:27
And therefore you have a nice bike.Quite right. And now to explain Engineering Section Managers....
As everyone knows
(....hint to mundanes - be alert if an engineer ever uses those words...)
Knowledge is Power and Time is Money. Right?
(2nd hint to mundanes - if an engineer prompts you to agree with him, it's a trap. Engineers really don't care if you agree with them or not.).
And as engineers know...
(third hint to mundanes - oh, nevermind)
Power = Work / Time.
For the mundanes I'll break this next bit down into two steps.
Substituting:
Knowledge = Work / Time.
then Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solve for money: Money = Work / Knowledge.
And there you have it. Money approaches infinity as knowledge decreases, the amount of work done is irrelevant. Or, stated another way, the more you make, the less you know.
skinny minnie
03-27-2008, 08:55
My last two relationships (including current) have been with engineers. I think I have a problem! And the scary thing is, I'm an artist.
Two Speed
03-27-2008, 08:58
My last two relationships (including current) have been with engineers. I think I have a problem! And the scary thing is, I'm an artist.Look at it this way: you never have to worry about them looking at another woman.
(Unless she's riding a really nice bicycle.)
skinny minnie
03-27-2008, 09:05
Look at it this way: you never have to worry about them looking at another woman.
(Unless she's riding a really nice bicycle.)
HAHAHAHAHA.
Oh boy. I could say so many things right now. But I'm going to stay out of trouble!
vonfrick
03-27-2008, 09:14
They are cute jokes and there's more here (http://www.frontiernet.net/~tzuleger/webjokes/engineerjokes.htm), a site that looks like it was created by a software engineer since the choice of text and background colors makes the features nearly unreadable. But don't call them "engineer jokes".
Engineer jokes are jokes told by engineers to other engineers, which means nobody else can understand them and even if someone does, the jokes aren't very funny.
As an example:
What is the integral of d(cabin) / cabin ?
The answer is either "Houseboat".
(The integral of d(cabin) / cabin is log (cabin) + C, which is a houseboat).
See?
hehehe...that's funny
taildragger
03-27-2008, 09:21
sigh. My youngest son will begin college in the fall. He'll be an engineering student.
sigh. sigh. I've been married to his father for 24 years. He's a CPA.
Sympathy for me, please. I have to live with these people. . . . and their "humor".
Just be glad that they aren't physicists, are jokes are far worse.
BTW, has anyone seen Schrodinger's cat?
Dances with Mice
03-27-2008, 09:26
Just be glad that they aren't physicists, are jokes are far worse.
BTW, has anyone seen Schrodinger's cat?I tried that experiment. The SPCA might drop charges but I don't know what the chances are.
Here in PA professional engineers are not yet required to receive continuing education credits.
However, licensed water and wastewater operators ARE required to do continuing ed. I get to interact with these folks regularly and they think that disparity is perhaps unfair.
So I now say: "Well, that's proof positive that a PA licensed P.E. already knows everything." [pause] "And if you don't believe me, just ask one." (At which point the operators nod in agreement.)
Just be glad that they aren't physicists, are jokes are far worse.
BTW, has anyone seen Schrodinger's cat?
Our jokes are great, for example: What do you get when you cross a monkey and a physicist?
(answer to follow in the next post)
By the way, Schrodinger's cat is dead.
Our jokes are great, for example: What do you get when you cross a monkey and a physicist?
(answer to follow in the next post)
By the way, Schrodinger's cat is dead.
monkey * physicist * sin(theta) (Orthogonal to both monkey and physicist, of course)
By the way Schrodinger's cat is not dead.
Dances with Mice
03-27-2008, 11:07
By the way, Schrodinger's cat is dead.
By the way Schrodinger's cat is not dead.I think you're right.
The best explanation I ever read is here. (http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_122.html)
Schroedinger is dead, but his cat quasi-lives on. Nobody has opened the box yet?
Dances with Mice
03-27-2008, 11:28
Schroedinger is dead, but his cat quasi-lives on. Nobody has opened the box yet?No, scientists won't open it because the device may go off when the box is opened. The engineering solution, obviously, would be to contract out the opening offshore.
taildragger
03-27-2008, 11:35
monkey * physicist * sin(theta) (Orthogonal to both monkey and physicist, of course)
By the way Schrodinger's cat is not dead.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber
You can't, a mountain climber is a scaler
Dances with Mice
03-27-2008, 11:42
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?
You can't, a mountain climber is a scalerScalar? Steallar! That was bad. I am so going to steal it.
I am so mortal.
The first thing that came to mind was a runny nose from hell.
Two Speed
03-27-2008, 11:53
Soooo, Tin Man, given the quality of humor on this thread are you sorry you started this?
Before you answer that remember we a bunch more of these jokes.
RadioFreq
03-27-2008, 14:28
My last two relationships (including current) have been with engineers. I think I have a problem! And the scary thing is, I'm an artist.
Obviously a yin and yang thing.
minnesotasmith
03-27-2008, 14:39
My last two relationships (including current) have been with engineers. I think I have a problem! And the scary thing is, I'm an artist.
SOMEONE in the household has to have a (real) job. While they're designing car door window handles (for >$50K/year), the typical liberal arts major is asking "Would you like fries with that?". ;)
Good thinking, but there IS an alternative; scientists are on average less geeky than engineers, and we usually make almost as much money. :D
Soooo, Tin Man, given the quality of humor on this thread are you sorry you started this?
Before you answer that remember we a bunch more of these jokes.
No issue for me. I'm not an engineer, but my hiking partner/brother is and the material is appreciated. :D
No, scientists won't open it because the device may go off when the box is opened. The engineering solution, obviously, would be to contract out the opening offshore.
No, the economical solution is to drop the box from a sufficient height and autopsy the remains to determine the time and manner of death. Engineers are not cat lovers.
Dances with Mice
03-27-2008, 16:01
No, the economical solution is to drop the box from a sufficient height and autopsy the remains to determine the time and manner of death. Engineers are not cat lovers.All true. But the mundanes get upset when we start gathering data to determine sufficient height. I don't know why.
insider2185
03-27-2008, 16:36
truely great thread
--coming from the guy who started in civil engineering, and now (finally seeing the light) is in mathematics.
Jim Adams
03-27-2008, 16:54
truely great thread
--coming from the guy who started in civil engineering, and now (finally seeing the light) is in mathematics.
...the light wasn't that bright eh?:D
geek
taildragger
03-27-2008, 17:09
truely great thread
--coming from the guy who started in civil engineering, and now (finally seeing the light) is in mathematics.
You just haven't seen the boson gas for what its truly worth, come on over to physics and put your mathematical skills to solving relevant problems, like whats the efficiency of a carnot engine using a photon gas as the fluid, or finding the fermi pressure of certain objects.
taildragger
03-27-2008, 17:11
SOMEONE in the household has to have a (real) job. While they're designing car door window handles (for >$50K/year), the typical liberal arts major is asking "Would you like fries with that?". ;)
Good thinking, but there IS an alternative; scientists are on average less geeky than engineers, and we usually make almost as much money. :D
Odd, my I've had friends that started as liberal arts candidates and dropped out of college and are making more money than I will make as an engineer in corp america.
IMHO engineers are cranked out at a low quality, given a high initial salary, then the ones who know how to do the actual work don't get promoted because of they're too technical. I hate management...
Lanthar Mandragoran
03-27-2008, 17:23
Odd, my I've had friends that started as liberal arts candidates and dropped out of college and are making more money than I will make as an engineer in corp america.
IMHO engineers are cranked out at a low quality, given a high initial salary, then the ones who know how to do the actual work don't get promoted because of they're too technical. I hate management...
Which is the base theory underlying:
Quite right. And now to explain Engineering Section Managers....
As everyone knows
(....hint to mundanes - be alert if an engineer ever uses those words...)
Knowledge is Power and Time is Money. Right?
(2nd hint to mundanes - if an engineer prompts you to agree with him, it's a trap. Engineers really don't care if you agree with them or not.).
And as engineers know...
(third hint to mundanes - oh, nevermind)
Power = Work / Time.
For the mundanes I'll break this next bit down into two steps.
Substituting:
Knowledge = Work / Time.
then Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solve for money: Money = Work / Knowledge.
And there you have it. Money approaches infinity as knowledge decreases, the amount of work done is irrelevant. Or, stated another way, the more you make, the less you know.
Dances with Mice
03-27-2008, 20:23
Odd, my I've had friends that started as liberal arts candidates and dropped out of college and are making more money than I will make as an engineer in corp america.My daughter has a degree in Journalism with a minor in Marketing. She's been working 5 years at an ad agency and is now making more than me.
So my youngest just changed her major to Art. I said go for it.
taildragger
03-27-2008, 20:52
My daughter has a degree in Journalism with a minor in Marketing. She's been working 5 years at an ad agency and is now making more than me.
So my youngest just changed her major to Art. I said go for it.
Yulp, its sad that we've become a service minded nation, I wish things were still made here, maybe that would change where the money goes. Engineers make the world run and drive the technology forward that everyone else leeches off of to make themselves look better or to make their own money, When I worked in the gas patch the operators made a lot more than the engineers, and when I worked in semiconductors, no-one seemed to care that our division was the reason that the rest of the company could make huge profits, and the way that the economics were projected showed us as the only division losing money (odd that a tech based company that uses their own technology and makes money with it has a technology dept that doesn't make money, unless you're an investor, then the tech made lots of money...)
So, to deal with this, the humor aspect has become more prevalent.
http://xkcd.com/228/
http://xkcd.com/199/ (this one is awesome)
http://xkcd.com/263/
http://xkcd.com/273/
and who could forget
http://youtube.com/watch?v=CmYDgncMhXw
Dances with Mice
03-27-2008, 20:59
We're getting way too serious. The original list seems a little dated. Shirley we can update it. (... I might point out that it is after 8 PM, standard warnings apply....)
YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF....
You remember your children's ages by recalling what project you were working on when they were born.
Your best luggage is swag from a technical conference.
You need sentence context to determine the meaning of 'swag'.
You've spent a Friday evening in a bar after work telling slide rule war stories.
You still have electronic data that no software made in the last 10 years can read.
The files on your portable USB device are better organized than your cell phone addresses. (...busted...)
You have 4 different types of mechanical pencil lead in your desk drawer.
You've formed first impressions of people just by looking at their coffee cup.
You can find data from 20 years ago within an hour but wouldn't know where to begin looking for your marriage license.
You thought that getting a new file cabinet should rate a mention in your annual project highlight summary.
Your college basketball team made the Sweet 16 but you didn't know it until someone at work mentioned it.
You know how many degrees of separation there are between you and Einstein. (Or maybe that's just me. I also have 3 degrees of separation between me and Madonna. Just thought you'd like to know...)
You've forgotten your wife's birthday more often than your secretary's.
You bring your son's college graduation picture into work and find that you're replacing his kindergarten picture.
You know the amount of storage left on your computer hard drive but not the size of your car engine. (...ok, so that just means you're a geek...)
You see people in the lunchroom and know exactly on what project they worked with you, but not their names.
You have a favorite mechanical pencil.
You've ever been envious of someone else's laser pointer.
You've skipped corporate reorganization meetings to debug an Excel spreadsheet.
More?
taildragger
03-27-2008, 21:15
You might be an engr if you can calculate an 18% tip in your head faster than most people can get out their tip card
You might be an engineer you have the never ending project syndrome
You should have been an engineer if your a stove builder
You might be an engineer if you've ever tried to take the fourier transform of a cat (it's a strange function)
You are an engineer if you're at the bar and start frantically solving that hard problem on a napkin (do this one way too often)
You might be an engineer if you don't believe in aesthetics, only practical features matter
You might be an engineer if you own an oscilloscope for home projects
You might be an engineer if you have an easier time remembering physical constants than people's names
You might be an engineer if you consider a well done P&ID a work of art
Thats all that I can think of for now, its getting later, and I should be in the lab doing photolith instead of being in the computer lab working.
Yes there's more... (From personal experience )
YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF....
Your calculator is one of your prized possessions
You calculate gas mileage comparisons with and without cruise control
You drive your car exclusively based on the previous calculations
You attempt to come up with an equation that when integrated and graphed looks like Mount Washington
You create a spreadsheet that accepts a requirement specification dump and then populates about ten different pie charts tracking all kinds of useful and just cool metrics that you can present to the team
You own a digital oscilloscope
You own a PIC programmer and breadboard
More???
oh ya, Dilbert is your source of cubical entertainment :banana
_terrapin_
03-27-2008, 22:22
Engineers (and scientists) make it possible to live. Artists give us a reason to live. That said, I believe that engineering, at its best, approaches art. There certainly is a lot of creativity in it, at least on good days.
When I see great engineering, I think of that line from Keats (Ode on a Grecian Urn): "Beauty is truth, truth beauty," - that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."
I don't make much of the distinction between engineers and scientists; there's a huge overlap. Engineers live or die by the scientific method. Any science conducted in the real world (as opposed to pure theory) involves engineering.
I highly recommend "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" (by Robert Pirsig) for anyone interested in these matters -- that is, the connections between left/right brain, art/science, the mind of the engineer, etc.
taildragger
03-27-2008, 22:28
Thread drift
http://www.newsoftheodd.com/content/view/220/29
Jimmy Carter rabbit attack
And back to engineering
minnesotasmith
03-28-2008, 01:05
Engineers (and scientists) make it possible to live. Artists give us a reason to live. .."
I don't make much of the distinction between engineers and scientists; there's a huge overlap. Engineers live or die by the scientific method. Any science conducted in the real world (as opposed to pure theory) involves engineering.
Good artists, sure. Most are completely worthless in terms of inspiring anyone. Who cares about bogus folk art/"Modern" art, or 99% of books 30 years after they're printed? (Andy Warhol, Jaquelline Susanne, Barbara Cartland -- they might as well have not lived from a creative standpoint IMO.)
Now, Rudyard Kipling, Ralph Emerson, William Wordsworth, Thomas Jefferson, Robert Burns, Ayn Rand, Henry Thoreau, Hammurabi, Homer, George Orwell, Leonardo Da Vinci, Julia Howe, William Blackstone, Robert Service, Francis Key, Ludwig von Mises, Ludwig van Beethoven, Claude de Lisle, perhaps even the illustrators Frank Frazetta and H.R. Giger -- their stuff will live forever.
taildragger
03-28-2008, 01:24
Good artists, sure. Most are completely worthless in terms of inspiring anyone. Who cares about bogus folk art/"Modern" art, or 99% of books 30 years after they're printed? (Andy Warhol, Jaquelline Susanne, Barbara Cartland -- they might as well have not lived from a creative standpoint IMO.)
Now, Rudyard Kipling, Ralph Emerson, William Wordsworth, Thomas Jefferson, Robert Burns, Ayn Rand, Henry Thoreau, Hammurabi, Homer, George Orwell, Leonardo Da Vinci, Julia Howe, William Blackstone, Robert Service, Francis Key, Ludwig von Mises, Ludwig van Beethoven, Claude de Lisle, perhaps even the illustrators Frank Frazetta and H.R. Giger -- their stuff will live forever.
Odd, what you scoff at as modern art might one day be a masterpiece, thats how the biz works.
I gotta admit that I love my pure simple machines, but what an artists can do to an otherwise dreary building is sometimes amazing.
IMHO Frank Lloyd Wright was one of the top artist of the 20th century
taildragger
03-28-2008, 01:29
On a similar note
You may find this helpful around the house/garage....
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
senseless.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.
DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer
minnesotasmith
03-28-2008, 01:49
IMHO Frank Lloyd Wright was one of the top artist of the 20th century
Oh, he was good, no question...
Not a Howard Roark or Steven Mallory, though. ;)
Dances with Mice
03-28-2008, 06:27
Tooldragger: You forgot the "ghost socket". That's the socket in the size you need. It's also the only one missing from your set.
And "pocket tool". Get you minds out of the gutter - it's the tool you spent 45 minutes tearing up the garage to find before locating it in your pocket.
Google "humor", MS.
I don't make much of the distinction between engineers and scientists; there's a huge overlap. Engineers live or die by the scientific method.
To my mind, the difference between an engineer and a scientist is - the engineer has to come up with an answer!
To my mind, the difference between an engineer and a scientist is - the engineer has to come up with an answer!
and live with the solution
Dances with Mice
03-28-2008, 08:24
Engineers live or die by the scientific method. Chem E's live or die by pressure containment capabilities and occasionally fire suppresion techniques.
_terrapin_
03-28-2008, 08:28
Chem E's live or die by pressure containment capabilities and occasionally fire suppresion techniques.
EEs know a bit about the latter...
Though these days the energy-per-gate in our chips is measured in pico- or femto-mousefarts.
Two Speed
03-28-2008, 08:36
What's the conversion factor between femto-mousefarts and furlongs per fortnight? Can't seem to find that one on my HP48.
_terrapin_
03-28-2008, 08:41
What's the conversion factor between femto-mousefarts and furlongs per fortnight? Can't seem to find that one on my HP48.
I'm sure it involves the square root of minus one, somehow. For that, you need the HP-48i.
Two Speed
03-28-2008, 08:43
Mmm, may have to work that out with a pencil.
Which brings up another lame joke:
How does a mathematician deal with constipation?
He works it out with a pencil. :eek:
How does a mathematician deal with constipation?
He works it out with a pencil. :eek:
Now I am sorry I started this thread.
Two Speed
03-28-2008, 08:47
Okey doke, my work here is done.
Okey doke, my work here is done.
Let's not be hasty just cause I forgot the smilie. :)
Two Speed
03-28-2008, 08:59
No problem, my "in office leave" has expired and I need to get a little something taken care of.
Have fun, and don't leave the water running.
taildragger
03-28-2008, 09:37
No problem, my "in office leave" has expired and I need to get a little something taken care of.
Have fun, and don't leave the water running.
Are you bringing a pencil?
As for the difference between a scientists and an engineer. A theoretical scientists is an artist and a philosopher, working out the questions of why in his mind. An experimentalists always wants to prove the truth behind theory, and will work away his life as a lab rat to fulfill that desire. An engineer will take the artistic and beautiful answer from art, then beat the crap out of it with a 9slug hammer until is somehow inexplicably solves the problem, possibly on time and within reason of budget.
Are you bringing a pencil?
As for the difference between a scientists and an engineer. A theoretical scientists is an artist and a philosopher, working out the questions of why in his mind. An experimentalists always wants to prove the truth behind theory, and will work away his life as a lab rat to fulfill that desire. An engineer will take the artistic and beautiful answer from art, then beat the crap out of it with a 9slug hammer until is somehow inexplicably solves the problem, possibly on time and within reason of budget.
And a good project manager takes the engineer's work to update the timescale and budget and is always on time and on budget. :)
Jim Adams
03-28-2008, 09:53
We're getting way too serious. The original list seems a little dated. Shirley we can update it. (... I might point out that it is after 8 PM, standard warnings apply....)
You know the amount of storage left on your computer hard drive but not the size of your car engine. (...ok, so that just means you're a geek...)
3.2 liter v6...whats a hard drive?:D
...and hey, watch how you use the word geek!
geek
taildragger
03-28-2008, 11:20
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/resonance.png
The humor continues...
minnesotasmith
03-28-2008, 13:33
http://www.pinetree.net/humor/thermodynamics.html
taildragger
03-28-2008, 13:59
http://www.pinetree.net/humor/thermodynamics.html
I had Schambaugh as a professor, he denies the whole incident but wishes that he had done it
A physicist, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist were driving together, when suddenly the car got a flat tire. They pulled over and surveyed the damage.
The physicist said, "why don't we roll the car downhill to that gas station, and have them fix the tire."
"No need," the engineer said, "we have a spare and tools, I will replace the flat tire."
"Hey guys," the computer scientist says, "don't bother. Let's turn the car off, turn it back on, and that should solve the problem!"
:D:D
Wise Old Owl
03-29-2008, 23:45
What is there to understand about Engineers?
The Trains arrive on time - the immigrants are happy - Who Cares?
And before you find fault with that I am a immigrant and happy.....
Jaybird62
03-29-2008, 23:48
Look now, I have seen lots and lots of engines aint none of em had no stinkin ears on em....do we need to start another thread here....?????
Wise Old Owl
03-29-2008, 23:54
Ok that is funny
Jaybird62
03-29-2008, 23:56
I promise i wont start another there is no such a thread, don't wanna step on no toes or nuthin!!!!:eek::sun
Frolicking Dinosaurs
03-30-2008, 01:53
You know how many degrees of separation there are between you and Einstein. (Or maybe that's just me. I also have 3 degrees of separation between me and Madonna. Just thought you'd like to know...)This just begs for an arts major to do some photoshopping:
http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/lowcarbscoop/DWMMadonnaEinstien.jpg
Thru Hiker Wife
03-30-2008, 02:10
This just begs for an arts major to do some photoshopping:
http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/lowcarbscoop/DWMMadonnaEinstien.jpg
And the Dino never stops amusing me. Photshop on, my friend.
Jaybird62
03-30-2008, 02:21
This just begs for an arts major to do some photoshopping:
http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/lowcarbscoop/DWMMadonnaEinstien.jpg
MYYYYYYYY gooooodnessssss...........that aint no pretty picture there!!!!!!
Two Speed
03-30-2008, 08:10
This just begs for an arts major to do some photoshopping:
http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/lowcarbscoop/DWMMadonnaEinstien.jpg
MYYYYYYYY gooooodnessssss...........that aint no pretty picture there!!!!!!Whew, just had a flash back to Phyllis Diller. That just ain't right first thing on a Sunday morning. :mad:
Dances with Mice
03-30-2008, 08:45
Whew, just had a flash back to Phyllis Diller. That just ain't right first thing on a Sunday morning. You already know better than to open something that FD posts after midnight. How many times are you going to keep making that mistake?
Two Speed
03-30-2008, 10:19
Good question. I'm gonna blame the cognac for my lack of discretion.
taildragger
03-30-2008, 16:21
I think I just threw up a little.
Engineers (for the most part) look nothing like that, there is not nearly enough facial hair there!!!
Engineers (for the most part) look nothing like that, there is not nearly enough facial hair there!!!
When I was in school, there were maybe two or three women (chicks) in my class. Now there are many. I don't know the current ratios, but I know there are lots of feminine, unengineer-like people wandering around with hardhats and calculators, and staring down theodolites in the spring on campuses all over. They're cute, too! Lord, I wish they were around in my day! Much better than the vegetables that used to inhabit the back rows of the lecture theatres. I used to survey them from time to time and shudder to realize that these slobs would one day design the bridges over and under which I would one day travel. Well, now the highway overpasses are falling down, and I wonder which of my classmates or their distant cousins were responsible.
Let Madonna inhabit the tabloids and the weird lingerie. I'll take the bright young women who have discovered the joys of applied science, calculation and invention. A recent edition of CERN Courier had a picture of a pair of techs in the beam tunnel of the LHC pretending to make some sort of measurement with portable pc and a measurement box of some sort. One was a guy with a big adam's apple and specs, typical geek. The other was a model. No, wait. On close inspection, I realized she was legit. She just looked like a model! The world is changing! For the better! And I'm retired!!! Oh, woe!
minnesotasmith
03-30-2008, 18:16
Well, now the highway overpasses are falling down, and I wonder which of my classmates or their distant cousins were responsible.
I'd assign the bulk of the fault to the politicians (and their lobbyists) who force cheaper/undersized materials and defer maintenance of infrastructure to free up money for welfare of various kinds (AFDC, SocSec, SSDI, etc.) with which to buy votes.
When I was in school, there were maybe two or three women (chicks) in my class. Now there are many. I don't know the current ratios, but I know there are lots of feminine, unengineer-like people wandering around with hardhats and calculators, and staring down theodolites in the spring on campuses all over. They're cute, too! Lord, I wish they were around in my day! Much better than the vegetables that used to inhabit the back rows of the lecture theatres. I used to survey them from time to time and shudder to realize that these slobs would one day design the bridges over and under which I would one day travel. Well, now the highway overpasses are falling down, and I wonder which of my classmates or their distant cousins were responsible.
Let Madonna inhabit the tabloids and the weird lingerie. I'll take the bright young women who have discovered the joys of applied science, calculation and invention. A recent edition of CERN Courier had a picture of a pair of techs in the beam tunnel of the LHC pretending to make some sort of measurement with portable pc and a measurement box of some sort. One was a guy with a big adam's apple and specs, typical geek. The other was a model. No, wait. On close inspection, I realized she was legit. She just looked like a model! The world is changing! For the better! And I'm retired!!! Oh, woe!
not here, unfortunately. I'm in mechanical engineering at NC State and I have several classes with 100+ people, 3-5 girls :eek: But I suppose that's better than zero. :-? Chemical and biomedical engineering both have a lot of girls - mechanical, electrical, and computer science are the worst.
minnesotasmith
03-30-2008, 18:30
not here, unfortunately. I'm in mechanical engineering at NC State and I have several classes with 100+ people, 3-5 girls :eek: But I suppose that's better than zero. :-? Chemical and biomedical engineering both have a lot of girls - mechanical, electrical, and computer science are the worst.
That had about a 6:1 male/female ratio:
"SEX KILLS!! Come to XYZ Polytechnic and live forever!"
Two Speed
03-30-2008, 19:55
. . . Good thinking, but there IS an alternative; scientists are on average less geeky than engineers, and we usually make almost as much money. :D
That had about a 6:1 male/female ratio:
"SEX KILLS!! Come to XYZ Polytechnic and live forever!"Seeing as you're the uber scientist what're you doing hanging around the men's bathroom at an engineering school?
minnesotasmith
03-30-2008, 19:58
Seeing as you're the uber scientist what're you doing hanging around the men's bathroom at an engineering school?
1) It's something I read online somewhere, not got to see myself.
2) Chem E majors take the same first two years of chemistry I did. I had more than a few in my classes. Of course we'd use the same bathrooms at times in any event. What, I should have used the faculty or women's rooms?:-?
Two Speed
03-30-2008, 20:02
Uhh, which reason are you running with there?