View Full Version : Worried Women Syndrome
Hikerwannabe
12-04-2008, 23:47
Well here I sit....... not sure what to do or even say........the love of my life...the man of my dreams is leaving for the trail on Dec. 28th. I am really having alot of mixed feelings about this. Is anyone in a simular situation? I Wanna be nothing but supportive, but as hard as I try I am having a hard time doing so..........Help PLEASE I Feel SOOOOOOOO selfish....
Pokey2006
12-05-2008, 02:10
It has to be tough, being in your shoes. But the time goes by quickly. If you two love each other, then time and distance shouldn't change that at all.
If the hike is something that makes him happy, or that's good for him, it will also be good for you, ultimately. If you didn't support him, he might end up resenting you for it someday. But don't feel selfish for having mixed feelings! You're having a perfectly normal reaction, and there's nothing wrong with honestly not wanting him to go.
Take this as an opportunity to explore some of your own interests, or spend some time on your own, doing your own thing. Try to focus on the positive aspects of having your own space. Enjoy your time alone while you have it!
Of course, you didn't mention your age, or if you two have kids together...that does change things a bit, I suppose...
BumpJumper
12-05-2008, 06:44
Separation anxiety is nothing for you to feel guilty for. Like Pok said, it is normal, what is NOT normal is negative reactions to it. Find something constructive to do during the separation. Take up a new hobby of your own if not for the fun of it, just for the fact it will take your mind of things for awhile.
Remember, the way you deal with this NOW, will matter in the long run.
Hammock Hanger
12-05-2008, 10:15
I can only say things from being on the "other side of the story". It was always hard for me and my husband of 27+ years to separate. He knew that this "walk-about" was very important to me and his support was very meaningful to me. His life was altered and he was not getting anything out of it other then seeing me happy. Sometimes when I would call hurting and tired he continued to support the endeavor even though all he wanted was to have me home with him.
As the hiker I felt guilty and selfish sometimes for leaving him at home alone.
When it was all said and done, I was so appreciative that he was willing to give me this time to grow and follow a dream. It made our relationship even stronger. It was nice to know that he could love me from a far and respect the fact that I had a dream that he was not a part of and not take offense.
While that does not answer your question directly, I hope it in stills in you a sense of the great GIFT you will be giving the man of your dreams by being happy and supportive of his adventure.
That said I asked my husband how he would answer this question. He said try not to focus on the fact that you are being left home alone. Try taking up a new hobby or something to fill some of the "void" time. He said to look at it in the prospective that if the hike is that important to him then it is that important to you.
He also said it is not selfish to feel a little "left behind" but just push through it and know it will be over sooner then you think.
I'm also answering from the other side, since I'm the hiker of our couple. I have, however, been left behind during quite a few of my husband's more interesting trips--India, Borneo, Singapore, Korea, China, Spain...--so I understand a lot of the negative feelings that well up in the one who is staying at home.
On a philosophical level, I really think we need to be individuals first and spouses/partners second. The stronger, more capable, more interesting we are, the more we have to offer our partner. This is a great time for you to become a better person--someone your lover will admire even more deeply, and be eternally grateful to. If your man is worth anything at all, he will love you more for being a pillar of strength, than if you turn into a vortex of need. It's completely up to you.
traildust
12-05-2008, 11:26
If you have the time and the resources, there are many places along the trail near NJ that you might be able to meet him for a day or two. Looks like you are from NJ and so you are really not that far from the many miles of the trail. Maybe you could be a trail angel for a few weekends when you hiker gets near. Maybe you can be his transcriber on TrailJournals.com.
At any rate, get involved in something new for your life is a great idea. The trail is a unifier not a divider. Your support is crucial to his success. Many spouces, mothers and fathers, friends, significant others are home tending the homefront making this journey possible.
I salute you all.
traildust
p.s. - what is his trailname? Looks like I will be out there about the same time.
What is his age, health and hiking experiene. Odds are he won't be gone all that long. Dropout rate is pretty high among those who start that early.
Dovetail
12-05-2008, 12:21
:sunYes, I understand your anxiety. But you've received alot of good advice here on this forum alone. I am a hiker who prefers section hiking whose significant other who has had a heart to thru-hike since his Army days (and he's now "retired"). Twice before we attempted a thru-hike, but once due a knee injury and the second time because my dad was dying of cancer....he was frustrated. I love hiking, don't understand the motivation to go the whole distance without stopping....but I've come to the conclusion that I need to focus on things I love doing when I'm NOT hiking....writing, photography, singing, cooking, gardening, visiting friends and family.....and let my "love" go on about fulfilling his dream....so we can get on with our lives.
Feel free to email me anytime if you need to "talk". There are "hazards" along the trail, but fear is not a motivation we should be living by. I've found that praying and trying to be supportive are more productive in the long term.....and meeting Traildust along the trail occassionally.
Hammock Hanger
12-05-2008, 16:03
:sun.....and meeting Traildust along the trail occassionally. My hubby and I did try to hook up every 6 weeks or so. It can change the dynamic of the hike some but it was well worth it to both of us.
Good luck to your man on his adventure and good luck to you keeping the home fires burning bright.
i am the other side of the coin also. it IS hard to be apart, for sure. I missed Brad and the dogs quite a bit. I also missed Alaska. But, we stayed in touch and the time actually goes pretty fast. It took us awhile to come together again. He does'nt understand the hikes or why I love them so much BUT he does get the Dream. He has a few of his own they just don't entail leaving for months..Like marta said.. it is important to be separate people who are also a couple.
I wished he hiked though. I surely do !
Blissful
12-05-2008, 20:31
My hubby had a tough time when I left. He did join me for some days hiking, so it might be good if that works out for you. Hopefully he is carriyng a cell phone and can stay in contact. Take care!
BumpJumper
12-07-2008, 19:58
I tell ya.....just be grateful you have someone to MISS! Somewhere, someone has it worse that you do. Not meant to sound mean.:D
Hikerwannabe
12-08-2008, 17:58
It's really nice to hear both sides of the coin, I feel a bit more confident that once I get over the inital Crash...so to speak, His experiance will also be able to make me a stronger and hopefully better Partner. I understand both sides as far as I know this is and has been a life long dream, and it's just not something he wants to do but needs to do for himself. Guess I'll be holding down the fort, sending mail drops and just doing whatever it takes for him to fulfill this. Thanks for all of your support and suggestions.
BumpJumper
12-08-2008, 19:29
Anytime you need to vent, do it here.:D
Hammock Hanger
12-08-2008, 19:38
It's really nice to hear both sides of the coin, I feel a bit more confident that once I get over the inital Crash...so to speak, His experiance will also be able to make me a stronger and hopefully better Partner. I understand both sides as far as I know this is and has been a life long dream, and it's just not something he wants to do but needs to do for himself. Guess I'll be holding down the fort, sending mail drops and just doing whatever it takes for him to fulfill this. Thanks for all of your support and suggestions.
Whenever you get lonely and can't talk to him you can always come here and talk with us. :p
Hikerwannabe
12-30-2008, 16:22
Well The 28th has come and gone, Kayak Karl got on the train for Georgia to start his hike. He is currently in the hiker hostel getting ready to head up Springer for New Years Eve. I have come to the conclusion that this is something he has to do for Him. I am just kinda in stupid mode right now, and not sure what to do with myself. I feel like I am walking in circles. I am confident he is gonna be fine and do fine. But feeling that way why do I feel so Lost? Any suggestions?? Happy New Years to everyone!!
keep yourself busy, call your gal pals, go for a walk, redecorate a room, adopt a puppy (that will keep you busy for sure)
are you sending him mail drops? my mom had fun with those, sending things to make me laugh, after the first one i had to point out to her that it needed to be stuff that i could have a laugh and throw away... so she started sending extra food, odd candy....
basically, entertain yourself and find away to have your own fun with his hike
Hikerwannabe
12-30-2008, 17:20
Great info thanks.....but no Thanks on the idea of getting a puppy...LOL... all animals around here are old. Not the time to start New...:-?
lol made you laugh, first step
Well The 28th has come and gone, Kayak Karl got on the train for Georgia to start his hike. He is currently in the hiker hostel getting ready to head up Springer for New Years Eve. I have come to the conclusion that this is something he has to do for Him. I am just kinda in stupid mode right now, and not sure what to do with myself. I feel like I am walking in circles. I am confident he is gonna be fine and do fine. But feeling that way why do I feel so Lost? Any suggestions?? Happy New Years to everyone!!
you feel lost cause you miss your honey! totally normal. i guess you've really only got one choice, tho. be strong, pick yourself up, and channel that nervous energy into something that benefits you. it really does help to keep busy. maybe try taking on a home project or something that not only helps to keep your mind off of the "missing" but also makes you proud of yourself, makes you happy, and lifts you up. also, time does alot. once you get your own new solo routine going, that should help too.
dixicritter
12-30-2008, 19:23
Well The 28th has come and gone, Kayak Karl got on the train for Georgia to start his hike. He is currently in the hiker hostel getting ready to head up Springer for New Years Eve. I have come to the conclusion that this is something he has to do for Him. I am just kinda in stupid mode right now, and not sure what to do with myself. I feel like I am walking in circles. I am confident he is gonna be fine and do fine. But feeling that way why do I feel so Lost? Any suggestions?? Happy New Years to everyone!!
Hey at least those circles are exercise. ;) Seriously, you've got a great start to the right attitude, you know he has to do this for him... now you have to find your part in this that makes you a part of it too. Remember you are his support person, that makes you important to his hike too. That makes you a part of this not just some WB member or journal reader following along on his journey.
All those other folks aren't going to be the ones mailing him his maps when he needs them, or putting a little something special in the box as a surprise for him (like that special jerky you found or whatever you thought he might enjoy on the the trail)... or maybe it is just a note included in the box to let him know you are thinking about him.
Don't worry, keep living... I know you'll do just fine! :sun
River Runner
12-30-2008, 19:41
Well The 28th has come and gone, Kayak Karl got on the train for Georgia to start his hike. He is currently in the hiker hostel getting ready to head up Springer for New Years Eve. I have come to the conclusion that this is something he has to do for Him. I am just kinda in stupid mode right now, and not sure what to do with myself. I feel like I am walking in circles. I am confident he is gonna be fine and do fine. But feeling that way why do I feel so Lost? Any suggestions?? Happy New Years to everyone!!
This would be a good time to take up a hobby that will keep you busy - tole painting, jewelry making, cake decorating (just don't eat too many of your projects), scrap booking, etc. Something that will keep your mind busy learning and your hands busy doing.
Or you could consider volunteering for a worthwhile cause - soup kitchen, hospital volunteer, animal shelter, read-aloud or other school volunteer position, etc.
Whatever you do, try to avoid sitting at home alone being bored.
Hikerwannabe
12-30-2008, 19:50
Thanks so much for all your suggestions... I guess the factor of time will help...plus what ever craft or animal I decide to bring in our lives....lol I am trying to be nice:D
I'm not trying to be a spoil sport here but chances are he may have to take a significant break or two early on due to weather. Say, in Fontana Dam, for instance. Are you in a situation where you could take a few days off and drive down to Fontana to be with him? Getting some firsthand experience of his hike would give you some perspective on what he is doing and might make you feel closer to his trip. Plus, it could make you a better support person to see firsthand what is going on.
Just a thought to be prepared for a trip, if your schedule permits. It might not be so long until you see him again.
Good luck.
Hikerwannabe
12-30-2008, 20:13
For HIM...I can probely leave here within a 30 min. notice...LOL He means that much to me...kinda scary...dont quit know why.. don't ask or question myself..I just know thats how I feel... I go back to work tommarrow and have a 7 day stretch to go through so I think that is gonna be a big big help...but trust me if he ask me to meet him I would find and have coverage.......:)
Hi, lady! I'm here at the Hiker Hostel with Kayak Karl, Rocky, and Swamp Fox. We're looking forward to getting to Springer today.
I second, third, and fourth what other folks have been saying... This is a good time for you to do stuff for you. It's easy to let one's own needs be submerged by the needs of our spouse and children. You have a chance here to remember what it is you've always wanted to do, and start making it happen.
Best wishes!
Speer Carrier
12-31-2008, 09:52
Put the whole thing into perspective. Except for 30 days leave in mid 1942, my mother did not see my father from December 1941 until September 1945 while he was fighting in the pacific.
2011_thruhiker
12-31-2008, 14:55
Have him send you his trail journals and you can upload them online, my hubby says this is a way for him to live the hike-thru me-but he gets the benefit of no sore muscles! (He is in a wheelchair and not able to hike with me)
Also-advice from my hubby-when I am gone on the trail, this is HIS time to do something for HIM-or take on a major project. And he doesn't feel selfish about doing it as we are not taking time away from either of us. I also feel closer to him when I am out on the trail-I don't know why-maybe it's because everytime I call home, it's a good conversation full of "I miss you's" and all that lovey dovey stuff.
We are both lost without each other at first. It's hard, but as time goes on you will begin to feel more relaxed hopefully...
berninbush
12-31-2008, 15:55
Does he have something that will play MP3's? If so, you could record yourself reading a book for him to listen to. (Google "Audacity" software which is a free download, and you can get a mic headset at walmart for $20.) He'd just have to find a place to download it from.
If you enjoy doing that, you can record books for www.librivox.org (http://www.librivox.org) too.