Sonno
02-07-2011, 22:21
Some Camping Tips
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
When smoking a fish, never inhale.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheard of. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
Effective January 1, 2013, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read “Beat on a rock in stream.”
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of politicians for toilet paper.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.
Life Lessons
Any stone in a hiking boot migrates to the point of maximum pressure.
The distance to a given camp site remains constant as twilight approaches.
The number of mosquitoes at any given location is inversely proportional to the amount of repellent that remains.
The probability of diarrhea increases with the square of the thistle content of the local vegetation.
The area of level ground in the neighborhood tends to vanish as the need to make camp becomes finite.
In a mummy bag the urgency of ones need to urinate is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing worn. It is also inversely proportional to the temperature and the degree to which the mummy bag is completely zipped up.
Waterproof clothing isn’t. (However, it is 100% effective at containing sweat).
The width of backpack straps decreases with the distance hiked. To compensate, the weight of the backpack increases.
Average temperature increases with the amount of clothing brought.
Tent stakes come only in the quantity “N-1″ where N is the number of stakes necessary to stake down a tent.
Propane/butane tanks that are full when they are packed, will unexplainably empty themselves before you can reach the campsite.
Given a chance, matches will find a way to get wet.
Your side of the tent is the side that leaks.
All foods assume a uniform taste, texture, and color when freeze-dried.
Divide the number of servings by two when reading the directions for reconstituting anything freeze-dried.
When reading the instructions of a pump-activated water filter, “hour” should be substituted for “minute” when reading the average quarts filtered per minute.
The weight in a backpack can never remain uniformly distributed.
All tree branches in a forest grow outward from their respective trunks at exactly the height of your nose. If you are male, tree branches will also grow at groin height.
You will lose the little toothpick in your Swiss Army knife as soon as you open the box.
Rain.
Enough dirt will get tracked into the tent on the first day out, that you can grow the food you need for the rest of the trip in rows between sleeping bags.
When camping in late fall or winter, your underwear will stay at approximately 35.702 degrees Kelvin no matter how long you keep it in your sleeping bag with you.
Bears.
The sun sets three-and-a-half times faster than normal when you’re trying to set up camp.
Tents never come apart as easily when you’re leaving a site as when you’re trying to get them set up in the first place.
When planning to take time off of work/school for your camping trip, always add an extra week, because when you get home from your “vacation” you’ll be too tired to go back for a week after.
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
When smoking a fish, never inhale.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheard of. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
Effective January 1, 2013, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read “Beat on a rock in stream.”
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of politicians for toilet paper.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.
Life Lessons
Any stone in a hiking boot migrates to the point of maximum pressure.
The distance to a given camp site remains constant as twilight approaches.
The number of mosquitoes at any given location is inversely proportional to the amount of repellent that remains.
The probability of diarrhea increases with the square of the thistle content of the local vegetation.
The area of level ground in the neighborhood tends to vanish as the need to make camp becomes finite.
In a mummy bag the urgency of ones need to urinate is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing worn. It is also inversely proportional to the temperature and the degree to which the mummy bag is completely zipped up.
Waterproof clothing isn’t. (However, it is 100% effective at containing sweat).
The width of backpack straps decreases with the distance hiked. To compensate, the weight of the backpack increases.
Average temperature increases with the amount of clothing brought.
Tent stakes come only in the quantity “N-1″ where N is the number of stakes necessary to stake down a tent.
Propane/butane tanks that are full when they are packed, will unexplainably empty themselves before you can reach the campsite.
Given a chance, matches will find a way to get wet.
Your side of the tent is the side that leaks.
All foods assume a uniform taste, texture, and color when freeze-dried.
Divide the number of servings by two when reading the directions for reconstituting anything freeze-dried.
When reading the instructions of a pump-activated water filter, “hour” should be substituted for “minute” when reading the average quarts filtered per minute.
The weight in a backpack can never remain uniformly distributed.
All tree branches in a forest grow outward from their respective trunks at exactly the height of your nose. If you are male, tree branches will also grow at groin height.
You will lose the little toothpick in your Swiss Army knife as soon as you open the box.
Rain.
Enough dirt will get tracked into the tent on the first day out, that you can grow the food you need for the rest of the trip in rows between sleeping bags.
When camping in late fall or winter, your underwear will stay at approximately 35.702 degrees Kelvin no matter how long you keep it in your sleeping bag with you.
Bears.
The sun sets three-and-a-half times faster than normal when you’re trying to set up camp.
Tents never come apart as easily when you’re leaving a site as when you’re trying to get them set up in the first place.
When planning to take time off of work/school for your camping trip, always add an extra week, because when you get home from your “vacation” you’ll be too tired to go back for a week after.