Tell us your hiking jokes

[Different Socks]

his name was john watson..

three hikers have been hiking a few 20 mile days in a row when they come, exhausted, to an old farmhouse along the trail. they decide to see if anyones there since the next shelter is still several miles away. a farmer answers the door and says "sure yall can stay the night. I only got one room available but the bed in theres mighty big and comfy"
the three hikers check out the room and see a huge, thick mattress in the middle. after testing it out, they all agree its comfy and big enough to accomodate all three of them.
the next morning the three hikers wake up rested and refreshed. the hiker on one side of the bed stretches and says "what a great night. i had this incredible dream that a beautiful woman was giving me a handjob."
the hiker on the other side of the bed says " no way! i too had an amazing dream that a beautiful woman was giving me a handjob! Hey cup o soup, did u have the same dream too?"
the hiker that slept in the middle says "no. i dreamt i was snow skiing"

LMAO! Now that is funny!

[OutdoorsMan]

Two women hikers were sitting quietly together on a summit, minding their own business

[Old Hiker]

Two women hikers were sitting quietly together on a summit, minding their own business

Jokes, not science fiction, please.

[Spokes]

That was pretty damned funny, tho the idea of tarping with Wolf is sorta scary.

..... on a moonlit night somewhere in Grayson Highlands

Baltimore Jack: Why are you shining that flashlight up into the sky?
Lone Wolf: Just wondering...
Baltimore Jack: About what?
Lone Wolf: I bet you couldn't climb to the top of that beam of light.
Baltimore Jack: Why of course not! I'd get half way up and you'd turn it off!

[Gray Blazer]

You need to know two things before this one:
1. The Germans love to "volksmarch", which is long walks along specified trails on the weekends. They get prizes for mileage and how many they do.
2. The German word for large is "gross".

Two American ladies are visiting Germany and decide to do a local volksmarch. As they're walking through the woods, they come upon a local guy who's taking a leak against a tree.

American lady: "That's gross!"

German guy: "Danke!"

I don't speak German (they have a different word for everything except volkswagon). I guess, as the great bathroom poet once wrote, "the joke was between his legs". Guten Tag, sir!

[Odd Man Out]

You know you are having a bad day hiking if the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of a train.

[springerfever]

Not really a hiking joke, but doesn't this bar look like the Doyle? had to use something for a lead-in...)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Opuu...eature=related

[Different Socks]

A NOBO Scottish thruhiker decides to take a nap on the AT one afternoon. So he drops his pack, lays back against a tree next to the trail and falls into a deep, deep sleep. A short while later two SOBO female thruhikers come along. They stop and after noticing the hiking kilt the man is wearing the following conversation ensues:

"I wonder if it's true."

"You wonder if what's true?"

"That they really don't wear anything under their kilts."

"Well why don't you look."

"Okay"

So the first woman bends over, gently lifts the kilt and reveals that the man really is wearing nothing under his kilt. She puts the kilt back down and they both stand there giggling softly. Then, snickering, the first woman says,

"I have a great idea."

"What's that?"

"Why don't I take this blue ribbon out of my hair and tie it around his, uh, thing?"

"Go for it, girl!"

So she takes the blue ribbon out of her hair, lifts the kilt and ties a lovely bow. Then she puts the kilt back in place and they go off down the trail laughing their asses off.

A while later the Scottish thruhiker awakens and immediately realizes that everything is not as it should be. He lifts his kilt, spies the blue ribbon and says,

"Aye, laddie, I don't know where ya been, but I'm a glad ya took first prize."

This is a joke taken from a song called "The Scotsman".

First lines:

Well a scotsman clad in kilt
Left a bar one evening fair,
And one could tell how he walked
that he'd drunk more than his share.
He stumbled round til he could no longer keep his feet,
fell onto the grass to sleep beside the street.

Now two young girls just happened by
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
"See young sleeping Scotsman, so young and handsome built, I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt".

[JAK]

Not a hiking joke, but when could I ever follow a thread...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9oKdUFCoVo

[Terry7]

I thought I would bump this thread. Some good stuff here.

[mrcoffeect]

Thanks, I thought that one up this morning as I was getting ready for a patrol. I owe inspiration to the movie "Boondock Saints"

that was a good movie, and you cleaned that joke up quite nicely

[Tenny]

Getting Lost:
While hiking, redhead, a brunette, and a blond get lost in the wilderness. After a while, they get very hungry, so they send the redhead off to hunt for dinner. Later the redhead returns carrying a huge deer. When the other two ask her how she found it, she simply replies that she "followed the tracks." The second night, the brunette goes off to hunt for dinner. Later the brunette returns carrying a huge moose. Her companions ask her how she found it and she tells them that she also "followed the tracks." The third night the blond goes hunting. Much later she returns looking very upset and empty-handed. The others ask her what happened. She says, "I followed the tracks, but all I found was a train."

River Crossing:
A redhead, a brunette and a blond are hiking when they come to an extremely wide and deep river. There is no bridge, so they decide they must swim across. The redhead tries to swim across first. She makes it 1/4 of the way across, but gets too tired and turns around. She swims back to shore. The brunette tries to swim across next. She makes it 1/3 of the way across, but gets too tired and turns around and swims back to shore, also. The blond tries to swim across next. She makes it 1/2 way across, but gets too tired, and turns around and swims back to shore.

[Kitecop]

Q: How do you tell the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear?
A: When you see the bear, climb a tree. If it climbs up the tree and kills you, it's a black bear. If it knocks the tree down and kills you, it's a grizzly bear.
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The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

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This one's been posted before but Oh Well:

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge
towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on
the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right
on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his
right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..." Time stopped.
The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the
forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both
paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord Amen."

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And a non-bear joke to finish:

An American was backpacking across the highlands, when he came across a small village where he decided to spend the night.

Upon entering the local pub that evening for some drinks with the locals, he found himself in a conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant individual.

"Ya see that fence out there?" The old man asked the backpacker. "I built that fence with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the fence builder? No!"

"And that church out there. I hoisted the bell up to the top with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the church builder? No!"

And that bridge. I put it together stone by stone. But ya think they call me MacGregor the bridge builder? No!"

"But ya screw one goat..."

I suppose if "God" actually stopped time during crisis and spoke to people directly, more people would believe in him...

[JJJ]

What do you call someone who hops from Georgia to Maine?
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. a k a n g a t h r u.

[Chif]

I thought that the punch line was "That dog would bite you!"

Alright, I warned you. Kids, cover your eyes. Spanish kids, cover your eye, eye, eyes.

These two hikers were resting at the shelter after a long day of hiking. They were watching the one hiker's dog lick it's private parts. The one hiker said, "Gee, I wish I could do that." The dog's owner said, "If you ask him, maybe he'll let you."

There, now I've ruined my reputation forever. (As if I ever had one.)

[rocketsocks]

I thought that the punch line was "That dog would bite you!"

Oh yeah,oh yeah,oh yeah,yer done!

[Gray Blazer]

River Crossing:
A redhead, a brunette and a blond are hiking when they come to an extremely wide and deep river. There is no bridge, so they decide they must swim across. The redhead tries to swim across first. She makes it 1/4 of the way across, but gets too tired and turns around. She swims back to shore. The brunette tries to swim across next. She makes it 1/3 of the way across, but gets too tired and turns around and swims back to shore, also. The blond tries to swim across next. She makes it 1/2 way across, but gets too tired, and turns around and swims back to shore.

What's the punchline?

[rocketsocks]

What's the punchline?

To get to the other side.

[Capt Nat]

How bout the blond hiker on the bank of the river, sees another blond hiker on the other bank. She yells across, "How do I get to the other side?"

The other looks up and down the river and yells back, "You ARE on the other side!"