Does anyone else have this problem?

[Sarge]

I've got a problem that I wonder how many others share. My wife doesn't share the same passion as I do for hiking or the trail. I'll give a long explanation of what I mean. I had always heard of the AT, but my first encounter of it was back in 1999. I had just returned to the states from an overseas military assignment and I was living in central Georgia. One weekend I decided to drive up into the mountains just to look around because I have always been a huge outdoors person ever since I was a kid. I didn't realize where the trail was until I saw several places where the trail crossed the road. Over the next year I made a couple of weekend hiking trips and needless to say I was hooked. In 2000 I told my wife I was seriously thinking about planning to thruhike the trail when I retired from the Air Force. Her first reaction to that was "Hey, if that's something you want to do". I actually started to cry because I was so happy that it APPEARED she supported me. Over the next year and a half as I continued to plan and prepare she realized I was actually going to go through with it and her attitude started to change. I think she figured I would grow out of the idea. We all know that's not something you just grow out of. When she finally came to grips with reality that I was actually going to do it she started saying things to me like "I can't promise you that I'll be here when you get back". I ended up having to compromise with her and do an abbreviated hike just to keep the peace. When I left Springer on March 9th, 2002 it was with the knowledge that I was only going to go as far as Hwy 501 in Pennsylvania because that was the closest road crossing to my dad's house where he could come and pick me up. At the time I was just happy to have had the opportunity to at least do what I was doing. However, every time I called home she would always ask me if I was ready to come home yet. By the time I reached Damascus she was practically telling me to get home. After the Shenandoahs I just stopped calling home because I was tired of hearing the complaining. I had already compromised once. I reached Pennsylvania on the exact day that I had planned because I was so prepared for that hike. I was trail hardened and could have kept right on going, but I had to stop. After I got home she was mad at me for about 2 weeks. In 2004 I geared up my wife (at her request) and took her up for a week on the trail just to show her what it was like. She enjoys the outdoors and likes to camp, but I think she thought I was out for a 3 month vacation. Well, she lasted about 4 days and realized real fast that it was hard work. I give her all the credit for giving it a try, but I think it really opened her eyes to how hard it really is.

Fast forward to the present. I had always vowed I would complete the trail some day. A situation has arisen which may present a window of opportunity. I currently have a well paying job with a military contractor. However, our operation will be closing down due to military base closures and realignments. I'm expecting to be laid off from my job around May of next year. Do you see the window opening? I am trying to put myself in a secure financial situation where I may be able to take 3 months off from starting another job and complete the northern half of the trail next summer. However, I'm not sure what my wife will have to say about it. I remember all too vividly the crap I had to put up with the last time so I don't know how to approach this. Does anyone else have this problem with an unsupportive spouse? How did you handle it?

Thanks,
Sarge

[SGT Rock]

Wow, hard question. But I understand where you are coming from. My wife has never done an overnight backpacking trip EVER.

I started by letting her know it was a dream of mine but I thought it was one I would never get to do. I often talked about it and hiked a lot of weeks and weekends letting her know how much I enjoyed it each time. I tried to get her involved in my hiking life as much as possible. Finally we were talking about it one day and she told me I better do it so I would shut up about it. Now she backs the idea 100% (at least she says so. I retire from the Army in 2008 and will hit the trail 2 days later.

Now the time-line is the key. I started planning in 1997. She told me I better do it in 2002. So it will take you about 5 years of consistent planning and work to get her to agree if you work like I do on it. And then you need to give her a plan that will give her 6 more years after she agrees to figure out how to deal with your hike.

Based on your situation I don't know if you have that kind of time.

[Amigi'sLastStand]

I feel for you. I just went through something similar over a medical condition. My wife I was away fo my wife for a year getting treatment, and after about 10 of me noticing things were changing over via the telephone, she finally told me she didnt want me home. I wanted to kill her, for leaving me in a such a time. Well, in the end, she was just so scared that I was going to die, it was her way of dealing with it. We have worked through it and all is now ok.
I would say you need to find out what her issues are with you hiking and deal with each one at a time. Do not get angry or upset with her, one at a time. Try taking her camping or hiking and while there, tell what appeals to you about the outdoors. There are a couple similar threads on Whiteblaze already, an almost exact one if I remember right. I wish I could find it for you. There was some good advice on it.

[Almost There]

Definitely a tough situation. It a dream of mine to thru hike one day, and so one day I will do it. She is honestly, ok with the idea of me doing a thru. Will she miss me? Heck Yeah! Will I miss her? Definitely! However, the time is not now. The thing you gotta be careful about is the fine line between chasing a dream...and being selfish. You need to know your wife. Alot of times, we, as guys look for the answer we want and don't see the truth behind the answer. Many wife's will say...Go for it! Not really thinking how serious we are, or hoping that we'll realize the heartbreak they'll go through while were off for a few months. They are our ultimate supporter in a good marriage always pushing us to chase our dreams because they love us. I know there are many times I have wanted to do something but have held back after pausing to consider the effect my actions would have on her. We sometimes need to "really" listen to what they are saying. If the answer is out of line with who we really know our wives are...then we need to question, "Is it the right time to do this?"

Each couple is different. Neither my wife, nor I is ready for me to thru hike at this moment in time. Perhaps by retirement life changes will make it something positive in all ways, and I think for me that will be the time I can do it.

Others have done it with their spouse and have said to me that it was the only way they could have done it.

While still others have left wife and children and had their full support and blessing!

Then there are those that decide the trail is still more important than their marriage...that is their choice. The benefits or consequences are their own for the reaping.

Know which one you fit into, personally, I know when my wife and I are on the same page. If we're not then I have to weigh the consequences of my actions, however, I do know this...nothing the trail could ever give me could ever replace the love of my life. The trail will always be there.

Either way, my best to you and your decision...it's a tough one!

[Nate]

Walk a mile, drop your phone and high tale it out of there. Then call her when your about out of New York. Every little bit, stop, look, and most importantly listen, that the sound of life before marrage- silence!
Nate

[TIDE-HSV]

I count myself lucky in that my wife shares my fascination with the outdoors. We had our first "date" hiking up Kephart Prong to Icewater Spgs. shelter and on to LeConte and we spent our honeymoon, twenty years ago this month, in the Wind River Range in Wyoming. She would support me in a thru-hike, if my practice would let me go long enough to do it (and the old bod would hold up)...

[Sarge]

Thanks for everyones support. Like I said, my wife likes the outdoors. She likes to camp and fish, but the hiking thing was tough for her. At least she realized just how much work it really is. It's not that I wish she shared the passion for it like I do it's just that I wish she understood my passion more. By taking her out on the trail I thought she would. If I don't get to complete my hike next year, no big deal. God will give me the opportunity when He's ready to give it to me.

[Lilred]

Perhaps a compromise. Is there some place she has always dreamed of going? Maybe you can make plans to go there once you get back from your hike.

[hopefulhiker]

Last year I went through the same kind of thing with my wife. She protested and then supported it 110%. But now.... I am paying the dues.. Now she says "I supported you all last year... " All I can say is "yes dear, Anything else you want done?" I am not complaining, It was all worth it. But make no mistake I am in indentured servitude until my next hike.....

[mrc237]

I have been away from home many times since I've retired, mostly on the AT but lots of other trails. My bride will retire next year and I will try to involve her into my trips. If your wife likes the ods but not hiking have her follow you along with your vehicle this way you can camp, motel etc as you go along Just get her involved tell her that you couldn't do it without her. Good Luck sounds like you're gonna need it.

[Brushy Sage]

Sarge, it's good to see your name. You and I started a few days apart in 2002; you went farther than I did. In my opinion, your wife is hesitant because she is afraid of what a long separation will do -- to you, to her, and to the marriage. And that's understandable, because both partners do change over time. Now that she has experienced your absence and then return after hiking half the AT, she has more of a basis for understanding what it is like. Perhaps you can discuss with her what it was like for her, and give her some assurance. She might not shout for joy if you go again (if she does, you are in trouble), but she might be more accepting of the notion.

[mweinstone]

ya cant go without her permission. it would kill your freedom to hike unfettered.mexican saying:"a house dosnt stand on the ground, it stands on a woman."

[Almost There]

ya cant go without her permission. it would kill your freedom to hike unfettered.mexican saying:"a house dosnt stand on the ground, it stands on a woman."

Ain't dat da Truth!!!

[sliderule]

Every little bit, stop, look, and most importantly listen, that the sound of life before marrage- silence!
Nate

That's also what a marriage sometimes sounds like, right before it ends.

[Smile]

Over the next year and a half as I continued to plan and prepare she realized I was actually going to go through with it and her attitude started to change. I think she figured I would grow out of the idea.

Women do have these control issues sometimes, but true love and devotion is giving the ones you love the freedom to follow their dreams. What is 3 or 4 months compared with a lifetime?

It is sad to hear that women are "holding this over" their men's heads when they get back, like now they owe you something - makes all of us look bad!

I am sure this will work out for you, and hope you are out on the trail sometime soon ;-)

[Sarge]

Thanks again for all your feedback. I know that my wife really does understand what being out on the trail means to me. We are a Christian family and she understands how spiritual it is for me to be out in God's world like that. It makes me feel closer to Him. When I took her out on the trail we stayed at Tray Mtn shelter one night and I took her up to the summit to watch the sunset. If that doesn't make you understand then nothing will. Others mentioned things about giving her something she wants. I feel I do that every day. Believe me she gets a lot of what she wants! I know a lot of you can relate to that! We now live in southern Georgia instead of central Georgia because that's what she wanted. Within a month of my return from the trail we were packed and moved so she could be down here closer to her family. I felt that was the least I could do for her for allowing me at least some time on the trail and for following me around the world in the military for the last 7 years (at that time) that we had been married. Here's another interesting point for those in the military or used to be in the military (Sgt Rock, I know you can relate to this). During the last 7 years I was in the Air Force I was fortunate enough to be in a job where I did not routinely have to deploy. The 3 months I was on the trail was the longest time we had ever been apart! I think that may have been a factor. The bottom line is that she does understand what being on the trail means to me, I have sacrificed a lot for the opportunity to do it, and I try to allow her the things she wants in return. I guess I'm just reluctant to bring up the subject again. Perhaps I can drop some subtle hints to her about the timing of my lay off and see if SHE suggests the idea. Hmm, sounds like a plan.

[Smile]

Get TREK and watch it together some night ;-)

[ASUGrad]

Christian men tend to get confused about the role of the husband in the family. Scripture tells men to "give up their lives" for their marriage. We understand that to the point of being uncomfortable with it. Essentially it means that we do not act like bachelors with wives.

It's not an "I get, you get" type of situation. It's a "We" situation. What is the "We" part of you spending 6 months on the Trail? If you can communicate that to her, your task is much easier.

[Nightwalker]

I am one blessed individual. My wife loves me so much that it hurts, and yet she lets me hike anywhere, anytime, for however long I need to.

I have no idea what I did to get that from her, but I'm glad that I did!

[Gray Blazer]

Sarge, I like the idea of making her think it's her idea.