Girlfriend doesn't understand...

[sacosta]

I have dreamed about thru-hiking the AT since I was a teenager, but life just never presented an oppurtunity to make it come true. But I now see an chance to make it happen in 2010. Everything inside me seems to be pulling me towards this hike. All of my close friends support me, and even want to hike portions of the trail with me, but my girlfriend wants no part of it. She thinks that there is no way I could love her if I want to leave her for 6 months. I've tried to explain to her that it's been a life-long dream, and that I want to prove to myself that I can do something that is extremely difficult. But she doesn't seem to get it. She always brings it back to the fact that I want to leave her for 6 months. I love her dearly and don't want to lose her, but if I give up on this dream I feel like I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Does anyone have any advice to how they convinced a relunctant spouse or girlfriend that it's okay?

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

[dessertrat]

I have dreamed about thru-hiking the AT since I was a teenager, but life just never presented an oppurtunity to make it come true. But I now see an chance to make it happen in 2010. Everything inside me seems to be pulling me towards this hike. All of my close friends support me, and even want to hike portions of the trail with me, but my girlfriend wants no part of it. She thinks that there is no way I could love her if I want to leave her for 6 months. I've tried to explain to her that it's been a life-long dream, and that I want to prove to myself that I can do something that is extremely difficult. But she doesn't seem to get it. She always brings it back to the fact that I want to leave her for 6 months. I love her dearly and don't want to lose her, but if I give up on this dream I feel like I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Does anyone have any advice to how they convinced a relunctant spouse or girlfriend that it's okay?

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

Offer to let her go with you?

I take it she's not much of a hiker, or she would understand.

Honestly, some people today have no patience. Six months? In the grand scheme of things, that's nothing, and she should want you to be happy and do this trip. How old is she? Can't she meet you in a couple of towns along the way, at least? Spend a weekend?

[T-Dubs]

Give it some time. Around here it was a good transition when my reluctant spouse starting saying, 'when you hike the Trail' instead of 'if you hike....'

It takes some getting used to. Put the shoe on the other foot and think how you would first react to her being gone for that length of time.

TWS

[RockyBob]

Time to find a new girlfriend

[Lone Wolf]

you got 2 years to start workin' on her

[Jack Tarlin]

If you've explained that it's a life-long dream, and that this is a rare opportunity for you to make this dream a reality, then what you're left with is someone who's more concerned with her own mental security (or insecurity) issues than with supporting you and your dreams.

I think you should hike.

If your relationship survives, well that's great. Sometimes, absence makes relationships grow stronger.

And if your relationship doesn't survive the trip, well you'll deal with that, too.

At 41, you still have time to find someone who shares your interests, supports your dreams and goals, and doesn't guilt-trip you into abandoning them.

You said that if you don't hike, you may well end up regretting it, and being angry about it, and resentful about it, for the rest of your life.

Is that really how you wanna spend the next 35 years?

[thestin]

2010 is still over 2 years away. A lot can change in your life by then. You and your girlfriend could get married, or you could break up.

[shades of blue]

You could have her intimately involved in the planning, support of this hike. She could come visit with you in different sections of the trail. She would have to work at it, and so would you, but it would be worth it. My wife was my girlfriend at the time of my long distance hikes 3 months for the last major one. I know many people have spouses that have helped and been involved. If the girlfriend is worth it, she should work with you. If not, you might be dodging a bullet by her not being supportive.

[Jack Tarlin]

In retrospect, my first post was hastily written and more than a little cold.

Shades had it right. If you involve your friend in every facet of your trip, and let her know she's an integral part of it, she may come around. Have her help with your planning, scheduling, itinerary, gear. Put her in charge of your maildrops and re-supply. Ask if she wants to transcribe your journal. Plan on finding places where she can join you and take a more active part in the trip. Try and encourage her to actually join you by hiking some of the Trail. The more involved she is with your hike, the more supportive she'll be.

Then again, she may stomp her foot and express no interest in helping you whatsover.

In that case, along with a pack, boots, and other stuff needed for the next phase of your life, I'd shop for a new girlfriend.

[wrongway_08]

Just keep talking to her about it, include her in on the plans.
Make it clear to her that this Thru-hike will happen! Dont let her think that you might not go - that you are just day dreaming.
If she knows its important to you, she will understand and be there for you. If not, let her go - you dont want someone that wont stand behind you on your dreams.

[4eyedbuzzard]

I have dreamed about thru-hiking the AT since I was a teenager, but life just never presented an oppurtunity to make it come true. But I now see an chance to make it happen in 2010. Everything inside me seems to be pulling me towards this hike. All of my close friends support me, and even want to hike portions of the trail with me, but my girlfriend wants no part of it. She thinks that there is no way I could love her if I want to leave her for 6 months. I've tried to explain to her that it's been a life-long dream, and that I want to prove to myself that I can do something that is extremely difficult. But she doesn't seem to get it. She always brings it back to the fact that I want to leave her for 6 months. I love her dearly and don't want to lose her, but if I give up on this dream I feel like I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Does anyone have any advice to how they convinced a relunctant spouse or girlfriend that it's okay?

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

Have her read this post for starters. It's your ONE AND ONLY lifetime. You have to do what you want. If she leaves you because of it, so be it. Harsh, but if you don't go now that you have the opportunity, you'll be miserable and resent her for a very long time. She has to understand that. That virtual guarantees a lousy resentful relationship, which is worse than no relationship. Have her meet you in trail towns like others have suggested. Besides, most people get bored and tired of thru-huking and don't finish anyway.

The Mrs. Buzzard understands that me taking time away for hiking and golf is just part of the package. She'd rather I be away than be moping around miserable because I'm not doing what I want. People need to do what they need to do. If they can do it together with their spouse/SO, that's just a big bonus.

[The Old Fhart]

I agree that trying to get your girlfriend involved in the planning of the trip to make it her trip as well is a good way to approach this issue. It will also give you the time to see if she will understand that your dream of hiking the trail doesn't mean you love her less.

There is also one other possibility others have mentioned as well and in "The Appalachian Tale" by Don Hirsohm he described a similar situation:

I began my Appalachian Trail hike on April 16, 1982 and made it from Springer Mt., Georgia to Catawba, Virginia before a phone call home revealed that my girlfriend back in California had tolerated just about enough of my foolish lark in the woods.

It was 1984 before I managed to get away again and pick up the trail where I’d left off in Catawba. I hiked 150 miles to Rockfish Gap where the Shenandoah Park begins before hitching down to Waynesboro, Virginia for supplies. I phoned home from the fire-house there to report progress: my trusty girlfriend informed me right there and then that, if I didn’t get back to California pronto, I would find my belongings collecting dust…out in the street. I was beginning to notice a pattern here.

A year later I was back in Waynesboro again, ready to hitch up to Rockfish Gap and re-commence my Appalachian Trail hike with 1300 miles left to go – my prospects now bolstered by the fact that I was 3 years older and wiser, and by the certainty that my girlfriend was scheduled to marry some other guy in September.

Good luck, however it goes. You may have to make a tough decision between the two choices if common ground can't be found.

[sacosta]

I've really just recently started planning the trip in earnest, and I have made it pretty clear that the trip "will" happen. I think the reality that I'm actully starting to plan the trip is bothering her. See also seems to get upset at the fact that all of my friends are supporting me.

I've invited her to come with me and she has declined saying that she doesn't have time to waste 6 months of her life. I've mentioned her helping me, and she says she's not going to help me leave her alone for 6 months.

I've told her that if she has any life-long dreams that I'll help her accomplish them. All to no avail.

I took a trip to Springer Mountain a couple of weeks ago. I was so excited to have been there, but she gave me nothing but grief afterwards.

I know 2 years is a long time. Who knows where my relationship will be with her by then? I've tried to put myself in her shoes and I can somewhat understand her fears, but at the same time I just can't grasp how she can't find it in herself to support my dreams.

[Jack Tarlin]

I think you're answering your own question.

And something to think about: The next time you have an important goal or "life dream", whether it's moving to another part of the country, or going back to school, or radically changing your career......will she support you then?

Seems to me she's essentially more interested in giving you ultimatums than trying to find some middle ground or a compromise.

In re. to her ultimatum:

Accept it, with regrets.

And have a great hike!

[BigStu]

Well for my two penn'orth (or two cents, if you prefer) there should be a little give-and-take in everything and the chance to do this hike with an easy heart and clear head is what you should be given.

If this is a thought out and well considered decision of yours (which I am sure that it is) then maybe this is time to say 'Sorry Honey, this one's for me'

[4eyedbuzzard]

In the future, what other things will she not support you in doing? What if you have a great job offer on the east coast? What if it's in a foreign country? What if you want to take a big pay cut and change careers at some point? What if, what if, what if...?

What's her answer gonna be?

[bigcranky]

You said that if you don't hike, you may well end up regretting it, and being angry about it, and resentful about it, for the rest of your life.

Is that really how you wanna spend the next 35 years?

On this note, would your GF want to spend the rest of her life with someone who is angry and resentful at her?

The good news is that you do indeed have two years to work on this. My personal take is that you should indeed involve her in the planning as much as she is willing. Just be clear that this is something you are going to do -- and not give false hope that you'll abandon this dream at the last minute if she still doesn't like the idea.

[wrongway_08]

Give her some time, sounds like this reaction has come about fairly recently.
Also sounds like she think you are picking the trail over her, make it clear to her that is not the case.

Also dont forget about the fact it might scare the shi$ outta her that you will be gone for so long. She might be thinking "what if something happens to me, you, the house, car, how will I take care of these things?"

My wife just started cryn because I am leaving for my trip march 1st - sitting next to me right now, reading as I am typn. Her big worry is what if something happens to me or her and we are not there for each other.
She doesnt want me to go but like you, this has been something I have wanted to since around the age og 8 or so. She is willing to put up with it/support me .

Keep talking to her and let her join in the WB site, might answer some questions/fears she has.

Give

[ScottP]

Well, part of me says, "Kick that bi+<I-I to the curb."

Some says, "Remember where you came to ask this question. For a lot of people, hiking is a top priority. Beware the answers you get."

And the rest says, "Remember where you came to ask this question. What answer are you looking for?"

[doggiebag]

Give her some time, sounds like this reaction has come about fairly recently.
Also sounds like she think you are picking the trail over her, make it clear to her that is not the case.

Also dont forget about the fact it might scare the shi$ outta her that you will be gone for so long. She might be thinking "what if something happens to me, you, the house, car, how will I take care of these things?"

My wife just started cryn because I am leaving for my trip march 1st - sitting next to me right now, reading as I am typn. Her big worry is what if something happens to me or her and we are not there for each other.
She doesnt want me to go but like you, this has been something I have wanted to since around the age og 8 or so. She is willing to put up with it/support me .

Keep talking to her and let her join in the WB site, might answer some questions/fears she has.

Give

To possibly alleviate your wife's concern ... or it may add to it ...
I'll track your progress and I'll time it so that I'll be in the same area if not keeping up with you for the last 400 miles or so from the Whites to Kath. I'm sure Sasquatch would be there for a some of it. You won't be alone. It will be awesome. But one step at a time ... you got a good shot at this from what I know.