This isnt hiking but it is damn funny!

[BumpJumper]

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, no possible way!
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipstick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug'yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

[Rockhound]

That is funny. Due to recent news more people will probably be more people carrying tazers this year. I have a feeling they will be used more for entertainment purposes than protection though. You know. A few drinks around the campfire. Courage increasing, common sense decreasing. It only a matter of time til someone volunteers to get tasered. Get those cameras ready.

[bigmac_in]

Yeah, it's funny. Especially the first time I read it on Warrghy's humor thread over a week ago. Still funny, though.

[Sly]

Probably a fake story...

http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/taser.asp

[nitewalker]

that is some good stuff. i laughed the whole time reading that story...thanks for sharing it with us...still lmao

[warraghiyagey]

Holy cow that is very funny. . .

[littlelaurel59]

Sounds like a good bear deterrent- better than bells or pepper spray!!!

Real or not, it is a funny story.

[Gumbi]

Sounds like a good bear deterrent- better than bells or pepper spray!!!

Real or not, it is a funny story.

Umm... no, that would probably be a bad idea. Instead of a curious bear, you would have an enraged bear.

[superman]

I was laughing my butt off at that...but then I remembered that I resemble that story. In 1965, we were cleaning all our gear for an IG inspection. That included our gas masks. In the side pocket of the gas mask there was an atropine seret. I'd never seen one of them used so I asked the other guys around me. I was fiddling with it as one of the guys explained that in case of getting gassed you were supposed to press it to your leg and a needle shoots out injecting stuff into you. As I was asking him "how much pressure does it take”, I apparently pressed hard enough and the needle shot out and injected the stuff into my thumb. My thumb immediately swelled to two or three times its normal size. I thought that my thumb was going to split apart. That was when my platoon sergeant came into the room. It was his mission in life to catch me doing every "Leave it to Beaver" thing he could. He wasn't even surprised. He told me to come with him so I assumed that he was going to get me to some medical treatment. Instead, he took me to the company orderly room. He called to the CO and the First Sergeant. He held up my thumb and they all started laughing so hard they almost fell on the floor. I'm standing there wondering if I'm about to die and those guys were laughing their asses off. Finally, my platoon sergeant told me that the swelling would go down in time. He sent me back to continue cleaning my gear. The next day when the inspecting officer got to me he smiled and said "did you learn anything" as he continued to the next man.
I had hoped that I would mature passed doing that sort of thing but I haven't yet.