My husband doesn't want me to Thru-hike

[meadowlark]

Hello, this is my first post; I've been lurking for a while. I'm hoping to get some insight here. Here's the deal. I've been wanting to do a thru hike for a few years, but I really started thinking about it this year, since January or so. I want to start next year, March 2011. I'm just graduating from college this August. I figure, if I don't do it soon I never will, because it'll be time for me to get serious about a job or maybe go on to graduate school. My husband is older than me. He's changing jobs and we're moving to Kansas shortly after I graduate. He's really hurt by my wanting to thru hike. He doesn't understand why I want to. I can't really put into words why I want to do it so bad; it's like I burn to do it. He's hurt. He thinks I want to be away from him. He wants me to wait until he can do it too, but I don't think I can wait that long, and I don't know when that would be... when he retires? But then I'll have a job (hopefully). He keeps saying that while I'm gone he's going to go to Australia or something. (What does this mean? Would he go there out of spite?) I'm so sad lately because I realize I'm not going to get to go. I feel, fundamentally, that my life is not going to work out the way I want it to. He's done things before we met: he's been to mexico, he used to sail and go hot air ballooning, he quit his career and tried to be an artist for a while. I was young. I never have done anything on my own. Part of the reason I want to thru hike is to feel like I can do something. That I am capable. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that my marriage is going to end. Maybe not over this directly. I feel stuck. If I go, maybe I'll lose him. Maybe he'll be mad at me for five months. If I don't go, I'll always wonder what might have been. I have a history of depression and I feel it creeping back when I realize that I might not get to do this. Maybe I'm just selfish.

[Ender]

My suggestion would be to tell him what you just told us. I'm sure if you talked it through you could find a compromise that would work for both of you.

[Pootz]

Never let go of your dreams for anyone. And anyone that would want you to is a selfish jerk. The sooner you get people who are jealous and you make you feel guilty out of your life the happier you will be. Do your self a favor and get a new husband, live your dreams.

[trailangelbronco]

Plan the trip and invite him to meet you in some of the trail towns. He is probably worried that you will meet someone else. Maybe because he is older, and afraid that you might meet someone your own age. Six months is a long time, and you might feel the same if the shoes were reversed.

Still, ya gotta follow your dreams. I gave up the trail for a wife twenty years ago. We got divorced and then I could no longer afford to do the trail. Twenty years later, I wish that I had told her goodbye and thru hiked.

Try to let him know how committed you are to him, and that you really hope that he will meet you in trail towns during your trip.

Twenty years from now, all you will remember is whether or not you lived your life and followed your dreams.

[mad4scrapping]

Meadowlark-- I'm afraid that this issue may be a sympton of a larger problem with your relationship. Lack of trust by him, perhaps? My husband doesn't understand my desire to thru hike either, but he's not hurt by the idea.

I can relate to your desire to do the hike in order to prove to yourself that you are capable. That's why I want to do it too. I can also relate to your problems with depression.

If your husband is the right person for you, he'll come around. If he doesn't, well, that tells you something, doesn't it?

Bottom line-- follow your dream!

[TJ aka Teej]

Hello, this is my first post;.

Welcome to WhiteBlaze!

Get him involved as your support person, tell him about maildrops. Take him to the outfitters with you. Drive over to PA and go on a few AT overnights together, visit a hostel. Go together to the next ALDHA Gathering at Concord University in Athens WV this October. www.aldha.org Go to the Pennsylvania Ruck in January 2011. Join the female's hikers list. Meet up with some Ohio 2000 milers in person!
An involved spouse is a happy spouse!

[double d]

He's the one with the "issues" not you. Celebrate your life and graduation from college with a nice, long distance AT hike. As for the husband, well, tell him to grow up and learn how to take care of himself for a few months. It sounds like you don't have kids, but you won't lose him over a long distance hike, it is because of his inability to let you go for a few months.

[Feral Bill]

Leaving on a 6 month trip of any kind is not trivial. Since your spouse is not supporting your plans, you might want to seek counseling together. I hope it all works out for you both.

FB

[berkshirebirder]

Meadowlark, I see two big problems. First, as you already know, this is probably your best opportunity to do a Thru Hike. As you go forward, more and more things will get in the way. It's not just a whim but a goal you've set for yourself and thought about for a long time.

Second, your husband may think he wants the best for you, and maybe it's just that he's worried about your health and safety on such a long hike; but if he can't accommodate this one thing that you want to do, he may be the kind of person who thinks everything should be the way HE wants it.

I second TJ's suggestions: go on a few weekend hikes and attend an ALDHA get-together together and see whether this eases any of your husband's concerns. His comment about going to Australia might mean that's something he'd like to do (although it seems he would have mentioned this before). Maybe he was thinking you both could go to Australia after you finish college?

[Daydream Believer]

What a timely topic. My husband of 24 years and I have had several recent discussions about me thru hiking also. He calls it my "obsession." He has been backpacking with me now twice on the AT and both times, he seemed to enjoy it OK but just keeps saying he only wants to spend time with me, etc... and doesn't care what we do. Lately he's been complaining about how much his knee hurts (stopped us early on our last section hike) and then how much his foot hurts, etc..but never goes to see a doctor. I can't tell if it's a hint or not about my plans to do more backpacking...or just a genuine complaint.

I have tried to talk to him and one day he seems OK with it and the next day he says something like "if you thru hike, I may move into an apartment with the dogs" or something like that. We have a horse farm that I mostly run and I think he sometimes resents the money and time it takes to run it....and he perceives it as my thing and not his thing. He works a regular job and I work on the farm...although I put in as many hours as he does, he makes the most money which is keeping us afloat right now. I figure at this point the best I can manage without upsetting the apple cart might be some section hikes and try to take him along as much as I can...but I refuse to let him dictate how I spend all my leisure time. I wonder though if the comments about his knee and foot are meant to make me feel guilty and do something else besides hike? UGH...I don't know but it IS frustrating.

I was hoping to do this section hike at the end of the month solo and see how he does with it as well as how I like it. We've never been a clingy couple...but he was always the one deployed or off somewhere (career military). I am an independent woman and I don't need anyone to take care of me...and he knows it. He says he admires that in me also....so I'm not really sure why he seems resentful. I'm trying to figure it out and how to accomplish what I want without tearing a huge rift between us.

I would say that at this point in your life, my advice is to have a heart to heart conversation with him...spell it out like you did here...and if he's that resentful of you following your dreams, maybe it's a good time to bail....or just take a stand and see what happens. You are young and not tied down with kids, mortgage, etc... It's going to be very different when you are 24 years into a marriage...believe me....so sort it out now. I wish I had it all to do over and I'd have hiked years ago before I had so many other complications.

Best of luck to you.

[fiddlehead]

Hello, this is my first post; I've been lurking for a while. I'm hoping to get some insight here. Here's the deal. I've been wanting to do a thru hike for a few years, but I really started thinking about it this year, since January or so. I want to start next year, March 2011. I'm just graduating from college this August. I figure, if I don't do it soon I never will, because it'll be time for me to get serious about a job or maybe go on to graduate school. My husband is older than me. He's changing jobs and we're moving to Kansas shortly after I graduate. He's really hurt by my wanting to thru hike. He doesn't understand why I want to. I can't really put into words why I want to do it so bad; it's like I burn to do it. He's hurt. He thinks I want to be away from him. He wants me to wait until he can do it too, but I don't think I can wait that long, and I don't know when that would be... when he retires? But then I'll have a job (hopefully). He keeps saying that while I'm gone he's going to go to Australia or something. (What does this mean? Would he go there out of spite?) I'm so sad lately because I realize I'm not going to get to go. I feel, fundamentally, that my life is not going to work out the way I want it to. He's done things before we met: he's been to mexico, he used to sail and go hot air ballooning, he quit his career and tried to be an artist for a while. I was young. I never have done anything on my own. Part of the reason I want to thru hike is to feel like I can do something. That I am capable. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that my marriage is going to end. Maybe not over this directly. I feel stuck. If I go, maybe I'll lose him. Maybe he'll be mad at me for five months. If I don't go, I'll always wonder what might have been. I have a history of depression and I feel it creeping back when I realize that I might not get to do this. Maybe I'm just selfish.

Have you tried inviting him to go along?
And enjoy it with you?

[Rain Man]

Maybe I'm just selfish.

It's impossible to tell one way or another from a few quick facts and a great distance. My inclination is that he's the one selfish, not to mention possessive and insecure.

On the other hand, heading into the woods for six months IS a big deal.

I like the advice about seeking professional counseling (rather than "WB counseling," which isn't worth the paper it's not written on). After all, a marriage is a mutual partnership.

BEST to you both, whatever y'all decide. For what it's worth, you make me grateful that my spouse is supportive and also that we supported our daughter when she announced in college that she wanted to "hike the AT."

RainMan

.

[Ladytrekker]

Marriage is a partnership it is unfortunate that your vision is not the same. But I think you should really think about this because it sounds like this could be a marriage ender and you need to be at peace with the decision you make. It is great to say live your dreams but when you get married there are two sets of dreams to contend with.

[sbhikes]

If it's a marriage-ender to go then it's a marriage-ender not to go, too. Because a part of who she is will die.

He sounds a little insecure, but it could also be that he feels she's trying to avoid responsibility and that he's had to do all the heavy-lifting and is being asked to do even more as she puts off "real" life for another 6 months. It's hard to know what is going on without really knowing them.

You can take comfort in knowing the trail will still be there. It took me 33 years to finally start my hike. If you don't go now, try to live your life like you're going to do it someday soon. Don't get in debt. Don't have kids. Keep entanglements and possessions to a minimum. Make the most of what time you do have. Live adventure everyday as much as you can. It does not have to be all or nothing. Since I have been home from my hike I've felt a little bummed knowing that my dream is gone now because I already did it. Then I realized I live close enough I could theoretically hike somewhere on the PCT every weekend for most of the year, and other places most of the rest of the year. Anybody can thru-hike. Who can say they live 2 out of 7 days of their life in the wilderness? How cool would that be if I pulled that off?

[rickb]

On the other hand, heading into the woods for six months IS a big deal.

Most people who start out with that in mind do not stick with it nearly so long.

Takes commitment. Its not all fun.

[prain4u]

Where to begin. There are so many issues here.

1. HARSH REALTY # 1: If you go on this hike in 2011, you can probably say goodbye to your marriage at some point in the next few years. That is not an easy or pleasant thing for me to say--but it is probably a pretty accurate statement. Thus, you will probably have to decide what you want more--a 2011 thru hike or this marriage. I am thinking that it will be very difficult for you to have both.

2. Unlike some other posters on this thread, I don't think that your husband is a being a complete jerk. After all, he does say that he wants you to wait until he can go WITH YOU on a thru hike. (Many of us would crawl over broken glass if it meant that our spouses would say those same wonderful words!). He seems to be a guy who wants to be with you and a guy who doesn't want to be away from you for several months in 2011. A 4-7 month separation IS a long time apart for many couples--and many relationships have trouble with separations of that length. Your husband is feeling hurt and scared. Thus, I think that his "Australia comments" have their origins in his hurt feelings and his fears. Remember, in recent years, he has already made a big sacrifice and let the relationship be in "second place" while you pursued your college responsibilities and college dreams. That is a BIG thing. Give him a hug!

(I showed your post to my wife of 20 years. She said" "This lady sure sounds like she doesn't want to be around her husband--especially on this hike!". Take her observations for what they are worth)

3. You say that there is an age difference between you. That is probably part of the problem. You seem to be at two totally different places in your life cycles. He is ready to settle down for a while--and you want to get out in the world and experience new things. I have seen many relationships placed under extreme stress due to an age difference. HARSH REALITY # 2: If your marriage is going to last, it may actually take a considerable amount of counseling for the two of you to work through the challenges caused by your age differences.

4. I do think that there is an immature, impatient and selfish component to your goal of a 2011 thru hike. You want your hike and you want it in 2011. A 2011 thru hike seems like the only acceptable solution for you. Well, in some ways that does indeed sound like a spoiled little kid.

You are no longer a single, unattached, college kid who wants to go and have some fun after graduation and before beginning your career. You ARE a married woman. You have a relationship to nurture. I am guessing that there ARE bills to pay. Where is the money coming from for this hike? Do you have any student loans to pay back? You have chosen to have a relationship and certain financial obligations. Sometimes, that means that you can't always do what you want precisely when you want to do it.

You have just been able to pursue one expensive and time consuming dream (college) and now you want to launch right into pursuing a new dream less than a year later. (And you seem to be somewhat resentful of your husband because he now wants to pursue something that is important to him--a move to Kansas, finding a job and obtaining some income). In my mind, you ARE being a bit selfish. Pursing only your goals and pursuing only your dreams is not a problem--unless you actually want to stay in a relationship with another human being who has hopes and dreams too! (HARSH REALITY # 3)

We have some people on WhiteBlaze who do indeed live a life of simply pursuing their dreams. (I applaud them for that). However, I think most of them will tell you that such a lifestyle involves some trade-offs. Often, marriages are not a part of pursuing their dreams, neither is a home or paying back student loans etc. I question whether you can REALLY have your relationship, your life and your finances all squared away in time for a 2011 thru hike. Given what you have written, a thru hike in March 2011 seems to be a somewhat ambitious goal.

5. Many of us have to wait decades in order to pursue our dream of thru hiking the AT. Until such time as we can complete a thru hike, we section hike and hike other trails. Perhaps that can be a partial solution for you. Yes, it hurts like heck to wait, but that is what many of us have to do (because we have responsibilities and relationships).

[Darwin again]

You're already banking considerable resentment into the relationship.
Talk to him and tell him you're going.
Go.
If the marriage is worth keeping, it'll be there later and just as strong.
If not, you will have saved yourself years, maybe decades, of the quiet misery of enduring a sad mismatch.

[FritztheCat]

Wow prain4U, that's an excellent post!

[Blissful]

The idea your husband wants to go too shows he is interested in the trail. And wants to be a part. I waited over 30 years for my dream. I got settled in my marriage. Raised my child. Waited and did dream. Waited on my hubby too, who did finally support my NOBO '07 hike with my son.

But now I want to go SOBO. My hubby was having issues big time about me going again this year. He did not want me to. And I realized I married him, not the trail. This is a partnership. I married for better or worse. I married in the belief of a covenant marriage and him as the head of the family (yeah I know some feminists will have issues with that). So I told him I would not do it. I would do Maine with him because he really wants to, hopefully NH too and then get off. I may do that anyway as I know how much he misses me when I am gone. But I know I cannot do this without his full support. I need him. He needs me. Its what marriage is all about. Its when two become one, not separate entities. Your dreams need to meld together to become one. And I believe if you are patient, it will happen.

But if one decides, well, marriage be damned, I'm doing the trail anyway, then the marriage was doomed from the start, and not because of some dream or the trail, but something a whole lot deeper.

[garlic08]

My wife got tired of convincing me to try a thru hike and just went and did it solo in '02. We're both secure enough to let each other go, I guess. I became her support team and visited her on the trail (from Colorado) every month. By the time she reached the White Mts in NH, she got me vicariously into the hike so much I came out and joined her for the last 350 miles and I got hooked. Two years later we thru hiked the PCT together. I returned in '08 and thru hiked the AT. So it worked out for us to become a hiking couple. I hope you work it out, too.