Hypochondriac husband

[sbhikes]

My 60-year-old partner is a hypochondriac. This does not mean his health problems are not real, it's just that his benign health problems are catastrophes in his mind. He has decided that he can no longer do backpacking trips because he's afraid he'll die even though he is not going to die from his problems.

We met hiking with the Sierra Club. Hiking has been the glue that makes our relationship worthwhile. He is a grumpy old man who veges out in front of the TV all the time. On the trails he he happy and alive. It's like the happy and alive man died all of a sudden.

I don't want to quit hiking to convalesce from imaginary fatal illnesses in front of the TV for the rest of my life. I want to go backpacking. He will no longer go and he acts sort of passive-aggressive about me planning trips to do by myself. I could find guys to hike with, but I think it would not look good to go backpacking alone with another man. Finding women to hike with is a lot harder and honestly, I am one of those women who has guy friends and never has gal friends.

Any advice for me? How to deal with a hypochondriac? How to continue to do the things you enjoy under passive-aggressive pressure to stop? I am thinking of leaving him or separating, moving away to get a new job. Is hypochondria so hopeless I should just do that?

[lutefisk]

You and others in his life can encourage him to seek help, but ultimately that will be up to him. When someone is emotionally immobilized it can be difficult to take those beginning steps to getting help. There could be some physical symptoms that he hasn't disclosed to you that have him fearful, though everything you've described is also consistent with depression. No one can predict if that happy and alive man will return, but if he would seek help at least there would be reason for hope. I wish you the very best.

[kanga]

i agree, that sounds like depression.

[-SEEKER-]

Since I don't know the Hypochondria specifics, I would bet a lot of it is what I call "old man mode". My guy is 64 and I've been going through it with him for a while now. I went through it with my dad too. He sits in front of the TV and eats all the time, or he sleeps. He makes me miserable with his comments passive/aggressive, and the past two years I have had to leave the trail early because of his whining and complaining. I have threatened several times to leave and then he behaves himself for a while. In the heat of the moment I think of him as an a***hole and a selfish B*****d, when in actuality he is probably scared of life and what old age brings. If you have something that means a lot to you, just go ahead and do it, he would, I bet.

[-SEEKER-]

i agree, that sounds like depression.

I agree too. Took me too long typing and these posts came in ahead of me.

[blitz1]

From your note it seems your partner already has had a medical evaluation, maybe many, to exclude treatable medical conditions that may be responsible for his condition. In addition to typical things like hypothyroidism, anemia, low testosterone, he should be screened for psychiatric illness, especially for depression, which also is generally treatable, and I hesitate to suggest it, Alzheimers, which in the early stages can manifest this way. I assume you have no kids to complicate things. Assuming the medical evaluation was adequate, you'll need to have a heart to heart with him, if you haven't already, about how this is affecting you, but I'd guess you're already way past that. And then you'll have to follow your heart and live your life, wherever that may lead you.
a couple of options to think about -
go on group trips; Sierra Club certainly has plenty of those, and maybe you could get your backpacking fix that way. But you'd still be coming home to a "Grumpy old man" so may not be a real fix.
trial separation (sounds like your leaning that way already)
move out
maybe next step could be to go on a trip alone and consider all these and see what's right for you?
the worst thing is just to stay in a situation that makes you miserable because you can't overcome the inertia to move on to something better, even though you don't see it right now. But sometimes a miserable situation improves when you really confront it head on and are willing to take big steps to force change (and I speak from personal experience here).

[Blissful]

Agree with Blitz, He may also need to see a psychologist / counselor.

[sbhikes]

He certainly needs a counselor, yes. I wish there was a way to tell his doctor that I think he's a hypochondriac. I'm not actually married to him, so I don't think I could just phone up the doctor and have a word with him.

What are you supposed to do when your partner is a hypochondriac? You certainly can't say that to them without offending them. You can't become too alarmed at their conditions otherwise you might feed the whole cycle. You can't ignore their problems otherwise they'll think you don't care. It's such a bind.

[Montana Mac]

FWIW I would chance the call to the Doctor if you have any type of rapport with him/her. This is the type of background the Doctor should be aware of for the overall care and treatment of the person.

[skooch]

I agree w/Mac. His Dr needs to know what you see to properly diagnose depression. Your man may feel he cannot improve with his ailments real or imaginary.
What could his Dr have said to scare him?
Maybe he needs a new doctor.
Sounds like you love him a lot.

[blitz1]

Have you met his MD? Does his MD know about you? If I were his MD and you called me out of the blue I'd be quite uncomfortable talking to you without my patients permission, but if the MD already knows you, then by all means talk to him and express your concerns. Does he have a living will, or do you have POA? If you have some standing in that way, then married or not isn't a big deal. at least not as big a deal. Other question is if he has other family members in the picture - prior spouse, kids etc., then it can get messier.

[skooch]

I'm in the health field and HIPPA law/privacy applies. But only the Dr has to keep silent. He/she can listen all they want. You can always send a letter on your concerns. No law against that

[sbhikes]

I don't know the doctor and the doctor doesn't know me. If I knew the doctor's name, maybe I could send a note by mail. Perhaps I could find the name somewhere on a piece of paper. Maybe it would be enough.

[Spirit Walker]

Have the two of you tried therapy together? Is he aware that he risks losing you? If you can't get through to him how much his inertia is affecting you, it may help to seek counseling together. I wouldn't focus on his hypochondria so much as the fact that the changes in his lifestyle are affecting you and that you are not happy. Tell him that you want to give the relationship a chance, but that unless he allows you to find a way to do what you love, your anger will probably end up dooming the relationship. I would also suggest that he find ways to deal with his depression. Suggest he see a doctor or a counselor about it, because he is too young to be a 'grumpy old man'. Could be he knows that he's losing you, and that's why he's so grumpy - but one way or another he needs help.

[aaronthebugbuffet]

Honestly if I were in a situation like that I would probably just move on.

[blitz1]

I don't know the doctor and the doctor doesn't know me. If I knew the doctor's name, maybe I could send a note by mail. Perhaps I could find the name somewhere on a piece of paper. Maybe it would be enough.

If you don't know the MD, and assuming he's under regular care, then I'd encourage you to go with him to next appt. For the MD to get a note out of the blue from someone they've never met, isn't "family" just doesn't work that well. Of course, this is assuming the MD will take the time to listen - too many are too rushed. It's possible that what your friend is telling you about his condition may be quite different from what the MD is trying to communicate, so for you to go along may give you more insight into things. Maybe you'd even see another side of this than he's been able to communicate. This is pretty hard to sort out via forum postings!

[jbwood5]

Honestly if I were in a situation like that I would probably just move on.

I know every relationship is different, but my wife can't hike and it doesn't stop me from taking back packing trips with another man or women. My wife is OK with that and we'll be married 40 years next week. Frankly, she wants some time away from me once in a while and I'm the same way. Last year I crossed 40 miles of the Smokies with a 57 year old gal who is in terrific shape. We did this to enjoy the hike... nothing else.

Just because you have different interests doesn't mean you have to split, however, the guy does need to get some exercise and at least do some long day hikes. If he is really happy hiking, there should be no fear of dying on the trail doing what you like to do IMHO. As others have said, he may need some counseling to conquer the attitude and get back to living an enjoyable life. Getting him to accept that will likely be your toughest challenge..... but you can only do so much and still enjoy your own life.

[Sierra Echo]

Well you gotta die somewhere. I would rather die on the trail doing something that I love instead of dying in a hospital bed with a bunch of people staring at me.

[Wise Old Owl]

My 60-year-old partner is a hypochondriac. This does not mean his health problems are not real, it's just that his benign health problems are catastrophes in his mind. He has decided that he can no longer do backpacking trips because he's afraid he'll die even though he is not going to die from his problems.

We met hiking with the Sierra Club. Hiking has been the glue that makes our relationship worthwhile. He is a grumpy old man who veges out in front of the TV all the time. On the trails he he happy and alive. It's like the happy and alive man died all of a sudden.

I don't want to quit hiking to convalesce from imaginary fatal illnesses in front of the TV for the rest of my life. I want to go backpacking. He will no longer go and he acts sort of passive-aggressive about me planning trips to do by myself. I could find guys to hike with, but I think it would not look good to go backpacking alone with another man. Finding women to hike with is a lot harder and honestly, I am one of those women who has guy friends and never has gal friends.

Any advice for me? How to deal with a hypochondriac? How to continue to do the things you enjoy under passive-aggressive pressure to stop? I am thinking of leaving him or separating, moving away to get a new job. Is hypochondria so hopeless I should just do that?

So let him mope, quit paying the damn cable bill - make him write the check out of his pocket. Tell him to mow the grass or get out. Keep in mind we have a one sided story here, but we as a group will back you up.

60 YR old men have heart palpitations, it a damn signal to get healthy and off the couch, tell him that.

Finding a girl to hike with you? - There are hundreds here who would be glad to call you a freind, perhaps you should rethink that statement. Its an endevor or challange you shoud take. Part of working a new relationship is part and parcel of being human.

Doting on a sick male is not. He needs to grow a pair.

That's my opinion and I am sticking to it. remember to vote in the next election.

[Freedom Walker]

Well you gotta die somewhere. I would rather die on the trail doing something that I love instead of dying in a hospital bed with a bunch of people staring at me.

Ditto, My wife's mom is 90 and been in and out of hospitals, nursing homes, assisted living for the past year and after seeing how those precious people live, I have concluded that i would rather burn out than rust out. Not that I want to go before my time, but if I die trying to top a tall mt, you can tell them I went out doing what I wanted to do. I come alive when I get outdoors.