Marriage, Trail Relationships, and the AT

[Wendigo]

Once again, I turn to my reliable WhiteBlaze community for opinion and expertise for a series of blog posts I'm working on. This one is about...marriage and trail relationships!

Thoughts, opinions, and personal experiences are welcome; here's some questions I have --

Is the A.T. a place to go to "test" a marriage which already exists? Why or why not?
Is the A.T. a place to go looking for a life partner? Why? Why not?
What's your experience with relationships which expand past the Trail and become marriage?
How has your relationship been strengthened by hiking the A.T.? How has it suffered?
Explain how the A.T. is an "emotional cauldron" for relationships.
Has the memory of a relationship that soured while hiking the Trail kept you from returning to hike it again? Why or why not?
Did you expect, or look for, a romance on the A.T.? Why? Why not?
How did that relationship add to or detract from your goal of hiking the Trail?
Any other thoughts, wisdom, ideas you would like to add?

Thank each of you, my WhiteBlaze fellow hikers, in advance, for your input!

May all your hikes be rewarding and all your footpaths smooth!
Wendigo the Windwalker
AT 1985 & 1988

[GoldenBear]

Thankfully, I have forgotten all my experiences with finding a life partner, so the only question for which I have any expertise is

> Is the A.T. a place to go to "test" a marriage which already exists? Why or why not?

Not sure what you mean by "test."

If you mean, "Is the A.T. a good place to find out how well you can resist temptation?", I can only say there is NO good place for such a "test."
Going into a situation with resisting temptation as a major goal will never have a good result -- even if you succeed in doing so, it won't help the marriage to mention it.

If you mean, "Will there be temptations on the trail?"; I can only say that, after a day on the trail, looking for love is about the furthest thing from my mind.


I will say that what I've been saying for years: hiking the A.T. can be a great tool to enhance a marriage:

http://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/show...ht=#post961344

Note that my post was made almost three years ago, and everything I said then I'll be more emphatic than ever about today.

[Wendigo]

Thanks for pointing out a place where my questioning was weak. By "testing" I mean seeing whether the physical and emotional challenges a married couple may encounter on the trail can be overcome in such a way as to strengthen their marriage rather than dissolve it. I really appreciate your input! Thank you!

[Hill Ape]

i wouldn't "test" a marriage with anything, much less a thru hike... paces vary, physical abilities vary. my ex wife liked to hike, but hated to backpack, the few times she did go with me i ended up carrying the bulk of the weight (as any good husband will)

my regular hiking buddy is 6'6" tall, his fiance is 5'1"... there is no way they can naturally hike at the same pace, one of them is always going to be outside their comfort zone. we took her out for her first backpacking trip, she did great. she dehydrated food, cooked little loaves of banana bread with protein powder, totally got into handing them out as trail magic. she took to the social aspects of the trail more than i ever have. but we stopped far more than i usually do. i never complained (gotta protect my best man status) but looking forward to future hikes, i see myself hiking ahead of them. no wife, or husband, wants to be left behind.

i gave a ride this spring to three thru hikers, from unicoi into helen. a couple, and his best friend. she was into it, the best friend was into it, but the boyfriend was WAY out of his depth. it was obvious to me he didn't really want to be there. he was a cool guy, i bought them all a beer, but afterwards joked with my friends she should drop him and hike on with his best friend. does that reflect on their relationship at all? no, i don't think so. i wonder what happened to them, the realist in me thinks he probably dropped... did she drop with him? who knows. if you're on a thru hike with your wife or husband, and they need to drop, for whatever reason.... will you hike on, or be a good spouse? its not even a close call, you're gonna drop.

i wont be starting my thru hike attempt with a partner. i'll just be one of the masses. i'm sure i'll fall in with others that share my pace, i'm sure that over the course of the entire trail my pace will change, as will the company around me. i wouldn't want to put that burden on a relationship.

[Wise Old Owl]

Well we are off to a good start - I married my wife some 28 years ago - she has nothing in common and does not have 21 points of F'in compatibility... hence she enjoys hiking around the mall and she competes me.

And we love each other on an awesome level. We celebrate our differences and what we have in common, she does things I cannot do or have no patience for, like banking. She sees me as the protector, the truth is I am a survivalist, I offer support, I provide solutions that have not been thought of. We work together as a team! I work hard to rock her world when I can. The vocabulary is CHERISH each other! We still hug and hold hands and empathize when we can. I did not answer the question, but after reading what you wrote, good luck, I wish I had a better answer.

[Carl Calson]

my wife and i hiked from GA to VT this year as newlyweds. although we'd been together for 4 years when we started, we had never been in a situation where we were with each other 24/7 for 3 months straight. it was a good test to see if we could stand each other for that long and the amazing experiences we shared together, whether good or bad, brought us closer in the end. i suspect that it depends on the couple and their situation, though. it could go either way, and we were lucky it turned out well.

[Smooth & Wasabi]

My wife and I did a 1200 mile section hike together just before getting married. While I do not like the idea of "testing" a marriage I would say that transitioning to the responsibilities of parenting and dealing with the roller coaster of life is much more trying on a relationship than long distance hiking, which is after all a vacation.

[Feral Bill]

Well we are off to a good start - I married my wife some 28 years ago - she has nothing in common and does not have 21 points of F'in compatibility... hence she enjoys hiking around the mall and she competes me.

And we love each other on an awesome level. We celebrate our differences and what we have in common, she does things I cannot do or have no patience for, like banking. She sees me as the protector, the truth is I am a survivalist, I offer support, I provide solutions that have not been thought of. We work together as a team! I work hard to rock her world when I can. The vocabulary is CHERISH each other! We still hug and hold hands and empathize when we can. I did not answer the question, but after reading what you wrote, good luck, I wish I had a better answer.

WOO: There is no better answer,

[prain4u]

I have no personal experience with relationships and the AT. However, I have plenty of experience with relationships and relationship counseling. I have thirty years of experience as a Pastor (including 13 years as a military chaplain) and 22+ years as a counselor in the secular world. (Clearly, some of those time periods overlap. I am old--but not THAT OLD).

I have dealt a great deal with Soldiers and military deployments. I have come to believe that there is a great deal of commonality between military deployments and people who leave their families to go on long distance hikes. It has been my experience that the relationships which were "strong" prior to the deployment (or hike)---usually remained strong and/or became stronger during the deployment/hike. Those relationships which were "struggling" prior to the deployment (or hike) continued to struggle and probably became worse during the period of absence and/or in the first year following the return from the deployment/hike. It really isn't the deployment/hike which causes the problems (or which causes the strengthening) in the relationship. The deployment/hike merely amplifies the problems (or strengths) which were already present in the relationship.

Here's another issue....When one partner is a (potential) distance hiker--and one is not---the process by which they "work through" whether (or not) the one partner goes on a thru hike is probably just reflective of the way in which they work through other major relationship issues--such as how many kids will we have, where will we live, how we will deal with finances etc. If the decision to go (or not go) on a thru hike causes problems in the relationship--there is a good possibility that SOME OTHER ISSUE would eventually cause a problem in a relationship too. The issue isn't really "Should he/she go on a thru hike?". The real issue is how do we work through those rough times when one partner wants something TOTALLY different than what the other partner wants? The ultimate "answer" to the thru hike question really isn't important. The process by which the couple ARRIVES at that answer is the real key to whether (or not) the relationship will endure.

Regarding cheating on the relationship....People who will cheat while out on the trail--or who will cheat while the other partner is away hiking the trail--would probably eventually cheat in other circumstances too. It is NOT the trail or the absence from the partner that causes the cheating. The trail doesn't cause the problems--it merely brings them to light.

For "unattached" people, meeting someone on the trail CAN lead to a long-term relationship or marriage. However, I wouldn't recommend entering into a marriage or other "permanent" relationship with that person during the hike or even during the first 18 months following the hike. (I would GENERALLY give the same "warning" about meeting someone in college or meeting someone if you are in the military for just a few years too). Such settings are not "real". They are temporary and very "specialized" settings which have very little in common with "normal" day-to-day life. Just because you can get along with someone on the trail (or at college or while in the military)--does not mean that you will be compatible in a more "typical" setting. People often behave differently when they have jobs to go to, bills to pay, other responsibilities, and when friends and/or family members present. If you meet someone on the trail, you probably need to take 18 months or so to get to know them OFF THE TRAIL--before you will have a clue as to whether you are REALLY compatible. (Face it, you rarely have mother-in-law issues on the trail and you generally don't have problems with work or the boss. Living in a house with "stuff" is far different than living in a tent and moving all of your possessions each day).

Is the trail a good place to go "looking for romance"? Frankly, most folks who go "looking for romance" ANYWHERE--rarely find lasting romance. More often than not, "lasting romance" tends to sneak up on you when you least expect it.

Are there exceptions to all of these things that I have stated? Will other WhiteBlaze posters be able to contradict everything that I have written with their own personal experiences? OF COURSE! I am merely presenting some GENERALITIES--not ABSOLUTES. (Someone can meet a person in a bar, move in with them that same night and have a wonderful 50 year romance, However, that is the EXCEPTION not the GENERAL pattern of things!. The same is true with what I am saying here. There are generalities and exceptions to every scenario.)

[garlic08]

My wife and I completed one thru hike together, the PCT. I know exactly what you mean by "testing" a marriage. We'd been married over 20 years when we made that hike, and we felt our marriage was tested. Five months together, 24-7, in often filthy, sometimes stressful, animal-like conditions, is a test for any relationship. Especially for two people who are essentially alike. Our marriage bent, but did not break. I can't say it's stronger, but we know more about each other now and we have more respect for each other. We travel better together and we own way less stuff than we used to. Ten years later, we're still married and it's still a fine partnership.

We feel anyone who hasn't hiked a long trail really can't understand us very well. Our closest mutual friends are trail friends. That's probably the greatest benefit we've gained from hiking.

To the other questions, long trails are an excellent place to develop long-lasting friendships. Not sure about romance, but friendship is the part of a relationship that really lasts in my opinion. I've never considered romance to be a part of long distance hiking. I tend to concentrate more on the physical aspects of a long hike than the emotional ones. I don't ignore emotions, but I don't dwell on them. (My wife's the same.)

[HikerMom58]

I'm enjoying this thread. Unfortunately, I don't have anything to add to this thread but I enjoying reading what others are sharing. Good stuff!!!

[WanderWoman]

"Sometime it last in love and sometime it hurts instead"

[GoldenBear]

All I can say is that, in marriage, the motto "HYOH" is ESPECIALLY important. People MUST ensure that they do not try to force their spouses to take up their own hiking style. This can include not hiking at all! If a couple can live by this creed, their marriage will most likely be enhanced. If not, they can only expect trouble.

My wife ("trail" name of Shuttle) and I have done backpacking together a total of one night -- and, the more I look back at it, the more thankful I am that she didn't hire a divorce attorney when it was over. Plain and simple, she endured a level of pain, both physical and emotional, that nobody should have to go through. And somehow she STILL wanted to stay married to me.

My "bug" for backpacking grows stronger every year; Shuttle never caught it and never will. Fortunately, we both recognized this fact many years ago and have found the PERFECT (at least for us) solution to this difference. Compromises like this are the essence of what makes a marriage enduring and an experience to cherish.

[ChuckBrown]

before my thru hike, when i was still a young 35, i imagined that I would meet the hiker girl of my dreams, some 5000 miles and 12 years later It has not happened. In all these miles hiked, all over the country, I have met folks who did meet there partner on the trail, most of those have not worked out, when removed from the trail environment. One couple , I know is still together, but that woman hiked three thru hikes before she met the right man.

the following are examples of people who met on the trail....

While sectioning GSNP, after my thru hike, A snow storm came up, so i went down a side trail, on that trail I met a guy who had thruhiked the year earlier. He offered me a ride to Gburg, he was very open about this story...when he started his hike he was engaged to a woman( I am from MA, you can marry any type of human you want.) on the trail he met another woman, they hooked up and were a couple for the majority of his hike, she knew he was engaged and did not care, she had the man she wanted. By the time the hike ended, they both began to feel guilty, man went home to his fiancé , woman went home, but continued to call man. Fiance, gets a hold of his cell phone, calls back the number and discovers other woman. They talk a couple of times, both woman decide man is a jerk and leave him.

Then there was the woman who met and married her partner in damascus, 450 miles into the hike and maybe six to eight weeks. Before they get out of VA, it turns out, he is a raging alcoholic and is arrested at hostel for assaulting(beating up) another hiker. Dude actually kicked out the window on police car, I m guessing he went to jail for while.

[TheYoungOne]

When I first started posting on WB, I was curious about the same subject and started this thread about finding love on a AT thru hike.
http://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/show...Hike&highlight=

The reason why I asked was there was this cute young woman who was posting videos of her prep and her thru hike on Youtube. In the beginning she was with a large group of hikers, but has the hike progressed most of the group peeled off and she was basically hiking with one guy who was around her age. Pretty much one video entry you just know they finally did "it" even though nothing was officially said. The last video was of them getting a ride home from Katahdin and you get this weird "now what are we going to do" vibe. I have to admit I am real curious about where things stand in that relationship today. I'm suprised some TV network hasn'ty tried to film a reality show on the AT. I really hope they don't, but youtubeAT thru hike video trail journals are real interesting to watch.

I'm not going to post the Youtube link because I don't want to embarass the parties involved if they are members of WB.

[Hill Ape]

post the link, name names!!

[Karma13]

Seriously! Or at least give clues.

[Hill Ape]

well, he joined in sept of of '10, so it would have been someone planning a '11, and posting vids of prepping for it, and who actually made it, and has a vid of getting a ride at the end... yep, think i got her... stalking 101, i can teach college level courses

[fredmugs]

8 hours a day hiking on my first AT section hike made me realize I needed a divorce. Thanks AT!

[HikerMom58]

well, he joined in sept of of '10, so it would have been someone planning a '11, and posting vids of prepping for it, and who actually made it, and has a vid of getting a ride at the end... yep, think i got her... stalking 101, i can teach college level courses

.......................you got what it takes, Hill Ape.... LOL!