How do you deal with worried family members.

[Dogwood]

Thank you for the kind words Semodex. I am very passionate about seeing people attain their potential which is unlimited. I get immense satisfaction witnessing people being freed from their chains especially when those chains are largely self imposed. As such, one of the things I COMMONLY notice are people being bound up in fear no matter how it's wrapped up to look like something else. I also notice that FEAR is one of the MOST COMMONLY USED tools by a great many individuals and groups to get people to adhere to their self serving agendas. Corporations, politicians, religious leaders, law enforcement, media, military, employers, parents, etc use it to get others motivated to do something they normally wouldn't. As such, FEAR is VERY MUCH a part of society norms. It's rampant. Be aware of it.

But, I tell you we can also be equally motivated by gratitude, hope, knowledge, wisdom, love and faith(trust). AND, when we operate out of these traits it quickly becomes clear and obvious just how often fear is used as a self serving tool by others to get us or groups of others to do something. You, as well as your loved family members, can choose to operate under a MORE EMPOWERING system. Be aware of what systems and paradigms you buy or let yourself be drawn into. There are almost always someone or some group that's all too eager to influence you to do what they want rather than letting you openly and wisely DECIDE what you want!

[DLP]

Also to to add
OP's question: "How do you deal with worried family members"
Answer: "As individuals"

I deal with my mom and sister and sister in law and husband differently.
I probably wouldn't tell my mom if I was going away for 3 weeks or 3 months. My husband would kind of notice that I wasn't around.

Also, sort of like blisters or HYOH or anything else in life... what works with me and my husband/mother/sister/etc, might not work with yours. But it never hurts to trade ideas.

[DLP]

But, I tell you we can also be equally motivated by gratitude, hope, knowledge, wisdom, love and faith(trust).

I totally agree with this.

Not all worried people are being manipulative. Some are. But not all. Some really just need more information. But I really agree with your post that it is better to come from a positive place of gratitude, and love and trust and all of the other virtues you listed.

[bear bag hanger]

After watching the local evening news, I'm more worried about staying home than I am about hiking the trail!

[Goonky]

This may sound kind of cold/harsh, but I agree with Dogwood that their fear is their fear. It's not mine. While I can do some things to help (education, photos, etc.), I can't stop their fear. I think as women, we often want to make sure everyone else is taken care of. We often put the feelings of others before our own and spend more mental energy on assuaging their fears than doing our own preparations. I take appropriate safety precautions, preparations, and measures, and if someday I feel that a SPOT or similar device may be one of those measures, I'll take it. Right now, I don't, because that would be packing someone else's fears (not even my own). It's only very recently in our history that there's an expectation that anyone can be reached at any time, and our desire to go to places where that's not always possible runs counter to the connectedness that others may expect.

Just wanted to say these are really great points. In my personal situation, I have found my efforts to educate and ease minds at home to be helpful to those who worry and not a hindrance to my preparation or hike. A few years back I lost a brother unexpectedly (to be clear, his death was completely unrelated to hiking), and as you can imagine his passing was very hard on my mom. Whether it's logical or not, she fears losing another child, and I do get that, even though I know hiking is safe. If I can do some things here and there that help her understand what I'm doing, how I'm being safe, communicate from the trail occasionally that it's going well and I am fine, then it's worth it to me for the peace of mind it brings her.

I find I enjoy myself more when I've at least made these efforts, because I see that it does help and I know I've done my part. If they choose to keep worrying, it's true, there's nothing I can do about that, and I certainly won't let that stop me from hiking.

Good thread. Excellent discussion.

[mdp9]

Alot of the cause for concern is based on a lack of understanding about the AT. “Womenand Thru Hiking the Appalachian Trail” is agood one to suggest a worried family member to read, or any of the many memoir’s(AWOL’s is a favorite). My parents did the first week with me, and seeing thefamily-like community form with lots of young solo females eased their fears.

[Butterfly58]

Great advice here!

[tiptoe]

Yes, fearful family members are very common, especially if one is female. You can talk til the cows come home about how supportive and helpful the hiking community is should an emergency arise, but that may not help. My siblings were strongly suggesting that I hike with someone or get a cell phone. I much prefer to hike solo, but I did get a cheap Tracphone -- one that weighs almost nothing and has a long battery life. I stressed that I did not want to be called just to chat and that I would keep the phone turned off most of the time, but I agreed to text my son, when possible, about my whereabouts, so he could follow my progress and get in touch with me in case of emergency. On my last hike (Rockfish Gap to Daleville, VA) the phone didn't have service, but the fearful ones didn't know that.

When I go hiking, I leave an itinerary and time frame with someone in the family. Before I had the cell phone, I used a phone card and planned to call home on town stops just to check in.

[DLP]

I was thinking of you and this thread this past week, Dogwood.

My 85 year old mother in law has a compression fracture in her spine, that is now probably about a month old. She's walking with a walker... but is also insisting that she is perfectly capable of being alone and walking her 45 lb dog. She KNOWS this could result in a fall and another spinal fracture or a broken hip.

I was thinking of you, and risk and fears and who owns the fear and the risk and your posts about carrying others' fears.

I said to my sibling in laws, "I'm really not in position to say, 'You can't do that' as I ski 35 days a year alone and go backpacking alone and do all kinds of things people (including my mil!) say are too dangerous. But then, a person has to balance the fears that others have verses realistic risks and potential injuries, and the impact an injury would have on others, etc, etc, etc..."

I don't know the answer to, "You can't do that (fill in "that" with _______). You might hurt yourself". Especially since my mil is in her right mind and all and is willing to take on the risk. On the other hand, my mil's injuries are significantly affecting MY life and I've been out of town with her for 22 days this month, so I kind of selfishly feel like, "No. You can't walk the dog... not, this week... I have other plans this month and I don't have time for you to break your back again!".

At any rate, I was thinking of your posts.

[kidchill]

Also, I found the family worry thing got better after time. The first few weeks out there, I think my moms was super worried (it didn't help that I started in ME with NO signal)...after a while, it's just a quick text when I hit town and she knows I'm still alive. It may take a little while for them to realize you'll be okay, but I would say it does get better for them. So, deal with the initial shock/worry, and keep-on hikin!

[Semodex]

I just wanted to give you guys an unbelievable update. Last week we had a family get together and my mom wanted to walk me to my car because she had bought me "a little something." She reaches into her car and pulls out AWOL's 2013 AT guide. After lifting my chin off the ground, I gave her a big hug, said thank you and told her how awesome the book was. She then said that she would like to "hike a mile or two" with me sometime if she had better shoes. In the past month, I haven't talked to her at all about hiking, but she knows through talking to my siblings (took my niece) that I'm still out there. I've kept everything positive when talking to my sister...keeping it to fauna and flora and amazing views. I want to thank you guys for all the advice and encouraging me to hike my own hike. Now to find my mom some boots.

[Water Rat]

I just wanted to give you guys an unbelievable update. Last week we had a family get together and my mom wanted to walk me to my car because she had bought me "a little something." She reaches into her car and pulls out AWOL's 2013 AT guide. After lifting my chin off the ground, I gave her a big hug, said thank you and told her how awesome the book was. She then said that she would like to "hike a mile or two" with me sometime if she had better shoes. In the past month, I haven't talked to her at all about hiking, but she knows through talking to my siblings (took my niece) that I'm still out there. I've kept everything positive when talking to my sister...keeping it to fauna and flora and amazing views. I want to thank you guys for all the advice and encouraging me to hike my own hike. Now to find my mom some boots.

Congratulations! Now, you can concentrate on planning your hike. Even better - You can share your plans with your mom.

[Dogwood]

That's GREEEAT Semodex.

[Butterfly58]

Fantastic!!!

[Dr Gadget]

LOVE it!!!!

I just wanted to give you guys an unbelievable update. Last week we had a family get together and my mom wanted to walk me to my car because she had bought me "a little something." She reaches into her car and pulls out AWOL's 2013 AT guide. After lifting my chin off the ground, I gave her a big hug, said thank you and told her how awesome the book was. She then said that she would like to "hike a mile or two" with me sometime if she had better shoes. In the past month, I haven't talked to her at all about hiking, but she knows through talking to my siblings (took my niece) that I'm still out there. I've kept everything positive when talking to my sister...keeping it to fauna and flora and amazing views. I want to thank you guys for all the advice and encouraging me to hike my own hike. Now to find my mom some boots.

[robin31]

When my ex hubby thru hiked in 2011, we made him carry the SPOT device. When he we reach his destination every night, he punch a button which then sent an email to me and famy members. It gave us peace of mind plus we could virtually hike the trail w him.
SPOT also had a SOS button just incase he fell down a ravine and broke a leg. ill be taking it next spring. :-)))

[annamagpie]

Great info--I was about to post about this topic then saw it has already been addressed. I've got friends who want me to carry a gun (she offered her husband who is a federal marshal to teach me how to use it), who want me to find a hiking partner, who at least want me to carry pepper spray. My mom (Semodex--I am also 47!) worries too--but keeps it to herself. Ai yi yi. I am just not worried about hiking solo. There'll be, like, 5 billion other people hiking the trail at the same time and the majority of them are gonna be pretty decent, I think. However, to add a question to the mix...are there any places that you would recommend avoiding for a female alone? The reason I am asking is that in Becoming Odyssa by Jennifer Davis, she mentions that Warren Doyle told her to avoid Duncannon PA ( and another place that I can't remember) just because it wouldn't be a good place for a young single woman. Anyone know of places like that?

[Zipper]

Love what Coffeebagger said.
And all the other advice too.

Bad things could happen anywhere. You're more likely to be harmed in a parking garage than on the trail, probably.

My experience is that those who were afraid for me settled down more when they saw my photos and read my journal entries and had a better sense of the reality of the trail. I didn't carry a Spot but I often had cell phone service and checked in with my husband nearly every day via a quick call or text. If I knew my phone was about to die I would let him know not to expect to hear from me for a day or two. He was super-supportive and he was the person anyone else could check in with to get an update about me.

Wow - that is so weird about Duncannon, annamagpie. I loved Duncannon and I loved my stay in the Doyle Hotel and I felt just fine there - this was in 2009, after Jennifer hiked the first time, I believe.

I am trying to think about any places where I would have avoided going as a female alone and I can't think of any. Really, so much of it is about the energy you bring into a situation. I am not a martial arts person, but I think people who study those arts would concur. I kept my energy calm, pleasant, positive and I didn't give off a vibe that I needed help or rescuing or was in trouble. And I always had an exit strategy in case I found myself somewhere that was uncomfortable.

Best wishes to everyone planning their hikes and working out the fear stuff with their family and friends!

[Teacher & Snacktime]

How do you deal with worried family members?


Beat them over the head with your hiking sticks and tell them to get with the program.

[m_factor]

As is the case for most people, ignorance breeds fear. The solution to dealing with the largely irrational fears of friends and family is education.
Pick and choose the from the methods outlined below based on your understanding of each concerned party.

I recommend having them read Larry Luxenburg's book "Walking the Appalachian Trail." It's not just about thruhiking, but gives a variety of perspectives including both the historical and practical.

While I have no statistics, some people may understand that you are probably more likely to be in a serious accident in a car just getting to the trail, rather than on the trail.

For those that think bears are a problem, point out that mice are the animal of greatest concern along the trail. Either way, there are methods to safely hang your food away from hungry animals. It's probably best not to mention the deer ticks as carriers of Lyme disease, but do take the time to educate yourselves about the ticks, prevention, symptoms and treatment of the disease should you fall sick along the trail.

As for guns, they are too heavy and often illegal to carry along many portions of the trail. The same is true for other weapons. Knives large enough to be used as weapons are heavy. Tasers may also require permits and require charged batteries. Bear spray can be used against bears or people, but neither are likely to comply if you ask them to move downwind of your position.

I also believe relying on cell phones, GPS, and other electronics such as SPOT devices may give a false sense of security for both the hiker and those expecting any sort of regular check in. Not just that, but in the case of a malfunction or discharged battery, lack of an expected check in can cause unnecessary stress in the least and expensive and unnecessary search and rescue calls at worst.

If you do go with such electronics, please ensure they understand that they should not expect regular contact. Tell them you'll only use your phone in towns, your SPOT or GPS where there isn't too much leaf coverage and when it's not too cold, wet, windy, hot, and when you're not trying to make miles or are too tired..

If they expect daily check ins, and your batteries run low, you may end up having to do miles when you're tired to get to town, or you may end up having to skip a swimming hole, an on trail zero day, or viewpoint just to check in. Don't limit yourself by having unreasonable expectations from those at home.

If at all possible, have concerned parties come visit you along the trail I don't mean to necessarily hike with you, nor do I mean for them to take you off the trail, but to hang out around the trail and get to know how the social environment of the trail works.

After my parents visited me along the trail in Shenandoah, they no longer inquired about my well-being, but rather how all my trail family members were, what towns I was in, the amenities therein, etc. When they were there, I continued to hike my normal miles, but I had them slackpack me (and some of my friends), do trail magic while I was on the trail (so they got to know other hikers, too), and help with a few shuttles around town. When they saw me sharing loads of laundry with other hikers, saw how I would have normally shared motel rooms, go out to eat with others, and just saw how we generally watch out for one another on the trail even when not part of a formal pair or group, they became much more relaxed about my being on the trail.

Another way to deal with this is to make sure you are an experienced hiker before your thruhike. Join a local group, start with day hikes, then overnights and longer hikes. Take a Wilderness First Aid class. By the time you do your thruhike, you'll be able to point out to them that this is not a six-month wilderness hike. Rather, it is six months worth of three to five day hikes, something they are already comfortable with your doing. I believe the longest stretch of trail without a road crossing is thirty-five miles in the Smokys. Even the hundred-mile wilderness is criss-crossed with roads though those tend to be very lightly traveled.

If friends and family see you as experienced and knowledgeable, they'll be more comfortable with you heading out on your thruhike.

You may also want to read a bit more on a tangential subject of partners along the trail. I have a page devoted to the subject on my web site at: http://friends.backcountry.net/m_factor/partner.html

I'll probably expand on this note and create a page on my site for this topic, too. There are similar concerns for international travelers as well.

Happy Hiking everyone.