How to Handle the feeling of "loss" when your partner does the trail?

[Hikerwannabe]

Currently the Special person in my life is doing the trail this year, I am very supportive of him doing this as I know its his life long dream and needs to be fulfilled. However I just want to know how others deal with the feeling of lose while their other half is gone. I kinda feel selfish for even feeling this way but and don't know if I should be feeling this way or Just go with the flow. Any suggestions?

[10-K]

Hikerwannabe - I want to say how fortunate your partner is to have your support.

I'm not Dr. Phil but I'd suggest that you can feel the way you feel and go with the flow at the same time. Feelings are just... well.. feelings. They come and go.

What I try to keep in mind is that when I'm in emotional turmoil what is causing me the pain is not what is going on - the suffering is caused by my desire for things to be other than they are. Going with the flow is the most skillful thing you can do IMO.

Thomas

[Marta]

It's quite natural to feel sorry for yourself when your partner is going off to do something exciting while you're stuck at home. All I can suggest is that you look at things that YOU want to do with your life and set up a plan to start doing them. You might be able to use you partner's absence to spend more time on your own interests. For example, if you have always had a hankering to be a landscape painter, this could be your big chance to spend some serious time doing just that. Join the Art League, maybe take a workshop, and spend your evenings sketching. Another possibility is to make sure you have concrete plans to spend more time with your friends, perhaps setting up a weekly "movie-watching at my house", or whatever. Maybe join a club. Just some thoughts...

I ran this past my husband, who was the at-home spouse while I was hiking. (I will point out, however, that he has done a great deal of foreign business travel in the past, and I have spent many months alone at home while he traipsed around on long trips to India, Korea, China, Italy, etc. so I was thinking of my own feelings there. It pretty much sucks to be stuck at home with three little children when your partner sets off on a three-week trip to India. In fact, I decided to do an entire thru-hike while he was spending four months in Italy.) Anyway, he mentioned that the at-home spouse has somewhat less free time than usual because they have to pick up the chores their partner usually does. This is true, but one must still take care of oneself, and not spend all of one's time working.

[Katherine]

After reading a wonderful book this past summer about someone's AT journey, I had been inspired to hike the whole trail...then thought "maybe in 2 sections"...then "I'll just walk a bit at a time for the rest of my life".
Now literally and psychologically in the dark, cold winter morning of my life where all I want to do is be warm and eat (and unfortunately gaining wt.), I have zero interest in walking the trail. Alas, the universe works her wonders and puts a woman right infront of me who is training to walk part of the trail in May, starting in PA and ending in Maine (the state where we live). I openned my big mouth in excitement about walking with her and now I am afraid I actually have to do it!!!!!!!!!!Yikes. So, on this dark, cold morning (that is now light because of my procrastination) I am headed out to the gym with my pack where it will be filled with 40lbs and I will begin walking the tred mill.
Needing some kind words of wisdom, I scolled this site (that I haven't visited since the summer) and found you and the girlfriend. I feel I am in good company.
One step at a time. that is the mantra that applies to so many things in my life. So, here I go, stepping to the gym.
btw, girlfiend, he is lucky to have you and I think it is sweet that you are having these feelings. To me, it just shows how important he is in your life. I am a Mom and my kids are nearing the ages of leaving the nest. It is a bettersweet feeling. you know you must let them go, but it is hard. This is love. cherish it is all I can say. OK I am going...no more stalling!!!

[dixicritter]

This is a subject I can relate to. However most of my experience isn't with my husband being gone due to hiking, even though this year I am supporting him on his thru-hike. The very best advice I can give you is to keep yourself busy. The absolute worst thing you can do is to sit by the phone and wait for a call, you will drive yourself crazy. You must continue to live life.

Having time out with a friend or group of friends is also a very good idea at least every other week or so. You must get out of the house, especially if you are a stay at home mom. The walls will start to close in on you and depression will set in, resentment towards your spouse will follow, then when he does call an argument will ensue and he'll have no clue what he even did (which was really nothing).

Try to not let things like this happen. If you need to talk I'm available. I have 20 years of being a Army spouse under my belt, so separations are actually quite the norm to me. The way I look at it, at least he's not being shot at on the trail.

[girlnextdoor]

hi Hikerwannabe ~~
i was in a similar situation when redwood wanted to hike the PCT in 05. My dad had just died a few months before, my best male friend from GA was diagnosed with cancer and my boyfriend wanted to leave for 5 months! it seemed like all the positive male energy i had in my life was leaving at one time.
i told rw my concerns, i did want him to do what he loves but i was being selfish too by wanting him with me during a difficult time in my life. a few times i got pouty when he'd call from the pct and tell me all the fun he was having. i wanted to be a part of it!
it was also hard because every day he was doing something fun, seeing new things, meeting people, having adventures - and i'm at home going to school and working -same old thing. i was also in charge of some of his logistics and boring details too so sometimes the scales weren't even on the 'what's new with you' conversation.
i got to go see him once out there and that really helped. and also i started focusing on me more and using the time apart to really hang with my girls, do yoga, learn to cook -(ha), watch movies, etc.
after he got home i was really glad he got to do something he enjoys so much and i was glad i didn't let my neediness interfere with that.
i wish you the best with your situation!

[Lilred]

Your man is lucky to have your support. Keep it up. My husband is a musician and is gone nearly 4 days out of every week. It's tough to be the one to stay at home, raising the kids and doing all the necessary things by yourself. When he is home, he's working other jobs so our 'time together' is pretty much nothing. Now, both kids are in college and it's my turn. Found out I love to hike and now I'm gone almost all summer doing sections. He supports me fully, as a thanks to me for supporting his dream. Find something that interests you and get involved in it while he's gone. Whatever you do, don't tell him too much how much you miss him or how badly you want him back home, it will make his trip harder. It will make phone calls home so much better if he can look forward to hearing about your new interests, instead of how much he is missed.

[Hikerwannabe]

I wanna Thank everyone for their input on my situation and you are all right...I just need to fill my void with something for me, and remain supportive which I am sure will fill some of my time. I guess what scares me is the over whelming feeling of lonelyness that I am going to have to endure hopefully I can just work on me and get myself to a physical point to do maybe thru sections the following year on vacation times Thanks for the input.

[dixicritter]

I wanna Thank everyone for their input on my situation and you are all right...I just need to fill my void with something for me, and remain supportive which I am sure will fill some of my time. I guess what scares me is the over whelming feeling of lonelyness that I am going to have to endure hopefully I can just work on me and get myself to a physical point to do maybe thru sections the following year on vacation times Thanks for the input.

The loneliness is the part you need to work on then. Set up times to go out with friends. Seriously, you need to do this. Getting in shape to be able to hike next year is fine too, but you need to interact with your friends now too. Otherwise, as I said before you will get depressed, it will cause problems in your relationship, and your spouse won't know what hit him. Trust me, I've been there.

It is great to see you being supportive of your spouse. However do take care of you too, because if you aren't happy and healthy you can't support your spouse very well now can you?

Keep your chin up and you have support here if you need it... just ask.

[d'shadow]

Great advice so far! Just want to add a few suggestions....treat yourself. Take long bubblebaths, watch that favorite movie, read a book from cover to cover. Go ahead and do that project that you have put off because of time constraints. I have been a "road widow" in the past when I was married. I now act as a support person for a friend who loves to hike and has more time than I do to get out, and more ambition. Dixiecritter is right, take care of yourself...men know you miss them, and really appreicate it when you can show self-reliance and independance so they can focus on what they have to do. Remember you also have the cyber hike community to lean on while he is gone.

[Hikerwannabe]

Everyone has been so wonderful and supporitve and I Thank You all so much.... I guess I will find out the true motives of him wanting my support once he starts the trail...

[bfitz]

Visit him. Meet in town and hike a few days, or take a weekend and slackpack him and spend nights in town. There's lot's of non hiking attractions on the trail for touristy activities. Show up in Hot Springs and hit the tubs!!

[Hikerwannabe]

Any other Words of Wisdom?

[Katherine]

loneliness is a fear some hikers have. it is so good to voice the fear because then it can't fester in the dark corners of your mind any longer. You can know that your biggest fear--loneliness, is something feared on and off the trail. So fear not! Join the human race of loneliness-fearing people! And then it is not so lonely anymore. I want to thank you for sharing. Now my loneliness fear shrunk and I feel like that happy yellow banana icon jumping up and down

[Red Hat]

I know that my husband will be lonely while I am gone. He is very dependent upon me for everything. In 2005 he developed type II diabetes while I was hiking, mostly because of all the junk food he was eating instead of cooking. He can take care of himself, and needs to know that. I wish he could or would hike, but it is not his thing. But it is time for me to take care of myself and my needs. So I'm going hiking!

[Thru Hiker Wife]

Oh my, how I feel your pain. I posted under the General forum and then cruised over here to see what I'd find and low and behold here it is. I dropped my husband off today to start his northbound thru hike on the AT. I don't have much advise to give as I'm already in the dulldrums but I have plans to get out with my girlfriends more (which is extra good since I work at home), spend extra time with our daughter, I've picked up a couple books, gotten some dvd's to try something new (gonna finally try to learn to play guitar), gonna TRY to get in better shape. We are a "fairly" young couple so money is tight so I'll also be working more in the evenings to try to avoid some of the emotional blahs at night after my daughter goes to bed and that will hopefully also hope the financial side of things. Other than that, I'm at loss. I will meet up with the hubby in a week or so for his last resupply, etc. here in GA and we have opted to bring him home for one last time before he leaves the state. From there, I hope all the above will help me as well as hopefully having some new understanding friends on WB to help me through the low times.

[skinny minnie]

Now that I have a vague idea of his whereabouts/mileage... I find photo's online of each part of the AT, and state by state as he hikes through I print out a photo and post it up with the date. Helps me keep track of where he is/live vicariously through him. I also check the weather reports. A lot! Although sometimes that makes me worry needlessly, but I still do.

[Camilley]

i'm driving my fiance down to Georgia this weekend so he can start his thru-hike... glad to know there's other folks out there going through the same thing i am!!

[dixicritter]

Welcome to WB Camilley. There are plenty of folks on here going through the same thing you will be here shortly.

[warraghiyagey]

I would start at the opposite end and meet her in the middle. Then turn and walk with her as she finishes.