funniest bear joke ever

[cabalot]

Subject: GOD AND THE ATHEIST

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. Running as fast as he could up the path, he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

Every time he looked, the bear was closer.

He tripped, fell to the ground, and rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh, my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came from the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others that I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you now expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, and replied: "It would be hypocritical of me to ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could You make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The brilliant light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen."

[Flash Hand]

HAHAHA!! good one!

[Mountain climber]

Thanks for the laugh and have a Happy Holiday.

[steve hiker]

I got a funny baer story too but its not a joke its true wanna hear it folks?

[cabalot]

I got a funny baer story too but its not a joke its true wanna hear it folks?

lets hear it dude

[steve hiker]

This is not a joke folks this happened to me last fall ...

It was a chilly morning last November when I got my public health doctor’s release, picked up my pack, and hit the A.T. to see this Joisey goil I met a few months earlier. About 3 miles after I headed out, I heard someone coming up the trail behind me. Turns out it was this really cute gurl from Dumcannon with one sock on. We spoke briefly and I learned she'd be working, um I mean staying at, my shelter later that night. With thoughts of this gurl in my head, I wasn't paying as good attention to things as I should have.

Day dreaming as I hiked along in a light mist, I head a loud huffing noise off in the bushes to my left. My heart beat fast as I tried to make out what it was. As I cautiously moved back, with a flash and a large crash, a huge bear came tearing through the brush before me. Forgetting all my knowledge of proper bear behavior, I turned and fled like a chipmunk running from a rapid moose. In my haste, my foot caught a rock in the trail and down I went, face first into a pile of horse poop. Covered in horse crap, I sobbed deeply and knew my lustful thoughts were to blame for all this misfortune.

But wait, I remembered I'd bought the special Backpacker-rated #1 Bore-Tex baclava with the optional poop remover. Boy was I glad I did. Pressing a chip in the neck sleeve, the poop wicked away instantly. Then, remembering the reason I fell in the first place, I looked behind me just as the 1,000 lb bear lunged at me...."

(to be continued ........)

[Jericho]

Cabalot
I like your Christian bear story. Perhaps the bear that once nearly ran into me head-on along the Trail was a Christian, and a vegetarian, too, thus I live to share my story as often as anybody will listen! Jericho ps I like your trail name, it causes me to wonder if you are from Vermont.

[Patco]

When I was hiking out west, a park ranger was explaining how to avoid bear contact by wearing a cow bell and carrying pepper spray, and how you could tell what kind of bears were in the area by examining their skat. He said in black bear skat piles you'd most likely see semi-digested berries and maybe bones from small rodents. In the grizzly skat you'd more apt to see cow bells and pepper spray canisters.

- Makes me glad there are no grizzlys along the AT.


=

[randy moore]

I will try to remember that next time I see a bear in the woods, what shoud I do first, ask him where his skat is or just run

[steve hiker]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Maine University in Monson. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would each go into the woods, find a bear, and preach to it.

A week later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, in a fine Irish brogue, 'Ey wint oot into th' woods to find me a bear. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to read to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Well, that bear wanted naught to do with' me and begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't prinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bar. And then I begun to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bar wanted nothing to do with me. I say NOTHING to do with the LORD’S WORD! So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNKD him and BAPTIZED his savage soul. An' jus like you said, he was gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY WORD."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! Preaching to the bear was easy, but he got a bit touchy about the circumcision."

[Jericho]

Pothead
I like the bear joke, but the funniest part of the joke is trying to picture a university in Monson!!!! I grew up in the town that borders the little town of Monson. I was schooled in a 2-room schoolhouse there. Keep up the sense of humor. Laughing is good. Jericho

[BrianD]

God did I love that one!!!!!!!!

[Scots Guards]

A bear and a rabbit were both taking a dump in the woods one day. When they were finished the bear asks the rabbit " Do you have trouble with poop sticking to your fur?" "Well, no, I don't" replies the rabbit. Whereupon the bear replies "Good", picks the rabbit up and and wipes his butt with him.

[KirkMcquest]

two guys are hiking thru the woods when they come across a blood thirsty bear. The first guy starts taking off his boots and putting on running shoes. The second guy says " hey, what are you doing, you can't outrun that bear!" and the first guy replies " I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you"

[Wolf - 23000]

A bear and rabbit are both taken a dump. The bear looks over at rabbit and ask, “Rabbit do you ever have problems with **** getting caught if your fur.” Rabbit replies, “No. Not really”. The Bear then takes the rabbit and wipe his ass.

Wolf

[Vi+]

Wolf - 23000,

I've heard this one someplace before.

(Post #13?)

[Fiddler]

If anyone is really afraid of being attacked by a bear they could always use the "cymbol" defense. This has been proven 100% effective, and so easy anyone could do it.

The method:

1. Walk around to the rear of the bear.

2. Look under his tail. You will see two round things about half as big as a man's fist.

3. Grasp one in each hand.

4. Pull them apart and slam them together as if ringing cymbols in marching band.

5. The bear will then run away as fast as he can in whatever direction he is heading.

*Previously posted in another thread

[Almost There]

Hey...do not insult my brethren...sometimes we go after people because we like the crunch!!! BTW the cymbol defense "will" guarantee that you will be the next "crunchy" treat. Ketchup also goes good with people!!! Please carry some in your pack.

[Gray Blazer]

NOT a bear joke...but, these two hunters were out in the woods and they got lost....The one says to the other, "If you fire into the air 3 times someone will know we're lost and they'll find us." So the 2nd hunter does so. They wait 15 minutes and they try it again. After another 15 minutes they decide to fire into the air 3 times again and the 2nd hunter says to the 1st, "I hope someone finds us because these are my last three arrows."

[Doctari]

If anyone is really afraid of being attacked by a bear they could always use the "cymbol" defense. This has been proven 100% effective, and so easy anyone could do it.

The method:

1. Walk around to the rear of the bear.

2. Look under his tail. You will see two round things about half as big as a man's fist.

3. Grasp one in each hand.

4. Pull them apart and slam them together as if ringing cymbols in marching band.

5. The bear will then run away as fast as he can in whatever direction he is heading.

*Previously posted in another thread

Um, , , this dosn't exactly apply to bears, directly, but in response to this "suggestion": From a saying at the renaissance fare (on a Tee);
"Do not mess with dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup!"

I suspect, and this is just a guess, that bears may agree with dragons, and grabbing the "cymbals" may encorage this opinion and the testing (tasting?) of that tennent.



Doctari.