Taking care of business

[The Cleaner]

Many years ago I hiked with a friend who said he had to "go" while we were taking a break. He walked a ways from the trail but I could still see him and he removed shorts and underwear while doing his business. When I asked him what was the reason for this he replied that " he didn't want to crap in his back pocket". Anyone else ever had this problem?

[Lone Wolf]

ummmmm.....no

[Pedaling Fool]

I can't believe I actually spent some time visualizing and pondering this question:confused: :(

[Sara]

Better safe than sorry? :-?

Perhaps he had not perfected the art of "poppin' a squat".

[Sailing_Faith]

This reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where George insisted he had to take his shirt off to go....

or was it about a book in the bathroom... ??? Maybe you had to take your shirt off if you had a book???

anyway, the idea is about as weird to me.

[Odd Man Out]

Google this ISBN number. It's in its 3rd edition

ISBN-13: 978-1580083638

[Tipi Walter]

You guys are so far "behind" me in this subject that if I had the power I'd just close this thread and move on to the art of careful peeing. Where to start? Naturally I go back to some of my relevant Turtlehead (turd) reports as recorded in past backpacking journals---

TRIP 43 FEBRUARY 2005
A SATIRE: THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH
I have a yawning and restless turtlehead wanting to see the light of day and I can only hold the lid down on it a few more minutes before it burrows out the other side, a terrible thought. No amount of preamble gas release will satisfy this particular colon lizard and so it might be time to lay out the paper towels inside the tent and bring forth into this world another Young William complete with umbilical cord and name tag.

"I was born in a tent on the Bob," the newspaper announcement will read and show one happy parent(me)holding a Turd. Naw, no reporter or photographer will be fast enough as Young William a'wailing will be immediately smothered and buried before the news ever gets out. It'll be our little secret.

The most dangerous part will be the actual birthing as in these primitive conditions 50% of all men attempting such a home birth die from hemorrhaging or shock. But oddly enough, there never is a stillbirth as each and every fresh young turtlehead is alive and kicking no matter what the condition is of the host. In fact, it's been known that a man long expired can involuntarily birth a frisky and healthy turtlehead long after there's a real need but this falls into the bizarre category of an alien colon lizard whereas the buttocks explode, etc. I digress . . .

Impending turtleheads have always inspired long essays on the subject and I guess this only shows the strong bond that develops between a man and his turd. Even though it is immediately smothered and buried, the turtlehead itself often shows a close resemblance to its parent-host with nature herself intending each to share 100% of the same DNA.

Sitting too long in a cold tent in a cold rain will often make a man pen elegant verse over his brown and yellow offspring and I am no different in this regard. Yet even after all these words my turtlehead is still alive and kicking inside me and so the time for mere words is over and the time to show that the miracle of creation is upon me.

Ok, a successful birth without complications has occurred inside the tent and the youngster was wrapped in old newspaper articles and put inside a grocery bag and left inside the vestibule for later relocation. END (Editor's Note: This was a very rare "In-Tent Dump" because the weather was terrible with a butt cold non-stop rain and too miserable to leave the tent and so an in-vestibule squatting occurred. Such dumpage also happens on occasion in terrible blizzards with horizontal snow and 0F winds).


TRIP 152 JANUARY 2014

MORNING TURTLEHEAD
I felt the tiny left foot of my belly turtlehead kick repeatedly out towards my groin and knew the impending collapse of my colon was going to happen with or without my participation and so I rushed off the gap to get out of the 20F wind and quickly prepared a birthing station complete with sani-wipes, q-tips(?), betadine, forceps, a speculum and a midwife nurse. Once arranged, my only job was to lay back and be administered a morphine drip and the nurse did the rest. Unfortunately I woke up 20 minutes later to find the nurse dead and a big pile of grinning turtlehead laying coiled on my bare chest. We talked and he was sorry about the nurse but he had no choice and said he would've come out on his own had he been left alone and allowed to follow, in his words, "my normal diurnal rectal cycles."


I asked him what he wanted to do now and why didn't he kill me too and he laughed and said, "But you're my home boy host! If I kill you I have no where to go back to", and I said "Oh no!" as he quickly snaked to my bunghole and reinserted himself this time all the way up to my lungs so as not to be able to be pulled out again. I jumped up and immediately felt sick and faint and started to turn green, not good symptoms in the field. I guess my backpacking trip can continue but I don't feel good with him squirming in my chest like a giant tapeworm or turdworm. He told me to keep eating so he can have some friends and I blacked out. True Stories of Turtleheads, Part 47, in the ANNALS OF COLON ADVENTURES OF THE ANAL-ALPINE MOUNTAINEERING SOCIETY ACCIDENT REPORTS OF 2014.

*******
I of course have another one but even I find it too disturbing to post here.

[Sailing_Faith]

Tipi,
This is beautiful, it is about as wonderful as those "birth stories" in the women's network (not that I know anything about that....).....
:p


You guys are so far "behind" me in this subject that if I had the power I'd just close this thread and move on to the art of careful peeing. Where to start? Naturally I go back to some of my relevant Turtlehead (turd) reports as recorded in past backpacking journals---

TRIP 43 FEBRUARY 2005
A SATIRE: THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH
I have a yawning and restless turtlehead wanting to see the light of day and I can only hold the lid down on it a few more minutes before it burrows out the other side, a terrible thought. No amount of preamble gas release will satisfy this particular colon lizard and so it might be time to lay out the paper towels inside the tent and bring forth into this world another Young William complete with umbilical cord and name tag.

"I was born in a tent on the Bob," the newspaper announcement will read and show one happy parent(me)holding a Turd. Naw, no reporter or photographer will be fast enough as Young William a'wailing will be immediately smothered and buried before the news ever gets out. It'll be our little secret.

The most dangerous part will be the actual birthing as in these primitive conditions 50% of all men attempting such a home birth die from hemorrhaging or shock. But oddly enough, there never is a stillbirth as each and every fresh young turtlehead is alive and kicking no matter what the condition is of the host. In fact, it's been known that a man long expired can involuntarily birth a frisky and healthy turtlehead long after there's a real need but this falls into the bizarre category of an alien colon lizard whereas the buttocks explode, etc. I digress . . .

Impending turtleheads have always inspired long essays on the subject and I guess this only shows the strong bond that develops between a man and his turd. Even though it is immediately smothered and buried, the turtlehead itself often shows a close resemblance to its parent-host with nature herself intending each to share 100% of the same DNA.

Sitting too long in a cold tent in a cold rain will often make a man pen elegant verse over his brown and yellow offspring and I am no different in this regard. Yet even after all these words my turtlehead is still alive and kicking inside me and so the time for mere words is over and the time to show that the miracle of creation is upon me.

Ok, a successful birth without complications has occurred inside the tent and the youngster was wrapped in old newspaper articles and put inside a grocery bag and left inside the vestibule for later relocation. END


TRIP 152 JANUARY 2014

MORNING TURTLEHEAD
I felt the tiny left foot of my belly turtlehead kick repeatedly out towards my groin and knew the impending collapse of my colon was going to happen with or without my participation and so I rushed off the gap to get out of the 20F wind and quickly prepared a birthing station complete with sani-wipes, q-tips(?), betadine, forceps, a speculum and a midwife nurse. Once arranged, my only job was to lay back and be administered a morphine drip and the nurse did the rest. Unfortunately I woke up 20 minutes later to find the nurse dead and a big pile of grinning turtlehead laying coiled on my bare chest. We talked and he was sorry about the nurse but he had no choice and said he would've come out on his own had he been left alone and allowed to follow, in his words, "my normal diurnal rectal cycles."


I asked him what he wanted to do now and why didn't he kill me too and he laughed and said, "But you're my home boy host! If I kill you I have no where to go back to", and I said "Oh no!" as he quickly snaked to my bunghole and reinserted himself this time all the way up to my lungs so as not to be able to be pulled out again. I jumped up and immediately felt sick and faint and started to turn green, not good symptoms in the field. I guess my backpacking trip can continue but I don't feel good with him squirming in my chest like a giant tapeworm or turdworm. He told me to keep eating so he can have some friends and I blacked out. True Stories of Turtleheads, Part 47, in the ANNALS OF COLON ADVENTURES OF THE ANAL-ALPINE MOUNTAINEERING SOCIETY ACCIDENT REPORTS OF 2014.

*******
I of course have another one but even I find it too disturbing to post here.

[The Cleaner]

I'm just trying to get my post count over the 1000 milestone before it goes in for repairs....

[The Cleaner]

My PC is need serious repair....

[HikerMom58]

I'm just trying to get my post count over the 1000 milestone before it goes in for repairs....

LOL... that's FUN! :>) Just 5 more....:banana

[turtle fast]

Its odd he went where you could watch him... Taking off the shorts, hmm a little odd but I agree he did not have the confidence in his squat. I did have a relative that during a cold deer hunting season was wearing a blaze orange one piece suit with a hood, he pulled down the suit did his business and wiped. After getting up and putting on his suit he happened to look back and up to see a guy in a tree stand 30 feet behind him with full view of the show. It gets better, after getting to his area and after a few hours he kept smelling feces, and he thought he had stepped in it while doing his business. It was so strong and did not go away. He thought maybe he got some on the back of his one piece suit so he takes his arms out of the sleeves to find out he had pooped in his hood....replete with all the toilet paper!!!!

[slbirdnerd]

For me, the biggest question isn't why did he remove his shorts, but why the heck didn't he go behind a tree, a bush, ANYTHING? Who needs to see that???

[bfayer]

Many years ago I hiked with a friend who said he had to "go" while we were taking a break. He walked a ways from the trail but I could still see him and he removed shorts and underwear while doing his business. When I asked him what was the reason for this he replied that " he didn't want to crap in his back pocket". Anyone else ever had this problem?

I'll see your story and raise you one: One time I came across a half naked (bottom half) old lady (had to be 70+) taking a bath in the pool below a spring near a shelter. I passed on filling my water bottle and went back to the shelter to have lunch. She came back to the shelter and was very embarrassed when she saw me there. We had a short talk. She was actually a very nice person to talk with.

To make a rather embarrassing long story short, she had acquired the runs and had a very similar experience to the one your friend was worried about. I was going to have a talk to her about the spring, but what was done was done and she was old enough to know better, so it would have been pointless.

After she left (I guess she was too embarrassed to stick around much longer). I made a note in the log and tore out a blank page and stuck a note up at the spring.

So I guess your friend is right, sh&# happens. Be careful out there.

[HikerMom58]

My PC is need serious repair....

I got ya... 4 more!

bfayer.. you are something else! :sun

turtle fast... LOL! That's NUTS! Poor guy! :o

[Slo-go'en]

I had some narrow misses and sometimes you just can't drop your shorts fast enough! When ever possible I try to hang my butt off the side of a log. That helps ensure you don't drop your load on your feet or shorts.

If you haven't seen anyone all day, just step off the trail a few feet and drop your pants. Someone will come by in a few minutes. This is especially effective if your a woman.

[bfayer]

..If you haven't seen anyone all day, just step off the trail a few feet and drop your pants. Someone will come by in a few minutes. This is especially effective if your a woman.

Now this I agree with! I have always found that when hiking, the probability of seeing another person on the trail goes up proportionally with your potential level of embarrassment if seen by another person. The situation itself is irreverent :D

[rafe]

If you haven't seen anyone all day, just step off the trail a few feet and drop your pants. Someone will come by in a few minutes. This is especially effective if your a woman.

LOL, I formulated something almost exactly like that, about 25 years ago. "If you want company in the woods, drop your pants."

I suppose this is mostly an indication that I'm not really stepping far enough off the trail for these matters. But then again, it often happens that I haven't seen anybody in hours or days, so I'm not really thinking about guarding my privacy.

[Ktaadn]

The average American can't squat properly. It all starts in Kindergarten when we are all asked to sit in a chair for 6-8 hours a day. This continues right up through retirement for most careers. Sitting shortens and weakens the hip flexors and hamstrings. Takes a lot of work to correct.

Anyway, I think the solution to the problem of going in the woods is to keep your pants around your knees instead of your ankles. Pretty tough to hit your back pocket at that point.

[Tipi Walter]

The average American can't squat properly. It all starts in Kindergarten when we are all asked to sit in a chair for 6-8 hours a day. This continues right up through retirement for most careers. Sitting shortens and weakens the hip flexors and hamstrings. Takes a lot of work to correct.

Anyway, I think the solution to the problem of going in the woods is to keep your pants around your knees instead of your ankles. Pretty tough to hit your back pocket at that point.

There's alot the average American can't do, like walk. (Knoxville has been declared the most sedentary city in America). Anyway, all this has been covered in the below thread---


http://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/showthread.php?100427-Constipation&p=1828140&viewfull=1#post1828140

[The Cleaner]

I meant to put this in the "Humor" section but could not find it. Oh well look's like some folks are enjoying it anyway. Happy hiking and be careful when crapping outside...

[The Cleaner]

For me, the biggest question isn't why did he remove his shorts, but why the heck didn't he go behind a tree, a bush, ANYTHING? Who needs to see that??? He was about 100ft away and once I saw him I looked the other way...

[bfayer]

I meant to put this in the "Humor" section but could not find it. Oh well look's like some folks are enjoying it anyway. Happy hiking and be careful when crapping outside...

Only 2 more :)

[The Cleaner]

Just my luck to reach 1000 posts on a crappy thread....

[bfayer]

Stop now and push away from the keyboard...

[HikerMom58]

Stop now and push away from the keyboard...

No, No bfayer... The Cleaner, you should post & win in the Thru-hike Video game thread... looks like a lot of fun! :)

[Tipi Walter]

I wish I could find the essay I wrote on helping backpacking newbs deliver their own turds. It's out there somewhere on the interweb.

[perdidochas]

Many years ago I hiked with a friend who said he had to "go" while we were taking a break. He walked a ways from the trail but I could still see him and he removed shorts and underwear while doing his business. When I asked him what was the reason for this he replied that " he didn't want to crap in his back pocket". Anyone else ever had this problem?

I haven't, but possible he may have had a different experience.

[T-Rx]

I wish I could find the essay I wrote on helping backpacking newbs deliver their own turds. It's out there somewhere on the interweb.

Tipi,
you are the Shakespeare of sh**, a regular Alfred Lord Turdyson.

[Migrating Bird]

Recently read a book, The Last Real People by Joseph Lapointe about Adirondack folks. The author tells a story of an ice fishermen going off into the woods to do his business. He was wearing a one piece snowmobile suit complete with hood. Later while riding home the driver commented on the nasty odor in the car, looking in the rearview mirror he sees TP sticking out of the guys hood. LNT?

[sureaboutthis]

You guys are so far "behind" me in this subject that if I had the power I'd just close this thread and move on to the art of careful peeing. Where to start? Naturally I go back to some of my relevant Turtlehead (turd) reports as recorded in past backpacking journals---

TRIP 43 FEBRUARY 2005
A SATIRE: THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH
I have a yawning and restless turtlehead wanting to see the light of day and I can only hold the lid down on it a few more minutes before it burrows out the other side, a terrible thought. No amount of preamble gas release will satisfy this particular colon lizard and so it might be time to lay out the paper towels inside the tent and bring forth into this world another Young William complete with umbilical cord and name tag.

"I was born in a tent on the Bob," the newspaper announcement will read and show one happy parent(me)holding a Turd. Naw, no reporter or photographer will be fast enough as Young William a'wailing will be immediately smothered and buried before the news ever gets out. It'll be our little secret.

The most dangerous part will be the actual birthing as in these primitive conditions 50% of all men attempting such a home birth die from hemorrhaging or shock. But oddly enough, there never is a stillbirth as each and every fresh young turtlehead is alive and kicking no matter what the condition is of the host. In fact, it's been known that a man long expired can involuntarily birth a frisky and healthy turtlehead long after there's a real need but this falls into the bizarre category of an alien colon lizard whereas the buttocks explode, etc. I digress . . .

Impending turtleheads have always inspired long essays on the subject and I guess this only shows the strong bond that develops between a man and his turd. Even though it is immediately smothered and buried, the turtlehead itself often shows a close resemblance to its parent-host with nature herself intending each to share 100% of the same DNA.

Sitting too long in a cold tent in a cold rain will often make a man pen elegant verse over his brown and yellow offspring and I am no different in this regard. Yet even after all these words my turtlehead is still alive and kicking inside me and so the time for mere words is over and the time to show that the miracle of creation is upon me.

Ok, a successful birth without complications has occurred inside the tent and the youngster was wrapped in old newspaper articles and put inside a grocery bag and left inside the vestibule for later relocation. END (Editor's Note: This was a very rare "In-Tent Dump" because the weather was terrible with a butt cold non-stop rain and too miserable to leave the tent and so an in-vestibule squatting occurred. Such dumpage also happens on occasion in terrible blizzards with horizontal snow and 0F winds).


TRIP 152 JANUARY 2014

MORNING TURTLEHEAD
I felt the tiny left foot of my belly turtlehead kick repeatedly out towards my groin and knew the impending collapse of my colon was going to happen with or without my participation and so I rushed off the gap to get out of the 20F wind and quickly prepared a birthing station complete with sani-wipes, q-tips(?), betadine, forceps, a speculum and a midwife nurse. Once arranged, my only job was to lay back and be administered a morphine drip and the nurse did the rest. Unfortunately I woke up 20 minutes later to find the nurse dead and a big pile of grinning turtlehead laying coiled on my bare chest. We talked and he was sorry about the nurse but he had no choice and said he would've come out on his own had he been left alone and allowed to follow, in his words, "my normal diurnal rectal cycles."


I asked him what he wanted to do now and why didn't he kill me too and he laughed and said, "But you're my home boy host! If I kill you I have no where to go back to", and I said "Oh no!" as he quickly snaked to my bunghole and reinserted himself this time all the way up to my lungs so as not to be able to be pulled out again. I jumped up and immediately felt sick and faint and started to turn green, not good symptoms in the field. I guess my backpacking trip can continue but I don't feel good with him squirming in my chest like a giant tapeworm or turdworm. He told me to keep eating so he can have some friends and I blacked out. True Stories of Turtleheads, Part 47, in the ANNALS OF COLON ADVENTURES OF THE ANAL-ALPINE MOUNTAINEERING SOCIETY ACCIDENT REPORTS OF 2014.

*******
I of course have another one but even I find it too disturbing to post here.

I laughed so hard I scared the hell out of my cat. Thanks.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Drybones]

Tipi,
you are the Shakespeare of sh**, a regular Alfred Lord Turdyson.

+1......................

[tsgosnell]

+1......................
Guess this latest play was a Tragedy....