View Full Version : Leaving a child at home..
My hike is planned for March 2015. I have one child still home, she will be finishing middle school while I am gone and be starting high school right after I get back. So she will be at least 2 months without me at the end of her 8th grade year, and the whole summer. Originally, I wanted her to come with me and we planned to do the hike together, but after doing lots of training hikes with me she finally admitted that she didn't really enjoy hiking. I still want to go, and she and my husband are really supportive, in fact she wants to be my support person and do my journal entries, mail outs etc. They will also visit several times during the summer. I am also leaving a small business in the hands of my employees (mostly high school and college kids). I know everyone has to deal with this stuff, but leaving my daughter for that length of time is really difficult to rationalize, and I feel very guilty about it. But I still want to go. Any thoughts on this subject? Would love feedback from those who have experienced this.
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HooKooDooKu
08-13-2014, 09:05
[Full disclosure, I'm a dad, not a mom, so the following comments represent the point of view from someone without the 'mommy' factor]
I just don't see being away from a child that is high school age for 2 months as being a big deal. Likely, as 'mom', this is a much bigger issue on you than it is on her. It's not like you're going to be away as she goes from crawling to walking... babbling to talking... and you won't even be out of communication for the time period you specify.
So long as she's going to be cared for, I'm thinking I'd be more worried about my business left in the hands of 'kids' than I would my daughter left in the hands of 'dad' (or other relative).
gsingjane
08-13-2014, 09:09
Well, the original post said that the poster's daughter would be without her for two months of school and then the entire summer (I take the poster is attempting a thru-hike). I have four children (three now young adults) and no, I would not have done this. I was gone for 2.5 weeks backpacking and even that was stressful and depressing for my entire family and for me, too. Just my experience, not telling you what to do at all.
Jane
Tuckahoe
08-13-2014, 09:29
Please forgive the fact that I'm intruding into the thread here... And I am not a parent but...
My first thought is that when a potential thru-hiker has the support of their family, there really isn't an issue. I realize there will be feelings of guilt (hell I feel guilty sometimes going away for a week and I have responsibility to no one), but as you have said, both your husband and your daughter are supportive. So what does any one else's opinion matter?
As you have also stated, your daughter will be finishing the 7th and heading into the 8th grade. It is not as though we are dealing with toddlers or young children, she is nearly a young adult and can learn from that time apart; learning to be independent is an important lesson. A benefit too is that she will possibly get some meaningful dad time. She has also expressed the desire to be your at home support team. That's pretty cool. After all hiking wasn't her thing but she is making It clear that she wants to support your desire to hike the AT.
Since your family has already expressed their support I do not see what the issue will be.
As a parent myself I certainly understand the potential guilt factor. However it sounds like your husband and daughter fully support the idea, and she even wants to participate in a virtual manner all along the way to stay as connected as possible and share the experience in her own way. Heck, if they're going to visit several times, they might even be willing to join you for small sections. Just because she doesn't like hiking enough to do the whole thing doesn't mean she wouldn't do it for a day or two when possible. Another option is you could also do it in 2-3 installments, so the time away isn't as long. There's no shame in section hiking. Its a personal experience, not a competition. If this is something that's going to make you feel stronger inside and is a passion of yours, it will make you a happier person overall when you've achieved it and this will benefit your family as much as yourself. Every time I come back from doing a section (usually just a couple of days at a time), I am more at peace with myself, feel stronger and am a more patient and engaged parent because my own needs have been met and I feel a sense of accomplishment that is a positive for my kids. Just some thoughts.
I am sure you will make the decision that feels right. Whether its 20 miles, or 2,000, have fun!
Alligator
08-13-2014, 10:32
Not framed as a women's issue, moved to thruhiker Q&A.
rocketsocks
08-13-2014, 10:42
My hike is planned for March 2015. I have one child still home, she will be finishing middle school while I am gone and be starting high school right after I get back. So she will be at least 2 months without me at the end of her 8th grade year, and the whole summer. Originally, I wanted her to come with me and we planned to do the hike together, but after doing lots of training hikes with me she finally admitted that she didn't really enjoy hiking. I still want to go, and she and my husband are really supportive, in fact she wants to be my support person and do my journal entries, mail outs etc. They will also visit several times during the summer. I am also leaving a small business in the hands of my employees (mostly high school and college kids). I know everyone has to deal with this stuff, but leaving my daughter for that length of time is really difficult to rationalize, and I feel very guilty about it. But I still want to go. Any thoughts on this subject? Would love feedback from those who have experienced this.
Sent from my iPad using TapatalkNormally I'd say your crazy and that it is very selfish to leave your growing child to pursue a want of your own, however in this case the child is hardly a child...more of a young adult, and would probably relish the time away from mom, hard as that may be to fathom. In addition you've said she and your husband are on board and actually prepared to become the support team...I think that's wonderful, more power to your family, bonds like these are hard to break....Go For It!
Parents can and do spend long periods away from their children. This happens a lot in military deployments -- and then for longer than 6 months. Its just part of life. If your family is OK with it, they will not likely suffer any damage from your absence. In a strong family, members go to great lengths to accommodate the desires of the other members. If thru-hiking is your thing, there is no other way to do it than to be gone. So you can talk to them on the phone every few days, send emails and they can visit you on the trail. You can also leave the trail for a few days at a time for a special event, like a birthday, graduation or wedding. Someday when your husband wants to do something extraordinary, you will remember how supportive he was and it will be easier to do.
I'm planning to hike in 2015 and I have a wife of 12 years and a 10 year old daughter. They are good with my plan and are supportive. I owe my wife big-time for this, of course, so we'll see what she comes up with later! :)
Odd Man Out
08-13-2014, 11:52
There are a lot of parents who sent their kids away to summer camp for most of the summer. This is similar, but in reverse. I know a lot of parents who feel obligated to attend every event (soccer game, choir concert, etc...) that their child is involved in, for fear that if they don't, they won't be "supporting their child". I think the opposite is true. I find that attitude to be more like smothering the child. When my daughter was on the HS tennis team, I came to watch matches when I could, but there were parents who went to every match (even the away-games at schools 50 miles away). I asked my daughter if she was bothered by the fact that I had to work for a living and had interests and activities that did not include her. She laughed and agreed that the other parents were being weird. I was glad I had raised an independent child who didn't need me to validate her interests. I think that it awesome that she tried hiking AND decided that it wasn't for her AND is willing to be your support person at home. All three of these show a healthy level of independence. Having her be involved with the hike from home will be educational and may in a way bring you closer together. And maybe she will learn how to do her own laundry and cook supper for her dad/self. I see very little downside. But what do I know, I'm just a dad. ;-)
Rain Man
08-13-2014, 11:56
My two cents:
That's a good age to be growing and learning some independence. In my book at least, "clingy-ness" is neither healthy nor a virtue. Two of my daughters were high school exchange students, gone for 11 months to another continent, one as a sophomore and one as a junior. One of the best things ever to happen to them.
The time flies by. Six months is nothing.
Rain:sunMan
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Pedaling Fool
08-13-2014, 12:05
I am also leaving a small business in the hands of my employees (mostly high school and college kids).
I agree with most about leaving the family, it's a good thing to get away. However, WRT the small business, you might wanna give that a little more thought. Kids have always been irresponisble, but there were always good ones to be found; however, in today's world it more difficult to find good ones and college kids are just as bad, if not worse.
Amazing- just reading these replies has made me feel better about my decision. She is used to me leaving for three weeks each year when I go to Vietnam with my organization, and this year she is coming with me for the first time. Maybe someday she will try hiking again, who knows! I'm going to share this thread with her too, I think she will enjoy reading what you all have shared. It might be liberating for her to realize it is ok to feel excitement about having some Dad minus Mom time.
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Just Bill
08-13-2014, 12:47
Look at the flipside-
Your children will learn about-
Making a dream happen.
What it takes to do it.
That life is short.
What a truly supportive marriage and family looks like, and how they behave.
That responsibilities come first, but having met them, it's not just okay, but vital to do things for yourself.
Military, poor, immigrant, and many other families have to deal with bigger hardships and circumstances forcing separation.
It's not the end of the world to be apart for a bit, maybe even better overall for your character.
From a parenting/teaching perspective-
We're also talking your youngest- which traditionally means a potentially clingy/dependent personality even as an adult. Psychologically- this short break at this age may be an excellent thing for her to experience and help her grow into a strong adult. What better experience for a young girl going into the very tough, and very small, world of High School to see what a strong, independent woman can do out in the big wide world. Taking on the responsibility of a support person, being included, relied upon, and useful to your trip is a fantastic thing.
The greatest benefit I received as a boy scout was being treated as an adult- there are few better gifts you can give to your child. Self esteem is self worth- make her a big part of your trip; have her do mail drops, upload photos, and any other reasonable things she can handle. Few things as a young adult make you feel bigger than truly helping a "grown up". Especially when that grown up is the invincible super hero known as "Mom."
Just because you walk out the door, doesn't mean you need to abdicate all parental influence, or that you have walked away.
In fact; it may be a fantastic opportunity to truly impart some life lessons to your child.
Best of luck-
cats.don't.camp
08-13-2014, 13:16
I'm also a mother and wife planning a solo thru-hike for March 2015. While I can't give any advice from experience since it hasn't happened yet, I can relate to your current feelings of guilt. My husband and I will have only been married two years by then and my son will just be turning 16. They are both super supportive. Nobody can tell you what your family can or can't handle except for you and your family. From the sound of it, your family sounds like a great support team. I think my personal guilt comes from reading about other people. It has nothing to do with me or mine. Everywhere I look there are people that just got divorced or just retired or their kids just left for college. What makes me special? Nothing. I think I'm just lucky to have them. Why can't I just wait it out like a lot of other people? I just have this sinking feeling that if I don't do it now I never will. I could get sick or injured before I even hit the trail. My husband could lose his job. Haha I'm happy and my life is great so you'd think that would make me not want to go but it's the opposite. I need to go now before life throws me a curve ball and I CAN'T go. That feeling of needing to go now outweighs any self-imposed guilt I may have of being a bad mother. I think, though, that I don't really feel guilty. I just feel like there has to be some sort of "catch" I'm not seeing, like their support is too good to be true? I honestly don't think we're doing anything wrong as long as there is strong communication going on. The fact that she was honest enough to tell you that hiking isn't for her is a great sign. She's not pretending to be supportive because she thinks that's what you want her to be. Plus her wanting to help with journal entries and maildrops is so awesome! For what it's worth, I think you're doing just fine. :)
Odd Man Out
08-13-2014, 13:27
.. It might be liberating for her to realize it is ok to feel excitement about having some Dad minus Mom time...
Great point BonBon. I didn't thing about the benefit it could have on the father-daughter relationship.
I agree with most about leaving the family, it's a good thing to get away. However, WRT the small business, you might wanna give that a little more thought. Kids have always been irresponisble, but there were always good ones to be found; however, in today's world it more difficult to find good ones and college kids are just as bad, if not worse.
Yes, as a business owner for more than 10 years I would tend to agree with the above sentiment. However- my AT staff (as only I know them by) are my staffers that have been with me since their freshman year in HighSchool, one of whom is my middle daughter. They have been trained for the past 4 years by me, are now leaving for college, which they are all paying for independently, and need a job next summer. Two of them have been named summer 2015 managers and are excited to lead with me GONE . I feel as as confident as I can leaving my business in their hands. And, after all- it's just business. It does not worry me as much as leaving my youngest daughter in her lat year of middle school. It is a concern though, but one of the things I am willing to let go of for a few months.
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The Solemates
08-14-2014, 09:36
Amazing- just reading these replies has made me feel better about my decision. She is used to me leaving for three weeks each year when I go to Vietnam with my organization, and this year she is coming with me for the first time. Maybe someday she will try hiking again, who knows! I'm going to share this thread with her too, I think she will enjoy reading what you all have shared. It might be liberating for her to realize it is ok to feel excitement about having some Dad minus Mom time.
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You came to a hiking site, so you should expect the majority to say its no big deal. Seems like kind of a biased opinion dont you think? You do what you think is okay for your family.....but contrary to what most others have said, I'd never do this, and thats the only way I know to answer your question....if I would do this. My kids and family are too important to me. Its a very selfish thing to do in my opinion. Wait til they fly the nest....its only a few years.
This is a tough one. I'm told my Dad used to head out for months when I was little I have no recall. My own experience is that I would only stay out a week when mine were real little missed them too much. Actually think this is harder on the parent than the child. Also I was lucky in having a comfortable space for them to be while gone. Mom and grandma. Myself it was Mom and Grandpa.
centerfieldr162
08-14-2014, 11:13
If they are ok with you doing it and are even going so far as to support you and do mail drops and blog updates then do it. No reason not to if they are being so supportive.
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Rolls Kanardly
08-14-2014, 14:17
At 14 she is already 'spreading her wings'. Give her some space and help her fly.
Rolls
squeezebox
08-14-2014, 15:10
Think of it as a chance for your husband and daughter to have some time to really bond and rely on each other at a very important age. Develop a strong life long relationship.
At that age my ex-wife drove a wedge between my son and myself as often as she could.
He is now 20, and has learned her antaganism to me.
My relationship with Colin is not what it should be.
Give them a chance to be strong family.
slbirdnerd
08-14-2014, 15:23
I'm with Just Bill. But I think you need to try to squelch your feelings of guilt before you go or you won't enjoy your hike. Maybe his and the other positive posts here will help!
About the business, I'd consider if it's doing well or not doing well, and ask yourself how you'd feel about it if it fell apart while you were gone. Depending on the answer, you may find you have different feelings about small business or find you have different goals after your hike.
I too am planning a 2015 thru hike. I am married to a military man and we have a 6 year old daughter. Our daughter has grown up with her dad constantly leaving for several months at a time for deployments. We are viewing my thru hike the same (but with the roles reversed!). Yes, I am going to miss my daughter greatly, but I do not have any guilt about leaving. My husband is perfectly able, and wanting to have some father/daughter time. We have spent the last 2 years learning, talking about and hiking portions of the AT. She is prepared for me to go, which in turn makes me feel better.
I agree strongly that the time you spend hiking, your husband and daughter will also be creating memories - giving them a special bond and allowing their relationship to grow. Yes, you are going to miss out on a few months of her life, but you will still have contact with her, you will be able to talk with her, listen to her and support her - as she supports you. I know there will be days that will be tough, but hang in there! Nobody said it is easy!
Thanks all. I was looking for feedback and I have some great and varied perspective here. I appreciate all of your thoughts.
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OK- so I posted this question during the hand-wringing phase of planning my hike. I was still worried when I started. I started March 23 and summited on Sept. 28. My daughter and husband definitely had a few challenges while i was gone, but I am really happy to say that the experience was great for ALL of us. We missed each other, but my daughter became very independent during my absence. She now cooks dinner ( and good stuff- she is a foodie now!) a couple of nights a week, does her own laundry, her grades have actually improved as she takes more ownership of her own life. She and my husband have become very close. I am so, so proud of her, and I am happy to say that she feels the same way about me. While hiking for 6 months, I would say that missing them was the most difficult part. But alls well that ends well. We were always a close and connected family, and now I would say that we are even more. I have no regrets.
chiefduffy
10-11-2015, 06:14
Thanks for the follow-up. I love a happy ending!!!
Tuckahoe
10-11-2015, 06:55
Congratulations Bonbon!
Why not consider sending her to a boarding school for the summer? Surely there is some kind of boot camp or other program she could be warehoused in. Frame it as a punishment for not going along with your hiking plans. By the end of the summer she'll have had plenty of time to think about her selfish behavior.
kayak karl
10-11-2015, 14:48
Why not consider sending her to a boarding school for the summer? Surely there is some kind of boot camp or other program she could be warehoused in. Frame it as a punishment for not going along with your hiking plans. By the end of the summer she'll have had plenty of time to think about her selfish behavior. she already did the hike and all went well. her daughter was on board all along.
Congratulations Bon Bon :)
MuddyWaters
10-11-2015, 14:53
Awesome.
In the end, best person to ask if its okay, imo, is the kid. Kids usually bond more with mothers and are more attached to and dependent on them.
In scouts we had occasional separation anxiety issues with boys from their mothers for anywhere from 1 night to 3 weeks. Even with their dad present with them. It was always a maturing experience for kids to make that first multi week break from mom.
Some sadly failed, both child and parent.
I literaly witnessed a 12yr old boy throw a screaming, crying tantrum because he wanted to call his mommy. On a 2 night campout. He got a phone from some kid that wasnt supposed to have one, and called her, and she came and got him. His dad was a scoutmaster and was present here. Thats one extreme, and kids span the whole spectrum in between.
Heliotrope
10-12-2015, 08:40
Bon Bon. Thanks for sharing your story and follow up. My daughter is almost 11 and I am considering a 6 week hike next year (AZ trail or AT section). I had a hard time leaving her for a week last year to hike the 100 mile wilderness. At the trail head she cried and begged me not to leave. It was heart wrenching. This year it was much easier to take the time to hike. As she approaches the teen years I feel myself reconnecting with my dream of doing long hikes.
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Pedaling Fool
10-19-2015, 08:17
Interesting article on the destructiveness of helicopter parents. I'm not addressing the OP's question, because I just don't know enough, but this article does seem applicable and something to consider. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/education/wp/2015/10/16/former-stanford-dean-explains-why-helicopter-parenting-is-ruining-a-generation-of-children/?wpmm=1&wpisrc=nl_wemost
The Title: Former Stanford dean explains why helicopter parenting is ruining a generation of children
Pedaling Fool
10-19-2015, 08:22
Bon Bon. Thanks for sharing your story and follow up. My daughter is almost 11 and I am considering a 6 week hike next year (AZ trail or AT section). I had a hard time leaving her for a week last year to hike the 100 mile wilderness. At the trail head she cried and begged me not to leave. It was heart wrenching. This year it was much easier to take the time to hike. As she approaches the teen years I feel myself reconnecting with my dream of doing long hikes.
Sent from my iPhone using TapatalkI remember crying when my mom left me in the car with my aunt while she went into the store. I don't believe it's that kids are crying because they'll miss their parents, so much as learning to accept change. I think it's a good thing, in the long run, to be separated for a bit.
Heliotrope
10-19-2015, 10:03
I remember crying when my mom left me in the car with my aunt while she went into the store. I don't believe it's that kids are crying because they'll miss their parents, so much as learning to accept change. I think it's a good thing, in the long run, to be separated for a bit.
Agreed.
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capehiker
10-19-2015, 12:17
Congrats on your summit and I'm happy to hear that everything worked out well. Your time on the trail will continue to reap positive results.
As someone who works in the emergency healthcare field, I have seen an increasing amount of suicidal thoughts among 16-19 year olds due to helicopter parenting. The kids are simply not equipped to handle free thought and daily tasks. Your daughter gaining independence will have a positive impact in her coming years.
Odd Man Out
10-19-2015, 13:21
Congrats for all involved, on the trail and on the home front.
...Having her be involved with the hike from home will be educational and may in a way bring you closer together. And maybe she will learn how to do her own laundry and cook supper for her dad/self....
I get plenty of things wrong, but glad this time my prognostications were spot on.