View Full Version : Hiking the AT with your significant other
hey guys, I'm new here, and was looking for some input on my current situation...
I'm planning on a thru hike (2017) with my girlfriend(2 yrs. and counting). we both have extremely different perceptions of reality, and how we live life on a daily basis..
she is a full time student, who works a part time job just to make some extra spending money for her countless adventures she goes on. the vast majority of her "real" life is prepaid by mom and dad, which equals to a mindset that is quite difficult for me to relate with.
myself on the other hand, I'm an extremely stable guy.. I have had a full time job since I turned 18, and have subsequently, not traveled/adventured a whole lot because of it. full time job means full time bills as you all know, so I'm really not having an easy time deciding what the best way to go about quitting a great paying job, doing what I love, for 6 months to hike the AT, without the comfort of knowing I'll have a job when the time comes after the trail...
has anyone encountered the same type of situation as me, and are there any bits and pieces of advice/tips anyone has to offer me at this time?? its just hard for the two of us to understand one another with regards to both our financial situations.
Walkintom
04-25-2015, 11:39
Your situation reminds me a lot of my wife and I when we first met. The similarities outweighed the differences in our case, though. But there was a lot of learning and giving involved to get there and it meant mental and emotional flexibility on both our parts.
You are going to put some serious stress on this relationship if you try to do the AT together.
If your job and commitments are so important, hiking may not be the best use of your time. I mean, you *could* be working instead. And it sounds like maybe you'd rather be doing that.
If you say that isn't so, it's time to re-examine your values and re-prioritize your life according to what's important to you.
I dunno man, in a weird way it sounds like your girlfriend is more prepared in many ways to hike the trail then you are. Job flexibility (easier to leave her job), financials (extra money), already of the adventurous mindset, etc.
It depends on how bad you want to do it. I've heard of many people reaching agreements with their employers to take 6 months off. It depends on who you work for and what your relationship is with them. If you're a **** employee the odds of that working out aren't so good. Of course the temperament of your boss is something outside of your control.
Quitting a great paying job, "doing what you love", you may not love the AT as much as your job. And you may come to this realization on day 2 of the AT, after planning it all out, saving/spending the money you needed to, and leaving that awesome job. That would be crappy. You're a lucky guy to have found a job that you enjoy so much, maybe it's not worth it. Not everyone loves hiking enough to leave that. I do, but that's why I made sure to do it before I joined the Army.
It sounds like you and your girlfriend are very different people. There's nothing wrong with that, but those differences get amplified and become a larger factor going from real life to a sparser way of living like long distance backpacking. Then again, that's the same going from two people just dating each other to moving in together. I can't say for certain but I got the vibe from your post that you two live together. If not, you may be in for some unpleasant surprises when you all of a sudden spend every waking minute for 6 months with her. I'm not a relationship counselor, just my two cents.
I have not been exactly in your shoes, but I've for the most part worked full time since I was 18, and part time/summers since I was 14, left a great job to do the AT, and came out OK on the other side. These were just my thoughts.
Your situation reminds me a lot of my wife and I when we first met. The similarities outweighed the differences in our case, though. But there was a lot of learning and giving involved to get there and it meant mental and emotional flexibility on both our parts.
You are going to put some serious stress on this relationship if you try to do the AT together.
If your job and commitments are so important, hiking may not be the best use of your time. I mean, you *could* be working instead. And it sounds like maybe you'd rather be doing that.
If you say that isn't so, it's time to re-examine your values and re-prioritize your life according to what's important to you.
^Yeah, this.^ It sounds like you're asking us to answer questions that intrinsically can only be answered by you. We don't know how much you love your job, we don't know how much you love hiking. We don't know what your relationship is like. Maybe go on a week long trip with her and see.
Slo-go'en
04-25-2015, 12:10
So, I take it doing a thru hike is her idea and not yours? If so and given your doubts, I'd say just let her go. You could supply support and there's a good chance she'll be back home in a month or so anyway. That's often the way this goes.
So, I take it doing a thru hike is her idea and not yours? If so and given your doubts, I'd say just let her go. You could supply support and there's a good chance she'll be back home in a month or so anyway. That's often the way this goes.
Aww, slo....30632
Well yes, originally it was her idea. But I'm not completely new to the idea, my Aunt completed a thru hike a while back, and it had always been something I'd thought about (not often enough to actually plan for it though). And I think maybe I lead on about my job a bit too much, it isn't like the greatest job of all time and I would likely be able to find a replacement, it's just the thought of not having the stability that I'm used to, and dealing with the two different ways of thinking I was more interested in finding some insight about.
we both shoot for the stars with our aspirations, which is why I don't think actually hiking long distances would
be the issue. I'm just trying to see if anyone has my same situation and could lend some advice on how you dealt with the situations.
bigcranky
04-25-2015, 20:51
Many years ago before Whiteblaze we had an email listserve for folks who liked the AT. Almost twenty years ago a couple, Jim and Ginny Owen, who had done many thru-hikes together, wrote something called The Thru-Hiking Papers (http://www.spiriteaglehome.com/THP_top.html), sort of a FAQ for aspiring thru-hikers.
That's the background to my suggestion that you might find something of value in there. It's not a how-to, there's not much talk about gear -- it's more philosophical in nature. There is some specific information about hiking together with an S.O. that might apply here. But I wonder if it might get you thinking about the hike in some different ways.
Anyway, I can't answer your question - no one can, of course. But good luck figuring out everything.
Slo-go'en
04-25-2015, 21:07
My suggestion is to go on a moderately long hike together, say for a couple of weeks, and see how that works out before committing to a 5-6 month long trek.
I could give advice, but it is advice based on what I would do. You need to look long and hard at what will energize you and allow you to feel good about where you are, and where you are going in your life.
Google the poem by Nadine Stair "If I had my life to live over..."
Some couples do just fine, others divorce as soon as they get off the trail.
I don't know how to predict what will happen...
GoldenBear
04-26-2015, 00:23
But the fact is that my wife and I have COMPLETELY different attitudes towards backpacking.
Getting outdoors and on the trail is my #1 passion (after my wife, of course).
By her own admission, my wife wouldn't last a mile in the back country. The only time we went backpacking together -- we're talking ONE NIGHT -- the experience was so miserable for her that I'm surprised she didn't call a divorce attorney when it was over.
So we came up with a simple solution to our differences: I go backpacking and she doesn't. It's worked out beautifully this way; indeed, having her as someone to end a hike with has been QUITE a joy over the years.
It seems you two have a similar level of difference. Rather than one or the other of you trying to mold the other into someone s/he simply isn't, may I suggest you instead celebrate your differences, and share the things that give you joy, either individually or together? My wife loves to hear about my week on the Trail; I love to hear about the things she does that I have no interest in doing; and we also love to do a lot of things together. Sorting out which activity belongs in which category takes time and effort, but it CAN be done.
I'm going to presume you have SOME interest in backpacking, just not enough to risk a steady job by doing this for six months. May I suggest you find out how much the two of you enjoy doing this together for a "safe" length of time -- say, your week of vacation? You may find (1) you hate it, (2) you both hate it, (3) she finds the lone wolf aspect is her main joy (this is one of MY main reasons I like it) and would rather do this alone, or even (4) you love it so much that you'd gladly sacrifice your job to do the entire Trail. Nobody can say what will happen; but this little test will at least give a LOT better focus on what's important to you both.
I think two people can work out differences like this *IF* they put priority on their relationship, but it can take a lot of negotiation.
But it's like Schroendinger's Cat -- you don't know the outcome at this point, so the best thing to do is just to open the box.
DISCLAIMER: You two may find out that your differences on this issue just can't be resolved. Of course it sucks to find out that someone, whom you really care for, has a desire for something that doesn't fit into your life plans. But it happens. So you simply feel like donkey dung and move on from there. But if this is the case, it's better to find out BEFORE you give up your job.
garlic08
04-26-2015, 07:56
My first thru hike was the PCT with my wife, who had hiked the AT solo a couple of years before. I didn't catch the long distance hiking bug until I saw the good things that happened to her on the AT. There's nothing wrong with one half of a couple supporting the other on a hike. I wasn't ready for it and I knew it. She's always been more the adventurer. We laugh when people ask me how I manage to drag my wife on trips.
Hiking a long trail together ended up strengthening our 20+ year (at the time) marriage, but at times it was like going through an annealing furnace--it wasn't easy. I was jealous of one couple we saw who were having an easier time of it. But another couple we hiked with got divorced afterwards. So from what I saw, it can go either way. How can you generalize when two unique personalities are involved?
Someone said a day on the trail is like a week in real life when you're hiking with someone. You see what a person is really made of.
Old Hiker
04-26-2015, 10:38
Pretty much what GoldenBear said above. However, if you couldn't face the "stress" of hiking a trail, how will you face the stress of real life together?
I hike - she doesn't. I make sure everything is taken care of BEFORE I go: bills, friends to help with problems, etc. After 40 years of marriage, it seems to work so far. I'll let you know in another 40.
As to what jdc5294 said about her being "more prepared" for something like that, just from what YOU said, it seems she has everything handed to her and she can do whatever she wants without having to work for it. Not judging - just observing from one post. Full time student can be exhausting, depending on the major.
Don't jump on me, please - I'm just taking what I see at face value.
Good luck. Hope it works out.
Walkintom
04-26-2015, 11:02
Well yes, originally it was her idea. But I'm not completely new to the idea, my Aunt completed a thru hike a while back, and it had always been something I'd thought about (not often enough to actually plan for it though). And I think maybe I lead on about my job a bit too much, it isn't like the greatest job of all time and I would likely be able to find a replacement, it's just the thought of not having the stability that I'm used to, and dealing with the two different ways of thinking I was more interested in finding some insight about.
we both shoot for the stars with our aspirations, which is why I don't think actually hiking long distances would
be the issue. I'm just trying to see if anyone has my same situation and could lend some advice on how you dealt with the situations.
I used to work for the man. 70+ hours every week. Leaving home at 4AM, getting home after 8 at night. Lots of awards and recognition and the finnancial reimbursement was not to be sneezed at.
Quit, hiked the AT for as long as we could for our situation (1400 miles of it, so far), moved from FL to WI and opened a shop. Financially tough on us, but it's what we decided we wanted to do with our lives and it's very rewarding.
I haven't drawn a paycheck since January of 2013. But we may break even this year and hope to turn a profit next year. And it's worth it.
4eyedbuzzard
04-26-2015, 12:51
2017 is a long way off. Take a two week hike together and figure out if you want to do another dozen two week hikes back to back. Jobs and relationships are both double edged swords. And then there are "jobs" vs. "careers" and "girlfriend" vs. "spouse" differences. Generally the good ones require a lot of commitment - and also sacrifice. Striking a balance that will make you happy is difficult. That balance will also change as you go along. Choose wisely. You will make some mistakes as you go. Everybody does. Good luck.
I have never attempted a thru hike so take what I write with a grain of salt. However, I have done several multi-week hikes by myself and a couple with my wife. Without a doubt it is easier to hike by yourself. You will constantly be making decisions on how far to go, when to take breaks, how fast to hike, where to camp, where to resupply, etc. Guess what, it is very unlikely two people will agree on the same decisions. At least that is my case when I hike with my wife.
bigcranky
04-26-2015, 16:23
That's interesting, because I find it much easier to hike with my wife than without her. I do enjoy her company, we have a similar hiking style, and if she's with me than I'm not worried about how things are going back home. (I think that last one is more important than many people realize, especially on a very long hike.)
MuddyWaters
04-26-2015, 18:18
double post
MuddyWaters
04-26-2015, 18:19
2017 IS a long ways away.
If you have been together 2 years, at your age, then by then she should be your wife, engaged, or you both should be dating other people, cause you are wasting each others time and the pool of potential spouses is dwindling fast.
So, it would seem to me you will have bigger things to worry about than thru hiking with her. Either way.
Just a total strangers observation.
illabelle
04-27-2015, 06:43
I have never attempted a thru hike so take what I write with a grain of salt. However, I have done several multi-week hikes by myself and a couple with my wife. Without a doubt it is easier to hike by yourself. You will constantly be making decisions on how far to go, when to take breaks, how fast to hike, where to camp, where to resupply, etc. Guess what, it is very unlikely two people will agree on the same decisions. At least that is my case when I hike with my wife.
Our trips are usually just weekends with an occasional week-long section, so decisions about how far to go and where to camp are usually made (by me) before we leave the house. But on the trail, decisions about when and where to take a break, how often to stop for water, how fast to go, etc are a source of conflict. What he wants and what I want are rarely the same. In that respect hiking by myself would be easier. But in other respects it would be harder. We are able to share tent, stove, filter, camera. We are able to reach one another's water bottles without removing packs. We never get lonely. :)
Lots of good perspectives and advice on here. A big part of these decisions is faith and getting to know yourself
Regarding your GF, have you discussed potential life after marriage? Will she be ok not having the money and support she has today if mom and dad stop the money flow? What if she has to work full time? She may not be mature enough to understand yet.
Regarding your situation, you already know you are somewhat risk adverse. So go with how you are designed. Get some gear and do a few days or week hikes with her. Take it slow. If you really dig it, then keep going and lead up to quitting your job next spring. It's definitely good for both you and your relationship to give outside of your comfort zone. Remember, love is a verb, not a feeling.
Regarding the future, you sound confident in your abilities. I've seen many people who get laid off end up with a much better job and situation. They just needed a push.maybe that is you,,,just need a push to get out of your comfort zone? We don't know the future. That is where faith and relationship with God comes in. If you have not already met and have a personal relationship with the Creator, I'll suggest that you read through the book of John and Luke then reflect on what you read. Come back and ask any questions.
P.s. I should have something about me. I've been married for 25years and going stronger than ever. I'm a little more adventurous but my wife is not. She does not like hiking and camping. She doesn't like riding my motorcycle with me. I did get her in jet skis though.
She likes to go dancing...me not so much.
It's ok not to share everything. We respect our differences and highly value our similarities.
The relationship between two people can flex depending on the situation.
For example: many couples can not work together. Some work together on a daily basis without any problems.
Thanks very much guys for answering some of my questions. I have talked to her and we're going to plan a week long hike coming up in the next few months, maybe somewhere up in Georgia. Once yall touched on the stepping out of your comfort zone thing, it reminded me that I'm where I am today, just by doing that. Many thanks for helping out!
billnchristy
05-20-2015, 08:41
Good thinking! We just started hiking as a family and things have been going very well. We have learned our strengths and weaknesses and we will switch positions on the trail based on that. I am fast uphill and zoom by the girls, they quickly overtake me going down. Our daughter and I like to eat so we generally decide when to break and Christy either eats or doesn't but enjoys the rest. We have only done one overnight but we are working our way up. Our daughter is 12 so we have quite a few years before we can just up and do a thru hike, but we will section and day hike as much as we can until then!
By the time you get up here we will have a good bit of the AT in GA covered so look us up if you want any thoughts.