Worried Husbands

[Pennsylvania Rose]

I'm wondering if any of you have the same problem I do...

My husband likes fishing and car camping, but hates hiking (even a day hike) and it would be a cold day you-know-where before he put on a backpack. I'm fine with him not wanting to go backpacking with me, but he worries so much when I go that I end up worrying about his worrying.

I've been backpacking since I hiked a chunk of the AT alone when I was 18. My first husband was a backpacker, so he was my hiking partner and I never had to deal with any worrying. We took our son on his first trip when he was six weeks old. Our daughter had to wait until she was six months (she was a November baby).

Now my kids are teenagers, more kids (his and ours) have been added, and after a couple of years of yahooing it, I started hitting the trail again this spring with the oldest two. My husband wasn't blindsided by my love (obsession?) with backpacking and the AT in particular - we were friends for years before we got together - but he sure doesn't get it.

Any ideas about how to calm his mind..and mine as a result?

[Mouse]

I told my significant other what the risks were and what I was doing to try to avoid them. That included keeping weight down, proper clothing, being conscious of hypothermia, and going south to north so that I would be around more people: satety in numbers.

I also brought a pocketmail email device and a phone card to send her regular emails and phone calls, always letting her know where I next expected to find a phone and when so that she would not worry, wondering when she would hear from me next.

[light_heart]

First I guess I'd try and find out exactly what he's worried about. That way you don't create more worries in the process of trying to make him feel better, by bringing up stuff that hadn't occurred to him.

After that, sure, tell him your plan for dealing with those specifics... but also, keep hiking and coming back safe. Every time you do it, the reality gets stronger and the imagined worries get weaker.

[tiamalle]

I'm wondering if any of you have the same problem I do...

My husband likes fishing and car camping, but hates hiking (even a day hike) and it would be a cold day you-know-where before he put on a backpack. I'm fine with him not wanting to go backpacking with me, but he worries so much when I go that I end up worrying about his worrying.

I've been backpacking since I hiked a chunk of the AT alone when I was 18. My first husband was a backpacker, so he was my hiking partner and I never had to deal with any worrying. We took our son on his first trip when he was six weeks old. Our daughter had to wait until she was six months (she was a November baby).

Now my kids are teenagers, more kids (his and ours) have been added, and after a couple of years of yahooing it, I started hitting the trail again this spring with the oldest two. My husband wasn't blindsided by my love (obsession?) with backpacking and the AT in particular - we were friends for years before we got together - but he sure doesn't get it.

Any ideas about how to calm his mind..and mine as a result?Rosie
we shuttle and provide lodging for female hikers quite often.believe it or
not at least 9 out of 10 females have the same question.As a man I have a beautiful wife I have been married to for 20 years.I worry about her well
being constantly but try to hide it.I think it's the love I have for her.That's
nature.If your Hubbie has that for you and you love him the same,Respect it.A lot of women wish they had it but don't.Call him daily,introduce him to your friends,let him know you care.bake him some biscuits,that works down south.Who knows,Maybe that will work in PA.and if it don't I can't help you.But if you are in Franklin,NC I can show you how to make the bisquits.
My wife is from Los Angeles,California.When we go out there we eat tortillas
it works just as good.God bless you both,;) ;) ;) Ron Haven

[gsingjane]

I deal with this all the time, too. I find there are two parts to the issue: first, my husband is concerned about various dangers or problems that may come up on the trail. Second (and sometimes this gets disguised as the first factor) he just doesn't want me to leave. If you have been together a long time, probably he just doesn't sleep well or feel things are "right" when you are gone.

On the first part, once my husband saw how well I prepared and planned, his concerns were somewhat mollified. I always go over my trip plan with him, call him as soon as we're done, and... most important... come back when I say I will. I also hike with two of our kids, so he does have that confidence that at least this is something of a family thing, rather than just me taking off and doing what I want without him. But it has helped greatly that he can see that I have tried to anticipate any potential problems and planned for them accordingly. I show him all the emergency gear and talk about all my contingency plans... it also helps me think some of these things through as well.

On the second point, I try to mostly go overnight during the week, when he works and usually doesn't get home until really late anyway (we have an unusual situation in that he leaves from home at 5:30 a.m. and returns home at 9:15 p.m. on a normal day). In other words, I have tried to be sensitive to the fact that he wants me here on the weekends, when he's going to be here. I also plan a "date" just for uss within a few days of either leaving or coming back, just so we get some couple time.

I have also tried to put myself in his shoes in terms of how I would feel if he went away overnight for extended periods of time. Not too good! So I figure he is acting about as well about the whole thing as I can reasonably expect.

Jane in CT

[Mouse]

You might also note something that those I met thruhiking agreed on. :clap :clap :clap :clap :clap
The real heroes, the ones with the hardest job, are the spouses :sun left back at home!

[ZEKE #2]

Thank you so much for bringng this up. I backpacked lots in my younger years. This my second marriage and when I met my sweetie I was in the midst of being a single parent struggling to get by. I had forgotten my love of being in the woods. We camped as a family, and I had commented how in my youth I had shunned those who camp in RVs. I shared my love of the woods with my stepchildren, but never thought of getting them involved in backpacking. Then the 40ish years hit, and in a soul searching adventure I'd remembered how I loved to backpack. I have to admit, when I introduced the idea to my family they shook their heads in dismay. In fact, my youngest son told me that his father would "never" let me go.

The first year I went hiking for 3 days in the Porkupine Mountains with a friend. Wasn't a good match, but she let me find out that I still had it in me, and my sweetie didn't have to worry about me out there all alone. The next year I ventured out in the Porkies by myself for 3 days/2 nights. It was the most empowering experience I have ever had. I didn't get lost, I chose the right campsite below a ridge before a huge storm hit and missed the wind damage because of the location I had chosen. I enjoyed the solitude of the forest and met only kind people.

This year I pumped up the miles and did 4 days and nights with 15 miles per day. I did share a campsite the last night with a couple of hikers that didn't practice the art of hanging garbage on a bear pole. Instead, they hung it in a tree about 10 feet from my tent. It's the fall season and the black bear are only thinking of putting fat on. I was awoke by the sound of a 200-225 black bear thrashing through the woods and was'nt too comfortable hearing the jaws of the bear so close to my tent. In fact it was so close I could smell that they had "chicken something" for supper. I whistled and clapped my hands and hollered trying to get it to leave. After it finished, it toured the campsite looking for more and for some reason threw my pack onto the shores of Lake Superior and pulled all of my equipment out of the pack. Damaged the hip strap a bit, but he didn't find anything good to eat.

To make a long story short, when I arrived back home and told the family, my husband reacted in anger. I know that he thought of all of the bad things that could have happened. He tends to process things slowly and is now proud that I handled the situation in a way that turned out positively.

I want to hike the AT beginning 4/1/2008. My children are beginning to understand the craziness inside me and are beginning to accept that I am going. My husband has not totally accepted the idea, but time is on my side. I need his support more than anything to be sucessfull. He has always bragged about my adventures and I know he will be proud.

I hope that my children can plan vacations near the trail. I know my sweetie will join me as much as he can. I will carry a cell phone and call everyday if I can. There is no cell service in the Porkies, so he has accepted that there are times when I won't be able to contac him.

I just talk alot, and keep on talking. I get the family involved when I can. I even took my grandchildren on a overnight backpacking trip. They are getting a little box of hiking equipment for Christmas. I just keep it alive and cherish each moment I can see the twinkle of understanding and enjoyment in their eyes.

"I will persist....without exception" A. Andrews

By the way, this summer I tackle the North Country Trail.

See you on the trail!

[Pennsylvania Rose]

Thanks for all of your advice. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. I think I'm doing everything "right". I'll just have to give him more time to adjust and be thankful that I have a guy who cares about me so much that he supports the crazy things I do, even though they cause him to worry.

Tiamalle, I make mean biscuits...cornbread too. I got my Trail name years ago (grew up in PA), but have lived in KY for almost 15 yrs. I fell in love with the southern Appalachians on the AT, and found out I'm a Southern hillbilly at heart. Is it time for a new Trail name?

[tiamalle]

Thanks for all of your advice. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. I think I'm doing everything "right". I'll just have to give him more time to adjust and be thankful that I have a guy who cares about me so much that he supports the crazy things I do, even though they cause him to worry.

Tiamalle, I make mean biscuits...cornbread too. I got my Trail name years ago (grew up in PA), but have lived in KY for almost 15 yrs. I fell in love with the southern Appalachians on the AT, and found out I'm a Southern hillbilly at heart. Is it time for a new Trail name?Good Girl:D you can
tell your hubbie I'm even proud of you.

[Skidsteer]

Thanks for all of your advice. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. I think I'm doing everything "right". I'll just have to give him more time to adjust and be thankful that I have a guy who cares about me so much that he supports the crazy things I do, even though they cause him to worry.

I think you're on the right track here. Most men I know( the dependable, stand-up sort, anyway ) tend to process pure information or data wicked fast but these same men may take days, weeks, months, even years to process emotions. Give it some time; We(men) are emotionally modest creatures for the most part. Good luck!

[lilmountaingirl]

Well, I don't have a hubby but I do have a mother. ;) This has been a long time dream of mine and while she's always supported me, she's been hesitant and worried too. When I finally made the decision to do it in 2006, I bombarded her with information. Books on the trail, websites (such as this), trail journals, et cetera. That helped IMMENSELY. She is definitely not as worried as she was ~ as a matter of fact, she's extremely excited and proud. She even said "this is the year for you to do it" which blew me away. :)

Anyway ~ I educated her and gave her the resources to find information and see how tightly nit the BPg community can be. I've always been honest about the potential dangers of being on the trail, and told her how I would handle them. She's taken to buying books and maps for herself ~ so she can "hike" with me. :)

[Marta]

Funny you should bring up the mother issue. My husband is fine with my plans to attempt a thru-hike this year; my mother is freaked out. I think her main problem is that she absolutely, completely, sincerely does not understand why anyone, let alone her daughter, would want to do this. Needless to say, she is not a hiker herself and knows nothing about the act of walking long distances, camping, being in the woods, the kind of people you run into, etc. So she populates her imagination with scary images, especially s*** she has seen on TV or read in the newspapers. We have had many discussions about what's real vs. what she imagines, to try to defuse her fears with facts. But she doesn't really take in rational arguments because the total lack of comprehension of the WHY sets up a wall that facts will never penetrate.

With my husband, he does not share my interest in thru-hiking, though he enjoys dayhiking well enough, and will occasionally go with me on an overnighter. There are two things he has to deal with as the non-hiking spouse: 1) doing things I normally take care of and 2) dealing with not knowing exactly where I am and not being able to contact me at a moment's notice.

For #1, he is learning to do some of it and other stuff is either farmed out (I may give my very large goldfish and fish tanks to my parents for the duration of my thru-hike, since my mother loves to take care of fish--an interest we share; the houseplants will probably be thrown away, since they'll die anyway), or he is being trained in responsibilities he is willing to pick up.

For #2, we have been together for a long time now (since we were 18) and have had several times when we were separated by his work for weeks or even months at a stretch. We're practiced at dealing with this.

Which brings me to a pet peeve: IMO it is not okay for the homebound spouse to make the traveling spouse miserable by demanding constant communication. It's selfish and inconsiderate and can come very close to ruining the trip for the traveler--which is probably the homebound spouse's intention, conscious or not. When DH is overseas on business I do not expect or demand that he call every day, which is very expensive and a burden for him to constantly be searching for a phone and an opportunity to call. When I'm hiking, he does not expect me to constantly be searching for a way to call him. (This is something I have had to train myself to do; it can be learned by both spouses.)

OTOH, we make ironclad plans and follow through, or else. If I say I'll be home Sunday night by 8, I know that he will be calling the police by 9 if he does not hear from me because he knows something terrible has happened. So far I've done 30+ AT section hikes and many other hikes with our kids and by myself, and he is pretty relaxed about it. We both know that driving to and from the trailhead is by far the most dangerous part of the trip!

[Red Hat]

Yes, others have the same problem, both male and female... My husband not only worried about me, he basically couldn't survive without me. In six weeks he ate himself into type II diabetes. (well, he was on the verge before, but I kept sneaking vegetables into his diet) Everyone from home emailed me about how much he missed me and how he just wandered around in a daze. I called every opportunity, but that was just worse. I do in some ways resent that I had to go home, but it was my decision. Section hikes it is for me now....

[Mouse]

Some find keeping an online journal at Trailjournals.com or elsewhere helps those at home feel more connected with the journey.

[Smile]

I have to agree with Mouse, the trailjournals site is great way to keep in touch, and for those you know to keep an eye on where you are and what you are doing!
I made up little business cards with my photo, my trailname and a short sentence about my raw hike, along with the URL to my trailjournal and sent it out with the Christmas cards, have gotten lots of comments from family and friends, they like to feel 'involved'.
My husband has hiked five states with me, and understands the whole AT scenario so that makes it easier.

[Hana_Hanger]

Phone calls of course help...but where I walk/hike they are not to many available phones, and cell phones do not work out there....soooo
I leave hidden messages through out the house for him to find.

Last time I was gone for only two weeks, and from time to time others would call him and say...I saw her yesterday she was fine.
Of course we live on a small island and people tend to know everyone :P

He still worried...yes mostly because I was by myself and also because I am NOT in the best of health by any means. He was very supportive and even went out and got me a pepper spray, tear gas combo spray and new waterproof flashlight and head gear :)

The little notes of " Miss You" "I Love You!" here and there, in his lunch box, ditty bag, under his pillow, car, just everywhere helped him.
Sounds to mushy?? But it worked for me :) and he plans on going with me on my next 3 day hike!

[Almost There]

Be aware of your spouse and his/her needs...as well as yours. For the longest time I wanted to attempt a thru hike, and perhaps one day when I am much older the urge might strike me again, but while hiking out near Mt. Rodgers for Tgiving I realized that I would miss my wife too much, and I know she would miss me if I were to leave for 5-6 months. This means that the only way I probably could do this would be with her together, as she is just getting into the idea of LD hiking. The pictures from my trips and my stories have sunk their hooks into her. Anyways, my choice I got married and I won't jeopardize that for a 5-6 month hike. I love my wife to death and I know she would deal with my hiking the trail, she would be miserable, but she would do it, and I can't let myself be the source of her misery, therefore I simpy won't go away at this poin tin our lives. Just be sure that you are aware of how the other person is really doing. You're out there having the time of your life and they're missing you, they may be putting on a brave face...but just make sure you really are in touch with how they're feelign about everything. Personally I tend to handle separation better than my wife, but home isn't quite right when she is away. Just remember when there's a significant other that you have you are your ownself, but there is also the entity known as the couple.

Good Luck with everything, he'll be all right, if he loves you, then he'll make do in order to give you what you want.

[sarbar]

I am defintely in the minority - I have a hiking SO - and one who doesn't mind that I go without him - or that many of my partners are men. From what I have learned is to share-I always leave him full details of where I will be, When I did the Wonderland Trail I called him halfway and checked in. He has all of my partners cell phone #'s. He meets all the guys in person-and if he doesn't like a guy, I listen to him on that. Usually he is right about guys with ulterior motives....We have a big hiking group here that I cofounded-so we are now a big family in many ways :)
But most of all-don't ignore your dreams-let your family know you love them, and get out there! I started hiking when my son was very young-and he has gone with me most of the time since he was a baby. I can't imagine it any other way now. As my boyfriend puts it....I need the outdoors more than him and he doesn't like groups. We get out together also-but they are different trips-he isn't a fan of long alpine death marches ;)

[HeartFire]

My husbands biggest worry about my upcomming Thru hike is that I will come home 'changed' and not want him any more! so as someone else said, find out just what his fears are about your hiking and address those!

[Hammock Hanger]

My husbands biggest worry about my upcomming Thru hike is that I will come home 'changed' and not want him any more! so as someone else said, find out just what his fears are about your hiking and address those!

If you come home all chaffed, the question is will he want you anymore. :jump

It is always hard on those left at home be they spouses, parents or friends. Trail Journals is great. Call the spouses often and say I love you.

[soulrebel]

My wife's father is pretty nervous about the whole endeavor, so this last weekend while we were visiting them, he took us down to the gun shop.
We checked out all the nice pieces, but all the semi-autos were too heavy and we already own one.

However they did have these mini .22 revolver w/ belt clip. Like old west derringer pistols except some were 4 or 5 shot. These things were awesome, I want one! About 6-8oz in weight and only a $130.00. But we resisted and know that there really isn't a need to carry a gun on the trail, but I still want one for shopping at the mall, and sundays at the park...j/k

GL

almost forgot--we watched TREK that night and it really helped quell his suspicions about people we might encounter on the trail, and it showed more importantly, that people often gathered in GROUPs of 3-10.

[Smile]

TREK - a great choice for watching with friends and/or family - a lighthearted intro to the trail for those who just don't 'get it'. A terrific group of guys as well!

So many of you TH ladies seem like things are really moving along, planning going well, purchases being made (self-Christmas gifts ar SO FUN!) it's good to hear that most are eager and in wonderful spirits this winter prior to their Thru's.....

When is everybody heading out? I have put a poll under the Class of 2006, but it doesn' list names.....anybody set in their dates yet?
My husband wants to join me on top of springer - first night, do photos etc....he really wants to TH with me, but his schedule does not allow.

I'll miss him, but I am eager to get started!

[Crazy Janey]

It's interesting to read about women who hike without their husbands, and the fact that there are some here who are thru-hikers is even more interesting. My husband of 5 years enjoys hiking, but he won't go for more than 2 days, and really, really hates that I want to go alone. He thinks it's too dangerous for me and doesn't understand my need to go. I've tried to respect him so far by not going on weekenders alone, but it's a conversation that is going to have to be had this spring. I've told him that I plan to start my thru-hike in early 2007, but I don't think he has taken me seriously yet. It's going to be a difficult conversation, especially since as of right now, I don't have a hiking partner.
:confused:

[Hammock Hanger]

It's interesting to read about women who hike without their husbands, and the fact that there are some here who are thru-hikers is even more interesting. My husband of 5 years enjoys hiking, but he won't go for more than 2 days, and really, really hates that I want to go alone. He thinks it's too dangerous for me and doesn't understand my need to go. I've tried to respect him so far by not going on weekenders alone, but it's a conversation that is going to have to be had this spring. I've told him that I plan to start my thru-hike in early 2007, but I don't think he has taken me seriously yet. It's going to be a difficult conversation, especially since as of right now, I don't have a hiking partner.
:confused:

My husband had some concerns when I headed out for my thru-hike in 2001. Luckily he had hiked with me on numerous occasions for a week to 10 days in the GA-NC area. Therefore he knew I would not be 100% alone and should I need help there would be others out there to do that.

It was also good that we had the "hikers share motel rooms to cut down expenses" talk. This way it was not a suprise to him the first time I shared a room with a man and I was comfortable knowing he was cool with it. (We've been together for 25 years and dirty as I was on the trail an affair never entered my mind.) There were plenty of guys that I shared a room with that had to ask me NOT to answer the phone, glad I didn't have to go that route. Better to be up front in the begining.

[Lilred]

It was also good that we had the "hikers share motel rooms to cut down expenses" talk. This way it was not a suprise to him the first time I shared a room with a man and I was comfortable knowing he was cool with it.


My husband and I had the same talk and it hasn't been a problem for him. He's either not the jealous type or he doesn't care......:-? Seriously, I've gone on sections with other guys and he is nothing but supportive. He's not a hiker himself, and he worries, but he knows better than to tell me I can't do something.

Janey, make sure you let your husband read this forum and journals from trailjournals.com. Reading what others go through may help ease his mind.

[Twofiddy]

Good luck,

Some of the crap that I have seen some women do on the AT, no wonder there husbands are worried...