View Full Version : How Often Are You In Contact?
Yankeegirl22
05-06-2016, 22:06
My 18 yo son will be doing a thru hike shortly.
I'd like to hear from him daily but he feels otherwise. How often are you in touch with family and do you let family/friends know where you are and your itinerary.
Let me be honest - I'm a nervous wreck over this but want to support his dream to do the hike. he was hoping to go with a friend but more likely he will be solo.
Thanks for you help/insights!
Daily??? Wow... (smile) I am guessing this is your oldest child....
While I would have LOVED to hear from my two oldest kids when they went away, I was grateful if I heard from them once a week. Seriously, once a month was the minimum I required (realize I am not paying for their college. I guess, if you are Paying For The Hike, you might have other expectations).
When I am on the trail, my family knows that they will hear from me ONCE A WEEK (although I try for every 3 days...).
Your son WILL NOT BE ABLE to contact you daily..... even if he wanted to... due to cell service, etc. I think you should be happy with a one a week contact! (However, please be flexible and not demand it be on the same day as it might not work depending on where he is at with his hiking!)
CamelMan
05-06-2016, 22:26
When you ask him if he's ready for his "big wilderness adventure", make sure to pronounce the quotation marks. ;) Speaking for myself, and my measly 164 mile section hike, it's more like a trip to a state or national park. Lots of other people and very easy to bail. An AT hike is probably a great idea for an 18 year old who's ready to leave with the Wild Man, so to speak.
(Cell phone service won't be everywhere, either.)
imscotty
05-06-2016, 22:47
YankeeGirl, it is hard to let them go, isn't it. But seeking freedom and independence is part of growing up. Please know that he will not be alone on the trail. I suspect he will meet plenty of fine folk along the way. Hikers for the most part are good people who watch out for each other.
I'd suggest that once a week would be a reasonable expectation for communication. I would ask him to always update where he is, and where his next call/resupply will be from so that you can narrow down his whereabouts in case you need to find him in an emergency. If he is a few days late with a call, don't fret. It is probably because he is having fun/ no reception/ battery dead/ or any number of other reasons.
If you want him to succeed in his endeavor, try not to make him too homesick when he calls. Give him your love and support and let him know you are there if he needs you. And perhaps you can use this time as an opportunity to have your own adventure and growing experience?
Wish you and your son the best. Give us an update someday and let us know how it turns out.
When I'm out section hiking I try to contact my wife daily, but we both know that's not always possible. Even on a day hike (like today) I'll call or text once I'm back to the car.
YankeeGirl, it is hard to let them go, isn't it. But seeking freedom and independence is part of growing up. Please know that he will not be alone on the trail. I suspect he will meet plenty of fine folk along the way. Hikers for the most part are good people who watch out for each other.
I'd suggest that once a week would be a reasonable expectation for communication. I would ask him to always update where he is, and where his next call/resupply will be from so that you can narrow down his whereabouts in case you need to find him in an emergency. If he is a few days late with a call, don't fret. It is probably because he is having fun/ no reception/ battery dead/ or any number of other reasons.
If you want him to succeed in his end ever, try not to make him too homesick when he calls. Give him your love and support and let him know you are there if he needs you. And perhaps you can use this time as an opportunity to have your own adventure and growing experience?
Wish you and your son the best. Give us an update someday and let us know how it turns out.
This is a very kind and wise response!
SkeeterPee
05-06-2016, 23:13
I only section hike so I generally do not place a call except maybe the night before starting to say I reached the hotel or on the way home. otherwise I do send a page to say where I stopped each night. I figure that is a good safety idea to leave a location for my wife. However it was my kids I would not ask they contact me so often.
I contact my psychiatrist and investment banker about every day. Parole Officer once a wk. He knows where I'm at with my ankle bracelet though. GF I contact about every 10 days. I make it a point to talk to my beloved black lab every other town stop. ;):D
Seriously, daily contact is ridiculous. Attempting to do so would likely be of inconvenience to the hiker. AND, this is the AT an interstate hiking highway not really remote and with others around to assist.
CHOOSE not to worry not to be anxious. One of my parents finally did away with worrying about me backpacking because she got this into her heart: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer (http://www.christiananswers.net/dictionary/prayer.html) and petition, with thanksgiving (http://www.christiananswers.net/q-eden/thanks-david.html), present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7 (http://www.christiananswers.net/bible/phil4.html#6)). She let go and gave care for me when I was away to a Higher Power. I let her know this too: “I can do everything through HIM who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13 (http://www.christiananswers.net/bible/phil4.html#13)).
dudeijuststarted
05-07-2016, 00:18
He's 18 and going into the woods. Leave him be.
life goes in circles sometimes.. I was a kid with parents that worried about me, and I never called. Then I was a parent, worrying about my kids - who never called.
Now I'm a backpacking grandpa with kids that worry about me. I call em ALL THE TIME! ☺
MuddyWaters
05-07-2016, 03:25
I try to get off a text nightly saying where I am when I have service.
But without service, sometimes its a week or more before family hears from me
They know not to worry. Worry doesnt change reality. What will be. Will be.
When I went to college, my mom would call me after 3 weeks if she hadnt heard. Usually id call every other sunday just to chat. Not much to say though.
My daughter is in college now, and I only hear from her if she needs something. My wife texts her every few days, sometimes its days before she replies back. Shes busy with school and athletics and has no extra time to waste chatting with us , so doesnt respond then forgets. Sometimes we text a teammate or roommate to get an update on her... Occassionally check her twitters and can see shes still alive thru them...
Kids grow up...dont need mommy on a daily basis anymore.:(
Diamondlil
05-07-2016, 06:32
YankeeGirl, it is hard to let them go, isn't it. But seeking freedom and independence is part of growing up. Please know that he will not be alone on the trail. I suspect he will meet plenty of fine folk along the way. Hikers for the most part are good people who watch out for each other.
I'd suggest that once a week would be a reasonable expectation for communication. I would ask him to always update where he is, and where his next call/resupply will be from so that you can narrow down his whereabouts in case you need to find him in an emergency. If he is a few days late with a call, don't fret. It is probably because he is having fun/ no reception/ battery dead/ or any number of other reasons.
If you want him to succeed in his endeavor, try not to make him too homesick when he calls. Give him your love and support and let him know you are there if he needs you. And perhaps you can use this time as an opportunity to have your own adventure and growing experience?
Wish you and your son the best. Give us an update someday and let us know how it turns out.
As a Mom, who's son, at 18 wet off to Amsterdam for school and worried my stinking head off for eight long horrendous months.
Your words of calm, reason, rational and support were beautifully stated. More moms need words like these to put their minds at ease when their "little boys" wander, no matter what age. Thank you for all moms.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
OkeefenokeeJoe
05-07-2016, 06:55
Leave the boy alone helicopter-mom and let the kid grow out of his Barbie underwear. That is the way it's meant to be.
Hopefully, when he's done, it will give him the inspiration to honor the freedom he so enjoys by serving his country in United States Marines.
OkeefenokeeJoe
bigcranky
05-07-2016, 07:55
I'd want to get a text every three or four days. That shouldn't be too difficult for him. When my wife and I go hiking, we'll text or email our daughter when we get to town, so she know's we're okay. (Kinda funny how it reverses after a while :) )
Kinda hard to tell. Figure out a time of day when you can take calls and tell him. When I did my long hikes no cell phones and only in towns plus long distance cost money. What I did was use the US Mail. Granted its a one way deal but worked for my family and gives on paper real feelings so thats the old school very real option. The letters and post cards were in my parents stuff when they passed years later.
SamBrooks_01
05-07-2016, 08:38
I know it's not really "communication" but you could always look into a Spot GPS. I'm not totally sure about prices, but I don't think they're more than $150ish. You can actually set it up to ping his exact location every couple of minutes. Pretty cool little device that I'll definitely be buying here pretty soon.
Trillium
05-07-2016, 08:40
I'd never had a cellphone before I attempted my thruhike, but I purchased one before I went primarily for emergency purposes back home so they could reach me in case something happened to my elderly (mid 80's) parents.
I kept the phone in either off or airplane mode 95% of the time. I rarely called but texted my husband and daughter about once a day (when I had cell service) to let them know my location. Personally, I think it's only considerate to let your loved ones know that you are safe. Doesn't have to be a conversation, heck, could just be a picture or location texted.
When I first hiked it was decades before cell phones and a call would be made collect from a payphone whenever I found one. In this day and age there would be few times where cell phone service would be unavailable for more than a few days in the beginning of the trip. Some areas way up north can be cell phone free for more time but by that time you will be an old pro at it and your worries will be lessened by experience. So maybe a call a day to mom is ok for the first week then let them spread out.
If he has an iPhone you can download Find Friends and then sort of track him- know his general location for your own peace of mind. To have check in every day will be difficult and, if I may say, intrusive on his experience. I'm in the camp of let him fly for a while. Although I understand your perspective very well- my 19 year old daughter is traveling in Israel right now on a Birthright trip with 5 Israeli Soldiers and a handful of armed guards protecting her group. It is hard to relax when they go, but go they must.
I was about 20, early 1970s, when my friend and I toured Europe for half a year. Long before cell phones, and an overseas call home was a lot of dough on our budget. Our parents were nervous wrecks. Looking back, maybe they had a right to be so. The kind of traveling that only young folks can get away with. We sent postcards every few days, and a call every few weeks.
On my early AT adventures as a 37 y.o. I did the same -- occasional postcards and/or a phone call from town. Nowadays with a smart phone, it's just so easy, so why not? Just be aware that signals aren't always there where you need or want them, you have to be opportunistic.
It's not a bad feeling, on the trail, to know that someone back home is concerned for you. Seems fair to keep some sort of contact going, within reason.
capehiker
05-07-2016, 09:14
Helicopter parenting is becoming a leading cause of depression/suicidal thoughts among young adults between the ages of 17-21. This is because of the intense smothering parents have done to their child, and when suddenly finding themselves independent, they do not know how to cope. I see this daily in the ER. I really wish I was making this up.
Let your son go. This is his time to discover who he is and there is no better way than facing the daily challenges of thru hiking. Besides, you will find if you let him call on his terms, he will call more often than you think.
Well, here's a role reversal story. I'm in my 70s and have section-hiked alone since 2006. In those halcyon pre-cellphone days, I left a detailed itinerary and called home maybe once a week, or when I got to a town with a pay phone. When I broke my ankle in the Carter range in 2011, my two grown kids told me that either I should hike with someone or get a cell phone. I chose the second option and acquired a simple Tracfone, which is turned off 99% of the time. Since then, I try to text my son once a day with my general location and expected evening destination. But in the South, ATT service can be spotty, and a couple of times three or four days went by without contact. My son didn't worry, btw; he's not an alarmist.
So I consider the texting fairly useful; it's an opportunity to stay in touch with family matters at home, in case anything serious arises. I also call home for extended chats every 5-10 days.
I'd agree with what imscotty and capehiker have said. Yankeegirl22, I see you live just a couple of towns from me. I'd be happy to chat with you (phone or email) to reassure you; pm me if interested.
JohnHuth
05-07-2016, 09:56
It's probably a good idea to say that there are no expectations, but you'd love to hear about her progress so you can track it at home.
My own experience with my son:
My son hiked it last year. There was no expectation on how often he'd be in touch. I knew he was capable and if he got into any trouble there would be plenty of people around who could help out. More than anything, I think there was some vicarious experience of the hike, but I didn't want it to be a burden for him.
Early on, I got fairly regularly communications from him - maybe once every three or four days. He kept his cell phone in airplane mode to save batteries. I intercepted him in North Carolina and hiked a section with him. That was hilarious - he kept overshooting the agreed-upon meeting points. Finally I had to get north of him and hike south (he was NOBO'ing) until I finally met up with him.
Once he got into a good rhythm in Virginia, the communications began to drop off. He took a break out of Harpers Ferry to attend his sister's graduation, and then back on. Communications were maybe once a week at that point, but always a welcome peek into his hike, also coordinating food care packages and such.
In New Jersey his sim card died, and he phoned from a land line to get places to get it fixed. There was some coordination for my wife to intercept him for breakfast when he crossed I 90 in MA, then almost nothing until the Whites - he was worried about getting caught out on an exposed ridge with thunderstorms brewing and asked for me to look at radar and give him some feedback.
He took a zero at Gorham NH, and we used the phone to coordinate a pick-up, and he visited with his sister (my daughter), myself, and some friends who we'd hiked with in the Alps a few years before. Then back on the trail. I hiked with him, said a goodbye at the start of the Mahoosucs, and then didn't hear back until we got a photo of him on top of Katahdin.
So, a fair amount at the beginning and then it tailed off toward the end for various reasons. Mainly for me, it wasn't a safety issue and more a chance to 'share' the experience, which I did.
Yankeegirl22
05-07-2016, 10:02
Thank you all for your insights and advice. I don't have any context about the experience so this is all incredibly useful. I take your words to heart and all i want to know is that he's ok, so I will let him lead and guide the communication. I hear what you're saying - it's intrusive and creates anxiety to have expectations of him communicating. Thank you for all your wise words, I will probably have more questions and re-read these posts a few more times but you have settled this worried Mom's heart. Many thanks again to all of you for taking the time to answer.
Look into a SPOT or an InReach. I purchased an Delorme InReach and can use it, with my cell phone. to send a daily canned text to my wife. "Starting today". "Stopped for the night". Stuff like that. She wasn't too thrilled with me going off into a wilderness area where there is pretty much ZERO cell service. I hiked the area with a AT Thru Hiker (and he has since completed a complete section hike of the AT, the CT...) he used a SPOT. In the morning, he'd get the food bag down, turn on the SPOT. Pack up. Then, hit the button for "Starting" and we'd head out. It let his wife know, all was well. At the end of the day, we'd pick a camp spot, he'd toss our bear bag over a branch so that would be ready, then he'd set his SPOT on a rock near a fire ring and press the "stopped for the night". It takes up to 20 minutes for the SPOT or InReach to find a GPS satellite and send the message. So he'd leave it sit while getting water, or setting up camp, or boiling water. Eventually, he'd check the light for "message sent" and then power it down.
I'm not sure if he used it on his AT Thru.
Or, just remember, every few days, your offspring will be in a town and can call or email from the library.
Water Rat
05-07-2016, 11:33
Thank you all for your insights and advice. I don't have any context about the experience so this is all incredibly useful. I take your words to heart and all i want to know is that he's ok, so I will let him lead and guide the communication. I hear what you're saying - it's intrusive and creates anxiety to have expectations of him communicating. Thank you for all your wise words, I will probably have more questions and re-read these posts a few more times but you have settled this worried Mom's heart. Many thanks again to all of you for taking the time to answer.
It is absolutely normal to be worried about your kids when they leave the nest and begin their journey to life on their own. You will always be his mom and will never stop being concerned for your kids. That is something your son cannot yet understand. He will in time, but it might be time to sit down and have a conversation with him now so he can see/appreciate where you are coming from. With a new perspective, it might be easier for him to understand why you worry - It's not that you think he can't do this on his own. It's simply that you are his mom.
Of course he “feels otherwise” about contacting you to let him know he is safe and having a good time! That is typical teenage behavior. He is ready to leave the nest and prove he can live his life without being parented. :D
Let him know how you feel – You are also in the process of learning something new and that is letting go. He needs to understand you have always had the role of protector, so it will take a little bit of adjustment for you to learn how to step back. Let him know you are working on it, but will always love to hear from him (whether he is 18 or 99!). Talk to him about more frequent texts at the beginning of his hike, but with the understanding that cell reception might be an issue. Negotiate down from there. This will allow you both to adjust to the new roles.
Always let him know you support his dream and are there any time he needs words of encouragement. Let him know you are interested in hearing about his hike and would love to share as much of the adventure as he would like to share. Let him know he can always call/text if he needs help in figuring out a back-up plan (if equipment breaks, etc) for his hike.
Keep texts/calls lighthearted, with lots of encouragement.
These are all part of being a supportive parent while letting him do his own thing. If you follow this, he might surprise you with wanting to contact you more often than he thinks he will want to contact you.
It’s tough to let kids go when they leave the nest. His confidence suggests you have taught him enough to get started on his own. :)
Helicopter parenting is becoming a leading cause of depression/suicidal thoughts among young adults between the ages of 17-21. This is because of the intense smothering parents have done to their child, and when suddenly finding themselves independent, they do not know how to cope. I see this daily in the ER. I really wish I was making this up.
Let your son go. This is his time to discover who he is and there is no better way than facing the daily challenges of thru hiking. Besides, you will find if you let him call on his terms, he will call more often than you think.
Combine the hovering worried child worship upbringing with a "disconnected" teen/young adult who has reduced personal face to face interaction because culture is relying more on social media communication and personal electronic subservience and communication skills, listening, personal accountability, and patience suffer too. I ask, how might these things play out going forward? i.e.' relating to a spouse/personal significant other, legal authority, relating to raising one's own children, teachability, attitudes of humility, etc.
Every week or 10 days is reasonable. But don't get too excited if you expect to hear from him on Tuesday and its now Thursday and he hasn't called yet. He could be delayed for many reasons and if he's two days from a town and his cell phone battery is dead there is no particular reason to panic. When I hiked in 2002 almost nobody had a cell phone and we all got along just fine. And just because your son is hiking solo doesn't mean he will be alone. Solitude is hard to find. He will see people every day he is hiking out there. If something happens to him somebody will come along the trail within a couple of hours...probably less time than that. Out there hikers take care of each other. He will meet people out there...he doesn't have to begin his hike with a partner. If you are really worried get a guidebook that lists hostels and service providers along the trail for you to keep at home...that way if you need to get in touch with him you can call one of these service providers and leave a message for him to call home.
Trailweaver
05-07-2016, 13:11
I am a section hiker, have some health problems, am female, and still hike alone. My husband worries, but has learned this: you are never "alone" on the trail for very long. Hikers are the kindest, most helpful people you will ever know. They all look out for each other - loan things when there is a need, help out when there is an illness, give rides whenever they can, etc. I have always felt comfortable out there. I know if I'm "alone" and have an accident, someone will be along shortly. (This is especially true during thru hiking season.) I am able to get cell reception usually daily only in high spots, so I do usually check in with my husband daily.
Trust me, your child will be fine. He will have a multitude of friends within only a few days, and he will be safe.
Yankeegirl22
05-07-2016, 13:32
You nailed it with your wise words. I will re-read this many times.
Thank you seems trite but all I can convey at the moment. Your words and insights have made a difference.
Trailweaver
05-07-2016, 14:04
Really happy that I was able to say the right thing. I am certain that he will be fine, because I always have had just the right help when I needed it out there.
I also think a SPOT is a good thing. I am in the process of a thru hike and will be on my way into Shenandoah Park. Currently as I type this I am taking a few days off as I visit with my wife. My wife was worried about me so I got a SPOT and send one daily. If I can call I do but I have AT&T which means that in the southern states anyway, I have little chance of a phone call. You have a lot of good advice given here and I think a SPOT may be a good solution. Your son will still have his freedom from having to call each day while being able to let you know he is ok and you can track his progress as well as save the points for later use. I found the SPOT very easy, I just turn it on and set it down while I take care of getting water or making a meal. That easy.
One Half
05-07-2016, 14:59
Thank you all for your insights and advice. I don't have any context about the experience so this is all incredibly useful. I take your words to heart and all i want to know is that he's ok, so I will let him lead and guide the communication. I hear what you're saying - it's intrusive and creates anxiety to have expectations of him communicating. Thank you for all your wise words, I will probably have more questions and re-read these posts a few more times but you have settled this worried Mom's heart. Many thanks again to all of you for taking the time to answer.
My son went "back east" for his 18th birthday. He was with friends. Yet I had text contact every day. If he were hiking the AT, knowing how spotty coverage is, I would not expect as much contact. Though I would say he will likely have coverage at some point every 3 days. A text is all I would expect from an 18 year old boy. I have a friend flip-flopping the AT right now. She is in touch with her husband regularly and sometimes he updates me. Sometimes she contacts me. When I get a chance I text her a message of encouragement so that she sees it next time her phone is on.
The beauty of a SPOT or the InReach, even with zero cell coverage, they will still work.
wornoutboots
05-07-2016, 17:51
I send a SPOT signal every night when I get to camp for "peace of mind" so that my loved ones know I'm "ok". Then in towns I'll text & occasionally call. My loved ones know I'm on the trail to have "my" experience so they don't expect me to "call" often.
Yankeegirl22
05-07-2016, 19:12
Agreed! Thank you! Beautifully said!
Agreed! Thank you! Beautifully said!
Look at it this way:
Suppose your child were joining the military. How often do you think that he or she would be able to contact you during the first month or two? I'm sure times have changed since I was there, but we didn't have many opportunities for outside communications. The trail is no different.
Everything will be fine.
Wayne
lonehiker
05-07-2016, 20:54
Let him be. He will call or he won't. I wouldn't want to be saddled with a Spot/In reach. One thing for sure though is that if he needs money you can bet your last dollar you will hear from him.
Southeast
05-07-2016, 21:16
I bet he would appreciate having a trail journal to look back on some day to recall all the memories... Even if it is only a couple sentences every couple days. Seems like there might be a site out there to do this.
This post isn't about the communication thing, but more about easing your mind.... I have section hiked 6 times - each time ranging from a 1 week to a 2 week hike. On most of those hikes, I have encountered a "young adult" - meaning someone 17-19 years of age who is hiking alone. I have always marveled at how the other hikers take the younger one "under the wing" and try to assist in any way necessary.
The A.T. has a good hiking community. I will hike the A.T. alone because I know I will be safe and most of the other hikers I encounter will be supportive. Please note: I would not backpack in Michigan alone... too many weekend drinkers out using the trails for a good time... (I will hike MI with my husband or sons, just not alone!). A.T. hiking culture is different.
Watching our "babies" fly the nest is difficult. Some others gave you very sage advise. My earlier advise was not so supportive, and I apologize. I do want to suggest that you be supportive of him when he calls and not make him feel bad for not contacting you or being away. You want him to WANT TO CONTACT you and ENJOY TALKING to you. If he feels guilt or like he is disappointing you, he will call more infrequently. Cherish the contact you do get!
We "blink" and they are grown! Happy Mother's Day!!!
When I started travelling right after the service time, my mother was very anxious and kept asking where I was going. Ignoring this I just went away and wrote a postcard after 4 weeks (that arrived shortly after I was back home already - hey, this was in the 70ties when snailmail was really carried over land).
The more mother asked the less I answered and just kept going again and again.
It took me decades to understand the worries others might have.
Now being married happily and having all this fancy new communication gadgets, I'm texting my wife on every important milestone during a solo trip, and write mails whenever there is good internet access.
But still I tell my loved ones that they must not rely on messages from me. So many things can go wrong so that you cannot communicate for long time. Really bad news, like that I'm hurt or sick or anything serious went wrong, will spread lightning-fast, so they will know soon enough.