View Full Version : A joke

02-09-2003, 12:14
This joke was sent to me by my 72 year-old mother-in-law who is a devout catholic. Hope it doesn't offend any of y'all.

Two Nuns

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from ! the convent.

SM:Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight
and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL:It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most?
What can we do?

SL:The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM:It's not working.

SL:Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.
He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL:The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried
about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM:Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened.
I started to run as fast as I could and
he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.

SM:Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster
than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
say two Hail_ Marys!

09-22-2004, 17:32
Here's a HILARIOUS one. It's just a picture of a dirty car...

Don't open it when the kidlets (or anyone highly religious or repressed) are watching.


09-22-2004, 18:09
Off-topic..take it to the non-appalchian trail forum ;)

Rain Man
09-22-2004, 18:13
Off-topic..take it to the non-appalchian trail forum ;)

Right you are, Steve.

09-22-2004, 20:11
I didn't start it, just chimed in.

BTW, isn't that pic I posted a link to hilarious? (Don't have the kids, boss, or grannie see it!) ;)

09-22-2004, 20:14
I didn't start it, just chimed in.

BTW, isn't that pic I posted a link to hilarious? (Don't have the kids, boss, or grannie see it!) ;)

I like craiglist...I get a lot of gigs from craiglist. even meet some hiker chicks from craiglist,

09-22-2004, 20:35
IMO are www.joecartoon.com (http://www.joecartoon.com) and www.strangecosmos.com (http://www.strangecosmos.com). www.darwinawards.com (http://www.darwinawards.com) is pretty good, too.

12-09-2004, 13:49
Lipstick At School

http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/funnypic47.htm (http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/funnypic47.htm)

Lipstick At School

"According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators..."

12-09-2004, 16:16
:datz All Aboardhttp://www.darwinawards.com/i/bubbles1c.gif
2000 Honorable Mention
Confirmed by Darwin(17 September 2000, Queensland, Australia) Six young men and women with no sailing experience were rescued from an stolen luxury yacht after drifting into a pier only 400 metres from its mooring. They had intended to sail around the world, and had packed all the essentials; 60 cans of baked beans, 1000 condoms, some liquor and cola and a library book on navigating by the stars. Lucky for them they were caught, as police report that "they had no fresh water and no food other than baked beans." The would-be sailors have been charged with unlawful use of a vessel. We can all be glad that at least with 1000 condoms, they weren't planning to breed.

12-09-2004, 22:33
A nun with her dress up can run faster
than man with his pants down.

What about a man with a kilt? :D


Tha Wookie
12-10-2004, 01:27
Santa, Enemy Combatant

By Anthony Wade

www.OpEdNews.com (http://www.opednews.com/)

Apparently wishing to go out with one significant arrest during his tenure at The Department of Homeland Security,

Tha Wookie
12-10-2004, 01:28
Santa, Enemy Combatant

By Anthony Wade

www.OpEdNews.com (http://www.opednews.com/)

Apparently wishing to go out with one significant arrest during his tenure at The Department of Homeland Security,

Tha Wookie
12-10-2004, 01:30
Santa, Enemy Combatant
By Anthony Wade

www.OpEdNews.com (http://www.opednews.com/)

Apparently wishing to go out with one significant arrest during his tenure at The Department of Homeland Security,

Tha Wookie
12-10-2004, 01:33
I guess it was too long.

click this link http://opednews.com/wade_121004_santa.htm

scroll down to the story. Pretty funny and timely.

Pencil Pusher
12-10-2004, 02:58
You're on a roll, four posts saying the same thing, three of them exact duplicates...

Tha Wookie
12-10-2004, 08:21
somebody stop me.

is it getting hot in here? (pulling on collar)

just read it.:D

12-10-2004, 09:28
"A letter to the Tide Company"

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it since the beginning of my married life,
when my Mom told me it was the best.

Now that I am older and going through menopause,
I find it even better! Infact, about a month ago, I spilled
some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling
and uncaring husband started to berate me about how
clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in
the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with
a lot of his blood on my white blouse.

I tried to get the stain out by using a bargain detergent,
but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the
supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with
bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction,
all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out
so well, that when the detectives came by yesterday,
they told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative
and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer
be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my
husband. What a relief!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...

A Relieved Menopausal Wife

"Gold Boy Scout Knife"

Lisa, a strikingly beautiful young Brunette, sat across
the table from William, in a fancy restaurant. She
smiled as William finished proposing to her. "I'm not
sure, let me think about it." she answered.

William was crushed but kept his composure. After
dinner they went to her place. The mood was romantic
and William was eager to make love to Lisa. She
stopped him and said "Before we get married or even
make love, I want you to buy me something"

"Sure my love, you name it. A car, a pearl necklace,
diamond earrings, you name it."

"I want a solid gold Boy Scout knife."

Stunned William asked, "But why? I can buy you
anything you want. Why must it be a solid gold Boy
Scout knife?"

"I can't tell you, but I won't make love to you until I get one."
William searched high and low but couldn't find the knife.
Desperate, he had a jeweler make one for him.

The next time they met at her place for a romantic evening,
he again suggested they make love. Again she said she
couldn't without first receiving the solid gold Boy Scout knife.
With a smile he handed her a small gift wrapped box. She
carefully opened it and saw the knife.

They went off to the bedroom where she opened a large
hope chest at the foot of her bed. She placed the knife
inside, but not before William saw the contents of the hope
chest. It was filled with solid gold Boy Scout knifes.

"What's this? The whole thing is filled with gold knifes?"

"I can't tell you" she replied.

After several minutes of badgering she finally relented and
said, "Someday I will be older. My hair will turn gray, my
face will start to get wrinkles and my beauty will fade. Who
will want me then? But, can you imagine what a Boy Scout
would do for one of these knives?"
================================================== ==

12-10-2004, 10:45
Minnesotadude has resorted to bashing the Boy Scouts.

Shame on you, MS. You're not going to have a friend left on this site.


12-10-2004, 11:04
Minnesotadude has resorted to bashing the Boy Scouts.
It actually sounds like a joke I heard when I was in scouts....jeesh lighten up:bse

12-10-2004, 11:10
It's just a joke. Relax and enjoy it.

Say, how about telling us a bit of humor you know, that you think is funny?

12-10-2004, 11:27
Here's a HILARIOUS one. It's just a picture of a dirty car...
Don't open it when the kidlets (or anyone highly religious or repressed) are watching.


whats this guy got going....a "PIMP service"???????????????????? :D

12-10-2004, 11:57
[QUOTE=minnesotasmith]It's just a joke. Relax and enjoy it.

MS, I have nothing against jokes with sexual innuendo. IMHO, I just don't think they should be at the expense of children. :rolleyes:

12-10-2004, 13:00
It is almost impossibe to have a joke that doesn't offend someone. About the best you can do if you are going to have jokes is to be selective with your audiance... and for folks to lighten up a little bit.

12-10-2004, 20:39
Say, how about telling us a bit of humor you know, that you think is funny?Hey, Minnesotadude, this one's for U!

A GI was running down a road escaping from two MPs.

He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please, Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes? I'll explain why later."

The nun agreed to his request.

Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.

She replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said she understood.

The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of b**ls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"


Rain Man
12-11-2004, 00:39
Well... the jokes that most offend me in the HIKING Humor forum are those that have nothing to do with hiking. They belong elsewhere. Like, OFF TOPIC or some other site altogether.
Rain Man


12-11-2004, 02:16
Hey Rain Man,

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?

Rain Man
12-11-2004, 15:14
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?

Did he dig a cat hole or a bro hole?
Rain Man


12-11-2004, 19:35
Did he dig a cat hole or a bro hole?
Rain Man

Hrrrmmm…. That reminds me of an old Eskimo that once told me how to catch a polar bear with a can of peas. He said the trick was to dig a big hole in the ice with the can and use the peas to outline the hole. When the bear bends over to eat the peas, you sneak up behind him and kick him in the pea hole.

12-11-2004, 20:38
You may need to drink a sixer to find this one funny, I thought it was hilarious, when I was 13:

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says: "Mr. rabbit, does s**t stick to your fur?", the rabbit says "Why no Mr. bear." So the bear wipes his ass on the rabbit.

steve hiker
01-31-2005, 22:36
Good ol' Montana, where:

The wind is faster than your truck.

You own more than four pairs of gloves.

Every other vehicle is a 4x4.

The sun goes down and you immediately grab your coat.

In March your vehicle is 43% mud.

You leave your keys in your car and the next morning it's still there.

You installed your new computer using a Leatherman tool.

Wolves are naturally free and house cats are on a leash.

You hear the words "stream" or "brook" pronounced as "crick".

The elevation exceeds the population of your town.

The jug of milk on your porch is frozen.

Your vehicle is broken down on the highway and someone stops to help you ... and you trust them!

There's a Bison in your lane.

Your central heating system is fueled by large logs.

You can see the stars at night.

People drive 200+ miles to shop at a mall.

Your great grandmother is older than the courthouse.

You got a set of new snow tires for Valentine's Day.

Your minister shows up Sunday morning wearing Carhartt coveralls.

More than 1/2 the meat in your freezer is Elk.

The term "wind chill factor" is part of your daily vocabulary.

The bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.

Your backyard smells like sagebrush (or the nearest feedlot).

You put on a pair of snowboots to get the morning paper.

You enjoy a hot chocolate more than a margarita.

A girls' basketball game fills the school gym.

You put the car heater on your list of best friends.

You slept through the night undisturbed by a siren ... or a train!

A rodeo is more popular than a Madonna concert.

Tractors are a normal part of traffic.

You use your back porch as a freezer from October thru May.

Your telephone book is smaller than most magazines.

You have made jerky at least once in your life.

You think it's normal to replace your cracked windshield every spring when you take off the studded snow tires.

Dressing up means wearing a clean flannel shirt and jeans that aren't too dirty

You pronounce Kootenai as "COOT-nee".

You can tell it was a bad winter because there are only 50 or 60 deer grazing at the edge of town.

You've seen so many bald eagles you don't even pay attention to them anymore.

You go around in shorts when it's 45 degrees (F) outside.

You think a blacktop road (without stripes) that averages 12 feet wide qualifies as a highway.

You consider someone a neighbor if they only live 6 or 7 miles away.

You wave to every car on the highway, whether you're on foot or driving or even sitting on the creek bank with your back to the road.

You ignore the center line and drive on whichever part of the road is smoothest, driest, or feels safest.

Your idea of Mexican cuisine is Elk Chili and Bear Tacos.

You know what "Montana Potatoes" are.

You've patched your jeans by using duct tape. (Doesn't everyone?)

Your local Radio Shack sells guns, chainsaws, and satellite dishes.

You love the BIG SKY!

02-02-2005, 10:30
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his
company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste
like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something
wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first
thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on
the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all
clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He
takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging
on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it
and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:
Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get
groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you,

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is
also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your
mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you
puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such
perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the
table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you
screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins .38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . .PRICELESS!!!

SGT Rock
02-02-2005, 10:33
Now that is funny!

The Cheat
02-02-2005, 10:57
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

The Cheat
02-02-2005, 11:03
Two good friends were out hiking one day. One of the hikers stepped off the trail to take a leak. Suddenly a rattlesnake bit him right where it counts most. He screamed and his friend came running.

After a minute of panic, the friend said... "Look you just wait here and rest while I run into town to get some help." His friend ran all the way to town and found the doctor.

Doctor: "Hmm.. well, I'm afraid you are going to have to cut the wound lengthwise across the fang marks and then suck all the venom out. Your friend should be just fine then." The town doctor wasn't able to go to the victim because advanced age so the hiker asked him to repeat his instructions several times just to be sure he had them right. He then ran as fast as he could back to his injured friend in the woods.

Injured Hiker: "Did you find the doctor?"

Friend: "Yes, I ran all the way to town and I found the doctor."

Injured Hiker: "Well, what did he say?"

Friend: "He said you're going to die..."

The Cheat
02-02-2005, 11:03
A guy's going on a hiking vacation through the mountains out west. Before
setting off into the boonies, he stops into a small general store to get
some supplies.

After picking out the rest of his provisions, he asks the old store owner,
"Say mister, I'm going hiking up in the mountains, and I was wondering;
do you have any bears around here?"

"Yup," replies the owner.

"What kind?" asks the hiker.

"Well, we got black bears and we got grizzlies," he replies.

"I see," says the hiker. "Do you have any of those bear bells?"

"What do you mean?" asks the store owner.

"You know," replies the hiker, "those little tinkle-bells that people wear
in bear country to warn the bears that they are coming, so they don't
surprise the bears and get attacked."

"Oh yeah," replies the owner. "They're over there," he says, pointing to
a shelf on the other side of the store. The hiker selects a couple of
the bells and and takes them to the counter to pay for them.

"Tell me something, mister," the hiker inquires, "how can you tell when
you're in bear territory, anyway?"

"By the scat," the old fellow replies, ringing up the hiker's purchases.

"Well, um, how can I tell if it's grizzly territory or black bear territory?"
the hiker asks.

"By the scat," the store owner replies.

"Well, what's the difference?" asks the hiker. "I mean, what's different
between grizzly scat and black bear scat?"

"The stuff that's in it," replies the store owner.

Getting a little frustrated, the hiker asks, "OK, so what's in grizzly bear
scat that isn't in black bear scat?" he asks, an impatient tone in his voice.

"Bear bells," replies the old man as he hands the hiker his purchases.