View Full Version : what about my wife? Aaaahhh!!
I love my wife dearly, but really here...
She is starting to think that I am going to be so different after I finish my thru hike, that I wont love her anymore and will want a divorce. How can I convince her that this trip will be an experience that will change who I am for the better!
I am certainly not perfect, I have issues just like everyone else. I need advice on others experiences regarding this issue(if any).:eek::eek::eek::eek:
Before you leave: Assure her that you will call her from every trail town, which should be at least once a week. Make arrangements to meet her at regular intervals.
From the trail: Be sure to call her regularly. Send postcards, email and maybe even flowers when the opportunity presents itself.
Bottom line: Just make her feel the love.
Jones134679
02-24-2006, 23:29
DLANOIE i am feeling your pain...my girlfriend. I think the answer to my problem is going to be a ring, but i guess that wouldnt really work for you since you are already married. One thing that is helping me is that i have a nextel blackberry and i got a feature where she can track me at all times, you might try that.
Anyways...
Good Luck
Pacific Tortuga
02-25-2006, 00:04
I love my wife dearly, but really here...
I am certainly not perfect, I have issues just like everyone else. I need advice on others experiences regarding this issue(if any).:eek::eek::eek::eek:
Have you read the book "On The Beaton Path" by David Ruben? He was married and he and his wife worked through his need to quit his job and thru-hike. You can buy it from the ATC if you have'nt done so yet.
I love my wife dearly, but really here...
She is starting to think that I am going to be so different after I finish my thru hike, that I wont love her anymore and will want a divorce. How can I convince her that this trip will be an experience that will change who I am for the better!
I am certainly not perfect, I have issues just like everyone else. I need advice on others experiences regarding this issue(if any).:eek::eek::eek::eek:It is very considerate of you to be concerned about how much she will be worrying while you are away, but I think you are missing her fear. She is afraid, very afraid, but not that you won't be a better person, but that you won't love her anymore.
You say you love her dearly, but evidently not enough love is getting through to her so that she is confident of your love.
You need to express the love before you leave. And while you are away, NEVER miss an opportunity to call, every phone you pass by. Leave a message if she isn't home. Send a card or note from every post office you pass. Will this be hard? Yeah, there will be times it will be easier to walk past the phone, saying "I jsut called two days ago." But that isn't the way to keep her from worrying.
My first marriage ended in divorce. I was temporarily transferred for six months, and although I flew home every two weeks, when I got back for good my wife told me she wanted a divorce.
The roots of course were far deeper than my going away, but when I remarried and was faced with another temporary assignment, I was illogically afaid the same thing would happen. Knowing it wasn't logical, that the situations were totally different, did not help. My fear was not rational.
My wife made the difference. She didn't act like I was a moron for being afraid, or point out how silly it was. She understood, and told me how tough it must be, and was there anything she could do to help.
There wasn't, of course, and I was still nervous about it, but her understanding made all the difference.
Men have the advantage in that women are much better at this than we are. had she been the one that needed understanding, I doubt I would have been smart enough to do what she did.
None of this may help in your case, but you asked for others' experience, and that is mine.
Be nice to her. Acknowledge her fears. Ask if ther is anything you can do?
It worked for me when my spouse did that for me. Perhaps it will work for your wife also.
My wife suggested that I carry a GPS unit with me so she can keep track of me that way. However, I dont want to carry the extra weight and I think calling her as much as I can is a much better way to let her know that Im ok and that I love her.:rolleyes:
dje97001
02-25-2006, 00:18
Invite her along!;)
Pacific Tortuga
02-25-2006, 00:23
"On the Beaten Path" by Robert Rubin sorry.:o
Well said Frosty! I agree 100% and can speak from experience as well. My wife is now living on 8000 miles away from me and the key to our success is a number of things. One being that we have a strong foundation (we've been together for 15 years, married 8 of them). Two, communication! Between us there is a 14 hour time difference, she works up 19 hours a day often and I go to school here. Even with all those barriers every chance we get we talk on the phone, instant message each other or drop emails/e-cards. Although we do have a long history with each other, without the conscious efforts to stay in touch and express our love for one another I don't things would be as good as they are. Good luck with it and if you're one to pray then do so. If not then you can still meditate on great thoughts.
Just Jeff
02-25-2006, 01:06
I haven't done a long distance hike yet, but being in the military my wife and I deal with similar separation issues. On my first 90 day deployment, she was afraid that I would want a divorce when I got back. I think one of the biggest thing I did right (accidentally) was just to listen. I wasn't considering a divorce, so I thought her fear was silly and unfounded...but I let her talk it all out and reassured her where I could, and didn't tell her I thought she was being silly. She got over it pretty quickly, and after the first deployment, the other ones weren't such an issue.
Then we talked every few days...sometimes difficult with the time difference and long shifts, but it really helps. I guess it's the "out of sight, out of mind" thing...she felt like if we didn't talk often, she wasn't in my mind. On the later deployments, we didn't have to talk so often because she knew I was busy and was more comfortable about what I was doing (and not doing).
A few random, unexpected letters helped, too. Nothing really to say in them since we talked pretty often on the phone and email, but she liked them. Conveniently, all the neighbors were gossiping in the neighbor's driveway when the flowers were delivered...big time points!
I guess hiking is different because you're choosing to be gone, whereas the military is generally ordered to go, but I volunteered for that first deployment, and could have gotten out of some of the others...so it may be pretty similar to what she'll be experiencing.
But pretty much, it's just what everyone else said. Don't downplay her feelings or act like they're unfounded; keep up the communication before, during and after the separation; send random things just to let her know that you spent time on her during your time away.
You may have the advantage of meeting her a few times during the trip. That may be a good time to introduce her to any girls that you've been hiking with if possible. For some reason, some women feel less threatened after meeting other females. Unless you're hiking with a supermodel...in which case that may be a good time to introduce her to me. And my wife, of course. :p
You got it Jeff! We could bring our wives! :p
If divorce is meant to be, so be it!
"Take my wife - please."
~Henny Youngman~
Old Henny is long dead, and his wife is gettin' a little long in the tooth, but maybe she'd like to take a break from her gossip column and accompany you on your hike.
all i can is i wish you and your wife the very,i will say a prayer for you to.
send her post cards from to trail and try to stay in touch.happy hiking to ya:cool: neo
blindeye
02-25-2006, 16:24
well said lobster!!!!!!!!!!
Programbo
02-25-2006, 17:45
Hmmm..Sounds like she`s holding you back..I saw divorce her before you go and get it out of the way then you can not worry...Just teasing....Just tell her that 1,000`s of others (I`m sure there have been 1,000`s of thru hikers by now right?) have hiked the trail and returned to their loved ones safe and sound..The real question is why she would think that about YOU in particular?
saimyoji
02-25-2006, 21:01
Look at it this way:
Would you have a problem if your wife wanted to take 5-6 months away from you to go study museums and castles throughout Europe? Personally I'd have a few issues with this, especially if she'd never expressed any interest in European culture before. Someone mentioned some stuff about makeing sure she knows you love her, knows how you feel....I think thats great advice...in fact I think I'll buy my honey some beer on the way home tonite. :D
Well, my wife and I dont drink. :D But we know we love each other very much. She knows this hike has been a life long dream for me. And its not like, out of nowhere I wanna hike the AT! We have had countless discussions regarding my trip. I need to continue acknowleging that her fears are ok. That I will be in contact with her as much as I possibly can( this gives me a good excuse to take a zero day once in a while).
Thanks for your support and prayers!
PEACE
Offer to have your genitalia removed and leave them with her during your hike. You can easily have them reattached later. This should make her feel much better. :banana
What kind of person is this guy who wrote the above distasteful thing.
When I did my thru-hike in 99 my wife came as often as possible to trail towns to see me. I also called her every few days. Take a pre-paid calling card with you.
It will be the best thing you ever done in your marriage. She will learn to trust.
Almost There
02-25-2006, 22:54
Some of you haven't noticed as I sit here and think about early in my marriage. He's only 25 and I am guessing his wife is right around the same age. How long have you been married, man? I remember the first 2-3 years of marriage when my wife always worried about this kind of stuff. I'll be married 7 years in about two months and somewhere in the 4th year she stopped worrying so much about things like this. Part of it may simply be the insecurities of a young woman. I had a female friend I worked with who was around 50. She explained to me during this period that many women don't find the confidence that many men exhibit until their late thirties or early forties, however time together can help to strengthen confidence in your marriage. It may be you haven't been married long enough yet for this comfort level to exist. Therefore as others have said you need to let her know how much you love her...and miss her during your hike. Will she still miss you terribly??? Absolutely! There is nothing you can do about that, but she will also want to know that you are missing her as well. Remember, men and women think differently...alot of times we both forget this in our marriages? So get into her mind a little and try to assuage it as she would think it should be done. I can say I dissappear on sections all the time, and it is a dream of my wife's for us to have the money for me to thru. She would be miserable with me gone, and I must admit I don't know if I would want to be away from her for 5-6 months...granted we have no kids yet, but when we do...I don't think it would happen until I am in or near retirement. My hope is by then she can go with me. I was talking to the male half of Solemates and asked him if he could have done it without his wife, being fairly newly married...his answer was "No Way".
Good Luck to you...and fair warning...many young couples who schedule visits along the trail seem to find it very difficult to continue after each visit. My heart goes out to you guys....Good Luck with it all...and remember be delicate in all things!!!
Rendezvous01
02-25-2006, 23:39
Communication is the key to any relationship, whether you are absent for long stretches or in each other's faces constantly. As others have stated, call frequently and send cards and letters letting her know how much you are missing her (whether you are or are not!).
Additionally, involve her in some of the planning process, so that your hike is also partly her hike. If you are doing maildrops, have her help with that process. If you are using traditional film instead of digital, have her get the pictures developed so that she gets to see them first before other friends and family. Keeping an online journal? Maybe she would be interested in being your transcriber.
I'm presuming that you have no children to complicate matters. I hiked in 2001, at age 40, married 16+ years, with two children. My wife missed me (and I her), but what was most difficult for her was being the single mom (especially with a 13 year old daughter). I eventually curtailed my hike because I realized my family was more important than finishing my hike. Try to convince your wife that your hike dream will not go away, and now is a better time than ten years from now, expecially if you are planning on having children.
We chose to not meet along the Trail, realizing that each parting would just make things more difficult. (My 9 year old son hiked with me for three days, and that goodbye was one of the most difficult ever in my entire life.)
One additional thing for your wife, a bribe perhaps. Sometime she will have her own dream, and you must promise you will make it happen for her. (I owe my wife a French Riviera vacaton, although she may settle for a Caribbean cruise. Without me.)
All in all, it may come down to your wife's sense of security. Unlike Almost There (who is still early in his marriage, we can hope), this wasn't as much of a concern for me due to our longevity together. However, your wife's concerns are not irrational, and you are right to address them. And you will change due to your time on the Trail, but you will most likely be a better person for your experience.
Best of luck, not only on your hike, but returning home.
Blissful
02-26-2006, 00:39
I think it's really sad when a fellow hiker asks for help and people have to post such comments like divorce is meant to be and other posts that will remain unmentioned. Yes, I know they are posted only for effect, like teenagers having to dye their hair purple because inside they are screaming - Notice me! Please! You can only feel sorry for it. But beside the point, here is someone trying to fulfill his dream and balance it with the love he obviously has for his wife, and I think this is very touching. It's great to see a guy so concerned. We need more of that kind of love and devotion nowadays that doesn't sing "me, me, me" but speaks of a concern for others. As it is, I will be away from my husband for several months next year, fulfilling what I believe is a destiny. We are already preparing. He will hike the first two weeks and also two months with us. The rest of the time he plans to visit us on the trail as much as he can on weekends. He is also setting up his own life - being a Scoutmaster with the Boy Scouts, getting together with guys in our church, and seeing how he can be helpful while I am away, besides doing his work. Maybe your wife can find things that she is interested in to keep her active. And I agree, maybe she can join you on your hikes. I liked the White Blaze Fever book as the author mentions the times when his wife joined him and she provided "slackpacking" opportunities - I forgot to check where you live, though. But maybe you have relatives near places on the trail so she can come hang out (?) Having a church family is great too. But I like the other things mentioned - like love notes, flowers, etc., that assure her of your love. And if you need to take time off from the trail to be with her, do it. Maybe even take a vacation together. I will take a week off to join my dh in Hawaii at the halfway mark. So maybe plan a romantic getaway together midway through.
Trail Dog
02-26-2006, 01:08
just take her with you thats what i did
Why Older Chicks Rule
by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes"
This is for all you girls 40 years and over, for those turning 40, for
those who are scared of moving into their 50s AND 60s, and for guys who are
scared of girls over 40!
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just
a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,
"What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's
usually something more interesting.
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what
she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a
hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you
at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if
you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think the can get
away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what
it's like to be unappreciated. A woman over 40 has the
self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with
a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the
guy with other women.
Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because
she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a
woman over 40. They always know.
A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not
true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40
is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if
you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder
where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately,
it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart,
well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic of a man in
yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for
free", here's an update for you. Now 80% of women are against marriage.
Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get
a little sausage.
Two Speed
02-26-2006, 09:04
I love my wife dearly, but really here...
She is starting to think that I am going to be so different after I finish my thru hike, that I wont love her anymore and will want a divorce. . .How about doing a little research and seeing if there aren't a few bed & breakfast joints along the way that look good. You may be very glad of the rest, clean sheets, food, etc, not to mention that it's always good to see your significant other from time to time. You could let her pick the B&B's; make it a little romantic and this could turn out to be some of the memories that you two treasure the rest of your lives.
Why Older Chicks Rule
by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes"
This is for all you girls 40 years and over . . . I guess it's good some of us old farts appreciate women our own age, ain't it?
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Now 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.Hey, I resemble that! Besides that you're letting the women in on all OUR secrets.
I think it's really sad when a fellow hiker asks for help and people have to post such comments like divorce is meant to be and other posts that will remain unmentioned. Yes, I know they are posted only for effect, like teenagers having to dye their hair purple because inside they are screaming - Notice me! Please! You can only feel sorry for it. But beside the point, here is someone trying to fulfill his dream and balance it with the love he obviously has for his wife, and I think this is very touching. It's great to see a guy so concerned. We need more of that kind of love and devotion nowadays that doesn't sing "me, me, me" but speaks of a concern for others. As it is, I will be away from my husband for several months next year, fulfilling what I believe is a destiny. We are already preparing. He will hike the first two weeks and also two months with us. The rest of the time he plans to visit us on the trail as much as he can on weekends. He is also setting up his own life - being a Scoutmaster with the Boy Scouts, getting together with guys in our church, and seeing how he can be helpful while I am away, besides doing his work. Maybe your wife can find things that she is interested in to keep her active. And I agree, maybe she can join you on your hikes. I liked the White Blaze Fever book as the author mentions the times when his wife joined him and she provided "slackpacking" opportunities - I forgot to check where you live, though. But maybe you have relatives near places on the trail so she can come hang out (?) Having a church family is great too. But I like the other things mentioned - like love notes, flowers, etc., that assure her of your love. And if you need to take time off from the trail to be with her, do it. Maybe even take a vacation together. I will take a week off to join my dh in Hawaii at the halfway mark. So maybe plan a romantic getaway together midway through.
Well said Blissful
hopefulhiker
02-26-2006, 09:51
Last year my wife supported me with mail drops and home cooked dehydrated food for most of my thru hike.. I kept in touch with a pocket mail device which I could download email journals and letters over pay phones... The pocket mail device was worth the weight for keeping in touch...forget the cell phone though.
:) My wife is a hiker but due to work didn't thru hike with me. It's just as well, she is much faster than I am and I'm sure we would have either killed each other or divorced by the time we got to Virginia. She had read several books on the AT, the best was "There are Mountains to Climb" by Jean Deeds so she had a good idea what life on the trail was like. She was excited when I announced my plans to thru hike when I retired. On my birthday she had a supprise party and all my presents were hiking gear. She supported me with mail drops. We made a pact we would not meet for four months so I would not be tempted to come home. We met at Bear Mountain in New York and again at the Long Trail Inn in Vermont. I called her at every trail town but she did get upset when she opened a package I sent home from Hot Springs and all it contained was socks, underware, and no Mothers day card. The trail changes everyone and my wife liked the new me when I finished, I was much calmer and more willing to accept what life sent my way. Two years after my hike my wife decided to do a three month solo backpacking trip to New Zealand and I was just as supportive of her as she had been of me. Marrage is a two way street and any good marrage will only be made stronger by supporting your mate in achieving their goals.
Blue Jay
02-26-2006, 12:21
I love my wife dearly, but really here...
She is starting to think that I am going to be so different after I finish my thru hike, that I wont love her anymore and will want a divorce. How can I convince her that this trip will be an experience that will change who I am for the better!
I am certainly not perfect, I have issues just like everyone else. I need advice on others experiences regarding this issue(if any).:eek::eek::eek::eek:
You wife is correct to be concerned. There is no way anyone can know if you will be changed by a thru. On the other hand, a large number of thrus return home completely unchanged. I wish you both all the best with this extremely important and complex issue.
if your wife is so clingy, maybe you're better off without her. you're not going to be any different after your thru-hike. it's just a six-month vacation
saimyoji
02-26-2006, 15:01
I had ATTroll delete my earlier post because it did not come across the way I had intended. Some of you find it offensive and crude, which I can understand and I appologize for that. I did not intend to belittle DLANOIE, nor imply anything.
You asked for suggestions based on others experiences...
Far be it for me to offer marital advice, however: I am in the position of having to spend months away from my family periodically. I agree with what Frosty as I stated above. I think you should acknowldge her concerns and address them appropriately...only you will know how to do that....only you know your wife.
I would try to keep some perspective...is a few months hiking journey in the woods worth damaging a lifelong journey with your partner?
Good luck.
if your wife is so clingy, maybe you're better off without her. you're not going to be any different after your thru-hike. it's just a six-month vacation
I don't think this is helpful or in the spirit of what our kindred spirit is looking for. We should all refrain from second guessing other people's relationships. It is not appropriate if you know them and it is totally inappropriate if you don't know them. The best we can do is to encourage them to work it out. The worst we can do is tell them if it takes effort, don't bother. Everything worthwhile in life takes some effort. Let's offer more encouragement and less divisiveness...please.
Old Spice
02-26-2006, 21:27
Have you considered the possibility that she may be right?
Old Spice
02-26-2006, 21:30
if your wife is so clingy, maybe you're better off without her. you're not going to be any different after your thru-hike. it's just a six-month vacation
I strongly disagree with this statement. Time will tell whether or not I am correct. Yet having done other long distance "hikes" I can say that it changes you in ways that you may not expect.
Kerosene
02-26-2006, 22:19
Hopefully no one is seriously taking marital advice from a hiking bulletin board (or any bulletin board for that matter). You will change, but then again everyone changes over the course of their marriage. Frankly, it's just as likely that she could be the one that changes in ways that make a long-term relationship untenable.
My only real suggestion is to put your thru-hiking dream on hold for now. The AT will still be there later in your life. Think about doing a series of 1-4 week section hikes to get her acclimated to the idea of you someday going away for 5-6 months.
2Discover
02-26-2006, 22:23
Like the others said communication is key. I had to let my loved one go and take his journey on the AT. I know how hard it is, and let me tell you I live for every phone call that I recieved. Reasurance is also key. If you tell her you love her and will miss her, just know that she needs to hear it agian. It might not be that she doesn't believe it, it is just a woman thing. Also make it clear why you are leaving and how this will benefit you and thus benefit her and ya'lls relationship. Also letters are key. Write as much as possible and be discriptive in the letters. It helped me to know that I in some way was a part of the journey, and it might help her to know that she is in this adventure with you; although your roles might be different.
Good luck on your journey. I know what she is going through. Tell her to make small goals (like I get to talk to him in 4 days) and just focus on that. If you look at the big picture it is too overwhelming.
Best wishes
hiking long distances allows for much personal reflection. you're gonna be different, but chances are, you'll appreciate everything more, including your wife and your relationship. some times when i hike i can't stay away long enough, and some times, i hit the nearest road and hitch home. you just got to do what feels right at the moment.
Dump the wife and hook up with some hairy-legged hiker chick!