Rejected from Birth
04-06-2006, 13:54
I doubt that anyone reading this knows me, but many of you know my father, a.k.a Chayan, a.k.a Bonzo ( and Rio ). I would like to thank the people at Whiteblaze.net for providing me with the opportunity to bring about closure to a personal life long tragedy that has been going on since I was born December 24th, 1981. My Father abondened my mom, and myself less than a year after I entered into this world. I met him twice by the age of 12, and those memories are garbled and clouded in clarity.
From the time that I was child through my late teens I had very little information on the man that is my biological parent, the man who decided that the nomadic life was his way and not raising me into a man. I didn't have any photo's of him, and I often wondered how much I looked like him. I wondered what parts of my personality were like his, what subtle quirks I was given by him. Questions always outnumbered the facts.
After moving back to my home town of Aiken, South Carolina at age 19 I decided that I wanted to know who " Bonzo " was. I did this without the consent of my family, and was warned of the consequences of pursueing to know him. I felt obligated to find him, and give him the chance to be a part of my life even though he didn't deserve it. I wanted to give him the opportunity to be a Father even though he abandoned that right 18 years prior.
It has been almost 3 years since I saw him for the first time since being 12 years old. I drove 13 hours to Harpers Ferry, WV to spend 5 days with him back in 2004. That was a complete disaster that should have ended our relationship. After having a little too much to drink my Father asked my friend who had joined me on the trip to get me to drink a little more so that my Father could get me to try weed. Upon hearing about this I had a complete breakdown and so my friend loaded our things into my car and we left town after having been there for two days. Nothing against any of you who partake of weed, but I have never tried it, have never wanted to try it. Bonzo knew this, understood this, and yet he was willing to trick me into doing it. For references to this event ask Booboo, or no pain, although no pain was pretty hammered himself.
Let me jump to the conclusion which holds the reason why I am writing all of this. This is the only way that I get Bonzo to perhaps read something that I have to say. Every time I try to talk to him about all of this he either hangs up the phone, or signs off instant messenger. Hey Dad, thanks for showing me that you care what I think, and what I have to say!
Dad,
I have laid aside all good judgement for the past three years and have tried to give you every opportunity to be a part of my life. I invited you to my wedding, I have invited you to come visit, I have invited you to be a part of your granddaughters birth. Every invitiation has been met by you with the best of intentions, but never any actions. I think that deep down, you are a decent person, but you are for the most part full of good intentions but lack any sort of action. The thought of good intentions brings about a euphoria of good feelings, but you have no idea what its like to actually do those good intentions; that is where the joy and satisfaction truely live.
The past three conversations we have had are always about the same old things. Who you are dating / who you just fired. The mindless actions of your dog. The weather. When you are planning to make your next " attempt " at the AT. Our conversations lack any sort of meaning, there is no deepness to them. Whenever I try to talk about anything of meaning you close the door in my face.
I have never cared who you were dating; and it has always been more than funny to hear you say " I think we are going to get married ". I do not care about your dog; in fact I am jealous of your dog! You talk about Rio like I have always wanted you to talk about me! Rio gets more love than I do, and I personally think that is wrong in a hundred different ways. If Rio could talk I think he would call you an jerk from time to time as well.
You have attempted the A.T. at least a dozen times by my counting. Each time you blame not completing it on A) other people or B) other people. Not completing things is your trademark. You didn't complete what you started in me, you haven't completed what you started with my sisters, and you have completed anything in probably over 30 years.
I HAVE TRIED SO VERY HARD TO ALWAYS UPLIFT YOU, ENCOURAGE YOU, LOVE YOU, HELP YOU, AND HELP YOU TO SEE WHAT YOU HAVE IN ME ALONG WITH THE POSITIVE THINGS THAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU.
Caroline will be born in 8 weeks, the due date is May 30th. Every time I feel her little body move I freak out and thank God for such a miracle. I told Lizzi today that I just can't understand how anyone could abandon something so magical. I wonder how you could have left me, your first born son. After thinking about this time and time again I have come to a realization. I have forgiven you 100 times, and then another 100 times. I have given you chance, after chance, after chance. The chances are gone, although you will always have my forgiveness. Knowing you has not added anything positive to my life, talking to you only upsets me to the point of rage. You and I are opposite forces and the chemistry is too unbalanced. I can't let that rage, that poison seap into Caroline's life. She doesn't deserve suffering because of my suffering.
In closing I wish you and Rio the best of luck on this next attempt to thru hike the A.T. I wish you the best of health, and my prayers will often hold your name in them. I hold no contempt for you.
Your Son,
Thomas Spence
From the time that I was child through my late teens I had very little information on the man that is my biological parent, the man who decided that the nomadic life was his way and not raising me into a man. I didn't have any photo's of him, and I often wondered how much I looked like him. I wondered what parts of my personality were like his, what subtle quirks I was given by him. Questions always outnumbered the facts.
After moving back to my home town of Aiken, South Carolina at age 19 I decided that I wanted to know who " Bonzo " was. I did this without the consent of my family, and was warned of the consequences of pursueing to know him. I felt obligated to find him, and give him the chance to be a part of my life even though he didn't deserve it. I wanted to give him the opportunity to be a Father even though he abandoned that right 18 years prior.
It has been almost 3 years since I saw him for the first time since being 12 years old. I drove 13 hours to Harpers Ferry, WV to spend 5 days with him back in 2004. That was a complete disaster that should have ended our relationship. After having a little too much to drink my Father asked my friend who had joined me on the trip to get me to drink a little more so that my Father could get me to try weed. Upon hearing about this I had a complete breakdown and so my friend loaded our things into my car and we left town after having been there for two days. Nothing against any of you who partake of weed, but I have never tried it, have never wanted to try it. Bonzo knew this, understood this, and yet he was willing to trick me into doing it. For references to this event ask Booboo, or no pain, although no pain was pretty hammered himself.
Let me jump to the conclusion which holds the reason why I am writing all of this. This is the only way that I get Bonzo to perhaps read something that I have to say. Every time I try to talk to him about all of this he either hangs up the phone, or signs off instant messenger. Hey Dad, thanks for showing me that you care what I think, and what I have to say!
Dad,
I have laid aside all good judgement for the past three years and have tried to give you every opportunity to be a part of my life. I invited you to my wedding, I have invited you to come visit, I have invited you to be a part of your granddaughters birth. Every invitiation has been met by you with the best of intentions, but never any actions. I think that deep down, you are a decent person, but you are for the most part full of good intentions but lack any sort of action. The thought of good intentions brings about a euphoria of good feelings, but you have no idea what its like to actually do those good intentions; that is where the joy and satisfaction truely live.
The past three conversations we have had are always about the same old things. Who you are dating / who you just fired. The mindless actions of your dog. The weather. When you are planning to make your next " attempt " at the AT. Our conversations lack any sort of meaning, there is no deepness to them. Whenever I try to talk about anything of meaning you close the door in my face.
I have never cared who you were dating; and it has always been more than funny to hear you say " I think we are going to get married ". I do not care about your dog; in fact I am jealous of your dog! You talk about Rio like I have always wanted you to talk about me! Rio gets more love than I do, and I personally think that is wrong in a hundred different ways. If Rio could talk I think he would call you an jerk from time to time as well.
You have attempted the A.T. at least a dozen times by my counting. Each time you blame not completing it on A) other people or B) other people. Not completing things is your trademark. You didn't complete what you started in me, you haven't completed what you started with my sisters, and you have completed anything in probably over 30 years.
I HAVE TRIED SO VERY HARD TO ALWAYS UPLIFT YOU, ENCOURAGE YOU, LOVE YOU, HELP YOU, AND HELP YOU TO SEE WHAT YOU HAVE IN ME ALONG WITH THE POSITIVE THINGS THAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU.
Caroline will be born in 8 weeks, the due date is May 30th. Every time I feel her little body move I freak out and thank God for such a miracle. I told Lizzi today that I just can't understand how anyone could abandon something so magical. I wonder how you could have left me, your first born son. After thinking about this time and time again I have come to a realization. I have forgiven you 100 times, and then another 100 times. I have given you chance, after chance, after chance. The chances are gone, although you will always have my forgiveness. Knowing you has not added anything positive to my life, talking to you only upsets me to the point of rage. You and I are opposite forces and the chemistry is too unbalanced. I can't let that rage, that poison seap into Caroline's life. She doesn't deserve suffering because of my suffering.
In closing I wish you and Rio the best of luck on this next attempt to thru hike the A.T. I wish you the best of health, and my prayers will often hold your name in them. I hold no contempt for you.
Your Son,
Thomas Spence