Tell us your hiking jokes

[Amigi'sLastStand]

I thought I'd find a hiker joke section here, but no. So let's start one.

Jokes must be about hiking, kayaking, hunting, fishing; any joke that has to do with the outdoors.

Here's my few, mighta heard em, but I still laugh at em.

Two guys are hiking along at the end of a long day. Suddenly, a bear appears from atop the next crest. The hikers eye the bear, the bear eyes 'em back and starts to charge.

One hiker turns to run but notices his buddy drop his pack and start fishing out his sneakers.

"What are you doing!?!?! If we don't get outta here, we'll never out run that bear!!":eek:

His buddy responds, "I dont have to outrun that bear. I only have to outrun you.":cool:

Or, you might be a thruhiker if when you go to church on Sunday, you put $5 in the tithe box and immediately start to disrobe.

Two deer are walking quietly in the woods during hunting season. Both have very concerned looks on their faces.

"Hey, Louie, I heard the hunters are wearing orange now," whispers Mikey with a quiver in his voice. "They say we cant see orange, so the hunters wear it to keep themselves safe."
"Shut up, Louie. I dont know nothing about that. Keep quiet," implores Louie. "Dont you see all these f----ers wearing camo?":cool:

Let's here em.

[rambunny]

A pastor is hiking the AT when he comes across a hugh black bear,he drops to his knees and prays"Oh Lord protect me" he looks over and the bear is on his knees too! He says Oh thank God it's a Christian bear. Then he hears the bear pray-"Oh Lord thank you for the gifts we are about to recieve"!

What's the differance between a homless person and a thru-hiker? Gortex!

[Heater]

I thought I'd find a hiker joke section here, but no. So let's start one.

Jokes must be about hiking, kayaking, hunting, fishing; any joke that has to do with the outdoors.

Let's here em.

A hiker is walkng up to the shelter when he sees another hiker with a rod and reel fishing in the privy. He walks over and asks " what in the world are you doing in there"? He says "I dropped my jacket in and I'm tryin to get it out".

The first hiker looks in at the jacket and says "You're not acually gonna wear that are you"? The second hiker shakes his head in disbelief at such a ridicules question and replies "Heck No! There is a Snickers in the pocket"!

[Clark Fork]

Stream Fording

A hiker comes to the river crossing up north and wants to get across, sees another hiker on the other side and yells over.... HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE....
The other hiker looks up river, then down river and yells:
YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE!

Leg Pains

A hiker hobbles into the Doctor's office and says "Doctor, I've hiked all the way here from Springer Mountain and my right leg is killing me, can you take a look at it?"

"Sure," says the doc and he puts his stethoscope to the hiker's right shin bone. He hears a small voice say "Doc, can you lend me a quarter?"

Then he listens to the hiker's right knee and hears "Hey Doc, can you lend me a dollar?"

Then he puts the stethoscope to the hiker's right thigh and hears "Doc, can you lend me a twenty?"

The Doctor puts down the stethoscope and sighs, shaking his head gently from side to side.
The hiker says "Well, did you find out what's happened to my leg?"
The doc says "Yes; I really hate to tell you this, but your leg is broke in three places!

Mine Shaft

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

Sherlock Holmes Classic

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the fire dwindling nearby, Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".
Watson said "I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe.

Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow.

Why? - What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"
Holmes: "Someone stole our tent".

Keep Your Eyes Open

Two guys are out hiking. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

Women Hikers

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I've always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge." The other woman looks around and says, "well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!" The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holy Moly!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!" Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream. "Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection

Hiking Pun

While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock
which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the
rock was the following inscription: "If this lever is
pulled, the world will come to an end!" Nate wanted to pull
the lever and see what would happen, but Sam, being a
paranoid pessamist, greatly feared this! He said to Nate
that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him! In a
daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure enough,
Sam shot him! What is the moral of this story? Better Nate
than lever!


A friend of mine went to the doctor. The doctor looked at his chart and said, "I can't believe you're 95! You're in fantastic shape."

And my friend said, "I'm a backpacker. All that up and down hill hiking keeps me in shape."

And the doctor said, "How old was your father when he died?"

"Who said my father's dead!?!?"

"Well, how old is he?"

"He's 122."

"And where is he?"

"Out on the trail -- he didn't have a doctor's appointment today, so he though he'd get in 20 miles."

"Wow! How old was your grandfather when he died?"

"Who said my grandfather's dead!?!?"

"Well, how old is he?"

"He's 141."

"And where is he? Out on the trail?"

"No. He had to come into town to get married today."

"Why would a 141-year old man want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to get married.”

Regards,

Clark Fork in Western Montana "Where Seldom is Heard a Discouraging Word."

[Amigi'sLastStand]

Ok, not EXACTLY about hiking, but they are rednecks so its about outdoorsmen I suppose...


Redneck Special Forces

The Pentagon today announced the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces, forward know as USRSF. The Little Yellow bus of the US Military. These inbred Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Louisiana, and Texas good ‘ol boys will be dropped off in Iraq with shotguns and the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opens this Saturday
2. There is no need for a permit
3. They taste just like chicken
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, Ford, Dodge, Chevy OR Jesus
5. Their favorite movie is "Brokeback Mountain."
And worst of all....
6. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be resolved over the weekend

[Heater]

Ok, not EXACTLY about hiking, but they are rednecks so its about outdoorsmen I suppose...




You should make a lotta friends with THAT post! LOL! :rolleyes:

[Amigi'sLastStand]

You should make a lotta friends with THAT post! LOL! :rolleyes:
I am a redneck, and an ex soldier. I wanted to let Rock know that help was on the way!:banana

[mingo]

this is a true story. hikers are sitting around the picnic table at a shelter cooking dinner. they've all got raman noodles and they start debating which flavor is tastier. "cajun chicken," one says. "no, it's beef flavor," another contends. the third guy says, "what are you guys talking about? it all tastes the same." then he proceeds to open his raman package and take out the flavor pack and put it aside. turns out he thought the flavor pack was one of those things that are put into packages to keep it fresh and he was never putting it in his raman. hahahahaha

[Amigi'sLastStand]

this is a true story. hikers are sitting around the picnic table at a shelter cooking dinner. they've all got raman noodles and they start debating which flavor is tastier. "cajun chicken," one says. "no, it's beef flavor," another contends. the third guy says, "what are you guys talking about? it all tastes the same." then he proceeds to open his raman package and take out the flavor pack and put it aside. turns out he thought the flavor pack was one of those things that are put into packages to keep it fresh and he was never putting it in his raman. hahahahaha
Are you serious:confused: Was it Nick Lachey? Man, that's a Simpsonism if I ever heard one.

[Just Jeff]

They may know jihad, but they ain't never been YEEHAW'D!!

[Pennsylvania Rose]

'Nother true story:

We were sitting around a campfire at Spence Field Shelter with another couple. The guy was a know-it-all and had been telling us how to do things all night - our stove wasn't a good one, our packs weren't loaded right, we wouldn't get a fire started that way. As darkness fell he began to regale us with his knowledge of astronomy. He pointed out constellations, calling the Little Dipper the Big Dipper and finding the Southern Cross in the northeastern sky. My husband at the time, who has a minor in astronomy, just sat back and chuckled to himself. Then the guy started on planets. He got Venus right, and then pointed out Jupiter. As we watched, "Jupiter" streaked off into the night sky. He looked at us in dead earnest and said, "You know, Jupiter is one of our faster planets."

[Amigi'sLastStand]

'Nother true story:

We were sitting around a campfire at Spence Field Shelter with another couple. The guy was a know-it-all and had been telling us how to do things all night - our stove wasn't a good one, our packs weren't loaded right, we wouldn't get a fire started that way. As darkness fell he began to regale us with his knowledge of astronomy. He pointed out constellations, calling the Little Dipper the Big Dipper and finding the Southern Cross in the northeastern sky. My husband at the time, who has a minor in astronomy, just sat back and chuckled to himself. Then the guy started on planets. He got Venus right, and then pointed out Jupiter. As we watched, "Jupiter" streaked off into the night sky. He looked at us in dead earnest and said, "You know, Jupiter is one of our faster planets."
Great punchline. I almost peed my sweats!!!:D

[Footslogger]

Mushroom walks into the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender looks at him and says ..."we don't serve your kind in here"

Mushroom looks back at bartender and says ..."why not, I'm a FUNGHI (fun guy !!)

=================================

Horse walks into the bar and orders a drink.

Bartender looks at him and says ..."hey, why the long face ??"

=================================

'Slogger

[cannonball]

The difference between a thru hiker and a day hiker? The day hiker will step over the m&m on a trail while the thru hiker sees it as lunch.

[bigcranky]

The way I heard that one was, you can tell the kind of hiker by what they do with an M+M on the trail:

1. Day Hiker: steps over it
2. Section Hiker: picks it up, eats it, and keeps going
3. Thru Hiker: eats the M+M, then starts digging in the ground to see if there are any more.

[Skidsteer]

Ok, not EXACTLY about hiking, but they are rednecks so its about outdoorsmen I suppose...


Redneck Special Forces

...These inbred Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Louisiana, and Texas good ‘ol boys will be dropped off in Iraq with shotguns ....

You forgot Florida. :p

[Amigi'sLastStand]

You forgot Florida. :p
:mad: SHHHHHH!!!! Dang it, Skidtsteer. I told you, not to mention that. We're the Super Secret Redneck Special Forces.
Those terrorists also:

7. Diss Jimmy buffet every chance they get
8. Brought Toyota to Nascar
9. Made death threats to Jeff Foxworthy
10. And call pork patties CANADIEN ham. How much more northern can you get? Might as well tell me they all where Yankees hats, too.:p

[Nean]

Though I'm sure everyone already knows the difference between a hiker chick and a bowling ball.....;)

[Wonder]

PLEASE.......I need enlightenment!

[Skidsteer]

PLEASE.......I need enlightenment!

Are you sure you wanna know? :D

[Lone Wolf]

Though I'm sure everyone already knows the difference between a hiker chick and a bowling ball.....;)
The difference? You can only get 2 fingers in a drunk hiker chick?

[Skidsteer]

Mushroom walks into the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender looks at him and says ..."we don't serve your kind in here"

Mushroom looks back at bartender and says ..."why not, I'm a FUNGHI (fun guy !!)

=================================

Horse walks into the bar and orders a drink.

Bartender looks at him and says ..."hey, why the long face ??".

=================================

'Slogger


AAarrrgh! You did that on purpose.

[Heater]

AAarrrgh! You did that on purpose.

100 lemmings walk into a bar. Bang, ouch... bang, ouch... bang, ouch...

[Heater]

=================================

Horse walks into the bar and orders a drink.

Bartender looks at him and says ..."hey, why the long face ??"

=================================

'Slogger

I heard it was John Kerry.

John Kerry walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Bartender looks at hiom and says, "why the long face"? :D

[Skidsteer]

I heard it was John Kerry.

John Kerry walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Bartender looks at him and says, "why the long face"? :D

.....nice :D . But we'd better think of some hiking jokes quick to get this thread back on topic .

Lemmings come closer to that than John Kerry, at any rate. ;)

Oh dammit! I just equated hikers with Lemmings and non-hikers by implication with John Kerry. I'm just pissin' everybody off. :rolleyes:

[Skidsteer]

Q: How do you tell the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear?
A: When you see the bear, climb a tree. If it climbs up the tree and kills you, it's a black bear. If it knocks the tree down and kills you, it's a grizzly bear.
================================================== ==

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

================================================== ===

This one's been posted before but Oh Well:

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge
towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on
the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right
on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his
right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..." Time stopped.
The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the
forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both
paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord Amen."

================================================== ===

And a non-bear joke to finish:

An American was backpacking across the highlands, when he came across a small village where he decided to spend the night.

Upon entering the local pub that evening for some drinks with the locals, he found himself in a conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant individual.

"Ya see that fence out there?" The old man asked the backpacker. "I built that fence with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the fence builder? No!"

"And that church out there. I hoisted the bell up to the top with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the church builder? No!"

And that bridge. I put it together stone by stone. But ya think they call me MacGregor the bridge builder? No!"

"But ya screw one goat..."

[K0OPG]

Two hikers out for a wekend trip. It finally comes to the bathroom (tree) break. The first hiker lowers his shorts and sits on the edge of a log and commences to do his business. all of the sudden the second hiker hears the first screaming. The 2nd hiker runs over and asks what's wrong. the first hiker says a snake has bitten him on his privates. He tells his friend to go get help.

the hiker gets to town, finds the doctor and asks "Doc, my friend was just bitten by a snake. what do i do"? the doctor tells him to make an incision between the two fang marks and suck out the venom.

He gets back to his buddy and his buddy asks, "what did the doctor say?" His friend states "doc says your gonna die man".

[bfitz]

Didja hear about the paraplegic guy who hiked the AT?

He said it was a drag...

[bugbomb]

A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor go out hiking one day. They come across a beautiful clear pond and decide to go skinny-dipping. After cooling off, they relax on a large flat rock before putting their clothes back on. However, a group of day-hikers comes strolling up. Fearful that these people might be members of one of their congregations, the pastor and the priest cover their privates and rush into the underbrush. The rabbi follows them, but moves more slowly because he covers his face with his hands.

Once they are safely concealed, the priest and the pastor ask the rabbi, "why did you cover your face instead of your privates?" The rabbi responded, "What part of your body would your congregation recognize?"

Ben

[sum41punk91]

You forgot Florida. :p


only parts of florida... im in central florida and the only parts here are pinellas park... but northern florida is pretty hickish

[fiddlehead]

Spike Mulligan was the author of the funniest joke ever, scientists say.
A Mulligan joke from an old BBC show was the most popular of 40,000 jokes submitted and voted on over the internet by 300,000 people from 60 nations.

Here's the joke as displayed on www.laughlab.co.uk/winner.html which did the scientific study:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods (on the AT of course) when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ''My friend is dead! What can I do?'' The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ''Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.''

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.

He says: ''OK, now what?''

[Skidsteer]

Spike Mulligan was the author of the funniest joke ever, scientists say.
A Mulligan joke from an old BBC show was the most popular of 40,000 jokes submitted and voted on over the internet by 300,000 people from 60 nations.

Here's the joke as displayed on www.laughlab.co.uk/winner.html (http://www.laughlab.co.uk/winner.html) which did the scientific study:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods (on the AT of course) when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ''My friend is dead! What can I do?'' The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ''Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.''

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.

He says: ''OK, now what?''





I love it but it needs a dog in there somewhere.

Here's the WB version:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods (on the AT of course) when one of them falls to the ground after being attacked by an unleashed, uncontrolled, inconsiderate hiker's dog.

He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ''My friend is dead! What can I do?'' The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ''Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.''

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.

He says: ''OK, now what?''

[fiddlehead]

You're right!
That's much better.

[Just Jeff]

Yeah, but somebody has to kill the cell phone guy with a hiking pole. Preferably a naked hiker who snores.

[corentin]

A guy with a cell phone , a dog , and a guy who snores all walk onto the AT....

[Just Jeff]

...and the bear falls to his knees to thank God for the bounty he's about to receive...

[SGT Rock]

How about this:

Three guys are hiking the AT. A hiker with a dog, a hiker with a cell phone, and a hiker with some trekking poles. One day they are walking down the trail and find a bottle of beer at a trail crossing - assuming it is the last of some trail magic, they agree to split whatever is inside. When they open the bottle a genie comes out and says "I was trapped in that bottle by Lone Wolf at the last trail days and appriciate you letting me out. I will grant three wishes". Well, since the three guys had agreed to split whatever was inside, they each decide to take one wish...

The cell phone guy says "Genie, I have been lugging this cell phone up the AT and haven't had service in months. Put me somewhere that gets good service!"

Grated says the Genie and POOF! the hiker disapears. Magically sent somewhere else to get reception

The dog hiker steps up next and says "Genie, poor Fido here has walked his feet until they are raw, he is hot and can't cool off unless he rolls around in the water sources pissing off other hikers, and then he gets mud all over their stuff. To top it all off they hate when he begs for food at the shelters and barks at the wildlife! Poor Fido can't even pee on a bush without offending someone. Send me and Fido where others really appriciate us!"

"Granted!" says the genie and POOF! They magically disapear to go somewhere else where dogs can be free.

The last hiker looks at the genie and says "Let me get this straight, the cell phone guy is gone, and the dog and his master ain't here either.... How about putting the beer back in this bottle."

[bogey]

How about this:

Three guys are hiking the AT. A hiker with a dog, a hiker with a cell phone, and a hiker with some trekking poles. One day they are walking down the trail and find a bottle of beer at a trail crossing - assuming it is the last of some trail magic, they agree to split whatever is inside. When they open the bottle a genie comes out and says "I was trapped in that bottle by Lone Wolf at the last trail days and appriciate you letting me out. I will grant three wishes". Well, since the three guys had agreed to split whatever was inside, they each decide to take one wish...

The cell phone guy says "Genie, I have been lugging this cell phone up the AT and haven't had service in months. Put me somewhere that gets good service!"

Grated says the Genie and POOF! the hiker disapears. Magically sent somewhere else to get reception

The dog hiker steps up next and says "Genie, poor Fido here has walked his feet until they are raw, he is hot and can't cool off unless he rolls around in the water sources pissing off other hikers, and then he gets mud all over their stuff. To top it all off they hate when he begs for food at the shelters and barks at the wildlife! Poor Fido can't even pee on a bush without offending someone. Send me and Fido where others really appriciate us!"

"Granted!" says the genie and POOF! They magically disapear to go somewhere else where dogs can be free.

The last hiker looks at the genie and says "Let me get this straight, the cell phone guy is gone, and the dog and his master ain't here either.... How about putting the beer back in this bottle."

Now THAT was good!

[Just Jeff]

Good job, Rock!

[SGT Rock]

Thanks, I thought that one up this morning as I was getting ready for a patrol. I owe inspiration to the movie "Boondock Saints"

[SGT Rock]

How about this one:

Several hikers are in a shelter on the AT. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the shelter stops to listen.


MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you having a good time on the trail?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other hikers in the shelter are looking at him with a mixture of annoyance and astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Dances with Mice]

Two male hikers were undressing in the shelter. One noticed the other was wearing panty hose.

“Why are you wearing those?!”
“Because they keep my legs warm.”
“Wow, I never would have thought of that. How long have you been using them?”
“Since my wife found them in my backpack.”

[Alligator]

An old and young hiker are wlaking along in Yellowstone, when the young hiker stops, drops his pack and pulls out his cell phone.
"Yeah babe, having fun."
"No, paint it blue."
"Ok, I'll call you at dinner."
The old guy just stands there scratching his head, "How'd you know there was a call?"

"I've got the new Mosquito ring tone. Old farts like you can't hear it."
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/12/technology/12ring.html
"Listen, I'll play it again." This time, the old fellow takes off at a sprint.

Chuckling, the young hiker calls out "Heard it that time did ya you old geezer!"


"NO, BUT MY EYES ARE STILL GOOD ENOUGH TO SEE THAT PACK OF WOLVES!"

[sum41punk91]

Thanks, I thought that one up this morning as I was getting ready for a patrol. I owe inspiration to the movie "Boondock Saints"


Man rock that was like best movie in the world... throughout the whole joke i was thinking boondock saints........."ill have a coke"

[SGT Rock]

Man rock that was like best movie in the world... throughout the whole joke i was thinking boondock saints........."ill have a coke"

Well I had to modify it for us hikers, and since there was already an expectation for beer...

[sum41punk91]

BLONDE CAMPING



Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. So, she got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."
Sally replied, "I can't understand that. Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."


Setting Up Camp The loaded mini-van pulled into the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system -- no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

a few short ones
A camper found himself bothered by mosquitoes during the first
day at camp.
At night he saw some fireflies and said, "Now they're coming
after me with flashlights!"

A counselor was helping his charges put their stuff away on their
first morning in camp. He was surprised to see that one youngster
had an umbrella.
The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella?"
The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"

[SargeAT]

This is not a joke, but a funny bit of information regarding the effect altitude has on alcoholic beverages...

Hikers dont get drunk, they go straight to hangover.

[frieden]

What's the differance between a homless person and a thru-hiker? Gortex!

Hahaha! :D So true, so true....

[blackbishop351]

'Nother true story:

We were sitting around a campfire at Spence Field Shelter with another couple. The guy was a know-it-all and had been telling us how to do things all night - our stove wasn't a good one, our packs weren't loaded right, we wouldn't get a fire started that way. As darkness fell he began to regale us with his knowledge of astronomy. He pointed out constellations, calling the Little Dipper the Big Dipper and finding the Southern Cross in the northeastern sky. My husband at the time, who has a minor in astronomy, just sat back and chuckled to himself. Then the guy started on planets. He got Venus right, and then pointed out Jupiter. As we watched, "Jupiter" streaked off into the night sky. He looked at us in dead earnest and said, "You know, Jupiter is one of our faster planets."

LMAO!! I'm going to send that to my dept. head. For those of you who haven't caught this yet, I'm a physics major and my dept. head is an astrophysicist.

[Ridge]

Pessimist and a dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

[Ridge]

Two best friends decide to take a camping trip for a week in the mountains. After three days, they want to kill each other.

So, Bob says, "Why don't we split up for the day. You go up to the north and I'll go down to the south." Al agrees it's a good idea to split up.

After the day is over they meet back at the campfire to discuss the days events. Al goes first. "I had a beautiful day, Bob. I walked to the to top of the hill, found a pond and decided to sunbath there for the day. I saw a deer and it's baby drink out of the pond, a bear and it's cub playing in the grass. It was beautiful. How was your day?"

"Well, AL, it was sort of the same. I walked down to the bottom of the mountain and followed these train tracks when all of a sudden I found a gorgeous woman tied to the tracks. I untied her, gently picked her up and we made passionate love all day long."

All excited now, Al asks "Was she a Blonde?"

"I don't know.....I couldn't find her head!!!"
http://bbs.clubplanet.com/images/statusicon/user_offline.gif

[One Leg]

I may've repeated this one elsewhere on WB, but it's worth repeating here...

Well known attorney Bruce Harvey from Atlanta comes to Tennessee to do some duck hunting. While in the woods, he spots an airborn duck, takes aim, fires, and watches as the duck falls into the cowfield of a nearby farm.

Meanwhile, there's an old farmer on a tractor taking a bale of hay to the cows. He sees the duck fall, stops his tractor, and mosey's over to the dead duck. As he's standing over the duck, he looks off into the distance and sees Bruce Harvey crawl through the barbed wire fence and start walking toward him.

Hey there old timer, I'm here to get my duck, says Bruce Harvey.

Duck? Yee-uns ain't got no duck over here replies the old farmer.

Sir, I shot a duck as it was flying, and it fell. It's rightfully my duck. says Bruce Harvey.

Yee-uns might've shot the duck, but it landed here, so it's mine. said the farmer.

Do you know who I am? I'm Bruce Harvey, attorney from Atlanta. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you and have your whole farm. said the lawyer.

Chuckling, the old man said Boy, we-unses don't handle small things such as this in court. We-unses use the 3-kick rule. Yee-uns ever heered of that?

Can't say as I have. answered the lawyer.

Well, here's what we-uns do. We-uns kick each other 3 times till one of us gives up. Since the offense happened on my land, I get to go first. And we-uns keep going back and forth till one of us gives in. explained the farmer.

Sizing the old guy up, the lawyer figured that he had him. After all, the old fellow was past 80 years of age, he appeared to be feeble. How hard could he kick?

Ok old man, you're on. said the lawyer.

The old man walked over and planted the toe of his cowboy boots directly into the attorney's gonads, sending him to his knees. The second kick found its' way to his stomach, causing him to regurgitate his morning breakfast. Walking behind the attorney, the farmer's third, and final, kick sent the attorney face first into a fresh cowpile.

Getting to his feet, wiping dung from his eyes, the attorney said Ok, you old fart, now it's your turn.

Oh no sir, I give up. said the old farmer...

[One Leg]

A hiker comes upon a trail town with a bar.

He goes into the bar, and there's a forelorn gentleman at the bar, staring at a small man playing a minature piano on the bar.

"Hey, that's cute. Where'd you get it?" asked the hiker.

"There's a Genie out front, he gave it to me." said the forelorn gentleman.

So, the hiker steps outside of the bar. Sure enough, standing on the sidewalk was a genie.

"Hey, I hear you're giving out wishes," said the hiker.

"Yep, that's true," answered the genie. "You only get one wish, and no wishing for more wishes."

"This one's easy." answered the hiker. "I want a million bucks."

"Allah varammy zeen shally boo hally bah. So it is done, my friend, your wish is granted." said the genie.

So, the hiker reenters the bar, and there's all these ducks all over the place. There were so many that he even stepped on a couple. Finally, he reached the bar where the little pianoman was still playing, and the forelorn gentleman was still sitting.

"Hey dude, I think there's something wrong with that genie. I asked for a million bucks, and instead, there're ducks all over the place." said the hiker.

"Well, do you honestly think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" answered the forelorn gentleman.

[txulrich]

Oh no sir, I give up. said the old farmer...

I don't care who ya are, that ther is funny!!

[erslyman]

Cell phones on hiking trips. Funny. Enjoyed it.

Wish I could leave my behind. The bears and the skunks might appreciate it more than me.

[Amigi'sLastStand]

Ok, breaking the thread rule of joke being about the outdoors, but I thought this one was too funny:

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband and promised I would be home by midnight. "Midnight?" he asked. "By midnight", I said.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas when down too easy. Around 3am I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock on the wall started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly, I realized my husband would wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a conflict with him.

Even totally smashed, I could figure out that 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equals 12 cuckoos equals MIDNIGHT!! "Way to go girl!" I congradulated myself.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I sheepishly replied "midnight, honey". He didnt seem ticked off at all. "Whew! Got away with that one," I thought to myself.

The he siad, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

"Why?", I asked.

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times. Then it said 'oh, shiit'. It cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed three more times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[Frolicking Dinosaurs]

Since we off the trail for now... a true story about my son's pet iguana.

A decade ago, my then teenage son's young iguana, Lilly, was roughly four feet long and quite docile. She had long since outgrown the need for a cage and roamed freely in the house. She spent most of her time lying on a sturdy drapery rod sunning in an overhead window in my foyer.

One day as I was fixing Lilly's lunch of greens, chopped fruits and veggies (something she was keenly aware was happening) there came a knock at my door. It was an elderly couple from one of those faiths known for going to door to door to pass out literature. As they stood in my doorway, a torrential downpour with thunder and lightening erupted so I invited them to come inside until it let up.

The lady was wearing a straw hat decorated with fake greenery, flowers and fruit. I guess Lilly thought the hat was her lunch because she sailed off the drapery rod onto the woman's head. The woman screamed and the man attempted to grab Lilly who beat him frantically with her tail, clawed him and finally bit him, hissing all the while. Lilly jumped from the man's grasp with her claws still tangled in the hat. She ran down the hallway with the hat over most of her body and her tail dragging behind.

The couple bolted out the door. Twenty minutes later the police and animal control showed up and said they had a report I was keeping an attack snake.

[Gray Blazer]

only parts of florida... im in central florida and the only parts here are pinellas park... but northern florida is pretty hickish

HEY!!...I resemble that remark!

When I grew uo in Clearwter, people from Largo were called 'farmers' and Pinellas Park was one big cow pasture.;)

[Pacific Tortuga]

L. Wolf and Baltimore Jack went on a camping trip. Some hours later, L. Wolf awoke and nudged B. Jack his faithful friend. " Jack.......look up at the sky and tell me what you see." B. Jack replied: " I see a million stars." "What does that tell you ?" :confused: L. Wolf questioned ? Baltimore Jack pondered :-? for a minute ...... then replied , " Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentionally billions of planets. Astrologically I observe Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meterologically, I suspect that tomorrow will be a :sun beautiful day." "What does it tell you Wolf ?" Jack asked. Wolf was silent for a moment .... and then spoke, " Jack you jackass .....someone has stolen our tarp." :eek:

[Jack Tarlin]

That was pretty damned funny, tho the idea of tarping with Wolf is sorta scary.

[SGT Rock]

Yes and I think you got that backwards. LWolf would never say twit. That would be Jack.

[bfitz]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want." So he tied her up and went hiking.

[RockyTrail]

L. Wolf and Baltimore Jack went on a camping trip. Some hours later, L. Wolf awoke and nudged B. Jack his faithful friend. " Jack.......look up at the sky and tell me what you see." B. Jack replied: " I see a million stars." "What does that tell you ?" :confused: L. Wolf questioned ? Baltimore Jack pondered :-? for a minute ...... then replied , " Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentionally billions of planets. Astrologically I observe Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meterologically, I suspect that tomorrow will be a :sun beautiful day." "What does it tell you Wolf ?" Jack asked. Wolf was silent for a moment .... and then spoke, " Jack you jackass .....someone has stolen our tarp."

That's a re-hash of an old Sherlock Holmes and Mr Watson joke, (but without the tension of LW and Jack:D )

[frieden]

Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

He became known as a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

[Amigi'sLastStand]

That is cool, frieden! Gotta be in your thirties at least to get it. Was that a Disney movie?

[Skidsteer]

That is cool, frieden! Gotta be in your thirties at least to get it. Was that a Disney movie?

Yep. 'Mary Poppins'

[saimyoji]

That is cool, frieden! Gotta be in your thirties at least to get it. Was that a Disney movie?

You're in your 30's and didn't know this was Mary Poppins? :eek:

Can you at least name the Simpsons character taken from Mary Poppins?

[frieden]

Wow, I wondered how long it would take people to get the Mary Poppins reference. Good job! Yep, we're old.

[RockyTrail]

Mary Poppins no problem, but who are the Simpsons?

[Bravo]

Wow, I wondered how long it would take people to get the Mary Poppins reference. Good job! Yep, we're old.

24 and got the joke right away. I guess I'm old too. HaHa.

[ed bell]

I remember humorous backpacking story that I read online a few years ago. Not sure of the author, but I think I read it on the old hobocentral.com site. It used the evening ritual of stove/meal preparation to describe a steamy shelter fantasy. Not exactly R rated, but right on the edge. Very funny stuff. Anyone have a clue about this?

[Tin Man]

A hunter is crying over his dead friend. Another hunter happens along and asks, "what happened?" The first hunter says, "I mistook my friend for a deer and shot him by mistake". The second hunter looks over the dead hunter and says, "that was a flesh wound! He would have lived if you hadn't gutted him!"

[RadioFreq]

A NOBO Scottish thruhiker decides to take a nap on the AT one afternoon. So he drops his pack, lays back against a tree next to the trail and falls into a deep, deep sleep. A short while later two SOBO female thruhikers come along. They stop and after noticing the hiking kilt the man is wearing the following conversation ensues:

"I wonder if it's true."

"You wonder if what's true?"

"That they really don't wear anything under their kilts."

"Well why don't you look."

"Okay"

So the first woman bends over, gently lifts the kilt and reveals that the man really is wearing nothing under his kilt. She puts the kilt back down and they both stand there giggling softly. Then, snickering, the first woman says,

"I have a great idea."

"What's that?"

"Why don't I take this blue ribbon out of my hair and tie it around his, uh, thing?"

"Go for it, girl!"

So she takes the blue ribbon out of her hair, lifts the kilt and ties a lovely bow. Then she puts the kilt back in place and they go off down the trail laughing their asses off.

A while later the Scottish thruhiker awakens and immediately realizes that everything is not as it should be. He lifts his kilt, spies the blue ribbon and says,

"Aye, laddie, I don't know where ya been, but I'm a glad ya took first prize."

[Wolf - 23000]

Baltimore Jack hiking ultra-light. That would be a sight to see.

Wolf

[bfitz]

A NOBO Scottish thruhiker decides to take a nap on the AT one afternoon. So he drops his pack, lays back against a tree next to the trail and falls into a deep, deep sleep. A short while later two SOBO female thruhikers come along. They stop and after noticing the hiking kilt the man is wearing the following conversation ensues:

"I wonder if it's true."

"You wonder if what's true?"

"That they really don't wear anything under their kilts."

"Well why don't you look."

"Okay"

So the first woman bends over, gently lifts the kilt and reveals that the man really is wearing nothing under his kilt. She puts the kilt back down and they both stand there giggling softly. Then, snickering, the first woman says,

"I have a great idea."

"What's that?"

"Why don't I take this blue ribbon out of my hair and tie it around his, uh, thing?"

"Go for it, girl!"

So she takes the blue ribbon out of her hair, lifts the kilt and ties a lovely bow. Then she puts the kilt back in place and they go off down the trail laughing their asses off.

A while later the Scottish thruhiker awakens and immediately realizes that everything is not as it should be. He lifts his kilt, spies the blue ribbon and says,

"Aye, laddie, I don't know where ya been, but I'm a glad ya took first prize."
There is a fine hiking song about that story that also won first prize...I wonder if Jester would post the lyrics?

[Gray Blazer]

Amigi, did you get my PM? Was that joke too disgusting to post?

[bfitz]

Amigi, did you get my PM? Was that joke too disgusting to post?
If you have to ask...

[jlb2012]

There is a fine hiking song about that story that also won first prize...I wonder if Jester would post the lyrics?

Here are the lyrics to the song version: http://www.thebards.net/music/lyrics/The_Scotsman.shtml

[Gray Blazer]

If you have to ask...

Alright, for those of you who don't have me on your ignore list and for those of you about to add me to your ignore list, here goes.....These two hikers were sitting in a shelter after a long day of hiking. They were watching the one hiker's dog.......I can't do it!:rolleyes:

[Frolicking Dinosaurs]

Gray Blazer, you are a tease :p

[Gray Blazer]

Gray Blazer, you are a tease :p

Do you still respect me? :-? I think all the ladies would hate me if I told that one? :eek: I promise I'll come up with another one.:rolleyes:

[Creek Dancer]

Do you still respect me? :-? I think all the ladies would hate me if I told that one? :eek: I promise I'll come up with another one.:rolleyes:

Oh c'mon. I could use a good giggle this morning!

[Gray Blazer]

Oh c'mon. I could use a good giggle this morning!

Alright, I warned you. Kids, cover your eyes. Spanish kids, cover your eye, eye, eyes.

These two hikers were resting at the shelter after a long day of hiking. They were watching the one hiker's dog lick it's private parts. The one hiker said, "Gee, I wish I could do that." The dog's owner said, "If you ask him, maybe he'll let you."

There, now I've ruined my reputation forever. (As if I ever had one.):D

[sirbingo]

A guy goes to a physiatrist cuz he thinks he is going crazy.

He says “Doc, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Some times I think I’m a wigwam and some times I think I’m a tepee?!?”

The Doctor things for a moment :-? and then says “I’ve figured it out!...The problem is you’re two tents!”

Get it? two tents…too tense. Bwa ha hahahahahah :D

[Creek Dancer]

GRAY, I AM SHOCKED AT YOUR AUDACITY!

LMAO. That was funny.

[K0OPG]

Hey Gray Blazer...to go along with your joke...

Why does a dog lick his privates? Cause he can!!!

[the goat]

These two hikers were resting at the shelter after a long day of hiking. They were watching the one hiker's dog lick it's private parts. The one hiker said, "Gee, I wish I could do that." The dog's owner said, "If you ask him, maybe he'll let you."

one of those hikers wasn't Ridge, was it?:eek: :D

[Frolicking Dinosaurs]

I still respect you, Gray Blazer. All us ladies are aware that men wish they could be dogs at times. Now y'all can wonder if we feel the same way. :D

[Gray Blazer]

I still respect you, Gray Blazer. All us ladies are aware that men wish they could be dogs at times. Now y'all can wonder if we feel the same way. :D

Thanks, now you've got me laughing!:sun

[Just Jeff]

Laughing? I was pondering...

[Gaiter]

I heard this joke while hiking this summer.

How to tell your blind date is an AT thru-hiker
- doesn't mind hitchhiking to the movie theatre
- serves ramen for dinner
- rides around picks up some homeless people and yall all sleep on the back porch
- at the end of the night he/she hangs their food bag on the chandelier!

there was one more thing, but i can't remember.
Hanna

[hiker5]

Can you at least name the Simpsons character taken from Mary Poppins?

Are you refering to Sherry Bobbins? I can assure she was a completely original character like Ricky Rouse or Monald Muck.

[atraildreamer]

Too funny not to pass on...


The Dog and the Jeep
1999 Urban Legend

A fellow from Michigan buys himself a brand-new $30,000 Jeep Grand Cherokee for Christmas. He goes down to his favorite bar and celebrates by tossing down a few too many brews with his buddies. In one of those male-bonding rituals, five of them decide to take his new vehicle for a test drive on a duck hunting expedition. They load up the Jeep with the dog, the guns, the decoys, and the beer, and head out to a nearby lake.

Now, it's the dead of winter, and of course the lake is frozen, so they need to make a hole in the ice to create a natural landing area for the ducks and decoys. It is common practice in Michigan to drive your vehicle out onto the frozen lake, and it is also common (if slightly illegal) to make a hole in the ice using dynamite. Our fellows have nothing to worry about on that score, because one member of the party works for a construction team, and happens to have brought some dynamite along. The stick has a short 20-second fuse.

The group is ready for some action. They're all set up. Their shotguns are loaded with duck pellets, and they have beer, warm clothes and a hunting dog. Still chugging down a seemingly bottomless supply of six-packs, the group considers how to safely dynamite a hole through the ice. One of these rocket scientists points out that the dynamite should explode at a location far from where they are standing. Another notes the risk of slipping on the ice when running away from a burning fuse. So they eventually settle on a plan to light the fuse and throw the dynamite out onto the ice.

There is a bit of contention over who has the best throwing arm, and eventually the owner of the Jeep wins that honor. Once that question is settled, he walks about 20 feet further out onto the ice and holds the stick of dynamite at the ready while one of his companions lights the fuse with a Zippo. As soon as he hears the fuse sizzle, he hurls it across the ice at a great velocity and runs in the other direction.

Unfortunately, a member of another species spots his master's arm motions and comes to an instinctive decision. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog? Yes, the dog: a trained Black Labrador, born and bred for retrieving, especially things thrown by his owner. As soon as the stick leaves his hand, the dog sprints across the ice, hell-bent on wrapping his jaws around the enticing stick-shaped object.

Five frantic fellows immediately begin hollering at the dog, trying to get him to stop chasing the dynamite. Their cries fall on deaf ears. Before you know it, the retriever is headed back to his owner, proudly carrying the stick of dynamite with the burning 20-second fuse. The group continues to yell and wave their arms while the happy dog trots towards them. In a desperate act, its master grabs his shotgun and fires at his own dog.

The gun is loaded with duck shot, and confuses the dog more than it hurts him. Bewildered, he continues towards his master, who shoots at man's best friend again. Finally comprehending that his owner has become insane, the dog runs for cover with his tail between his legs. And the nearest cover is right under the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee.

Boom! The dog and the Jeep are blown to bits, and sink to the bottom of the lake, leaving a large ice hole in their wake. The stranded men stand staring at the water with stupid looks on their faces, and the owner of the Jeep is left to explain the misadventure to his insurance company. Needless to say, they determined that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered under their policy, and the owner is still making $400 monthly payments on his brand-new Jeep at the bottom of the lake.

DarwinAwards.com © 1994 - 2006

[Pacific Tortuga]

An older thru-hiking couple were about 1,725 miles on their journey when

(Old Dude) started really feeling run down while aching over his joints,

muscels and generally all over. ODs wife (Spring Chicken) said, "it is only

about a mile to Happy Hill Shelter, lets stay there and see how you feel in

the morning." " What juew say hun ? " asked OD, he was a little deaf.

"Have you found any ticks on ya ?" asked SC. " NO, not as of late "

OD responded. The next day SC asked OD how he was ? Things were

getting worse so they decided to go into Hanover 7 miles away to the

Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center and have him looked at. They had

to change out their summer gear to winter gear and planned on taking some

zero's anyway. OD had a number of tests ran on him. As OD and SC sat in

the waiting room the doc came out and said, "it all looks normal we'll get

your blood tests back tomorrow, all I need is a stool and urine sample and

your good to go." That was good news to SC but OD turned to her and

said, " what that young feller say ?" Spring

Chicken turned to him and said, " He needs a pair of your hiking shorts"

[Skidsteer]

Pretty funny PT!

[StarLyte]

The joke is......

we're at the Pa Ruck,---it's almost time for that big Saturday night dinner, the regulars (http://gallery.backcountry.net/PA-Ruck-2006/HPIM2556) were there......

we're late getting dinner out on the buffet because folks (http://gallery.backcountry.net/PA-Ruck-2006/PaRuck_06_254) keep showing up with dishes that have to be cooked.......

we told everyone that dinner would be ready at 5pm, but it's already 6pm......

now people are sweating, and they're standing (http://gallery.backcountry.net/PA-Ruck-2006/PaRuck_06_304) in the dinner line (http://gallery.backcountry.net/PA-Ruck-2006/HPIM2506) at the doorway (http://gallery.backcountry.net/PA-Ruck-2006/PaRuck_06_298) to the kitchen at the hostel.......

Myself, "That Guy (http://gallery.backcountry.net/PA-Ruck-2006/HPIM2526)", Tricks (http://gallery.backcountry.net/PA-Ruck-2006/PaRuck_06_052) and Lone Wolf (http://gallery.backcountry.net/PA-Ruck-2006/PaRuck_06_045) are kicking butt trying to get this work done......Oh my God, the clock reads 6:40 p.m........dinner isn't ready yet......

I look up to see the Tricks (http://gallery.backcountry.net/PA-Ruck-2006/PaRuck_06_043) was moving the clock ahead .....:D

[Ridgerunner50]

Last year, we were down in the Smokys at the Big Creek camping area when a Park Ranger stopped by to chat. There had been a recent bear confrontation that had deadly results. We had been hiking in an area that has one of the highest concentrations of black bears in the Smokys but had not seen any in that area for the last three years. I told the ranger that my one hiking buddy always brings his bear mace. He told us that black bears usually do not bother humans and usually try to avoid them and that alot of hikers wear those little bear bells to warn the bears that humans are approaching. He went on to tell us that the Grizzly bears are much more dangerous and unpredictible than the black bear. He said that there are areas out west where their territories acutally cross. Then he went on to ask us if we could tell the difference between Grizzly and Black bear scat if we came upon some. We figured the grizzlies would be bigger but he went on to tell us that the black bear scat has remnents of berries and leaves and twigs and that the Grizzly bears scat contains all those items plus... little silver bells!

:banana

[mudhead]

Hey Gray Blazer...to go along with your joke...

Why does a dog lick his privates? Cause he can!!!



Because he knows that in a half an hour, he's gonna lick your face.

[atraildreamer]

The indians of a local tribe asked their chief if it was going to be a cold winter. The chief didn't know so he said, "Yes, it's going to be a cold winter." Being a good chief, he called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going to be a cold winter?" The guy said, "Yes, it's going to be a cold winter." The chief then tells his tribe to gather more wood as its going to be a cold winter. The chief calls the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going to be a REALLY cold winter?" The guys said, "Yes, its going to be cold." The chief then tells his tribe to pick up the wood gathering process and calls the National Weather Service and asks, "Is it going to be a REALLY REALLY cold winter? The guy says, "Yes. The Indians are gathering firewood like crazy." :eek:
--------------
Thru-hikers don't die, they just smell that way. :bse
----------------
How many Paris Hiltons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. She grabs hold, and the world revolves around her.
(I know, it's not hiking related, but it was too good to pass up!) :D
-------
What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back? A stick. :banana

[Disney]

Jesus, Moses, and Baltimore Jack are hiking the AT when they come to a massive river. Jesus doesn't hesitate, steps out onto the water and calmly walks across to the other side. He turns and looks back at the other two. Moses raises his leki poles to the sky and the water parts. Moses walks on dry land and then turns back to watch the river continue it's normal course. Jack pulls out a flask, takes a swig of rotgut whiskey, lights up an unfiltered camel and says: "that's really impressive guys, but the trail goes this way."

[Whitefish]

NO JOKE TRUE STORY, my friends and I camped one night about three years back on top of bloody. We were up there for just one night. We got back to the car and my friends goes, "there is a skunk in the car" I say quite the BS'in. Turned out a skunk got in the car somehow while we were getting ready to start the hike, attracted by some food. Long story short it sprayed in the car and we had a 6 hour drive back home in a car that was sprayed by a skunk ON THE INSIDE. So we drank and smoked the whole way back driving 75 thinking that if we did get pulled over the cop would not be able to smell alcohol if he even had the guts to approach the car. Longest car ride of my life!

[RockStar]

NO JOKE TRUE STORY, my friends and I camped one night about three years back on top of bloody. We were up there for just one night. We got back to the car and my friends goes, "there is a skunk in the car" I say quite the BS'in. Turned out a skunk got in the car somehow while we were getting ready to start the hike, attracted by some food. Long story short it sprayed in the car and we had a 6 hour drive back home in a car that was sprayed by a skunk ON THE INSIDE. So we drank and smoked the whole way back driving 75 thinking that if we did get pulled over the cop would not be able to smell alcohol if he even had the guts to approach the car. Longest car ride of my life!



Now THATS funny!:D Poor dears!:o

[Lion King]

A Bear walks into the Doyle and approaches the bar..

The Bartender says
"Hey there, what can I do for you?"

The Bear says
"Hey, can I have one............................................
.................................................. .....................





.................................................. ............Vodka and OJ?"

The bartender says
"Why the big pause?" (Paws)

Thank you, Ill be here all week.

[pixtake]

Ham and cheese sandwich walks in to a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

[cyou299]

A man goes off hunting bear. He has a small one lined up in his sights when he feels a tap on his shoulder, turns and sees a giant papa bear. Papa bear says, look I can either eat you or I can have my way with you, what will it be. The hunter, left with no choice suffers the pain and humiliation. A year later the hunter is back for revenge. He can't find papa bear but he sees a small one so he lines up his shot. Again a tap on the shoulder, again the pain and suffering. The next year he is determined to exact his revenge on that bear. He goes to the woods again and can't find papa bear, but just when he lines up a shot at a smaller bear he feels that dreadful tap. Papa bear winks at him and says, "Let's be honest, we're not here for the hunting are we."

[Fiddler]

A few of us were sitting around the campfire one night. I was reading a poetry book. A young lady hiker looked over and said "Is that a good book?" I said "Yes it is." A few seconds later I looked over at her and asked "Do you like Kipling?" She smiled and blushed, and replied "I don't know, I've never Kippled."

[josiblue]

A few of us were sitting around the campfire one night. I was reading a poetry book. A young lady hiker looked over and said "Is that a good book?" I said "Yes it is." A few seconds later I looked over at her and asked "Do you like Kipling?" She smiled and blushed, and replied "I don't know, I've never Kippled."

now, that's good stuff. reminds me of a pony my grandpa had when he was about my age now. of course, i am sure some of it is hyperbolic nostalgia on my dear old gramp's part, but he would swear that he had taught his horse to count. later he tried tried teaching it other things, music, geography, chemistry, and the horse learned it all and could answer simple multiple choice style questions... but he could never quite grasp philosophy for some reason. My grandpa always said that it just goes to show, you can't Des'carte before the horse.

~josi

[kayak karl]

I thought I'd find a hiker joke section here, but no. So let's start one. Jokes must be about hiking, kayaking, hunting, fishing; any joke that has to do with the outdoors.
Let's here em.

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

[Wise Old Owl]

NO JOKE- walking up the trail and running into me....

[mkmangold]

Q: How long does it take for a surrealistic painter to paint a sunset on the AT?
A: Fish.

[woodsy]

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hiking hillbillies walk into a restaurant.


Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough...
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress..
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[whistle dixie]

a guy walks into a bar in maine after being on the a.t. he says"let me get a beer fellar." the bartender says "where you from stranger." the guys says " i'm from kentucky." the bartender says" kentucky what the hell is there to do in kentucky"
the guy looks at him and says " well we hunt and we screw." the bartender says "what do you hunt in kentucky." the confused kentucky hicker looks at him and says "something to screw of course!"

__________________________________________________ ________________________

we all gotta hillbilly bone down deep inside.

[Rockhound]

Two grizzly bears are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?".

[Old Hiker]

3 legged bear walks into a bar, orders a beer and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[Old Hiker]

Didja hear about the paraplegic guy who hiked the AT?

He said it was a drag...

What about the 1-legged girl hiker who did a thru? I think her name was Eileen.

[Old Hiker]

The Iranians came up to a large sand dune after the start of the next Iranian war. Over on the other side, they heard a moaning: I'm an AT hiker and I've lost my way. The Iranian commander sends 10 men over the sand dune to deal with the infidel. After several seconds of screaming and thrashing, a Leki pole cartwheels up into the air and comes down point first. The screaming stops. Again, the moaning: I'm an AT hiker and I've lost my way. The Iranian commander sends 25 men over the sand dune. After several minutes of screaming and thrashing, a titanium spork flies into the air, comes down points first and the screaming stops. Enraged, the Iranian commander sends 100 men over the sand dune. After an hour of screaming, thrashing, poles flying into the air, hammock ropes coiling up and down, sporks.... sporking, the noise and commotion stops and a single, bloody, torn-to-shreds Iranian soldier comes crawling back over the dune. "Don't believe him", says the soldier. "There's TWO of them!"

[Buzz_Lightfoot]

What about the 1-legged girl hiker who did a thru? I think her name was Eileen.

I heard her favoirite place to eat was I-Hop.

[weary]

Then there was the hiker wondering about getting a flu shot. Puzzled by the medical jargon, he asked a nurse, "What's the difference beween bird flu, and swine flu"

He was told, "Bird flu requires tweetment. Swine flu needs an oinkment."

[CowHead]

Two field mice were discussing the best way to get food out a hiker bag. The first mouse squeaks I like to eat out a little hole the squeeze into a tight place. The second mice said were talking about food? Aren’t we?

[bloodmountainman]

A man and his wife were on a long distance hike. The wife was in better shape and carried the lighter pack, so she always made it to camp about an hour ahead each day. One day the husband strolls into camp with a skunk on his shoulder. He says, this is our new pet and he is sharing the tent with us. She asks, what about the smell? The husband replies....He will just have the get used to it, the same way I did!!;)

[Wheeler]

A bear and a rabbit are both taking a dump in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says "hey, you got problems with the poo sticking to yer fur"? The rabbit says "No, not really". So the bear wipes his *** with the rabbit.

[GrubbyJohn]

You forgot Florida. :p
and West Virginia...:welcome

[JustaTouron]

You forgot Florida. :p

Much of Florida isn't really in the south. Northern Florida is part of the south, but southern Florida is just a long range suburb of NYC. there is nothing red neck about Miami or Orlando.

[Rockhound]

A hiker meets Pirate at Mt Crossings. It's late October so he happens to be dressed in full "pirate" regalia, complete with an eye patch, a wooden leg and a hook for a hand. The hiker asks him, "How did you get that peg leg?" to which Pirate replies, " I was washed overbourd during the worst storm Poseidon ever unleashed. As me mates were pulling me back aboard, a great white shark, big as a whale leapt from the icy waters and bit my leg clean off at the knee." "Wow" says the hiker. "How about that hook?" Pirate says, " We were battling rival pirates when I was in a swordfight with 4 of those scallywags. I killed em all but not before one got lucky and cut off me hand." Wow" says the hiker. "How about the eyepatch?" Pirate says "A seagull crapped in me eye" Puzzled, the hiker asks," A seagull crapped in your eye and you lost your eye because of it? I don't see how that could happen." to which Pirate replies, "Well you see, it was the first day with me hook."

[DrRichardCranium]

Much of Florida isn't really in the south. Northern Florida is part of the south, but southern Florida is just a long range suburb of NYC. there is nothing red neck about Miami or Orlando.


"Florida?!! But that's America's wang!"

-Homer Simpson

[JohnnyBongo]

What's the difference between an hiker chic and a hockey goalie????


One showers after three periods.....:banana

[CowHead]

What's the difference between an hiker chic and a hockey goalie????


One showers after three periods.....:banana
LMAO:banana:banana:banana:banana:banana:banana

[Graywolf]

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson are on a hiking trip..
When they lay down for the night, Holmes is staring at the stars..
He asked Watson, "What do you see?"
Watson replies, "I see thousands and thousands of stars".
Holmes asks, "What does that mean to you?"
Watson answers, "Well, I guess it means we are going to have another beautiful day tomarrow. What does it mean to you?"

Holmes replies, " It means somebody has stolen our tent"..

[IronGutsTommy]

his name was john watson..

three hikers have been hiking a few 20 mile days in a row when they come, exhausted, to an old farmhouse along the trail. they decide to see if anyones there since the next shelter is still several miles away. a farmer answers the door and says "sure yall can stay the night. I only got one room available but the bed in theres mighty big and comfy"
the three hikers check out the room and see a huge, thick mattress in the middle. after testing it out, they all agree its comfy and big enough to accomodate all three of them.
the next morning the three hikers wake up rested and refreshed. the hiker on one side of the bed stretches and says "what a great night. i had this incredible dream that a beautiful woman was giving me a handjob."
the hiker on the other side of the bed says " no way! i too had an amazing dream that a beautiful woman was giving me a handjob! Hey cup o soup, did u have the same dream too?"
the hiker that slept in the middle says "no. i dreamt i was snow skiing"

[Lion King]

Knock knock...

[kayak karl]

Knock knock...
who's there?

[Furlough]

While not about hiking - I did see this in a shelter register this august when I was thru-hiking the SNP.

Why did the tomato turn red when opened the refrigerator?

He saw the salad ...... dressing.

[Lion King]

who's there?


nobody, we've gone hiking.

[IronGutsTommy]

wow im surprised mine wasnt removed, although i tried to word it as carefully as possible.

[Funkmeister]

How can you tell that the shelter is level?

The drool comes out both sides of the thruhiker's mouth.

[Odd Man Out]

sorry if this is a repeat. I don't have time to read all 8 pages:

John and Jack are hiking through the woods and come upon a lovely mountains lake. Later, while sitting along the shore getting dressed, they noticed a big, hungry looking mountain lion getting ready to attack. John quickly starts to put on his shoes when Jack says "John, you are a trained wildlife biologist. You know full well that you can't outrun a mountain lion." John replies "I don't have to out run the mountain lion. I only have to out run you."

[perrito]

While hiking along the AT, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another hiker strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't f*@#ing day, cupcake..." :eek:

[IronGutsTommy]

lmao.. some guys have all the luck

[Rocket Jones]

You need to know two things before this one:
1. The Germans love to "volksmarch", which is long walks along specified trails on the weekends. They get prizes for mileage and how many they do.
2. The German word for large is "gross".

Two American ladies are visiting Germany and decide to do a local volksmarch. As they're walking through the woods, they come upon a local guy who's taking a leak against a tree.

American lady: "That's gross!"

German guy: "Danke!"

[Different Socks]

Wow, I wondered how long it would take people to get the Mary Poppins reference. Good job! Yep, we're old.

And so is the joke! I've known that one since the late 70's!!

[Different Socks]

his name was john watson..

three hikers have been hiking a few 20 mile days in a row when they come, exhausted, to an old farmhouse along the trail. they decide to see if anyones there since the next shelter is still several miles away. a farmer answers the door and says "sure yall can stay the night. I only got one room available but the bed in theres mighty big and comfy"
the three hikers check out the room and see a huge, thick mattress in the middle. after testing it out, they all agree its comfy and big enough to accomodate all three of them.
the next morning the three hikers wake up rested and refreshed. the hiker on one side of the bed stretches and says "what a great night. i had this incredible dream that a beautiful woman was giving me a handjob."
the hiker on the other side of the bed says " no way! i too had an amazing dream that a beautiful woman was giving me a handjob! Hey cup o soup, did u have the same dream too?"
the hiker that slept in the middle says "no. i dreamt i was snow skiing"


LMAO! Now that is funny!

[OutdoorsMan]

Two women hikers were sitting quietly together on a summit, minding their own business

[Old Hiker]

Two women hikers were sitting quietly together on a summit, minding their own business

Jokes, not science fiction, please.

[Spokes]

That was pretty damned funny, tho the idea of tarping with Wolf is sorta scary.

..... on a moonlit night somewhere in Grayson Highlands

Baltimore Jack: Why are you shining that flashlight up into the sky?
Lone Wolf: Just wondering...
Baltimore Jack: About what?
Lone Wolf: I bet you couldn't climb to the top of that beam of light.
Baltimore Jack: Why of course not! I'd get half way up and you'd turn it off!

[Gray Blazer]

You need to know two things before this one:
1. The Germans love to "volksmarch", which is long walks along specified trails on the weekends. They get prizes for mileage and how many they do.
2. The German word for large is "gross".

Two American ladies are visiting Germany and decide to do a local volksmarch. As they're walking through the woods, they come upon a local guy who's taking a leak against a tree.

American lady: "That's gross!"

German guy: "Danke!"

I don't speak German (they have a different word for everything except volkswagon). I guess, as the great bathroom poet once wrote, "the joke was between his legs". Guten Tag, sir!

[Odd Man Out]

You know you are having a bad day hiking if the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of a train.

[springerfever]

Not really a hiking joke, but doesn't this bar look like the Doyle? had to use something for a lead-in...)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OpuuAa7gdE&feature=related

[Different Socks]

A NOBO Scottish thruhiker decides to take a nap on the AT one afternoon. So he drops his pack, lays back against a tree next to the trail and falls into a deep, deep sleep. A short while later two SOBO female thruhikers come along. They stop and after noticing the hiking kilt the man is wearing the following conversation ensues:

"I wonder if it's true."

"You wonder if what's true?"

"That they really don't wear anything under their kilts."

"Well why don't you look."

"Okay"

So the first woman bends over, gently lifts the kilt and reveals that the man really is wearing nothing under his kilt. She puts the kilt back down and they both stand there giggling softly. Then, snickering, the first woman says,

"I have a great idea."

"What's that?"

"Why don't I take this blue ribbon out of my hair and tie it around his, uh, thing?"

"Go for it, girl!"

So she takes the blue ribbon out of her hair, lifts the kilt and ties a lovely bow. Then she puts the kilt back in place and they go off down the trail laughing their asses off.

A while later the Scottish thruhiker awakens and immediately realizes that everything is not as it should be. He lifts his kilt, spies the blue ribbon and says,

"Aye, laddie, I don't know where ya been, but I'm a glad ya took first prize."

This is a joke taken from a song called "The Scotsman".

First lines:

Well a scotsman clad in kilt
Left a bar one evening fair,
And one could tell how he walked
that he'd drunk more than his share.
He stumbled round til he could no longer keep his feet,
fell onto the grass to sleep beside the street.

Now two young girls just happened by
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
"See young sleeping Scotsman, so young and handsome built, I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt".

[JAK]

Not a hiking joke, but when could I ever follow a thread...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9oKdUFCoVo

[Terry7]

I thought I would bump this thread. Some good stuff here.

[mrcoffeect]

Thanks, I thought that one up this morning as I was getting ready for a patrol. I owe inspiration to the movie "Boondock Saints"

that was a good movie, and you cleaned that joke up quite nicely

[Tenny]

Getting Lost:
While hiking, redhead, a brunette, and a blond get lost in the wilderness. After a while, they get very hungry, so they send the redhead off to hunt for dinner. Later the redhead returns carrying a huge deer. When the other two ask her how she found it, she simply replies that she "followed the tracks." The second night, the brunette goes off to hunt for dinner. Later the brunette returns carrying a huge moose. Her companions ask her how she found it and she tells them that she also "followed the tracks." The third night the blond goes hunting. Much later she returns looking very upset and empty-handed. The others ask her what happened. She says, "I followed the tracks, but all I found was a train."

River Crossing:
A redhead, a brunette and a blond are hiking when they come to an extremely wide and deep river. There is no bridge, so they decide they must swim across. The redhead tries to swim across first. She makes it 1/4 of the way across, but gets too tired and turns around. She swims back to shore. The brunette tries to swim across next. She makes it 1/3 of the way across, but gets too tired and turns around and swims back to shore, also. The blond tries to swim across next. She makes it 1/2 way across, but gets too tired, and turns around and swims back to shore.

[Kitecop]

Q: How do you tell the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear?
A: When you see the bear, climb a tree. If it climbs up the tree and kills you, it's a black bear. If it knocks the tree down and kills you, it's a grizzly bear.
================================================== ==

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

================================================== ===

This one's been posted before but Oh Well:

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge
towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on
the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right
on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his
right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..." Time stopped.
The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the
forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both
paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord Amen."

================================================== ===

And a non-bear joke to finish:

An American was backpacking across the highlands, when he came across a small village where he decided to spend the night.

Upon entering the local pub that evening for some drinks with the locals, he found himself in a conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant individual.

"Ya see that fence out there?" The old man asked the backpacker. "I built that fence with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the fence builder? No!"

"And that church out there. I hoisted the bell up to the top with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the church builder? No!"

And that bridge. I put it together stone by stone. But ya think they call me MacGregor the bridge builder? No!"

"But ya screw one goat..."

I suppose if "God" actually stopped time during crisis and spoke to people directly, more people would believe in him...

[JJJ]

What do you call someone who hops from Georgia to Maine?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. a k a n g a t h r u.

[Chif]

I thought that the punch line was "That dog would bite you!"



Alright, I warned you. Kids, cover your eyes. Spanish kids, cover your eye, eye, eyes.

These two hikers were resting at the shelter after a long day of hiking. They were watching the one hiker's dog lick it's private parts. The one hiker said, "Gee, I wish I could do that." The dog's owner said, "If you ask him, maybe he'll let you."

There, now I've ruined my reputation forever. (As if I ever had one.):D

[rocketsocks]

I thought that the punch line was "That dog would bite you!":bananaOh yeah,oh yeah,oh yeah,yer done!:welcome

[Gray Blazer]

River Crossing:
A redhead, a brunette and a blond are hiking when they come to an extremely wide and deep river. There is no bridge, so they decide they must swim across. The redhead tries to swim across first. She makes it 1/4 of the way across, but gets too tired and turns around. She swims back to shore. The brunette tries to swim across next. She makes it 1/3 of the way across, but gets too tired and turns around and swims back to shore, also. The blond tries to swim across next. She makes it 1/2 way across, but gets too tired, and turns around and swims back to shore.

What's the punchline?

[rocketsocks]

What's the punchline?
To get to the other side.;)

[Capt Nat]

How bout the blond hiker on the bank of the river, sees another blond hiker on the other bank. She yells across, "How do I get to the other side?"

The other looks up and down the river and yells back, "You ARE on the other side!"