View Full Version : Leaving my husband behind
VictoriaM
07-13-2006, 20:06
I'm spinning this off from the non-outdoorsy spouse thread in the general section. I'm newly married. My husband has always known about my need to do the trail, and it excited for me now that we've decidd that I should do it next year. However, we've only been together for a year, married a couple of months, and I'll spend both our birthdays and our first wedding anniversary on the trail next year.
What can I do to make the seperation easier for him? I'd especially like male perspectives on this. We're a very close couple, spending every free minute together usually, so the time apart will be hard on both of us - but I'll be kept busy hiking. How can we hold on to our close connection while I'm so far away for so long? What would you like your spouse to do for you if they left you to go hiking for six months? What would you do for your spouse? And before the "take him with you" idea comes up, I'll tell you it's just not a possibility.
Thanks much!
August 21 I will have been married 30 years. Granted the roles are reversed, but when I hit the trail, this is what helps me: Call when able, damn the cost talk as long as you can.
I write letters to my wife everyday. He could write to you the same way.
The above mentioned phone calls.
She sends me notes in my drop boxes. Warning: this may make it worse for you, but then my wife is "evil" :p YMMV.
Give him a map of the AT, mounted on a corkboard, and a bunch of stick pins to track where you are. Maybe add flags for dates & stuff. My wife enjoys tracking me.
Have him become a member here @ WhiteBlaze.
May sound harsh, have him get a part time job, something to keep his mind off you being gone. My wife does that, keeps her occupied, but then she has a semi permanent job she can go to or not whenever she wants.
On aniversary, birthday, no reason whatsoever, if he can get away from all those parttime jobs you got him, :eek: take a zero day & spend some time with him, the trail will still be there. As your hike progresses tho, don't have him hike with you, you will likely be frustrated by his slow pace, he will likely be demoralized by your brisk pace. Remember, us males have very fragile egos :datz
For you, all of the above AND: Stay; fed, hydrated & rested, well, as much as you can on a AT thru hike that is. I find I get more homesick as I get tired, hungry & dehydrated.
Doctari
Amigi'sLastStand
07-13-2006, 20:49
Good luck. I hope it all works out.
Well, if you guys have really talked this through and are in agreement, go fot it!
Like Doctari said, he can always meet up with you as many times as you both want and take a zero (or two ;) ).
I say go! I'm 42 and have dreamed of doing it since I was in my late teens. I will attempt one day, but looks like I may be in my 50's by then. :-?
Skidsteer
07-13-2006, 21:02
What can I do to make the seperation easier for him? I'd especially like male perspectives on this.
Thanks much!
Truth? You've been married two months?
Stay home with your new lifetime partner a little while longer. No offense intended, truly.:)
And don't ask or take marriage advice from an internet forum. ;)
I set up a map on a corkboard with pins, sent lots of emails and phone calls and kept an online journal.
Oh jeez, the "two months" slipped by my old eyes!
I have to agree with Skidsteer, y'all need some more time to get "used to each other.
But what do I know? I'm in marriage #2:eek:
Although I don't usually suggest them, do mail drops. Get him involved, buying, mailing taking care of your gear needs. Keep an online journal with him as the transcriber. Carry a couple memory cards, send them home and have him upload your pics.
Also, since it appears there's no need, do NOT carrying a cellphone with you or him expecting to hear from one another every night and just wait every few days to talk to one another from town.
VictoriaM
07-13-2006, 21:13
Truth? You've been married two months?
Stay home with your new lifetime partner a little while longer. No offense intended, truly.:)
And don't take marriage advice from an internet forum. ;)
No can do. :) I know you mean well with the advice, but this is quite likely my only chance to thru hike, and I'm taking it. We're in complete agreement that I should go. I will be planning to see him at least once a month, and probably take a few days to a week off when I get to NJ so I can come home and spend time with him. I'm sure we'll arrange a visit on each of the three special days, too.
Thanks to all the great suggestions. Doctari, you had some really good ones. I hadn't been planning to bring along stationary, but maybe writing to him every night would be a good idea. That way I can bundle the letters up each week, send them home, and he'll know exactly what I've been up to (since I'll forget a lot of it by the time I get him on the phone). That would be a great record of my trip, too - love letters from the trail! I also like the idea of the map and pins. He might be too lazy to keep up with it, though. :D
We met 'Bama' in Harpers Ferry who is through hiking this year. She said the one thing her husband asked for was a phone call a day whenever possible. On top of that her husband updates her trail journal for her (it is the most up-to-date journal I have ever seen!) As her hiking buddy 'Little Wing' told us, "Bama's husband is basically out here on the trail with us." Sound like a real good balance.
Two months now, it'll be 10 months next spring and well past the Honeymoon! ;)
definately have him meet you somewhere for your anniversary. That's a MUST. After all that separation, it'll be an anniversary to remember!! ;)
little bear
07-13-2006, 21:19
what are his feelings on you being gone? would he be willing to join you for a short section hike? My problem is my wife likes the outdoors but not long hikes. I hope everything works out for you.
Happy Hikes
Little Bear
We met 'Bama' in Harpers Ferry who is through hiking this year. She said the one thing her husband asked for was a phone call a day whenever possible.
Well if it were me there'd be no way I'd take or suggest a cellphone. For one it's impossible to get a connection every night. In the meantime, the hiker is likely going to waste too much time trying to keep the promise, checking for signals and missing what's immediately happening in their surroundings and the reason we hike in the 1st pace.
IMO, if either party needs daily reinforcement from their spouse, they have a problem.
StarLyte
07-13-2006, 21:42
Well if it were me there'd be no way I'd take or suggest a cellphone. For one it's impossible to get a connection every night. In the meantime, the hiker is likely going to waste too much time trying to keep the promise, checking for signals and missing what's immediately happening in their surroundings and the reason we hike in the 1st pace.
IMO, if either party needs daily reinforcement from their spouse, they have a problem.
There's no way in h*ll I'd phone my spouse/partner daily. Possibly once weekly while I'm hiking. And I have.
However, there are some people on this list I'd LIKE to phone once daily
....just kiddin.....:rolleyes:
Marsha
Mountain Man
07-13-2006, 22:41
I'm leaving out next March and have been thiking of way's to get my wife involved in the hike, and will probably do the map thing like others have recommended so she can keep track of my progress. Get her to send a few mail drops. Maybe do a journal and get her to transcribe it for me and upload the pictures. She'll visit a few times in trail towns and I'll take an evtra zero day but no hiking with me because it just wouldn't work. Call to check in every few days.
But we've been married a long time and I'm gone from home 5 days a week and sometimes up to 3 weeks at a time so she's kind of use to it. That makes a big difference.
the_iceman
07-14-2006, 08:57
I am planning on heading out in 2007. Unless I start early and go fast I will definitely be on the trail for our 25th anniversary. I grew up along side the AT in Connecticut and dreamed of hiking it for years. I have section hiked the northern third over the years. I would love to do it with my wife but she tells me she walks way too slow and would hate it by the third day. On the other hand she is very supportive of me. It took awhile to explain why I would thru-hike and “re-do everything I have already done.”
We have two kids in college, two tuitions, we will have just relocated, we will need to start, or restart our business, and we may have zero income when I am gone. But we are working these things out.
I should have done it when I was younger but life got in the way. Maybe fife is what happens when you are waiting to thru-hike?
If you do not do it now you may resent it for years. If you start a family you can table the idea for 20 years.
Go for it. If you have a good marriage it will get stronger. Just make sure your husband understands your hopes, your dreams, and most of all your fears. Plan together. Ship him some drop boxes along the way.
2Discover
07-14-2006, 09:33
Well I am about to have completed my 6 month seperation from my man due to his A.T. thru hike. I couldn't distroy his dream of hiking the AT so I let him go. Let me tell you it has been an adventure for both of us. You will have your good days and you will have days where both of you are crying on the phone. It just comes with the territory. What helped me, being the one at home is that we agreed that this journey was a journey that we were on together (not just him). We both may have completely different roles but both are very important for the sucess of the trip and our relationship. You and your husband will need tons of patience and perseverence. My best advise for him is to stay busy and save money so that he can see you whenever possible. Those little 1 or 2 day visits can really keep both of you going.
As far as you going so early in marriage that decision is up to you two. From woman to woman, I would make sure that he hasn't "just agreed" to all this and under his breath is saying gosh I really hope she doesn't go. You don't want recentment to build up. Just make sure that both of you are aware and ready for the sacrafices that will have to made. Also make sure your marriage is strong enough to remain healthy throughout your AT hike. I'm sure you will be fine. This isn't the first time a spous has left to achieve a dream of hiking the A.T.
P.S like the others CALL HIM whenever possible, whither you can only talk for 2 minutes. It will be worth just hearing your voice to him. I would carry a cell phone. No you won't be able to call him every day (and shouldn't, it will take away from your experience) but I think you might find it nice to have the ability to call him if you have reception from the trail (especially if you haven't been able to get him in a few days)
..... have dreamed of doing it since I was in my late teens. I will attempt one day, but looks like I may be in my 50's by then. :-?
That's where I am now. I'll be 55 when I start. I'll be retired, have my kids (finally) out of college and time on my hands. It's not the mental aspect of hiking that is a concern but all those little aches in one's youth become real concerns as you age.
The first year of marriage would be a difficult time to schedule a thru-hike but if you don't go now you may never get the chance again.
Good luck to you.
Tom
StarLyte
07-14-2006, 15:21
"conjugal visits"
Maybe you could take a few days off in a b&b or two, he could hike the trail in NJ with you, or you could take a break in NJ, etc.
There ya go! Excellent ideas. I forget what it's like being in love like that.
Forgive me for my inconsiderate previous posting.
Have fun in whatever you do.
Make sure you work hard at keeping the magic. ;)
Marsha
Nexy week will be our 21st year of marriage, I have been in the Navy for 22.5yrs. Back in the day,, we would write letters and wait 3 weeks for a reply. That was tough on newly weds. Now, with the www, the time away is not as hard as it once was. The same is true all across the world.
When I finish my Navy life (7.5more years) I am planning on finishing the whole trail, till then it is just a section at a time.
I say 'Go for it' while you are younger. Good luck
Sandy B
I'm going to be the devil's advocate. NO WAY would I let my wife of such a short time go without a fight or something. But, if it will make your husband feel better I'll send mine with you.
Blissful
07-14-2006, 20:01
No can do. :) I know you mean well with the advice, but this is quite likely my only chance to thru hike, and I'm taking it. We're in complete agreement that I should go. I will be planning to see him at least once a month, and probably take a few days to a week off when I get to NJ so I can come home and spend time with him. I'm sure we'll arrange a visit on each of the three special days, too.:D
From someone married 16 plus years and had the dream of thru hiking since I was 13 years old (and now looking at it 30 years later), I'm not sure why this is your only time in life to do the trail (?). You're young. Lots can happen. I really think it's good to take the time to get used to "wedded bliss". It's a commitment worth the effort, and I believe, more important than the dream of thru hiking, being with the one you love. If I didn't have a solid foundation of marriage to rest on, I couldn't even begin to do my thru hike, worrying what is happening on the homefront. My hubby knew I wanted to hike for years. But I waited, had fun getting used to marriage - it's good and challenging times - got us solid in our relationship and was patient for the right time to thru hike (while reading books on the AT along the way). I raised my son and now he's old enough to do it with me. And after many years of dreaming and waiting, my hubby is all for me doing the hike in '07 and he will do sections with me. In fact, he helps me when sometimes I have doubts. So I know without a doubt the time is now.
mweinstone
07-14-2006, 20:31
go for months without careing.dont think about your mate or your self. think about the trail and your place on it. dont think about your litle relationship. think about how the appalachian trail allows you to see your place in the universe. dont reflect on you and him. think about the world and god and your hike and how important it is not to be petty. not to say,.. oh dear oh my , what will i do without him. how will he feel?think about africas problems if you wanna think like that. think about your blessings.
superfly-SY
07-14-2006, 21:37
Trips like this only happen when you make them happen. There will always be work and bills and all the pain in the butt things that make up the "real world".
If your relationship is right and solid then it will work out great. Try your best to include your husband as much as possible. Helping with some mail drops and having him send you care packages and letters would be awesome. Send him letters as frequently as possible. Phone calls are nice but I saw a lot of separated couples arguing and bickering on the phone and most of them hung up their boots and went home. You will both need to be very honest and attentive to each others moods when speakng on the phone. Try to be punctual. There is nothing worse than to be expecting ot get in touch with someone at a specific time and that person is not at home when you call.
A true partner in life is priceless and they will support you through everything.
My wife practically forced me to return to Aconcagua in 2004 two years after a failed solo expedition in 2002. Thanks to her I summitted the mountain and got that big hairy monkey off my back!!
You may never get another chance to make this trip and apparently your husband knows how important this is to you.
Feel no guilt and enjoy your experience.
SY
superfly-SY
07-14-2006, 21:41
One last thing. Never listen to wannabeeeeeeess.
buzzzzbuzzzzbuzzz
We don't want ot be 70 years old looking back at our lives saying..
" ya know, back when I was young I wanted to ......"
sy
VictoriaM
07-14-2006, 22:55
For the record, with one exception I don't think anyone's suggestions were rude or insensitive or anything else. I appreciate all the different perspectives. I've gotten some good ideas from this thread.
I guess Ted and I are very different from other newlyweds. We have a very solid relationship I have no fear that he;ll be up to no good while I'm gone. He completely supports my need to do this and we have both agreed that this is the best time. He'll be fine without me, and I'll be fine without him. We'll miss each other, though.
go for months without careing.dont think about your mate or your self. think about the trail and your place on it. dont think about your litle relationship. think about how the appalachian trail allows you to see your place in the universe. dont reflect on you and him. think about the world and god and your hike and how important it is not to be petty. not to say,.. oh dear oh my , what will i do without him. how will he feel?think about africas problems if you wanna think like that. think about your blessings.
This is the exception. I'm going to assume you didn't mean to be as rude as your words came out. My relationship with my husband is by no means little or petty. Nor do I fuss and fret like some Victorian debutante. I don't mince words either, but I hope you'll phrase your posts a little more carefully in the future.
Oh, and the space bar and shift key are your friends. Please use them.
Amigi'sLastStand
07-15-2006, 02:08
For the record, with one exception I don't think anyone's suggestions were rude or insensitive or anything else. I appreciate all the different perspectives. I've gotten some good ideas from this thread.
I guess Ted and I are very different from other newlyweds. We have a very solid relationship I have no fear that he;ll be up to no good while I'm gone. He completely supports my need to do this and we have both agreed that this is the best time. He'll be fine without me, and I'll be fine without him. We'll miss each other, though.
This is the exception. I'm going to assume you didn't mean to be as rude as your words came out. My relationship with my husband is by no means little or petty. Nor do I fuss and fret like some Victorian debutante. I don't mince words either, but I hope you'll phrase your posts a little more carefully in the future.
Oh, and the space bar and shift key are your friends. Please use them.
That's just weinstone. He's high half the time, ignore him.
But I gotta tell ya, some of us folks who have done the hiking w/ relationship thing are hoping this works for you. But, well, it doesnt a lot of the time. Good luck, and I hope your right and I'm wrong.
Blissful
07-16-2006, 15:50
That's where I am now. I'll be 55 when I start. I'll be retired, have my kids (finally) out of college and time on my hands. It's not the mental aspect of hiking that is a concern but all those little aches in one's youth become real concerns as you age.
Tom
I see that happening already with me in my forties - bad knee, bad ankle, bad back. But I am also encouraged by journals of thrus right now in their fifites who are doing good. We just need more training and prep to make it happen. We can't just dump everything, put on any pair of shoes we want and go. (at least I can't) But I am walking and hiking. Doing exercises to loosen the tendons and muscles. Taking glucosomine and vitamin regimens. I worry yes about all my joints. If I will make it. But it's taking it one step at a time. Maybe I won't go fast like the young ones. Maybe it will take my system longer to adapt. But I can go believing that this is the time with everthing else behind me. While I love the AT and could have had a smashing success with it in my twenties, other things came first for me - like hubby, son, home (that Victorian thing - ha ha - even have a garden), my writing, etc. Now that those things are settled, I can go forward.
Footslogger
07-16-2006, 18:20
My wife (BadAss Turtle) and I have both done thru hikes on our own. That's just the way it had to be at the time. She did hers in 2001 and I set out alone in 2003. We stayed in touch via phone (I carried a phone card) and we both hiked some of each others thru hikes. That way we met each others "gang" or hiking family and felt more a part of each others hike without actually being there.
Truth be told though we'd much rather have hiked together and in fact, we are planning a second thru hike in 2010 ...and this time it'll be side by side.
'Slogger
the goat
07-18-2006, 12:31
But I gotta tell ya, some of us folks who have done the hiking w/ relationship thing are hoping this works for you. But, well, it doesnt a lot of the time. Good luck, and I hope your right and I'm wrong.
are you talking a/b your hike this year? i think victoria's situation is a bit different.
Amigi'sLastStand
07-18-2006, 12:48
are you talking a/b your hike this year? i think victoria's situation is a bit different.
No, j/a, I'm not.
If he's got a vehicle he can see you lots of the time...at least a coupla times a month. He can come down and spend trail days with you in Damascus. You could probably arrange to take a week off in june or july. (Billville Hiker feed in Duncannon PA is another weekend long event in july he could come to and you could stay put during...) After that you'll be close to NJ and he can see you every weekend or more for a while. Not long after that he'll be picking you up in Maine, and mabye hiking the wilderness with you...you'll want to go slow anyway... Plus cell phones, email etc. etc. we live in an age of easy long distance communication! You'll probably see him a lot more than you imagine if he's at all motivated to make the effort to do the travelling and wait at the road crossings with your cheesburgers and beer. If he was going to be someplace far away that'd be a different story, but NJ is easy access all the way.