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View Full Version : If Bryson could write one...So can WB!



atraildreamer
08-27-2006, 10:42
Some years ago, a group got together to write a novel, which, despite having no literary merit, actually made the NY Times best seller list. (See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naked_Came_the_Stranger). :)

I propose that the members of Whiteblaze can adopt this model and collaborate on the ultimate backpacking book in the tradition of Naked Came the Stranger (NO! I don't mean a PORN book!) :eek:

This would be an on-line book located at this thread and consist of posts by members of WB. Each member would be able to add as much, or as little, to the book as they desired. :-?

Some ground rules:

NO PORN!
Keep the language tolerably clean.
No slander, flaming, etc. of WB members (You know what I mean!)
If you incorporate actual WB members, or people along the trail into the book...BE NICE! Use humor, not invective.
Anything can be added as long as it is pertinent to backpacking the trail.
-------
I'll get the book started...let's see where this goes!
------
Working title: "Naked Came the Backpacker"
By: The Gang at Whiteblaze

Chapter 1
---------
It was a dark and stormy night.

The aspiring thru-hiker was stumbling up the approach trail to Springer by the the light of his mini-LED headlamp. It had taken years of planning, collecting of equipment and supplies (primarily Ramen noodles and Snickers bars)to get to this point. His efforts had finally paid off! He was starting to fulfill the dream of his lifetime...a thru-hike of the Appalachian Trail!
No matter that he had to abandon the wife and kids, the welfare system would care for them for the six months that he would be gone. He would bnot be detered fronm fulfilling his goal! Katahdin, or bust!

As he struggled in the dark through another switchback, there was a flash of lightning which illuminated the trail as if it were high noon, and there, ahead of him on the trail was...

------

OK...someone pick it up from here! :welcome

Lone Wolf
08-27-2006, 10:55
...a ***n M:banana cDonalds!

mrc237
08-27-2006, 11:14
Someone Talking On A Cellphone

nhalbrook
08-27-2006, 11:20
Rats! Lost again ... and for the third time already. He began to realize that being color blind and unable to tell white from blue blazes was going to make this hiking more difficult than he had thought it would be. ... So he supersized for the second time and turned to retrace his steps thinking if this keeps happening I might gain 150 lbs by the time I get to [next contributor].

Biloxi
08-27-2006, 11:27
it was a fire, blazeing white hot, surrounded by lots and lots of current and past trail maintainers...and in the middle of that fire was minnesotasmith who had been drug and beaten all the way from katahdin for his constant bitching and complaining ......NEXT.... P.S I will take 2 #7's please extra cheese:)

atraildreamer
08-27-2006, 15:10
OK...we're off to a good start with 3 possible story lines! Who is going to pick up the ball and run with it now? :-?

Skidsteer
08-27-2006, 19:56
As he struggled in the dark through another switchback, there was a flash of lightning which illuminated the trail as if it were high noon, and there, ahead of him on the trail was...

...the plaque (http://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/vbg/showimage.php?i=6910&catid=searchresults&searchid=4668). The much anticipated plaque (http://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/vbg/showimage.php?i=1120&catid=searchresults&searchid=4668).
"Well. That's impressive" He said, to no one in particular and trudged on thinking, "The shelter (http://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/vbg/showimage.php?i=1054&catid=searchresults&searchid=4670) should be close now".

atraildreamer
09-03-2006, 04:13
He trudged on, bone-weary from hiking all-day, and half the previous night (the 3 stops at McDonald's hadn't done him any good, either!) He eagerly anticipated settling in at the shelter and getting some rest! What he found as he approached the shelter totally destroyed his dreams of a quiet night!
http://www.cngei.it/eng/organization/group/fotogru2.htm

Scouts...scouts...scouts!!! They were everywhere! Their equipment was everywhere...they even brought the kitchen sink!
Www.campman.com/browseproducts/PACK-SINK.html (http://www.campman.com/browseproducts/PACK-SINK.html)

Wearily, he approached the leader, and his flunkies (gslc-bsa.org/bs/leader/index.cfm) and asked politely that he move some of his horde out of the shelter so that he might get settled in for the night. The leader blew up like a kid who had just had his candy stolen! http://www.fotosearch.com/ICL166/pch_028c/
He screamed: "We were here first...we had reservations!!!"

Our beleaguered thru-hiker politely pointed out that the park service would never approve such a large group for a shelter, and also told him about the requirement to make room for thru hikers!
What he received in reply was a rain of invective and the traditional scout salute (less the traditional 3 fingers), and a clear invitation for him to depart the area ASAP!

Our hiker quickly took off when the scouts started to slowly, and menacingly, move toward him (no doubt picking up the scent of the 3 boxes of Snickers bars that he was packing). Www.fundraisingdepot.com/images2/AA000937.jpg (http://www.fundraisingdepot.com/images2/AA000937.jpg)


Running down the trail, he heard a voice whisper: "Over here...quick!" A hand reached out and pulled him into a thicket of brush. "Sh-h-h! The voice said." He crouched down in the brush wondering who this unexpected trail angel might be? www.kultur.at/.../cyb/angel/set01/angel04a.jpg (http://www.kultur.at/.../cyb/angel/set01/angel04a.jpg)


The mob quickly passed them by,
www.publiceye.org/gallery/chicago/Mob-2.jpg (http://www.publiceye.org/gallery/chicago/Mob-2.jpg)
and our hiker was then led deeper into the woods to a clearing, which contained several more backpackers.

"So...they chased you off, too!" said the trail angel. All of us suffered the same fate! Some of us lost our trail treats, but at least we made it out alive!


Our hiker, shaken from his near escape, but mad enough to want to strike back, said: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to stand for this!"


Several hours later, after sunset, and when the mob had returned to the shelter and settled down for a night's sleep after devouring their ill-gotten hiker treats, our hiker, and his new found friends quietly approached the shelter and its inhabitants. "Drip the honey up to the front of the shelter, Sprinkle the Ramen Noodle flavor bag seasonings on their sleeping bags, get ready with the GORP", he quietly directed his friends. This being done...they withdrew and waited quietly in the bushes, watching for the expected new visitor to the overcrowded shelter.

They did not have to wait long...he approached,
www.dnr.state.oh.us/.../black%20bear.jpg (http://www.dnr.state.oh.us/.../black%20bear.jpg)
following the trail of honey and the scent of Ramen Noodles to the shelter. Just as he arrived, our hiker threw the bag of GORP at the bear, hitting him in the head, causing the bag to split open and spray the inhabitants of the shelter to be sprayed with raisins, peanuts, chocolate chips, assorted seeds, M&Ms, etc. that were in the mixture. The bear, being somewhat annoyed, reared up on his hind legs and roar! All of this commotion woke up the horde of scouts, and also alerted some unseen inhabitants of the shelter. www.cdc.gov/.../diseases/hanta/images/hv082m.jpg (http://www.cdc.gov/.../diseases/hanta/images/hv082m.jpg)


Chaos...chaos...all was soon chaos! One very annoyed roaring bear soon caused the shelter to empty out and he, and the other smaller creatures
www.hiiret.fi/pics/okahiiret2.jpg (http://www.hiiret.fi/pics/okahiiret2.jpg)
soon made short work of the food and equipment that the horde had left behind!


Our hiker and friends went further down the trail, towards the next hut, laughing with every step. "What if the next shelter is full of scouts, too?" someone asked. "Don't worry...we have lots of Ramen Noodles and another bag of GORP!" someone exclaimed! Eliciting a fresh gale of laughter from the group!


"What is your trail name?" the trail angel asked our hiker. I haven't got around to picking one," he replied "any suggestions?"...

<O:p</O:p

Heater
09-03-2006, 05:58
Some years ago, a group got together to write a novel, which, despite having no literary merit, actually made the NY Times best seller list. (See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naked_Came_the_Stranger). :)

I propose that the members of Whiteblaze can adopt this model and collaborate on the ultimate backpacking book in the tradition of Naked Came the Stranger (NO! I don't mean a PORN book!) :eek:

This would be an on-line book located at this thread and consist of posts by members of WB. Each member would be able to add as much, or as little, to the book as they desired. :-?

Some ground rules:

NO PORN!
Keep the language tolerably clean.
No slander, flaming, etc. of WB members (You know what I mean!)
If you incorporate actual WB members, or people along the trail into the book...BE NICE! Use humor, not invective.
Anything can be added as long as it is pertinent to backpacking the trail.
-------
I'll get the book started...let's see where this goes!
------
Working title: "Naked Came the Backpacker"
By: The Gang at Whiteblaze

Chapter 1
---------
It was a dark and stormy night.

The aspiring thru-hiker was stumbling up the approach trail to Springer by the the light of his mini-LED headlamp. It had taken years of planning, collecting of equipment and supplies (primarily Ramen noodles and Snickers bars)to get to this point. His efforts had finally paid off! He was starting to fulfill the dream of his lifetime...a thru-hike of the Appalachian Trail!
No matter that he had to abandon the wife and kids, the welfare system would care for them for the six months that he would be gone. He would bnot be detered fronm fulfilling his goal! Katahdin, or bust!

As he struggled in the dark through another switchback, there was a flash of lightning which illuminated the trail as if it were high noon, and there, ahead of him on the trail was...

------

OK...someone pick it up from here! :welcome


His Mother in-law, with a baseball bat.

Smile
09-03-2006, 16:38
When you're ready to get a publisher, let me know.

Gray Blazer
09-04-2006, 10:13
He trudged on, bone-weary from hiking all-day, and half the previous night (the 3 stops at McDonald's hadn't done him any good, either!) He eagerly anticipated settling in at the shelter and getting some rest! What he found as he approached the shelter totally destroyed his dreams of a quiet night!
http://www.cngei.it/eng/organization/group/fotogru2.htm

Scouts...scouts...scouts!!! They were everywhere! Their equipment was everywhere...they even brought the kitchen sink!
Www.campman.com/browseproducts/PACK-SINK.html (http://www.campman.com/browseproducts/PACK-SINK.html)

Wearily, he approached the leader, and his flunkies (gslc-bsa.org/bs/leader/index.cfm) and asked politely that he move some of his horde out of the shelter so that he might get settled in for the night. The leader blew up like a kid who had just had his candy stolen! http://www.fotosearch.com/ICL166/pch_028c/
He screamed: "We were here first...we had reservations!!!"

Our beleaguered thru-hiker politely pointed out that the park service would never approve such a large group for a shelter, and also told him about the requirement to make room for thru hikers!
What he received in reply was a rain of invective and the traditional scout salute (less the traditional 3 fingers), and a clear invitation for him to depart the area ASAP!

Our hiker quickly took off when the scouts started to slowly, and menacingly, move toward him (no doubt picking up the scent of the 3 boxes of Snickers bars that he was packing). Www.fundraisingdepot.com/images2/AA000937.jpg (http://www.fundraisingdepot.com/images2/AA000937.jpg)


Running down the trail, he heard a voice whisper: "Over here...quick!" A hand reached out and pulled him into a thicket of brush. "Sh-h-h! The voice said." He crouched down in the brush wondering who this unexpected trail angel might be? www.kultur.at/.../cyb/angel/set01/angel04a.jpg (http://www.kultur.at/.../cyb/angel/set01/angel04a.jpg)


The mob quickly passed them by,
www.publiceye.org/gallery/chicago/Mob-2.jpg (http://www.publiceye.org/gallery/chicago/Mob-2.jpg)
and our hiker was then led deeper into the woods to a clearing, which contained several more backpackers.

"So...they chased you off, too!" said the trail angel. All of us suffered the same fate! Some of us lost our trail treats, but at least we made it out alive!


Our hiker, shaken from his near escape, but mad enough to want to strike back, said: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to stand for this!"


Several hours later, after sunset, and when the mob had returned to the shelter and settled down for a night's sleep after devouring their ill-gotten hiker treats, our hiker, and his new found friends quietly approached the shelter and its inhabitants. "Drip the honey up to the front of the shelter, Sprinkle the Ramen Noodle flavor bag seasonings on their sleeping bags, get ready with the GORP", he quietly directed his friends. This being done...they withdrew and waited quietly in the bushes, watching for the expected new visitor to the overcrowded shelter.

They did not have to wait long...he approached,
www.dnr.state.oh.us/.../black%20bear.jpg (http://www.dnr.state.oh.us/.../black%20bear.jpg)
following the trail of honey and the scent of Ramen Noodles to the shelter. Just as he arrived, our hiker threw the bag of GORP at the bear, hitting him in the head, causing the bag to split open and spray the inhabitants of the shelter to be sprayed with raisins, peanuts, chocolate chips, assorted seeds, M&Ms, etc. that were in the mixture. The bear, being somewhat annoyed, reared up on his hind legs and roar! All of this commotion woke up the horde of scouts, and also alerted some unseen inhabitants of the shelter. www.cdc.gov/.../diseases/hanta/images/hv082m.jpg (http://www.cdc.gov/.../diseases/hanta/images/hv082m.jpg)


Chaos...chaos...all was soon chaos! One very annoyed roaring bear soon caused the shelter to empty out and he, and the other smaller creatures
www.hiiret.fi/pics/okahiiret2.jpg (http://www.hiiret.fi/pics/okahiiret2.jpg)
soon made short work of the food and equipment that the horde had left behind!


Our hiker and friends went further down the trail, towards the next hut, laughing with every step. "What if the next shelter is full of scouts, too?" someone asked. "Don't worry...we have lots of Ramen Noodles and another bag of GORP!" someone exclaimed! Eliciting a fresh gale of laughter from the group!


"What is your trail name?" the trail angel asked our hiker. I haven't got around to picking one," he replied "any suggestions?"...

<O:p</O:p

"How about 'The Poopacabra' ", she said. "No one has this name yet. And further more, since I am a mystical trail angel, I can endow you with magical powers that include....."

atraildreamer
09-04-2006, 21:08
Despite my best efforts, a lot of typos slipped into the text (Chapter 2). :mad: This may be due to the fact that I copied the text over from Word and had to remove all of the formatting marks, or that I was working the night shift with the flu. :-? Anyway, an editing function would be appreciated at this site. :o

Frosty
09-04-2006, 21:43
Chapter 1
---------
It was a dark and stormy night.

The aspiring thru-hiker was stumbling up the approach trail to Springer by the the light of his mini-LED headlamp. It had taken years of planning, collecting of equipment and supplies (primarily Ramen noodles and Snickers bars)to get to this point. His efforts had finally paid off! He was starting to fulfill the dream of his lifetime...a thru-hike of the Appalachian Trail!
No matter that he had to abandon the wife and kids, the welfare system would care for them for the six months that he would be gone. He would bnot be detered fronm fulfilling his goal! Katahdin, or bust!

As he struggled in the dark through another switchback, there was a flash of lightning which illuminated the trail as if it were high noon, and there, ahead of him on the trail was...

------

OK...someone pick it up from here! :welcome
...the summit. Then the snow picked up again, and the summit disappeared in a swirl of white.

I was ravenous, but afraid that if I stopped, I’d never get moving again. I knew there was a three sided shelter just past the summit, but exactly where I didn’t know because my guidebook was buried somewhere in the pack I didn’t dare take off.

I crossed the wooded summit and walked over the bronze commemorative plaque set into the rock. It wasn’t the Kodak moment I had imagined it would be; it only meant that I was close to the shelter. It was easier walking downhill, and within a few minutes I found the side trail to the shelter. Hurrying now, I heard voices ahead and to the left. A dark shape materialized in the snow--the shelter.

Just as I was about to turn from the trail toward the shelter, I noticed a set of footprints entering the trail from a side path on the right. They headed for the shelter and I followed them.

I approached the shelter from the side. The footsteps went around the back, but I walked in front where two women, a redhead and a blonde, and a dark-haired man were hunched over a stove.

“Hi,” I said.

Without looking up, the redhead said, “Jesus, Paul, where you been?”

She looked up and fell over backwards at the sight of me “Jesus, you--You’re not Paul. Who are you?”

“I’m Frosty. I’m tired and I can’t get my pack off. Can you help me?” I was babbling. A part of my brain told me that this was a sign of hypothermia. I ignored it and, fumbling with my pack straps with fingers suddenly gone numb, I stumbled over to the shelter. The floor was raised about three feet off the ground, just high enough for me to sit on. I tried to, but fell over backwards. My arms flailed about in the air, just like in my daydream-nightmare. Would I die here?

I would not. The three rolled me out of my pack and into a warm blanket in as much time as it takes to say it. In less time, the redhead stabbed at my face with a spoon full of beef stew. My teeth chattered too much to chew even the potatoes. See, my mind said. Hypothermia, all right. I sipped the broth.

The warmth of the broth spread through me like a molten wave. I finished a second bowl, now a new man. Between sips of hot tea, we all introduced ourselves. The redhead was Candy, the blonde her sister Rose. The man, Jeremy, was either Candy’s ex-husband or Rose’s husband--I wasn’t sure which. There was another man in the party, Paul, who was in the outhouse, and long overdue.

I said, “I have to use it myself. Point me in the right direction and I’ll check on him while I’m there.”

The outhouse was across the same path I had come in on.

It was pitch dark inside the rough plank privy., and I hadn’t brought a flashlight. I pulled a book of matches from a waterproof container in my back pocket and lit one. In the flare-up of the flame I saw a man sitting on the plywood bench. “Sorry,” I said. He didn’t respond, didn’t move at all that I could hear, so I lit another one. No, he hadn’t moved, and wasn’t moving now. He just sat there, fully clothed, facing forward, as though in thought. As the match went out, I reached over and touched his hand. It was cold, as cold as the snow that fell outside.

Gray Blazer
09-04-2006, 21:50
Geeeez...Frosty! This is supposed to be fiction. I thought you weren't going to tell anybody!:rolleyes: BTW, we missed you in FL. Hope you had a good trip.

Frosty
09-04-2006, 21:52
Oops. I posted my piece before reading all the replies. Grey Blazer's is better. Go with that. I already have an ending to my story anyway - started it in the Hiawasssee Inn and finished it in Haven's Budget Motel last March while while I was sick. Must have been semi-delirious at the time because I titled it "The Chattahoochee Couchee Girl" :rolleyes:

Frosty
09-04-2006, 21:55
Geeeez...Frosty! This is supposed to be fiction. I thought you weren't going to tell anybody!:rolleyes: BTW, we missed you in FL. Hope you had a good trip.hee hee

Still here in Orlando. Didn't roll through the Ocala area until late Sunday night and I figured you guys would have broken up by then.

Heading back north in a couple days, but will be back for a month in New Smyrna Beach.

Pretty damn hot down here in Florida!

Gray Blazer
09-04-2006, 22:06
Pretty damn hot down here in Florida!

That's why you gotta come to North Florida.:rolleyes:

maxNcathy
09-06-2006, 10:03
He trudged on, bone-weary from hiking all-day, and half the previous night (the 3 stops at McDonald's hadn't done him any good, either!) He eagerly anticipated settling in at the shelter and getting some rest! What he found as he approached the shelter totally destroyed his dreams of a quiet night!
http://www.cngei.it/eng/organization/group/fotogru2.htm

Scouts...scouts...scouts!!! They were everywhere! Their equipment was everywhere...they even brought the kitchen sink!
Www.campman.com/browseproducts/PACK-SINK.html (http://www.campman.com/browseproducts/PACK-SINK.html)

Wearily, he approached the leader, and his flunkies (gslc-bsa.org/bs/leader/index.cfm) and asked politely that he move some of his horde out of the shelter so that he might get settled in for the night. The leader blew up like a kid who had just had his candy stolen! http://www.fotosearch.com/ICL166/pch_028c/
He screamed: "We were here first...we had reservations!!!"

Our beleaguered thru-hiker politely pointed out that the park service would never approve such a large group for a shelter, and also told him about the requirement to make room for thru hikers!
What he received in reply was a rain of invective and the traditional scout salute (less the traditional 3 fingers), and a clear invitation for him to depart the area ASAP!

Our hiker quickly took off when the scouts started to slowly, and menacingly, move toward him (no doubt picking up the scent of the 3 boxes of Snickers bars that he was packing). Www.fundraisingdepot.com/images2/AA000937.jpg (http://www.fundraisingdepot.com/images2/AA000937.jpg)


Running down the trail, he heard a voice whisper: "Over here...quick!" A hand reached out and pulled him into a thicket of brush. "Sh-h-h! The voice said." He crouched down in the brush wondering who this unexpected trail angel might be? www.kultur.at/.../cyb/angel/set01/angel04a.jpg (http://www.kultur.at/.../cyb/angel/set01/angel04a.jpg)


The mob quickly passed them by,
www.publiceye.org/gallery/chicago/Mob-2.jpg (http://www.publiceye.org/gallery/chicago/Mob-2.jpg)
and our hiker was then led deeper into the woods to a clearing, which contained several more backpackers.

"So...they chased you off, too!" said the trail angel. All of us suffered the same fate! Some of us lost our trail treats, but at least we made it out alive!


Our hiker, shaken from his near escape, but mad enough to want to strike back, said: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to stand for this!"


Several hours later, after sunset, and when the mob had returned to the shelter and settled down for a night's sleep after devouring their ill-gotten hiker treats, our hiker, and his new found friends quietly approached the shelter and its inhabitants. "Drip the honey up to the front of the shelter, Sprinkle the Ramen Noodle flavor bag seasonings on their sleeping bags, get ready with the GORP", he quietly directed his friends. This being done...they withdrew and waited quietly in the bushes, watching for the expected new visitor to the overcrowded shelter.

They did not have to wait long...he approached,
www.dnr.state.oh.us/.../black%20bear.jpg (http://www.dnr.state.oh.us/.../black%20bear.jpg)
following the trail of honey and the scent of Ramen Noodles to the shelter. Just as he arrived, our hiker threw the bag of GORP at the bear, hitting him in the head, causing the bag to split open and spray the inhabitants of the shelter to be sprayed with raisins, peanuts, chocolate chips, assorted seeds, M&Ms, etc. that were in the mixture. The bear, being somewhat annoyed, reared up on his hind legs and roar! All of this commotion woke up the horde of scouts, and also alerted some unseen inhabitants of the shelter. www.cdc.gov/.../diseases/hanta/images/hv082m.jpg (http://www.cdc.gov/.../diseases/hanta/images/hv082m.jpg)


Chaos...chaos...all was soon chaos! One very annoyed roaring bear soon caused the shelter to empty out and he, and the other smaller creatures
www.hiiret.fi/pics/okahiiret2.jpg (http://www.hiiret.fi/pics/okahiiret2.jpg)
soon made short work of the food and equipment that the horde had left behind!


Our hiker and friends went further down the trail, towards the next hut, laughing with every step. "What if the next shelter is full of scouts, too?" someone asked. "Don't worry...we have lots of Ramen Noodles and another bag of GORP!" someone exclaimed! Eliciting a fresh gale of laughter from the group!


"What is your trail name?" the trail angel asked our hiker. I haven't got around to picking one," he replied "any suggestions?"...

<O:p</O:p

"Well, let me think", said the trail angel..." do you like the name, Scout?"

jpepper
09-07-2006, 02:11
"How about 'The Poopacabra' ", she said. "No one has this name yet. And further more, since I am a mystical trail angel, I can endow you with magical powers that include....."


..........the power to poop like a goat.......

Sly
09-07-2006, 07:22
As he struggled in the dark through another switchback, there was a flash of lightning which illuminated the trail as if it were high noon, and there, ahead of him on the trail was...

...a canned ham. Hungry from the days hiked, he picked it up and put it in his backpack to eat at the shelter. Finding a razor sharp rock, he opened the tin and devoured the ham, tossing the tin in the fire ring.

Gray Blazer
09-08-2006, 07:34
"How about 'The Poopacabra' ", she said. "No one has this name yet. And further more, since I am a mystical trail angel, I can endow you with magical powers that include....."

...the power of mweinstone to fly above the AT in any state of prose....the power of the energy and compassion of the women of whiteblaze and the AT......the imagination of Bryson.....the the power of the gift of the Blarney of Lone Wolf.....and....... since you are the Poopacabra.....the power to scare the $@*+ out of any latino who is using a shelter privy.:eek:

Gray Blazer
09-08-2006, 09:33
....and one more power I forgot....the power of Neo, that is, the ability to hang a hammock anywhere, even above tree-level (And maybe one more....The power of the New Hampshire trail maintainers to maintain the AT even in 200 mph winds).

Gray Blazer
09-08-2006, 22:56
.....and one more.....the oxlyness of minnesota smith (Thanks matthewski)

mweinstone
09-09-2006, 21:01
jesus came.

atraildreamer
09-17-2006, 05:01
As he struggled in the dark through another switchback, there was a flash of lightning which illuminated the trail as if it were high noon, and there, ahead of him on the trail was...

...a canned ham. Hungry from the days hiked, he picked it up and put it in his backpack to eat at the shelter.
-------------
Lost Mountain Shelter was just ahead. 475.3 miles he had hiked, usually through the rain, into Virginia. Living mostly on Ramen and Snickers bars, he had covered 20% of the Appalachan Trail in a respectable 5 weeks of travel! "Who would pack in a 5 pound canned ham" he pondered? An idiot who got tired of carrying it, or a trail angel? Boob, or benefactor, PP (short for Poopacabra) would enjoy it with his usual main course of Ramen noodles and Snickers bars for dessert!

As PP started to devour the ham, high above him, eyes, which had nothing to do with angelic beings, closely observed him.

"Foolish human, soon the extra ingredients that I added to that ham will take effect. You will be in my power!" thought the malevolent creature. I will learn the secret of your power! He began his preparations to venture to the surface of this planet, specifically, to a meeting with PP.
----------------
(Note: As a way of explanation...our unseen observer of PP was an alien, commonly known as a "Gray". He/she/(it?) had traveled many light years to learn the secret of how these seemingly puny human thru-hikers
could travel many miles under adverse conditions. The Gray was a high-ranking officer, equivalent to our rank of General, and he/she/(it?) was determined to return with the knowledge {he suspected that it was a serendipitous combination of the properties of noodles and candy in the human metabolism that generated unlimited energy} that would make his interstellar invasion forces unstoppable when they embarked on their quest to conquer the known universe! The planet Earth being their first target of conquest!)
----------------
Our hero, having finished his ham, noodles and candy bars, and being exhausted from the day's travel, as well as the on-going digestion of a 5 pound ham, slathered with the spicy-brown deli-style mustard, Tabasco sauce and the dehydrated onions that he had in his food bag, started to set up his sleeping pad and down bag. "Strange" he thought, "no one else
made it to this shelter. I guess I'll have it all to myself tonight" not knowing that his unseen observer had also arranged his isolation from potential allies!
Just as he was starting to settle in for the night, another hiker approached the shelter. "Hi there...I'm Poopacabra, just call me PP for short, What's your name?" The Gray (having utilized the advance cloaking technology of his home planet to appear to be a typical backpacker) replied: "Just call me 'Far Traveler', or just FT, if you prefer." "OK, FT, glad to meet you, I'm about to go to sleep. Why don't you get settled in and we'll talk some more in the morning?" "Fine with me, see you in the AM" replied the Gray (stupid human, he thought, soon you will revel your secrets to me!)

Soon, the combination of fatigue and a large dinner (along with the extra ingredient of the tranquilizer that Far Traveler had put in the ham) had the expected effect of putting PP into a sound sleep...nothing would easily awaken him!
--------------
Somewhat later, the Gray approached PP carrying what appeared to be a Leki Ultralite Ti Air Ergo hiking pole. He/she? (it?) touched an unseen switch on the pole, which transformed it into an advanced medical probe. He/she? (it?) also adjusted the controls on the personal force shield that he/she? (it?) was wearing so as to block out the typical thru-hiker, 2 weeks unwashed, noxious smell that was emanating from PP. Another switch signaled the agents that he had at the shelter...the Mobile Independent
Collection Entities. (MICE)

www.hiiret.fi/pics/okahiiret2.jpg (http://www.hiiret.fi/pics/okahiiret2.jpg)

The MICE would sample everything, their teeth reducing the examined material to shreds, and the implanted processors in their limited brains would send their reports back to the mother ship.

<http://ufocasebook.com/Idaho.html>

Unfortunately, despite the gigabytes of data that the MICE had collected from hundreds of thru-hikers over the years at numerous trail shelters and campsites, no clue as to the energy generating process inherent in Ramen noodles and Snickers bars was revealed!

A few more touches of the controls and our snoring hero was slowly levitated, spun over, stomach-side down, the sleeping bag removed, as the probe slowly extended toward his unconscious body. "30 light years of travel, and all of this advanced technology, and the best we can come up with is rectal probing," thought the Gray! "But, I WILL find the answer to this great power!"

Just as the probed touched the backside of our hero, the combination of noodles, candy bars and 5 pounds of heavily spiced ham reached critical mass. "Br-r-r-r-F-A-A-A-R-R-R-T-T-T-plop-plop-plop!!!" was the sound, which seemed to go on forever, that filled the shelter, (remember: Poopacabra means...the power to poop like a goat).

A deadly vapor quickly spread from PP, the end of the probed vaporized and the first victims met their untimely end.

http://www.earlham.edu/~oharjo/trail...-Images/55.jpg <http://www.earlham.edu/~oharjo/trail/2005-04-07/2005-04-07-

The vapor soon reached Far Traveler and overwhelmed the personal force shield. The vapor would have caused FT's eyes to water, if he/she/(it) had any tear ducts, and caused he/she/(it's) gray skin to mottle. Enough of this! FT activated the beacon, which signaled the mother ship to perform an emergency beam-up! He/she/(it), and a sphere 6 feet across surrounding he/she/(it) was quickly transported to the ship. (Normally, only FT would have been transported, but an emergency beam-up used a wider field and thus captured a quantity of the Earth's atmosphere that normally would have been filtered out.) The mother ship was soon filled with the deadly vapors which had the effect of gagging the crew and causing the shutdown of many of the ship's critical systems, among them the stealth cloak, defensive shields and flight stability controls. The ship began to rock around three axes.
---------------
Meanwhile, at NORAD HQ, Cheyenne Mountain, other eyes were watching the events over Lost Mountain Shelter. "Sir...I have a UFO over Virginia. Its flight path is highly erratic. I think that it is in trouble! What are your orders?" queried the radar control officer. The General in charge

www.marsattacks.com/img/cast/steiger.jpg (http://www.marsattacks.com/img/cast/steiger.jpg)

examined the radar plot and quickly came to a decision. "Let me talk to the pilot" he roared!

Orbiting high above Lost Mountain Shelter was a single interceptor.

911research.wtc7.net

"Pilot...you are weapons free. Have you got a lock on that b!#$%^d?"

"That is affirmative General" came the reply.

"Good hunting!" said the General, all the while wondering why these things always showed up over the AT?

The jet bored in ion the crippled mother ship. "Fox 1, Fox 2, Fox 3, Fox 4" came the voice over the radio as he fired off 4 air-to-air
missiles.

All 4 missiles struck the alien ship causing it to flip over wildly. The ship, even without it's shields, but being constructed of advanced materials,
was able to survive the onslaught, but suffered from reduced power as its engines were damaged. For good measure, and since there nothing else to do, the pilot raked the mother ship's control bubble dome with his cannon, causing the Gray pilot considerable consternation.

Muttering something in his native language unintelligible to humans, but which can be roughly translated: "Enough of this s%&*!", the pilot engaged full emergency power, causing the triangular UFO to shoot straight up at a frightening rate of speed!

Back in Wyoming, the General ordered "Alert High Ground to take out this SOB!"

300 miles overhead, silently approaching at 17,500 mph, High Ground (otherwise know as the International Space Station/ISS) began to deploy a module that all members of the ISS consortium were aware of, but which none would admit existed. The module scanned for the target, acquired it and fired a single burst of a terawatt UV laser at the Gray spacecraft.
------------------
Meanwhile, back at the shelter, our hero was slowly awakening from his torporous sleep. The call of nature (caused by his massive overspiced supper) was stronger than the alien tranquilizer. He heard a faint noise, and in the growing light of the imminent dawn, he spied a near-silent black helicopter, sans any identification markings, slowing circling the shelter. As the helicopter flew off, our semi-conscious hero saw what appeared to be a meteor shower over the mountain (the remains of a certain UFO).
-------------
"What a strange dream I had," said our hero, to no one in particular, as he sat in the trailside privy, "I have to stop listening to the Art Bell show at night!" "I guess I'll start early, seeing as I'm up now, but first...breakfast!" as he dug in his pack for some Ramen noodles and a Snickers bar...

atraildreamer
09-17-2006, 05:05
Previous post the result of a lack of sleep and too much coffee!

atraildreamer
09-17-2006, 05:38
Loud noise as door crashes in...

Men rush in with guns drawn...

"Are you atraildreamer?"

"Yes," I stammered, "who are you, what's this all about?"

"I'm with Homeland Security, we also have the FBI, CIA, NSA and a Rent-A-Cop here! Now shut up!...I'll be asking the questions!"

I shut up.

"Where did you get the information about the secret weapons systems on the ISS and the UFOs over the AT?"

"But, it's a work of fiction!" I replied.

"Yeah...sure, I think that you are due for some probing at the orders of Director Bell!" he saqid as they deragged me away to a secret, undisclosed location!...