View Full Version : Convincing family you're going to thru hike
I'm curious to know how everyone has dealt with/is dealing with convincing family to accept your decision to hike the AT.
My family is really apprehensive about the idea of me, a young girl, hiking solo with no man to protect me from two legged predators. I don't think they're worried about dangers of the woods, they're worried about people.
My boyfriend is worrying about the above too, but he also doesn't want us to be apart for so long. His family thinks it automatically means a break up.
I know that women have to calm the fears of friends and family to a greater extent than men, so I was wondering how every one else got through it.
Jim Adams
02-16-2007, 13:19
Statistics show that you are actually safer on the trail than at home. The male hikers that I've met on the trail in two thru hikes have never been a danger or threat to any female hikers. Usually most of the thru hikers become very good friends and tend to watch over each other's safety.
geek
I agree with Jim. I hiked a lot of the trail last year and the people on the trail are so nice. I saw a lot of female hikers and never felt they saw me as a threat to them. The trail ie a wonderful place to be. I say go for it, it is an once in a lifetime trip.
hammock engineer
02-16-2007, 14:18
From another guy, but maybe I can help a little.
I told my family last year when I was 27. I heard the usual: why would you, you'll get bored, isn't that dangerous, are you taking a gun (I repiled no I do not want to go to jail, please no one hyjack the thread on this), it's too dangerous, don't do it by yourself.
When people cringe when I tell them that I am doing it solo, I say it is like driving in my car by myself in rush hour traffic. I am by myself yet never alone.
In the end my family knows that I am going to do whatever I put my mind to regardless of what they say.
It did take awhile. I had to flat out tell a couple family member (including my mom) not to tell me that I can't or it is alright if you change your mind. After that I think they understand a little more that it was going to happen.
Here is a really good book written by a women talking about her expereriences. A lot different from your background, but a good read.
http://www.trailquest.net/dlgcmyjourney.html
I'm curious to know how everyone has dealt with/is dealing with convincing family to accept your decision to hike the AT.
------
I know that women have to calm the fears of friends and family to a greater extent than men, so I was wondering how every one else got through it.
Hi Miu and :welcome to WB!
I completely agree with you that as women we feel responsible for reassuring our friends and family that we'll be okay. We are not responsible for their feelings, but we do feel that way.
I haven't convinced the people around me that this is a safe thing to do or that it's a responsible life decision. I have listened to their arguments and provided my version of the answers. I've given them opportunities to vent their angst and told them things that I thought would reassure. (I continue to be teased mercilessly about being killed in my sleep because when I tried to explain why taking a gun would not help, I said that the women who'd been killed on or near the trail had all been killed in their sleep, so a gun wouldn't help...well, my friends haven't let that go.)
I've been doing things my family can't understand since I was 17, so I think they've gotten used to me being far away both geographically and conceptually.
What it boils down to, I guess, is that you should allow them to say what they need to say and then you should do what you need to do. You can't argue away their concerns. It's just not going to happen.
Good luck and I hope to see you on the trail! Strength in numbers!! Just imagine how reassured they'd feel if they saw lots of other women hikers on the trail.
Laura
Well I've got lots of time for convincing, so I'll see how that goes. I'm aiming for an '08 hike. Trying to convince my brother to go with me, he's got loads of time and no responsibilities!
I would recommend starting in late March, when there are a lot of people around. You will meet a lot of great people, and they'll feel a certain obligation to make sure you're safe. The trail community is very protective of its own, especially women.
The only thing that might be a little sketchy is hitching into towns, but there will be others around you doing the same. I wouldn't hitch alone.
Jim Adams
02-16-2007, 15:27
Mui,
I realize that you live a good distance from Virginia but since you aren't hiking until '08, try to go to Trail Days this year and take a family memeber, possibly your brother. Although it does not truely reflect what it is like on the trail, it will show them the friendship and family type atmosphere and help to ease the minds of the rest of the family. Good luck.
geek
Blissful
02-16-2007, 15:30
Trying to convince my brother to go with me, he's got loads of time and no responsibilities!
That would be good, and you can split the weight. That is, if he gets motivated. Took my son a few years to like the idea and realize he's got an investment in this thing too (he's a teen). Getting him out on the trails and meeting fellow hikers was probably the best thing for him. And he likes WB.
The only people in my family against it are my parents. Esp my dad who is into that danger mentality and being in the woods for days on end. He wonders why I have to be gone so long, and the big thing - I'm too old to do this. :eek: Hopefully that will change when I call them soon and tell them - um, uh, I leave in a week. Here's my itinerary. Bon voyage. I still think he thinks I'm really not going to do it. That I wouldn't be that crazy. That I will change my mind.
Uh...nope.
Blissful
02-16-2007, 15:32
Mui,
I realize that you live a good distance from Virginia but since you aren't hiking until '08, try to go to Trail Days this year and take a family memeber, possibly your brother. Although it does not truely reflect what it is like on the trail, it will show them the friendship and family type atmosphere and help to ease the minds of the rest of the family. Good luck.
geek
Yes, excellent idea! Took my son to Trail Days - he absolutely loved it! Esp the water gun fight, the wood carving, and he liked...uh, hitchhiking around town. Yikes.
Jim Adams
02-16-2007, 15:33
Blissful,
You rock---surprise him good!
geek
Lone Wolf
02-16-2007, 15:46
Mui,
I realize that you live a good distance from Virginia but since you aren't hiking until '08, try to go to Trail Days this year and take a family memeber, possibly your brother. Although it does not truely reflect what it is like on the trail, it will show them the friendship and family type atmosphere and help to ease the minds of the rest of the family. Good luck.
geek
make sure you bring the family member to the campground around midnite and go to the drum circle to watch the half-naked, drunkin trustafarians walk around in a circle dry-humpin' one another. then wander all thru camp listening to the sounds of puking.:D
make sure you bring the family member to the campground around midnite and go to the drum circle to watch the half-naked, drunkin trustafarians walk around in a circle dry-humpin' one another. then wander all thru camp listening to the sounds of puking.:D
You've just planned our next family outing. "Kids, get in the car!"
Tom
My family seems to realize that I already have the knowledge and experience to handle the trail, so if they ever have a problem, I just ask them to deal with it on their own, their paranoia is their own problem. I don't think that there is any way to keep everyone happy about hiking the trail as a female our age, so my attitude is that they just have to accept it, it's your hike.
My mom suggested that I just go out for a month, or a couple of states, instead of the whole thing. And come back to what? A job, more school? I'll pass on that. But when I talk about my hike to my family or friends, I try my best to treat it like a vacation, not a life-changing epic trek. People shouldn't begrudge you a vacation! :-) Good luck, and hopefully I'll see you in '08.
RockyBob
02-16-2007, 16:18
Take your boyfriend with you on your thru hike. It will be an experience that will bond the two of you forever
VictoriaM
02-16-2007, 16:25
"Sex and Stalking along the Appalachian trail"
http://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/showthread.php?t=16948
Miu, don't even bother clicking that link. It's a lot of nonsense.
Nameless
02-16-2007, 16:48
I had a little of the same troubles before my first thru attempt. My parents were extremely concerned about me going alone. Everything was about how dangerous it was to be alone.
So, I brought my mother along for the 100 mile wilderness (I went SOBO). We met amazing people that we hiked with the whole time, and she came to understand that there is a community out there that will keep an eye out for you. You are only as alone as you let yourself be. This won't work out for everyone, but it worked well for my mother and me because we have always backpacked together. Since we live so far apart we find it a better use of our time to do a week long trip together than to visit one or the other for a week.
But, this time I'm bringing the boyfriend. He's had a whole one night of backpacking experience, but I'm sure that it will go great.
Pink
My parents thought about having different members of the family hike different sections with me, and that sounded fun. They're a pretty outdoorsy family. I don't think any of us have ever been to the East coast!
When I told my brother he should hike with me he asked, "How much weed would I need to bring for that long?" I think it would be pretty difficult to get that one motivated to save money to buy things other than bongs.
I want my boyfriend to go, but...I know he doesn't really want to and his only reason for going would be to look after me. I feel like that kind of an attitude will set us up for failure. He also has a lot of bills, crappy job with no disposable income, and might possibly still be in school at that time...
Some people will never be convinced. Ever. Reason has no effect on their feelings. Never had and never will.
If these unconvinceable people happen to be your parents, you just have to do whatever you're going to do anyway. (This may sound weird coming from the parent of three--which I am--but I feel very strongly about it.)
This is an excerpt from a recent email I received from my mother--AFTER I have safely completed 97% of my hike.
My mother wrote: "I am still not sure it could possibly be worth it - the hardships and dangers seem to outweigh the benefits and rewards...but in spite of my feelings about that, we are very proud of your strength and determination. I think the greatest lesson learned is 'only hike with a partner'... An ordeal like what you put yourself through is beyond my understanding." She also said she felt cheated of my presence by my being away for so long.
But I have been doing whatever the hell I wanted for a very long time. I have not asked permission and have not expected support--financial, logistical, or emotional--since I was somewhat younger than you are now. I think I'm stronger because of it.
I hope reason will prevail with your close family members, and they will rejoice in your journey and accomplishments. If not...follow your own star anyway. It's worth it.
The boyfriend is a whole 'nother ball game. Only you can weigh whether your life is aspiration-based or relationship-based.
BTW, my husband and our kids were fine with my Hike. They had no doubts I'd be safe and that I'd make it. But then they have all done quite a bit of hiking (unlike my parents) and they know me as I am instead of as they wish I were...
Best wishes,
Marta/Five-Leaf
When I told my brother he should hike with me he asked, "How much weed would I need to bring for that long?" I think it would be pretty difficult to get that one motivated to save money to buy things other than bongs.
LOL wasted youth ! Tell him a minimum of 10lbs. good dank ;) lol
My best advice is to say, I'm going, see ya when i get back and hike out the door. You are perfectly safe. Good luck and I hope you have a wonderful hike.
RAT
Jim Adams
02-16-2007, 21:42
My parents thought about having different members of the family hike different sections with me, and that sounded fun. They're a pretty outdoorsy family. I don't think any of us have ever been to the East coast!
When I told my brother he should hike with me he asked, "How much weed would I need to bring for that long?" I think it would be pretty difficult to get that one motivated to save money to buy things other than bongs.
I want my boyfriend to go, but...I know he doesn't really want to and his only reason for going would be to look after me. I feel like that kind of an attitude will set us up for failure. He also has a lot of bills, crappy job with no disposable income, and might possibly still be in school at that time...
:banana 7.4 pounds!
geek
Just a thought from an old father of four:
If your boyfriend is the same age as you and "He also has a lot of bills, crappy job with no disposable income, and may still be in school" in two more years...I would offer this advice....find another boyfriend.
One that will go with you on the trail and that doesn't have a lot of bills, and a crappy job and hasn't graduated by age 23/24?
I'm sorry but I feel this would alleviate some of your worry. Just my .02 worth.
anneandbenhike
02-17-2007, 12:32
Marta, You have very good advice. I never got the support for any of my hiking or camping, only "why are you doing it and is it safe, and why aren't you coming to visit instead." Being outside, meeting amazing people, who then hook you up with other amazing people is what it is all about. My husband loves to backpack and hike and we have done many trips. As I begin another challenge, an across the country bicycle trip (in two weeks) with a group of women, it is just another challenge like a thru hike. You just have to believe in yourself, your safety, and the support of those on the route with you.
I have always believed in the power of positive thinking. Go alone, and good karma will follow a positive attitude.
Good luck.
If your boyfriend is the same age as you and "He also has a lot of bills, crappy job with no disposable income, and may still be in school" in two more years...I would offer this advice....find another boyfriend.
One that will go with you on the trail and that doesn't have a lot of bills, and a crappy job and hasn't graduated by age 23/24?
I'm sorry but I feel this would alleviate some of your worry.Reason #241 why we guys ought not to post in this forum...
My parents thought about having different members of the family hike different sections with me, and that sounded fun. They're a pretty outdoorsy family. I don't think any of us have ever been to the East coast!
When I told my brother he should hike with me he asked, "How much weed would I need to bring for that long?" I think it would be pretty difficult to get that one motivated to save money to buy things other than bongs.
I want my boyfriend to go, but...I know he doesn't really want to and his only reason for going would be to look after me. I feel like that kind of an attitude will set us up for failure. He also has a lot of bills, crappy job with no disposable income, and might possibly still be in school at that time...
You will be hiking 12 - 18 mpd before too long. The visitors will probable want to do 8 mpd or so. You may be giving up 4 - 10 mpd while they are there hiking with you. Just a thought...
A slow day every once in awhile may not be so bad :)
Anyway, it'll be a chance to prod my dad with my hiking stick while saying "Move along" in retaliation for all the times he's done it to me.
A slow day every once in awhile may not be so bad :)
Anyway, it'll be a chance to prod my dad with my hiking stick while saying "Move along" in retaliation for all the times he's done it to me.Ha ha. He won't mind. My son and I switched roles in a lot of areas. Sometimes he feels awkward about it, but from my vantage point I just see it as a natural progression. It feels kind of good, to be honest.
Jim Adams
02-19-2007, 02:21
Marta, You have very good advice. I never got the support for any of my hiking or camping, only "why are you doing it and is it safe, and why aren't you coming to visit instead." Being outside, meeting amazing people, who then hook you up with other amazing people is what it is all about. My husband loves to backpack and hike and we have done many trips. As I begin another challenge, an across the country bicycle trip (in two weeks) with a group of women, it is just another challenge like a thru hike. You just have to believe in yourself, your safety, and the support of those on the route with you.
I have always believed in the power of positive thinking. Go alone, and good karma will follow a positive attitude.
Good luck.
GREAT TRIP!!! Have fun.:sun
geek
:D Purchase the DVD by Mark Flagler . . . "Appalachian Impressions" and watch it with your family, S.O., others who think you've lost your mind to want to hike 2175 miles at one time.
There are two DVDs in the set and they cover all the States that the Trail goes through. Also, watch the "out takes" because they're cute and informative.
Once they view the DVDs, they'll understand a lot better.
(Send out for Pizza and make some Popcorn, too.)
HapKiDo
Been There, Done That.;)
Programbo
04-04-2007, 22:23
Well I've got lots of time for convincing, so I'll see how that goes.
Since you have so much time I have an idea...How about if you start out with some shorter day hikes and when they see you return safely from them then you can maybe do a few overnight/weekend trips and show them you are capable of doing that safely and surviving on your own out in the wild..Then maybe a longer trip...5 days or so..By then they will see you are: A) Capable of going out on your own (Or with others) and surviving..B) Really serious and sincere about your desire to hike and that it isn`t a faze or fad...I think if you try something like this cold people have a lot more concerns..If you are active over a period of time they will come to accept that hiking is something you like to do and are adept at it..Good Luck! :)
I'm trying to get them to read some single female trailjournals. My mom read 'a walk in the woods' which gave her the mistaken belief that I'd be completely alone every night. Plus, I already have Appalachian Impressions which I could let them watch. I don't think my dad would (since it doesn't have any explosions/gunfights/war scenes/manly stuff), but it would be worth a shot. Don't worry, by this time next year I think I can at least convince them that I don't need to carry a concealed handgun....and for my parents that's a big step.
You can let them read my journals if you like. I haven't done a thru hike, but I do long distance hikes for four to six weeks each summer. Last summer I hooked up with someone, 2005 was solo.
I'm pretty sure I titled this thread "Convincing family"...I would NEVER say "convincing family your going to thru hike". That is the WRONG 'your'. Can forum moderators change the title of threads? Sorry, I just get irritated when people write 'your' instead of 'you're'.....
Frolicking Dinosaurs
04-22-2007, 05:18
Miu, the she-dino here. I have run into people - mostly my grandchildren - who are terrified at the thought of Papaw and Memoade (long story behind that name) in the woods. Getting them to read trail journals - Model-T's mostly - has helped in our case.
I am a mom, and a granny, and a great-granny. While I don't worry about the woods or the two legged critters much, I do have some kids and grandkids I'd really worry about if they tried to thru. Some of the others I'd just wish well. The difference? Experience, attitude and general common sense. That said, assuring your family you have the skills and knowledge necessary may go a long way toward making them less fearful.
dixicritter
04-22-2007, 10:13
I'm pretty sure I titled this thread "Convincing family"...I would NEVER say "convincing family your going to thru hike". That is the WRONG 'your'. Can forum moderators change the title of threads? Sorry, I just get irritated when people write 'your' instead of 'you're'.....
I fixed the "your" to "you're" for you. These things happen don't worry about it. :)
katagious
04-22-2007, 12:01
Hello Miu,
I'm wondering if it would make a difference whether you are hiking the appalachian trail or if you were instead going to a foriegn country alone?
My sons are thru hiking as we speak...and I certainly supported them...In fact I gave them one way tickets to Georgia (haha) but still...I was terrified! Honestly, they had to reassure me every step of the way. When they bid me goodbye outside of Logan Airport...I hugged my younger son and found I really truly physically couldn't let go...he literally had to say "Mom, it's okay...you really can let me go" and unwrap my arms. I had all I could do not to SOB!
Now...my youngest daughter is telling me she fully intends to thru hike when she Graduates from High School...I know her slightly older sister has no intention of roughing it for any length of time much less months..So, she probably will do it alone....and to be truthful, I'm not sure...that I WILL be able to let her go....
I only HOPE that I have raised her to have enough chutzpa to say...Mom, I gotta do this...and the strength defend herself against any arguments the rest of her relatives put forth....and to tear my arms from around her when she's at the airport!
I guess what I'm trying to say is .....there's a certain point in our childrens life that if we've raised them right...they do the things they need to do to be happy...and healthy. Regret..is very unhappy and unhealthy..I hope that you go..and my daughter goes...so that years from now..she doesn't look back with any type of regrets!
Thanks for fixing the 'your'! I think it's just my weird english-major nervous tick...
Katagious--I think my parents would be HORRIFIED at the idea of my going to a foreign country alone, they would be much more open to me thru hiking. I'm sure they must know by now that I'm a really cautious, careful person and my being in a new/unknown situation will probably only increase those tendencies. I fully expect to be able to win them over in the idea of my thru hike, especially since I'll be moving back in with them in June and the AT is all I talk about these days...I'm so confident about it that I'm expecting to collect a lot of my gear for my birthday and Christmas :)
I know they will probably always have some lurking anxiety concerning my safety, but it's probably best alleviated by my journaling along the way and calling home every week to check in.
Fact is, once you've been around thru hikers for a few weeks, shared experiences at shelters, teamed up for safe hitch-hiking adventures and the comradeship of hostels and the trail, not to mention the way people on the trail look out for eachother, and the contiguous community of people (hotel owners, ridgerunners, townsfolk, trail angels etc.) that goes up and down the trail, not to mention the registers and the "grapevine" you realize it's like a very small town where everyone knows your name... any sense of being vulnerable, or "alone" even if you are will evaporate, and you will find a new family out there. Find some other thru-hikers parents and ask them maybe to talk to yours. They have some whacky stories to tell, but they will be reassuring, I guarantee.
RockStar
04-23-2007, 00:52
I thought I would get lonely or feal "afraid" but, truthfully I wished there were less ppl most of the time! Especially at 10ispm when some ppl where still up yapping and laughing! Usually ppl out for Spring break. In march there are a LOT of ppl out there. Bfitz ipaints a very accurate picture.
I already know of a bunch of ppl starting in Mid March at my hiking pace-Slow Poke Daisy Smeller. Good Luck!
It doesn't get any easier when you get older.... I had disapproval emails from my Mother the whole time I was hiking in 05. She never could understand my need to hike. She finally convinced me that my place was at home with my husband. She may have been right, as my husband is not well, but I still miss the trail.
Since you are younger and really have no ties as yet, get out there and enjoy it! You will be totally safe. You will have a great time. You will make friends for life. Do it!
That is exactly my line of reasoning. I'm in between college and "real" job, I don't have any bills, I'm not responsible for anyone else (besides my dog...poor Rufus). I want to take the chance now while I still have the opportunity.
H2O_Buffalo
04-24-2007, 12:31
Thanks for fixing the 'your'! I think it's just my weird english-major nervous tick...
Katagious--I think my parents would be HORRIFIED at the idea of my going to a foreign country alone, they would be much more open to me thru hiking. I'm sure they must know by now that I'm a really cautious, careful person and my being in a new/unknown situation will probably only increase those tendencies. I fully expect to be able to win them over in the idea of my thru hike, especially since I'll be moving back in with them in June and the AT is all I talk about these days...I'm so confident about it that I'm expecting to collect a lot of my gear for my birthday and Christmas :)
I know they will probably always have some lurking anxiety concerning my safety, but it's probably best alleviated by my journaling along the way and calling home every week to check in.
I am an engineer and it makes me crazy too. Your (sic) right about it.
By the way, my wife and I were in France, Holland and Belgium this past March and saw a LOT of young folks (female and male persuasion) traveling alone or in small groups. I have 23 y/o and 19 y/o daughters, and I encourage them to do what THEY want. I am not going to live their lives for them.
Methinks your parents are failing to live for fear of dying, or some such? We never felt unsafe walking the streets of Paris, Amsterdam and Brussels after dark. I am sure you'll be fine in whatever you do. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Moondancer
04-25-2007, 07:23
You are right when you say that it does not get any easier when you get older. I am currently 61 years old. I have always wanted to hike the AT but due to life situations I was never able to do so. I began planning and saving a little at a time to hike the trail. I shared that information with my friends and fellow workers. It was clearly the wrong thing to do as the kindest comment that I got was that I must be getting senile. I guess that I had hoped that they would be happy for me and I think that I must have expected some moral support for the project. I was wrong. I was basically told that instead of hiking the trail I should semi retire and sit in my mobile home and enjoy my golden years by watching the satellite program of the AT hike. I am saddened that no one I know understands but I am still planning and trying to pay off all of my bills and save some money slowly so that I will be able to hike the AT. I had hoped to start my hike in 2008 but it appears that a more realistic plan will be to start in 2009. I am hoping to make some new friends in the meantime that will understand.