View Full Version : Mid Age Mom not getting support from family, HELP!
Cindy from Indy
08-09-2007, 08:23
I'm a 42 yr old Mother of two. Daughter is age 9 and Son is age 12. They have lived with their Father for about 2 years, however, we have joint custody and I see them regularly.
When I announced that I was hiking the A.T., it was met with considerable negativity and worry. I attempted to calm my kid's fears (mostly about bears, snakes and bad guys) and told them how I had arranged for them to come out to the trail 6 times over the course of my hike, however, they still don't like the idea at all!
My 12 yr old son is especially concerned and just doesn't understand why I need to do this. He says he thinks I'm fine and why would anyone want to have a 'trip of a lifetime'.
My 9 yr old daughter is actually coming to my defense somewhat. Initially she said she would miss me too much and is worried I might die. But last night she said "Mom's a grown woman and she can do whatever she wants to!" (that's my girl!:D )
My Mother is totally against it and has been very vocal about it. She cannot relate to this at all. She is sure I'll be raped, mangled, severely injured and dead before I finish. (If my Dad were alive he would be all for it and would want to walk a bit of the trail with me. Damn, I wish he was here!:( )
Anyway, have any of you ladies met with similar resistance from family and younger children? All feedback :welcome .
I met with so much resistance it was overwhelming. All of the why's, and the you want to do what's. If I was not truly determined to do it I would not have been able to go. My kids were grown and they did not want me to go because they felt it would not be safe. I kind of expected everyone to be supportive, but they were not. All of the questions of why I would leave my husband and family for 6 months and not be doing my duty as a wife and mother. I guess it is due to the fact that they just don't understand why a person wants to do this and what drives them to do it. Keep hold of your dream.
Pennsylvania Rose
08-09-2007, 08:55
So is this something that came out of the blue, or are you a backpacker who is expanding her horizons? I think it would be harder for your family to adjust to the idea if the former applies.
Maybe you can take your kids hiking or backpacking a few times between now and when you leave. They might like it enough that they'll be rooting for you. Or read them some entries on trailjournals. Or wait until they're older.
I'm worried about the same thing. I'm planning on a thru in 2010, twenty years after my first long hike on the AT. My oldest two will be 19 & 17 and want to thru with me. The others will be 16, 8 & 8. All the kids are backpackers, so they know what I'll be getting into. My hubby hates hiking and doesn't get my obsession, but is resigned to the fact that I can handle myself. I just worry about leaving the younger ones - how they'll adjust and what I'll miss.
Just make sure that thruhiking is your #1 priority. If it's not, there's no reason to upset your family, and you won't enjoy yourself. Otherwise, take some short trips between now and next spring, come back safe, and hopefully they'll realize that you won't get eaten by a bear or attacked by lunatics. Also, there are several threads here about quieting family members' fears. Sift through the forums, especially the women's forum.
Good luck!
Jim Adams
08-09-2007, 09:06
Cindy,
Rosie has some good advice there. It is great to have family support but the most important aspect is how you feel about it and why. The family can always come around to your thoughts and feelings IF that is YOUR true feelings.
You will be safer on the trail than you are at home.
Get your own head and feelings into exactly what you want and then go from there. I'm sure that you've heard the saying "hike your own hike" well think your own think!
geek
I started talking to my kids and husband about my desires 10 years ago. In that time they learned about the AT but they didn't really think that I was going to actually hike the trail until recently. I truly understand the part of the husband "resigning" himself to my hike. I do know that now that I have really started getting meals ready, completed my equipment tests, ordered the maps and in the process of finalizing my mileage itinerary, that my family is starting to tell others of my adventure. They deem me "nuts", but when push comes to shove, my family will be my biggest supporters. I have noticed a change in my trail barometer- for 9 1/2 years I was pushing against the opinions of others as they tried to discourage my "walk". Now I hear others telling others of my adventure with disbelief and amazement, and I am starting to get really anxious. So much to do, in so little time. I do believe that so much of the excitement is in the planning and preparation.
Good luck to you. They will come around.
Cindy from Indy
08-09-2007, 11:11
Part of the difficulty for my kids is that their step-brothers and sister are making fun of me and making this hike. I think that my kids aren't sure how to combat this. Peer pressure is difficult and I think perhaps they are reacting to that. I like the idea of educating them more about the trail. I think this will put their minds much more at ease. Thanks!!
They "make fun of you" now... wait til its over! They probably wont be able to say they know any other person who has accomplished such a feat!
My anticipated thru in '09 is kind of that way... my cousins, aunts, uncles... all did very well, (most graduated from Ivy League schools) sis, well, she married a rocket scientist, literally, so shes got it good. Me... well... its just me, divorced, only fur-kids, no one special in my life, step-dad is a creep, along with his 3 boys that will never accomplish ANYthing in their lives. This is my treat to myself, proving that I can do something stunning that no one in my family will ever be able to say they did!
But, know what? Im happy right where Im at, and going to do what I want to do. Whats the saying? You cant please all of the people all of the time? Do what you need to do!
Ok, I'm going to be the "bad guy", and tell it like it is, or at least how I see it. Its not about what "I" want to do, you have to do what is in the best interest of your children. In most cases that means spending as much time with them as possible. With them living with your ex, they are probabbly not getting enough of you as it is.
You said your nine year old daughter was comming around. Or maybe she is being manipulated, in order to win your approval. Nine year olds can not "give you permission" to duck your responsibilities.
Sorry for the harsh words, but with Dr. Laura no longer on the air, someone has to take her place. We can walk away from jobs, and other responsibilities, but our children come first.
Rain Man
08-09-2007, 12:05
Ok, I'm going to be the "bad guy", ....
Right you are.
Moms don't always have to stay home and dads don't always get to go out and hike. Nor is revolving a parent's (adult's) life entirely around and subservient to a child's life in anyone's "best interests." I say it sounds as if Cindy is balancing things pretty well,-- and what in life is not a balancing act? She's including these youngsters every month in her hike. Setting a good example for kids isn't such a bad thing. Indeed, it may be just what children need to see in parents,-- balance, caring, inclusion, goals, not taking the easy way out, valuing one's self, and accomplishment.
Six months go by in the blink of an eye, but the example lasts a lifetime.
Rain:sunMan
P.S. Apologies to the ladies for the testosterone intrusion! ;)
.
shelterbuilder
08-09-2007, 12:54
Cindy, I'm also going to "intrude" with my 2-cent's worth. If you have the time between now and your departure date, take your kids out on some SHORT, easy backpacking trips so that they can see first-hand what it is that has captured your spirit. They may never understand it, but sometimes it's enough that they see how important it is to YOU. (My Mom NEVER understood my love of the trail and the outdoors, but after I included her in some short trips, she could see how happy it made me to be out there. She never stopped worrying, but she knew that I was happy!)
It sounds like the step-kids are acting as Dad's mouthpiece to try to keep your kids from supporting you - there's not much that you can do about that. Just make sure that your kids know that you still love them in spite of your "obsession" - and from what you've said about including them at different points of the trek, I'm sure that they DO know.
Stay strong.
jmcgarrahan
08-09-2007, 13:01
Right you are.
Moms don't always have to stay home and dads don't always get to go out and hike. Nor is revolving a parent's (adult's) life entirely around and subservient to a child's life in anyone's "best interests." I say it sounds as if Cindy is balancing things pretty well,-- and what in life is not a balancing act? She's including these youngsters every month in her hike. Setting a good example for kids isn't such a bad thing. Indeed, it may be just what children need to see in parents,-- balance, caring, inclusion, goals, not taking the easy way out, valuing one's self, and accomplishment.
Six months go by in the blink of an eye, but the example lasts a lifetime.
I agree, my husband is on the trail right now he left March 31. We have 3 children, 10 year old twins, and a 13 year old son. At first when we sat down and discussed it as a family, the kids weren't excited, of course not, I wasn't, but as we agreed we (the kids and I) would be supportive, and the planning started the kids we very much involved, and since he has been gone, they have helped pack mail drops, written letters, done trail magic, traveled to the trail as far as Virginia, and from the day he left though it was hard they have a pride in their father, I cannot quite describe, they brag to anyone who will listen, where their dad is and how many miles he has hiked. We as parents feel we are teaching our children that no matter what your dream is, you should go after it, and hopefully they will be lucky enough to surround themselves with people who love them enough to support them no matter what.
Tough being a Mom eh. If men are naeanderthals, kids are dinosaurs. LOL.
Of course no matter what the kids say and do of course you are still their world. So do what you always do. Listen to them. Acknowledge their thoughts, feelings, and concerns. Include them in your preparations and your endeavours as much as you are able. Show them the world is place full of laughter and adventure, where courage is rewarded, mistakes are forgiven, and love is endless. Cheers.
Brrrb Oregon
08-09-2007, 13:30
I was hiking with my 8 year old son this weekend, and while we were on Mt. Hood, we heard a far-off rumble of thunder, which worried him a great deal. Over the course of our conversation, I explained to him that it is impossible to be safe from every danger. I told him about a roommate who blew out her knee in her twenties--totally off of it for months--because she tripped on a curb in a parking lot. Staying home or in town doesn't keep one safe.
You work for Homeland Security, so you can rightly claim that no one in the family understands risk assessment in the same way that you do. Your job is about life-and-death dangers. This is the whole challenge of homeland security: how to be safe without giving up the freedoms that makes life worth living: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness....which is to say, the pursuit of life's meaning. People have fought and died for that freedom; it is not something to take lightly.
You can explain to your son that one of the unappreciated dangers of life is the danger of living in fear and looking back in regret. Life is to be lived. His grandmother, to some extent, lives in fear. In contrast, you want to give him the example of a life of courage. As the saying goes, the coward dies a thousand deaths, but the courageous person only dies once. Only the courageous person knows what it is to live.
If you had been afraid to marry, for instance, you would not be divorced now. You took a chance, and a bad thing happened to you. That bad thing, though, isn't the only thing that happened to you. You would also not have him and his sister, nor the good times you had with your then-husband. If you had been afraid that their stepmom would somehow take your place, you could not have lived in peace with their other family. That took courage, too, but it was worth it. If you had been afraid of going out and finding a job, you would not be doing the work you are doing to keep other people safe. I'm sure your life is full of examples like that.
Ask your kids to be honest with you about this much: are they afraid for your safety, or do they need to have you there for them? If it is the latter, then be certain to make it clear that you do not intend to let your "hike of a lifetime" come between you and them. If they really do need you, you will happily come home to be there for either of them, and you will not fault them for that. If they only want you, then they need to learn the difference between making one's needs known to those they love and allowing one's wants to run the life of someone they love. You are the parent and the adult, though: you need to honestly help them sort out the difference between a want and a need. For instance, you're going to need to be able to articulate why you "need" to do a thruhike rather than a collection of section hikes. Why is this accomplishment so important to you? Is it the camaraderie with those you will journey with? Is it that you want a goal that you will rise up to meet even when it is not convenient on a particular day or which is, to some extent, not defined by the traveller herself, which is the way the journey of life is?
Still, you need to let them know that one of their needs, whether they know it now or not, is going to be the courage to do that of which others don't approve, to pursue goals in which success is not guaranteed, and to put value in things which do not have monetary value. When they are older, they will be able to draw their courage from your example. What a mother will not do for herself, very often she will gladly do for the welfare of her children.
Finally, you can explain how difficult their grandmother is making this for you, and let them know that you want to be the opposite for them: an example and a supporter of the journey that they will decide as they go through their adult lives. You want to be someone they can discuss their decisions with, someone who can help them turn over the pros and cons, full in the knowledge that letting you in on their hopes and fears won't require handing over the power to make their own decisions. When you have made this journey, however it turns out, they will know that you're the kind of person that can support a journey without agreeing with it, and who can help in a decision-making process without attempting to take it over.
I hope you have a mentor or a counsellor with some family experience to help you sort through this, though. This is the kind of thing where you don't want to learn-as-you-go. Find someone with experience to help you prepare for possible emergencies and unforeseen contingencies, just as you are for the physical aspects of the hike....you don't want your relationship with your children to go through a shock or hypothermia that could have been avoided.
PS Do you have someone you will be hiking with? Obviously, they won't be walking next to you most of the time, but just someone you'd camp with. Would it help allay your kids' fears if you could find such a person, knowing that they can't guarantee they'll be able to finish with you?
flyingduckmonster
08-09-2007, 14:13
Ok, I'm going to be the "bad guy" ... with Dr. Laura no longer on the air, someone has to take her place.
Dr. Laura (by the way, before listening to her advice, it's worth checking her page on wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dr_Laura)) would never approve of a woman doing a thru-hike. She'd say it's against our nature, or something equally inane and wrong. :mad:
I think Cindy from Indy is on the right path. Talking to your kids, listening to their issues, thinking about everything they say very seriously... all important! Show them what hiking is. Answer their questions honestly, talking to them them like adults. Also, I love that you're planning to meet up with them six times during your hike; that's awesome!
I agree with several of the other posters here that you should be for your kids what your mom seems unwilling to be for you. (And if it would be helpful and open her mind at all, you should point it out to her in those terms! Or, perhaps more constructively, you could provide her with the facts and statistics about where and how people are most likely to be "raped, mangled, severely injured, and dead," showing that the Trail is a safer place than most towns.)
Best of luck. I'll see you on the Trail. (I may well keep the name "duckmonster," but the "flying" is going to come off. I'll be the slowest hiker out there. :) )
Cindy from Indy
08-09-2007, 14:17
OMG! THANK YOU, THANK YOU! for the awesome advice! I appreciate the need to see all sides of a situation. I am committed to this hike, but now, I am also committed to comforting my children and acclimating them to what my hike will entail. :D
Rainman
I say it sounds as if Cindy is balancing things pretty well,
If that were the case, she would not be online asking a bunch of stangers for our opinions. Thats kinda of scary in its self, asking WB members to sound their opinion on something as important as family. Hell, we can't even agree on hiking poles, and filtering water.
JMC,
I do not know enough about yours or Cindy's situation to be able to say whether either is right or wrong, however, I know enough to say that you two are in an entirely different situations
Your family is intact. Dad is away, but he is still Dad. If need be he can and would leave the trail and get home and take care of things. Cindy's kids are already in a broken home, and not living with their mom. It sounds as if there is hostility with the step-siblings. The step-mother in all likleyhood is going to stand up for her kids. Does their dad stand up for his, or is he a wennie.
When I read this post and the replies, without knowing more, I can't get to excited about the thought of this nine year old girl seeing less of her mother.
Brrb,
Ask your kids to be honest with you about this much: are they afraid for your safety, or do they need to have you there for them? If it is the latter, then be certain to make it clear that you do not intend to let your "hike of a lifetime" come between you and them. If they really do need you, you will happily come home to be there for either of them, and you will not fault them for that. If they only want you, then they need to learn the difference between making one's needs known to those they love and allowing one's wants to run the life of someone they love. You are the parent and the adult, though: you need to honestly help them sort out the difference between a want and a need. For instance, you're going to need to be able to articulate why you "need" to do a thruhike rather than a collection of section hikes. Why is this accomplishment so important to you? Is it the camaraderie with those you will journey with? Is it that you want a goal that you will rise up to meet even when it is not convenient on a particular day or which is, to some extent, not defined by the traveller herself, which is the way the journey of life is?
This is just the kind of manipulation I was talking about.
BTW, walking the AT for Cindy or anyone else, is a "want" not a "need"
jmcgarrahan
08-09-2007, 14:25
How is a father being gone any less of a thing than a mother?
buckowens
08-09-2007, 14:37
Cindy,
Forgive my intrusion to the girls side, but I may be able to help a bit. First, your kids will warm to the idea as soon as something "cool" happens, or they get to come out. You can click on my trail journals and see where my 9 year old daughter and I just did Georgia. You might show this to your kids and it may help a bit.
Secondly, I have been a State Trooper for about 11 years now. I am currently on a military leave of absence, as the work conditions and benefits are quite a bit better. I have investigated every type of crime there is to include numerous murders, rapes robberies etc., and have put a few folks in jail for life that sorely deserved it. I am about the most distrustful person there is, but I think I have some good reason to be. All of my buddies were concerned when I hiked the trail as well, especially when I went by myself two weeks ago...
When I hiked the trail I can unequivocally say that I met some of the nicest people that I have met in some time. They were all helpful and caring, and really felt like family. Maybe it is the shared experience or the sharing of hardship, but it was different. I consider myself a pretty good judge of character, especially after talking to someone for a short period of time.
With the normal precautions (don't tell folks your itinerary and such) I see the trail as a pretty safe place. The dirt bags are on drugs or alcohol and in most cases do not have the energy or the desire to climb to the top of Sassafras Mountain to commit a crime. The road crossings are always where I kept an eye out, especially near a deserted forest road. Still, I had nothing occur that made me nervous.
Just my one and a half cents, but I thought I would post this as it might help. Good luck and know that it will change your life for the better.
jmc,
Gender is not the issue. The difference in the two situations, is your kids, even with dad temporarily gone are still part of an intact family. They have less liklyhood of "feeling abandoned" because you are there, being supportaive. Cindy's kids are in an environment where her kids are not likley to get a lot of positive feedback regarding her, while she is gone. I just don't see where this is in the "best interest" of her kids.
Cindy - you are 42, in nine years you will be 51, your daughter will be 18, you would still young enough to do the hike.
Cindy from Indy
08-09-2007, 14:48
If that were the case, she would not be online asking a bunch of stangers for our opinions. Thats kinda of scary in its self, asking WB members to sound their opinion on something as important as family.
Strangers you may be, but I think I am correct in assuming that we all share the commonality of loving the A.T.. I am simply trying to get an objective point view from ladies who may have come across this problem.
I do believe that it is slightly different for the Father to be gone versus the Mother, especially at this age (9-12) or younger. The 'Mother' is typically the nurturer/supporter/most influential. My situation is not typical, however, I do have a very good relationship with my children. They feel lucky to have two "Moms". :cool:
I AM HIKING THE A.T., GA to ME in '08. That is not debatable for me. However, this unexpected reaction from my kids kind've threw me and I was reaching out for advice. I do appreciate all who take the time to give! Thank you! :sun
Mountain Hippie
08-09-2007, 15:09
Part of the difficulty for my kids is that their step-brothers and sister are making fun of me and making this hike. I think that my kids aren't sure how to combat this. Peer pressure is difficult and I think perhaps they are reacting to that. I like the idea of educating them more about the trail. I think this will put their minds much more at ease. Thanks!!
Cindy, There are articles in newspapers, online and here on whiteblaze that may give your kids some perspective on what a thru-hike can mean. I don't believe peer pressure will have as much of an impact if they are better informed and able to give an educated response to the less educated individuals that ridicule you for wanting to hike and them for supporting you. It may also put them in a position to educate their peers on what a thru-hike is and why it means so much to you and others that have choosen to do one.
I wish you the best in your endeavors. The people here have already given you some good advice and I am sure they will continue to do so.
Slightly off topic, I wonder why we don't have a kids version of Whiteblaze? I know that some forums are subscription only so that certain subjects are not out in the open for all (kids included) to see, yet I believethat it would be nice for children to have their own special place to read articles and threads that are written specifically for them.
When I visit the grandchildren I usually don't expect them to watch the same programming on T.V. or read the same books as I do and come away with the same understanding. The thought of a thru-hike is possibly to large of idea for a younger person to grasp. Maybe if we could break it down it would be easier for the children and young adults to understand.
A Kids Whiteblaze would be an area that children could express their concerns and hopefully get responses from their cohorts and a little guidance from their peers.
If anyone is interested in this I may open a thread to test the water and see if it can be done.
bulldog49
08-09-2007, 16:01
As much as I would love to abandon everything and take-off and hike for 6 months, I would never leave 9 and 12 year old children for that length of time, and I say that as a father, not a mother.
The trail isn't going anywhere, it will be there in 10 years when they are on their own. What kind of example would that set for your children about taking care of your responsibilities?
jmcgarrahan
08-09-2007, 16:14
Why does it have to be abandonment? Why can't it be a family event, that everyone has taken part in? When you are talking about taking 6 months off of work, the planets only line up in way that makes this sort of thing possible only once in a lifetime for most. I am not saying it's easy, no it isn't but as the one at home, I know this has truly made us a closer family. My husband has dreamed of this his entire life, and when it became possible we were all very supportive, there came a point when it became to much for him and he came home to be with the kids and I, he was home 3 days and the kids and I knew he had to go finish, and that is what he is doing now. My daughter wrote him a letter the other day to include in the latest maildrop and I will qoute her here...."Daddy you doing this makes me beleive dreams really can come true if you work hard and people love you. I miss you, but you are right this last few months have flown by" this from a 10 year old daughter to her father. I guess it all depends on what hiking the trail means to the individual.
Cindy from Indy
08-09-2007, 16:19
Well, truth be known, I will have to have both hips replaced before I'm 50, due to injuries I received in an auto accident 23 yrs ago. And, I just found out I only have one kidney. Not that that is a big deal, but when you are 42 and you are only just now finding this little detail out about your body:eek: , you tend to re-assess things.
I am healthy now, in a good financial spot to leave my job now and I'm just mentally ready to do it now. Not 10 yrs from now.
I honestly didn't think I would have to defend myself in this. I guess I was wrong. :confused:
jmcgarrahan
08-09-2007, 16:20
You don't have to defend yourself, and you shouldn't. You have to do what is best for you!
Brrrb Oregon
08-09-2007, 17:01
As much as I would love to abandon everything and take-off and hike for 6 months, I would never leave 9 and 12 year old children for that length of time, and I say that as a father, not a mother.
The trail isn't going anywhere, it will be there in 10 years when they are on their own. What kind of example would that set for your children about taking care of your responsibilities?
My husband has a friend who said that once about Mt. St. Helens. It is still there, but it isn't the same mountain. The part of the mountain he decided not to climb with his companions that day is gone. That is the way mountains are. It just isn't always so obvious.
I say this as a mother: I think we support other parents in letting them know our experiences, in pointing out where possible problems and solutions might lie, what sort of repercussions and rewards certain directions might have to offer, and in letting them know that none of us is perfect. When it comes to what values to pass on and how to do that, though, we need to tread very cautiously. I would not have told an astronaut to stay off the moon or a climber to stay off Everest until her children were grown, and these are much more dangerous undertakings. I say this, knowing climbers who died on the mountain before their children were raised, but whose children went on to climb in their footsteps. There are families in which journeys of just that type are the collective heritage, passed from one generation to the next. That hers is the first generation to do that does not make that an improper example for her to set.
Her children do not have her there on a day-to-day basis now. Even if they did, it is her unique responsibility to discern what their needs are and how she might best meet them. If she is making arrangements for them to meet her on the trail--a privelege that many children never experience, sadly enough--she is hardly abandoning them. Furthermore, we don't even know her, her personal journey, her ex-husband and his family, or the children. Within some very broad boundaries, I think we'd be wise to give her the latitude that is her perogative as their mother and, quite frankly, as a human being. I would want my mother given the same; our children would want the same for us.
Nevertheless, in the sense that you are saying what you would or would not do, how you would consider it related to your responsibilities as a father, I think it is only fair that she hears all sides from those who understand what it is that she wants to do. That is what she asked for, the opinion of those she knows to have considered the same quest.
I have no plans for a PCT thruhike right now, either. I say that because I discern that it would not work at all for our family, not because they wouldn't support me if I decided to do it. I say that not knowing whether or not ten years will change a thing: I might have a family member in a wheelchair to care for by then, for all I know. But that is my story. Only she knows hers.
cindy form indy, go for it. if your children will share in your prep, they will feel good about you doing the trail.
shelterbuilder
08-09-2007, 17:45
Well, truth be known, I will have to have both hips replaced before I'm 50, due to injuries I received in an auto accident 23 yrs ago. And, I just found out I only have one kidney. Not that that is a big deal, but when you are 42 and you are only just now finding this little detail out about your body:eek: , you tend to re-assess things.
I am healthy now, in a good financial spot to leave my job now and I'm just mentally ready to do it now. Not 10 yrs from now.
I honestly didn't think I would have to defend myself in this. I guess I was wrong. :confused:
You don't need to defend yourself in this. It seems to me as though all of your ducks are pretty much in a row. Go for it. Go for it NOW. Ten years down the road, who knows what other hurtles you'd have to jump to do it. "For those who understand, no explanation is necessary; for those who do not understand, no explanation will be enough.":sun
wrongway_08
08-09-2007, 18:42
Go for it!
The kids will be fine. Your kids will learn a lot from this also.
Brrrb Oregon
08-09-2007, 18:47
I am noticing a lack of "I tried it and wish I hadn't: here's why" responses.
Programbo
08-09-2007, 19:15
I didn`t have time to read all the replies but skimmed over them and can see a lot of what I`d say has already been said..But maybe if you hear it a number of times it may sink in more...If you have not been a long time backpacker then of course your announcing a thru-hike will meet with negative results...The best way to ease everyones worries (And greatly increase your chances of a successful thru) is to get some backpacking/hiking miles under your belt and show that you are serious about it and it is something you love to do...If they see you go on day hikes regularly and enjoy it and then go on weekend hikes etc this will show it is not something you are getting into without knowing what it is all about and that you have gone and come back many times with no ill effects
Programbo
08-09-2007, 19:23
I am noticing a lack of "I tried it and wish I hadn't: here's why" responses.
That`s because most of the people with little or no hiking experience who try it and fail just disappear...When you figure that 25% of those who start a thru quit at the first opportunity and almost half are gone within a week-10 days there are a lot of people deciding to do this who have no idea what they are getting into and in all trurthfullness should never have tried.... Obviously it is a free country and everyone has the right to do what they wish but there is always a "bottom line" and the fact is a lot of people get this dream-like view of what a thru-hike will be like and end up getting quite a shock
Jim Adams
08-09-2007, 19:29
Cindy,
Hike your hike and enjoy every moment. There is a reason that Dr. Laura isn't on the air any more!
geek
Brrrb Oregon
08-09-2007, 20:57
That`s because most of the people with little or no hiking experience who try it and fail just disappear...When you figure that 25% of those who start a thru quit at the first opportunity and almost half are gone within a week-10 days there are a lot of people deciding to do this who have no idea what they are getting into and in all trurthfullness should never have tried.... Obviously it is a free country and everyone has the right to do what they wish but there is always a "bottom line" and the fact is a lot of people get this dream-like view of what a thru-hike will be like and end up getting quite a shock
True, but the amendment is usually in how they wished they'd tried differently, rather than regret that they'd tried at all. It is a dream that dies hard.
That anyone would seriously consider an attempt to thruhike the AT, with all that entails, without substantial backpacking experience, however: that still floors me. Anyone who's ever backpacked knows that backpacking is another horse from a day hike. You'd think you'd do a couple of weeks out alone in a tent at some point before you sold the farm, quit the job, and all of that.
I have heard that this happens with a far lower frequency on the PCT and the CDT: that is, far fewer try, but a higher percentage succeed in hiking the whole thing and far fewer drop out so quickly. Maybe the absence of shelters and the lower number of people make those trails seem farther from civilization and therefore more forbidding. Who knows.
Sorry again for the testosterone intrusion. But Cindy I think you've received a tremendous ammount of great advice here. Listen to the detractors just tp hear what they have to say but don't let them sway your resolve. I've been in the Navy a little over 13 years and while 6 months away from home is nothing to shake a stick at, it is entirely doable with no ill effect on your relationship with your family. Besides, you've made monthly arrangements to see them!! That's awesome!! I would loved to have been able to see my family every month during a six month deployment!!!
And for those who say something silly like I didn't have a choice about going on a deployment your wrong. I voluteered for the Navy, just like everyone in the our Armed forces today.
Absense really does make the heart grow fonder. I think you'll find that your thru-hike will in the long run make your bond with your children stronger.
You're going on an adventure, they will realize that at some point and be very excited for and proud of you.
The only truly scary cosequence I see is that some of your spirit of adventure will rub off on your children and someday it'll be you consternating about them leaving on some far off or lengthy adventure when they're all grown up!!!
Hike your hike!!
mobileman
08-09-2007, 23:56
Cindy GO DO IT GAL! I'll be the old fart out there that you zip by. As I watch you pass me by, my aches and pains will say "why didn't I do it when I was younger".
I have heard that this happens with a far lower frequency on the PCT and the CDT: that is, far fewer try, but a higher percentage succeed in hiking the whole thing and far fewer drop out so quickly.
Sorry to put my Y chromosomes in here.. :)
But, I think most people who attempt the PCT (and esp. the CDT!) are experienced backpackers (and usually past thru-hikers).
Though the PCT is getting more and more people new to long distance hiking, most of the people who attempt of the PCT usually have some backpacking experience under their shoes.
The CDT is almost completely people who have thru-hiked before. This may change as the CDT gets more well known...
The AT is well known enough now that people who have no idea of camping, much less backpacking, will attempt the trail; with varying results.
Just my observations.
(Going back to my corner. Thank you)
Brrrb Oregon
08-10-2007, 13:02
Sorry to put my Y chromosomes in here.. :)
But, I think most people who attempt the PCT (and esp. the CDT!) are experienced backpackers (and usually past thru-hikers).
Though the PCT is getting more and more people new to long distance hiking, most of the people who attempt of the PCT usually have some backpacking experience under their shoes.
The CDT is almost completely people who have thru-hiked before. This may change as the CDT gets more well known...
The AT is well known enough now that people who have no idea of camping, much less backpacking, will attempt the trail; with varying results.
Just my observations.
(Going back to my corner. Thank you)
I hope you don't stay in the corner too long.
I'm just floored that any thru-trail anywhere has such a large fraction of newbies attempting it in its entirety. It's kind of like: gee, what should I do with my new bike, now that the training wheels are off? Gosh, I think I'll retrace the Tour de France. Great ambition, not impossible, but the prematurity of it is still staggering.
Again, I think that relative proximity of the AT to civilization, its higher level of traffic, and the degree to which it is better marked--i.e., the perception of a far lower likelihood that unforeseen disaster will lead to hiker death--may be an explanation. If you suffer some long-distance hiker system failure out in the middle of some scorching desert, dozens of miles from any human habitation, you can die. Even dreamers don't often get that romantic about thru-hiking.
Again, I think that relative proximity of the AT to civilization, its higher level of traffic, and the degree to which it is better marked-
I think you are correct. That fact and the sheer publicity of this trail vs. the others. There is no PCT or CDT equivalent of WALK IN THE WOODS.
(I'd don't know how many times I've been asked if I read that book)
It is what backpacking Europe was in years past: The great adventure. A grand lark. Something to do that everyone has heard about.
Luckily, as you pointed out, the AT is more forgiving of being new to the outdoors.
Experience is a great teacher; the tuition can be very high. :)
I'm a 42 yr old Mother of two. Daughter is age 9 and Son is age 12. They have lived with their Father for about 2 years, however, we have joint custody and I see them regularly.
When I announced that I was hiking the A.T., it was met with considerable negativity and worry. I attempted to calm my kid's fears (mostly about bears, snakes and bad guys) and told them how I had arranged for them to come out to the trail 6 times over the course of my hike, however, they still don't like the idea at all!
My 12 yr old son is especially concerned and just doesn't understand why I need to do this. He says he thinks I'm fine and why would anyone want to have a 'trip of a lifetime'.
My 9 yr old daughter is actually coming to my defense somewhat. Initially she said she would miss me too much and is worried I might die. But last night she said "Mom's a grown woman and she can do whatever she wants to!" (that's my girl!:D )
My Mother is totally against it and has been very vocal about it. She cannot relate to this at all. She is sure I'll be raped, mangled, severely injured and dead before I finish. (If my Dad were alive he would be all for it and would want to walk a bit of the trail with me. Damn, I wish he was here!:( )
Anyway, have any of you ladies met with similar resistance from family and younger children? All feedback :welcome .
my boys will be 12 and 14 soon and i have been taking them on hiking and kayaking trips all their life so they think nothing of it,maybe you can take them on car camping and day hiking trips to ease them into getting more comfortable in the outdoors before you do your hike,by the way you are not middle age,42 is still young,i will be 49 and i still feel young,good luck:cool: neo
Brrrb Oregon
08-10-2007, 13:28
Luckily, as you pointed out, the AT is more forgiving of being new to the outdoors.
Experience is a great teacher; the tuition can be very high. :)
Amen.
Let the newbie note: the AT is still wilderness, quite unforgiving of fools.
Studiously avoid learning your last lesson the hard way.
Cindy from Indy
08-10-2007, 13:52
I am at this very moment planning 4 overnite/hiking trips @ 3+ nights per trip in the hilly-est areas in Indiana. (there are damn few, I can tell you! LOL)
I want to try and experience the most weather situations that I can, even snow, although, I doubt I'll come across snow while on the A.T. since I'm leaving in mid-April. But U never know!!! ;)
I have taken my kids camping A LOT since they were born. They are good campers and enjoy tenting and being outside. But I've not really taken them on any of my hikes, besides our trip to Mammoth Cave last year. They did enjoy that a lot, however, it was in caves and with lots and lots of people.
I plan to take many of the suggestions brought up in this forum to heart, and include my kids in much more than just having them brought to me 6 times while I'm hiking. This could be an incredible learning opportunity for all of us and perhaps I can instill a passion for the outdoors in them as my Father did for me.
My son is an Eco-geek anyway. He has the passion to save the earth, that's for sure! :sun
Again, I want to thank everyone for all the feedback. Good and bad. It has truly helped me to see all sides of this situation.
Cindy From Indy :)
I am at this very moment planning 4 overnite/hiking trips @ 3+ nights per trip in the hilly-est areas in Indiana. (there are damn few, I can tell you! LOL)
I want to try and experience the most weather situations that I can, even snow, although, I doubt I'll come across snow while on the A.T. since I'm leaving in mid-April. But U never know!!! ;)
I have taken my kids camping A LOT since they were born. They are good campers and enjoy tenting and being outside. But I've not really taken them on any of my hikes, besides our trip to Mammoth Cave last year. They did enjoy that a lot, however, it was in caves and with lots and lots of people.
I plan to take many of the suggestions brought up in this forum to heart, and include my kids in much more than just having them brought to me 6 times while I'm hiking. This could be an incredible learning opportunity for all of us and perhaps I can instill a passion for the outdoors in them as my Father did for me.
My son is an Eco-geek anyway. He has the passion to save the earth, that's for sure! :sun
Again, I want to thank everyone for all the feedback. Good and bad. It has truly helped me to see all sides of this situation.
Cindy From Indy :)
i bet they would really love hammocking,here are my boys hammocking:cool: neo
http://www.hammockforums.net/gallery/showimage.php?i=1170&c=2
aufgahoban
08-10-2007, 13:59
Cindy- I think a lot of how your children might perceive this hike of yours depends on how their father feels about it and probably how your mother feels, especially if they are vocal about it. I take it by the way you have planned out to see them 6 times during your hike that you do have some sort of support system. If you involve the kids in the pre planning and have them around positive influences concerning the hike, then they'll warm up quickly to the idea. If they are old enough to help with your trail journal upkeep and with mailing mail drops and things of that nature, that will keep you bonded during your times apart. If you have a pocket mail or some way to email them back and forth, you could have a lot of fun keeping up with what they are doing, and they with you. Just cause you are out walking, doesn't mean you can't still be an intergal part of their lives and teach them to go for their dreams first hand, not just talking about it. I don't see you hiking as leaving them at all. It also teaches them that Mom is a person to. That's something important for them to learn. Some times they tend to forget that little detail.
I've noticed a few things about kids after being a mom for 17 years. As much as I love em, it's obvious that the little gems are professional guilters. It's just in their nature to be selfish, especially in the teen age years. They don't mean to be, they just are in their own worlds and trying to discover things. They want you there because it makes it easier for them to have you there. Having you away for a little while might help strengthen your relationship more than ever. You won't take eachother for granted as much afterwards, imho. But no matter what you do, they will guilt you. They just do that. I bet you already know all this. You have to let it roll off and not get to you. Hopefully they'll come around before you leave and be your cheering section! I wish you the best of luck!
Brrrb Oregon
08-10-2007, 14:20
I've noticed a few things about kids after being a mom for 17 years. As much as I love em, it's obvious that the little gems are professional guilters. It's just in their nature to be selfish, especially in the teen age years. They don't mean to be, they just are in their own worlds and trying to discover things. They want you there because it makes it easier for them to have you there. Having you away for a little while might help strengthen your relationship more than ever. You won't take eachother for granted as much afterwards, imho. But no matter what you do, they will guilt you. They just do that. I bet you already know all this. You have to let it roll off and not get to you. Hopefully they'll come around before you leave and be your cheering section! I wish you the best of luck!
This is nearly as certain as that you will hear "I hate you" and "You are mean" at some point in your parenting career, and usually when you are doing exactly what they do need, but what they don't happen to want.
We were all like that. You can take it a "guilt trip" as an expression of a need, just not the need they think it is: that is, the need to have their fears heard, not necessarily to have them indulged, the need to learn to take the road that is less certain but that honors reality more, and so on.
:sunSometimes the best way to enlighten people you love as to why you do things is to just do them and allow them to form their opions after the event.
see ya in the woods
wudhipy
aufgahoban,
it's obvious that the little gems are professional guilters. It's just in their nature to be selfish, especially in the teen age years. They don't mean to be, they just are in their own worlds and trying to discover things. They want you there because it makes it easier for them to have you there. Having you away for a little while might help strengthen your relationship more than ever. You won't take eachother for granted as much afterwards, imho. But no matter what you do, they will guilt you. They just do that. I bet you already know all this. You have to let it roll off and not get to you. Hopefully they'll come around before you leave and be your cheering section!
These are not teenagers. She is nine years old. She isn't throwing a guilt trip in order to get designer jeans, or the latest "whatever all the other nine year olds in her class" have. Most nine year olds if told their mother is going away, and will only see her once a month, would not deal with it very well. This is "normal" for a nine year old. What is not "normal" is for mothers to leave their kids for extended periods of time, so they can have fun.
Everybody is giving Cindy advise on how to get the kids to "come around". I do not think nine year olds have maturity to deal with this. But it doesn't really matter since the hike is going to take place anyway. Good luck!
wudhipy,
Sometimes the best way to enlighten people you love as to why you do things is to just do them and allow them to form their opions after the event.
I know I have been the lone dissenting voice on this thread. I have tried to keep it civil, stick to the issue, and not do any name calling, however, this is the dumbest thing I have ever read on WB.
shelterbuilder
08-10-2007, 16:25
Jessebrent - do most nine-year-olds have the emotional maturity to deal with being uprooted from "home" and friends when parents have to relocate because of work? NO! But with love and support from their parents, they adapt and "come around". As long as there's love and support, the kids will be okay. Kids are more resilient than you give them credit for.:sun
Brrrb Oregon
08-10-2007, 16:52
aufgahoban,
These are not teenagers. She is nine years old. She isn't throwing a guilt trip in order to get designer jeans, or the latest "whatever all the other nine year olds in her class" have. Most nine year olds if told their mother is going away, and will only see her once a month, would not deal with it very well. This is "normal" for a nine year old. What is not "normal" is for mothers to leave their kids for extended periods of time, so they can have fun.
Everybody is giving Cindy advise on how to get the kids to "come around". I do not think nine year olds have maturity to deal with this. But it doesn't really matter since the hike is going to take place anyway. Good luck!
I know I have been the lone dissenting voice on this thread. I have tried to keep it civil, stick to the issue, and not do any name calling, however, this is the dumbest thing I have ever read on WB.
I think you've been doing a good job of keeping it civil. Even in the hiking community, the people who would actually do this, there are those who would agree to some extent with the naysayers in Cindy's own family. That may give her the knowledge that this is not just about they "don't understand". This is an issue about which informed people can have deep differences.
Nevertheless, she doesn't have to accept the ways they have gone about expressing their positions, if those ways have crossed over into the territory that is disrespectful of her authority to make choices as a parent or for herself as a human being. She is not suggesting something that would make her either an unfit parent or a mentally unstable person, so no one should presume to take the choice from her. You're not crossing that line. Her mom shouldn't, either. Refusing to accept it when others you love cross boundaries, and the way you go about respecting them in the process, this is a great lesson for children.
I am on the side that says that once a parent has listened to their child, really listened, it is up to the parent to decide what the child needs, not the child. This is not selfishness, nor self-centeredness. There are different decisions a parent in her place might make. I don't mean to make a relativist statement that whatever she decides is right. I mean that seeing the best thing for her family is something that is uniquely hers to discern. You can't go through parenthood without making any mistakes. You can, however, stick to those choices that will allow you to look yourself in the mirror and your child in the eye, both now and decades from now. Cindy has made it pretty clear where she thinks that litmus test is going to lead her, come next spring.
That is one suggestion I'd make, though, Cindy: do not make this into a power struggle between yourself and those who say you can't or shouldn't do it. If your own best sense says, "Wait", even at the last minute, then don't let a desire not to lose face keep you from listening.
As Steven Covey says, "The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing." You may find this journey you are on now, the one that gets you to that first trailhead or that turns you from it temporarily, will be the journey that makes the biggest mark on your soul and gives you the greatest legacy to hand on to your children. Give that inner journey as much of your inner resources as you intend to give to the one on foot. I don't mean to torture yourself over it. I mean to go deeply into it, and into yourself in the process. You won't regret it. You may find that this resistance from your family makes you one of the best-prepared of those you meet, on that first day. A little resistance training, after all, can be just the thing to give a soul strength.
leeki pole
08-10-2007, 17:34
Go. When you have the opportunity, take it. "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get." Forrest Gump
Jessebrent,
Every time I read one of your posts I get this feeling that you're talking about Cindy leaving and never comming back. She is coming back. She is in fact making arrangements to involve her children in the entire process of the thru-hike and even making arrangements for her children to participate on the trail. She's not abandoning her children, in any way shape or form...
Brrrb Oregon
08-10-2007, 18:06
Jessebrent,
Every time I read one of your posts I get this feeling that you're talking about Cindy leaving and never comming back. She is coming back. She is in fact making arrangements to involve her children in the entire process of the thru-hike and even making arrangements for her children to participate on the trail. She's not abandoning her children, in any way shape or form...
Still, if Cindy were to come on and say, "You know, I'd love to thruhike next spring, but I just wouldn't feel right leaving the kids right now. I'll go when they're older", I would respect that, and not try to argue with her.
I'm 44, my kids are 8. Their granny lives with us, and they and their dad could probably manage without me, if I were gone somewhere for 6 months. Obviously, if I were hospitalized or in a coma or something, they'd have to. But as for a chosen trip like that, this isn't the time for me....and I say that knowing well that I may never have a better time than now.
She asked for input, and I think she is grown-up enough to hear honest answers, as long as the answers respect that her decision is still hers to make. In that sense, I think Jessebrent is right to say what is on his mind, knowing that it might not be what she wants to hear. Again....if nothing else, it lets her know that even people on the trail are going to be split on their opinions. It is important that when she makes her decision, she makes it so strongly that she does not need the validation of anyone else on the trail in order to go out and live it.
Shelterbuilder,
I don't think any comparison can be made between a job relocation and a 6 month vacation. The same is true of a military deployment. Sometimes it is necessary. To take a 6 month vacation at the expense of being with your kids is highly questionable in my mind.
Brrb,
I had trouble understanding your point, so let me clarify mine.
Parents have a duty to raise their children. They often have to make tough decisions, that their kids, may not agree with. Mistakes will be made. The important thing is to keep the childs "best interest" in mind.
BTW you are 44. Your daughter is 8 in ten years you will be 54, the "perfect" age to thru-hike.
Smudge,
I NEVER said she was never coming back. In post #48 I mentioned they would see their mom once a month. However, 9 year olds do not process information the same way adults do. Many kids when their parents divorce "feel" abandoned. Now we can debate what I said, lets not debate what I did not say.
I am going to the Cohuttha tommorow with my son and grandson. I hope this thread is gone when I get back.
Cindy, I hope I have not offended you, God bless you and have a wonderful weekend.
Jim Adams
08-10-2007, 18:50
Cindy,
If you are worried that you have to raise your children in a more conventional way to satisfy the rest of America....just buy them a Playstation! They will never know that you're gone for 6 months! Seems to work for the majority of American families out there.
just go!!!! The kids will love you for what they will learn from your trip and I'll bet that they endd up hiking with you for short distances.
geek
Brrrb Oregon
08-10-2007, 19:57
Shelterbuilder,
I don't think any comparison can be made between a job relocation and a 6 month vacation. The same is true of a military deployment. Sometimes it is necessary. To take a 6 month vacation at the expense of being with your kids is highly questionable in my mind.
Brrb,
I had trouble understanding your point, so let me clarify mine.
Parents have a duty to raise their children. They often have to make tough decisions, that their kids, may not agree with. Mistakes will be made. The important thing is to keep the childs "best interest" in mind.
BTW you are 44. Your daughter is 8 in ten years you will be 54, the "perfect" age to thru-hike.
Smudge,
I NEVER said she was never coming back. In post #48 I mentioned they would see their mom once a month. However, 9 year olds do not process information the same way adults do. Many kids when their parents divorce "feel" abandoned. Now we can debate what I said, lets not debate what I did not say.
I am going to the Cohuttha tommorow with my son and grandson. I hope this thread is gone when I get back.
Cindy, I hope I have not offended you, God bless you and have a wonderful weekend.
I see your point, and under average circumstances, I'd say it has a lot to be said for it. As I said, I'm not planning on going anywhere soon, not for longer than three or four days.As I have said elsewhere, it has crossed my mind that in ten years I could get my twin boys to put some of my stuff in their packs for this kind of expedition. (They're built like Morgans, just like their dad. I think I could really load them up.)
My point is, and I say this as a 44-year-old who hasn't had to go through a divorce, that this thruhike may be far more akin to a sabbatical for Cindy than it is a vacation. There are legitimate personal and even professional reasons for someone in her position to make the hike she's planning, reasons that might change her ability to be a mother and even to contribute to society in profoundly positive ways. If she said she was going to Mexico for 6 months for Spanish immersion or to France for a year to finish her master's in art history, my answer would be much the same. She's not suggesting 6 months on a beach, looking for one-night stands in an effort to reclaim lost youth and sucking down her retirement money in the form of mai tais.
For instance, I know that Teddy Roosevelt, when his wife Alice died, essentially "abandoned" his young daughter to the care of his sister, while he went West. I wouldn't doubt that some criticized his decision to go out into the boonies and "play rancher" for those years as a selfish choice made at the expense of his daughter. The question is whether the daughter would have been better off in the long run, had he stayed with her or taken her away from the rest of the family in order to be with him. I would not rush to answer that in the affirmative. It wouldn't be the average choice, but Teddy Roosevelt wasn't an average guy, and the Roosevelts weren't an average family.
Difficult circumstances can sometimes shift healthy behavior to regions far afield from the average. It can be tough on the kids, yes, but Cindy may honestly not have an option that would be easier on them in the long run.
So yes, she may instead be a foolish woman in a mid-life crisis making an ill-conceived trip that is going to further demoralize her, worsen her financial situation, and estrange her from her children. In that case, I think it very likely that if, in the coming months, she listens to her children, gets some wise counsel from someone who can hear her entire story over the course of many hours, and considers the trip carefully, she will change her mind about it. She will still be ahead of where she would have been, had she not allowed herself to consider it at all. If it is that important to her, she should be the one who talks herself out of it, and no one else.
On that account: she asked your honest opinion, and she does need to hear it. It is valuable, it is a viable way of looking at the situation.
That's my 2 cents, for what it's worth.
shelterbuilder
08-10-2007, 23:38
Shelterbuilder,
I don't think any comparison can be made between a job relocation and a 6 month vacation. The same is true of a military deployment. Sometimes it is necessary. To take a 6 month vacation at the expense of being with your kids is highly questionable in my mind.
Brrb,
I had trouble understanding your point, so let me clarify mine.
Parents have a duty to raise their children. They often have to make tough decisions, that their kids, may not agree with. Mistakes will be made. The important thing is to keep the childs "best interest" in mind.
BTW you are 44. Your daughter is 8 in ten years you will be 54, the "perfect" age to thru-hike.
Smudge,
I NEVER said she was never coming back. In post #48 I mentioned they would see their mom once a month. However, 9 year olds do not process information the same way adults do. Many kids when their parents divorce "feel" abandoned. Now we can debate what I said, lets not debate what I did not say.
I am going to the Cohuttha tommorow with my son and grandson. I hope this thread is gone when I get back.
Cindy, I hope I have not offended you, God bless you and have a wonderful weekend.
Jessebrent,
I have to agree with Brrb, this is NOT a vacation; rather, it is more like a sabbatical , only this one isn't related to job issues - it's related to life issues. And while I agree with you that parents need to act in their children's best interest, I think that you may have missed the point that, since an AT thru-hike is a life-changing experience, the hike has the potential to make Cindy an extraordinarily better person (and MOM) down the road. Like the road construction signs tell us: "Temporary inconvenience, permanent improvement". And I think that if Cindy was just "going on vacation", she would not be going to such lengths to involve her kids in this endeavour.
Pennsylvania Rose
08-11-2007, 09:23
Exactly. My husband and I just had a discussion last night about pretty much this issue. He knew when we met that I want to thru someday. He sees it as an abdication of responsibility and, especially, deserting him for six months. But I wouldn't begrudge him if he got the opportunity to study under some great chef in Europe for six months, or if he became "the first chef in space" :) I'd actually be upset with him if he gave up a life enriching experience just because he felt he "had" to stay with me and the kids. It's a basic difference in personalities (one we're working on). So, there's no right or wrong answer to Cindy's problem - she has to do what's best for her and her family.
Programbo
08-11-2007, 19:52
....... I'm just floored that any thru-trail anywhere has such a large fraction of newbies attempting it in its entirety. It's kind of like: gee, what should I do with my new bike, now that the training wheels are off? Gosh, I think I'll retrace the Tour de France. Great ambition, not impossible, but the prematurity of it is still staggering.
As a final thought on this angle...What amazes me isn`t so much that people with basically no hiking experience head out to start a thru-hike but that they head out to attempt it AND do it in ultra-light mode...A certain combination for hardship...Don`t get me wrong I`m not saying that these folks shouldn`t follow their dream but since most of them first post about it a year or so before they leave TRY and get in some hiking miles and exercise some before you go at least..Don`t be posting on here 2 weeks before you leave asking what kind of pack you should buy or what kind of food to take :eek:
wrongway_08
08-11-2007, 21:37
I still think it is great, not only will you grow and learn new things about yourself, your kids will also. They will grow from this thru-hike also.
Every day you see kids being raised by the TV, play station, game boys - even while eating out at dinner, boy I could break those stupid game boys over the parents head!!!!
My father went away a few times for different reasons, work, relaxe time, vacations and a few times to just to do what he wanted to do. My mom was at home - so its the same thing Cindy's kids are going through. I learned a lot from those times, how to take care of myself, responsibility, how to pull together to help out the family and I would not change it if I could.
My father did the same thing Cindy is going to do - he included me in on the plans and allowed me to help out, what better way to show a child he/she is important and you have faith in them - you trust them enough to take care of details for you. I was stoked with pride that my father/mother held me in such high regards!
Go hike.
akaGrace
08-12-2007, 14:46
This, IMHO, is a very personal decision that only you can make. You will and have, found an equal part of opinions on both sides of the fence and hoping to get more responses that support your wishes to thru this year will not make it 'right'. Only you can decide what is right for you and for the kids. May I suggest though that if you do decide that you should hike this spring that you take the time to get to know your childrens teachers and explain to them what you are getting ready to attempt. You can supply the teachers with A.T. maps and guide books. Wingfoot's is a good one if you can find a copy. You can take pictures along the way and send the to the teachers. This way, perhaps the teachers can incorporate your journey ( and the flora, fauna, historical markers and towns along the way) into classroom lessons. The entire class can follow your progress as you hike north. This just might make your kids pretty proud when they can say "yeah, that's MY mom !"
Cindy from Indy
08-13-2007, 13:05
Very, Very COOL idea!! Thanks! :D
Appalachian Tater
08-13-2007, 13:40
Pardon the intrusion. I have been following this thread but always hesitate to comment in the pink-background threads.
However, I want to voice support for your hike. There is so much negativity towards your planned hike and it is causing you to have some doubt at times.
However, since you have decided to do it, everything and everyone will fall into place. When you hear the negative voices, try to understand that the negativity is based on fear. Your family will learn as much from your hike as you do.
Enjoy your hike!
The Weasel
08-13-2007, 14:55
Cindy, I've read your post, and pondered it a lot. This is the woman's forum, and should stay that way, as much as possible. But, unlike you, I've been a 12 year old boy, and had some tough times when I was that age. As a Scout leader, I've also worked with several hundred boys that age, and the combination gives me some perspectives that may help. I hope you (and others) will forgive me for posting:
First, 12 year olds are very emotionally challenged. They feel themselves becoming men in a lot of ways, and saying 'good bye' to being a boy. Feeling the sense that "mom" is leaving them even further means a greater loss of childhood. That can be very scary for a young man. More than you may realize, you represent much of his past, and seeing you "leave" can be tough.
Second, at that age, six or seven months is almost more than can be imagined by a young man, while to an adult it is simply a longish time away.
And last, you are doing something that is outside of any of his frame of reference, little different than for you to land on the moon. He probably knows no one who has done anything like this, and has little knowledge of what you will be doing. That is terrifying, too. I use the word intentionally.
None of these are reasons for you not to go; that is a call that only you can make. But I ask you to try to understand where your son's head is at, too. Doing so can help make your trip better, for both of you. Perhaps it would be useful to meet with a trained counselor, who can help find what his concerns are, and help you (and others) deal with it.
Us guys have psyches that are no less - and no more, I'm sure - tender than women's. But just as men (and boys) may not understand women, sometimes women don't fully understand why we feel as we do. In this case, I hope you, and he, find those answers.
The Weasel
Shelterbuilder,
I don't think any comparison can be made between a job relocation and a 6 month vacation. The same is true of a military deployment. Sometimes it is necessary. To take a 6 month vacation at the expense of being with your kids is highly questionable in my mind.
While I'm not completely unsympathetic to your basic point, this particular comparison isn't as good as you think it is. Nowadays, no one points a gun at anyone's head and forces them to join the military. That's not to say that no one who has kids should be in the military, because that would cause this nation big problems--but it may not be appropriate in every situation. And it's definitely true that not all job relocations are involuntary. Some people move to different jobs to further their own advancement without considering how it will affect their kids. Others sacrifice parts of their careers or income so that their kids can remain in an environment that is better for them. There are plenty of things parents do that have at least some negative impact on their children.
I am at this very moment planning 4 overnite/hiking trips @ 3+ nights per trip in the hilly-est areas in Indiana. (there are damn few, I can tell you! LOL)
Somewhat off topic: I assume you're familiar with Brown County SP. I spent much of my childhood in Indiana and always loved going over there.
I think you are correct. That fact and the sheer publicity of this trail vs. the others. There is no PCT or CDT equivalent of WALK IN THE WOODS.
(I'd don't know how many times I've been asked if I read that book)
And even before Walk in the Woods, I guarantee you that if you grabbed the average person off the street and asked them to name one hiking trail over 2000 miles, most of them would come up with the AT. But I bet not too many could come up with many others.
Many young people today are joining the armed forces out of a since of duty. I do not think leaving your children for a six month vacation, is morally equivalent to military deployment, or job relocations.
And yes, a thru hike is a vacation, its not a sabbatical.
Jim Adams
08-16-2007, 01:17
Many young people today are joining the armed forces out of a since of duty. I do not think leaving your children for a six month vacation, is morally equivalent to military deployment, or job relocations.
And yes, a thru hike is a vacation, its not a sabbatical.
Have you thru hiked the entire AT?
It can be fun, it can be work, it can be stressful, it can be tiring, it can be beautiful, it can be miserable, it can be sickening at times, it can be a challenge, it can and most likely will be life altering but I've done 2 thrus of the AT and 1,000 miles of the PCT and not once was any part of the hikes a vacation!
Although on a far lesser degree of danger and accomplishment, I feel as though a completed thru hike has a journey of emotions and work very similar to one of the astronauts who went to the moon...I never heard them describe their trip as a vacation.:-?
geek
Many young people today are joining the armed forces out of a since of duty. I do not think leaving your children for a six month vacation, is morally equivalent to military deployment, or job relocations.
And yes, a thru hike is a vacation, its not a sabbatical.
OK, at 31, I may seem very young to you, but do the math. I joined the Military in 1994. There was no sense(sp) of duty. No war. No great heroic endeavor. It was during the Clinton era for Christ's sake. The military was all but taboo then...(still is if you ask Billary)
I had terrible grades in high school and since(sp) I'm one of six kids, Mom and Pop were in no kind of financial shape to foot the bill for college, my grades sure weren't going to do it either. But Uncle Sam sure would. So I took him up on it. And here I am today, 13 years later, still serving proudly,(still haven't gone to school{I figure being a 38 yr old freshman when I retire won't be so bad}) and only have seven to go.
Don't for just one minute that everyone in the Military is there for some higher sense of Duty. When I ask the 23 "kids" under my command why they joined, 20 of them say "for the college money".
Therefore, my analogy of an Overseas deployment still fits the bill. It was a choice. I chose to join the Navy for finacial gain. How morally shallow is that?? It's worked out well for me and my family. I'm a much stronger person. My family still loves me very much and are very proud of what I do and where I've gone. They in turn have a stable household(financially as well as emotionally) with the best benifits and medical coverage that someone with my salary could ever wish for.
When I retire, I'll have the inner strength, experience, and confidence to take on what ever comes my way. Not much in this world can compare to the obsticles I've already overcome. The tears, the joy, the separation. They've all made me stronger.
I'm willing to bet that Cindy from Indy and her family will feel the same after this thru.
Hike your hike Cindy.
Shelterbuilder,
Smudge,
I NEVER said she was never coming back. In post #48 I mentioned they would see their mom once a month. However, 9 year olds do not process information the same way adults do. Many kids when their parents divorce "feel" abandoned. Now we can debate what I said, lets not debate what I did not say.
Hang on now, I said I get the "FEELING" that you're saying Cindy's abandoning her family. I'm reading your tone and inflection. Maybe I'm reading too much. I humbly apologize if I am.
Once again, just a quick apology to the Female Forum. I'm done and will carry any further correspondence to PM's... Thank's for reading and listening.
Frolicking Dinosaurs
08-16-2007, 06:10
Cindy, Female dino here. While I think you can hike and stay close to your children, it will require lot of work. Regular phone calls, letters, pics. Bringing them to where you are to hike a bit? Perhaps your 12 yo son would like to be the transcriber for your journal?
I'm a 42 yr old Mother of two. Daughter is age 9 and Son is age 12. When I announced that I was hiking the A.T., it was met with considerable negativity and worry. I attempted to calm my kid's fears (mostly about bears, snakes and bad guys) and told them how I had arranged for them to come out to the trail 6 times over the course of my hike,............................. .
You go, girl!
see u out there next year.:D
Smuge,
Even if one joins the military out of selfish motives, and not out of a sense of duty, it still is not a good analogy. While on deployment, these men and women are providing for their family. Their service helps meet their family's financial need. Just leaving to do something you want to do, that does not benefit your family is not morally equivalent to military deployment, or job relocations.
Jim Adams,
No I have not thru hiked the AT, and have no plans to. Hiking, backpacking, camping is what I do on weekends. Even though its hard, hiking is still recreational. We may just have to agree to disagree on that one.
Cindy,
Who is going to drive your kids to the trail, from Indiana, 6 times, next year?
Jim Adams
08-16-2007, 10:49
Jim Adams,
No I have not thru hiked the AT, and have no plans to. Hiking, backpacking, camping is what I do on weekends. Even though its hard, hiking is still recreational. We may just have to agree to disagree on that one.
No, once you have completed a thru and still feel that thru hiking is pure recreation, then we can agree to disagree. Until then, you don't have a basis for your findings.
:-?
geek
Cindy from Indy
08-16-2007, 11:36
I actually have friends who don't think I'm being selfish with regards to hiking thru the AT. :eek: Yeah, I DO!!!
In fact, they support me so much they are willing to meet me at different intervals with my kids so that I can have some physical interaction with them. I also will have a cell phone with me and will be making regular contact with them as I go into town to re-supply.
jessebrent, I am moving into the second half of my life. The first half wasn't so great. The second half is going to be FANTASTIC!! I can't help it that my Mother was too scared to go out and grab her slice of life. I can only love and support her. But MY children will have a role model in me during a very important part of their lives, who isn't afraid to take a chance, accomplish a life long goal and go for her 'slice'!! :sun
I appreciate your freedom to express your opinion in this forum, however, I can express mine too and I feel that you are WAY OFF BASE when you indicate that thruhiking the AT is a vacation!
Cindy,
I do wish you the very best. I do not know you. You are probbably a great mom, and have your childrens best interest in mind. I have no reason to think otherwise.
I think my involvement in this thread has run its course. I should not have been on the female forum in the first place. If I were to do a thru hike and treat it as a sabbatical, maybe I would not be such an a$$****.
PS according to geek you too, have no basis for your opinion that thru hiking is not a vacation.
Cindy from Indy
08-16-2007, 12:28
You do like to have the last word, don't you!! ;) That's cool :cool:
My idea of a vacation is a 5 star hotel on a beach with room service for every meal and lots of Mai-Tai's to drink by the pool, where gorgeous men give free massages!!! Can you saw "Calgon, take me away.....":D
bulldog49
08-16-2007, 14:48
Removed - out of line
Cindy from Indy
08-16-2007, 15:17
Response to comment that has been removed
Time for more muppets? (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7055970764786353371&q=muppets&total=9948&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0)
Smile. Remember us people with Y chromosomes are guests here. Let's act like it..'eh? :sun
dixicritter
08-16-2007, 17:32
Note to the males... this is the Female Hikers Forum and there are rules here about leaving the "Neanderthal" comments out on the rest of the site. In other words if you can't keep it toned down in here without the sexist remarks don't bother to post.
Thank you.
wrongway_08
08-16-2007, 17:51
Like I said before, DO IT!
Your kids will learn a great deal about the trail, you, themselves, life and responsibility.
I know this is the womens forum but just cant help to post and say GO FOR IT!!
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As for bulldog49s coments - totally uncalled for.
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I find it a shame that people would say these things. Your kids have a chance in a lifetime to be part of this with you. Such a sign of pride/respect that they will recieve knowing you think so highly of them. The lessons of going after your dreams, learning to work together, over coming problems along the way.
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Pennsylvania Rose
08-17-2007, 08:07
GO CINDY!!!!
'Course I'm biased - I plan to do the same thing in a few years.
Rain Man
08-22-2007, 10:07
Cindy, here's a passage from pages 88-89 of David Miller's book "Awol on the Appalachian Trail." He left his kids (same ages as yours) to thru-hike in 2003. His wife has brought the kids to Virginia to see their dad--
"Jessie, Rene, and Lynn walk with me for 1.8 miles from Mills Gap to Bearwallow Gap, in a token bit of sharing the adventure with me. The trail is misted over by fog, but the girls are giddy, skipping along, singing their impromptu song which consists of the five-word lyric, "We're hiking the Appalachian Trail" repeated until their dad asks them to stop.
"Even though our walk will take less than an hour, I bring food and my water filter so we can stop at a stream and take a break, just like I would do on my own. During the seven weeks I have been hiking, my daughters have always seemed to be doing fine. That is what they say when I talk to them on the phone, and that is what Juli tells me. To dig deeper into their thoughts, I pose a question to them; "Would you like for me to come back home, or would you like me to continue hiking"? I don't really know what answer to expect. It would hurt me to know if they felt strongly about me coming home. I would continue to hike with the added burden of guilt.
"Lynn is reticent, but Jessie and Rene answer resoundingly, "We want you to finish the trail!" Having braced myself to hear of how they have missed me, I am taken aback by the "You better not be thinking of quitting" tone of their answer. They have seen newspaper articles about my hike, and talk about it at school. They have taken ownership of the endeavor and it is fortifying to know that they are proud of what I am doing."
Anyway, Cindy, I thought you might like that passage, from another parent who "left" kids to hike the AT, and what those kids thought of their parent's accomplishment.
BTW, the book is a pretty good read and I recommend it.
Best to you.
Rain:sunMan
.
My anticipated thru in '09......This is my treat to myself, proving that I can do something stunning that no one in my family will ever be able to say they did! Very well stated Cuffs!
Cindy - you are 42, in nine years you will be 51, your daughter will be 18, you would still young enough to do the hike.[/quote]
JesseBrent....just curious. Do you have children and if so, what ages? Have you ever gone hiking without your children, or left them behind for some other selfish reason?
The only things I regret in my life are the things I have not done. Don't miss out on an opportunity of a lifetime!
Cindy from Indy
01-08-2008, 10:54
Quote:
Originally Posted by HIKER7s http://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/wb_style/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/showthread.php?p=495577#post495577)
yep, AND the infection now crawling around the hearts of the new people on the trail, such as currently attempting a thru or gearing up for one. THERE HAS to be a percentage of these people now re-considering.
Nope, not re-considering at all!! I refuse to be fearful. Careful, yes, but not fearful! I am more determined than ever now!!! I'll have pink bows on my hiking boots in Meredith's memory!! The rock cairn at Blood Mtn is a great idea.
I am so mad I could spit!!! :mad: These stupid pyscho jerks are everywhere, not just on the trail. If a lady carries herself with confidence and purpose and uses some common sense, she'll be alright. But, as someone else said, if a person really wants to kill you, they will. But that's true everywhere, not just the trail.
My hike is about hiking. It's not about getting to go into town or to party. I will need to go into town for re-supplying, however, my relations with people will be strictly with other hikers on the trail.
This website has such awesome and sage advice. All hikers, but especially the newbie lady hikers, should take all this advice into consideration. Do whatever makes you feel safe and able to sleep at night.
GA>ME '08 OR BUST!!!!
Hammock Hanger
01-09-2008, 19:57
Unfortunately, we will all hike with just a tad more fear in our hearts. I thought that I had finally gotten past that and had moved on. With all that has happened I have looked back at my past few years out on the trails, some of the things I have done now make me wonder how I am still alive!! Alive I am, however, and I will not stop hiking and I love solo hiking!! I will probably be a little more judgemental and weary for awhile but I will be out on the trail, of that I am sure!!!
I have said this before; I was raped in broad daylight, while with a friend, just off of a very busy street. So, I was doing all the right things and it happened anyway. Be weary, be alert but don't let it over take your life.
HIKE on....
Cindy from Indy
01-09-2008, 23:27
You are wonderful for not letting that experience ruin your life. That means he didn't win!! You are truly inspiring :)
The Weasel, that was a very heartfelt post. Thanks for sharing that here, I learned something. :)
You could get mauled by a bear & Die.
You could get bit by a snake & Die.
You could fall off a cliff & Die.
You could get struck by lightning & Die.
Or,
you could stay home,
sit on the couch,
eat potato chips,
& Die.
:rolleyes:
trailblazer30577
05-12-2008, 18:23
Cindy,
Perhaps a good course of action would be to accomplish the trail in sections with your family, rather than as a thru-hiker without their support. Some of the concerns they have are valid, and there are dangers, as many current threads have shown. Why not rethink your goal, acknowledge the valuable input of your family, and do it together, some of the time, and alone some of the time, with your family along as your loving shuttle providers who don't charge you a dime? There is a lot of enjoyable life along the A. T., in the communities, and you can set your sites on making those places a special part of doing it together, even if it takes longer. I can't even imagine how many folks may have heard a lot of "whys" on the way out, and a lot of "I told you so's" on the way back. The trail is the journey, but so is life, and even if you are successful, doing it in one spirit with your family will make it more of a joy.
glacier48
05-12-2008, 19:36
What an exciting adventure you have coming up. I understand your concerns and worries about not seeing the children for awhile.
I leave in 3 weeks for a 3 month hike. My 23 son who lives with me is less than enthusiastic about my hike. He feels that I am crazy and will get very hurt or die on the trail. I have explained what this trip means to me and how I need it emotionally and physically. He still didn't get it.
I tried communication with him and I am determined that his negativity will not stop me from going. I just figure that he is too emotionally immature to understand my point of view. I know that eventually, maybe 5 years or so he will be proud of me and perhaps he will understand.
I expect your kids won't understand or like the fact that you are going but someday they will. Sometimes the talking needs to end and the actions should begin. Kids learn by example and I too think you should follow your dreams in a responsible way.
I am sure your kids will be oK with your ex, if not you would not leave them with him. Perhaps your time away with let their relationships grow. Good luck to you and your children.
Enjoy the trail,:sun
Glacier
Just Jack
05-12-2008, 20:27
Cindy--I can only say that I sure do hope that you are on the trail.
Would it be asking too much for you to bring us up to date?
Whatever you decided, it was the right thing!!
Squeamish
05-12-2008, 21:36
Go for it!!! You may not be able to do it again. We are doing one week on the trail (staring in Demascus) and i am PUMPED!!! I hope that you have a good voyage and I am sure that your kids will think that you're super cool!!! I would think that my mom was even cooler if she did it!!! Oh, if you need any advice go to the Extreme Outfitters on 116th at and keystone. by McAllasters deli and Old World Market. There are quite a few female staff there so if you have any questions especcially for them, that would be more than happy to answer your questions. I live in Zionsville so I know the area reasnably well.
Bear Cables
05-13-2008, 13:54
Ok, I'm going to be the "bad guy", and tell it like it is, or at least how I see it. Its not about what "I" want to do, you have to do what is in the best interest of your children. In most cases that means spending as much time with them as possible. With them living with your ex, they are probabbly not getting enough of you as it is.
You said your nine year old daughter was comming around. Or maybe she is being manipulated, in order to win your approval. Nine year olds can not "give you permission" to duck your responsibilities.
Sorry for the harsh words, but with Dr. Laura no longer on the air, someone has to take her place. We can walk away from jobs, and other responsibilities, but our children come first.
I agree with this. As a mom of two now grown young men and a hiker, my question is why now? Why not wait until the children are older or more independent, like in college. You are young and still have lots of years to thru hike. Why not include the kid in section hiking with you. What an experience that would be! Then when the time comes they will understand and may even want to do it during their lives.
trailblazer30577
05-13-2008, 21:47
Hi, ladies.
I did not know it was a ladies forum when I added my thoughts. My apologies.
desdemona
05-13-2008, 23:40
I agree re: the safety issue and most trails. There are exceptions to this but most trails are safer than most city streets. However, the incidents are few and dramatic, whereas on the city streets they are so common as to be unreported.
My best friend worries more about my hiking than she does in my teaching at one of the toughest high schools in the city. And even less does she worry about my driving 30 miles round trip.
Driving to the trail (from Indiana) is most likely and statistically the most dangerous part of your trip-- but would your family worry so much if you drove to some eastern state? I doubt it.
I have argued about that endlessly with my friend who still seems concerned. She has agreed with me. So I think these things aren't always entirely rational. It's funny how people's minds work.
--des
I agree with this. As a mom of two now grown young men and a hiker, my question is why now? Why not wait until the children are older or more independent, like in college. You are young and still have lots of years to thru hike. Why not include the kid in section hiking with you. What an experience that would be! Then when the time comes they will understand and may even want to do it during their lives.
see post #25...
nchikergirl
05-19-2008, 12:58
Hi Cindy-
I am leaving my 16 year old while I go ME-GA this year. I am lucky she is excited for me. She is a little fearful, but thinks it's cool.
I'm sorry you have met with so much negativity. I'm not going to get into the details of pros/cons -- I'm afraid you might regret not going, if you choose not to.
You know you want to do this, and sound ready-- go for it! :)
colleen
Bear Cables
05-26-2008, 20:56
see post #25...
Right. I posted before I got to that response. It makes sense to want to go now. I sounded pretty judgemental . :o Sorry.
People often raise objections because they'll miss you and want you around. That doesn't make a good argument so they conjure up bears and rapists to feel better about their selfish desire to keep you near them. It's not their fault. Other folks are just jealous.
Two points I'd like to share.
To us adults, six months is like the blink of an eye. To a child, six months is a longggggg time (like 5 percent of their entire lives!). Of course they're going to be a little strange with it.
I have six kids, three of mine and three of hers.
My oldest is 25, my youngest is 15.
I've been planning my thru for several years now and started taking my 15 year old out backpacking when he was 12 (we went to the wind river range) and try to spend at least one weekend a month in season on the trail together. This year we're going to Glacier for a week.
Getting them familiar with the trail is a critical part of my strategy to make them all comfortable when the day comes. They were all a little freaked out at first, but with a little time they have all become very comfortable with backpacking.
Perhaps a few section hikes with your 12 year old may help, a few overnights with your daughter? Let them experience a little of what it means to you.
As for the other .... perhaps they may like it and want to do a section or two with you during your hike? At a minimum they should be helping you with the planning process ... it may be your hike, but there is no reason why they can't be a part of the whole adventure, how much a part you'll have to work out together.
Can they help with the food planning? Mail drops? equipment selection? Maps? route planning? Logistics?
Little Rock
05-26-2008, 22:51
Do it while you can. I'm 20, grew up in a small community and this is the first time I've been away from home. Headed out from Damascus, only got about 7.5 miles. A strap on my backpack broke. I hide it under a truss walked back to town to get another one. Got back to where I'd hide my other one with all my stuff and someone had stolen it. Have been in Damascus for about a week now working to replace my things so I can get back on the trail. No regrets having a great time. All's Good!!!
Point is there's no time like the present--Go for it!!