View Full Version : Hiking Humor
Rain Man
11-11-2003, 22:19
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools ... and the intelligence to cross this river."
And God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
Streamweaver
11-11-2003, 22:58
Who the heel are you Alan Alda??? sheesh!!!!!!!! Streamweaver
Rain Man: I liked the joke. Strange how some get so worked up over such small things.
Rain Man
11-12-2003, 08:25
Rain Man: I liked the joke. Strange how some get so worked up over such small things.
Well, so far I'm a bent-fer-hell, sexist, mean-spirited, Alan Alda impersonator! LOL
I have a thick skin, but thanks all the same fer balancing the load being dumped on me. :sun :sun
Anyway... apologies to the rest.
Rain Man
Youngblood
11-12-2003, 08:28
Rain Man,
I like the joke.
Youngblood
Blue Jay
11-12-2003, 08:51
Thanks Rain Man for the laugh, but we cannot have humor on this site. Everything must be massively serious. That joke sounded very politically correct to me, male bashing, the only target we have left, and pro women. To Will, you know what you can do if you can't take a joke?
Uncle Wayne
11-12-2003, 09:23
Nothing wrong with the joke. My wife has outsmarted me several times while crossing streams.
Hang in there Rain Man.
Good joke. I've seen several non-hiker variations. Maybe we need a joke forum.
steve hiker
11-12-2003, 12:43
I can't believe it. How can anyone be so "politically corrected" as to find offense in that little joke? :confused: I can only imagine how traceyam would react if she heard my negro jokes.
Streamweaver
11-12-2003, 13:04
Well as far as the Alan Alda crack is concerned it was a joke !! Dont have a cow man ! Sheesh. Streamweaver
squirrel bait
11-12-2003, 13:47
What does a thru hiker say to scare away wasps?
Boo Bees :p
I can't believe it. How can anyone be so "politically corrected" as to find offense in that little joke? :confused: I can only imagine how she would react if she heard my negro jokes.
Please forgive Steve. After all, he's from Louisiana.
No Tennessee jokes please.
This is an oldie, reworked to be "hiking humor":
Southbounder meets Northbounder. Northbounder is pushing a three-legged pig in a wheelbarrow.
SOBO: Uhh, why are you pushing that pig in a wheelbarrow?
NOBO: Because he's earned it! This is the most amazing, loyal animal I have ever known. In the Smokies, I was attacked by a pack of wild boars. This pig singlehandedly fought them off and saved my life!
SOBO: Wow!
NOBO: That's not all. I was trying to cross a rain-swollen river after a thunderstorm and got swept off my feet. Just when I was about to go under for good, the pig jumps in and pulls me to shore, nearly drowning himself!
SOBO: Damn!
NOBO: And, if I get to a shelter in a rainstorm and it's full, he squeals up a storm and snorts at the other hikers, and in a minute or two, there's plenty of room. Never fails.
The SOBO is nearly moved to tears.
SOBO: What an animal! But why does it only have three legs?
NOBO: Well, you can't eat a good pig all at once.
Saluki Dave
11-12-2003, 17:50
WO and XY - New chemical elements have recently been discovered.
Here, for the first time, is a description of their properties:
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: Don't even go there!
Physical Properties:Generally round in form. Boils at nothing
and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly.
Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Bright pink when discovered in the narural state. Turns green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: 180 +/- 50
Physical Properties:Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young
samples.
Chemical Properties:Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd
(Element: Child) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating
with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possible good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
ROTFLMAO
Ithought it funny, my wife did too.
Got any more?
Doctari.
My last time out I ran into a fidgety guy wearing a bracelet. He said that it had helped him more than anything yet. I asked him what the letters on it stood for and he said "What Would Jack Do". ;)
How to you tell what kind of hiker is behind you on the trail?
Put an M&M in the middle of the trail.
Day hiker will walk right over it.
Section hiker wll pick it up and eat it.
Thruhiker pickes it up and eats it - then digs for more.
Jim
The Weasel
11-16-2003, 10:43
[QUOTE=steve hiker]How to be politically corrected with women--
And just what does this have to do with the Appalachian Trail?
The Weasel
steve hiker
11-20-2003, 02:29
With the joke mill running slow, my funny bone's been working in different directions to meet my daily quota of humor. This came to me tonight while re-reading "Then the Hail Came," George Steffano's online book about his 1983 thru-hike. ( http://www.skwc.com/exile/Hail-nf.html )
While hiking through northern Virginia past Shenandoa he went by lots of ritzy estates with No Tresspassing signs everywhere. Then he went by this federal installation that was rumored to be a "safe house" for political bigwigs in the event of a nuclear war. Had tons of razor wire around the grounds, armed federal guards, and of course No Trespassing signs everywhere. My imagination kicked in and added this scene:
Hiker walks up to one of the federal armed guards and asks if he can use the Coke machine inside. Guard says no. Hiker then walks off about 50 feet, hollers something at the guard and shoots him the moon, then takes off running. Guard leaves his post and chases after the thru-hiker for mooning him. Wouldn't taht be a riot?:D :rolleyes: :confused: :-? :D :o
(Well, what d'you expect with no good lynchin's on the trail lately?)
MedicineMan
11-23-2003, 07:52
'You can determine the size of the man by the size of the things that bother him' -James Madison Love '92
just substitute woman in this case.
RainMan, I too loved the joke and have been outhiked, outpaddled, outbiked many a time by a woman-honestly I dont mind looking at a woman hiking in front of me!
Tenacious Tanasi
12-26-2003, 05:14
If one cannot laugh at one's self, then how can one laugh at all? :jump
He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.
He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.
He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.
He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.
He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.
He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.
He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.
He is not a bad dancer; he is Overly Caucasian.
He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.
He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.
He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.
He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is not short -- he is Anatomically Compact.
He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.
He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
He does not have a fabulous ass; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.
He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.
He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Under-circulated.
You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined.
You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
Tenacious Tanasi
12-26-2003, 05:17
I couldn't type a proper title for my response I was giggling so hard!!!
:D
Tenacious Tanasi
12-26-2003, 05:23
:clap :clap :clap
That was just way tooooo funny!!!! LMAO
Shoe Leather Express
12-30-2003, 04:59
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Uh oh, Shoe Leather Express...you're headed for trouble! :D Very funny, though.
True story: I had joined my dad for a week around Mt Rogers during his long hike in 2001. We came to the stile crossing into Grayson Highlands and a school group was taking a break there. They started asking my dad some questions, mostly typical ones. One little girl asked him, "How old are you?" My dad honestly and proudly replied, "I'm 73." There was a little pause and then another child perked up and, with a questioned look on his face, asked, "Well when did you start?!"
"Hey, I guess it's true what they say; the elderly, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can serve a purpose" (Lloyd Christmas)
some humorous (fake) gifts: http://www.outdoorsmagic.com/news/article.asp?UAN=1804&SP=&v=1
Rain Man:
LOVED YOUR JOKE ! :p
Keep the humor coming....we ALL need to laff & laff @ ourselves too!
the rest of the world can be SERIOUS biz....let's keep it lite!
JayBird
Subject: GOD AND THE ATHEIST
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. Running as fast as he could up the path, he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Every time he looked, the bear was closer.
He tripped, fell to the ground, and rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh, my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came from the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others that I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you now expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, and replied: "It would be hypocritical of me to ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could You make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The brilliant light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
Then the bear brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen."
Subject: Why Men Lie
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
mike
Jack Tarlin
12-31-2003, 17:40
This thru-hiker gets off the Trail in Hanover because of foot problems, and he's in so much pain he finally decides to consult a doctor.
In the examining room, he takes off his boots, but this causes him so much distress, he passes out cold.
Three days later, he wakes up in a hospital bed, and sees a very serious doctor leaning over him, sadly shaking his head.
Alarmed, the thru-hiker yells to the Doctor, "Doc! Doc! Tell me what happened to me! When can I get back on the Trail?"
The doctor shakes his head again, and says, "Son, I hate to tell you this, but your thru-hike is finished. You waited too long to come see us."
Horrified, the hiker yells "What's wrong with me, Doc?"
Doctor says, "I've got good news and bad news, son."
Hiker says "Well, get it over with....what's the bad news?"
Doctor says "Your blisters were so rotten we had to take off your whole left foot and half of your right leg, too. You'll never hike again."
Hiker says "Oh my Lord no!!!" After a minute, he looks at the physician and says, "Well Geez, Doc......telll me something cheerful. What the hell is the good news?"
The doctor brightens up and says "Oh, yeah. Almost forgot. The southbonder in the next bed if offering forty for your boots!"
And on that note, Happy New Year....... even to you Southbounders.
Streamweaver
12-31-2003, 19:01
The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
Happy New Year!!! Streamweaver
Dudeboard
01-31-2004, 01:23
Michael Palin, Eric Idle, Graham Chapman and Terry Jones (in that order) are sitting around the fire at night on the trail, drinking wine, smoking cigars, and reminiscing about the good old days.
Idle: Who would have thought, thirty years ago, we'd all be sitting here drinking Chateau de Chatterly, eh?
Palin: Them days, we'd be glad to have the price of a cup of tea.
Chapman: A cup of cold tea.
Idle: Without milk or sugar.
Jones: Or tea.
Palin: In a cracked cup and all.
Idle: Oh, we never used to have a cup. We'd have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.
Chapman: The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.
Jones: But you know, we were happy in those days, although we were poor.
Palin: Because we were poor. My old dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't bring you happiness, son".
Idle: He was right. I was happier then and I had nothing. We used to live in this tiny old tumbled down house with great big holes in the roof.
Chapman: House. You were lucky to live in a house. We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling.
Jones: You were lucky to have a room. We used to have to live in the corridor.
Palin: Oh, we used to dream of living in the corridor. It would have been a palace to us. We used to live on an old water tank in a rubbish dump. We used to wake up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us. House, humph!
Idle: Well, when I say "house", it was just a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of tarpaulin. But it was a house to us.
Chapman: We were evicted from our hole in the ground. We had to go and live in a lake.
Jones: You were lucky to have a lake. There were a hundred and fifty of us living in a shoe box in the middle of the road.
Palin: Cardboard box?
Jones: Aye.
Palin: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a rolled up newspaper in a septic tank. We used to have to get up every morning at six o'clock and clean the newspaper, go to work down at the mill fourteen hours a day, week in, week out for sixpence a week and when we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt.
Chapman: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, work twenty hours a day at the mill for twopence a month, come home and our dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle if we were lucky.
Jones: Well of course, we had it tough. We used to have to get out of the shoe box in the middle of the night and lick the road clean with our tongues. We had to eat half a handful of freezing cold gravel whilst working all day in that mill for four pence every six years and when we got home our dad would slice us in two with a bread knife.
Idle: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work and when we got home, our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves singing halleluja. [Murmured agreement among them]
Palin: And you try and tell the young people of today that...they won't believe you.
Idle, Chapman and Jones: No, no they won't.
SGT Rock
01-31-2004, 01:52
Secret Policemen's Other Ball.
Woudn't it be more funny for hikers if it were like Ed Garvey, Grandma Gatewood, Earl Schaffer, Myron Avery, etc sitting around talking about hiking the AT?
We used to have to walk 29 hours a day, sleep in a creek for a fee, etc etc etc
snuffleupagus
01-31-2004, 03:09
Two AT hikers are trying to get into a Harvard Poetry class .
One is from Maine and the other is from Georgia.
The Professor of the class remarks,” there is only one position left available in the class“.
In accordance to the rules at Harvard, the two AT hikers would be involved in a battle to wit’s end.
The professor says “Both of you go out during lunch and write an Iambic Pentameter with the word Timbuktu in it“.
Both the men go out during lunch and they sit at the bar to have a drink.
An hour passes, and they both return to class.
The professor says to the man from Maine. “Do you have your poem for me“?
The man from Maine stands to recite his poetry.
“Through the hot and dusty sand.
Rode our sultry caravan.
Camels bellow, two by two.
Destination Timbuktu”.
The professor says “ Wonderful, just marvelous. I myself could not have done better”.
A few moments pass. When the professor says to the man from Georgia.
“Do you have your poem for me”?
The man from Georgia pulls himself out of the seat by his suspenders and gives a solemn “Yup”
The professor says. “May I hear it”
The Georgia man replies. “Yup”
“Tim and me, a hunt’in we went.
We found three women’s in a tent.
They was three, and we was two.
I Bucked one, and Tim Buck Too”.
Shoe Leather Express
01-31-2004, 03:50
Two buddies are hiking the AT. After a few hours they stop for a bathroom break. While urinating one of the hikers gets bitten by a rattle snake right on the tip of the penis.
"Oh no," he says, "What am I going to do?"
The second hiker says, "Just sit down and stay put. I'll run into town and get some advice from the doc."
The hiker arrives in town, explains the situation to the doctor, and the doctor replies, "Take this scalpel. Make a small incision from fang hole to fang hole, then suck the poison out."
The second hiker hurries back to his buddy. When he arrives his buddy says, "So? What did the doc say?"
"Doc said you're gonna die."
Uncle Wayne
01-31-2004, 06:54
Michael Palin, Eric Idle, Graham Chapman and Terry Jones (in that order) are sitting around the fire at night on the trail, drinking wine, smoking cigars, and reminiscing about the good old days.
Dudeboard,
A classic Monty Python skit, one of my favorite. First time I've ever been able to understand all the words.
MedicineMan
01-31-2004, 08:27
most were really good!
steve hiker
01-31-2004, 08:41
Warren Doyle, Jack Tarlin, Blue Jay, and Dan Bruce (in that order) are sitting around the fire at night on the trail, drinking bourbon, smoking weed, and reminiscing about the good old days.
Doyle: Who would have thought, thirty years ago, we'd all be sitting here drinking Jim Beam, eh?
Tarlin: Them days, we'd be glad to have a cup of hot cocoa.
Blue Jay: A pot of ramen.
Wingfoot: Without flavoring.
Doyle: Or water.
Tarlin: In an aluminum cup and all.
Blue Jay: Oh, I never used to have a cup. I'd have to drink out of a grease pot - with the grease still in it.
Wingfoot: The best I could manage was to suck on a wet bandana.
Doyle: But you know, we were happy in those days, although we were poor.
Tarlin: Because we were poor. My old dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't bring you happiness, son".
Blue Jay: He was right. I was happier then and I had nothing. I used to live in these old rundown shacks with great big holes in the roof.
Wingfoot: Shacks. You were lucky to sleep in shacks. We used to live in a flimsy tent, all twenty-six of us, half the rainfly was missing, torn netting, and we were all huddled together in one corner to avoid the puddle in the middle.
Doyle: You were lucky to have a tent. We used to have to live in a hammock strung between the trees.
Tarlin: Oh, we used to dream of living in a hammock. It would have been a palace to us. We used to live under a plain piece of nylon, a tarp. We used to wake up every morning with the wind blowing rain in our faces. Hammock, harumph!
Blue Jay: Well, when I say "shack", it was just three sides of logs with wooden bunks hammered into the sides. But it was a home to us.
Wingfoot: I was evicted from our tent. I had to go and live in the privy.
Doyle: You were lucky to have a privy. There were a hundred and fifty of us living in the dirt in the middle of the trail.
Tarlin: The dirt?
Blue Jay: Aye.
Wingfoot: You were lucky. After we got booted out of the privy we lived for three months in a tarp rolled up like a taco. We used to have to get up every morning at six o'clock and hit the trail for fourteen hours a day, week in, week out for a cup of ramen and when we got home, the mice would thrash us to sleep with their tails.
Doyle: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the privy at three o'clock in the morning, clean it, eat a handful of mouse pellets, hike twenty hours a day for two more mouse turds, come home and our trail angel would beat us around the head and neck with a broken hiking pole if we were lucky.
Tarlin: Well of course, we had it tough. We used to have to get out of the privy in the middle of the night and lick the trail clean with our tongues. We had to eat half a pile of frozen bear scap whilst hiking all day for four more turds every six days and when we got back the bears would tear us to shreds with their claws.
Blue Jay: Right.
Wingfoot: And I tried to tell you fools you were all doing it wrong but ...you wouldn't listen to me.
Doyle, Tarlin, and Jay: No, no we wouldn't.
My dad, Brushy Sage and I were camping near Mount Rogers. After several hours of nice sleep I awoke my dad and told him, "Look up at the sky. What does that tell you?" Brushy opened his eyes and said, "Wow! Look at the millions of stars. Well PATCO, that tells me that the heavens are so great and the stars are beyond counting, but that we should not feel insignificant or small because the creator of all those stars and everything else also created us in His image. What does it tell you PATCO?" I told him, "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent!"
:-?
Later that day we were hiking along a well travelled secton of gravel road. I mentioned how strange it was that all the birds were lined up along the edge of the road facing the same direction. It made sense though when we soon came to a sign, "Caution, Burried cable".
:D
We found out what it was like to run short of cash while hiking last summer. I volunteered my painting services at one home. The man said he'd pay me $50 to go around back and paint his porch. When I was finished I carried the bucket and brush to the front and collected my payment. I thanked him and then told him, "By the way, that wasn't a porch. It was a Mercedes."
:mad:
Nightwalker
02-15-2004, 04:14
Can't we all just get along? :)
I suppose so, but I still thought it was funny, and I'm a male Christian, so if I were ultra-sensitive, it'd have been a double whammy.
Hey, my wife's a blonde who knows more blonde jokes than anyone I know of.
:)
Frank
Nightwalker
02-15-2004, 04:20
How to be politically corrected with women--
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT (et. al.)
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.
(My blonde wife's newest one)
:)
Frank
Nightwalker
02-15-2004, 04:45
Warren Doyle, Jack Tarlin, Blue Jay, and Dan Bruce (in that order) are sitting around the fire at night on the trail, drinking bourbon, smoking weed, and reminiscing about the good old days.
Oh, PLEASE re-post this on the AT-L!
Frank
.
(My blonde wife's newest one)
:)
Frank
A very attractive and very blonde backpacker goes up to the bar at a quiet, rural pub in one of the mountain towns along the AT. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak with him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, popping her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to gently suck on them.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers softly, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the
ladies room."
Weary
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steve hiker
03-01-2004, 20:06
G-g-g-g-ross not even them Jersey girls are THAT narsty! :eek:
A Georgia goes to Maine for a weekend of duck hunting. He has a very productive day on Saturday, as he'd filled the bed of his pickup truck with ducks. Before long, the game warden happens upon him.
Game Warden: Boy, you sure did get a lot of ducks there. Tell me, do you have tags for all those ducks?
Georgian: Yessir, I do.
Game Warden: Well, let's just see about that. (He picks up a duck, sticks his finger up the duck's butt, pulls it out and sniffs it.) Boy, this here's a Vermont duck. You have a ticket for this here Vermont duck?
Georgian: Yessir, I sure do. (He pulls a ticket out of his pocket, and sure enough, it was for a Vermont duck.)
Game Warden: (Pulls out another duck and repeates the above proceedure) Boy, this is a New Mexico duck. You got a tag for this New Mexico duck?
Georgian: Yessir, I do. (He pulls a ticket out of his pocket, and sure enough, it was for a New Mexico duck.)
By this time, the game warden is growing very irritated with the Georgian, but goes through several more ducks. He comes upon one that he says is a rare Alabama duck. Sure enough, the Georgian had a tag for it.
The Game warden, by this time, is furious.
"Boy, you're a smartass, ain't ya?" he asks the Georgian.
Georgian: No sir, I'm just an old country boy who had a good day hunting duck.
Game Warden: No, boy, I think you're a smartass. Where are you from?
Georgian: (He bends over, drops his trousers, and says: ) Well, Game Warden, since you're so smart, why don't you tell me?
steve hiker
03-02-2004, 20:30
An Olympic team skier, an Everest mountain climber, and an A.T. hiker were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The skier pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The mountain climber lifted his palm to his ear and held a conversation. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The A.T. hiker felt decidely low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The A.T. hiker finally said, "Well, will ya look at that, I'm getting a fax."
Okay. Time for an accounting. Who won the grossest contest?
Weary
Kozmic Zian
03-03-2004, 11:05
Dat funny, Weary.
minnesotasmith
06-08-2004, 02:05
Getting Old
A group of senior citizens were talking at the breakfast table in a Florida nursing home.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can barely even see my cup of coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which many nodded weakly.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another continued.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," commented yet another lady, and again they all nodded in agreement.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well it could be worse," said one old woman with resolute cheerfulness.
"Thank God we can all still drive."
============================================
Replying to Chinese SPAM
The government just ordered all ISPs in China to start monitoring email for subversive phrases and the like, so I started replying to Chinese spam with little replies of the form at the end of this spam. Might be a useful tactic on companies who think that unsolicited email is "just regular advertising".
"Jack(export manager)" wrote:
Dear Sir
How are you .
We are a lighting factory in China ,It is glad to introduce ourselves to you:
I am XUBIN (Jack) , XUBIN is my chinese name , you can just call me Jack !! , I am export manager of [deleted] , China, our group have four factory [snipped]
Here is our company profile :
[Rest of sales talk snipped]
(And now, the reply)
Thank you for your coded order. The weapons and ammunition will ship by way of the usual route in ten days, and you already know our secret Swiss bank account number to wire the payment to.
It is a pleasure doing business with you for so long, and I hope your cause will prevail. I am new to this particular computer, so I hope the encryption is working and the monitoring authorities cannot read what I am sending you.
Long live the Falun Gong! Free Tibet!
Best regards,
Your arms supplier
=======================================
Q: Why did Arnold Schwartzenegger and Maria Shriver get married? A: They're trying to breed a bullet proof Kennedy.
=======================================
A man decided that it was time to teach his son how to say prayers, so he spent a few nights teaching the son the basics. After the kid had learned them well enough to say on his own, the father instructed him that after he was done with the prayers each night, he was to choose someone special and ask for God's blessing for that person.
Well, little kids don't always realize that their pets aren't a person, so the first night the little boy said his prayers, he ended with "And God, please bless my puppy." The guy thought that it was pretty cute. However, the next morning the little dog ran out the door and was killed by a car.
That night the little kid asked God to bless his cat when the prayers were finished. And, sure enough, the next morning the cat slipped out and took on the biggest dog in the neighborhood and became breakfast. The father had started to make a connection here, but decided that it was just coincidence.
But when the kid asked God to bless his goldfish, the father couldn't wait for morning so that he could check up on it. As soon as he looked in the bowl, he saw the fish floating upside down on the top.
That night the little kid ended with "God, please give an extra special blessing to my father."
The father couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat breakfast in the morning. He was afraid to drive to work. He couldn't get any work done because he was petrified. Finally quitting time came and he walked home, expecting to drop dead any minute. When he arrived home, the house was a mess. His wife was lying on the couch still dressed in her robe. The dishes from breakfast were still on the table and the father was furious. He started yelling at his wife, telling her that he had had the worst day of his life and she hadn't even gotten dressed. She looked at him and said, "Shut up! My day was worse. The mailman had a heart attack on our front porch!"
============================================
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
===============================================
Forest Service Complaints
A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
================================================= (http://misterharold.net/joker/src/jkrevg01.htm)
Pencil Pusher
06-14-2004, 00:28
There's this female rabbit hopping through the forest. She keeps hopping and realizes she's lost. So she goes up to a bear she sees and asks him how to get out of the forest. He looks at her and says, "Give me some and I'll tell ya'." So she gives him some and he takes off laughing afterwards.
Now she's kinda upset but continues to hop through the forest. Then she comes upon a lion and asks him how to get out of the forest. He looks at her and says, "Gimme some and I'll tell ya'." So she gives him some and he takes off laughing when they're done.
So she continues hopping along and comes across a horny toad and asks him which way is out of the forest. Same thing, he wants some. So she gives him some and he hops off laughing afterwards.
So the little bunny rabbit keeps hopping and then she finds her way out of the forest.
There's this female rabbit hopping through the forest. She keeps hopping and realizes she's lost. So she goes up to a bear she sees and asks him how to get out of the forest. He looks at her and says, "Give me some and I'll tell ya'." So she gives him some and he takes off laughing afterwards.
Now she's kinda upset but continues to hop through the forest. Then she comes upon a lion and asks him how to get out of the forest. He looks at her and says, "Gimme some and I'll tell ya'." So she gives him some and he takes off laughing when they're done.
So she continues hopping along and comes across a horny toad and asks him which way is out of the forest. Same thing, he wants some. So she gives him some and he hops off laughing afterwards.
So the little bunny rabbit keeps hopping and then she finds her way out of the forest.
I have not enjoyed reading a single one of your posts yet, and this one tops the cake. Tell me, are you the bear, the lion, or the horny toad? I have yet to put anyone on this forum on ignore, but there's a first time for everything. You must really have a miserable life, I'll pray for you....
Pencil Pusher
06-14-2004, 16:41
I have not enjoyed reading a single one of your posts yet, and this one tops the cake. Tell me, are you the bear, the lion, or the horny toad?
"Give me some and I'll tell ya'."
Thank you for making my day, delivering the punch line to a detractor.:banana
Tell me, are you the bear, the lion, or the horny toad?
He's the rabbit.
Pencil Pusher
06-22-2004, 00:49
There are three applicants for the job of accountant at this hiking company. The CFO asks the applicants, "What's two plus two?"
First applicant: "Four"
Second applicant: "Four"
Third applicant: "What do you want it to be?"
The CFO: "You're hired."
Pencil Pusher
06-28-2004, 01:27
Doh! New joke above...
Rain Man
06-28-2004, 11:39
Some of these are fine jokes. Some suck. But all are supposed to be about hiking. Some come no where close.
Anyway, just a gentle reminder of the title and intent of the forum. Let's not dilute it, pretty please.
:sun
Rain Man
.
"Give me some and I'll tell ya'."
Thank you for making my day, delivering the punch line to a detractor.:bananaYeah, that was hilarious. Reminds me of the jokes I used to hear in the fifth grade.
squirrel bait
06-28-2004, 13:13
You go Lil RedMG, only one person has made it to my ignore list too, thinkin of adding another, anyhoo, have I told this one......
When not working and to make a little extra cash I run a trapline here in North Carolina. Well for the first time ever I caught a Virginia Red Fox in my trap. I called VA Department of Natural Resources (VA DNR) and asked them to come down and get this VA Red Fox. The department employee asked me, "Where did you catch this VA Red Fox?", I said, "Dare County NC,". They replied I would have to call NC DNR to report this fox. I said, "NO I am sure this is a VA Red Fox." And they said, "how can you tell?"
I replied, "Well it's chewed off three of it's legs and it's still in the trap."
Pencil Pusher
06-28-2004, 15:36
Right on, we're getting some fresh content in here!
Two hikers were observing a grizzly bear from several hundred yards away, when the bear suddenly turned towards them and charged at high speed. One of the hikers quickly slipped off his boots, and was putting on his running shoes when the other said, "What are you doing? Bears can run 35 mph. There's no way you can outrun him!" The other hiker finished lacing up his shoes and replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you!"
Uncle Wayne
08-05-2004, 02:38
I hate people that forward too many warnings as much as
anyone, but this one is important!
Send this warning to everyone you know, friends and enemies!
If someone comes to your front door saying they are
conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take
your clothes off and dance around, do not do it!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked!
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now. :o
sharkey92
08-07-2004, 12:15
Wooly was well known on the trail for his signature camoflage jacket he wore while hiking, regardless of the temperature. That, and the regularity of his morning constitutions at the privy.
One morning while at the privy, his jacket, which he had removed, fell 15 feet down into the deep hole. Without hesitation, Wolly dove head first into the nasty pit, slogging thru the filth to retrieve his jacket.
Walking back to the shelter, his hiking buddies are amazed and disgusted. He is covered from head to toe. Nasty even for a thru hiker.
"Dude!" they cried, "no jacket in the WORLD is worth that!"
"You don't understand", replied Wolly. "There was a peanut butter sandwich in the pocket."
Sharkey GAME '92
steve hiker
08-07-2004, 19:10
Grosssssss.
I believe this revolting joke is a variation on some other one I can't recall, so here it goes.....
What do you call a thru-hiker with constipation?
A show off!!!!!!
minnesotasmith
10-28-2004, 23:16
From www.darwinawards.com (http://www.darwinawards.com)
Dry Spellhttp://darwinawards.com/i/bubbles1b.gif
1991 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin http://darwinawards.com/i/art/zeebarf/dryspell.mini.greyscale.jpg (http://darwinawards.com/misc/index.zeebarf.html)(26 July 1991) Patrick lived to rue the day he planned a record-breaking 20-mile hike across the Badwater Salt Flats, the hottest place on earth. He completed 19.5 miles of his hike before collapsing on the scorching ground, never to rise again. Found with his body were a video camera and an empty three-quart water pouch.
The China Lake Rescue team located Patrick’s parched body on his forty-first birthday, nearly two weeks after he set out on his desert hike. He was found only a half mile from his red Toyota truck, where gallons of fresh water waited on the seat. Patrick, a healthy 165-pound outdoorsman, had been dehydrated to 90 pounds by the blistering heat. What brought Patrick to such a sad state of desiccation?
Badwater routinely attracts extremists enticed by the lure of running a 150-mile course from Badwater to Mount Whitney, from the lowest point in North America to the highest point in the contiguous United States. Occasional brave souls attempt the one-way hike across Badwater to meet waiting friends and refill their water bottles. Only Patrick, our Darwin Award candidate, tried to make the trek alone with only three quarts of water.
According to District Ranger Mark Maciha, Badwater is consistently five to ten degrees hotter than nearby Furnace Creek, which registered a high of 134 degrees Fahrenheit in 1913. The summer sunshine heats the ground to almost 200 degrees, and the parched air approaches zero percent humidity. No rational explanation can be found for why this lifelong fitness fanatic failed to take sufficient water with him on his hike into this harsh climate. An estimated twelve quarts of water would have been required to survive the exertion of plodding through muddy salt.
Murder was ruled out by the autopsy, and suicide seems unlikely, as it was his third attempt to complete the trek. The most compelling theory is that he wanted to set the record for being the first man to make an unassisted round-trip hike across Badwater. A friend confides that he purposely kept rangers ignorant of his intentions because he knew they would watch over him.
And extra water is just so heavy!
Before his doomed hike, he boasted to several friends that he had calculated the exact amount of water he would need, and to save weight, he would take not a single drop more. In a lamentable miscalculation he carried only three quarts of water, which were simply insufficient to see him through to the other side.
Dr. Milton Jones theorized after the autopsy that Patrick may have sat down to rest with his truck within sight, but had lost so much body fluid that his heart was unable to pump the unnaturally viscous blood to his brain. He lapsed into unconsciousness and died. Patrick was a healthy outdoorsman with an extensive knowledge of the desert. His father recalled, "He spent money on only two things: electronic equipment and going to the desert." The video camera found by his body chronicles the first half of Patrick’s hike before the batteries died. It ended with his haunting observation, "The only problem is that we have to hike back... This is the real world. One false move, and you’re dead."
Rain Man
11-01-2004, 20:55
Here's a prayer that was taught to me this weekend by one of my hiking partners. I'll ask if I should give credit or not and post a name later if so.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
With chapped ass and smelly feet,
If I should die within this tent,
I pray my soul be heaven sent.
Should I add that we were discussing my chaffing problem at the time?!
:sun
Rain Man
.
Babywipes are a beautiful thing Rain Man
A stranger was seated next to little Tommy on a plane, when the stranger turned to Tommy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about politics? Should we keep Bush or elect Kerry?"
"Okay," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff! Yet, a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss who should run the country when you don't know crap?"
minnesotasmith
11-24-2004, 20:50
From www.darwinawards.com (http://www.darwinawards.com) :
Shortcut Cut Shorthttp://darwinawards.com/i/bubbles1b.gif
2003 Personal Account (Summer 1990, Canada) Although this story does not qualify for a Darwin, I'd like to share the most spectacular case of extreme stupidity I've ever seen. I was a soldier of the Lord Strathcona's Horse, an armored regiment stationed in Calgary. We were hosting elements of the British Army at Canada's main training center in Wainwright, Alberta.
We took some of our new British friends to town, to party at the Wainwright Hotel bar. Around 1:00 AM, we decided to save cab money and walk back to the base. This was a trek of about three miles, because one must detour around a large, fenced pasture to reach the front gate.
That pasture holds some of the last Plains bison in Canada, a herd of about 40 animals. Bison are not the friendliest ruminants on the planet. Safety signs are posted every ten feet along the fence, and warnings read, "Unless you can cross this pasture in nine seconds, do not attempt it. The bison can do it in ten."
We reached the pasture and started to walk around it, but one of our drunken Brit companions decided that the warnings were fake. "Real, live buffalo don't exist!" Despite our protests, he opted for a shortcut. He hopped over the five-foot fence and disappeared into the dark field.
We watched and waited.
Seconds later, a high-pitched and very un-British profanity was heard from the pasture, and our friend came tearing back towards the fence at a speed that would have done credit to Donovan Bailey, the fastest man in the world. A fully mature and quite unhappy Plains bison thundered behind him.
The only reason the young gunner survived was sheer, fear-induced acceleration. He vaulted the five-foot fence without breaking stride. His rear foot caught on the top rail, sending him spinning into the grass on the safe side, half a second before two thousand pounds of extremely unfriendly hamburger smashed into the fence at full steam. The fence is constructed of extremely solid steel pipes, yet the two-foot dent made by the bison remains to this day. The animal staggered, snorted, shook his head, and rumbled off with a splitting headache. Our friend escaped with a broken ankle, moderate concussion, dislocated shoulder, and a great deal of bleeding from his uncontrolled landing. Had he not cleared the fence, he would have been pile-driven to smithereens by the huge bull. Fear had drained the alcohol from our systems, but we were still laughing too hard to be too sympathetic as we gave him first aid and summoned help.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
No, not an arm and a peg.
A buck an ear. (bucaneer)
A lady put 2 muffins in the oven. One said, "Ouch! It's hot in here!" The other said, "Ahhh! A talking muffin!"
Ladies, bear with me, this was seen on a bumper sticker on a beat up ole Ford FWD pickup parked at a reeeeely rowdy fishing/hunting campsite on FS 58 near Three Forks Crossing down on Noontootla Creek
BEWARE THE CHAINSAW WOMAN! NNNaaaaaaaaaaaaaggg nag nag nag nag NNaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggg nag nag nag nag
Ladies, you might be amused to know that after my enforcement buddies busted up that little shindig pickup boy and a mess of his buddies ended up in the slammer with a string of federal charges as long as your arm! Lots of outstanding state paper got served too!
Hacksaw
Impressed, though sounds bit unfair to me:) ...
Unfair?
PERHAPS HAD YOU BEEN PRESENT OR WAS PRIVY TO THE MORE HEINOUS ASPECTS OF THE SITUATION THAT I CHOSE TO OMIT.
You may be assured that you will find no mass graves, no massacreed women and children , not even handcuff marks on any one taken into custody. All are scheduled for fair trials under a uniform system of laws and due process that has worked well ove ther 200 plus history of American criminal justice.
Hacksaw