View Full Version : relationship/hiking conflict
Cerridwen
01-17-2008, 15:39
\ I hiked 1000 miles on the trail last spring-I had had intentions of doing the whole trail...however, I missed my significant other daily and was often concerned about what toll my being away for so long would take on our relationship. Also, starting off, I was inexperienced and the hiking was tough-going, however by my last month, after I had already told him I was getting off the trail early, it had become easy and I was loving it.
As a result, when I did come home I came home with the condition that he be supportive or at least accepting of my finishing the trail the following spring. He was and has continued to be (he is not the hiker type and has a hard time understanding why anyone would choose to hike for months on end for fulfillment)...however, ever since I have gotten back, I have toyed with the idea of just starting over again at Springer and doing the whole trail. When I briefly mentioned this prospect to him, I received a less than happy response. He tells me he does not just want to be the man waiting around for me to return.
I understand this, at the same time, this is something I believe I need to do to feel that I did what I had intended to do...and honestly it has been so hard being back in the 'normal' world-working, living in a city, basically trying to either deal with or embrace all those trivial things that people seem to care about as they go about their daily routines...that six months out in the woods has never been more appealing. I long for the trail terribly.
But what to do? He has not given me an ultimatum, but I know that I could very well hurt him by telling him this is what I want to do. I know that there is no easy answer but, for those of you who have dealt with the issue of hiking in your relationships- am I demanding too much from him to be supportive? He had a hard time understanding my desire to do the trail the first time...now I want to do it all over again? How do I present this to him?
Lone Wolf
01-17-2008, 15:45
continue where you left off as previous planned or say goodbye to the relationship
take-a-knee
01-17-2008, 15:45
Dump him, he's an oxygen thief.
Jaybird62
01-17-2008, 15:47
continue where you left off as previous planned or say goodbye to the relationship
ditto that
You might want to think about whether you are growing together or growing apart, how you feel about that and what you want to do about it.
Frolicking Dinosaurs
01-17-2008, 16:02
I suggest you go ahead and finish the hike you started from where you left off. If this is a real passion for you, Springer fever is going to be with you for the rest of your life and simply hiking from Springer to Katahdin in one continuous hike isn't going to make that go away.
Ultimately, you and your fellow need to come to an understanding of how you will deal with your very different needs and desires as your life together unfolds. If you can't come to some understanding about this, you will likely need to let the relationship go. Love isn't enough to carry a relationship thru the hard times - it also takes two people who either share the same goals and aspirations or can let go enough to allow their partner to achieve his or her dreams. Sadly, sometime people who love each other can't do this and have to part.
Tipi Walter
01-17-2008, 16:23
Since this is in the female forum, I was gonna wait until a few people posted before I chimed in. Right off the guys jumped up so here goes my bit:
When it comes to the outdoors and relationships, I've become a sort of social expert, observant student and town idiot regarding all things male vs female vs backpacking. In an ideal world I would've found a partner as fired up with backpacking and the outdoors as myself, someone goading me to go deeper and further into the wilderness where we could both chop wood and carry water.
In reality, I must follow my own inner voice, I must gird my own loins with a stout nylon hipbelt, and get out in the woods w/o a partner to share in the glories. Living in the woods is a peculiar thing, it's a calling, it doesn't come to very many, and when it does come it must be done because for one, the woods are slowly vanishing and two, the timeline in a relatively healthy body used to experience the woods is short.
The call of the wild is strong in some people, the Jeremiah Johnson types, the Robert Service types, the Norman Clyde types, and most of the time the call of the wild will drown out the bickering minor calls from family or friends or boyfriends/girlfriends to stay put and stay indoors. They don't see it, they see what you mentioned to be trivial, the old routines and predictable patterns, i.e. car payments, house mortage, bills, full time jobs, ugh, life without sense in a world without beauty.
For me, someone without actual offspring, I see the Natural world as my family and my children, and if I'm not out in that coldsnap or that blizzard or that winter wind or summer rainstorm, then I'm just a deadbeat Dad, ignoring his children.
Go finish the trail. I'll wait for you. ;)
D'Artagnan
01-17-2008, 16:45
If you acquiesce to his "demands", in time you'll grow to resent it and him.
take-a-knee
01-17-2008, 17:06
Any "man" who has a relationship with a woman who has carried a pack for a thousand miles, and wants to do it again, and, not only does he not want to go with her, he wants to keep her from going, is...well, I'd better leave what I'd say about him unsaid.
maxNcathy
01-17-2008, 17:09
You missed him last year and you will this year too...do 300 miles every year until you are fed up with hiking or you die.
That way you won't be away too long but will have a great thing to look farward to every year.
All is good with
Sandalwood
Looks to me like he loves you and doesn't want to be away from you for six months. Doesn't sound sinister to me. If such a man is stifling, you will never find a suitable man. Unless they are in prison. Hiking is a selfish activity. Selfish activities have consequences. Denying those consequences or placing the onus on the one being left is unfair. If you want to hike the whole thing, do it, but that decision will have consequences that will be of your doing, not his.
I met my husband when I was 18. I was a college freshman. He was a senior. I was just back from my first solo and knew that I'd never be complete a paved-world person. My husband, a wonderful guy, never could understand why I'd want to go sleep in the woods. He runs competitively. Track and field, cross-country, indoor track. Ugh. I don't get it, but he loves it. But we're both independent people and never needed to be constantly together. I take off for the woods at times. And he is off running in circles and worrying about how fast he can run those circles. Occasionally, I traipse after him and sit in the sunshine in the stands on the side of the track and cheer him on. Sometimes he comes with me for a day hike, and will spend a night or two in the woods. Maybe it would be nice to have a hiking husband to go with me, but it's also wonderful that we each can pursue our passions with the other's support.
My advice is that you hike the hike that you want to do. Your relationship . . . well, it is what it is. If he supports you, then so much the better. If the relationship doesn't doesn't survive, then as difficult as it may seem, it just wasn't meant to be.
My advice is that you hike the hike that you want to do. Your relationship . . . well, it is what it is. If he supports you, then so much the better. If the relationship doesn't doesn't survive, then as difficult as it may seem, it just wasn't meant to be.
Good advice here. Life is too short to not pursue your dreams. True partners encourage and support each other to pursue their dreams even if it means being apart for a time. Fulfilling dreams with the support of a partner can only strengthen the partnership. Follow your dreams.
Auntie Mame
01-17-2008, 17:24
As a thru hiker's spouse who did the home front last year, and a hiker who is doing the trail this year, I have to say that the home team position hasn't got a lot going for it. Its a lot of work, its a lot of time alone, its a lot more responsibility. So, if you want him to support your hike, figure out what his equivalent experience would be and make it a fair trade. He might want to travel or study or go to Nascar or follow a team or motorcycle or sail... if you can provide support so he can do what he loves, he'll be in a more charitable mood about your hike, I suspect. If he doesn't have any intrerests, and doesn't want to do anything on his own, then shortening your trips as FD said sounds ideal.
Hope to see you out there!
Marcia
oldfivetango
01-17-2008, 18:08
Well.we all have opinions here;that's for sure.
As an old married man with a 30 year track record with the
same lady(it's cheaper to keep her) I would have to advise you
to find someone else if you are young and the two of you aren't
married.
The reason is that if it means that much to you and he has absolutely
no interest in sharing that part of your life then you both would be boatloads
better off to go your separate ways.However,if there are children involved I
would suggest you do sections.If he stays at home with kids while you do that
then he is probably worth keeping.
Oldfivetango
Almost There
01-17-2008, 18:17
As said, hiking is a selfish thing. My wife supports my hiking, but I never go out for more than a month at a time max. We both miss each other, and I look forward to returning home. It is a dream to thru hike but at this time it is not feasible economically or emotionally. If emotions played havoc on your first hike and your love hasn't it changed, it might do so a second time. Go with what some others suggested and start where you left off. It's a compromise, you get out again and finish the trail, and he only has to do deal with being apart for the same amount of time you originally agreed upon. If a full thru hike is still a dream afterwards, then perhaps give it a few years and as your relationship grow even more, perhaps you will both be alright with it in the future. Ask yourself is it about hiking, or about saying you did a thru?
Bootstrap
01-17-2008, 18:22
My advice is that you hike the hike that you want to do. Your relationship . . . well, it is what it is. If he supports you, then so much the better. If the relationship doesn't doesn't survive, then as difficult as it may seem, it just wasn't meant to be.
To me, it's important to be considerate to your partner and to the relationship, not only to seek the things you want. If you make decisions that result in the relationship falling apart, it wasn't just fate.
Jonathan
Fate? It wasn't meant to be? These seem to be cop-outs of a sort to me. Hiker wants to hike, partner doesn't want hiker to hike, hiker has to make a choice. The outcome will be based on that choice, not on fate or what was meant to be. As hikers, we have to recognize that a long-distance endeavor is a selfish act and not expect others to modify to us.
jamarshall
01-17-2008, 20:17
What about starting from the other end next time? Then you can decide in the middle if you want to complete the thru or be happy with having done it in sections.
I've been doing sections for years - at first my husband thought I was crazy, but now he enjoys finding ways to surprise me on the trail. Sometimes I'm backpacking, sometimes slackpacking, but we both look forward to my long walks in the woods.
When sharing the hike with your loved one, I wonder if he heard about the trail, the wildlife, the scenery, the serenity, and what it did for you; or did he hear about the other people on the trail (while he was alone), the freedom (while he was working), or the problems (making him wonder why you'd go again.)
I don't know you, which is the only reason I can get away asking these things! <g>
If its the hike I loved, I'd hike where I left off.
Mercy
Jim Adams
01-17-2008, 21:10
Ask yourself is it about hiking, or about saying you did a thru?
...or needing time away? !:-?
If you need time away...I think you have your answer.
geek
SGT Rock
01-17-2008, 21:13
Go hiking.
I sent 24 years with two non-hiking husbands. Last year at age 56 I met Nessmuk my hiking, paddling love. I had NO idea what I was missing!
We work different shifts, I am off during the summer (teach). He is SO supportive of my hiking and paddling alone. This makes my life truly GRAND.
Follow your heart. Be genuine in all your communications with him so that informed decisions can be made by you both.
HYOH,
Frau
I failed to add that I am also supportive of his solo outdoor pursuits while I am entertaining students. He also attends primitive skills rendezvous' several times a year.
We both know that stifling a partner's ambitions yields resentment, which another member mentioned al well.
Peace,
Frau
Looks to me like he loves you and doesn't want to be away from you for six months. Doesn't sound sinister to me. If such a man is stifling, you will never find a suitable man. Unless they are in prison. Hiking is a selfish activity. Selfish activities have consequences. Denying those consequences or placing the onus on the one being left is unfair. If you want to hike the whole thing, do it, but that decision will have consequences that will be of your doing, not his.
I think that's a bunch of crap. Never find a suitable man?? Give me a break. There are plenty of men that will support a woman in her interests.
The consequences are hers and hers alone? Hardly. If he's not supportive and is trying to control her life, which he is trying to do, then he's just as much to blame in the breakup.
I think that's a bunch of crap. Never find a suitable man?? Give me a break. There are plenty of men that will support a woman in her interests.
The consequences are hers and hers alone? Hardly. If he's not supportive and is trying to control her life, which he is trying to do, then he's just as much to blame in the breakup.
True, I overstated my point. But to say he is trying to control her life also overstates the point. He is trying to control his life and he will have to decide for himself if she starts in Georgia if this is the type of relationship he wants and if he chooses otherwise, that is that. There is no control involved, other than self-control.
4eyedbuzzard
01-17-2008, 23:14
\ I hiked 1000 miles on the trail last spring-I had had intentions of doing the whole trail...however, I missed my significant other daily and was often concerned about what toll my being away for so long would take on our relationship. Also, starting off, I was inexperienced and the hiking was tough-going, however by my last month, after I had already told him I was getting off the trail early, it had become easy and I was loving it.
As a result, when I did come home I came home with the condition that he be supportive or at least accepting of my finishing the trail the following spring. He was and has continued to be (he is not the hiker type and has a hard time understanding why anyone would choose to hike for months on end for fulfillment)...however, ever since I have gotten back, I have toyed with the idea of just starting over again at Springer and doing the whole trail. When I briefly mentioned this prospect to him, I received a less than happy response. He tells me he does not just want to be the man waiting around for me to return.
I understand this, at the same time, this is something I believe I need to do to feel that I did what I had intended to do...and honestly it has been so hard being back in the 'normal' world-working, living in a city, basically trying to either deal with or embrace all those trivial things that people seem to care about as they go about their daily routines...that six months out in the woods has never been more appealing. I long for the trail terribly.
But what to do? He has not given me an ultimatum, but I know that I could very well hurt him by telling him this is what I want to do. I know that there is no easy answer but, for those of you who have dealt with the issue of hiking in your relationships- am I demanding too much from him to be supportive? He had a hard time understanding my desire to do the trail the first time...now I want to do it all over again? How do I present this to him?
You came home under the understanding that you would finish your hike this year - not start another one anew. He's kept his word ("that he be supportive or at least accepting of my finishing the trail the following spring. He was and has continued to be ")
There's an old saying, "A man is nothing if not his word". It's a matter of honor and integrity - something far more important than hiking any trail.
Relationships require a lot of compromise and selflessness. Most non-hiker SO's wouldn't be as supportive as he's already been - a three month hike two years in a row. And if you are planning to be hiking three or six months every year you'd better come clean. If hiking is more important than your relationship with him you need to tell him that now out of fairness to him. You'll hurt him far more by continuing your deception and betraying his trust. And an apology wouldn't be out of order.
True, I overstated my point. But to say he is trying to control her life also overstates the point. He is trying to control his life and he will have to decide for himself if she starts in Georgia if this is the type of relationship he wants and if he chooses otherwise, that is that. There is no control involved, other than self-control.
Sorry, but anyone that says, 'I don't want to be the man waiting at home', is trying to control. Maybe subtly, but it is still an attempt to stop her from doing a thru. That's controlling in any book.
Life is full of compromises, but one has to be willing to make them. My husband is a musician. When we were engaged, he told me to never make him pick between me and the music, he'd pick the music. I understood immediately. It was a dream of his that he was not willing to compromise on. Music is who he is and to ask him to give it up because life gets hard without him around, would be like asking him to give up living.
This young lady has to decide if this is a dream she is unwilling to compromise on. If it is, then she needs to let him know that. The same words, imo, need to be said. "Don't make me choose between the trail and you, it'll be the trail." If he truly loves her, as I do my husband, he will not only understand, but be supportive as well.
IF giving up a part of yourself is necessary for the other person to stick around, what's the point?
River Runner
01-17-2008, 23:16
Do what you told him you would do and finish the trail. If you don't get what you are looking for in another 1175 +/- miles, you won't get it in 2175 either. I'm not really sure what you are looking for by wanting to start at Springer again, but if it's just hiking with the masses, just wait till May or June to start at where you quit last time. If it's self awareness, a spiritual journey, or feeling at one with the wilderness, you should still be able to experience that on the section you have still to complete.
I think you are lucky that you have someone who will support you in two very long hikes. Unless you really don't care for him and want to go your separate ways, I think you should live up to what you told him you would do.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
If its meant to be, it'll be there. Trust me.
River Runner
01-17-2008, 23:28
Sorry, but anyone that says, 'I don't want to be the man waiting at home', is trying to control. Maybe subtly, but it is still an attempt to stop her from doing a thru. That's controlling in any book.
This young lady has to decide if this is a dream she is unwilling to compromise on. If it is, then she needs to let him know that. The same words, imo, need to be said. "Don't make me choose between the trail and you, it'll be the trail." If he truly loves her, as I do my husband, he will not only understand, but be supportive as well.
IF giving up a part of yourself is necessary for the other person to stick around, what's the point?
I respectfully disagree. Trying to keep her from hiking at all would be controlling. A thru hike of 4 to 6 months signficiantly impacts many areas of a person's life.
We don't have full details, but is he paying joint bills while she hikes? Is she independently wealthy, or is needed income not being produced while she is hiking? Will a thru this year be enough, or will she want a long hiatus again. This can significantly impact future finances, lifestyle, and even retirement.
The fact that she is out hiking for months may very well mean he is giving up part of himself - things he would like to take the money to do, or just things he would like to take the time to do.
What I do agree to is that they may very well not be compatible, given different life goals.
"If giving up a part of yourself is necessary for the other person to stick around, what's the point?" Lil Red, I think we just have different views of what a relationship entails.
What will be will be.
\ I hiked 1000 miles on the trail last spring-I had had intentions of doing the whole trail...however, I missed my significant other daily and was often concerned about what toll my being away for so long would take on our relationship. Also, starting off, I was inexperienced and the hiking was tough-going, however by my last month, after I had already told him I was getting off the trail early, it had become easy and I was loving it.
As a result, when I did come home I came home with the condition that he be supportive or at least accepting of my finishing the trail the following spring. He was and has continued to be (he is not the hiker type and has a hard time understanding why anyone would choose to hike for months on end for fulfillment)...however, ever since I have gotten back, I have toyed with the idea of just starting over again at Springer and doing the whole trail. When I briefly mentioned this prospect to him, I received a less than happy response. He tells me he does not just want to be the man waiting around for me to return.
I understand this, at the same time, this is something I believe I need to do to feel that I did what I had intended to do...and honestly it has been so hard being back in the 'normal' world-working, living in a city, basically trying to either deal with or embrace all those trivial things that people seem to care about as they go about their daily routines...that six months out in the woods has never been more appealing. I long for the trail terribly.
But what to do? He has not given me an ultimatum, but I know that I could very well hurt him by telling him this is what I want to do. I know that there is no easy answer but, for those of you who have dealt with the issue of hiking in your relationships- am I demanding too much from him to be supportive? He had a hard time understanding my desire to do the trail the first time...now I want to do it all over again? How do I present this to him?
Maybe I'm crazy, but I don't hear that this guy is being supportive of her like some of the other posters are stating. I get the feeling from reading this that there have been battles along the way that has had to be dealt with just to go on the first hike.
Present this to him just as you have presented it to us. If the trail has become a part of you, let him know that it's not gonna end with the next hike. I long for the trail terribly too. I live for the 1st of June when I can go back out. If I could afford a thru and have the time to do it, I'd be gone, no questions asked. If my husband of 23 years asked me not to, well, I think I would laugh in his face out of sheer astonishment at the audacity of him trying to tell me what I can or cannot do. But then again, he would never think to do that.
"If giving up a part of yourself is necessary for the other person to stick around, what's the point?" Lil Red, I think we just have different views of what a relationship entails.
What will be will be.
We obviously do.
Almost There
01-17-2008, 23:50
LilRed, you are kinda harsh on the dude. Look as a man, I support my wife in her dreams and try to make them happen. We have been together for ten years, married for nine. She in turn supports my dreams and ambitions which includes hiking, now I will admit that she would love to be more of hiker, but work commitments at this time make it very difficult, she hopes to join me for a 40 mile hike in April. That being said, we don't know enough to know whether he supports her dreams or not. The other issue at hand is how she brought up the idea of attempting a thru all over. I know that if my wife had gone off for what was going to be six months and came home half way through it would have been just as fine with me as if she went the whole way because I had prepared myself for it mentally and emotionally. Now if she said she needed to finish what she had started, then I would accept that as well and support her fully, but if she brought up closer to crunch time the idea of starting all over, I would have some very serious reservations for two reasons. The first, I don't handle something being dropped on me out of the blue very well. Second, there may be more to why she stopped the first time and I would have my reservations about that as well.
I don't exist in their relationship and so I don't know exactly what has completely transpired there. To suggest that he is being controlling without knowing him or her is harsh.
To borrow a line from Wolf, it's just a friggin trail through the woods. We hike because we love to hike. Time on the trail has changed my attitudes. I am not in awe of those who complete the trail in one fell swoop. If they love hiking then they got to take a 6 month vacation doing what they love, there aren't many in the world who get to do this for 3 months let alone 6 months. When you get into a relationship, it is all about communication and compromise on both parts. Did he know about her dream when they started their relationship, or is this something that came about after they began a life together.
The practice of telling a signif. other about a passion that you will never give up before you are married is a smart one, to bring it up later and expect total support is disengenuous, as it is a side of you that the other did not know they were marrying.
I have always said some of us hiker trash are messed up in the head. Is your relationship about finding someone who will allow you unlimited hiking, or is about finding someone you love and cherish. If this is the only major issue in their relationship then I would say she has a good guy, but we don't know that.
There is also one other option maybe, and that is as was suggested start at the other end and hike back to where you ended last time. If he loves you like my wife loves me then I might guess that if you are still going strong as you near the end point that he may suggest you finish if he can feed off of your enthusiasm.
River Runner
01-17-2008, 23:53
If the trail has become a part of you, let him know that it's not gonna end with the next hike. .
Yes, I would agree with you on that. That is a very important part of it.
If my husband of 23 years asked me not to, well, I think I would laugh in his face out of sheer astonishment at the audacity of him trying to tell me what I can or cannot do.
LOL. I would probably do the same. But that would be ME being selfish, especially if he had supported me doing the same thing the year before. And it would be him making the sacrifices to keep everything going on the home front. Not everyone is cut out to do that, especially more than once.
Almost There
01-18-2008, 00:13
Maybe I'm crazy, but I don't hear that this guy is being supportive of her like some of the other posters are stating. I get the feeling from reading this that there have been battles along the way that has had to be dealt with just to go on the first hike.
Present this to him just as you have presented it to us. If the trail has become a part of you, let him know that it's not gonna end with the next hike. I long for the trail terribly too. I live for the 1st of June when I can go back out. If I could afford a thru and have the time to do it, I'd be gone, no questions asked. If my husband of 23 years asked me not to, well, I think I would laugh in his face out of sheer astonishment at the audacity of him trying to tell me what I can or cannot do. But then again, he would never think to do that.
You have a different definition of support then many of us. Yours is that if you want to do something the other should support it unconditionally without reservation. As for other issues, well, you are making assumptions, which is unfair to both. You say he isn't being supportive, but I know plenty of guys whose wives don't like it when they go out after work with some of the guys and always let them know it. Hiking is not "who" I am, it is something that I enjoy, a part, if you will. It does not define me, nor does my job. When we get married, we join our lives with another, we do not maintain complete autonomy, I have often said when asked why I married my wife, "because she loves me for who I am." That being said, I also love her for who she is, and support her, but I also live in reality. The reality of disappearing for 9 of 24 months to pursue my selfish dream, is not entirely fair to her. I hope to thruhike one day when I am ready to do so in all ways. She failed once due to her love, and I would suggest one year isn't gonna change this. Relationships go thru different stages, mine is not the same as it was at year 2, and I know it will be different at year 20 then it is right now.
You say, "If I could afford a thru and have the time to do it, I'd be gone, no questions asked." I hope you are saying this for effect and that you obviously already have an understanding with your husband or would talk about it with him first. That suggests respect for the other partner in the relationship. I am assuming you have already had this talk or else you are incredibly selfish, as I know if I could do this, my wife would support me, but I just wouldn't go to her and tell her, "I am doing this!" I would talk about it first and know that she would tell me to go for it. You mention that if your husband "asked you not to" you would laugh at him for telling you what you can and cannot do. Um...you said yourself that he "asked" he didn't "tell", your interpretation, if he asked, instead of laughing in the face of the person you have chosen to share your life with, why not discuss it and make him understand why you have to do this, then if he still does not understand...well you have him being selfish about not wanting to be apart from you, and you being selfish about your need to disappear for 6 months without responsibility.
Cerridwen, the trail is a place not a person, I love being out there, but I love my wife far more, why?, because I get far more from my relationship with her than the trail could ever give me. She supports my hiking because she loves to see me happy, but there is a compromise to everything in a relationship. Right now, I don't think it's fair for me to disappear for more than 2-4 weeks at a time, for numerous reasons, he supported your attempt last year, and supports your desire to finish what you started. He is in my opinion being fair. If I had done what you attempted last time, being honest, I wouldn't even bring up attempting another thru a year later. I would go out and finish and hold onto the dream for later on, then again, I think once I finish sectioning the AT, that will be enough for me, and I'll look to another trail, like the PCT, to attempt a thru when responsibilities, etc. allow me the freedom to do so. Good luck with your decision either way, I'm sure you will make the right decision for you.
LilRed, you are kinda harsh on the dude. Look as a man, I support my wife in her dreams and try to make them happen. We have been together for ten years, married for nine. She in turn supports my dreams and ambitions which includes hiking, now I will admit that she would love to be more of hiker, but work commitments at this time make it very difficult, she hopes to join me for a 40 mile hike in April. That being said, we don't know enough to know whether he supports her dreams or not. The other issue at hand is how she brought up the idea of attempting a thru all over. I know that if my wife had gone off for what was going to be six months and came home half way through it would have been just as fine with me as if she went the whole way because I had prepared myself for it mentally and emotionally. Now if she said she needed to finish what she had started, then I would accept that as well and support her fully, but if she brought up closer to crunch time the idea of starting all over, I would have some very serious reservations for two reasons. The first, I don't handle something being dropped on me out of the blue very well. Second, there may be more to why she stopped the first time and I would have my reservations about that as well.
I don't exist in their relationship and so I don't know exactly what has completely transpired there. To suggest that he is being controlling without knowing him or her is harsh.
To borrow a line from Wolf, it's just a friggin trail through the woods. We hike because we love to hike. Time on the trail has changed my attitudes. I am not in awe of those who complete the trail in one fell swoop. If they love hiking then they got to take a 6 month vacation doing what they love, there aren't many in the world who get to do this for 3 months let alone 6 months. When you get into a relationship, it is all about communication and compromise on both parts. Did he know about her dream when they started their relationship, or is this something that came about after they began a life together.
The practice of telling a signif. other about a passion that you will never give up before you are married is a smart one, to bring it up later and expect total support is disengenuous, as it is a side of you that the other did not know they were marrying.
I have always said some of us hiker trash are messed up in the head. Is your relationship about finding someone who will allow you unlimited hiking, or is about finding someone you love and cherish. If this is the only major issue in their relationship then I would say she has a good guy, but we don't know that.
There is also one other option maybe, and that is as was suggested start at the other end and hike back to where you ended last time. If he loves you like my wife loves me then I might guess that if you are still going strong as you near the end point that he may suggest you finish if he can feed off of your enthusiasm.
You're right, I am being harsh on the guy. I may be reading more into her words than is really there. You said something very significant in your post. You said, "I support her in her dreams and try to make them happen." That, to me, shows the difference between a good relationship and one that's not so good. People who love and are committed to each other should try to make the other person's dreams come true, not try to stop them or stifle them, or limit them.
Be careful where you receive your advice from. Whiteblaze is a hiking website.
That being said, the guy sounds like he's handling it in a reasonable way. He doesn't want to date a thru-hiker, and I can't say that I blame him. It isn't a matter of him being a jerk and not supporting you in your dreams. Your dreams are to go away and not be with him frequently and/or for long periods of time. You could try telling him that your thru-hike is a one-shot deal, and see what he thinks--but do you really want to make that promise?
There are a lot of things in life that aren't fully compatible with hiking: school, career, family, friends, finances, etc. We all need to make sacrifices on many or all of these fronts to be able to hike. Sounds like you need to choose what sacrifices you're willing to make.
Looks to me like he loves you and doesn't want to be away from you for six months. Doesn't sound sinister to me. If such a man is stifling, you will never find a suitable man. Unless they are in prison. Hiking is a selfish activity. Selfish activities have consequences. Denying those consequences or placing the onus on the one being left is unfair. If you want to hike the whole thing, do it, but that decision will have consequences that will be of your doing, not his.I disagree with the last. He is a free agent and can make up his own mind about what he wants and what is more important to him. Even if he says, "If you do this, then I will do that," he is still making the decision to do "that."
Of course, ignoring such a statement might result in him doing "that," and she ought not to be upset that he does, but she does not have to choose between ending the relationship and hiking. She can say, "I am going hiking, but I still want us to be a couple." She does not have to end anything unless she wants to, and if he ends it, it was his decision.
I agree this is not a sinister man. He obviously cares for her and misses her. The question is does he care enough to support her in what she wants in life when it impacts his own life negatively. I suspect his answer may be related to how he sees her supporting his own needs at other times when they conflict with hers.
This is not an uncommon problem in relationships, though it usually comes in the form of one spouse getting a terrific job offer out of state, and the spouse not wanting to move.
Relationships are hard.
Almost There
01-18-2008, 00:35
You're right, I am being harsh on the guy. I may be reading more into her words than is really there. You said something very significant in your post. You said, "I support her in her dreams and try to make them happen." That, to me, shows the difference between a good relationship and one that's not so good. People who love and are committed to each other should try to make the other person's dreams come true, not try to stop them or stifle them, or limit them.
You are absolutely right! I think there are two possibilities here for them, one that he has tried to do this, and his emotional battery perhaps needs to be recharged before he is ready to support her to push for a thru again. It "has" only been a year, and I know just a month away is a drain on my wife, I can't imagine 6 months, heck, it's an emotional drain on me, when I see things I wish we could share together, or when I am down and just want a hug from her. Perhaps, she should settle for finishing up and talk to him about somewhere down the road attempting another thru-hike. If he is completely against the idea of her "ever" trying again, then I would have to agree with your earlier assessment of him, but if it is just a, "I'm not ready to go through it again right now" scenario, then she needs to compromise and realize he was committed to it last year, and for whatever reasons the opportunity right now has passed.
One other thing that no one has touched on but she did mention the missing each other, is that many at home don't realize that laying problems at home or the emotional baggage of missing the hiking person, when you do talk is the surest way to guarantee that they will most likely quit. The hardest part for a homefront person is making the hiker feel like what they are doing is the "right" thing. Nothing makes a hike end faster, than feeling like you are letting the other person down at home, or feeling like you are needed at home. If the decision to hike is made and agreed upon then a positive attitude needs to exist both at home and on the trail about the hiker completing their hike, and this extends to the hiker feeling down and talking about quitting with their loved one. When this happens the person at home needs to encourage the person to stay out there, because if at the right time they encourage them to come home...then they will probably end up coming home.
You have a different definition of support then many of us. Yours is that if you want to do something the other should support it unconditionally without reservation. As for other issues, well, you are making assumptions, which is unfair to both. You say he isn't being supportive, but I know plenty of guys whose wives don't like it when they go out after work with some of the guys and always let them know it. Hiking is not "who" I am, it is something that I enjoy, a part, if you will. It does not define me, nor does my job. When we get married, we join our lives with another, we do not maintain complete autonomy, I have often said when asked why I married my wife, "because she loves me for who I am." That being said, I also love her for who she is, and support her, but I also live in reality. The reality of disappearing for 9 of 24 months to pursue my selfish dream, is not entirely fair to her. I hope to thruhike one day when I am ready to do so in all ways. She failed once due to her love, and I would suggest one year isn't gonna change this. Relationships go thru different stages, mine is not the same as it was at year 2, and I know it will be different at year 20 then it is right now.
You say, "If I could afford a thru and have the time to do it, I'd be gone, no questions asked." I hope you are saying this for effect and that you obviously already have an understanding with your husband or would talk about it with him first. That suggests respect for the other partner in the relationship. I am assuming you have already had this talk or else you are incredibly selfish, as I know if I could do this, my wife would support me, but I just wouldn't go to her and tell her, "I am doing this!" I would talk about it first and know that she would tell me to go for it. You mention that if your husband "asked you not to" you would laugh at him for telling you what you can and cannot do. Um...you said yourself that he "asked" he didn't "tell", your interpretation, if he asked, instead of laughing in the face of the person you have chosen to share your life with, why not discuss it and make him understand why you have to do this, then if he still does not understand...well you have him being selfish about not wanting to be apart from you, and you being selfish about your need to disappear for 6 months without responsibility.
First of all, we are talking about a dream of a lifetime, probably a once in a lifetime dream. This is NOT about going out and having a drink with the guys after work.
Secondly, I've been section hiking the trail for three years now. Of course we've talked about my doing a thruhike.
It sounds to me like you have a really great relationship with your wife. One that supports each other in dreams and goals and one couldn't ask for more from a spouse. I have the same relationship with my husband. I've supported his career for 25 years, and it's been hard as hell being married to a musician, but it's his dream, and he's living it and loving it. And now he is supporting me with my hiking, because he knows I love it. We both make sacrifices for the others well-being. My saying I'd laugh in his face if he even hinted that I not do a thru, is because that is not him. He would never ask me to give up something I loved. If he did, I'd laugh, out loud. I know that would be my first reaction cause it is so not like either of us to suggest to the other they give up their dream. The same goes for my husband. If I told him I wanted him to quit going out of town all the time, I would fully expect for him to laugh in my face. The absurdity of such a request would elicit very loud laughter.
I'm not as selfish as you think. In 23 years of marriage, he's been gone about a third of it. He's travelled to every state but Hawaii. He's been from Alaska to Central America and back, and he has never had to worry that his wife might leave him cause he's gone so much, like many of his friends do, and many music marriages fail for that very reason. There's something to be said for having peace of mind on the home front.
Almost There
01-18-2008, 01:11
First of all, we are talking about a dream of a lifetime, probably a once in a lifetime dream. This is NOT about going out and having a drink with the guys after work.
Secondly, I've been section hiking the trail for three years now. Of course we've talked about my doing a thruhike.
It sounds to me like you have a really great relationship with your wife. One that supports each other in dreams and goals and one couldn't ask for more from a spouse. I have the same relationship with my husband. I've supported his career for 25 years, and it's been hard as hell being married to a musician, but it's his dream, and he's living it and loving it. And now he is supporting me with my hiking, because he knows I love it. We both make sacrifices for the others well-being. My saying I'd laugh in his face if he even hinted that I not do a thru, is because that is not him. He would never ask me to give up something I loved. If he did, I'd laugh, out loud. I know that would be my first reaction cause it is so not like either of us to suggest to the other they give up their dream. The same goes for my husband. If I told him I wanted him to quit going out of town all the time, I would fully expect for him to laugh in my face. The absurdity of such a request would elicit very loud laughter.
I'm not as selfish as you think. In 23 years of marriage, he's been gone about a third of it. He's travelled to every state but Hawaii. He's been from Alaska to Central America and back, and he has never had to worry that his wife might leave him cause he's gone so much, like many of his friends do, and many music marriages fail for that very reason. There's something to be said for having peace of mind on the home front.
You are completely, right, and I had to ask it, but was assuming that it's something you have talked about if you have been married for at least as long as I have, seeing as you have been married 23 years, I won't even begin to evaluate your marriage. I learned this the hard way with my father. I think I had been married about 2 years at the time and I thought he wasn't doing right by my mom, she didn't seem happy, anyways, without getting into too many particulars, I told him what I thought he needed to do, looking back on it now, I laugh, as time has tempered my opinion. At the time, he went off on me, and that was it. Anyways, two weeks ago, Erin and I were at a wedding, and my brothers fiance who has been dating him long distance for a little over a year, started telling Erin what was wrong with our relationship, mainly because Erin doesn't doll herself up like she does.(BTW my wife followed The Dead the last summer of Jerry's life, and no she hasn't changed too much in attitude!) Anyways, Erin got big time pissed at her, and the realization struck about the time my dad went off on me. The point is, most of a couple's marriage is private and others aren't privy to the workings, and time within the marriage also changes things, for example, the first two years of marriage, if I had told Erin I was dissappearing for month to go hiking...Fight Time!!! But closer to ten, we are more comfortable and secure in our relationship. I am assuming that things will continue to go this route as I hit 20 years of marriage. Today I live by a hard and fast rule, I only give advice on marriage when asked, and I never give it to anyone who has been married longer than me...that being said no one married longer than me ever asks for my advice!:D
As for what I said earlier, I thought you were going over the top for effect, and so I thought I would do the same! It's all good! I even give you the dancing banana to show I agree with most of what you have said in the last couple of posts!:banana Only cool people get the dancing banana!
I'm Cool?? Alright!!! and all this time I thought I was a dweeb. A marriage is a very complicated thing, and I am greatly blessed to have a good one.
It's late, and I'm heading to the Ruck tomorrow. Let's see if I can get some sleep.......
Quagmire
01-18-2008, 02:17
I have been in a similar situation. My now ex g/f wanted to go to africa for 6 months to a year. She wanted to know if things were over or not. I told her that i would wait as i felt she was worth it. I wasnt going to be the guy who kept her from living her life, i wanted to support her in any way i could. So my personal opinion is if he isnt willing to wait and let you do this then he isnt one of the right ones. I just wish i knew my ex wasnt going to end up right before i waited 7 months with NO contact from her. As others have said, its your life, live it how you wish in such a way that makes you happy. you just need to decide if being with him makes you happier than doing something else you enjoy or not.
OK you see in my siggy an expression that I have dealt with an issue related to this.
We cant be more different, the bride and I. (it will be 20 years next sept). Just like the Montgomery Gentry song, she found out she couldnt change me. As years went on she really realized that how I said I felt about life, religion and "out there" was not a melodramatic position.
She realized I meant what I said when I say that (although I have brought my childern up in the Catholic way to show the importance of "A" faith) my real church is "out there". She realizes the vein of whatever you want to call it; BOOTS N BLOOD or PATHWAYs and WILDS run through me so strong that SHE KNOWS I am not kidding or just bieng selfish when I say, I need to go for a trek.
Dont get me wrong, we have learned from each others worlds and visit them together now and then. I will go to the flea markets and antique places and that stuff and have found I do really have an interest in doing that- as long as I am with her. In turn, she will go walking with me....around the block. (any further than that would be.......did you ever hear Jeff Foxworthys dael on when his wife went hunting with him, that would be my wife)
In an effort to get her out, I purchased a POP-UP (AHHHH the pain), we now go family camping 3-4x a year and she has a good time. Its a level of "outing" I can tolerate (although there are plenty of "F"s and other expletives while I am loading all that junk) to get her out to enjoy something (LOL-nothing) close to the wilderness anyway.
In a nutshell, I guess it all comes down to how much you want to be with someone. It has to come from both sides too, you cant have one person always comprimising for the other. When my boys were small it was much tougher. My outings for like 4 years went from like 15 to 4. It didnt look much better for the future, so I just started taking them on walks to the park, then on walks to the nature center areas, then to places like Hawk MTN bird santuary...thus getting little backpacking interns, clever huh.
I can't comment on the specifics of your situation, but here's a general observation from someone who has been married my whole adult life:
If you care about someone, you want to do what you can to make them happy. AND, if they love you, they want to do what they can to make you happy. It's a teeter-totter act. Every once in a while, both of you need to have a frank discussion about your long-term goals. Then you need to make a plan to accomplish BOTH people's long-term goals. Will there be compromise by both parties? Hell, yes. But if you've been honest, and reached an agreement you can both live with, you'll stay together.
A good compromise would be to not start over at Springer, but to pick up the AT where you left off. Either way, you get to do the whole trail and this way, you won't be apart as long. If he has as much invested in the relationship as you do, he will see this as a fair compromise and will not fight you on it. If not . . . well, it doesn't say much for y'alls long-term prospects anyway.
Cerridwen,
White Blaze is a great site to get questions answered like, how to treat water?, or where is the best trail to see Autumn leaves? But to ask love advise!!!
Cerridwen,
White Blaze is a great site to get questions answered like, how to treat water?, or where is the best trail to see Autumn leaves? But to ask love advise!!!
I guess thats is a valid topic here too. As the shoe fits apparently alot of us here
Cerridwen,
White Blaze is a great site to get questions answered like, how to treat water?, or where is the best trail to see Autumn leaves? But to ask love advise!!!
I guess thats is a valid topic here too. As the shoe fits apparently alot of us here
Jesse, I agree with Hiker7, I don't think she was looking for a cut and paste "dear abby" response, but real-life experiences from hikers.
Butterflymoon
01-18-2008, 12:13
In the end we're all just giving our opinions....
You should consider the motto of the thru-hiking.... Hike your own hikes.... wither that is with him or on your own.
It sounds as if you know what you want but are looking for a means of approval. In the end, YOU have to make the decision; a choice that will be difficult either way. Follow your heart. Life is too short to be lived unhappy. TRUST YOURSELF!!
hikerjess
01-19-2008, 10:22
I think the idea of starting at the other end is fabulous! By then you will both have had the time to think about things and hopefully that self discovery will guide you in the right direction. I don't really believe in fate, I feel that it is the excuse that we use when things don't turn out the way we'd hoped. Take the time to sit down and try to rationally explain to him why this is important to you. And listen to him explain why it is hard for him to handle. At the end of the day just go with your gut. There are times to compromise and there are times to realize that some things cannot be compromised. You have to do what is best for you. If you don't complete this hike you may regret it for the rest of your life, but if you lose your guy you may regret that for the rest of your life. You have to decide which of those "fates" is the most unacceptable.
Hikerwannabe
01-21-2008, 00:13
I am currently involved with a wonderful man who is hiking the thru-trail this June....my name says it all hikerwannbe... there is no way in the world I can keep up with him....however I do realize it is HIS dream and I support him, so ever much that I can let go and let him follow his dream... thats what a relationship is all about. I have my part as well... I have to hold down the fort..do mail drops and go visit him on the trail when it permits. I know it won't be easy for him on the trail, or for at home, But I have to keep everything into prospective and just cheer him on to meet his goal and help him everyway I can along the way and that I will do....so to all you non supportive spouses out there....let your other half do what they have in them because it is something they have to do for themselves it really has nothing to do with you other than them needing your support and Love to do the trail!!
Spend a night in a town once a month, in a motel together, one of you just hikes to the motel, the other takes a car. You still get to through hike this way and still see each other
What about starting from the other end next time? Then you can decide in the middle if you want to complete the thru or be happy with having done it in sections.
That is what I decided to do this year. Sure I miss my husband when I'm hiking, but the trail calls me back all the time! He understands that... I hope. He said something about me getting this over with... uh oh.... like it will ever be "over with".
d'shadow
01-28-2008, 04:30
Two questions:
1. Is he paying all of the bills while she is gone, or is she leaving enough money to cover her part of the living expenses?
2. Is he giving financial support for this thruhike?
I hate to bring it up, but it would have an impact on my feelings about a thruhike my partner was making, emotional support aside.
Pedalsndirt
01-28-2008, 11:20
If he can not support your "dream" then he was never worth it in the first place. Follow your spirit and where it takes you. In the end, you have to deal with yourself not him.
:)
Bear Cables
05-01-2008, 17:33
I also have a husband who just doesn't get it about BackPacking. But...he knows I love it and have a need to go out in the woods. We compromise. I section hike for 10 days or so in the summer with short weekend trips during the school year (I teach) and we take trips he likes together during the year. We ski, play golf, and are going to AK when I get home this summer. Our Big Compromise was to buy a pop up camper tent and take "camping/golf" trips.
rdpolete
05-01-2008, 22:04
Is should be pretty simple, but only you know the answer. The simple question to ask your self is: "will you be happier with him in your life or without him in your life"? Easier asked then answered.... Me personally, if the person I am with doesn't enjoy what I do, then they should love me enough to want me to do what makes me happy. There is no reason to grow old with someone when you have possible regrets about not doing the things that make you happy when you are young and able. The joys of life are not in the destination (the grave), but the journey (trails) that gets us there. -- And that's all I got to say about that (Forest Gump Voice).
bulldog49
05-01-2008, 22:41
Looks to me like he loves you and doesn't want to be away from you for six months. Doesn't sound sinister to me. If such a man is stifling, you will never find a suitable man. Unless they are in prison. Hiking is a selfish activity. Selfish activities have consequences. Denying those consequences or placing the onus on the one being left is unfair. If you want to hike the whole thing, do it, but that decision will have consequences that will be of your doing, not his.
Great response Yahtzee. The knee jerk reaction by some that you should ignore his feelings and simply do whatever you want is simplistic at best. I wonder if they would respond the same way if someone they really cared about decided they just want to go away for six months on a cruise by themself?
If you really love and care for someone, long seperation from that person is very difficult to handle. Sometimes it can't be helped, like for folks in the service, but it is tougher to take if the person is doing it voluntarily.
Hopefully you can reach a comprmise, perhaps by meeting up frequently on the trail. Ultimately, you may have to decide which means more to you, him or the trail. Only you can make that decision.
WishIWereHiking
05-01-2008, 23:26
Disclaimer: I haven't read all the posts, because some of them I started to disagree with and want to reply to, so I stopped to make this reply to the OP before my response turned into replies to other people.
I don't know you. I don't know your SO. I don't know what the details of your relationship are, what you living/financial situation is or anything like that. I want to say, "Go, now, do what you want," but without knowing you better I cannot say something like that.
I'm getting one side of the story (yours) and it seems like your SO does not want you to go, even though he says he wants to support you. Does he guilt trip you? Anyone who says, "I don't want to be the boyfriend/girlfriend who does ___," is using that as a guilt trip. I think that is the sign of a person's character. If he would do this about your thru-hike, what else would he be willing to guilt you over? Something I know from having hiker friends who have un-supportive wives/husbands is: nothing gets you off the trail faster than feeling like you're doing something wrong (except for perhaps blisters!)
As far as compromise goes, yes, it is very important in a relationship. My boyfriend and I compromise on many things, like who does the dishes tonight, whether we watch hockey or big cat diaries (I do love hockey but but Colorado is being swept and I'm depressed about it and sometimes would just rather watch cheetahs!) and who is running to the store tonight. But, there are some things that one must never compromise on. I can't stand all that corny crap about "being true to oneself," but there is a lot of depth to that. You do need to make you happy before you can bring happiness to others. You do need someone who shares basic core things with you, or is truthfully supportive of your passions.
Nature does call to some of us. She calls to me, and I go. I have loved being in Nature since I was a young girl, and I will not ever stop. It has not been fortune or "fate" that has guided me to finding a man who is supportive of this, but persistence. My boyfriend may not go with me on every hike, but he will never ask me not to go and I will never guilt him into coming with me. If your relationship keeps you from doing what you love, what kind of a relationship is that? (I am not meaning to be harsh or critical, as I have already stated I do not know your particular situation, I just pose that as a general question.)
Here's the question: if you do not do it, will you regret it? Will you resent him for not supporting you? Think of all the ways that that feeling will manifest itself in your relationship. When you're an old, prim grandmother, glued to your recliner with a bad hip, will you be bitter that you did not seize your opportunity to go? I know my answer.
You obviously care about him, or you wouldn't have come on here and asked for advice. I wish you and him happiness in whatever your decision, and I hope that everything turns out well.
Gorgiewave
07-30-2012, 04:39
Maybe I'm crazy, but I don't hear that this guy is being supportive of her like some of the other posters are stating. I get the feeling from reading this that there have been battles along the way that has had to be dealt with just to go on the first hike.
Present this to him just as you have presented it to us. If the trail has become a part of you, let him know that it's not gonna end with the next hike. I long for the trail terribly too. I live for the 1st of June when I can go back out. If I could afford a thru and have the time to do it, I'd be gone, no questions asked. If my husband of 23 years asked me not to, well, I think I would laugh in his face out of sheer astonishment at the audacity of him trying to tell me what I can or cannot do. But then again, he would never think to do that.
If nothing else, this thread demonstrates why all of those who are not Lilred's husband should be deeply relieved.
Some people go hiking to avoid completely selfish, bitter femi-nazis like you.
Supreme Being
07-30-2012, 05:39
I think we all have to question why you would suddenly revive a thread that is over 4 YEARS old and start calling an independent woman "a selfish, bitter femi-nazis." IMO it sounds like you are stirring up trouble. Obviously, the OP has either hiked or not hiked the AT and is either still with the guy or is not with the guy. At any rate, it is long over.
chazzc1980
08-08-2012, 21:41
I know it's a 4 year old zombie thread I do want to say that it's pretty disappointing to read some of the comments. Maybe it's just me but I don't find hiking to be selfish in the least, unless you count trying to live a healthy lifestyle and being one with mother nature to be selfish...however I do not. I find having the biggest house in the subdivision or driving the newest luxury car to be very selfish, not just is such things very materialistic but also the impact it has on the environment. In regards to relationships, let's face it...maybe if we actually sought life partners with shared interests and similar life goals, maybe divorce rates wouldn't be at an all time high. I don't buy into the opposites attract theory when it comes to human relationships, in my own experiences I have found that if you don't share at least some common interests or life goals with your significant other it can create rifts or even bitterness.
Given you an ultimatum? That would be the last straw for me! Choose the trail and go for it. There's someone out there who will be much better suited to you than that guy.
foreversuperawesome
01-31-2013, 23:46
As many other people said. Do what makes you happy. My significant other isnt into hiking either, but he understand (even if I miss him very much when I go). How about go for a long thru hike somewhere and think about yourself, your future with this person. Best of luck!