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View Full Version : How to Handle the feeling of "loss" when your partner does the trail?



Hikerwannabe
01-26-2008, 00:31
Currently the Special person in my life is doing the trail this year, I am very supportive of him doing this as I know its his life long dream and needs to be fulfilled. However I just want to know how others deal with the feeling of lose while their other half is gone. I kinda feel selfish for even feeling this way but and don't know if I should be feeling this way or Just go with the flow. Any suggestions?

10-K
01-26-2008, 07:37
Hikerwannabe - I want to say how fortunate your partner is to have your support.

I'm not Dr. Phil but I'd suggest that you can feel the way you feel and go with the flow at the same time. Feelings are just... well.. feelings. They come and go.

What I try to keep in mind is that when I'm in emotional turmoil what is causing me the pain is not what is going on - the suffering is caused by my desire for things to be other than they are. Going with the flow is the most skillful thing you can do IMO.

Thomas

Marta
01-26-2008, 07:55
It's quite natural to feel sorry for yourself when your partner is going off to do something exciting while you're stuck at home. All I can suggest is that you look at things that YOU want to do with your life and set up a plan to start doing them. You might be able to use you partner's absence to spend more time on your own interests. For example, if you have always had a hankering to be a landscape painter, this could be your big chance to spend some serious time doing just that. Join the Art League, maybe take a workshop, and spend your evenings sketching. Another possibility is to make sure you have concrete plans to spend more time with your friends, perhaps setting up a weekly "movie-watching at my house", or whatever. Maybe join a club. Just some thoughts...

I ran this past my husband, who was the at-home spouse while I was hiking. (I will point out, however, that he has done a great deal of foreign business travel in the past, and I have spent many months alone at home while he traipsed around on long trips to India, Korea, China, Italy, etc. so I was thinking of my own feelings there. It pretty much sucks to be stuck at home with three little children when your partner sets off on a three-week trip to India. In fact, I decided to do an entire thru-hike while he was spending four months in Italy.) Anyway, he mentioned that the at-home spouse has somewhat less free time than usual because they have to pick up the chores their partner usually does. This is true, but one must still take care of oneself, and not spend all of one's time working.

Katherine
01-26-2008, 07:57
After reading a wonderful book this past summer about someone's AT journey, I had been inspired to hike the whole trail...then thought "maybe in 2 sections"...then "I'll just walk a bit at a time for the rest of my life".
Now literally and psychologically in the dark, cold winter morning of my life where all I want to do is be warm and eat (and unfortunately gaining wt.), I have zero interest in walking the trail. Alas, the universe works her wonders and puts a woman right infront of me who is training to walk part of the trail in May, starting in PA and ending in Maine (the state where we live). I openned my big mouth in excitement about walking with her and now I am afraid I actually have to do it!!!!!!!!!!Yikes. So, on this dark, cold morning (that is now light because of my procrastination) I am headed out to the gym with my pack where it will be filled with 40lbs and I will begin walking the tred mill.
Needing some kind words of wisdom, I scolled this site (that I haven't visited since the summer) and found you and the girlfriend. I feel I am in good company.
One step at a time. that is the mantra that applies to so many things in my life. So, here I go, stepping to the gym.
btw, girlfiend, he is lucky to have you and I think it is sweet that you are having these feelings. To me, it just shows how important he is in your life. I am a Mom and my kids are nearing the ages of leaving the nest. It is a bettersweet feeling. you know you must let them go, but it is hard. This is love. cherish it is all I can say. OK I am going...no more stalling!!!

dixicritter
01-26-2008, 09:03
This is a subject I can relate to. However most of my experience isn't with my husband being gone due to hiking, even though this year I am supporting him on his thru-hike. The very best advice I can give you is to keep yourself busy. The absolute worst thing you can do is to sit by the phone and wait for a call, you will drive yourself crazy. You must continue to live life.

Having time out with a friend or group of friends is also a very good idea at least every other week or so. You must get out of the house, especially if you are a stay at home mom. The walls will start to close in on you and depression will set in, resentment towards your spouse will follow, then when he does call an argument will ensue and he'll have no clue what he even did (which was really nothing).

Try to not let things like this happen. If you need to talk I'm available. I have 20 years of being a Army spouse under my belt, so separations are actually quite the norm to me. The way I look at it, at least he's not being shot at on the trail. ;)

girlnextdoor
01-26-2008, 10:12
hi Hikerwannabe ~~
i was in a similar situation when redwood wanted to hike the PCT in 05. My dad had just died a few months before, my best male friend from GA was diagnosed with cancer and my boyfriend wanted to leave for 5 months! it seemed like all the positive male energy i had in my life was leaving at one time.
i told rw my concerns, i did want him to do what he loves but i was being selfish too by wanting him with me during a difficult time in my life. a few times i got pouty when he'd call from the pct and tell me all the fun he was having. :( i wanted to be a part of it!
it was also hard because every day he was doing something fun, seeing new things, meeting people, having adventures - and i'm at home going to school and working -same old thing. i was also in charge of some of his logistics and boring details too so sometimes the scales weren't even on the 'what's new with you' conversation.
i got to go see him once out there and that really helped. and also i started focusing on me more and using the time apart to really hang with my girls, do yoga, learn to cook -(ha), watch movies, etc.
after he got home i was really glad he got to do something he enjoys so much and i was glad i didn't let my neediness interfere with that.
i wish you the best with your situation!

Lilred
01-26-2008, 13:36
Your man is lucky to have your support. Keep it up. My husband is a musician and is gone nearly 4 days out of every week. It's tough to be the one to stay at home, raising the kids and doing all the necessary things by yourself. When he is home, he's working other jobs so our 'time together' is pretty much nothing. Now, both kids are in college and it's my turn. Found out I love to hike and now I'm gone almost all summer doing sections. He supports me fully, as a thanks to me for supporting his dream. Find something that interests you and get involved in it while he's gone. Whatever you do, don't tell him too much how much you miss him or how badly you want him back home, it will make his trip harder. It will make phone calls home so much better if he can look forward to hearing about your new interests, instead of how much he is missed.

Hikerwannabe
01-27-2008, 10:18
I wanna Thank everyone for their input on my situation and you are all right...I just need to fill my void with something for me, and remain supportive which I am sure will fill some of my time. I guess what scares me is the over whelming feeling of lonelyness that I am going to have to endure hopefully I can just work on me and get myself to a physical point to do maybe thru sections the following year on vacation times :) Thanks for the input.

dixicritter
01-27-2008, 10:29
I wanna Thank everyone for their input on my situation and you are all right...I just need to fill my void with something for me, and remain supportive which I am sure will fill some of my time. I guess what scares me is the over whelming feeling of lonelyness that I am going to have to endure hopefully I can just work on me and get myself to a physical point to do maybe thru sections the following year on vacation times :) Thanks for the input.

The loneliness is the part you need to work on then. Set up times to go out with friends. Seriously, you need to do this. Getting in shape to be able to hike next year is fine too, but you need to interact with your friends now too. Otherwise, as I said before you will get depressed, it will cause problems in your relationship, and your spouse won't know what hit him. Trust me, I've been there. :)

It is great to see you being supportive of your spouse. However do take care of you too, because if you aren't happy and healthy you can't support your spouse very well now can you? ;) :D

Keep your chin up and you have support here if you need it... just ask. :sun

d'shadow
01-27-2008, 17:10
Great advice so far! Just want to add a few suggestions....treat yourself. Take long bubblebaths, watch that favorite movie, read a book from cover to cover. Go ahead and do that project that you have put off because of time constraints. I have been a "road widow" in the past when I was married. I now act as a support person for a friend who loves to hike and has more time than I do to get out, and more ambition. Dixiecritter is right, take care of yourself...men know you miss them, and really appreicate it when you can show self-reliance and independance so they can focus on what they have to do. Remember you also have the cyber hike community to lean on while he is gone.;)

Hikerwannabe
02-01-2008, 17:00
Everyone has been so wonderful and supporitve and I Thank You all so much.... I guess I will find out the true motives of him wanting my support once he starts the trail...:-?

bfitz
02-01-2008, 17:05
Visit him. Meet in town and hike a few days, or take a weekend and slackpack him and spend nights in town. There's lot's of non hiking attractions on the trail for touristy activities. Show up in Hot Springs and hit the tubs!!

Hikerwannabe
02-06-2008, 22:43
Any other Words of Wisdom? :-?

Katherine
02-07-2008, 09:09
loneliness is a fear some hikers have. it is so good to voice the fear because then it can't fester in the dark corners of your mind any longer. You can know that your biggest fear--loneliness, is something feared on and off the trail. So fear not! Join the human race of loneliness-fearing people! And then it is not so lonely anymore. I want to thank you for sharing. Now my loneliness fear shrunk and I feel like that happy yellow banana icon jumping up and down

Red Hat
02-07-2008, 12:06
I know that my husband will be lonely while I am gone. He is very dependent upon me for everything. In 2005 he developed type II diabetes while I was hiking, mostly because of all the junk food he was eating instead of cooking. He can take care of himself, and needs to know that. I wish he could or would hike, but it is not his thing. But it is time for me to take care of myself and my needs. So I'm going hiking!

Thru Hiker Wife
03-13-2008, 01:57
Oh my, how I feel your pain. I posted under the General forum and then cruised over here to see what I'd find and low and behold here it is. I dropped my husband off today to start his northbound thru hike on the AT. I don't have much advise to give as I'm already in the dulldrums but I have plans to get out with my girlfriends more (which is extra good since I work at home), spend extra time with our daughter, I've picked up a couple books, gotten some dvd's to try something new (gonna finally try to learn to play guitar), gonna TRY to get in better shape. We are a "fairly" young couple so money is tight so I'll also be working more in the evenings to try to avoid some of the emotional blahs at night after my daughter goes to bed and that will hopefully also hope the financial side of things. Other than that, I'm at loss. I will meet up with the hubby in a week or so for his last resupply, etc. here in GA and we have opted to bring him home for one last time before he leaves the state. From there, I hope all the above will help me as well as hopefully having some new understanding friends on WB to help me through the low times.

skinny minnie
03-13-2008, 13:38
Now that I have a vague idea of his whereabouts/mileage... I find photo's online of each part of the AT, and state by state as he hikes through I print out a photo and post it up with the date. Helps me keep track of where he is/live vicariously through him. I also check the weather reports. A lot! Although sometimes that makes me worry :) needlessly, but I still do.

Camilley
03-28-2008, 18:03
i'm driving my fiance down to Georgia this weekend so he can start his thru-hike... glad to know there's other folks out there going through the same thing i am!!

dixicritter
03-28-2008, 18:08
Welcome to WB Camilley. There are plenty of folks on here going through the same thing you will be here shortly. :)

warraghiyagey
03-28-2008, 19:09
I would start at the opposite end and meet her in the middle. Then turn and walk with her as she finishes.:sun:sun

wakapak
03-28-2008, 19:23
I would start at the opposite end and meet her in the middle. Then turn and walk with her as she finishes.:sun:sun

Awwww...warggy, thats so sweet!!!

jumping bean
04-25-2008, 20:03
The emotions of a loved one out there hiking is alot to bear,does anyone have any other suggestions until I meet him may, It's all I think about< it distracts me at work< at Home< all day< i worry when i dont hear from Him< i worry all the time< We communicate by Blackberry but alot of times there is no service for days at a time, He is somewhere in the GSNP, does anyone know when or if cell service becomes available out there in the mtns, I feel the sense of loss all the time and the excitement of the meeting < but in between whAt do you suggest

Thru Hiker Wife
04-25-2008, 20:19
First, know this. It does get better. You'll find your groove and then it won't be so hard. Stay busy with something...anything...everything. It'll help. Lean on friends (internet and otherwise).

Try not to worry. The trail is a good place to be with lots of good people. He'll have help if and when he needs it.

As for GSMNP, we are on Cingular and had no service through them. Course, that's only about a week. Other than that, he's been able to get signal at least every few days.

Hang in there, JB. We're all here.

Oh and if you dig thru the general forum, you'll find the thread I started my first day on here which also happened to be the day he left. Proof that we all have up and downs. Go with the flow but do what you can to help yourself.

jumping bean
04-29-2008, 17:59
Thanks for the advice, Each day gets easier, it s the time when I get a couple days with communication and then he goes away< thats the hardest< they just left Gaitlinberg and are headed out to Standing Bear<Makes things a bit easier< I send small packages here and there and am going to fly out at the end of the month< Thanks for advice and kind words, there are days I really need them,

Thru Hiker Wife
04-29-2008, 18:07
Any time. And when you need them, log on here. You'll find many to lean on. Oh, and of course, feel free to send me a pm if you'd like.

dixicritter
04-29-2008, 18:26
Thanks for the advice, Each day gets easier, it s the time when I get a couple days with communication and then he goes away< thats the hardest< they just left Gaitlinberg and are headed out to Standing Bear<Makes things a bit easier< I send small packages here and there and am going to fly out at the end of the month< Thanks for advice and kind words, there are days I really need them,

Welcome to WB jumping bean. You'll find that there are some great folks here ready and willing to lend an ear (so to speak) whenever you need one. Being the support for a hiker is a tough job but someone's gotta do it. :)

Sounds to me like you are doing a great job of handling things. Just keep telling yourself that you can do this. You can do anything you put your mind to... and hey look on the bright side... at least he didn't take up bungie jumping or sky diving as a hobby. ;)

Farr Away
04-30-2008, 15:37
I am finding myself going through spells. There will be hours at a time (when I'm busy/focused) that I won't really be thinking about him being gone, and then something will flip, and that seems to be all I can think about.

So last weekend I went hiking, and I've gone shopping, and I read a whole book while sitting in my hottub, and I did two straight days of yard work and that required more hottub time, and I've played poker with the people at work after hours, and I'm going to take the motorcycle safety course, and ... You get the idea.

I'm trying very hard to keep myself positive and to keep the separations in perspective. I also still have a bunch of name changes to do, so that's something else to keep me busy, lol.

I guess what I'm saying is "hang in there; this too shall pass." And there are a lot of people here that are really supportive, including me if you need an ear.

dixicritter
05-01-2008, 08:22
I am finding myself going through spells. There will be hours at a time (when I'm busy/focused) that I won't really be thinking about him being gone, and then something will flip, and that seems to be all I can think about.

So last weekend I went hiking, and I've gone shopping, and I read a whole book while sitting in my hottub, and I did two straight days of yard work and that required more hottub time, and I've played poker with the people at work after hours, and I'm going to take the motorcycle safety course, and ... You get the idea.

I'm trying very hard to keep myself positive and to keep the separations in perspective. I also still have a bunch of name changes to do, so that's something else to keep me busy, lol.

I guess what I'm saying is "hang in there; this too shall pass." And there are a lot of people here that are really supportive, including me if you need an ear.


That's awesome! :)

jumping bean
05-02-2008, 12:41
Thank You everyone, your comments and suggestions are helpful< i do keep busy, I work way to much, our relationship is fairly new , but he consumes my thoughts day in and day out, he has mentioned that he would get off the trail if i wanted< But there is no way I would let him do that, this is something he planned for before me and wants to complete, i agree totally in he needs to complete it, or when he decides he's done, it needs to be for other reasons, i told him I will wait we have the rest of our lives, and probably many more hikes to g o through< have'nt heard from him now again for a couple days, but i know he will send me a message as soon as he can, thanks again,

dixicritter
05-02-2008, 14:52
Thank You everyone, your comments and suggestions are helpful< i do keep busy, I work way to much, our relationship is fairly new , but he consumes my thoughts day in and day out, he has mentioned that he would get off the trail if i wanted< But there is no way I would let him do that, this is something he planned for before me and wants to complete, i agree totally in he needs to complete it, or when he decides he's done, it needs to be for other reasons, i told him I will wait we have the rest of our lives, and probably many more hikes to g o through< have'nt heard from him now again for a couple days, but i know he will send me a message as soon as he can, thanks again,

That's exactly the right attitude to have JB. That is what's going to get you through all this trust me. :)

beamarshall
05-04-2008, 21:42
And it is a good sign that he will plan and follow through on something this big, a ggod sign of commitment to what he values; look forward to the day when that commitment is all for you!

Hikerwannabe
05-25-2008, 23:16
Well the time is creeping up on me...getting closer and closer to departure day....He is going SOBO. I actually think I am ready for this...We have gotten the SPOT satalite tracker and have tested it so I feel alot more confident that if he does get into trouble, he can get the help he needs...but in the meantime, I can also track his progress as he hikes....still gonna miss him to death but this does make it a little easier to let go.

Waterfall
05-26-2008, 23:09
All the best to you, and good luck to your SO ... my hubby is on the PCT this year and I'm about to die of loneliness. I have never done so much yard work in my life as I've done in the past month and a half!

lindsay89
07-15-2008, 20:55
I am currently in a similar situation. My boyfriend of almost 3 years is on the AT. He's been gone over 2 weeks now and will continue to be gone for another 3 weeks. We have never been apart this long, but even though it's been really hard dealing with the loneliness and not being able to talk to him everyday, I have supported him every step of the way because I know this is something he has wanted to do for so long. The support I give him is a great way to cope with the loneliness and also allows me to support myself in new endeavors while he is away.

I've read all of the replies in this thread and they have all helped me a lot and I will definitely keep them in my thoughts for the next 19 days. :)

Thru Hiker Wife
07-15-2008, 22:25
To anyone supporting a spouse long distance, it's tough. Some of you know that I got on WB when my hubby left on his AT hike. Some may even know that he's home now. What few know is that I am the reason he's off the trail. We all do what we can but sometimes it doesn't work out. For me, I had all the right ideas and no follow through. Him being gone effected me more than I ever imagined it would and I needed bigger diversions with more people to push me. I fell into a deep depression (I had issues before he left anyway). Anyway, it spiraled into lack of motivation which further spiraled into not working as much as I should which led to less money which finally equalled him coming home. I regret that this happened and feel that he resents me (and well he probably should) but I tried and I'll try again the next time but I will try and start off heeding advice like I've given here and by trying to have things planned ahead of time to keep me busy cause if it's not already planned then there's too much of a chance that I just won't get it planned. I learned a lot about myself and how I feel about my husband from his little bit of time away. There's some good to it and some bad. I hope that one day my husband sees the good. The best I can offer these days to someone seperated from the SO is to knwo yourself before it happens and do whatever it is that YOU need. Be honest with yourself, be honest with your SO and have a plan.

Lilred
07-16-2008, 09:03
Thru hiker wife, it took a lot of courage to come on here and take that kind of responsibility. Not many people would. I hope you can resolve this in the future. Possible solution? go with him next time...... I don't know your circumstances for that possibility, but good luck to both of you whatever you decide.

Thru Hiker Wife
07-16-2008, 18:11
Well, thank you. Just that the truth is the truth and I figure if people want to come down on me about what happened then so be it. Despite what others may believe, depression is a sickness and when bad enough, can take over your whole life when not treated properly. Maybe I should/could have done more but I don't know about that.

Anyway, as for going with him next time, that's really not an option. We have a teenage daughter at home and neither her nor I are much into long distance hiking. Besides financially, we can't afford for both of us to take off work and go hiking.

Lillianp
07-16-2008, 20:38
That makes sense! My dad had/has depression and so I can understand how it is. In any case, even if he can't do a thru, it would seem he could do some long section hikes and finish it in a couple of years. The time would be considerably shorter, but maybe he'd be out there long enough to be happy?
Just a thought.

Lilred
07-16-2008, 20:58
I know about depression. My best friend suffers from it terribly and I've watched him suffer for almost 20 years now. Sometimes I can comfort, but most times I feel helpless. Don't beat yourself up over this and kudos to your husband for coming home, regardless of how he feels about it, he did come home for you.

dixicritter
07-17-2008, 10:15
Thru hiker wife... I totally agree with lilred! Don't beat yourself up anymore over this and kudos to your hubby! Use my number if you need to talk, I am still here (most of the time...LOL) to lend an ear.