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Tanya
03-21-2008, 19:50
HI, everybody, just wanna whine a bit. Hiking the AT has been my dream for many years. Since I was an undergrad when I first learned about the trail, (and then graduate) I could not afford hiking the whole thing:money and time constraints. So my friend and I hiked sections of it, all the time dreaming about doing the whole trail.
This summer it finally looked like the right time to do it. Since I now work at a community college, I only have 3.5 months free. So I was going to start in VA around May15 and get to Maine by the end of AUgust. Not quite the whole thing, but close enough. I would have been happy and satisfied with that. And in any case, I was going to finish the rest next summer.

So my heart was set on it. I told my husband about my plans in February; he knew of course about my dream but I guess he never took it seriously enough, so it was a shock for him. He said he did not wish to duscuss it right then and there. I understood it to mean that he just needs to get used to the idea; to process the significance of it. Essentially, I foolishly understood it as a yes. So I was very happy and began looking for deals on equipment.

Today we finally talked. And it turns out that my husband is absolutely against me taking off for 3.5 months (and thru-hikers know that section hiking is not a substitute for a few months of continuous hiking). So we had a long and upleasant conversation, and finally came to the understanding that he does not support me in this. He does not want me to go. I even tried emotional balck-mail - I was desperate, but nothing doing. And of course, I am not going to leave under these circumstances. This is not a week-end trip.

So it looks like no AT for me. I am hugely upset and am crying as we speak. Sorry for such a long rambling message. But this is the only place where I can find sympathy and understanding in this matter.
thank you for listening, guys, you all rock and happy trails to all of you!

Frosty
03-21-2008, 20:00
And of course, I am not going to leave under these circumstances.Why "of course"?

thestin
03-21-2008, 20:03
Tanya, have you thought about you and your husband getting some counseling? I can speak from experience that this may end up being a major issue in your marriage.

Lot going on here, including a lack of communication.

Forgive my being so forward, but I have been in the same situation as you, and we did not end up living happily ever after.

Skidsteer
03-21-2008, 20:07
Patience. Give it time. Talk some more.

You know. Like everything else in marriage.

Almost There
03-21-2008, 20:09
Tanya,

If he can't support one of your dreams then it speaks to a problem in your relationship. The question would be, "Why is he against you hiking?" Is it fear for your safety or something else? This issue has been debated many times here before, but having been married now for 9 years, I would never deny my wife a dream if there was no way of it hurting us in the material world. Fulfilling our dreams makes us better people...usually.

I understand your frustration and angst, but perhaps this bears more discussion with your husband, and if he isn't willing to discuss it, then maybe you have to question if he is there to enrich your life, or if he is there so that you can enrich his?

I hope you can work it out, and I'm sorry if it sounds harsh at all, it just blows my mind every time I hear of a couple with this kind of one-sided arrangement.

Tanya
03-21-2008, 20:13
because I can't leave the house in the amosphere of resentment. I won't be able to share with my husband the stories of all the wonderful happenings on the trail. He will not want to listen to any of it. And after I come back the whole thing will be a forbidden topic. And that's not what I want. I want him to partake of my joy.

To be fair to my husband, I have to explain the circs more. We've been living in NJ for the past two years; before that we lived in Ithaca,NY. He moved to this part of the states on my account. The company he works for is located in California, so here he works from home. He does not have any colleagues here, and the only people we are close with are my relatives and friends. So if I leave for three months, he will be left all alone. So from his perspective, what I propose to do is a quintessentially selfish thing. Also, I would be entirely dependant on him financially, because what I get paid at our college is barely enough to buy essential equipment (I am only an adjunct, not a full timer). So not only he would be alone; he would also be slaving away to pay for my adventure. By the way, hiking is not his thing at all, at least not this kind of hardcore hiking. So it's not like we could it together. It would have been my solo adventure.

Tanya
03-21-2008, 20:15
while I was typing, new posts appeared; the previous message was in reply to Frosty's question. THank you all in the mean time.

Gaiter
03-21-2008, 20:15
maybe wean him into you doing longer and longer sections, let him adjust and get used to you in the trail community
it might take longer, but if it means this much to you, then it would be worth it.
also proving your knowledge of what you are doing, i drove my parents nearly crazy talking about hiking soo much before my first long section, so they knew that i wasn't going out there clueless
i'm no expert, only had to convince parental units, but its an idea



(and thru-hikers know that section hiking is not a substitute for a few months of continuous hiking).

keep in mind, there is also a difference btn short section hiking and long section hiking, some places only define it as being more than 3 days, aldha (correct me if i'm wrong) defines a long distance hike as being over 500 miles.

warraghiyagey
03-21-2008, 20:16
Tanya,
I truly hope and pray girl that this situation heals. Someone who loves you will love your dreams - and support them regardless of their own issues.
Hope all works out in all regards.
The AT is there everyday - and if you want to walk the length of it at once, in this one life world, nobody should even want to stop you.
Hope to hear of you following this dream soon.
It's not over.
:sun:sun:sun

Gaiter
03-21-2008, 20:19
So not only he would be alone; he would also be slaving away to pay for my adventure.

maybe saving up to pay for it and help w/ the expenses at home would help the issue too.

Tanya
03-21-2008, 20:21
Tanya,

If he can't support one of your dreams then it speaks to a problem in your relationship. The question would be, "Why is he against you hiking?" Is it fear for your safety or something else? This issue has been debated many times here before, but having been married now for 9 years, I would never deny my wife a dream if there was no way of it hurting us in the material world. Fulfilling our dreams makes us better people...usually.

I understand your frustration and angst, but perhaps this bears more discussion with your husband, and if he isn't willing to discuss it, then maybe you have to question if he is there to enrich your life, or if he is there so that you can enrich his?

I hope you can work it out, and I'm sorry if it sounds harsh at all, it just blows my mind every time I hear of a couple with this kind of one-sided arrangement.

Thank you, Almost THere.

As you can see from my last post, I have not presented an objective picture of our circumstances. Maybe he would react differently if we lived in CAlifornia. But you see, as it is, he has already sacrificed a great deal for me: he changed his location, and working from home does not really compare to real, productive and inspiring communication with colleagues that you get when you work in the office (he is a computer engineer). So we already have that compromise. I, on the other hand, haven't changed anything important in my life for his sake.

thestin
03-21-2008, 20:26
Tanya, once again forgive me if I am too forward. It seems your husband is overly dependent on you. Why isn't he trying to make his own friends? True, he works at home, but there is time evenings and weekends to expand his horizons.

Your husband should be able to manage by himself for 3 months.

Crazy Larry #1
03-21-2008, 20:37
Well it sounds like to me that you love this man, that is pretty cool! Now if you want him to get into your hiking thing, or at least approving it? Then your gonna have to love him to it.........

Crazy Larry #1
03-21-2008, 20:40
Disfunctional relay event somwere what torawrds :curlling: Understanding 1 values mean more to realatin(shipwreck) than most pic up the pie an eat later it allways taste better a day later<:
Well I got the last part of that message pretty clearly, but what are you really trying to say?

orangebug
03-21-2008, 20:42
I suggest that you follow the earlier advice to get some counseling.

Yes, a thru hike or a long section if selfish. Some spouses are embarrassed with the idea that the hiker would prefer to sleep around other hikers in shelters or on the ground, as opposed to the home bed.

Yes, there is a problem if you husband hasn't developed a support network of his own on the East Coast. This is even a greater problem if the communication about the hike/conflict deals with prolonged silences and ultimatums - including your attempt at blackmail.

You are going to get a lot of advice based on our own unstated backgrounds and experiences. Personally, I feel really foolish for planning a 2 week section hike with a very good friend - during our 2nd anniversary. We've talked about it, particularly how I so quickly took the trip for granted without paying attention to the date. She has found a few ways for me to make it up to her.

So, if you and your husband are at loggerheads, plan to finding someway to enhance the conversation. I applaud your decision to postpone your trip and to seek advice. See what you can do with a decision among the couple.

Skidsteer
03-21-2008, 20:55
Hiking the AT has been my dream for many years. Since I was an undergrad when I first learned about the trail, (and then graduate) I could not afford hiking the whole thing:money and time constraints. So my friend and I hiked sections of it, all the time dreaming about doing the whole trail.

Tanya, do you know what your Husband's dreams are?

Doctari
03-21-2008, 20:55
I'm going for nearly a month, wife is more that supportive. Granted I have been married a bit longer than you, um, actually longer than you have been alive :rolleyes:
But, here is what I did, it may work for you: start out slow. Take part of your 3.5 months to section hike, maybe close to home. Let him get used ot the idea of you being gone*. Yes, section hiking isnít the same, but you have to start somewhere. Next time, go out longer**. Eventually, maybe that not only will he not oppose you going, he may say "Aint you left yet? Be sure to call when you can, love ya!"

* My first trip was 10 days, by day 9 MY WIFE WAS FREAKED OUT!!! But by the time I got home, she was much better. By next trip, "whenareyouleavingwhyareyoustillhere?".

**Next trip: 17 days, when I got home "OH, your home already".

This trip, 23 days of hiking. She is driving me to the trailhead, & then picking me up. Granted, she has an ulterior motive, visiting her best friend since childhood (3 hrs past my drop off point). But in only 11 years she has gone from hating me going to helping me get there.


Doctari.

ScottP
03-21-2008, 21:29
1. If I were you I would let the subject rest for a little bit and then have a conversation about hiking. As of now, since you are unable to fund your own adventure it doesn't seem fair for you to go hiking. Perhaps picking up some extra work and cutting your personal expenses to fund your adventure and your share of the expenses while gone would not only show your husband how serious you are about hiking but also remove his most legitimate complaint about your hiking. Keep a separate account for hiking expenses if you must.

2. Maybe you should relocate to California for the spectacular hiking and your husband's job. Would you rather be able to live by your own support system, or be able to hike?

3. Maybe you should give your husband the time to get this own support system before you disappear for a hike.

It doesn't necessarily sound like you need counseling. If I had a spouse that was barely able to meet her fair share of the expenses and wanted to take three months off to go on vacation, I would be strongly opposed to it for reasons of fairness.

Perhaps talking about a 2009 thru-hike makes a lot of sense. Your husband will have plenty of time to make friends (and let's face it, if you're his only friend, than that is a relationship issue you'll need to solve anyways). Get him in a golf league, on a judo team, or playing in a chess club or something so that he has a chance to make some friends.

Programbo
03-21-2008, 21:50
Unless you taking off for the 3.5 months would provide a financial hardship I don`t see why he should stand in the way...My wife is from Vietnam (Yes I have a wife :eek:) and every winter she returns there to visit her family and will stay for 3-5 months..I know she`ll be back and it is making her happy so I spend the time doing things I enjoy as well which normally she might care to be involved in when she is here...As far as "slaving away to pay for your adventure" I pay all her bills while she is gone and just accept thay while she`s away I won`t be able to add any to my savings..But at least I know she is happy and were she loves to be...You only get one turn around in this life and waking up one day when you are 50 and regretting never having hiked the trail isn`t a very nice thing to feel

dessertrat
03-21-2008, 22:35
Tanya, do you know what your Husband's dreams are?

That's a good question, Skid. There's something wrong here, Tanya, and you need to find out what.

WILLIAM HAYES
03-21-2008, 22:58
It saddens me to see anybody stand in the way of someone realizing their dream. It is an ultimate form of selfisness- Marriage partners need to support each other if my wife wanted to do this I would be her best supporter This guy needs to cut you some lack. If he cannot tell him to take a hike and go anyway if he really loves you he would understand if not maybe it is time to reassess your relationship with him.
Hillbilly

take-a-knee
03-21-2008, 23:13
Tell that all-about-me "other-half" of yours that your other dream is to be a helicopter crew chief/door gunner...and they are hiring I'm told.

Almost There
03-21-2008, 23:29
I suggest that you follow the earlier advice to get some counseling.

Yes, a thru hike or a long section if selfish. Some spouses are embarrassed with the idea that the hiker would prefer to sleep around other hikers in shelters or on the ground, as opposed to the home bed.

Yes, there is a problem if you husband hasn't developed a support network of his own on the East Coast. This is even a greater problem if the communication about the hike/conflict deals with prolonged silences and ultimatums - including your attempt at blackmail.

You are going to get a lot of advice based on our own unstated backgrounds and experiences. Personally, I feel really foolish for planning a 2 week section hike with a very good friend - during our 2nd anniversary. We've talked about it, particularly how I so quickly took the trip for granted without paying attention to the date. She has found a few ways for me to make it up to her.

So, if you and your husband are at loggerheads, plan to finding someway to enhance the conversation. I applaud your decision to postpone your trip and to seek advice. See what you can do with a decision among the couple.

I don't know how I feel about the fact that you would rather spend your 2nd anniversary with me than with El':eek: Don't get any funny ideas, I can hike faster than you with my new lungs, old man!:D



Tanya,

You should never feel guilty for the give and take in a marriage. What have you done for him?...you married him and you love him! You'll figure it out, if it's something you really want, you will find a way to make it happen, and if it bothers you that much or you feel like you are going to resent him somewhere down the line, then I suggest you follow Orangebug's advice, better to tackle a problem now, than several years down the road. Again, good luck!

Bilko
03-21-2008, 23:44
But this is the only place where I can find sympathy and understanding in this matter.
thank you for listening, guys, you all rock and happy trails to all of you!


If you need to go to whiteblaze for sympathy and understanding you have alot more problems than you think you do. Going out hiking is not your problem.

warraghiyagey
03-21-2008, 23:48
Yikes dude.:(



The great maority of us here are very happy to help just by talking if we can Tanya. And wishing you the absolute best.
You are a sister here.:sun:sun:sun:sun

Frosty
03-22-2008, 00:20
because I can't leave the house in the amosphere of resentment. I won't be able to share with my husband the stories of all the wonderful happenings on the trail. He will not want to listen to any of it. And after I come back the whole thing will be a forbidden topic. And that's not what I want. I want him to partake of my joy. Yep, that all makes sense. Trouble is, you can't make people feel what you want them to feel. you can work out a compromise or an agreement where he is okay with your hiking, but you can't make him feel joy at it. YOU can feel joy at your hike, though, even if he doesn't. But I see you want to share your joy.

Most marriages are made up of three components. Two separate people and a couple. Think of it as two circles that overlap. Every marriage needs that overlap of coupledom, things that the two people share with each other. But it also needs the separate parts of each circle, also. Each person must have an individual part that is not shared. They still need to be their own person. Marriage is the union of two people. It needs two people. When they become as one person, without their own identies, the marriage is weakened, not strengthened.

Think of Khalil Gibran's words on Love and Marriage:

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each otherís shadow.

warraghiyagey
03-22-2008, 00:35
Frosty, nice work. The Prophet has very special meaning to me. I carry it on the trail with me.
Sorry I stood you guys up for the PA Ruck.

:sun:sun:sun

fiddlehead
03-22-2008, 00:45
Life is priorities. IMO

River Runner
03-22-2008, 00:48
Tanya,

I am going to take your husband's side a bit here. I can understand why he would be shocked that you would want to leave him for 3.5 months, especially if he is a non-hiker, if he did not realize that your dream was not just one of those things that some of us talk about wanting to do, but know deep down that we never will.

I guess it will come down to which is more important to you - a thru hike, or your husband. Only you can make that decision. If you decide it's your husband, trying the increasingly longer section hikes as suggested is a good alternative.

If you decide finding yourself on a thru hike is more important, then you need to seriously analyze how commited you really are to the relationship you entered. Considering the fact that your hike would also be a financial burden, that your husband moved from California for your benefit, and that he apparently considers you the most important thing in his life as evidenced by the fact he spends all his spare time on you rather than outside interests or friends, if you feel a long hike that he is opposed to and that separates you for many months is more important, it might be good for both of you as a couple to sit down and discuss your long term goals. Then decide if they are worth compromising to keep the relationship or if it is best to cut the relationship now instead of 10 or 20 years down the road when you both may have grown to resent personal sacrifices made.

A thru hike, despite the memories that linger, is after all only a journey of 3-6 months when it comes down to it. Is it worth it?

envirodiver
03-22-2008, 03:19
Tanya, as someone that is divorced I may not be the best person for advice. However, I will offer my opinions.

I can understand his way of thinking to a certain extent. It would be difficult for him to be without you for 3.5 months. But regarding the finance side, you said that you don't make that much money anyway and you are out of school during that time so, I don't understand that there would be a decrease in family income. The amount that you would spend on your hike is not that great. If you need gear ask for those things for birthdays, Christmas, etc. It's OK for you to buy your own gear also.

However, Is the financial side of things the real issue? I have no idea what your relationship is with your husband and if there are other issues, but for some people it would be difficult to trust a spouse alone with a bunch of other folks for 3.5 months. If trust is the issue then it's something that must be addressed if you hike or not.

If the hike is very important to you and you don't do it because of him, it may create a wedge in your relationship that just gets wider and wider as time goes by.

Good luck and I hope that it all works out.

double d
03-22-2008, 03:45
Tanya, I hope your husband will understand your passion to accomplish one of your life's dreams, I'm not sure why he is so much against your dream, maybe he is confused, hurt, controlling, dependant on you for his happyiness (and so what if he is without you for 3 and half months, look at members of the U.S. military that are away from their families for much longer periods of time). Good luck, keep communicating with your husband about this issue and whatever decision you come too, make sure you accept it and not resent him or yourself for making whatever choice you make.

Tin Man
03-22-2008, 05:48
Marriage is all about communication. If you are not aware of each others' dreams, then there needs to be more communication. I don't know how much you have shared your hiking enthusiasm with your husband, but if this was out of the blue, his reaction is not all that surprising. Although, it would appear he could have been a little more open minded. As others have suggested, take some shorter hikes and work your way up. You are young and have plenty of time to realize your dreams. Communicate more, stress less.

orangebug
03-22-2008, 08:09
However, Is the financial side of things the real issue? I have no idea what your relationship is with your husband and if there are other issues, but for some people it would be difficult to trust a spouse alone with a bunch of other folks for 3.5 months. If trust is the issue then it's something that must be addressed if you hike or not.To psychiatrists, Money is American Sex. It is the one topic that everyone chokes on.

Watch the talk shows. More people will discuss intimate relationships with farm animals than how they manage their credit cards.

Couples who can discuss money can resolve any problem.

STEVEM
03-22-2008, 08:36
Tanya, you may want to review this discussion. It seems to be a similar issue to yours: http://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/showthread.php?t=16135

Unfortunately, I don't think things went well for Victoria, and she hasn't been around here in a long time. Maybe you could send her a PM or email.

rickb
03-22-2008, 08:57
Being in love with a spouse is better than being in love with the idea of a thru hike. Many people are not as lucky as you. Plenty of lonely people out on the AT, and not because they are by themselves.

Think about a nice section while you have a chance. The trail does trend to help some people find their priorities. How much hiking have you done, anyway?

Anyone who doesn't know you can't really even guess what yours should be.

Frolicking Dinosaurs
03-22-2008, 09:12
:::: Dino curls a loving and comforting tail around Tanya ::::

Several ladies here are married to non-hiking husbands. I hope they will weigh in on the realities of being away from home for lengthy periods and how they have managed keeping the home-fire burning while doing it. This does take considerable planning and thought.

Tanya, don't give up because this attempt was not successful. Give some thought to how you could make this happen by seeing that your husband's needs for friendship and support while you are away are met -- and for you to be able to accumulate a nest-egg to finance your hike so he does not have to 'slave away' to pay for your hike.

Marriage is a lot of give and take -- and both parties' needs have to get met or it just doesn't work. I would do my hiking and such a lot differently if I were single, but I'm not. I've modified my hiking style considerably for the comfort / sense of well-being of the He-Dino who is a far less experienced hiker than I am. Sometimes I would rather go alone, but He-Dino would be sitting at home terrified for my safety (I have had a considerable disability since 2004) and knowing that would ruin the experience for me.

Tipi Walter
03-22-2008, 09:41
Tell that all-about-me "other-half" of yours that your other dream is to be a helicopter crew chief/door gunner...and they are hiring I'm told.

If the backpacking gods wanted me to have a wife, they would have issued me one.

Three things to avoid if wanting to live outdoors and backpack:
A wife(or husband)
Kids
Debt

BipolarStroller
03-22-2008, 10:00
You should find out why he doesn't want you to go, it could be as simple as he doesn't trust you or doesn't trust you hiking and tenting with alot of other men, or maybe it's a saftey issue, could be scared you'll get eaten by a bear or attacked by some psycho (I take a moment to remember M.E.~God Bless her soul).
Maybe you should talk with HikerNut, we met them last march,her husband came and stayed the very cold and windy night with her at Fontana and then next morning cooked us all a hot breakfast, then sent his tiny adorable wife up Shuckstack mountain, it was endearing to see him happy because she was doing what made her happy.
Until the hiking bug gets him, it'll be hard for him to understand your "obsession" to hike. Your future together depends on his positive exposure, put a pack on him and slap him in the booty. Include him in everything, buying gear, browsing whiteblaze, it's quite infectious especially once he gets out there and starts meeting some of the nicest people in the world and maybe when he is comfortable and feels welcomed to your hiking family, he'll loosen up.
alot of us want to thru hike, badly, myself included. I've given Crumb my blessing to do a thru, but now he faces the same roadblock I have, our baby. We don't resent her needing us, although we sure get antsy in the spring!
Good luck, I hope you find a resolution and happiness!

digger51
03-22-2008, 10:05
Tanya...it's just a long walk. Some people wrap their lives around it and can't understand why everyone doesn't. A marriage is a lifelong partnership and committment, if you are lucky. Ask yourself if you love the idea of a long walk more than you love your husband. That answer should guide you. Fortunately, my wife supports my outdoors activities. But, if she said today that I had to choose between hiking and prospecting and her, my boots would be in the trash and my pan would be on ebay tonight. You can always find a park or a dayhike or weekender, but you can't always find love. I hope it works out for you whatever you decide.

rafe
03-22-2008, 10:17
There are things in life more important than trails. I know that my wife would not support my leaving for a thru-hike, of the AT or any other trail. It was enough of a challenge getting a six-weak "leave" last summer to finish the AT. But hey, them's the breaks. Win some, lose some. I can gripe, but... it's just a trail.

Tin Man
03-22-2008, 10:31
it's just a trail.

Blasphemy! :eek:

camojack
03-22-2008, 10:34
Blasphemy! :eek:
I thought he was quoting Lone Wolf... :-?

Tin Man
03-22-2008, 10:37
I thought he was quoting Lone Wolf... :-?

Yup, but without the necessary reference. ;)

Catnip
03-22-2008, 10:39
To be fair to my husband, I have to explain the circs more. We've been living in NJ for the past two years; before that we lived in Ithaca,NY. He moved to this part of the states on my account. The company he works for is located in California, so here he works from home. He does not have any colleagues here, and the only people we are close with are my relatives and friends. So if I leave for three months, he will be left all alone. So from his perspective, what I propose to do is a quintessentially selfish thing. Also, I would be entirely dependant on him financially, because what I get paid at our college is barely enough to buy essential equipment (I am only an adjunct, not a full timer). So not only he would be alone; he would also be slaving away to pay for my adventure. By the way, hiking is not his thing at all, at least not this kind of hardcore hiking. So it's not like we could it together. It would have been my solo adventure.
Tanya, what you wrote above prompts me to ask: Do you think maybe it's your turn to do more of the compromising in the marriage for a while? It sounds like hubby has compromised a lot for you, with cross country moves and being far from his family.

Just a suggestion. Good luck to you, and take your time making decisions. "Act in haste, repent in leisure." The trail is patient and will wait for you. :)

k-n
03-22-2008, 10:54
what a buzzkill!

Lilred
03-22-2008, 11:22
Tanya, I sympathize with your situation and thank God every day I'm not in it. I was. I was married to a man that wanted to control me. Understand, when I say control me, I mean that he would tell me that I could or could not do certain things. I HATED it. I am not the type of person to be controlled. Needless to say I left him after two years. I made a point of telling my now husband, while we were dating, that he did not have the option of telling me what I could or could not do. Fortunately, he is not that kind of man. He is so supportive of my hiking I sometimes wonder if he really just wants me gone for awhile.... LOL j/k. For instance, I am planning to hike this coming week, leaving monday for Amicalola and hiking four days to neel's gap. We are broke, and I mean realllllly broke right now. It'll cost me $100 dollars for this hike. I had pretty much decided not to go because of the money. My husband sat me down and asked me, if I were to stay home, how much money would I spend on food for dinner for us for that week. Well, you guessed it, about $100 dollars. He knows how badly I have springer fever right now and told me to take the grocery money and go hiking. He'd get by with soup and sandwiches for the week. Granted, it's only a week, but he is just as supportive of my five week hikes in the summer and I know he'll be supportive if we can ever afford for me to thru hike. And this from a man that doesn't hike, can't stand to hike, and won't even go on day hikes with me.

You really need to talk to your husband. Ask him if he is your husband or your father. Ask him who will be making your decisions in life, You or him. I cannot tell you how much my blood boils whenever I hear a woman talk about her husband not 'letting' her do something. Imo, it's wrong and reduces the woman's status in the marriage. It's not like you're going out having an affair on the trail, or by hiking, will leave the marriage in financial crisis. You're not leaving young children at home. I'm curious if he tells you what you can do in other aspects of your life, or is this the only point of contention.

Tanya, I hope you find a solution for this problem instead of caving in and thinking you'll 'never' be able to do a thru hike because your husband forbids it (AAAACCCCKKKK!!!!!). God, I just want to pull my hair out at the thought of it.

I don't know who to grab by the shoulders and shake into reality, you or your husband.

Doctari
03-22-2008, 11:25
I would like to point out / remind you that all this advice is FREE ADVICE, you get what you pay for.

Even my advice above should be suspect :p

Hopefully there is something here that will help. We wish you well whatever you decide.

jlb2012
03-22-2008, 11:36
about all i can say is that its your life Tanya - make of it what you will - fortunately dreams are free and can not be suppressed - keep the dream alive and when circumstances change perhaps then your dream will come true.

Jason of the Woods
03-22-2008, 11:48
What is wrong with a Husband missing a wife? I guess that I am lucky in that we both enjoy the outdoors and we're not married.;) She chose the relationship that she's in and she can chose to get out if she wants. I think it's silly for you people to attack her Hubby.

Lilred
03-22-2008, 11:49
Just as an aside here, I've noticed that these kind of threads are mostly from women. We rarely hear a guy saying, 'my spouse won't let me go'. There was one recently, but it was a girlfriend giving an ultamatum, me or the trail. The men's advice to him was overwhelmingly to dump her. I find that very interesting indeed.

Lilred
03-22-2008, 11:51
What is wrong with a Husband missing a wife? I guess that I am lucky in that we both enjoy the outdoors and we're not married.;) She chose the relationship that she's in and she can chose to get out if she wants. I think it's silly for you people to attack her Hubby.

There is nothing wrong with a husband missing a wife. Mine misses me terribly when I'm gone. There is A LOT wrong with a husband telling a wife she CANNOT do something because he will miss her. If you can't see the difference, well, ...... think about it.

10-K
03-22-2008, 11:57
Never mind....

The Solemates
03-22-2008, 12:04
I dont think you should go. Your marriage is more important than some hike. Do a lot of weekend trips to satisfy your hiking passion.

Jason of the Woods
03-22-2008, 12:04
I am going to tread lightly but the impression that I got was that she chose not to do it because it would upset her Husband. Marriage is about compromise. Without that there is no marriage. With all due respect your hubby sounds like the type who just lets you do whatever without really expressing his feelings. It is all too common unfortunately.
There is nothing wrong with a husband missing a wife. Mine misses me terribly when I'm gone. There is A LOT wrong with a husband telling a wife she CANNOT do something because he will miss her. If you can't see the difference, well, ...... think about it.

Lilred
03-22-2008, 12:12
I am going to tread lightly but the impression that I got was that she chose not to do it because it would upset her Husband. Marriage is about compromise. Without that there is no marriage. With all due respect your hubby sounds like the type who just lets you do whatever without really expressing his feelings. It is all too common unfortunately.

Unfortunately???? LOLOLOL OMG!!! yea it's unfortunate my husband treats me like the adult that I am, able to make my own decisions without being 'told' what I can and cannot do. ya how unfortunate. Good grief!

The impression i get is that she chose not to do it because her husband told her she couldn't, and now she wants to keep peace in the marriage, and has to do that by giving up her dream.

The impression I get is that she hurts because of the decision HE has made.

Jason of the Woods
03-22-2008, 12:30
Yep you just proved to me what type of wife you are. No offense. My exwife and her Mother are just like you. Where in her thread did it say that? Obviously she loves him enough to still be with him. Maybe he's not such a bad guy. Just because you had a bad experience doesn't mean that all of us are bad. I don't think that not leaving your other half for multiple months is giving up your dream. What about the dream of union that marriage is?;)

When you ask your hubby to jump does he ask how high?;)

BipolarStroller
03-22-2008, 12:35
Can't we all just get along?

I guess this is as unimportatant as the previous, but mine let's me do whatever I want just as long as I don't make him listen to me b*tch, and what I want usually benefits us as a whole, and I "treat" him like the kid that lives inside of him, because that's what I love about him, his love for life. I guess when you get to a certain age, your perspectives change and hopefully you have enough life to chase your youth, and who doesn't like having fun?

Tanya
03-22-2008, 12:38
What an overwhelming support from all of you!
Forgive me if I won't answer each message individually. I've read every single reply and found so many wise, kind, honest words that I am grateful to all of you beyond expression.

I will, however, clarify a few points that seemed to arise most frequently.

Sacrifice - yes, my husband moved from California. But here is the whole deal. We are both immigrants from Russia. I've lived here for 12 years; he for about 8. I moved to America with my older brother; we have a lot of relatives here - aunts and uncles, but we started essentially on our own. Eventually, my parents moved here as well. Most of my immdiate family lives in Brooklyn now, about an hour's drive from our place. I am very close with my family. Igor, my husband, moved to California for work originally, eventually he decided to stay there and got a Green Card. His family is in Saint-Petersburg. He knows my family very well; we went to high school together back in Saint Petersburg. When we were still dating, I visited him in California a few times and stayed for a month during winter vacations and then for one whole summer. I did not like California at all. It was hot, lonely and way too many cars. Back then I did not know how to drive because I lived in university towns before we moved to NJ. And I was used to riding my bike everywhere or walking. In California I realized for the first time that cars are truly a necessaity. Before you jump on my back, I did learn how to drive eventually and now, just like everybody else, drive to work every day. NJ is not all that different from California in that respect.

At any rate, moving to California for me means leaving my family. Also, since we plan on having kids in the near future, it means not being close to grandparents. The whole immigrating issue comes into play here; too complicated to explain fully but in short: getting away from the only family we have here means getting away from cultural roots, from the native language; it means that our kids will not speak RUssian and will not know our background. I've done enough linguistic research on this issue to know that two parents alone cannot compete with the prevalent culture. The only way to ensure that kids will know your culture at least partially is to have a very strong network, which means family friends and relatives. If we move to California we will not have that. However, I told Igor that I'd be willing to do that if he let me out this summer.

Money issues - I get paid about 750 every two weeks. This semester I will get seven paychecks. Half of it goes to pay my loans, the other half for my personal expenses. This (375 every two weeks, starting in January) was the money I was going to use to get the gear, and use whatever would be left for the cash expenses during the hike. I was going to rely on Igor for any additional financial help I might need. Igor does support us both. But we live very comfortably. We have no children so far, so I don't think it would have made a serious dent in our financial situation.

Section hiking instead of the whole thing - This is not an option. I've done enough section hiking in the rugged parts (the Whites most importantly) and met enough thru-hikers to know exactly what I want. I want to get away for a few moths. I want to be closer to nature. I am a very outdoorsy person. Since we've moved to NJ, I feel very confined by all the big roads, lack of opportunity to get where I want on foot instead of cars. I took up running seriously (even ran NJ marathon last April) but that does not quite satisfy my need to be able move freely outside. Out of all the places where I lived in the states, my favorite by far was Ithaca, NY. That place was beautiful; there were trails right in the town. You could walk everywhere. Anyway, I want to live on the trail, not section-hike it. I want to get away. I want to be a part of this whole thru-hiking culture.

There's always another year to do it - I am not so certain about it. Most likely by next summer we'll be well on the way to having kids. I don't know when I'll have the luxury of several free months after that. Say, 10 years, well, the trail might not be there as it is now. I am paranoid about environmental issues and trail overuse. What will be left of the trail in 10 or 15 years?

There were other pertinent questions that I am not at liberty to answer because that would involve discussing too personal issues, Igor's and mine.

Sorry for such a long letter. I felt that I had to explain the situation better. THank you again for your support and honesty. I do hope that some day I'll meet you on the trail.

Happy trails to all of you,
t.

Jason of the Woods
03-22-2008, 12:38
Touche! I was just telling another thread that they should get high together and be nice to each other.;)
Can't we all just get along?

I guess this is as unimportatant as the previous, but mine let's me do whatever I want just as long as I don't make him listen to me b*tch, and what I want usually benefits us as a whole, and I "treat" him like the kid that lives inside of him, because that's what I love about him, his love for life. I guess when you get to a certain age, your perspectives change and hopefully you have enough life to chase your youth, and who doesn't like having fun?

Lone Wolf
03-22-2008, 12:44
HI, everybody, just wanna whine a bit. Hiking the AT has been my dream for many years. Since I was an undergrad when I first learned about the trail, (and then graduate) I could not afford hiking the whole thing:money and time constraints. So my friend and I hiked sections of it, all the time dreaming about doing the whole trail.
This summer it finally looked like the right time to do it. Since I now work at a community college, I only have 3.5 months free. So I was going to start in VA around May15 and get to Maine by the end of AUgust. Not quite the whole thing, but close enough. I would have been happy and satisfied with that. And in any case, I was going to finish the rest next summer.

So my heart was set on it. I told my husband about my plans in February; he knew of course about my dream but I guess he never took it seriously enough, so it was a shock for him. He said he did not wish to duscuss it right then and there. I understood it to mean that he just needs to get used to the idea; to process the significance of it. Essentially, I foolishly understood it as a yes. So I was very happy and began looking for deals on equipment.

Today we finally talked. And it turns out that my husband is absolutely against me taking off for 3.5 months (and thru-hikers know that section hiking is not a substitute for a few months of continuous hiking). So we had a long and upleasant conversation, and finally came to the understanding that he does not support me in this. He does not want me to go. I even tried emotional balck-mail - I was desperate, but nothing doing. And of course, I am not going to leave under these circumstances. This is not a week-end trip.

So it looks like no AT for me. I am hugely upset and am crying as we speak. Sorry for such a long rambling message. But this is the only place where I can find sympathy and understanding in this matter.
thank you for listening, guys, you all rock and happy trails to all of you!

so your husband wins. hmmm. not good

weary
03-22-2008, 12:52
These things have a way of working themselves out. I suggested a camping trip a month or two after we were married. But my wife announced, "I'm not going to lower myself by sleeping on the ground." But I took her to visit my folks who were camping all summer in the mountains. Eventually she decided that she might visit them overnight "If I can sleep in their travel trailer."

Well one thing lead to another and we ended up two years later camping in the pop up travel trailer in Baxter State Park with our then 11 month old daughter. Then we camped in a tent at Roaring Brook, and South Branch Ponds in Baxter. Six years later we were backpacking with three kids to Baxter's Chimney Pond, and Russell Pond.

All I'm suggesting is never say never. Work into these decisions gradually. The trail will still be here in a few years or 50 years. And it's unlikely to change significantly. It's still the trail it was in the 70s. Just a bit more difficult in places like Maine.

Weary

Skidsteer
03-22-2008, 13:15
Just as an aside here, I've noticed that these kind of threads are mostly from women. We rarely hear a guy saying, 'my spouse won't let me go'. There was one recently, but it was a girlfriend giving an ultamatum, me or the trail. The men's advice to him was overwhelmingly to dump her. I find that very interesting indeed.

I bet it happens to men every bit as often as to women.

Men just don't snivel about it online as much.

JAK
03-22-2008, 13:23
If you have no kids I don't see why this is so complicated.
Heads you go. Tails you stay.
If your disappointed with the coin toss, turn it over.

No brainer.

rafe
03-22-2008, 13:41
Section hiking instead of the whole thing - This is not an option. I've done enough section hiking in the rugged parts (the Whites most importantly) and met enough thru-hikers to know exactly what I want. I want to get away for a few moths....

Well, there's the rub. The AT can be done in sections of arbitrary size, over arbitrary periods of time (I'm rather an expert in that.) But your goal is clear: to get away for a few months. So this isn't about hiking, really, is it?

JAK
03-22-2008, 13:44
That last post might have been a little harsh.
I guess I'm saying life has alot to offer, so you should do something with it.
If not the AT no biggy. Something else maybe. But something.

Talk to hubby. Ask him if not the AT, then what?

carpe diem

Tin Man
03-22-2008, 14:04
Tanya,

I am not sure what you want us to tell you. If you want to live your life with no regrets, then go. Tell him you need to get this out of your system before you have kids. If not this year, maybe next year. Just go. If you have a strong marriage, he will support you in the end. If he refuses to support you on this, how do you know he will support you when life throws a negative curve ball? Tell him you love him, but you really need to do this now (or next year). Invite him to meet you every 2-4 weeks. Tell him you will call every few days. Tell him how important this is to you and how you want him to understand and support you. Go and live...

Blissful
03-22-2008, 14:04
Tanya,

I can totally understand this.

When I first told my hubby about doing the while AT- he was against it as well. He did not want me to do it. Or he wanted me to do it in sections when he could go. Not what I wanted (I wanted to do the whole thing. It was a dream of mine for 30 some odd years)). But I knew I needed his support. A marriage means a team in something this important that takes you away from each other.

So I waited. We went out on hikes together so he was a part of my dream. He got to meet the trail community. He got a taste of what it is like. And slowly but surely, his mind changed. He agreed that it was okay for me to go. And he was my biggest supporter. Without his support, I could not have done it or made it.

It's important to have your husband's support. You need to be a team in this. So maybe it would be good for you both to experience some of the trail together. Take some hikes when you have vacations. Let him become a part of what is important to you so he doesn't think the AT is more important than him. And wait for the right time.

If you want to PM me about this some more, feel free.

Appalachian Tater
03-22-2008, 14:06
If you are planning on getting pregnant, make sure you are taking at least 400 microgams of folic acid a day.

JAK
03-22-2008, 14:11
To psychiatrists, Money is American Sex. It is the one topic that everyone chokes on.

Watch the talk shows. More people will discuss intimate relationships with farm animals than how they manage their credit cards.

Couples who can discuss money can resolve any problem.Excellent post.

More specifically, couples who can live well within their means, and not fall pray to consumerism as a poor and fruitless substitute for real sex and real living, they are truly free, and truly married to one another.

weary
03-22-2008, 14:15
If you are planning on getting pregnant, make sure you are taking at least 400 mg of folic acid a day.
At last. A totally unambiguous post. No debate. Just do it.

JAK
03-22-2008, 14:17
If you are planning on getting pregnant, make sure you are taking at least 400 mg of folic acid a day.
Yo! I think you mean 400 microgram NOT 400 mg.

"Most people should be able to get the amount they need by eating a varied and balanced diet. Adults need 0.2 mg a day. However, if you are pregnant or thinking of having a baby you should take a daily 0.4 mg (400 microgram) folic acid supplement from the time you stop using contraception until the 12th week of pregnancy."

"Folic acid, known as folate in its natural form, is one of the B-group of vitamins. Folate is found in small amounts in many foods. Good sources include broccoli, Brussels sprouts, asparagus, peas, chickpeas and brown rice. Other useful sources include fortified breakfast cereals, some bread and some fruit (such as oranges and bananas)."

Shoot me, but I don't think you need a supplement to double your intake of folic acid. You just need to be eating properly in the first place!

Appalachian Tater
03-22-2008, 14:30
Yes, please, 400 micrograms, not milligrams. Sorry. But the a vitamin supplement with folic acid should be taken regardless of your diet. It won't hurt you and it prevents serious birth defects.

superman
03-22-2008, 14:34
My ex wasn't into hiking either.

Brushy Sage
03-22-2008, 14:36
Tanya, do you have a relative or someone else in your cultural community who might enjoy hiking with you on this journey -- say a woman whose husband or boyfriend might become a support person (friend) for your husband? If this becomes an exciting adventure for your wider family, you will turn out to be a pioneer, and your husband can be proud of you.

JAK
03-22-2008, 14:37
Yes, please, 400 micrograms, not milligrams. Sorry. But the a vitamin supplement with folic acid should be taken regardless of your diet. It won't hurt you and it prevents serious birth defects.Supplements not neccessary if you are taking a healthy diet and watching your folic acid. It is in many many healthy foods. If you are not eating them you have bigger issues than just folic acid, though that is a big one. Damn the supplements. Eat healthy foods.

JAK
03-22-2008, 14:41
Also stay active, which allows you to eat up to twice as much healthy food.
The need for supplements, both real and commercial, is a symptom of a large problem.

Jason of the Woods
03-22-2008, 14:45
There is a scientist at Harvard that is saying that you don't need supplements or vitamins if you are healthy. Is it just me or does that statement, coming from a Harvard professor, scare the hell out of ya? :-?
Also stay active, which allows you to eat up to twice as much healthy food.
The need for supplements, both real and commercial, is a symptom of a large problem.

JAK
03-22-2008, 14:54
LOL. I'm not sure what you meant by that.
There are several jokes in there. Which one was intended?

Jason of the Woods
03-22-2008, 15:04
Just the whole "healthy people don't need vitamins" thing. Unbelievable! Can I get a high paying position at Harvard too?;)

Thru Hiker Wife
03-22-2008, 23:32
So many posts from other hikers but what about his side? Does it make him a horrible person for not wanting to be without his wife for months at a time? Should he not be concerned for a woman on the trail in this day and age (prayers to M.E.'s family)? Add to that the somewhat limited communication which further feeds the concern and sense of loss?

I don't know but being on this side is hard. It's hard not being with him. It's hard not knowing if he's safe every night. It's hard to take a two income household down to one when you're taking on an "added" expense of a hike. It's hard to not feel like you're not important because the one you love chooses to be away from you for months (and in this case needs to be according to her post). It's hard not knowing when I may see or talk to him again. For a non hiking spouse, it's hard to not contemplate that perhaps he'll meet someone on the trail with this same interest and then...And this just skims the surface folks! My husband is out there trying to fullfill his dream with my support but it's dang hard I tell you!

IMHO, you should try some of the things suggested within this thread including time, compromise, discussion and exposure. If that doesn't work into your life plan, then re-evaluate (women are able to have babies much later in life these days). If all else fails, then you make a decision. The trail will always be there (it has been for years) and it is just a long walk. Is that really worth sacrificing your life and love for? Only you can decide.

P.S. Keep in mind, the trail is your dream. Was this a dream that started before marriage? Perhaps you will find it equally difficult to be away from him and find that this dream was that of a single person and therefore no longer applies to you. Then again, maybe not...

Best of luck to you and your spouse!

Thru Hiker Wife
03-22-2008, 23:58
I might also add that as all the hikers speak of him supporting your dream, what about you supporting his? Perhaps you being gone for 3.5 months isn't part of his life plan/dream. Marriage is a partnership where each needs to respect the others needs, dreams, etc. If they lead on two different paths, then you either compromise or move on because you each want/need different things from life.

Tin Man
03-23-2008, 00:06
I might also add that as all the hikers speak of him supporting your dream, what about you supporting his? Perhaps you being gone for 3.5 months isn't part of his life plan/dream. Marriage is a partnership where each needs to respect the others needs, dreams, etc. If they lead on two different paths, then you either compromise or move on because you each want/need different things from life.

3.5 months apart out of 40-60 years of marriage is nothing. 3.5 months pursuing your dream while you can - priceless.

Just saying.

Thru Hiker Wife
03-23-2008, 00:16
Agreed, TM. Course, the marriage has to surpass the 3.5 months and make it to 40-60 years. If parties cannot come to an acceptable compromise for both individuals, then that is not likely to happen.


3.5 months apart out of 40-60 years of marriage is nothing. 3.5 months pursuing your dream while you can - priceless.

Just saying.

Thru Hiker Wife
03-23-2008, 00:17
Oh, and at the time 3.5 months seems like FOREVER. :D

Tin Man
03-23-2008, 00:22
Agreed, TM. Course, the marriage has to surpass the 3.5 months and make it to 40-60 years. If parties cannot come to an acceptable compromise for both individuals, then that is not likely to happen.

If he cannot live without her for 3.5 months and support her dream, then I agree the 40-60 years is not going to happen. It's this dream today, what about future dreams? Just saying.

Tin Man
03-23-2008, 00:30
Oh, and at the time 3.5 months seems like FOREVER. :D

I took care of my 1 year-old and 3 year-old while my wife went running around Europe with her mother for 3.5 weeks - seemed like 3.5 months - and I survived. When she first brought up the idea, I said she should definitely go. He needs to suck it up.

The one thing that came out in the story is that he is Russian. In my limited exposure to Russian males, I found they can be very dominant and controlling. Totally different culture growing up Russian and we do not know how that factors in here. Certainly our American way of thinking is likely to differ from his.

Thru Hiker Wife
03-23-2008, 00:33
If he cannot live without her for 3.5 months and support her dream, then I agree the 40-60 years is not going to happen. It's this dream today, what about future dreams? Just saying.


I guess my point is that they're both entitled to dreams. Sounds like he's done a lot in trying to support her, love her and help fullfill some dreams and maybe she should step back and evaluate his needs as well as hers. Just saying.

Then again, this is a fresh wound for me so I currently cannot see outside the box of the emotions that I am going through. It just seems that sometimes hikers on a thru fail to realize how difficult it is for those of us left behind. That becomes very apparent in threads such as this. Then again, I have received some much needed and appreciated support here at WB so who knows. I just wanted to throw in the other perspective is all.

Thru Hiker Wife
03-23-2008, 00:36
The one thing that came out in the story is that he is Russian. In my limited exposure to Russian males, I found they can be very dominant and controlling. Totally different culture growing up Russian and we do not know how that factors in here. Certainly our American way of thinking is likely to differ from his.

Agreed. We are all merely speculating based upon the limited amount of information she has supplied within this thread. I'm sure there are a multitude of other issues involved.;)

Tin Man
03-23-2008, 01:03
I guess my point is that they're both entitled to dreams. Sounds like he's done a lot in trying to support her, love her and help fullfill some dreams and maybe she should step back and evaluate his needs as well as hers. Just saying.

Then again, this is a fresh wound for me so I currently cannot see outside the box of the emotions that I am going through. It just seems that sometimes hikers on a thru fail to realize how difficult it is for those of us left behind. That becomes very apparent in threads such as this. Then again, I have received some much needed and appreciated support here at WB so who knows. I just wanted to throw in the other perspective is all.

I am not trying to oversimplify or suggest it is easy, but if my spouse wanted to go away for 3.5 months to fulfill a dream, I would look at it as a chance for me to support her and show my love by saying go for it. I would do so with the knowledge she will come back a happier person versus sad or even resentful if I had said no. I am just suggesting seeing the longer term benefits can help someone get through the short term inconveniences. And the time will go by quickly if the person has a good outlet such as a new hobby or something to distract them. And it is not like he cannot meet her on occasion or talk to her regularly.

Thru Hiker Wife
03-23-2008, 01:06
I am not trying to oversimplify or suggest it is easy, but if my spouse wanted to go away for 3.5 months to fulfill a dream, I would look at it as a chance for me to support her and show my love by saying go for it. I would do so with the knowledge she will come back a happier person versus sad or even resentful if I had said no. I am just suggesting seeing the longer term benefits can help someone get through the short term inconveniences. And the time will go by quickly if the person has a good outlet such as a new hobby or something to distract them. And it is not like he cannot meet her on occasion or talk to her regularly.

All of which I agree with which is why my spouse is currently on the trail. Not all people think like us though!:cool:

Tin Man
03-23-2008, 01:11
All of which I agree with which is why my spouse is currently on the trail. Not all people think like us though!:cool:

Cool. Perhaps others can benefit from this discussion. :cool:

Bob S
03-23-2008, 01:20
A lot of posters seem to be focused on ME, rather then on US! (themselves)

The ME-mentality is not something you should seek in a marriage if you want to either stay married or have a happy marriage.

Being married is about US, not ME.


I was married, now I’m not. I thought the marriage was good (other then a pregnancy 2-year after I got fixed) it was no fun going through a divorce, I was married to a ME person and being out of it for a while and reflecting on it from a distance and reading this thread reinforces my decision to not get married again as it seems there are a lot of ME people out there, too many of them.



I am an avid gun owner and I hunt, my wife hated the idea of me killing animals. I stopped hunting because it bothered her so much. While I liked hunting, I loved my wife. I did not see it as a hard decision as I put us before me.

I did not give up shooting as she liked to go to the gun club to target shoot and we did this every month or so as an activity we both enjoyed.


If you are a ME person don’t have kids as your marriage is in trouble (over 50% of them end in this country) and it will probably come apart at some point.

Tin Man
03-23-2008, 01:25
I think the lady we are talking about wants a little ME time before the WE time kicks in BIG time with having kids in a couple of years. That kind of ME time is good for a relationship. I agree being a ME person all the time does not work in a marriage.

Bob S
03-23-2008, 01:29
My X-Wife is without question a ME person, but she is wonderful with all her kids. But she seems to have constant problems with her present husband. I think your love and nurturing for kids can keep it in check. But it’s a lot harder to do with a mate.

Frosty
03-23-2008, 02:51
Just as an aside here, I've noticed that these kind of threads are mostly from women. We rarely hear a guy saying, 'my spouse won't let me go'. There was one recently, but it was a girlfriend giving an ultamatum, me or the trail. The men's advice to him was overwhelmingly to dump her. I find that very interesting indeed.It's not just that. I firmly believe in equality of people, including gender, but that doesn't mean there aren't fundamental differences. In my limited experience, women seemed more inclined to think things out, and men to act.

When a woman hears, "If you go I will leave you," she analyzes the situation with that concept in mind.

Men think a tad differently. If told by a woman, "If you go I will leave you," he tends to put a lot less faith in talk and more in action. Maybe she'll leave and maybe she will change her mind. Who knows unless you do it?

It's like the old riddle:

Q: Three frogs are sitting on a log. One decides to jump off the log. How many are left?

A: Three are left. Deciding to jump off is not jumping off.

It is one of our strengths and weaknesses as males to pay little attention to talk.

A spouse can say you can't do this or that, but unless she has a gun or you think she will stab you in your sleep, how can she stop you? Not with words. If you stop, you are stopping yourself, and men grasp that. It isn't the talk, but the action. For a man, the wife would have to say why she doesn't want him going, or at least convince him that it is highly likely she will either be gone or will make his life miserable when he returns. But a simple, "You cannot do this" is unlikely to be effective.

I read what you posted about controlling, and it makes me uncomfortable, also. That's why I asked the question I did in Post #2.

But in these situations, I always wonder who is doing the controlling. If the husband said upfront, "If you leave on this trip, I will file for divorce," is he really controlling or warning of the consequences? He has a right to do what he wants as well. It is his right to stay in or exit a relationship as well as the woman.

Could go either way.

Fascinating topics to me.

Sometimes it helps to reverse the genders, change who is saying what, to see what is going on, as we all have our underlying gender biases and behavior we expect for each gender, no matter how hard we try to be impartial.

But overall, your dislike of being told what to do resonates with me.

Frosty
03-23-2008, 02:55
Frosty, nice work. The Prophet has very special meaning to me. I carry it on the trail with me.
Sorry I stood you guys up for the PA Ruck.

:sun:sun:sunYeah, a phone call or email or PM telling us you changed your mind would have been nice.

Heater
03-23-2008, 04:08
At last. A totally unambiguous post. No debate. Just do it.

Well, of course! How else will she get pregenant?

WalkingStick75
03-23-2008, 06:33
Tanya,
I too have always wanted to do a thru but I had to settle for section hikes some of the reasons have been due to my (ex) spouse some due to my job not allowing me to take more then a week or two off at a time but over the years I have finished the trail and my travel time from Michigan was a huge problem too not to mention the kids!

On the plus side I have met a lot of different hikers and the trail has changed a LOT over the years or I should say the trail community has changed a lot. On the Negative side, well I really don't feel their is a negative side, life is what it is. Everything happens for a reason even if we don't know what that reason is. I'm sure things will work out for you.

Enjoy your hike(s)

Wolf - 23000
03-23-2008, 10:24
HI, everybody, just wanna whine a bit. Hiking the AT has been my dream for many years. Since I was an undergrad when I first learned about the trail, (and then graduate) I could not afford hiking the whole thing:money and time constraints. So my friend and I hiked sections of it, all the time dreaming about doing the whole trail.
This summer it finally looked like the right time to do it. Since I now work at a community college, I only have 3.5 months free. So I was going to start in VA around May15 and get to Maine by the end of AUgust. Not quite the whole thing, but close enough. I would have been happy and satisfied with that. And in any case, I was going to finish the rest next summer.

So my heart was set on it. I told my husband about my plans in February; he knew of course about my dream but I guess he never took it seriously enough, so it was a shock for him. He said he did not wish to duscuss it right then and there. I understood it to mean that he just needs to get used to the idea; to process the significance of it. Essentially, I foolishly understood it as a yes. So I was very happy and began looking for deals on equipment.

Today we finally talked. And it turns out that my husband is absolutely against me taking off for 3.5 months (and thru-hikers know that section hiking is not a substitute for a few months of continuous hiking). So we had a long and upleasant conversation, and finally came to the understanding that he does not support me in this. He does not want me to go. I even tried emotional balck-mail - I was desperate, but nothing doing. And of course, I am not going to leave under these circumstances. This is not a week-end trip.

So it looks like no AT for me. I am hugely upset and am crying as we speak. Sorry for such a long rambling message. But this is the only place where I can find sympathy and understanding in this matter.
thank you for listening, guys, you all rock and happy trails to all of you!

OK, I'm going to put this as nicely as I can. What kind of nut ball is he. This is your dream and one that you should go after. If you don't, you are always going to have that regret. If your husband can't support you going after your dreams, well that is his problem. Tell him to deal, pick up your pack and go take a hike.

Wolf

Lilred
03-23-2008, 11:09
3.5 months apart out of 40-60 years of marriage is nothing. 3.5 months pursuing your dream while you can - priceless.





The one thing that came out in the story is that he is Russian. In my limited exposure to Russian males, I found they can be very dominant and controlling. Totally different culture growing up Russian and we do not know how that factors in here. Certainly our American way of thinking is likely to differ from his.





But in these situations, I always wonder who is doing the controlling. If the husband said upfront, "If you leave on this trip, I will file for divorce," is he really controlling or warning of the consequences? He has a right to do what he wants as well. It is his right to stay in or exit a relationship as well as the woman.

Could go either way.

Fascinating topics to me.
But overall, your dislike of being told what to do resonates with me.

It seems to me, the one giving the ultimatum is the one trying to manipulate the other. That's an attempt to control as far as I see.

It is a fascinating topic for me as well. I've lived the most extreme of it.


Tin Man, This says it all. 'While you can' is something to consider. Yes, the trail will always be there, but will we, will our health, our time, our money, our freedom, will all those things 'always be there'? If you don't grab for that brass ring while all the fates are aligned, you could end up missing it. For one human to tell another that, "although everything else has fallen into place, you can't reach out for that brass ring, cause I don't want you to", is to me so very wrong on so very many levels.

Had I known the difference in culture, I wouldn't have been so bold in my advice. Things are a lot different for women in other countries.


It is one of our strengths and weaknesses as males to pay little attention to talk.


I wasn't aware of this, thanks for the insight.

A-Train
03-23-2008, 22:13
I feel for you, but only because I can recognize the need to fulfull a dream. I've been there. Actually, I'm sure we all have.

It's a tough call, I've been thinking about your situation for awhile. Can't really make up my mind one way or the other, since I don't know all the details of your relationship. I'd be nice if he let you go and supported you (emotionally) but I can see him wanting to be with you and not be alone for 3.5 months working, paying bills and being lonely.

Having to pay off loans, making what you are, and (assuming) additional bills, a long hike doesn't seem to me very feasible for you, atleast now. I think you'd have a lot more independence and clout if you could afford to pay your own way and not have him sweat the extra money lost while your gone.

What about working extra and saving and doing it next year? Can't you put off childbirth for another year??

I wish you the very best of luck, seriously.

Pokey2006
03-24-2008, 02:54
Earlier tonight, I was feeling a tad lonely...Now, I'm praising the Lord that I'm a single gal!

However, I did have a significant other when I hiked the trail, and I will say that support meant the world. He and my mother were the only two people on the planet who took me seriously and really thought I could do it. Everyone else scoffed -- my extended family actually had a pool going to see how soon I'd quit! You really don't want to go on a long-distance hike without SOMEONE at home having your back.

Though, have you thought of this: three months on his own might actually be good for your husband. It might force him to carve out something for himself, to make new friends or try a new hobby. The separation could end up making you both healthier people, which in turn would make you a healthier couple.

To find out, it might be wise to take the advice from earlier in the forum, and try 1. a cooling off period before attempting to discuss again more rationally, and 2. counseling, or having a third party help you mediate. Seems like a little quality communication is in order.

Good luck with both the marriage and the hiking!

rafe
03-24-2008, 08:58
But overall, your dislike of being told what to do resonates with me.

I do planning a hike with you, Frosty... that was canceled at the last moment. ;) My wife's fine with short absences. Beyond a week or two requires special pleading.

musicwoman
03-24-2008, 10:54
Marriage is all about compromise. There must be SOME middle ground on this subject that you BOTH can reach. It sounds like he has some legitimate issues regarding you doing 3 1/2 months, especially financial ones. While we must all follow our dreams, I personally believe there is a time and place to do so. I know many here may disagree with that, but if we have responsibilities to others that we willingly take on (ie job, kids, marriage), then those must be met first IMO.

Tell him why you feel you want to do this, ask him to specify his objections to the plan. Sounds like this is a fantastic lesson in learning how to make a marriage work if you both can approach it the correct way.

This is a BIG thing. To be gone for 3 1/2 months is alot to ask of a spouse. Yes, he should support your dreams, but sounds like this dream is a tad unreasonable at this point and time in your lives. You chose to walk down the aisle, and as such, you need to remember that the decisions you make in life effects your spouse, whether you want it to or not.

I know I am going to get slammed for this opinion, so for the record, I was married to a control freak for 20 years, and finally unloaded him a year ago. I would love take 3 1/2 months off to hike, but I have other obligations at this time (kids, job), so my compromise is to section on my time off.

RadioFreq
03-24-2008, 14:44
Tanya just started a new thread:

http://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/showthread.php?t=34792&highlight=tanya

BlueFireGasm
03-24-2008, 17:47
You're always so sweet Bo-Gasm-Yaghey;) I miss you!! Yes Tanya, speak and you will be heard;) I sympathize with you and hope you fulfill your dream. There's only one life here (depending on your beliefs, of course), make it count! If he can't understand you and inspire you to live your dream, what's the point???? That's right! There isn't one! Thank you.
Lots of love and luck Sister! Do what's right for you;)