View Full Version : Getting Spousal Buy-In
Monkeywrench
06-05-2008, 19:54
My wife has always known that an AT thru-hike is one of my life goals, but it was always something away in the future. I've mentioned it a couple times this year but she never really took it too seriously. Tonight I told her that I want to do it starting next spring. Wow. She's trying really hard to be positive, but I can see on her face that she's not feeling it. I sure do hope with a bit of time to get used to the idea that she will come around to feeling really on board with the idea. It's an awful lot to ask.
Appalachian Tater
06-05-2008, 20:01
Have you considered asking her to go with you?
Odd Thomas
06-05-2008, 20:07
My wife has always known that an AT thru-hike is one of my life goals, but it was always something away in the future. I've mentioned it a couple times this year but she never really took it too seriously. Tonight I told her that I want to do it starting next spring. Wow. She's trying really hard to be positive, but I can see on her face that she's not feeling it. I sure do hope with a bit of time to get used to the idea that she will come around to feeling really on board with the idea. It's an awful lot to ask.
You told her and she's feigning support, did you ask her? I've made tragic mistakes on this small point unintentionally in my life.
Monkeywrench
06-05-2008, 20:11
You told her and she's feigning support, did you ask her? I've made tragic mistakes on this small point unintentionally in my life.
I mis-spoke a bit. I told her I wanted to do it, and I asked her what she thought. She asked me if I had already decided. I said that I had decided I wanted to do it, but I had not yet decided that I would do it, and I told her that I couldn't do it without her behind me.
Appalachian Tater
06-05-2008, 20:16
On my thru I hiked a good bit with a guy who missed his wife a lot and vice versa. He was from the Boston area, too. He called her daily on his cell, discretely, and she would come and meet him when she wasn't working. He always seemed to enjoy their time together. She was glad when he finished, however.
What did she say when you told her that?
StarLyte
06-05-2008, 20:19
Make her feel like she is the most important part of this hike.
Get her involved in it. She can do a number of things, and the both of you will be happy...
First of all, try and get her to meet you at least once monthly to hike on a weekend, maybe a 3 day weekend. If you think she'll slow you down, have her meet you at areas where there might be gentle climbs, and interesting scenery. Tell her how quiet it is, and to listen for certain noises. DON'T TELL HER she might encounter a bear OR a mouse.
Get her involved on gear planning. Nope, I don't mean take her to the outfitter and say "honey...help me find this..." --you take her along to the outfitter and ask her what color, how does this look, would she use it...even go as far as acting as if you might not know what you're doing :rolleyes:
Mail drops. She might love this. Have her help you shop for your necessities and prepare those mail drops. Have her write the post office addresses on the labels. She will be more secure knowing where you might be at a certain time. Keeping in mind that you won't need mail drops completely up the Trail, but she'll think she's taking care of you. Tell her the importance of switching gear once you get out of the Smokies.
More importantly, have her buy you phone cards and/or means of communication with her. She'll like that :D Commit to phone and email her.
Ask her to transcribe for you. That's fun. When she is typing your words, she will feel your hike. Eventually, it will change her. Use emotional words...some guys can't, but try a little here and there. Use moods.
She might feel a little insecure with you being out there with single ladies. She might become a little nervous at the thought of you not being at home with her. If she is used to getting a lot of your attention, then you will have to give her a lot of attention while you're hiking, but you will be able to slack off a little after a while.
Remember, you care about her, AND this is your hike. You can have both, but if she's not real understanding, you have to work at this to keep your relationship. The Trail will be there.
In any event, I would not put off the hike. This is your dream. If she loves you, she will adjust and be there for you. It will be hard for her in the beginning, but she will admire you and your passion for hiking.
Make her your queen while you're gone - she'll love you even more. Tell her how important she is. You might not be able to express your full feelings for it all. You may need other family support that understands. This will gradually change.
Have fun and get your butt out there.
Monkeywrench
06-05-2008, 20:19
Have you considered asking her to go with you?
She isn't that much of a backpacker. We do lots of things together. We run marathons together. We bike tour together. And she very occasionally spends a weekend backpacking with me. But only occasionally, and only because I want to do it.
We have also talked about cycling across the country someday, and that is a trip we would do together. I thought of proposing we make that trip next year because it would include both of us, but doing so wouldn't scratch my thru-hike itch, and for reasons I'm not sure I have a good handle on yet it feels like this is the time I need to do the hike partly because it is something that belongs to me and not to us. For the last year or so my life has felt stuck, and I hink I need to do something to shake it loose.
Appalachian Tater
06-05-2008, 20:27
She isn't that much of a backpacker. We do lots of things together. We run marathons together. We bike tour together. And she very occasionally spends a weekend backpacking with me. But only occasionally, and only because I want to do it.
We have also talked about cycling across the country someday, and that is a trip we would do together. I thought of proposing we make that trip next year because it would include both of us, but doing so wouldn't scratch my thru-hike itch, and for reasons I'm not sure I have a good handle on yet it feels like this is the time I need to do the hike partly because it is something that belongs to me and not to us. For the last year or so my life has felt stuck, and I hink I need to do something to shake it loose.Tread carefully. You might shake loose things you don't want loose. Consider talking to your wife about it in these terms, it's obviously not just about walking. She probably realized that before you did.
The cycling trip with her sounds like a good idea. If you still wanted to thru-hike alone, you could. And it might scratch the itch, you don't know for sure.
I was granted a four-week sabbatical in Sept. 2005 -- but with the stipulation that it couldn't be used before Jan. 2007. From the word go, I knew what I wanted to do with that time: tack on a couple weeks vacation and finish the *&^%$ AT. The end was in sight.
There were some serious discussions with the wife. After a few of these, she conceded to the inevitability of the plan. By the time the hike was on (August '07) she was very much on board. She knows about my AT disease... I've been jabbering about it with her since the day we met.
Still... "four or five months" would be out of the question. Not gonna happen.
hopefulhiker
06-05-2008, 21:05
My wife was extremely supportive. At first she did not believe I was really going to do it.. Then she saw me spend hours weighing gear, researching and developing a sample itenarary,and trying to build alcohol stoves in the garage..
Once she realized I was really serious she ordered a dehydrator and a couple of books and began dehydrating food a few months in advance. She went over the data books with me and agreed to transcribe the trail journals.. It was her choice.. but honestly now that I talk about doing it again on the PCT she is balking, not that it wont happen some day, I just have to get some loose ends tied up.
take-a-knee
06-05-2008, 22:21
Tell her its either the AT or Iraq.
Having a wife support you 100% is sometimes a hard thing to do. If they are not in tune to backpacking and long distance hiking they may not understand your desire to thru-hike.
When I decided to thru, and told my wife of my plans, she did not think I would go thru with it. My first attempt brought me back home after three weeks on the trail. I had a bad shin splint and at 65 years old was having a bad time. I regrouped, got well and started again the next spring. I think she thought I'd be home again in a few weeks. I would call home, when ever I could get to a phone only to hear of the hardships she was faceing. She was soon convinced by our friends and my daughters that what I was doing needed her support.
After a few months and seeing that I was going to stay out hiking she got behind my hike 100%.
I have talked to a lot of folks who wish that they could do a thru but don't because of not having the support of their spouse. My advise would be, if you have the deep desire to thru-hike do so. Don't spend the rest of your life regretting that you didn't.
My wife has always known that an AT thru-hike is one of my life goals, but it was always something away in the future. I've mentioned it a couple times this year but she never really took it too seriously. Tonight I told her that I want to do it starting next spring. Wow. She's trying really hard to be positive, but I can see on her face that she's not feeling it. I sure do hope with a bit of time to get used to the idea that she will come around to feeling really on board with the idea. It's an awful lot to ask.
this makes me realize how blessed i am. if i told general i had to go, the only comment i'd get would be, "when are we leaving?" well, i might also get, "my pack's already ready, where's your's?"
i really hope you can get her behind you because you'll need the support and the help, but as a woman, i'd advise not shoving it down her throat or trying too hard to convince her. i'd say she has to be willing to do it because she really wants to help you, not because she feels like she has to. we really don't like that. give her time, like you said, but don't hide it from her. get some books and leave them on the coffee table. let her make her own impression of it, she'll be more comfortable then most likely.
Tread carefully. You might shake loose things you don't want loose.
that is so true, tater. that's a great blunt way to put it. well said.
This is an issue I've been grappling with. I'm not married, so I guess it's not quite the same, but I've been with my significant other for over 2 years and we live together, so it may be inevitable one day. He understands and pretty well supports my running disease, but I don't think he grasps the intensity at which I want to thru-hike the AT. It's been something I've thought about for years, but only started talking about in the last few months. Obviously there are logistical matters to consider, like taking time off work and how to pay off student loans and such while I'm gone, but above all this is something I really want to do, just like wanting to run a marathon (which I am doing this October).
I figure I'll try to do some short day/weekend hikes this year and get him warmed up to the idea, and then maybe do longer section hikes next year (after I save up more vacation time). I'd like to make a go of a SOBO thru-hike in 2010.
Any books you might recommend to leave on the coffee table? :)
Any books you might recommend to leave on the coffee table? :)
Jan Liteshoe's "The Ordinary Adventurer (http://www.funfreedom.com/)."
Monkeywrench
06-09-2008, 13:36
I'll second terrapin's recommendation of Jan Liteshoe's "The Ordinary Adventurer (http://www.funfreedom.com/)." It's a great book that gets to the heart of why someone might want to do a long hike, without getting bogged down in too much of the boring nitty-gritty that fills a hiking day. I guess that's the long way of saying she writes about the inner hike as much as the external hike.
BTW Athena, what marathon are you doing this year? I ran my first last year and am planning for one or two more before I hit the trail next spring.
I am running the Marine Corps Marathon on October 26th. :)
This is a tough one for all involved. My husband knows how much I want to do this and he says he supports me, but I know he isn't thrilled about it. Because we live in Texas, he can't just meet me regularly on the trail. We'll be lucky to meet once! I know hikers who had support and hikers who didn't. Some with support made it and some didn't and some who had no support made it and some didn't. But some ended up not married when it was all over...
drastic_quench
06-09-2008, 19:49
Obviously there are logistical matters to consider, like taking time off work and how to pay off student loans and such while I'm gone, but above all this is something I really want to do, just like wanting to run a marathon (which I am doing this October).
Aside from paying student loans as you normally would, you may have two other options. You might already know this, but it was a simple copy and paste for me:
Deferment: A deferment is a period of time during which your lender temporarily suspends your regular payments. If your loans were made on or after July 1, 1993, you may be eligible for the following deferments:
• At least half-time enrollment at an eligible school
• Graduate fellowship program
• Rehabilitation training program • Military service • Unemployment • Economic hardship Refer to your promissory note for specific deferment provisions. Additional deferment provisions are available for loans made before July 1, 1993. Who Pays the Interest during Deferments? • Subsidized Stafford Loan: Federal Government • Unsubsidized Stafford Loan: You • Supplemental Loan for Students: You For more information on deferments, contact your lender or visit Mapping Your Future's Deferment Navigator. The date on which you first received your oldest outstanding student loan determines your eligibility for deferments. To request a deferment: • contact your lending institution, • submit the required documentation for the deferment, and • continue making payments on your account while waiting for notification of approval. Forbearance: If you are unable to make your scheduled payments, but do not meet the criteria to qualify for a deferment, the lender/holder may allow you to: • reduce the amount of your payment or • temporarily stop making payments. This action is called forbearance. You must contact your lender/holder to request forbearance. Most forbearance is discretionary - it is completely up to your loan holder to grant one. Your lender/holder may grant forbearance under the following conditions: • If you are experiencing personal problems (such as poor health or economic hardship); • If you are affected by circumstances such as a local or national emergency, military mobilization, or natural disaster; • If you have exhausted your eligibility for an internship deferment; • If you are serving in a position that may qualify you for loan forgiveness, partial repayment of your loan, or a national service educational award. Under certain provisions, loan holders are required to grant forbearance. Remember: No matter what type of loan you have, you are responsible for the interest that accrues during forbearance. You may choose to pay the interest as it accrues or allow it to capitalize. Unpaid accrued interest is added to the principal balance of the loan and increases the total outstanding debt and can increase your monthly payment.
Blissful
06-09-2008, 21:17
My hubby was deadset against it at first even though this was a 30 year dream of mine. I let it lie for a time. Then we decided to do part of the trail together in VA. When he met the hikers and experienced the trail culture, he was 110% on board and agreed to let me son and I do the rest of it last year. He also did some of trail with us as well in GA and NY-MA and met us at different locations in VA.
But some ended up not married when it was all over...
I don't know this for sure but I'm guessing that it might have been close to being over before the hike began.
Panzer
A thru-hike is a selfish thing for a married person to do. Any thru-hike is going to be tough on a marriage. Its like being legally separated for 6 months.
Marriage is about being together, maybe not together for every minute of the day but certainly not being apart for 6 months.
Panzer
A thru-hike is a selfish thing for a married person to do. Any thru-hike is going to be tough on a marriage. Its like being legally separated for 6 months.
Marriage is about being together, maybe not together for every minute of the day but certainly not being apart for 6 months.
Panzer
Agreed, but I had this evil, bizarre thought. If my wife and I should ever retire, and if I'm still fit enough to hike... I wonder if we'll have more than enough of each other's company at that point -- and be better prepared for an extended absence. :-? I know I'm pretty much "grounded" for another few years. Last year's 6-week absence ate up all sorts of capital. (She's being a good sport letting me do the PCT for a week or so this summer.)
Agreed, but I had this evil, bizarre thought. If my wife and I should ever retire, and if I'm still fit enough to hike... I wonder if we'll have more than enough of each other's company at that point -- and be better prepared for an extended absence.
Yes, I agree, thruing during retirement is a different issue that thruing during your working career.
And yes, waiting for retirement to attempt a thru is a gamble. You might not be fit enough by then.
Panzer
The Weasel
06-09-2008, 23:55
Just as you want her to see it from your perspective, you need to make sure you understand where she is coming from: A thru hike may be a life goal for you, but for her it's not, and it involves a 7 month separation from her, leaving her without your emotional and physical support in your marriage. From her perspective, you're going for a 'Walk in the Woods' because you want to; she'll be responsible for work, all the bills, handing the house, taking care of family responsibilities, everything, without your help. That's a huge sacrifice, and perhaps she doesn't want it. Even more, perhaps she is unwilling to spend over half of a year without her life partner in it. While a lot of us here make it sound like it was, "Honey, I'm going off to hike the AT. I'll see you in September," it is a major life decision, and you need to realize that, important though it may be, she may be more important and you may not have the ability to have both her and a thru hike. Once you accept that as a real outcome, you can discuss it with her; let her know that she has as much right to say, "No," as you have to say "I want to."
TW
Monkeywrench
06-10-2008, 09:06
...it is a major life decision, and you need to realize that, important though it may be, she may be more important and you may not have the ability to have both her and a thru hike. Once you accept that as a real outcome, you can discuss it with her; let her know that she has as much right to say, "No," as you have to say "I want to."
TW
The exact words I used were "Nothing is more important than my marriage to you. I hope I can have both my hike and our marriage, but if I have to choose between the two I will choose our marriage. You CAN say no."
Monkeywrench
06-10-2008, 09:09
I am running the Marine Corps Marathon on October 26th. :)
I ran Marine Corps last October. 4:04:57. Hit the wall big time right around mile 23, came totally unglued physically, mentally, and emotionally, and missed my goal of breaking 4 hours. I'll be trying again this October, probably in Hartford. And if I don't make it in Hartford, there's always Myrtle Beach in February.
I ran Marine Corps last October. 4:04:57. Hit the wall big time right around mile 23, came totally unglued physically, mentally, and emotionally...
Well hey golly -- that's something I'd look forward to doing again... ASAP, and as often as possible. :rolleyes: ;) :D
Monkeywrench
06-10-2008, 09:34
Well hey golly -- that's something I'd look forward to doing again... ASAP, and as often as possible. :rolleyes: ;) :D
Yeah well, umm... You know... umm...
I do remember having this argument with myself at the time about how this was a totally voluntary activity and I could just, you know, quit, any time I wanted to. But there's this perverse part of my psyche that makes me want to finish what I start. It's kind of like hiking; there are plenty of moments that aren't exactly what you'd call fun, but all in all it's a very satisfying pursuit.
Lone Wolf
06-10-2008, 09:36
Yeah well, umm... You know... umm...
I do remember having this argument with myself at the time about how this was a totally voluntary activity and I could just, you know, quit, any time I wanted to. But there's this perverse part of my psyche that makes me want to finish what I start. It's kind of like hiking; there are plenty of moments that aren't exactly what you'd call fun, but all in all it's a very satisfying pursuit.
...........
Lone Wolf
06-10-2008, 09:36
Yeah well, umm... You know... umm...
I do remember having this argument with myself at the time about how this was a totally voluntary activity and I could just, you know, quit, any time I wanted to. But there's this perverse part of my psyche that makes me want to finish what I start. It's kind of like hiking; there are plenty of moments that aren't exactly what you'd call fun, but all in all it's a very satisfying pursuit.
try this for a real challenge http://eco-xsports.com/mmtr.php
Tipi Walter
06-10-2008, 09:43
Tell her its either the AT or Iraq.
Ah, a breath of fresh air. My sentiments, too. Whatever happened to the days when a man forged a trail into wilderness and "his woman" followed close behind? In those days a couple stayed together to survive. Simple as that.
Nowadays people don't need each other to survive, a man and a woman can work separately and get food and shelter and warmth w/o depending on the other. In my dad's generation(born 1921), wherever he decided to go my mom followed along. Women today do not need to follow along, and this has caused all sorts of discord and endless bickering back and forth.
If a man decides to live outdoors permanently, whether on a long trail or in a primitive log cabin or even a tipi, he'll find out real quick whether his wife/girlfriend loves him for his sake or loves the citified, electrified life. I'd say doing a short stint on the AT with a disapproving wife is fairly easy, but try stretching that out for twenty years and see what happens. Forget about finding a woman who wants to have kids and raise them in a tipi and off the grid. And yet, this is exactly what couples did for most of the last 50,000 years. What's happened?
When someone hears the call of the wild and wants to spend a life outdoors, here's my recommendations:
Never get legally tied to another person(marriage). Have a nice ceremony if you want, but don't get locked into a legal contract.
Never have kids. Having kids is the single biggest reason people stay indoors and in debt and out of the woods.
Try to study and understand loneliness and what it means.
Have a series of serial girlfriends/boyfriends and leave it at that.
trailmomma4
06-10-2008, 09:57
My problem is that I would love that kind of life, Tipi, but my hubby (a very good fisherman, hunter and gardener) could not live without air-conditioning, indoor plumbing and electricity for more that a couple of days. He claims to love the outdoors, but could never live in it. My son and I are planning our thru-hike for late March 2009 and I figure I will be divorced long before I reach Maine. And it is like Panzer1 said- it has been going bad for a while now. Most likely it will not survive even if I don't go on this hike (a dream of ours for several long years now). There is a good chance that I will not be married before I even start on the hike.:(
Monkeywrench
06-10-2008, 10:16
try this for a real challenge http://eco-xsports.com/mmtr.php
No thanks. There are limits to my insanity. I am running the 19 mile "Half" Marathon trail run at Jay Peak at the end of July. That should satisfy my inner masochist for a while.
Deferment: A deferment is a period of time during which your lender temporarily suspends your regular payments. If your loans were made on or after July 1, 1993, you may be eligible for the following deferments:
• At least half-time enrollment at an eligible school
• Graduate fellowship program
• Rehabilitation training program • Military service • Unemployment • Economic hardship Refer to your promissory note for specific deferment provisions. Additional deferment provisions are available for loans made before July 1, 1993. Who Pays the Interest during Deferments? • Subsidized Stafford Loan: Federal Government • Unsubsidized Stafford Loan: You • Supplemental Loan for Students: You For more information on deferments, contact your lender or visit Mapping Your Future's Deferment Navigator. The date on which you first received your oldest outstanding student loan determines your eligibility for deferments. To request a deferment: • contact your lending institution, • submit the required documentation for the deferment, and • continue making payments on your account while waiting for notification of approval. Forbearance: If you are unable to make your scheduled payments, but do not meet the criteria to qualify for a deferment, the lender/holder may allow you to: • reduce the amount of your payment or • temporarily stop making payments. This action is called forbearance. You must contact your lender/holder to request forbearance. Most forbearance is discretionary - it is completely up to your loan holder to grant one. Your lender/holder may grant forbearance under the following conditions: • If you are experiencing personal problems (such as poor health or economic hardship); • If you are affected by circumstances such as a local or national emergency, military mobilization, or natural disaster; • If you have exhausted your eligibility for an internship deferment; • If you are serving in a position that may qualify you for loan forgiveness, partial repayment of your loan, or a national service educational award. Under certain provisions, loan holders are required to grant forbearance. Remember: No matter what type of loan you have, you are responsible for the interest that accrues during forbearance. You may choose to pay the interest as it accrues or allow it to capitalize. Unpaid accrued interest is added to the principal balance of the loan and increases the total outstanding debt and can increase your monthly payment.
I've been deferring my payments while in school, but I graduate next month with my MBA. Also, it accrues interest in deferment so that's not the best option either. I don't want to come back and have hundreds of dollars tacked on to my balance like I already do now.
What would I claim for that? It's not a hardship to take 6 months off and hike the A.T.... hehe :)
Appalachian Tater
06-10-2008, 17:15
My problem is that I would love that kind of life, Tipi, but my hubby (a very good fisherman, hunter and gardener) could not live without air-conditioning, indoor plumbing and electricity for more that a couple of days. He claims to love the outdoors, but could never live in it. My son and I are planning our thru-hike for late March 2009 and I figure I will be divorced long before I reach Maine. And it is like Panzer1 said- it has been going bad for a while now. Most likely it will not survive even if I don't go on this hike (a dream of ours for several long years now). There is a good chance that I will not be married before I even start on the hike.:(Sorry to hear about all of that. A thru-hike is a good time for clearing out your mind. Try to work out a resolution before you leave so you can heal, either way. Good luck.
A thru-hike is a selfish thing for a married person to do. Any thru-hike is going to be tough on a marriage. Its like being legally separated for 6 months.
Marriage is about being together, maybe not together for every minute of the day but certainly not being apart for 6 months.
Panzer
So call me selfish... after being married as long as we have, I think we can survive being apart for 6 months. We still love each other, but I am much more active than he is. He knows this is a dream I need to fulfil before I am not able. We are both retired, but I worked part time this year to put away money for my hike. Our few bills are set up to be paid electronically. We will be connected by phone often. Not really different than when a spouse has to travel for business or military.
The Weasel
06-10-2008, 21:10
Af---
I know what you said, but keep in mind that by putting the two choices - marriage and doing the AT - in the same breath, it sounds as if they are near equals to you. That's probably not the case, I know, but even that can sound very threatening. One of things you might do is start discussing with her how the practicalities get handled. But keep in mind that what sounds like 7 months of excitement to you can sound like 7 months of solitude, loneliness, and struggle to her. Some spouses can accept that; it is harder for others. Once you can see some of these things through her eyes, perhaps you will see ways to bridge the gap about them.
TW
bigcranky
06-10-2008, 21:38
Af---
But keep in mind that what sounds like 7 months of excitement to you can sound like 7 months of solitude, loneliness, and struggle to her.
And that's exactly the issue. Life-long goal or not, the hiker gets a 6-month vacation, and the spouse gets to stay at home and work. Twice as hard. It's exactly why I will never do a thru-hike -- it's difficult enough to get a week at a time, but that'll have to do. With any luck I can still knock out the whole trail before I'm dead. (Please note that my spouse is a hiker, just maybe not as obsessed as I am.)
(And, yes, I remember the thread on whether a thru-hike is a "vacation" or "work." Trust me on this -- it's a vacation, no matter how physically difficult.)
Those of you who are lucky enough to get full support from home have my admiration. Seriously.
Monkeywrench
06-11-2008, 09:14
Af---
I know what you said, but keep in mind that by putting the two choices - marriage and doing the AT - in the same breath, it sounds as if they are near equals to you. That's probably not the case, I know, but even that can sound very threatening. One of things you might do is start discussing with her how the practicalities get handled. But keep in mind that what sounds like 7 months of excitement to you can sound like 7 months of solitude, loneliness, and struggle to her. Some spouses can accept that; it is harder for others. Once you can see some of these things through her eyes, perhaps you will see ways to bridge the gap about them.
TW
Thanks for your words. I read carefully what people are saying here and try to take the words to heart, and I think they have helped me communicate more clearly with my wife.
We haven't discussed a lot of the details yet. I really do think that my wife and I communicate very well though. We'll be leaving on this summer's bike tour in a couple of weeks -- okay, in exactly 17 days, not that I'm counting or anything -- and we'll have plenty of unrushed time to discuss the ins and outs during the trip without the distractions of work and such.
My wife isn't your typical -- if such a thing exists -- wife and mother type. She's very independent, having been single and self-sufficient until the age of 47 when we married. She runs her own business. She's bicycled all over the world (we met on a bike tour of Britain back in 2000). She understands the urge to pursue dreams. I expect that she'll be off on a bike tour that I am going to be jealous of missing sometime during my hike.
There is obviously a financial impact as I'll likely be out of work for a good 9 months or so, but we are in a position where we can absorb that. We have no debts; no mortgage, no car payments, no loans of any kind. My daughter is grown and off on her own. We live in a condo so there is no yard work, no gutters to clean, no leaky roofs to deal with. Heck, we even splurge and pay someone to come in and clean for us once a week.
The issue for us really boils down to us being separated for 6 months or so. If I do get to go I will be one of those annoying hikers with a cell phone in his pack, as she has already said she would want me to call as many days as possible. I do promise all my fellow hikers that I will be as discrete as possible with the phone. My goal would be that nobody will ever even know I have it.
So at the end of the day she will need to decide whether she is up to me being gone that long or not. The flip side of that is that my greatest fear is that I will be so miserable without her with me that I'll quit and go home.
Chance09
06-11-2008, 12:04
Heck, we even splurge and pay someone to come in and clean for us once a week.
Who's going to be there getting it dirty if no ones there?:-?
You should get her a little tow along trailer for her bike and let her bike to your road crossings to resupply you.
Monkeywrench
06-11-2008, 13:37
You should get her a little tow along trailer for her bike and let her bike to your road crossings to resupply you.
Don't need no stinkin' trailer, we have panniers! :D
Here's my wife with her road touring bike in Vermont back in 2004: http://www.allenf.com/images/Vermont2004/Montpelier.jpg
And here's the two of us with our ATBs in Tanzania in 2006:
http://www.allenf.com/gallery2/main.php?g2_view=core.DownloadItem&g2_itemId=1292&g2_serialNumber=2
Footslogger
06-11-2008, 13:45
if you have the deep desire to thru-hike do so. Don't spend the rest of your life regretting that you didn't.
=================================
Sage advice !!
'Slogger
Tipi Walter
06-11-2008, 16:58
Don't need no stinkin' trailer, we have panniers! :D
Here's my wife with her road touring bike in Vermont back in 2004: http://www.allenf.com/images/Vermont2004/Montpelier.jpg
And here's the two of us with our ATBs in Tanzania in 2006:
http://www.allenf.com/gallery2/main.php?g2_view=core.DownloadItem&g2_itemId=1292&g2_serialNumber=2
Ah, Arkel panniers, Tubus rack? Gotta love the setup. Could you have kept the tourers in Tanzania??
Chance09
06-11-2008, 19:08
those are some serious packs for a bike
Monkeywrench
06-11-2008, 20:58
Ah, Arkel panniers, Tubus rack? Gotta love the setup. Could you have kept the tourers in Tanzania??
Yes my wife has a set of Arkel panniers on her bike. I have a set of Jandds I bought back in 1996. I am actually not sure what brand of rack she has.
Re the tourers, are you asking if we could have used the touring bikes in Tanzania rather than the mountain bikes? The answer is not without lots of difficulty. The road in that photo was quite good but many of the roads we were on had lots of very loose sand, others were very rocky, and some places we were actually traveling on bush paths and not roads at all. Lots more pictures here:
http://www.allenf.com/gallery2/main.php/v/Cycling/Tanzania2006/
flemdawg1
06-12-2008, 15:18
... I am actually not sure what brand of rack she has.
<snicker>;)
Monkeywrench
06-13-2008, 10:32
I just learned that my ex-brother-in-law (my ex-wife's brother), who is 5 or 6 years older than me, is lying in the ICU with heeding and breathing tubes undergoing IV chemo treatments in a desperate attempt to save him from a rare form of leukemia. Two weeks ago he wasn't even sick.
This just reinforces my desire to follow through on my thru-hiking dream. One simply never knows what could happen, and I don't want to miss my chance.
Color me selfish...
Monkeywrench
06-13-2008, 10:35
<snicker>;)
Hey flemdawg1, that's my wife you're snickering about! :mad:
Blissful
06-13-2008, 14:27
I just learned that my ex-brother-in-law (my ex-wife's brother), who is 5 or 6 years older than me, is lying in the ICU with heeding and breathing tubes undergoing IV chemo treatments in a desperate attempt to save him from a rare form of leukemia. Two weeks ago he wasn't even sick.
This just reinforces my desire to follow through on my thru-hiking dream. One simply never knows what could happen, and I don't want to miss my chance.
Color me selfish...
Sorry to hear this. That happened to my mil's best friend. She had leukemia and died a few weeks later. It was a shock.
My hubby and I are going to see both our parents in July in NY. We try to see them all we can now as they are in their 70s.
Make the most of your time each day. You never know what the future holds or even what tomorrow holds.
Monkeywrench
06-16-2008, 10:18
So my wife and I talked about my thru-hike plans some more while we were out to dinner on Friday night. The long and the short of it is that she told me if I wanted to do this she did not want to stand in my way. Not exactly the positive response I was hoping for, but perhaps all I should reasonably expect. She claims she is not angry, and I believe she is trying not to be, but her body language says otherwise.
Well, it's a long time from now until next March. I will continue to plan and hope she warms to the idea more as time passes. There are lots of things that could happen between now and then to put my thru-hike on hold, so I'll take it as it comes.
deeddawg
06-17-2008, 09:38
She claims she is not angry, and I believe she is trying not to be, but her body language says otherwise.
Coming into this late, but this comment stuck out. Sorry if someone else has commented on this.
Sounds like she's feeling some level of rejection; you're telling her you want to leave her, even if temporarily. I can't help but think she must be feeling like she's playing second fiddle to your desire to thru hike. Rather than hope she warms to the idea, I'd try to find ways to counter those feelings and get to where she's supporting your dream instead of feeling threatened by it.
my wife almost floored me last night. We are dealing with the immenent death of her mother. in the middle of that, she was on the phone talking with a high school kid who just returned from a church trip to Colorado. The kid told my wife that a few kids got dehydrated and some altitude sickness and had to see a doctor. After she hung up with the kid, she looked at me and said "should you be concerned with altitude issues WHEN you hike on the AT?". WHAT! Other than the last 3 years reading about 40 books from thru-hikers, reading backpacking books and such, I'd never mentioned it! Best hope would be in 10 years, after early retirement. Totally floored me.
But I did spend a few minutes and throw out the altitude of Clingman's, Mt. Washington.......
I guess she "reads me like a book".....
Monkeywrench
06-17-2008, 11:31
She claims she is not angry, and I believe she is trying not to be, but her body language says otherwise.
Coming into this late, but this comment stuck out. Sorry if someone else has commented on this.
Sounds like she's feeling some level of rejection; you're telling her you want to leave her, even if temporarily. I can't help but think she must be feeling like she's playing second fiddle to your desire to thru hike. Rather than hope she warms to the idea, I'd try to find ways to counter those feelings and get to where she's supporting your dream instead of feeling threatened by it.
We talked more yesterday and it is more like trepidation than anger on her part. She is worried what it will be like for me not to be home for 6 months or so. Heck, I have the same worries about being away from her for so long, and I told her so.
We talked more yesterday and it is more like trepidation than anger on her part. She is worried what it will be like for me not to be home for 6 months or so. Heck, I have the same worries about being away from her for so long, and I told her so.
It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Plan to come home for a few days or a week, every five or six weeks. Sure, it adds to the expense and complicates matters. Or... you know, section hike. :rolleyes: It's not worth busting up a marriage over.
Monkeywrench
06-17-2008, 14:05
It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Plan to come home for a few days or a week, every five or six weeks. Sure, it adds to the expense and complicates matters the hike. Or... you know, section hike. :rolleyes: It's not worth busting up a marriage over.
Don't worry terrapin, I'm not going to risk my marriage over this. I know when I've got a good thing going. After 20 years married to the WRONG woman, I recognize quite well that I am now married to the RIGHT woman, and have no intention of screwing that up.
BTW I think we are almost neighbors. Aren't you in the Boston area as well?
Don't worry terrapin, I'm not going to risk my marriage over this. I know when I've got a good thing going. After 20 years married to the WRONG woman, I recognize quite well that I am now married to the RIGHT woman, and have no intention of screwing that up.
BTW I think we are almost neighbors. Aren't you in the Boston area as well?
Bedford. Work in Waltham.
Home Fires
06-24-2008, 11:11
This is an issue I've been thinking about a lot lately. It's been DH's lifelong dream to thru-hike, and the plan now is to do so with our oldest two while they're in college, which won't be until 2013. Long-range planning. I don't know if he ever really thought he'd have an opportunity to do so, though, so 5 years sounds good to him. lol
It is a lot to ask, to be sure. In addition to the absence itself, it's 6 months of lost income -- and his is certainly the higher of our two -- plus the added expenses of being on the trail. It's time away from our youngest child, who'll be in high school and home with me. The oldest two children have a stronger bond with each other than either does with the youngest, so I worry that this will only widen that gap. I have no qualms about handling everything from home while he's gone, but I worry that getting so used to doing everything alone does not bode well for the return.
However, in 18 years I've never stopped him from camping/hiking and he's always accepted that I ain't going. lol It's his dream and I'm in a position to help make it happen so I will. But yes, the issues of such a long separation do weigh heavily on me.
Bare Bear
07-08-2008, 19:48
Yet another blessing of being single. No mate should/would ever hold their partner back. If Thruing the AT is in your heart then do it.
Back in 2000, Katie was my biggest fan and most enthusiastic supporter. While I was gone the air conditioner went out, a hot water heater flooded the laundry, she had a run in with "a huge" snake while cutting grass, a "check engine light" came on, and quite a few other various mini emergencies I would have normally taken care of.
Needless to say, after three or four months, the day in, day out work involved in keeping a household for two going took much out of her "AT Experience."
Early on in your planning stage, make a list of who to call for help; plumbers, mechanics, AC guy, snake removers, etc. Make special note of what she thinks might come up and make plans for it.
And for goodness sakes, make sure they're older, really ugly fat married guys with bad teeth. :)
To make it a little less selfish I've put a couple of airline tickets on my next hike list. (That was immediately after buying a handgun was mentioned.)
BlindMoose
07-13-2008, 13:01
If you havn't already - go see "The bucket list" together and ask her what hers would be. Not to sound cold - but I htink too often society says 'cater to the woman, make her the queen, give her whatever she wants so she knows you love her." Thats ok, but a relationship goes both ways. If it is your 'dream' as it is mine, she could show you she loves you by letting . . . no encouraging you to go after that dream.
I am planning on starting around Maer 1 and my 'friend' asked me why I have to wait until then and do i need her to put $ in my account each month. Thats really nice, but honestly even w/o her support I am going. Is my dream so insignificant to me that i would continue to defer it and hope that 'someday' it might happen?
You deserve to chase your dream as she does hers.
One man's opinion.
hoyawolf
08-19-2008, 14:03
i noted the above suggestion about iraq/afghanistan. four to six months is nothing compared to 15.
the good thing about a military career is that when i retire in nine years my wife will be so used to my being gone that it will not be a big deal when i do my continuous thru-hike.
when i was in graduate school i was at home for the whole year - by the end she was begging me to take week long trips!
NICKTHEGREEK
08-19-2008, 14:46
I had a guy who lived across the street who always wanted to sail singlehanded around Cape Horn. His wife said go, we should all live our dreams. Turns out her dream was the guy 2 blocks over. Make sure you are both on the same page
Awol2003
08-19-2008, 15:19
I'm married and did a solo thru-hike. Gauging her level of "buy-in" is what is most important. Her support is likely to dwindle over time, so it probably needs to be a little better than "okay" to start with. Most thru's also have their own moments of doubt on the trail, and if you couple that with a little tugging from home, then it's likely to end the hike.
My wife (and kids) visited me on the trail at the beginning, end and two places in-between.
affreeman: book is in the mail, look ahead to pgs: 26,90,162,202
twosticks
08-19-2008, 16:08
I am running the Marine Corps Marathon on October 26th. :)
Me too! This will be my second.
Monkeywrench
08-20-2008, 08:22
Me too! This will be my second.
I ran Marine Corps last year and missed my four hour goal by about 5 minutes when I fell apart around mile 23.
This year I'll be running Hartford and still shooting for four hours.
hoyawolf
08-20-2008, 10:58
anyone else running the great eastern endurance run 50k in charlottesville?
twosticks
08-20-2008, 11:21
I ran Marine Corps last year and missed my four hour goal by about 5 minutes when I fell apart around mile 23.
This year I'll be running Hartford and still shooting for four hours.
I'm shooting for sub-4 hr as well. We'll see what happens.
As for getting spousal buy-in, I'm fortunate enough to have a wife that shares the same dream. Now I just need to figure out the slower vs faster hiking. As it is now, I carry most of the gear, but I'm still faster. With more hiking, it should balance itself out eventually.
Brief story on the topic of spousal buy-in. Due to my own fears/concerns about PCT hiking (too readily communicated with the wife,) my wife insisted that I could only hike it if I found a partner. So a couple of weeks ago I hiked a couple of days on the JMT with my nephew -- half my age. He couldn't hack the altitude. The hike was a bust. The good news is that I now know for certain that I can do this hike alone -- and over the years I've found that hiking alone works best for me, anyway. If anything, the JMT is more heavily traveled than the AT was (for me) last summer.
Bottom line is that my wife has now dropped the "partner" requirement and has agreed that I will do the JMT, alone, probably in 2010. I'll take enough time off (3 weeks) to do the whole thing, not just a 70-mile stretch. My wife's "buy-in" would not have happened without this year's experience.
Monkeywrench
08-20-2008, 14:40
As for getting spousal buy-in, I'm fortunate enough to have a wife that shares the same dream. Now I just need to figure out the slower vs faster hiking. As it is now, I carry most of the gear, but I'm still faster. With more hiking, it should balance itself out eventually.
In a way -- well, in a couple of ways -- I'm fortunate that my wife doesn't have any interest in thru-hiking. For one thing, this way she'll keep working and bringing in an income, which makes me much freer to walk away from my own job since I know we won't end up homeless. And for another, my guess is that thru-hiking together can put a whole lot of strain even on a great relationship.
twosticks
08-21-2008, 10:20
In a way -- well, in a couple of ways -- I'm fortunate that my wife doesn't have any interest in thru-hiking. For one thing, this way she'll keep working and bringing in an income, which makes me much freer to walk away from my own job since I know we won't end up homeless. And for another, my guess is that thru-hiking together can put a whole lot of strain even on a great relationship.
Going into it, we have an understanding of what's good and what's bad. My ex-wife wasn't into backpacking at all and because of that, I wasn't able to do much of it. Now I have someone that wants to share these things with me and gets just as excited as I do about planning and hiking these trips. While section hiking is not very comparable to thru-hiking, I think the small hikes we have done have brought us closer and the eventual thru-hike will be a great experience for both of us.
While section hiking is not very comparable to thru-hiking...
I dunno. If the section's long enough, there's not that much difference, IMO. A bit less hardship, maybe, for a section hiker, since you have more choices and don't have that long-term (2000+ mile) invisible goal.
My technique was to retire and interrupt my wife's pattern of activities by messing around with house things. By the time I suggested a thru hike she was happy to get rid of me for six months.
Of course, I gave her things to do to keep her busy in my absence, like mailing my resupply packages and a fresh supply of money every week or so.
Weary
I know that I am EXTREMELY lucky to have the husband I have. I did a 200 mile section in April and he was my HUGE support team. He did my mail drops, transcibed my trailjournal, and was a huge strength when I was exhausted. He and I are hiking partners also. I missed him VERY much when I was out, but I knew he was happy for me to be doing what we love to do. We plan on a thru attempt one day, but section until then. I have had guilt about him working so hard and me going hiking, but he tells me he loves to live through my hikes when he can't be out there. I couldn't ask for better.
Once your wife sees your preparations for the trail and how much you love it, she'll be more on board, IMO. Do a trailjournal and have her transcibe. That way she can feel like she is with you and understand it a little better. Good luck to you. I might just see you out there. :)
hoyawolf
08-21-2008, 11:51
it would be hard to remain in a relationship where there is a lot of contention over what essentially is your parnter's choice of hobbies.
My husband is just okay with my hiking, but he tries to be supportive since he knows how much it means to me. My biggest gripers are my parents who are in their 80s. They don't understand why my husband would even "let me go" and have been rude enough to insinuate that one or both of us must be cheating when I am hiking. My mother gave up her dreams when she got married and she thinks everyone else should too. I know that was the way it was in the 1940s, but fortunately I live now and not then. My husband doesn't want me to be gone for 6 months at a time, but he isn't going to stop me from trying.
hoyawolf
08-22-2008, 16:01
i guess 11 years in the army have inured my spouse to me being gone for long stretches....
i guess 11 years in the army have inured my spouse to me being gone for long stretches....
This is true, but it still doesn't work for everyone. A friend of mine is retired from the Navy, but his wife still opposes his going off to hike for long stretches because she thinks it's dangerous. It's going to be an uphill battle for him to convince her otherwise.