View Full Version : What Would You Do?
ct1974rlw
08-14-2008, 09:16
Okay, without airing it all out here-need some advice.
I just got back from hiking for 8 days. I am an experianced hiker and take as many precautions as ness. to be safe-however, I am still learning. I mentioned last night to my significant other that I am shooting for a thru hike in 2011. This was not recieved well. He does not share my love of hiking/camping (his idea of camping is the Hilton) and the one time I brought him out on the trail, he lasted 2 hours before heading back out to his car to go home because he hated it that much. Everytime I plan a trip-he gets angry about it. (he is always invited but if looks could kill....) So, suprise was no suprise when he presented this to me....
So I was given a choice-either him or the trail (and yes, he does mean NO hiking whatsoever and he will NOT budge). His reasoning is that it isn't safe for a woman and not glamorous. Ok-wasn't out on the trail to be all glamorous-in fact I could care less if I got muddy and began to sweat....I'm out on the trail because it is te thing that I love to do. It's healthy and wonderful for the soul. He knew this coming into the relationship.
I responded to him-what if I choose hiking? He just shrugged his shoulders and said "it's your loss...." LOL...Hiking is a loss?? That is a hard line to get me to buy. :-?
What would you do?
No offense to anyone but I think I am ready to get back on the trail and start humming the song to myself "Hit the road Jack...." and not look back...Reminds me of that country song that his gf leaves him over fishing "Oh, look and I got a bite....."
-R.
if there are no kids involved, looks like a no brainer. his loss!
karoberts
08-14-2008, 10:15
Nevermind the hike issue, he sounds like a total control freak. He is manipulating you. Better to get rid of him now.
Old Hillwalker
08-14-2008, 10:16
into the Females' forum, but my hiking and trailwork over the past 40 years has cost me three wives. Never found a woman who loved it as much as I do. But then I never really looked too hard. Now I consider myself too old to worry about it:p
I say that if you have no kids, go out and live the life you want, not someone else's idea of what life should be.
cowboy nichols
08-14-2008, 10:21
I was given the same choice--my answer was goodbye husband hello trail . No person who really loves someone trys to control. My advice Take a hike.
My opinion, if you're married you already made your choice. Stay unless he is abusive. If you're not married, leave and don't look back. That kind of control ultimatum only gets worse when you give in.
BookBurner
08-14-2008, 10:34
Ba-Bye! If it's not hiking, it'll be the way you line the soup cans up in the cupboard. And by the way, it's more dangerous to drive to the grocery store by yourself. But I'm sure he won't ask you to give that up. What a tool!
mark.k.watson
08-14-2008, 10:38
Shoulder your pack and hit the trail.
Ya, I gotta agree with the others. How long have you been with this guy? He doesn't sound like a control freak, he IS one. No one person, imho, has the right to tell another person what they can or cannot do. If a guy ever gave me that kind of ultimatum, I'd be gone.
You need to stand up for yourself and never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Don't live your life vis-a-vis another's insecurities and fears.
You can go to www.trailjournals.com (http://www.trailjournals.com) and read dozens of journals by WOMEN who have hiked ALONE. Some of my very favorites are "Red Dane" ( http://www.trailjournals.com/entry.cfm?trailname=3860) and "Overflow" (http://www.trailjournals.com/entry.cfm?trailname=3785)
Red Dane was a female exchange student from Norway. She started her thru in January, for God's sake, and she was happy and upbeat every step of the way.
Overflow was a goof. I never thought she'd make it to Neel's. But she also was upbeat every footstep, she always looked at things with a smile, and her journal has some of the very best dry humor I've ever read. She tented most of the way to Maine. She was married and her husband was supportive. Kudos to both.
Live your own life. It's too short to let others tell you what you can and can't do.
bloodmountainman
08-14-2008, 10:54
Say goodbye, and hit the trail. Who knows who you'll meet that may be more compatible.
if there are no kids involved, looks like a no brainer. his loss!
Nevermind the hike issue, he sounds like a total control freak. He is manipulating you. Better to get rid of him now.
Ditto. BTW, I hiked solo. Though I have been married for decades, my husband had no interest in thru-hiking the AT. (He says he'll consider the PCT one of these years...)
I can only assume the hiking thing is not the only problem in this relationship.
Doesn't matter who's the male, who's the female, or if you were a same-gender couple. That ultimatum should be a red flag, in any of these scenarios, that there is big trouble ahead.
Get out while you can, tough as it may seem right now. That would be a win. Then go hiking. That would be a win-win.
bloodmountainman
08-14-2008, 11:15
When a man says that activity is "not glamorous"...... translated in Manspeak...... you make ME look bad, or Your activity is an embarassment to ME.
What a jerk!
Is this the only area where your guy acts like an idiot? If so, maybe he's salvageable (electro-shock therapy?); otherwise I'd call it a day and move on.
Ultimatums are always red flags.... big, giant freeking red flags. It's time to move on down the trail without him. I've spent 28 years with my hubby, and he hates the trail. He's a runner, and you wouldn't find me running ever. We would never consider such an ultimatum. I love to hike. He loves to run on the track and compete. Occasionally I watch him run, and occasionally he joins me for a day hike. The rest of the time, we do our own thing. We know that these great loves are part of who we are and we support each other's interests. If that's not possible in your relationship, it's just never going to get better.
Blissful
08-14-2008, 12:03
No offense to anyone but I think I am ready to get back on the trail and start humming the song to myself "Hit the road Jack...." and not look back...
-R.
Looks like you have made the decision - so hike on!
Thankfully my hubby loves to hike -though he wasn't keen about my leaving and going with my son last year (he was thinking more of loneliness on his part than safety or glamor, for sure). But he came on board and supported us 110%. Without that, we would not have made it.
Odd Thomas
08-14-2008, 12:25
Okay, without airing it all out here-need some advice.
I just got back from hiking for 8 days. I am an experianced hiker and take as many precautions as ness. to be safe-however, I am still learning. I mentioned last night to my significant other that I am shooting for a thru hike in 2011. This was not recieved well. He does not share my love of hiking/camping (his idea of camping is the Hilton) and the one time I brought him out on the trail, he lasted 2 hours before heading back out to his car to go home because he hated it that much. Everytime I plan a trip-he gets angry about it. (he is always invited but if looks could kill....) So, suprise was no suprise when he presented this to me....
So I was given a choice-either him or the trail (and yes, he does mean NO hiking whatsoever and he will NOT budge). His reasoning is that it isn't safe for a woman and not glamorous. Ok-wasn't out on the trail to be all glamorous-in fact I could care less if I got muddy and began to sweat....I'm out on the trail because it is te thing that I love to do. It's healthy and wonderful for the soul. He knew this coming into the relationship.
I responded to him-what if I choose hiking? He just shrugged his shoulders and said "it's your loss...." LOL...Hiking is a loss?? That is a hard line to get me to buy. :-?
What would you do?
No offense to anyone but I think I am ready to get back on the trail and start humming the song to myself "Hit the road Jack...." and not look back...Reminds me of that country song that his gf leaves him over fishing "Oh, look and I got a bite....."
-R.
Let him leave. He's going to have a lonely life if he expects others to change for him.
Odd Thomas
08-14-2008, 12:31
Is this the only area where your guy acts like an idiot? If so, maybe he's salvageable (electro-shock therapy?); otherwise I'd call it a day and move on.
Nobody is salvageable. People are who they are. Time spent trying to change people into other people is wasted time and unfair to both.
FritztheCat
08-14-2008, 12:34
My wife would leave me in a heartbeat if I were to issue an ultimatum on something she loves to do. And I wouldn't blame her. She loves to paint and I personally don't care for art at all (mostly because I don't really understand it) but she's really happy when she paints. When she's happy, I'm happy so if she wants to spend countless hours in her studio painting, I would be a moron telling her "it's either me or the art."
See you on the trail in 2011! :banana
bigcranky
08-14-2008, 12:36
My opinion, if you're married you already made your choice. Stay unless he is abusive.
This sort of behavior can qualify as abuse, actually. We don't know anything else about this guy, or the relationship in general, so I'm hardly going to jump on board with the "dump him now" contingent, but:
If this is a symptom of a larger problem; if he regularly tries to control what you do, where you go, who your friends are, etc.; if he doesn't allow you any privacy; if he berates you (especially in public), or belittles you about anything; if he is constantly questioning you about where you've been and who you've seen; all of these qualify as emotional abuse. If that's the case, you'd be better off out of this relationship.
The Solemates
08-14-2008, 12:37
My opinion, if you're married you already made your choice. Stay unless he is abusive. If you're not married, leave and don't look back. That kind of control ultimatum only gets worse when you give in.
our thoughts exactly...
Stormy Nap
08-14-2008, 12:44
wow. dump him.
Short Term
08-14-2008, 12:49
Hate it for him. I agree with the others, sounds like more is involved than just not allowing you to hike. Life is too short...since he is pretty much telling you to take a hike....take a long one and enjoy it!! :)
My opinion, if you're married you already made your choice. Stay unless he is abusive. If you're not married, leave and don't look back. That kind of control ultimatum only gets worse when you give in.
I'm sorry, but issuing an ultimatum like that IS abusive. Married or no, it's just not right.
The basic rule in these matters is simple. "Would you be happier with him or without him?"
And people do change. When I was first married, I suggested a camping trip to my wife. Her reply: "I'm not going to lower myself to sleeping on the ground."
But she quickly learned she had married into an extended camping and hiking family. She not only learned to camp, but we managed to backpack with three kids -- beginning at ages 3-6.
She became an avid camper -- less avid backpacker. But we did short backpacks for years. One of her proudest boasts is having climbed Katahdin with three kids in tow, ages 5-8.
Weary
Animal Cracker
08-14-2008, 12:55
NEVER let someone prevent you from doing what you love!
Obviously, you need to make whatever decision is right for you. However, my personal thought is that you should hit the trail and don't look back. Backpacking tends to be a relatively safe activity.
My initial experience on the AT was as an eighteen year old female. I ran into only one shady situation which was a bunch of super shady, drunk guys hanging out at a service road crossing first thing in the morning. Two of the guys hiking in front of me knew I was behind them and waited for me to hike through. I was very thankful and nothing bad became of me. I guess the moral of that story is that you're not really alone out there - especially with how over populated the trail is these days.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
~Animal Cracker
CaptainScarlet
08-14-2008, 13:03
Announcing a thru hike is a big undertaking. Your SO obviously didn't handle it well.
However, think of it as having announced an intention to make a major job change or perhaps buy a new house.
You still have a lot of lead time, until 2011, about three years. That's plenty of time to see if some "behavioral modification" will work.
Good luck with your hike and your relationship. I'm the kind of person who likes to try to have my cake AND eat it, too. He wants to make an "issue" out of this, you don't have to. Just make your plans and preparations and "see what happens." Be optimistic about things and maybe over time he will see the light, or at least a little bit of it.
SmokeHouse
08-14-2008, 13:24
Life is short. Live it the best you can and have fun doing it. You have the same drive to be out there like the rest of us, so all I can say is, 'I hate it for him'. My wife doesn't like to backpack, but she will do a day hike when the temp is perfect for her. She just don't care to sleep in a tent, but she doesn't have a problem with me going and I don't have a problem with the things she likes.
Blissful
08-14-2008, 13:58
Just noticed = some Virginians going in 2011. Anyone going SOBO? :)
gravityman
08-14-2008, 14:12
All relationships take work and compromise.
YOU need to decide if this is an area you are ready to compromise in.
That said, it really sounds like he's not willing to work or compromise much. If that's true, expect to have to make a lot more concessions if you choose to make this one.
personally, hiking is too much a part of my life for me to be happy with someone that didn't do it. My wife and I both enjoy it tremendously. But even there, we do need to make compromises.
Gravity
leeki pole
08-14-2008, 14:15
Life is short. Live it the best you can and have fun doing it. You have the same drive to be out there like the rest of us, so all I can say is, 'I hate it for him'. My wife doesn't like to backpack, but she will do a day hike when the temp is perfect for her. She just don't care to sleep in a tent, but she doesn't have a problem with me going and I don't have a problem with the things she likes.
I concur with this 100%. After 27 years of wedded bliss, we agree to disagree. And we're still best friends.
d'shadow
08-14-2008, 14:21
.
I responded to him-what if I choose hiking? He just shrugged his shoulders and said "it's your loss...." LOL...Hiking is a loss?? That is a hard line to get me to buy. -R.[/quote]
His response says a lot about how much respect he has for you. When you love someone and you know they really love to do something, you will encourage that person to do what they love. It sounds like there are deeper issues between you to and perhaps it is time for a long talk between the two of you about common interests, and goals.
beerandpizza
08-14-2008, 20:57
he actually gave you and ultimatem? what is he, 6?
he actually gave you and ultimatem? what is he, 6?
Well, everyone should ponder the possibility that the guy wants out of this relationship -- and this is simply a way of doing so--albeit, an irresponsible way.
Weary
Do you really want relationship advice from WB!?!
ct1974rlw
08-14-2008, 22:08
Okay-I called him to let him know my gear was packed and checked but before I could finish the sentence he immediately responded with "I am so glad that you finally came to your senses, now I have a relationship with an ounce of sanity!!!" I guess he thought I was getting my gear ready to be disposed of. Hmmmmmmm.
I broke into his excitement with "Ahhhhh, no, sweetheart. I am leaving on a hiking trip tomorrow am. I know it's short notice and all but I know no other place in the world that I want to be-single-that is-on the AT in the SNP. So, guess I am not for you, wish you all the happiness and joy in the world. No hard feelings!"
He was speechless, but I never felt more free than at that very moment! YAHOO!!!!!!!!! Sorry-but my first love is hiking/camping/backpacking and I can NOT give up totally something that is so good for me. Compromise-yes-but to never ever do it again??? Nope.
And another thought that really kept coming to me today was-if I can't be loyal to myself and do the things that I love to do and that are healthy-who can I be loyal too? The only answer I could come up with was: NO ONE. That is when I knew I was hitting the trail tomorrow.
He finally responded that if I want to hang out with a bunch of dirty, smelly unemployed and homeless hillbillies, then so be it, obviously I wanted to be one of them. And fit right in.
Mmmmmmmm, somethings are just not worth validating with a response!
So, my gear has been packed, I have checked and rechecked my supplies and I am grinning ear to ear that I am going to be hitting the trail at 5:00 AM a free and completely single woman!!! I will be returning Sunday and ohhhhhhhhhh this feels SOOO good! So does that make me a HILLBILLY WOMAN???? Well if it does-I'm so honored-I couldn't ask to hang out with a bunch of nicer (and very wise) group of people who know the finer things in life can not be purchased but only cherished!!!! I don't think I am going to miss this relationship-wait-now that I am thinking about it-not sure what I will miss about the relationship.
Thank you for all your advice!!! You guys are totally AWESOME!
PS-Hiking out to Bearfence Mountain Hut tomorrow night from Big Meadows-Hope to see you all on the trail! After that, I'm slackpackin it until Sunday-gosh it feels soooooooo good to be free. YAHOO-back on the trail-HERE I COME!!! ROFLMBO
Two Speed
08-14-2008, 22:23
So does that make me a HILLBILLY WOMAN????Well, if it doesn't you're certainly headed that way.
Happy Trails!
Gorp-Gobbler
08-14-2008, 22:27
There's more then one fish in the brook (oops!), I mean TRAIL.
Bearpaw88
08-14-2008, 22:36
-gosh it feels soooooooo good to be free. YAHOO-back on the trail-HERE I COME!!! ROFLMBO
Awesome Lady
:banana
Gray Blazer
08-14-2008, 22:40
How would he feel if maybe you went with someone else. I would go for a week or more by myself for years and my wife was always worried about me being alone. She said that even a dog would do. We got one, a chocolate lab mixed and we love her and she is the best trail dog. My wife feels better about me hiking now as long as my dog, Blaze (pics in my WB gallery), is with me.
Okay-I called him to let him know my gear was packed and checked but before I could finish the sentence he immediately responded with "I am so glad that you finally came to your senses, now I have a relationship with an ounce of sanity!!!" I guess he thought I was getting my gear ready to be disposed of. Hmmmmmmm.
I broke into his excitement with "Ahhhhh, no, sweetheart. I am leaving on a hiking trip tomorrow am. I know it's short notice and all but I know no other place in the world that I want to be-single-that is-on the AT in the SNP. So, guess I am not for you, wish you all the happiness and joy in the world. No hard feelings!"
He was speechless, but I never felt more free than at that very moment! YAHOO!!!!!!!!! Sorry-but my first love is hiking/camping/backpacking and I can NOT give up totally something that is so good for me. Compromise-yes-but to never ever do it again??? Nope.
And another thought that really kept coming to me today was-if I can't be loyal to myself and do the things that I love to do and that are healthy-who can I be loyal too? The only answer I could come up with was: NO ONE. That is when I knew I was hitting the trail tomorrow.
He finally responded that if I want to hang out with a bunch of dirty, smelly unemployed and homeless hillbillies, then so be it, obviously I wanted to be one of them. And fit right in.
Mmmmmmmm, somethings are just not worth validating with a response!
So, my gear has been packed, I have checked and rechecked my supplies and I am grinning ear to ear that I am going to be hitting the trail at 5:00 AM a free and completely single woman!!! I will be returning Sunday and ohhhhhhhhhh this feels SOOO good! So does that make me a HILLBILLY WOMAN???? Well if it does-I'm so honored-I couldn't ask to hang out with a bunch of nicer (and very wise) group of people who know the finer things in life can not be purchased but only cherished!!!! I don't think I am going to miss this relationship-wait-now that I am thinking about it-not sure what I will miss about the relationship.
Thank you for all your advice!!! You guys are totally AWESOME!
PS-Hiking out to Bearfence Mountain Hut tomorrow night from Big Meadows-Hope to see you all on the trail! After that, I'm slackpackin it until Sunday-gosh it feels soooooooo good to be free. YAHOO-back on the trail-HERE I COME!!! ROFLMBO
You did the right thing. Absolutely. Don't look back.
I hope to be out in SNP this weekend also. Maybe see ya there?
ct1974rlw
08-14-2008, 22:57
You did the right thing. Absolutely. Don't look back.
I hope to be out in SNP this weekend also. Maybe see ya there?
Absolutely!!
I am short, have brown hair and I'll be singing very happily "Hit the road Jack, don't ya come back no more no more no more, Hit the road jack, don't ya come back no more!!!"
ct1974rlw
08-14-2008, 23:02
How would he feel if maybe you went with someone else. I would go for a week or more by myself for years and my wife was always worried about me being alone. She said that even a dog would do. We got one, a chocolate lab mixed and we love her and she is the best trail dog. My wife feels better about me hiking now as long as my dog, Blaze (pics in my WB gallery), is with me.
I don't really think it was about me having someone with me (I have two shepherds that sometimes come out with me) as all alter. were always shot down for some reason or another. He is very anti-hiking-woods type of person. He would rather be out clubbing or dining at a fine rest. I don't mind these things, but my heart is where the trail is and he was very resentful of that. He would rather leave that for others-not his woman. In fact whenever I brought up a pending hiking trip his famous line was "Let's just say you did, but you didn't, okay?" He also admited that when he first met me he really thought my hiking was just a "faze". Mmmmmmm, sorry not so.
iamduesouth
08-17-2008, 22:40
Hello, I know this is a female only forum, but perhaps I will be forgiven,
....my 2 cents is this, if he does not support you in this, he most likely not support you in other decisions you make in the future, my girlfriend likewise does not share the love of the outdoors as I do, and our relationship with probably will not survive my 2009 thru-hike,so I am choosing to follow my dreams...and perhaps I will find someone who loves the outdoor as much as I do.....if you do not follow your dreams I believe you will most likely regret later on, which ever you choose, I wish you the best....Duesouth
iamduesouth
08-17-2008, 22:42
Paul Simon sings a song, 50 ways to leave your lover, perhaps there are 51 ways....#51....Hike the Appalachian Trail.....Good luck...Duesouth
You got lots of good advice, and ended up following your heart. Your heart and your gut feelings will most always steer you the right way.
My second husband thought black and white tv in a motel was camping. We traveled a lot, but never camped and any hikes were day hikes. I was alone or with my kids. He passed away in 2004, and I was able to spend even more time in the woods.
In January of 2006 I met Nessmuk and our instant attraction was hiking. We hiked over 700 miles together, with 2 completely different work schedules and my having summers off and his NOT having summers off that first year.
I started kayaking because he loves it so. He bought a small motorcycle because I love riding my motorcycle. We do these things together. Most recently I bought a dual sport bicycle to be able to moutain bike with him AND to please myself with long rides on asphalt.
He does have a few interests I do not share and vice versa. Each doing his/her own thing is not a threat.
Your conclusion is right on!--Compromise, yes. Ultimatums, NO! Congratulations on the first hike of your new life!
Frau
Have a great hike!
The guy is a narcissist. Run away fast from him, don't look back, and enjoy every mile!
Hammock Hanger
08-18-2008, 21:37
You need to stand up for yourself and never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Don't live your life vis-a-vis another's insecurities and fears.
You can go to www.trailjournals.com (http://www.trailjournals.com) and read dozens of journals by WOMEN who have hiked ALONE. Some of my very favorites are "Red Dane" ( http://www.trailjournals.com/entry.cfm?trailname=3860) and "Overflow" (http://www.trailjournals.com/entry.cfm?trailname=3785)
Red Dane was a female exchange student from Norway. She started her thru in January, for God's sake, and she was happy and upbeat every step of the way.
Overflow was a goof. I never thought she'd make it to Neel's. But she also was upbeat every footstep, she always looked at things with a smile, and her journal has some of the very best dry humor I've ever read. She tented most of the way to Maine. She was married and her husband was supportive. Kudos to both.
Live your own life. It's too short to let others tell you what you can and can't do.
I never read Overflow but I loved Red Dane.
dessertrat
08-19-2008, 09:50
He has realized something that you don't, yet:
The person who cares less in a relationship has the most power. And that is what this is about: power. It is quite a power trip for him to care less about you than you about him, and to wave ultimatums around. So what are you going to do about it?
Two Speed
08-19-2008, 09:53
He has realized something that you don't, yet:
The person who cares less in a relationship has the most power. And that is what this is about: power. It is quite a power trip for him to care less about you than you about him, and to wave ultimatums around. So what are you going to do about it?(I think she already did it; problem solved.)
adventurousmtnlvr
08-19-2008, 10:12
wow, I must have a different outlook than most, lol. I do not think it's about control at all (but what do I know). Sounds to me like he MISSES you when you are gone and wants to be together. But the fact you asked this question at all with your own last comment tells me ... YOU made your mind up already and wanted backup. Do you love him? (I don't let people rule me but I do compromise on occasion). Perhaps he just needs to find his own hobby while you are gone. But frankly if he LOVES you ... he will respect the things you enjoy as it is your life. When married though ... it's a shared life. Perhaps someone prior that said there may be other prior problems and this is the kicker was correct. We don't have that information. I'm one who believes in never giving up. Easy for others to say ... move on .. .they aren't in your shoes. So I ask again ... do you love him? Perhaps you should sit down and tell him you care about how he feels but he needs to understand how you feel. Walking out is always the easy road and I guess I'm good at standing up and finding other alternatives :) Best wishes and I'm SURE we will see you in 2011 either way. Just find another approach with him regarding the discussion. But I disagree with what he said about his reasons .. those are NOT his REAL reasons ... only excuses. My guess is he misses you.
dessertrat
08-19-2008, 10:16
(I think she already did it; problem solved.)
You're right-- that's what I get for not reading the whole thread through.
You deserve a huge YOU GO, GIRL!!!!!! It is time to live your life for you and forget about those that can't or won't understand. GO FOR IT!!! Hope to see you on the trail!:sun
StarLyte
08-19-2008, 11:10
Doesn't matter who's the male, who's the female, or if you were a same-gender couple. That ultimatum should be a red flag, in any of these scenarios, that there is big trouble ahead.
Get out while you can, tough as it may seem right now. That would be a win. Then go hiking. That would be a win-win.
Absolutely!
Have fun - and enjoy your life to the absolute fullest....have as much fun as you can possibly get away with, hike as often as you want--and come see your friends at hiker events :D
Didn't read all the posts because I didn't have the time. This is my two cents to those that think she should stay if she is married and has kids.
What kind of example are you setting for a child if you let that child see you mistreated and don't stand up for yourself?
A daughter thinks it's ok for a man to control her and talk down to her.
A son thinks it's ok to talk down to and control a woman.
You don't stay in a bad relationship because of the kids, you get out of it for the sake of the kids.
Again, my two cents. Because I've seen three generations of it first hand.
ct1974rlw
08-19-2008, 15:34
Maybe I should have said this before:-)
No we didn't have kids (but I have two girls 13 and 16 yrs old), we didn't live together either.......Which made the decision much easier :D
Maybe I should have said this before:-)
No we didn't have kids (but I have two girls 13 and 16 yrs old), we didn't live together either.......Which made the decision much easier :D
I'm glad that all has worked out for you. There are more men out there and many of them hike. Good luck!
Julie
My guess is he misses you.
Yeah...not.
A SO that "misses you" will stick in love notes in your pack, an extra treat, hug you when you stink of the trail, tell you they love you when you call them - they don't pout, deliver ultimatums, or attempt to change you to fit their concept of life.
Good for you! Controlling partners don't stop once they get their way the first time. You cave once and it is all over - first hobbies, then friends, then how you live your life.
Have an awesome time and may he learn a painful lesson that you deserved better treatment:banana
Big Chuck
08-29-2008, 10:36
My wife is not a hiker and is very against my thru-hike of the AT (I am in the planning stages but have given her a tentative date of 2010). I got involved with Scouting 8 years ago and have enjoyed many nights on many trails since. The feeling that I got from being outdoors and the comraderie with like-minded people was something that I had been missing since my youth. It convinced me that you can lose part of yourself in a relationship. Once this part of you is lost you grieve over it for the rest of your life. So reclaiming this lost part of yourself is important to your happiness. Relationships are supposed to be a 50/50 proposition. Concessions must be made on BOTH sides. For example, I would NEVER suggest my wife hike the AT with me because that is not her kind of adventure, but she should be supportive in my attempt to reach this lifelong goal. I guess what I am trying to say is to live your life to the fullest extent you can. If you can not change this fella's mind (and it sounds like you can't) then be true to yourself and hit the trail.
oldfivetango
08-29-2008, 11:40
My opinion, if you're married you already made your choice. Stay unless he is abusive. If you're not married, leave and don't look back. That kind of control ultimatum only gets worse when you give in.
Sorry to disagree with this one.
I stood up in the church before God and everybody and took
the vows;however those vows do not include allowing myself
to be controlled by another.
Fortuneately I have an understanding wife who lets me live
my life(just so long as the "forsaking all others" part is in full
force and effect:D)
I would recommend the lady drop the dude like a hot rock if
there are no children involved.
Oldfivetango
oldfivetango
08-29-2008, 11:47
One more thing-once again I am caught redhanded
not having read all the posts and it is embarrassing
even if I do have good company in my shortcomings.
And big congratulations!You have made the right choice!
And if possible,you should change your handle to "Hillbilly Woman"
if it isn't already taken
Chiming in from a man's point of view .... For him to make you choose him or the trail is seriously ignorant, my wife doesn't like the trail/hike .... she'd MAYBE do a day hike but hasn't yet, she has NEVER said i couldn't go or had an attitude when i break it to her 2 days before i plan a trip "hey hon, the weather is gonna be great i'm takin a few days out in the woods" ... "Np" ... In my opinion, i'd leave him and find yourself someone who either A: Wasn't such an #$#hole ... or B: Find someone who enjoys the same things you do .... Life's too short to deal with "Its me or them" ... Seriously,
Dicentra
09-08-2008, 18:59
Toodles to Mr. Controlling. He obviously doesn't support you in what you want to do.
I'm a woman and I hike solo.
Hike on!
Lawn Sale
09-09-2008, 10:20
I don't really think it was about me having someone with me (I have two shepherds that sometimes come out with me) as all alter. were always shot down for some reason or another. He is very anti-hiking-woods type of person. He would rather be out clubbing or dining at a fine rest. I don't mind these things, but my heart is where the trail is and he was very resentful of that. He would rather leave that for others-not his woman. In fact whenever I brought up a pending hiking trip his famous line was "Let's just say you did, but you didn't, okay?" He also admited that when he first met me he really thought my hiking was just a "faze". Mmmmmmm, sorry not so.
I would love to find someone like you up here, he doesn't know what he's lost.
My ex was a non-hiker and non-camper, and I tried not to let it bother me, doing the whole "responsible" husband thing. Well, it was more than just that, and after 10 years, it fell apart and she left. I was saddened and blamed myself, but we just weren't compatible. I am also of the mindset that you get married for life, it's not a pick and choose menu, but she didn't see it that way.
Now I LOVE hiking again and feel like a void has been filled, picking it up 6 years ago after the decade plus hiatus. I'll never give it up now, that was a mistake then. When it's ingrained in your very being, you can't NOT do it, some people don't understand that.
Congrats on your decision, no one should be given an ultimatum on what they want to do and what they don't, there's no respect when that happens.
BumpJumper
09-09-2008, 15:49
I agree with one of the first replies. To hell with the hiking part.....
If he knew of your love for the game prior to the relationship/marriage...and now he is backstroking......better go for a long hike and mentally draw up some divorce papers. He wants control of that now....what later?
JMO which is like A$$HOLES...everyone has one!:D
Gladiator
09-09-2008, 20:58
It sucks having a SO who resents your passions. Where were you when I was single and looking?:-?
And this guy claims to love you or does he just claim you? This guy needs an attitude change which may require several lifetimes. I have been on the trail somewhere for over 50 years. Failed to see any unglamorous women anywhere or any time. Only the glamorus are adventurous enough to take to the trail solo or otherwise. Tell the jerk to buzz off and take a walk with all those handsome, funloving, sexy guys who walk the trail.
Drop him, chances are once your out on the trail you might meet another aquaintence in which you have the same interests. Trails can make or brake relationships. If it is your dream to hike don't let anyone stand in your way.
Toolshed
09-12-2008, 17:21
Eveyone is quick to jump on the "Blame the S-O" Bandwagon, but we we don't really know much about either party, do we? Just because someone had the same passion as most on the forum doesn't make them right. When you only hear one side of an argument it is easy to give one-sided advice.
Many times things have been said in the heat of an argument that the other person did not mean. many times words and actions can be misinterpreted - Especially if one is expecting a specific response.
I would say give it some time and allow cooler heads. Try to discuss what exactly the issues are after cooling off abit and becoming less emotional (this sounds like it might be an emotionally charged issue).
You both got together for certain reasons and maybe you are outgrowing each other and hiking is the convenient cause to dismantle the relationship - Maybe there is something else.
Regardless, no one really knows who the jerk is in this case we only know one side of the story that paints the other side as a "Control Freak" . It could be completely factual, it could be completely false, but more than likely, somewhere in between.
Either way, I wish both of you luck. It is difficult situation for either.
boarstone
09-12-2008, 19:30
Okay, without airing it all out here-need some advice.
I just got back from hiking for 8 days. I am an experianced hiker and take as many precautions as ness. to be safe-however, I am still learning. I mentioned last night to my significant other that I am shooting for a thru hike in 2011. This was not recieved well. He does not share my love of hiking/camping (his idea of camping is the Hilton) and the one time I brought him out on the trail, he lasted 2 hours before heading back out to his car to go home because he hated it that much. Everytime I plan a trip-he gets angry about it. (he is always invited but if looks could kill....) So, suprise was no suprise when he presented this to me....
So I was given a choice-either him or the trail (and yes, he does mean NO hiking whatsoever and he will NOT budge). His reasoning is that it isn't safe for a woman and not glamorous. Ok-wasn't out on the trail to be all glamorous-in fact I could care less if I got muddy and began to sweat....I'm out on the trail because it is te thing that I love to do. It's healthy and wonderful for the soul. He knew this coming into the relationship.
I responded to him-what if I choose hiking? He just shrugged his shoulders and said "it's your loss...." LOL...Hiking is a loss?? That is a hard line to get me to buy. :-?
What would you do?
No offense to anyone but I think I am ready to get back on the trail and start humming the song to myself "Hit the road Jack...." and not look back...Reminds me of that country song that his gf leaves him over fishing "Oh, look and I got a bite....."
-R.
You've already answered your own question...here's another one...how'd you feel "before you met him?" If he's not on board w/you on this, he won't be on anything else...he's looking for someone to make into his "idea" of a partner...maybe partner isn't the word,anyway...chuck jack, don't look back...
Hoop Time
09-12-2008, 22:15
I can sort of understand his concerns about a through-hike. Not because of safety issues, but because of a 5 or 6 month separation. But it doesn't sound like that is the issue, and even if it were, there are plenty of ways to deal with that, like planning visits, helping you slackpack some sections, etc.
Bottom line, echoing most of the others here, you did the right thing. If the guy really loved you, he'd find a way to make it work instead of trying to take away something that means so much to you.
When I first got married, my wife used to get upset a little that I would spend an entire day off fly fishing without her. Now she encourages me to go, and actually helps me plan and pack when I go for week long trips without her (which I can do because I have more vacation leave each year than she does).
She says she came to realize that it actually made me a better husband and father because of the positive impact it has on my psyche to get away from everything.
I am also blessed because she does enjoy the outdoors. She doesn't fly fish, but she enjoys camping and loves hiking. Her only complaint is the same as mine, that we don't get to do enough of it.
Anyhow, enjoy your hike and remember, men (and women if the shoe is on the other foot) are like a bus, if you miss one, another will be along in 20 minutes.