View Full Version : Leaving family behind to hike
chefbrian1
05-31-2009, 01:58
Hi gang,
I have a non-hiking partner who is upset and jealous of my hiking. I understand because how many people would be happy if their partner said they were going to take off for a month or six to go for a walk. She tolerates my interest in the AT barely, but she can't wait till I finish the trail so I can shut up about it already and stay home like a normal person (lol)
I am a section hiker with the pearisburg to harpers ferry and new hampshire and maine sections left to go. The plan is do a section a summer for the next three summers till I am done. Most section range from 4-5 weeks long.
I am not sure how other hikers smooth over the relationship waves in order to both distance hike and be in a relationship. I imagine that relationship and family commitments are a big factor between hiking or staying at home and not making waves.
It is not just her. It is me too. I don't like be away too long either. I figure about 30 days is our max for being apart. Before I was in a relationship, I had no problem with the idea of a six month hike, but now a section seems to work fine.
In fact, part of what got me on the trail in the first place was because I just went through a break up and needed some time to hike and clear my head. This time is because I love hiking and the trail.
I figure other hikers may also have issue with family and the AT.
Feel free to share your thoughts.
Chef Brian
Phoenixdadeadhead
05-31-2009, 02:09
I feel for ya. There are 2 ways to look at his 1 I am sure she knew you were a hiker before you 2 got serious so she knew what she was getting or 2 you know how she feels so you should limit your hikes to 1 week and weekend hikes. Both are correct and Neither are correct kinda blows lol.
Number 1 don't stop hiking for her, you will regret it and blame her and that kind of strain really hurts a relationship. 2 if you are hiking 1 section a year and it is only a month or so then help her plan a Vaca that she would love every year so she too will have something to look forward to every year, and make sure it is something you would not like to do.
Matteroo
05-31-2009, 04:44
praise the lord and count my blessings. if I didn't meet my girlfriend i would have never done 1500miles on the AT or been jazzed for the PCT and gotten into mountain climbing.. ..she will mnt. hike up mt. st. helens, adams, or south sister here in oregon/wa but using an ice ax, etc, is a no for her. but sometimes i do pinch myself that she will go campout anywhere anytime with me and be happy to do so..
it is hard being away for sure, mostly for the person who is not going off to adventure. a month sounds very reasonable for a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries. a month to be okay to be away, but still really start to miss the other and feel a 'need' to see them..its a full moon cycle and all that jazz. that said i am sure there are healthy relationships that people can go many many months too.. a little bit a sign of strength of a relationship can be how it is in the abscence of being together? if people can't be apart more than a few days without getting anxious maybe it says something about their need of a relationship more than the strength of the relationship they are in?
it should be clear to her that you like to hike, and will hike, though maybe not for 4-5 weeks at a time, but for years to come, you will hike/probably want to hike. accepting your SO's long term goals is probably one of the cruxes in any long term relationship.
something special for her, whether you like it or not, sounds important (trip to bahamas once every 2 years..)... b&b rental on makinaw island...whatever it is.
on the surface it sounds like she does not respect something that is really important to you - or do you admittedly go overboard on AT stuff to the point? if the former, you can make of it what you will. If the later, do you go overboard because she seems to loathe it so much? if she showed a little interest/sincere support of the AT would you relax about it more (if you're overly anxious/overly involved/speaking about it)? or do you just outright overdo it and it about trail stuff and that makes her crazy?
Matteroo
05-31-2009, 04:48
my comments should not be taken as an analysis or critique of you, her, or your relationships. only perspectives from my experience to consider/view/rule out/look more into if applicable. sorry if it seemed rude or anything, definitely not my intention.
i feel that too......when my wife found out i was planning a thru hike in 2014 with my best friend she was almost hostile to the idea of me being gone for 6 months.....even though we live 5miles from the trail, and almost halfway ga-me, so she would see me 3months in.....
she is GRADUALLY warming up to the idea
she is the type who will hike anything with me, as long as she doesnt have to sleep on the ground at night....she is more than capable of a 15+mile day....as long as she knows there is a nice mattress for her to sleep on, in a hotel or house....
im working up to getting her on a few simple overnighters this year....lol
Semperfeet
05-31-2009, 23:51
CB, I can totally relate. My lovely bride of 28 years really has a hard time appreciating my inner caveman when it is time for me to feed him or take him for a walk on the AT. Through years of a military career, we got to know the signs of the pending separation - much moodiness and hurry-up-and-get-the-hell-out-of-here - all totally related to how much we love each other. That coffee cup she bounced off my skull (lol) is just her way of saying, "I love you and don't want to be separated form you." I am jumping off from James River on 19 June NOBO to Harpers Ferry. Maybe see you out there and we can compare hen-pecks.:)
singing wind
06-01-2009, 06:35
Chef Brian-
Somewhere recently - on the women's forum I think, was a thread addressing relationships with 1 hiking and 1 non-hiking partner. Interesting read and helpful to hear other people's opinions and experiences.
Good luck!
I have been doing a week a year for the past four years. Hiking a whole summer is not an option for me. Eventually, I'll be doing 2-3 weeks per year, in either one or two trip shots. I have little kids though, and that changes everything, and my wife works fulltime too. It will take me 19 more years to finish the trail, and I'm OK with that. The AT isn't going anywhere, and by doing it annually, it gives me something to look forward too all year long and makes me stay in somewhat decent shape.
You have to find the "fine line" between OK and not OK with your family and stay on the OK side, but just barely.
she tolerates you hiking? lmao! get ride of her!
healthymom
06-01-2009, 10:49
My son and I will be leaving my husband behind when we do our thru. My husband believes that outdoors exists betwen the door of the house and the door of the car. To give him credit, he does try to spend time with me doing what I enjoy, hiking and camping. Unfortunately, he's almost always miserable when he comes to the woods with me. We spent part of our honeymoon hiking the AT. Ahem, 2 days and 1 night. He almost threw his pack off Watauga (sp?) dam. Since I didn't marry my hiking partner, I bred him.
So, Accomodations I've made to help my beloved be more comfortable:
Asked him to do research for me on the internet (his forte) about different topics; best water cleaning device, maildrops, finding good prices on gear, etc.
I have agreed to carry a cell phone and charger and a SPOT so that we can keep in touch and he can follow us on the map I got for him.
He will be sending us maildrops. Yes, *I* know they're not necessary, but it helps him feel a part of our adventure.
I'm taking our son with me so I'm "protected." If my son has to come off the trail for any reason, I've agreed not to continue on my own. (Dammit) Don't get the wrong idea, my son voluteered to be my hiking buddy when I was complaining about my other hiking buddies dropping out.
My husband gets to design my tattoo commemorating the journey when we get back. After all, he'll spend more time looking at it than I will.
Right now, he's running the shuttle service for us for our training/shakedown hikes.
He is a wonderful man and knows that I have been dreaming/fantasizing/obsessing about this trip since I was a teenager. He likes to make my dreams come true. He has found a way to help us finance our hike. Yes, while he stays home, works and takes care of the house, bills and animals. Did I mention what an amazing man he is?
We've been married 24 years and still like each other.
He gets his bennies too. I usually don't argue much about buying more musical instruments or computer stuff. I make sure he feels attended to. I try to put as much or more into our relationship as he does.
Is he comfortable with his wife and son taking off to the woods for 5-6 months? No, not really. He's watched WAY too many horror movies for that. On the other hand, he understands that I have an intense desire to do it and won't stand in my way. He doesn't understand my driving need to do this, but knows it's been a consuming passion of mine since long before we ever met. Besides, he knows I'll be coming home to him.
Dee
healthymom
The main reason I go to the woods is to get away from my Kids 19 - 23 x 3 lol, Wife enjoys overnighters but she leaves the weeklong hikes just to me. You need to develop the trust that whatever you do she's in it or maybe that comes with 25 years of marriage
Ladytrekker
06-01-2009, 12:58
Marriage and relationships are a compromise on both sides. But if your partner is trying to change you and make you not the person they fell in love with the relationship can make you bitter later. Try to talk it out and try to show her how important hiking is to you and how it fills a part of your life. If she doesn't get it she never will and it will be your decision if you are willing to give up what you love or just love what you have and no more. Good Luck.
Kerosene
06-01-2009, 13:10
I'm a long-term section hiker, and although my wife is remarkably accommodating about my hiking (and soccer, and workouts, and singing...), we came to a compromise that an 'extended week' (9 days spanning two consecutive weekends) a year is acceptable. Of course, she doesn't understand why it's important for me to cover a section every single year, but she ends up letting me go because all I end up thinking/talking about is the AT.
Of course, once I'm done with the AT there are a lot of other trails out there to tackle!
Buzz_Lightfoot
06-01-2009, 13:45
Is he comfortable with his wife and son taking off to the woods for 5-6 months? No, not really. He's watched WAY too many horror movies for that. On the other hand, he understands that I have an intense desire to do it and won't stand in my way. He doesn't understand my driving need to do this, but knows it's been a consuming passion of mine since long before we ever met. Besides, he knows I'll be coming home to him.
Dee
healthymom
You both are lucky to have each other. Sort of like me in my wife. :) My JoAnn actually told me it would be OK for me to quit work and do the trail and that she would get a second job to help with the bills. WoW. It was ME who nixed the idea. The guilt would kill me. It would be just plain wrong to live my dream at her expense. She insists it would be OK but it would not be OK with ME.
Retirement is coming. If I still have good enough health THEN I will go.
Good luck on your thru!
BL
My wife and I have been married 39 years. I have lots of freedom so long as I am home most of the time. My work takes me out of state 10-12 times each year for 3 to 5 days at a time. But that's good because it brings money in. My thru hike last year was more than she could take. As far as she was concerned there was no positives to be found in my being away so long. And it made no difference if I quit with all the investment of time and money, as long as she got me home! All the nice things I did for her before I left, including a new car, didn't mean squat to her. Her attitude added about 25 pounds to my pack!!! I terminated my hike in Maine with only 268 miles remaining.
We're still married though. Working on our 40th year.
On the plus side, I am returning to Maine on June 29th to complete the trail and she seems to be ok with it.
Here's a piece of advice: DON'T CALL HOME OFTEN. That's the worst thing you can do. I did that and it backfired.
Happy hiking. :sun
Blissful
06-01-2009, 19:48
If there are ways to involve her more in your hike, stay in contact, make her feel loved - that she is still a priority - in the midst of your love, and send some roses during your hike... :)
I stayed in contact with my hubby every few days. I made him involved in my decisions and my resupply. And I waited on him to support me.
Lemni Skate
06-01-2009, 20:44
Hiking the AT is my dream. I am sectioning it and have recently added my two kids to my adventure. My wife can actually out hike me, however (well I have the heavy backpack). She enjoys the hikes as diversions, but she's not obsessed like me. Due to my work situation (teacher-summers off), I can indulge myself and take long trips. I could, in theory do ten weeks each summer and finish the thing in three years without any trouble, but I can't make myself do it. I KNOW she'd never complain about it, but I would feel so guilty leaving her for the summer to drag herself off to work. So I'll end up doing two or three one week trips and a lot of day hiking and overnights in SNP (where I fully intend to hike all the trails some day) and vicinity.
She doesn't understand my obsession and desire to leave the "real world" behind for a while every now and then, but she understands that I'm that way and knows I'd be miserable if I didn't indulge once in a while.
Hey, I don't go out drinking, gambling and chasing women. I guess when you think of all the things I COULD be into, an addiction to hiking is fairly benign.
I'm blessed that she's the way she is, but it hasn't always been that way, we've grown into it. When we were first married (19 1/2 years ago), she couldn't stand for me to do anything without her. Now, she realizes I'm not all that interesting and lets me wander.
I guess my question is this. Is your significant other complaining about your hiking habit or do you more just pick up on little signals. She wants you to be around, that's a good thing. If she was too anxious for you to get out the door I'd be wondering who's coming in when I left.
This is a great site for hiking advice. If you are looking for relationship advice on this site. You are a moron.
lilypond
06-01-2009, 21:54
Marriage and relationships are a compromise on both sides. But if your partner is trying to change you and make you not the person they fell in love with the relationship can make you bitter later. Try to talk it out and try to show her how important hiking is to you and how it fills a part of your life. If she doesn't get it she never will and it will be your decision if you are willing to give up what you love or just love what you have and no more. Good Luck.
This is the song I am singing to my son- he is about to marry a young lady who doesn't like anything my son enjoys - hiking, nascar, history, etc. I keep telling him in time it will catch up to him but he thinks time will change things. He even had a hike related project he was on the verge of completing but gave it up because it takes time from her. He has hiked since he was 6 and I know he misses it because he keeps telling me he wants to get back to it. Besides if she can't text him to ask where he is and when is he coming home forget about it- that leaves the AT out!!!