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View Full Version : Explaining/Assuring/Relinguishing Fears



Diamond Diggs
08-28-2009, 16:05
Basically:

My MOTHER!

I have dreamed of thru-hiking the AT since I was 14 -when I caught the "springer fever" after watching "five million steps" on the edu. channel.
I have drove my parents crazy trying to share this passion and dream with them over the past couple of years. Its very frustrating! I want to share this experience with my parents. I want to have thier support in accomplishing the dream of Katahdin -GA2ME. But, it is almost always immediate neg. feedback the moment I bring it up, or the silent treatment - tryinig to avoid speaking of it at all bc they know it frustrates me.

My mother worries constantly - this is a problem for her, she just cant help herself. I have tried to explain away her fears and concerns, although she listens, i know she is not convinced.

Any suggestions on how or what can be said or done to help worrying family members accept my intentions of thru-hiking the AT.

stories/testimonies from any parents of younger daughters (18-30) who have completed solo thru-hikes would be great to pass along to mine.

thanks for your feedback!

Yahtzee
08-28-2009, 16:10
Typically, I would give a bunch of resources that a rational person might read and have the information somehow alleviate the fears. However, it sounds to me as if your mother is a worrier to the core. Any more info would only serve to feed the "hamster" running in her head. My mother has anxiety issues and I have found that the best way to handle them, for me and for her, is to essentially ignore them. If you pay attention or alter your path to cater to the behavior, the behavior will persist. As cruel as it may seem, I say just go. She is gonna worry either way. And possibly, though I doubt it, a successful trip by you might show her that you can handle yourself and she can handle the worry.

Best of luck.

Tuckahoe
08-28-2009, 18:53
You're 29 and an adult. If it something you intend to do, then you should do it. She simply has to accept it.

stranger
08-28-2009, 20:16
You might want to direct her to Whiteblaze cause the topic of thru-hiking isn't exactly uncommon, but as someone else said you're an adult and she will need to deal with it.

That doesn't mean she will accept it, and in my experiences your family is often the hardest group of people to understand any decision that goes outside the norm.

The first hike/experience/trip/move is always the hardest, after you go and the sky doesn't fall she will probably lighten up.

Captain
08-28-2009, 20:53
back before i went on my thru ( was canceled, didnt happen) my mother was the same, i would spend literaly days telling this statistic and that report and these odds of a rattlesnake bite and those odds of lightining strikes. In the end it comes down to she is limited to what she perceives in her own mind.. shes never been on the trail so she does not know what it is like, therefore i had to at a point tell her she can not like it all she wants but the choice she had to make was wether or not she was gonna support MY choice. it is a fools errand to try to keep someone who loves you from worrying..there are times when the only step to be taken is to limit the effect thier opinion has on you.

i am not saying family support is not important,and im also not saying she doesnt have a valid concern to a DEGREE, but one thing i noticed just in my own expierence trying to "talk" people through this is the more you TALK about it.. the more it seems like your seeking a stamp of approval from them...which you will never get 100%, but the moment you start saying THIS is what im doing and THIS is how it will happen..support me or dont, they may still not LIKE the idea..but ive found they tend to stop rambling on thier fears and opinions for you and if you need help with something,and ask politely they will likely help

Blissful
08-28-2009, 21:30
My dad was totally against it. In fact, he got downright mad I was going (I was 44 yrs old too). I let it go, until he realized I was going to do this anyway and his getting angry wouldn't change a thing. I involved them and kept them up to date on plans, and called frequently on the trail. I let them mail stuff to me and my son, like dehydrated food for the Smokies. And eventually they went along on the journey with me and liked getting the updates. And had big congratulation signs posted on their street when we got done.

Parents are gonna worry. All you can do is reassure them and involve them as best you can, and let their concern go so you can concentrate on what you want to do.

John B
08-29-2009, 07:04
This week there was an article in the New York Times about a 17 yr. old kid who sailed solo around the world. Maybe show that to your mommy and point out that, by contrast, you'll rarely be more than a couple of hours from a highway.

superman
08-29-2009, 07:23
Time to cut mom loose.:rolleyes:

Tinker
08-29-2009, 08:24
How about the 8 year old wingwalker from Great Britain? He, however, had his mum's blessing since she had done it when younger.
If you have a dream, pursue it. You'll be happier for it.

slowandlow
08-30-2009, 16:06
This always works. Tell her that you have decided to take up motorcycle racing or whitewater kayaking, and watch how fast her approval rating of hiking shoots up.

Jester2000
08-30-2009, 17:02
While the posters here who say that you're an adult and can do anything you want are correct, I know that doesn't exactly solve your problem.

And I know that your mom's fear isn't exactly rational, so pointing out to her that statistically speaking the trail is very safe probably won't do it either.

For some of us, trying to mitigate our parents' fear is important to us -- we don't want to stress them out any more than we have to. But in this case you'll probably have to. Stress your mom out, that is. At least at the beginning.

But once you get started and call her regularly to tell her you're okay, and let her know what a great time you're having and the wonderful people you've met, she'll worry less.

She may never go from wary parent to gung-ho hiker mom the way mine has, but she'll at least get used to it.

I'm sure there are plenty of women on whiteblaze who will be able to reassure your mom about a young woman hiking the trail. If there aren't, PM me and I'll send you the phone #s of some who will.

Egads
08-30-2009, 17:20
You're 29 and an adult. If it something you intend to do, then you should do it. She simply has to accept it.


Time to cut mom loose.:rolleyes:


While the posters here who say that you're an adult and can do anything you want are correct, I know that doesn't exactly solve your problem.

I don't think you can eliminate your mom's fears. You are an adult and are responsible for yourself now, plan it and do it. Keep them apprised of your progress

mudhead
08-30-2009, 17:36
While the posters here who say that you're an adult and can do anything you want are correct, I know that doesn't exactly solve your problem.

And I know that your mom's fear isn't exactly rational, so pointing out to her that statistically speaking the trail is very safe probably won't do it either.

For some of us, trying to mitigate our parents' fear is important to us -- we don't want to stress them out any more than we have to. But in this case you'll probably have to. Stress your mom out, that is. At least at the beginning.

But once you get started and call her regularly to tell her you're okay, and let her know what a great time you're having and the wonderful people you've met, she'll worry less.

She may never go from wary parent to gung-ho hiker mom the way mine has, but she'll at least get used to it.

I'm sure there are plenty of women on whiteblaze who will be able to reassure your mom about a young woman hiking the trail. If there aren't, PM me and I'll send you the phone #s of some who will.

A praiseworthy response. And a nice offer.

shelterbuilder
08-30-2009, 18:21
How about the 8 year old wingwalker from Great Britain? He, however, had his mum's blessing since she had done it when younger.
If you have a dream, pursue it. You'll be happier for it.

There is a kernel of truth in here that shouldn't be overlooked: "He, however, had his mum's blessing since she had done it when she was younger."

Is it possible for you to take YOUR mom out on some short, easy hikes someplace where she can see what's involved and possibly meet some other hikers? This may help her to get a grip on her fears.

When I was much younger than you are now, I had "mom-fear troubles" - she panicked whenever I so much as looked at my pack! And she remained like this for years - until I started planning short, easy overnights for the two of us. Yeah, she freaked out over every little sound at night, yeah, she sometimes felt uncomfortable meeting "strangers" in the woods - but she began to see some of the things that made me love the woods so much, and she also came to understand that, even if things didn't go according to plan all of the time, I was STILL able to handle myself well enough to avoid all of the "disasters" that she had previously foreseen.

She still worried, but most of the irrational fears disappeared after she saw "my world" for herself.:banana

Rain Man
08-30-2009, 21:10
stories/testimonies from any parents of younger daughters (18-30) who have completed solo thru-hikes would be great to pass along to mine. thanks for your feedback!

I was going to email you, but you don't accept email. Learn that from mom?

If you'll shoot me an email, I'll put you in touch with my 25-year-old daughter, who thru-d when she turned 20. She'll be happy to discuss with you if you like.

Rain:sunMan

.

Diamond Diggs
09-02-2009, 23:24
heehe! No, there should not be a problem sending me a message here on WB. I dunno why you were unable, maybe try again if it is no trouble, if that does not work.... i can send you my contact info. Thanks for your willingness.

Just letting my mother read the replies on this thread seems to be helping her a great deal..... (hope its not a put on til march!)

Hooch
09-02-2009, 23:31
TV, it was nice meeting you at the Speer Hammocks booth at Trail Daze this year. I wish you the best of luck and nothing but success for your thru. I hope your mom comes around on this subject. I'm sure it can be hard for parents to let go, regardless of your age. After all, a mom never stops being a mom. Best wishes for a great thru! :D

Diamond Diggs
09-02-2009, 23:39
Hey man! I have been thinkin that I needed to find you..... I am looking for a good winter setup! I thinkin lite weight, and I am thinkin something that will work on my HH mod. as well as a new hammock that I have not yet purchased - also lite..... but this is for another thread - send me a message about what you think about it, i would love to get your input!