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hellomolly
03-11-2010, 12:42
In my curiosity (and boredom) I have been reading the trailjournals of people who have completed thruhikes in the past few years. A lot of people talk about the relationships they form on the trail, but fewer talk about the relationships they basically put on hold when they start the trail and then presumably come back to after finishing.

I'm curious as to how the various types of relationships thruhikers have before a hike (best friend, close friends, significant others, parents, etc) changed, or didn't, over the course of a hike and what may have contributed to any of those changes. One thruhiker wrote in their journal that all their friendships basically fell apart after coming back because they felt differently. Another wrote that he almost ended up breaking up with his wife over the course of the hike, though they ultimately stayed together. Others seem to report stronger relationships by the finish.

Anyone care to share what changed, if anything, in your various relationships from the start of your thruhike to the end, and why?

Manwich
03-11-2010, 12:44
Some people I met on the trail 2 years ago were apart of a hiking club. I joined up with it and I've got a good 20 friends that I see every few months out of it.

HiKen2011
03-11-2010, 12:46
As I contemplate a thru hike this spring I would also be interested to know!:-?

Blissful
03-11-2010, 12:49
I don't think any my relationships suffered for it, save my son who decided after the trail he wanted to live the AT lifestyle no matter what. And left to do just that (though at least he is finally living in an apt with some guys and not his car)

About the only thing I felt when I got back is that I "owed" my hubby time together in something he liked. So we did theater together that fall. But he was my biggest cheerleader and still is. We just do our own things and help each other. But we have also been married 20 yrs.

Lion King
03-11-2010, 12:51
For me, a lot changed. Ive lost more then one girlfriend because of my love of hiking...you would figure I would stop dating 'Uptown Girls' by now...


People at home DONT Change, and that is the issue, because you most certainly will.

You may get home and find old friends dont get you at all, or that you really enjoy certain peoples company a lot less after your mind has had a chance to grow as it does on the trail.

I 'lost' a few friends when I got home because I realized...well...I wasnt anything like them anymore, but the friends you make on the trail are solid. Its amazing to me that I communicate with people Ive known through the trail for over ten years. and people I spent every waking hour with pre-hiking life, I dont even know if they are alive or dead.

if you go without your girl or boy, that relationship can die if it isnt already super strong and committed. 100%

HiKen2011
03-11-2010, 12:51
How about husband's and wives? I'm married with a nine year old at home. They do plan to visit me from time to time, however I am still concerned about the time away and how that may affect my relationship with. :-?

d.o.c
03-11-2010, 12:55
i kinda felt really out of the loop so many thngs happend to ur freinds and their families when u get back u missed alot of stuff. i have also lost a few of freinds over the trail the stories are to long to write but it def shows u who is your real freinds when u leave for a good part of a year and return with smiles and hugs and nugs

Lion King
03-11-2010, 12:58
How about husband's and wives? I'm married with a nine year old at home. They do plan to visit me from time to time, however I am still concerned about the time away and how that may affect my relationship with. :-?

if they love you and are behind this crazy idea, then you are fine.

it will test your resolve and your need to hike and when **** hits the fan on the trail and you are soaked for a month solid and the bugs are ripping the flesh from every exposed inch of your skin and the backs of your feet look like raw hamburger and you ache and you are so hungry and you cant stand the thought of another day away from your family...then the test will hit you.

You will think, "Wow, sure would be nice to wake up with my wife, sit at the table and have a talk with my kid over some coffee and dry clothes after a shave and a shower.

reality, all part of the myth.

HiKen2011
03-11-2010, 13:03
Good point, Thanks.

Lone Wolf
03-11-2010, 13:04
i could write a book on married folks that hit the trail and cheated on their spouse. some stayed married, some divorced and married the trail fling. happens a lot

HiKen2011
03-11-2010, 13:08
I would not consider cheating on my wife, but I'm sure alot of folks do. I f she is supporting me in this the least I could do is be faithful while I am away:banana

Mags
03-11-2010, 13:08
I

I'm curious as to how the various types of relationships thruhikers have before a hike (best friend, close friends, significant others, parents, etc)

I missed my friends when I was gone quite a bit. I don't feel the relationship suffered as 4-5 mos in the 'real world' goes by a LOT quicker than in the trail world. I was barely gone from their perspective. (Esp on the CDT when I stopped in Boulder about halfway through).

More thoughts on the post-trail life here. (http://www.pmags.com/joomla/index.php/Outdoor-Writings/post-trail.html) :) More from a hiker's perspective, but some of it does deal with relationships (friends, family, and romantic ones).



Any longing was on my part. When two closes friends had their first child, I was in Yellowstone and wished I was there for it. (Almost 4 yrs later, he calls me Uncle Mags. When the second child was born this past year, I picked up my friend's Mom from the airport. We are that close). I think it would be even harder to leave now as my close friends ARE family to me. But, again, that would be on me as opposed to the people not on the trail.

FWIW, a friend I've known since Catholic school is still a very close friend. Even though I've hiked 3 multi-month trails and have moved 2000 miles away. Ditto another friend I've known since we worked in a hospital kitchen together 20 years ago. So the trails can change dynamics with friends...or if they are really close, the friendships can be strengthened.

I am also fortunate that I live in area where it is not unheard of to take off for weeks (if not months) at a time. Be it climbing, trekking, traveling, what-have-you. People understand.

An an aside, one buddy I met on the PCT is now one of my closest friends as well. He ended up moving to Boulder and I'll be the best man in his upcoming wedding. Our trail experiences cemented the friendship.



A romantic relationship may be different. I have yet to be away for an extended period of time when involved in a serious relationship. Can't really speak of that.

Lion King
03-11-2010, 13:13
Good point, Thanks.

youre welcome.

and not trying to push you off the idea, just throwing out what you will have to deal with on a constant basis.

People think its all roses and candy.


it aint.

berkshirebirder
03-11-2010, 14:52
I think a relationship that breaks because of a six-month separation probably would break eventually over any number of things.

Is it the "You'd rather do that than be with me" thing?

Ox97GaMe
03-11-2010, 17:01
Molly,
Being apart on the trail isnt much different than being apart for any other reason. You will hear all kinds of stories, both positive and negative about relationships on the trail. Each situation is unique because it involves different individuals. If you spend all your time worrying about whether your boyfriend will meet someone on the trial and not want to come back to you, then you are basically setting that into universe to perhaps become reality. Relationships are built on trust. You need to trust that he loves you enough to not want to be looking for anything else and that he is strong enough to avoid any temptations that may be presented. It would be no different if he were going off to college, into the military, or moving to another town for a new job.

Bottom line is that if you support his dreams (now and in the future) you are already ahead of the game when compared to someone new that might come into his life.

Pony
03-11-2010, 17:06
The last time I hit the trail, my girlfriend was pretty salty about it, but I realized it had nothing to do with me being gone. In her mind, she thought I wanted to be away from her, and that I was living the good life, getting drunk and chasing women.

A few months after I came back we did a weeklong section hike together. This helped her understanding immensly. Once she realized that most of the time you're tired, dirty, sore, hungry, etc. and not just boozing and chasing women, (at least I'm not, I know some people are) she became a lot more supportive. This time she's more interested and involved in my upcoming hike.

hellomolly
03-11-2010, 20:51
Interesting reading... thanks for the insight...

Ox97game, I appreciate what you wrote. I don't want it to come off like I don't trust my boyfriend. I do, and I absolutely support him hiking. I just know that this whole experience can be, according to some people, a pretty life-changing one and not being a real part of it, outside of the support and mail drops and phone calls and such, is stressful. I don't think he's going to go off with some random chick on the trail, lol. I was more thinking about the ways in which people change while on the trail and how that affects their relationships, either for better or worst, with the people who stayed behind and who presumably didn't "change" much... if that makes any sense!

hellomolly
03-11-2010, 20:54
I think a relationship that breaks because of a six-month separation probably would break eventually over any number of things.

Is it the "You'd rather do that than be with me" thing?

Very good point! I'm not sure if that last bit was directed specifically at me, but if it was, no, that's not the case. I have no qualms about him (my boyfriend) hiking - I'm proud of him for attempting such a difficult undertaking.

Rocket Jones
03-11-2010, 21:17
How about husband's and wives? I'm married with a nine year old at home. They do plan to visit me from time to time, however I am still concerned about the time away and how that may affect my relationship with. :-?

Something that may surprise you is how independent and self-reliant your family becomes while you're away. It's not that they don't need you, but they learn to deal with things that you used to take care of. A lot of military members learn that, and a big part of the adjustment is learning where you fit into the new dynamic of the family. You can't expect them to behave as if you just went to the corner store for milk and everything is exactly as you left it.

sbhikes
03-11-2010, 22:03
I didn't make that many friends on the trail. I mostly said hello and goodbye really quickly, preferring my solitude.

I left my boyfriend at home. I'm lucky because we're both mature and don't have all that jealousy BS that younger people deal with. He was so supportive to send me things, help me when my tent broke, take care of the parrots all by himself (oh my what a HUGE imposition that was!)

I carried with me a picture of him and me on a backpacking trip we took together. When I felt lonely I would set the picture up in my tent and look at it. I would call him when I had a chance, but sometimes I wouldn't call him even if I did have reception because I really enjoyed my solitude. He was so nice and understanding about that.

When my hike was finished, he came to the end of the trail to meet me and try to hike the final days with me. But we missed each other somehow so I ended my hike all alone. He figured it out and everything worked out. We drove home together.

It was strange to come home. Such a long time away from TV and living in the forest really changes a person. He was very understanding about it, but I could tell some things were trying for him. He would have to prompt me from time-to-time to bathe. I'm sure that my desire to live forever the trail life was disconcerting to him, but he didn't pester me about getting a job right away.

I had originally thought that if I hiked the PCT maybe he would consider not working so darn hard all the time and take some time to have adventures and live his life more fully. I knew he would never quit his job and come with me, but I hoped that he would see what the trail did for me and want to do it himself someday and maybe it would change him like it changed me and we could take a new direction in life. So far he's thinking of taking 5 weeks off from his job to hike the trail. That's great news! All those times I thought to myself that I wished he could be her alone to share this with me will finally happen.

So anyway, relationships can be strengthened or weakened but it all depends on the quality of the relationship at the start. If you are lucky like I am, it will all work out.

singing wind
03-11-2010, 22:41
hellomolly - every journey and person/relationship is unique and specific to that time and moment. Typically I'm away (meaning out of the country) for 1-3 months, sometimes out long distance hiking. My bf prefers to stay close to home and has a very significant support role. We do our best to stay in touch by phone and mail. Although we're usually pretty up to date there's usually alot of catch up when I get home - especially as I'm going through reentry and adjusting to life off the trail.

I think the journeys taught us about our selves and relationship in ways that were both expected and unexpected. Yes, I miss him and vice versa, but the learning and growth from being apart has become as valuable in some ways as the time we spend together. Communication, trust, and honesty - and patience are key.

I appreciate your inquiry and question as it seems like folks tend to look more to the practical physical aspects of a journey, ie planning, hiking, and logistical support. It's nice to see someone exploring the deeper emotional/psychological side as it's definately there.

Appalachian Tater
03-11-2010, 23:08
A lot of people do a thru hike when they are already at some kind of crossroads. Five months of walking gives you a lot of time to think. All that thinking can't help but change the way you think and feel about things and value them and that will affect all your relationships in addition to the separation.

ce_rubicon
03-11-2010, 23:33
Although i have never thru-hiked I would see no differance between hiking the At for 6 months and what out troops do. They go away for a year at a time for deployments or remote assignments.

hellomolly
03-12-2010, 09:23
Although i have never thru-hiked I would see no differance between hiking the At for 6 months and what out troops do. They go away for a year at a time for deployments or remote assignments.


I think there's a significant difference in being sent out as part of a mission that you have to go on, no choice about it, as part of a military operation, and someone choosing to take a trip that they don't have to go on because they want to. I also think there's a big difference between the day-to-day life of deployment and the day-to-day life of thruhiking the AT. People come back from war and are different.. but not in the same way, I would imagine, that people come back from a thruhike and are different. Maybe I'm wrong because I haven't experienced either but I can't imagine they're the same.

Hawkwind61
03-12-2010, 10:08
I think a relationship that breaks because of a six-month separation probably would break eventually over any number of things.

Is it the "You'd rather do that than be with me" thing?
Agreed. My spouse of 30 years hates that I have 'picked up where I left off' from when I was 18 in relation to backpacking.

He hates my backpacking and hates my overnights. He goes nuts when people ask me how my plans to hike the AT sometime within the next couple of years are going. So if I'm not divorced by the time I get to my thru-hike...I won't be surprised if I face divorce papers when I return.

In all truth our relationship has been on the rocks for quite a while. We've had separate bedrooms for over 5 years. I stayed to help with his dying sister. (We lost her to cancer last year.) And now he, his father, and his mother all have various forms of cancer. His is operable, his father's is not and we are waiting word on his mothers.

I won't 'kick a man when he is down'. So I suck it up, help as best I can, and live my life around appointments and treatments. The trail will be there when I'm ready. It's more important to me that I support three people my kids love and cherish.

Hawkwind61
03-12-2010, 10:13
Although i have never thru-hiked I would see no differance between hiking the At for 6 months and what out troops do. They go away for a year at a time for deployments or remote assignments.
Well said. My son's have been deployed quite a bit. My oldest has been overseas for nearly 3 years now and is looking at three more. (He does get home about once a year.)

My middle son has a family. Over the past 7 years I have spent at least a few weeks if not months with his family each year during his various deployments.

My spouse wasn't happy to have me be away during any of those trips even though it was in support of our sons family.

Separation is very difficult for some people and families. Some grow stronger during those times and some do not.

Hawkwind61
03-12-2010, 10:23
I think there's a significant difference in being sent out as part of a mission that you have to go on, no choice about it, as part of a military operation, and someone choosing to take a trip that they don't have to go on because they want to. I also think there's a big difference between the day-to-day life of deployment and the day-to-day life of thruhiking the AT. People come back from war and are different.. but not in the same way, I would imagine, that people come back from a thruhike and are different. Maybe I'm wrong because I haven't experienced either but I can't imagine they're the same.
Actually, in many ways it is the same.

Yes my middle son came home from his time in Iraq different. And my oldest had quite a few life changing epiphanies while stationed in South Korea for a year.

But I can tell you that each time I have been gone from my spouse while being with my son's family I came home different as well.

My spouse has not been happy with the changes in me. I've become much more determined to follow my dream of hiking the AT and other various trails.

He would rather I become a home-body and couch-potato like him. It's not going to happen. Each time I flew over an area where there was a trail system I haven't explored yet it was like my heart leaped with excitement. I would look down at the land below the plane and my first though would be: I have got to come back here and hike those trails.

My spouse just doesn't understand that hiking fires my blood. I wish he did. I understand how excited he gets when he's heading out for a week up at Lake Ontario to fish for salmon. But it does not go both ways.

berkshirebirder
03-12-2010, 10:30
Separation is very difficult for some people and families. Some grow stronger during those times and some do not. --Hawkwind

This is so true. I wished you luck on the other thread, Hawkwind--but I see now it's more complicated than just going on a long hike. You have a major caretaking role right now. On the other hand, you might benefit from a brief break from it (that's not unheard of and is often recommended). Would making a few long weekend hikes somewhere along the trail be a good compromise for the time being?

Snowleopard
03-12-2010, 10:48
There can be a certain amount of culture shock when returning from a different culture. It can take some time to readjust and both partners need to recognize this. The classical situation is for peace corps volunteers who spend 2 years in a third world country where everything is different from home. For thru hikers it may not be as extreme, but they may spend 5 months outside, not working (at a job), never seeing a mall or a movie or a traffic jam, or see their partner or family. For some people it can take a while to readjust.
Even on the shorter hikes I've gone on, it was difficult for me to spend a whole day inside at work for the first few weeks back; after a couple of hours inside I'd become tremendously restless. Fortunately, I could slip outside for little walks.
I think that there is a difference between the effects of a military deployment to combat zones and a thru-hike. Both may have some degree of culture shock and require a period of readjustment to normal life. But, thru-hikers seldom experience the severe physical or emotional trauma and PTSD is probably not a factor as it is for many returned military.

Hawkwind61
03-12-2010, 10:57
This is so true. I wished you luck on the other thread, Hawkwind--but I see now it's more complicated than just going on a long hike. You have a major caretaking role right now. On the other hand, you might benefit from a brief break from it (that's not unheard of and is often recommended). Would making a few long weekend hikes somewhere along the trail be a good compromise for the time being?
Thank you BB. That is exactly what I am going to be doing this year. Caretaking is emotionally exhausting. I have one longish hike planned with my dear friend and hiking partner and I'm probably going to take off a few other times this year by myself. I find restoration and renewal in the wilds. :sun A day or two alone on the trails and I can face my caregiver responsibilities with a new-found calm and serenity.

sbhikes
03-12-2010, 11:18
He hates my backpacking and hates my overnights. He goes nuts when people ask me how my plans to hike the AT sometime within the next couple of years are going. So if I'm not divorced by the time I get to my thru-hike...I won't be surprised if I face divorce papers when I return.

It is very sad when a spouse doesn't support the things that make you happy. I hope there's a good outcome for you. People need to go do the things they dream of. Too many people let things get in the way. The world needs more people who've come alive and less who put their dreams away to be dutiful.

Carbo
03-12-2010, 16:00
... People need to go do the things they dream of. Too many people let things get in the way. The world needs more people who've come alive and less who put their dreams away to be dutiful.

Awhile ago someone said to me, "As each minute passes, your life is coming to an end."
This woke me up from my "daze" and got me off my butt. I think of that phrase whenever I have doubts about following my heart.

slowandlow
03-12-2010, 17:41
I think what causes a lot of change in thru hikers is the freedom. In normal life a person has schedules to meet, bosses telling them what to do, spouses needing things. Basically being pulled in many directions at once by different things.

Long distance hiking gives one freedom from all those things. You have a singular goal or mission which is to get to the end, and are otherwise mostly free to do whatever you want all of the time.

When a person returns to regular life and has experienced this freedom on the trail it can be difficult to be subjected to the restraints placed upon them by others. This can lead to strain in relationships created before the hike.

My $.02. YMMV, etc.

vonfrick
03-12-2010, 18:20
A lot of people do a thru hike when they are already at some kind of crossroads. Five months of walking gives you a lot of time to think. All that thinking can't help but change the way you think and feel about things and value them and that will affect all your relationships in addition to the separation.

after 12 years he had found his hobby and i finally had the time to pursue mine (my daughter had grown). we were growing apart as it was but the 'hiking lifestyle' was incongruos with the role i was expected to play as wife, mother, hostess, etc. my long summer trips (i teach...and i was faithful btw) were the catalyst for the divorce that probably should have occurred years earlier.

you need to try to be who you really are before you die

sbhikes
03-12-2010, 21:41
you need to try to be who you really are before you die

Wow, even after spending so much of my time these last two years hiking the trail and trying to live an authentic life, the statement is still really powerful.

superman
03-12-2010, 22:16
I know a number of young folks who hiked the AT in 2000 and they've had children since then. It seems to me that their kids have won the lottery of life by having such great parents. Maybe their having thru hiked contributed to that.:)

prain4u
03-13-2010, 00:06
I have been an Army National Guard chaplain for nearly 13 years. During the past eight years, I have dealt with thousands of Soldiers, couples and families who have experienced long-term separation due to the current conflicts in Afghanistan and Iraq.

In terms of the impact upon relationships, I would say that there are many similarities between a separation caused by a long term military deployment and a separation caused by a six month thru hike of the AT.

There are also many IMPORTANT differences. On a military deployment, you get paid a salary and you receive many benefits--such as health and life insurance. However, on a thru hike, you often give up a dependable source of income, you spend money, and usually have no insurance. (This loss of income and benefits can place a BIG strain on relationships--and give the appearance of the hiker being irresponsible.). Military deployments are sometimes VOLUNTARY. Thru hikes are almost ALWAYS voluntary. On a thru hike, you rarely have people trying to kill you.

I have made several significant observations when dealing with couples who have been separated due to a military deployment..........

Relationships that were strong and healthy PRIOR to the time of separation--usually remained strong and healthy both during and after the period of separation.

Relationships that were NOT strong and healthy PRIOR to the period of separation, generally DID NOT get stronger or healthier during (and after) the period of separation. (In fact, such relationships usually tended to deteriorate and come to an end). In such cases, absence DID NOT make the heart grow fonder!

My guess is that the same thing would be true of couples separated by a thru hike. Strong/healthy relationships will survive (and perhaps thrive) during a thru hike. Relationships that have problems will generally see those problems get worse because of the thru hike.

robin31
12-18-2011, 22:23
I think what causes a lot of change in thru hikers is the freedom. In normal life a person has schedules to meet, bosses telling them what to do, spouses needing things. Basically being pulled in many directions at once by different things.

Long distance hiking gives one freedom from all those things. You have a singular goal or mission which is to get to the end, and are otherwise mostly free to do whatever you want all of the time.

When a person returns to regular life and has experienced this freedom on the trail it can be difficult to be subjected to the restraints placed upon them by others. This can lead to strain in relationships created before the hike.

My $.02. YMMV, etc.


Oh so very true...

MissMagnolia
12-19-2011, 04:53
I appreciate this conversation. I feel very lucky that even though I haven't gone long distance hiking yet, my family and friends must know me pretty well by now. They don't bother saying I'm crazy or trying to scare me, and some, like my Dad, are even excited and inspired. My Dad had some heart problems, a stent and a possible stroke around Thanksgiving. Part of me is afraid of what could happen to him while I'm gone. But he loves that I'm doing this hike and he had just read 300 Zeros (which I gave him on Kindle after I read it), and he is doing his rehab so he can plan his own dream trip, a motorcycle ride through the Florida Keys. My planning and doing this hike has improved my relationship with my Dad already, and inspired him to get healthier. He now walks 3.5 miles a day and has lost 30 pounds. I think we'll inspire each other and now I have a stronger motivation to successfully complete my thru-hike.

endubyu
12-19-2011, 06:21
Part of our growth is growing the people around us

Chaco Taco
12-19-2011, 08:28
I closed a chapter of my life when I went to hike. Sold all of my stuff, stored what was left in a closet at my mom's and went hiking. Took a bus to Asheville, met the girl that would become my wife and went on a first date, hiked for a month, then reunited with the same girl for our second date at Traildays and a walk from there to Maine. Got married in 10. Still act like we just started dating! Life is good!

Met some of the nicest people. We were in a bubble of really good people, most of which went on to finish. Still friends with some of those people today, some were at our wedding. Then there is this Thunder guy. Yea he's alright! :)

Johnny Thunder
12-19-2011, 09:17
Then there is this Thunder guy. Yea he eats sandwiches:)

i see what you're saying there chac and i'll go right ahead and finish it...

the trail can change you, or it won't. whichever. for me, it definitely cast some light on things i was doing for the sake of doing them and not because i wanted to. one of those things was the relationship i was in. and the career. and the life plan. ok, i'm changed. you happy?

but that doesn't mean you should go out and nab the first hiker chick or dude you can score. believe me, that might not work either. you have to find someone you're going to be able to grow with...maybe that person is your current partner. maybe that person is at your next joke job. maybe that person is the daughter of a nice lady who picks you and 10 of your smelly friends up from outside a gas station and takes you home to be showered and fed and safe from the rain. who knows?

i guess what i'm talking about is partnership. chac and wak got it. if you're in a relationship that's not a partnership then the trail's probably going to kill it.