View Full Version : How supportive is your spouse
Hi, New here and I enjoy all the company. My wife and I are going to do a short section hike in late April. I'm 77 and my wife is 71. We've been planning now for a year. For all you thruhikers and future thru hikers who are married here is my comment and question. It takes a lot of planning involving purchases of gear, whether to maildrop,planning your stop overs and etc. So essentially it could be a self center hobby or maybe spouse participation.Now my question for all past, present and future thruhikers. How supportive was your spouse in knowing that you will be away from home and family for a period of approximately 6 months .
Well I have no plans for a thru, but fortunately, my lady friend prefers to spend her evenings reviewing maps and trail guides, weighting and tweaking her gear, fixing worn items, etc.. I recently asked her what she would like to do "special" for her 30th Bday? She responded, lets do a week on the AT...
So to answer your question, it's a mutual pleasure, so we support one another..
double d
03-12-2010, 03:23
double 7, I'm sure your wife will understand once you explain in detail what it means to you and at 77, you gotta do it brother.
I'm not doing a thru hike but I am getting ready to go on a 2 month section hike and my wife is supportive. She's not thrilled about it mind you but she gets why it's important to me to finish. She's been on 3 weekend section hikes with me and knows what I'll be doing pretty much.
She and the kids are going to pick me up in ME and we're going to make a vacation out of the trip back to NC.
Mrs Baggins
03-12-2010, 06:28
Much to hubby's great surprise I became more avid about it than he is! We set out on a thru together in 2007 (injury took us off the trail) and we plan lots more hikes together. Problem is, I have far more tiime than he has and want to get out there more often on my own but he gets upset about being left behind and complains about how "unfair" it is. I don't let that bother me much because he went on many trips when the kids were little and I was "left behind" to take care of them. MY turn now!
Hawkwind61
03-12-2010, 09:46
I'm hoping to get to my thru-hike sometime within the next couple of years. (I would really love to turn 50 on the trail! I'll be 49 later this year...)
Back to the question:
My spouse hates my hiking and backpacking and hates whenever I overnight. I'll be doing Rhode Islands North-South Trail this coming summer as a thru-hike and he's already grumpy about it.
I don't feel my desire to backpack and thru-hike is selfish at all. I married and raised a family. Two things I never planned on doing as I'm a bit of a gypsy at heart. Back when we found out we were expecting our first I was devastated as I had been hoping to travel across the country stopping to backpack here and there along the way.
I've been wanting to thru-hike the AT since I was in my teens and got my first taste of it in the Whites of New Hampshire. That was on my 'to-do' list for my 20's.
My spouse made a promise to me at that time. He had told me that when the baby grew up we would do all the things I was giving up. We ended up having two more children. (I'm that little percentage of bc failure they tell you about in sex-ed class...)
Now I do not regret having my children for one moment even though I never planned on having kids of my own. I focused on my family with all my heart and still do. I home-schooled two of my kids, put my husband through night classes for his job and happily packed him off a couple times a year to go fishing up at Lake Ontario. Two of my sons are in the Air Force and my middle son has a family of his own. Over the past 7 years I've traveled across the country at least once a year to stay with his family while he was deployed.
So it's with some serious dismay on my part that my spouse has become a home-body that resents me picking up where I left off when I was 18. He no longer wants to travel, backpack, and camp with me. And that is his choice. But I feel it is unfair of him to not want me to follow my dreams when I worked so hard to help all his dreams come to fruition over the past 30 years.
Since I know I cannot count on him to help out I'll be making alternative arrangements. My daughter lives within an hour of me and now so does my middle son and his family. I have a couple friends that are also avid backpackers. So between them all I'll make arrangements with them for my mail drops and such.
And this may sound extreme: but if I'm not divorced before I hit the trail...I fully expect to be presented with divorce papers when I get back. My spouse really is that furious about me returning to one of my great loves...backpacking. Every time I mention the AT or someone amidst our family and friends asks me if I still plan on hiking the AT he just about come unraveled.
Whoo! Boy!!
My wife is not an outdoors person. For her camping is what we do in our 35' Class A Motor Home, with the Sleep Number Bed, Home Theater, Microwave Convection Oven, and Washer Dryer Combination.
She has always appreciated and supported the time I spent with our 3 sons High Adventuring with the Boy Scouts. After almost 34 years together, we recognize and are comfortable with the notion of "My Time", "Your Time", and "Our Time".
When it comes to my thru-hike, I have to say she's reluctantly supportive. She's agreed to be my shuttle service for the cool breeze hike, and to meet up with me at least once a month while I'm on the trail. But, she's not ready to spend the summer living in the MH, and running supply. She needs and wants to be closer to home to do her hobbies, and spend time with our 8 grandchildren.
My wife is as supportive as she can be. I am leaving a large responsibility behind.She has to take care of our 5 and 8 year old kids,work full time, and do everything else.Still, she wants me to go and enjoy this moment(maybee not for 5 months though). The truth is, I kept looking for her approval to do this, yet all the while she was giving it to me. I realized i was the one who was searching for approval inside.
berkshirebirder
03-12-2010, 10:17
After almost 34 years together, we recognize and are comfortable with the notion of "My Time", "Your Time", and "Our Time". --TuneyI think this is a key factor, and it's nice if it comes into play early in a relationship as well as later. Doing your own thing allows you to grow as an individual, and that's healthy in a relationship (as long as it applies to both partners equally).
Good luck, Hawkwind. It sounds as if you're in a tough spot. I hope you'll be able to take advantage of the support of other family members and friends and that your husband will eventually see that you deserve to do something you've always wanted to. He may just be worried about what he sees as risks.
Blissful
03-12-2010, 10:40
Wow my hubby was very supportive in '07 with my hike and is with my desire to go SOBO this summer and fall. Without his support I would not be able to do it. I can tell you though, when I wanted to go SOBO he was not thrilled. I always give it time. I allow him to do things he likes too and be supportive of him. Even back in '07 he did not want us to go. I gave it time. Was there. Let the dream lie. And suddenly he wanted me to go. It really has to become something you both do together in one way or the other. Even if one stays and the other goes.
I just know if my husband was totally against it and my marriage hung in the balance, I could not go and enjoy it. I didn't marry him so I could do the AT (though it was a lifelong dream of mine way before I met him) I married him because I love him and it was what we were supposed to do with the blessing of family and God. We were right for each other. And I cannot love the AT over him or something is really wrong with my motives in my marriage and in life and why I am here on this earth.
Maybe this is what your husband is sensing, Hawkwind. He is not (or maybe never was) number one in your life and the apple of your eye. That you only tolerated him and your kids until you could break free and fly away. I might look into counseling. The idea of divorce because of the AT or any hike is sad. And symptomatic of something far more troubling in each of your lives. But this is only my opinion.
hellomolly
03-12-2010, 11:00
Well I'm not a thruhiker, but my b/f is currently hiking the trail in the hopes of completing a thruhike. It's only been a bit over a week but he's had the desire to do the hike for as long as I've known him (almost 4 years). At first I thought he was nuts. It worried me a ton. Then I read books about the trail.. the first one, Walking With Spring, he gave me to read.
Once it got closer to reality, I picked up books on my own... read trailjournals on my own... posted on this site on my own, lol... and familiarized myself with what a thruhike is like. That put my worries somewhat at ease.
I like to think I'm really supportive, lol! :cool: I'm organizing his mail drops, keeping his friends informed of his status on the trail, helped him move out of his apartment (and did the last bit of moving myself when it got down to the wire and there wasn't enough time), helped him take his car 3 hours away and back to his parents house, and am watching his dog for the entirety of his hike. Happily, I might add.
Aside from the worrying about him getting sick or hurt, and the jealousy that he is doing something really amazing and I'm not :(, and of course missing him, I am glad he's doing this. I'm ridiculously proud of him and tell everyone who asks about it.
The fact that I love hiking and would be out there with him if not for my job/financial situation probably has something to do with it. I don't really understand spouses or signifncant others who begrudge their partner the desire to do something like this... it is a pretty ego-centered activity but it sure isn't a walk in the park either!
Hawkwind61
03-12-2010, 11:08
Thank you berkshirebirder.
Blissful, I did do counseling, by myself for many long years. I did my best to put my whole heart into my family. He had no interest in becoming a working part of our relationship until it was too late. There are other issues, but I would rather not go into them.
Wow my hubby was very supportive in '07 with my hike and is with my desire to go SOBO this summer and fall. Without his support I would not be able to do it. I can tell you though, when I wanted to go SOBO he was not thrilled. I always give it time. I allow him to do things he likes too and be supportive of him. Even back in '07 he did not want us to go. I gave it time. Was there. Let the dream lie. And suddenly he wanted me to go. It really has to become something you both do together in one way or the other. Even if one stays and the other goes.
I just know if my husband was totally against it and my marriage hung in the balance, I could not go and enjoy it. I didn't marry him so I could do the AT (though it was a lifelong dream of mine way before I met him) I married him because I love him and it was what we were supposed to do with the blessing of family and God. We were right for each other. And I cannot love the AT over him or something is really wrong with my motives in my marriage and in life and why I am here on this earth.
Maybe this is what your husband is sensing, Hawkwind. He is not (or maybe never was) number one in your life and the apple of your eye. That you only tolerated him and your kids until you could break free and fly away. I might look into counseling. The idea of divorce because of the AT or any hike is sad. And symptomatic of something far more troubling in each of your lives. But this is only my opinion.
Say... that's very thoughtful and insightful. Thanks.
trailangelbronco
03-12-2010, 21:00
My wife say's she will leave me if I don't quit talkin about hiking the AT.
I'm gonna miss her....
JustaTouron
03-12-2010, 21:08
I am a future thru hiker. My wife won't hike/camp but she does enjoy traveling by RV. She is gonna drive the RV. I am gonna hike. Most nights we will be together but there are a few stretches where I will be gone for a night or two. So far she seems quite supportive of the idea.
vonfrick
03-12-2010, 21:13
I am a future thru hiker. My wife won't hike/camp but she does enjoy traveling by RV. She is gonna drive the RV. I am gonna hike. Most nights we will be together but there are a few stretches where I will be gone for a night or two. So far she seems quite supportive of the idea.
you should talk to minnesota smith about how this worked out for him....he's a trail legend
Mrs Baggins
03-12-2010, 21:22
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
My wife: "Aint you got a hike coming soon? You going to be gone more than 2 weeks?!?!?"
Nuff said :p
My fiance and her kid are okay with my walking into the woods for two months. She knows it is important at this point in my life to finish the trail. After thru hiking ten years ago it has been in my blood; she knows I need to reconnect with the part of myself that is still wandering the trail. It looks more like I'll be leaving around trail days time and north bounding it from NY/Conn. I know she would be happier if I was starting out with another hiker at this point; but knows there are ones out there too. I'll be paying ahead at least two months on all the bills as to make it easier on her while I'm gone. I'll have the garden and everything else set for easy care for her while I'm gone. Being unemployed at this time, and off from college, it will be wonderful to get out of her hair too. It is a spiritual journey of the mind and body, this trip; and I will be trying to stay out of trail towns more now than before, tired of the hub-bub business of the tri-state area I reside in (NY/NJ/PA). So, as I go into town I see the High Point monument that all thru hikers walk past and think to myself, soon.
JustaTouron
03-13-2010, 19:50
As for my non-thru hiking camping trips --- she is extremely supportive of them in particular when I take the kids with me.
(I do 2 weekends a year with buddy, but most of my trips are with the kids.)
My wife and I used to hike together quite a bit when my son was young. She wasn't up to the mileage that I would do when my son wasn't with us (as he grew up). Occasionally I do dayhikes with her now, but she doesn't relish the thought of putting on a pack.
She knows how much it means to me and puts up with the lonliness when I'm away for a week or more. One reason I carry a cell phone is so she doesn't get too lonely or worry when she doesn't hear from me for a few days (I try to tell her if I think cell recption will be spotty so she doesn't worry). More than anything, I think my phone calls let her "hike" vicariously with me.
theycallmej
06-06-2011, 05:19
Hey guys,
Sorry to post again about a similar subject but I need some help.
Before I met my wife when I was 12, my biggest dream was to hike a long trail. College... a job later in life-- that all didn't matter as much to me and in many ways it still doesn't. I am working right now though I'm not in college, I'm missing that opportunity while many of my peers have gone on to either graduated college or are well on their way. I moved away from my family in Pennsylvania to live with my wife in South Dakota-- it was a really tough move but I got over it because I found my girlfriend (as she was at the time) to be someone I would feel bad not being with. The move caught of all ties with my family and my dad is currently battling a rare form of cancer that they gave him 5 months to live just this April but he still won't talk to me because he's angry I left home. I love my wife, she's an amazing and kind-hearted person-- she always does for others but she really likes me and wants me to be with her. The only thing is that I'm having a hard time finding much meaning in what I'm doing other than being with her-- I have a simple and slow job working at Target that has always been monotonous. I don't feel like I'm doing anything important anymore-- I lumber around the store just finding things to do so that no one will think I'm lazy. That's just a part of the position I have. I have met life-long friends at work and living here though, friends I never had in Pennsylvania and it's tough but we'll be leaving them when my wife goes to grad school this August anyways... it's almost more than I care bare thinking about it because I'll be very cut off..
I could have gone to college but I put it off because I wanted to do the appalachian trail or some long trail before-hand-- that way I could go ahead and do it, not have any student loans to pay off and not have anything of that like. I don't have any loans right now, no ties to keep me here but my wife and the friends I have (which I'll soon be moving away from that I won't see them for a long time and wouldn't be living in south dakota again for 2 years). I'm on the fence on a huge issue though-- a large part of me wants to stay with my wife while she goes to grad school... just essentially move with her as she goes to grad school and then just have kids so that I feel useful as a stay-at-home dad and maybe fit in college so that I can get a job later. The main reason I'd stay is my wife, it pains my heart to see her sad and crying if I left to go on any trail.
And it's sad but that's trumping my will to want to hike. It's burned at me for years and years now and I want to hike a long trail and have some time like that-- it's something I never experience for more than a day or two at a time in pennsylvania and it gave my life a purpose and meaning-- it was a beautiful experience to be hiking at all. I know I could do the trail if I put my mind to it but my wife doesn't support it, won't go with me (Grad school) and makes me feel bad by getting sad when we talk about it. I hate the emotion it gives me and I just wish I could come up with a clear and final answer. I'm saddened at the feeling of my wife being sad that I'm gone for 6 months but I'm sad at the thought that I'll have regrets later in life.
For those who have done the trail, was it worth it? was it a good decision or wrong? What about those who stayed behind from the trail or skipped a chance due to their spouse or a loved one? Or missed a chance because they felt they might regret it?
What's the real right answer in this? I'm not asking anything but a kind opinion-- I don't want more than that but good guidance.
Jim Adams
06-07-2011, 01:10
My wife is very supportive when I leave home and go hiking....so is her current husband. LOL
geek
Rocket Jones
06-07-2011, 06:31
My wife is very supportive when I leave home and go hiking....so is her current husband. LOL
geek
LOL
My wife and kids have been known to "suggest" that I get away for a weekend. Apparently I don't handle stress nearly as well as I think I do. :-?
theycallmej, I'd suggest that you start with a more modest length solo trip I.e., perhaps try a 2-week solo hike, see how well you end up actually liking the experience and how well (or poorly) it works with and for her. Talk about the results afterwards and see if some compromise is possible in (a) future year(s) that leaves you happy with each other.
Old Hiker
06-07-2011, 12:29
My wife is not happy with the length, but she hasn't given me too much flak (yet). I leave in 270 days. I'm trying to get all the loose ends tied up: utilities paid forward so she doesn't have to pay them for at least 4-6 months, credit cards paid off or almost off, lawn service found, cleaning service found, insurance paid for the year, savings bumped up quite a bit just in case, etc. etc. etc. I've been planning for 20+ years, so she's accepted it so far. I'm going to owe her big time, though, and that's MY thought, not hers.
Frogdown
06-07-2011, 13:42
Been married forever. Spouse doesn't care if I am gone for 6 minutes, 6 hours, 6 weeks or 6 months! Bet some of you wish you could say that.
hikerboy57
06-07-2011, 13:46
Im divorced, she no longer has an issue with my hiking.
Stats 2012
06-07-2011, 14:12
My wife is awesome. While the thru-hike is my dream (not her's), it was my wife who encouraged me to apply for a sabbatical so I could do my thru. I find this remarkable because she will be saddled with the extra day-to-day duties of raising a 11 and 13-year old kids. She and the kids are aware of their sacrifice and are excited to mail food and supplies to me along the way. I couldn't do it if I didn't have their full support!
Spirit Walker
06-07-2011, 20:47
Theycallmej - have you talked to your wife about the fact that you are willing to support her dreams (college, career) but that in return you expect her to support yours? Even if it's not a dream she considers worthwhile, it is your dream. A part of you will remain unsatisfied if you never get the chance to attempt it - and if she loves you, she will want you to have the chance to find out for yourself whether the AT is all you hope it to be. Yes, it may drive you farther apart, but it seems that if you stay miserable while she is fulfilling herself in the ways she chooses, you will be driven apart anyway. There should be some sort of balance in a relationship. Where is yours?
My wife and I support each others hopes and dreams. We've dated since high school (graduated 1985) and were married in 1988. I've talked of thru hiking when I retire for some time now. She's dropped me off and picked me up for many section hikes. I've been there for her for various activities she's been involved in - without hesitation. We share our lives together, even though at times we are into different things. She has no desire to backpack, but has never balked at my backpacking. She likes to see my pictures and hear my stories.
She's my bestfriend, companion, confidant, and shuttle driver! :D
Sierra Echo
06-07-2011, 21:02
My wife is very supportive when I leave home and go hiking....so is her current husband. LOL
geek
+20
Bah hahahahahhahahhahahhahaaa
Wise Old Owl
06-07-2011, 21:54
She's not .... She hangs out with AMAC's wife when mall shopping endlessly.
It's hurting my brain thinking that my significant other didn't support hiking in some way! Ugh!
My non-supportive of hiking significant other might shortly become someone else's significant other.
Deucalion said it best. "My wife and I SUPPORT each others hopes and dreams. We've dated since high school (graduated 1985) and were married in 1988. I've talked of thru hiking when I retire for some time now. She's dropped me off and picked me up for many section hikes. I'VE BEEN THERE FOR HER for various activities she's been involved in - without hesitation. We SHARE our lives TOGETHER, even though at times we are into different things. She has no desire to backpack, but has never balked at my backpacking. She likes to see my pictures and hear my stories.
She's my bestfriend, companion, confidant, and shuttle driver! :D LOL!
If there's not give and take, balance, understanding, love and sharing, in a relationship, which may require joyful sacrifice at times, on both your parts, what's the quality of that relationship?
What do I know? I'm on my 7 th marriage. I think I should write a how to stay married book, start a dating website, design some his/her AT bath towels, or .... Nah!