View Full Version : My husband doesn't want me to Thru-hike
meadowlark
05-10-2010, 15:22
Hello, this is my first post; I've been lurking for a while. I'm hoping to get some insight here. Here's the deal. I've been wanting to do a thru hike for a few years, but I really started thinking about it this year, since January or so. I want to start next year, March 2011. I'm just graduating from college this August. I figure, if I don't do it soon I never will, because it'll be time for me to get serious about a job or maybe go on to graduate school. My husband is older than me. He's changing jobs and we're moving to Kansas shortly after I graduate. He's really hurt by my wanting to thru hike. He doesn't understand why I want to. I can't really put into words why I want to do it so bad; it's like I burn to do it. He's hurt. He thinks I want to be away from him. He wants me to wait until he can do it too, but I don't think I can wait that long, and I don't know when that would be... when he retires? But then I'll have a job (hopefully). He keeps saying that while I'm gone he's going to go to Australia or something. (What does this mean? Would he go there out of spite?) I'm so sad lately because I realize I'm not going to get to go. I feel, fundamentally, that my life is not going to work out the way I want it to. He's done things before we met: he's been to mexico, he used to sail and go hot air ballooning, he quit his career and tried to be an artist for a while. I was young. I never have done anything on my own. Part of the reason I want to thru hike is to feel like I can do something. That I am capable. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that my marriage is going to end. Maybe not over this directly. I feel stuck. If I go, maybe I'll lose him. Maybe he'll be mad at me for five months. If I don't go, I'll always wonder what might have been. I have a history of depression and I feel it creeping back when I realize that I might not get to do this. Maybe I'm just selfish.
My suggestion would be to tell him what you just told us. I'm sure if you talked it through you could find a compromise that would work for both of you.
Never let go of your dreams for anyone. And anyone that would want you to is a selfish jerk. The sooner you get people who are jealous and you make you feel guilty out of your life the happier you will be. Do your self a favor and get a new husband, live your dreams.
trailangelbronco
05-10-2010, 15:36
Plan the trip and invite him to meet you in some of the trail towns. He is probably worried that you will meet someone else. Maybe because he is older, and afraid that you might meet someone your own age. Six months is a long time, and you might feel the same if the shoes were reversed.
Still, ya gotta follow your dreams. I gave up the trail for a wife twenty years ago. We got divorced and then I could no longer afford to do the trail. Twenty years later, I wish that I had told her goodbye and thru hiked.
Try to let him know how committed you are to him, and that you really hope that he will meet you in trail towns during your trip.
Twenty years from now, all you will remember is whether or not you lived your life and followed your dreams.
mad4scrapping
05-10-2010, 15:41
Meadowlark-- I'm afraid that this issue may be a sympton of a larger problem with your relationship. Lack of trust by him, perhaps? My husband doesn't understand my desire to thru hike either, but he's not hurt by the idea.
I can relate to your desire to do the hike in order to prove to yourself that you are capable. That's why I want to do it too. I can also relate to your problems with depression.
If your husband is the right person for you, he'll come around. If he doesn't, well, that tells you something, doesn't it?
Bottom line-- follow your dream!
TJ aka Teej
05-10-2010, 15:42
Hello, this is my first post;.
Welcome to WhiteBlaze!
:welcome
Get him involved as your support person, tell him about maildrops. Take him to the outfitters with you. Drive over to PA and go on a few AT overnights together, visit a hostel. Go together to the next ALDHA Gathering at Concord University in Athens WV this October. www.aldha.org Go to the Pennsylvania Ruck in January 2011. Join the female's hikers list. Meet up with some Ohio 2000 milers in person!
An involved spouse is a happy spouse!
double d
05-10-2010, 15:45
He's the one with the "issues" not you. Celebrate your life and graduation from college with a nice, long distance AT hike. As for the husband, well, tell him to grow up and learn how to take care of himself for a few months. It sounds like you don't have kids, but you won't lose him over a long distance hike, it is because of his inability to let you go for a few months.
Feral Bill
05-10-2010, 16:05
Leaving on a 6 month trip of any kind is not trivial. Since your spouse is not supporting your plans, you might want to seek counseling together. I hope it all works out for you both.
FB
berkshirebirder
05-10-2010, 16:16
Meadowlark, I see two big problems. First, as you already know, this is probably your best opportunity to do a Thru Hike. As you go forward, more and more things will get in the way. It's not just a whim but a goal you've set for yourself and thought about for a long time.
Second, your husband may think he wants the best for you, and maybe it's just that he's worried about your health and safety on such a long hike; but if he can't accommodate this one thing that you want to do, he may be the kind of person who thinks everything should be the way HE wants it.
I second TJ's suggestions: go on a few weekend hikes and attend an ALDHA get-together together and see whether this eases any of your husband's concerns. His comment about going to Australia might mean that's something he'd like to do (although it seems he would have mentioned this before). Maybe he was thinking you both could go to Australia after you finish college?
Daydream Believer
05-10-2010, 16:38
What a timely topic. My husband of 24 years and I have had several recent discussions about me thru hiking also. He calls it my "obsession." He has been backpacking with me now twice on the AT and both times, he seemed to enjoy it OK but just keeps saying he only wants to spend time with me, etc... and doesn't care what we do. Lately he's been complaining about how much his knee hurts (stopped us early on our last section hike) and then how much his foot hurts, etc..but never goes to see a doctor. I can't tell if it's a hint or not about my plans to do more backpacking...or just a genuine complaint.
I have tried to talk to him and one day he seems OK with it and the next day he says something like "if you thru hike, I may move into an apartment with the dogs" or something like that. We have a horse farm that I mostly run and I think he sometimes resents the money and time it takes to run it....and he perceives it as my thing and not his thing. He works a regular job and I work on the farm...although I put in as many hours as he does, he makes the most money which is keeping us afloat right now. I figure at this point the best I can manage without upsetting the apple cart might be some section hikes and try to take him along as much as I can...but I refuse to let him dictate how I spend all my leisure time. I wonder though if the comments about his knee and foot are meant to make me feel guilty and do something else besides hike? UGH...I don't know but it IS frustrating.
I was hoping to do this section hike at the end of the month solo and see how he does with it as well as how I like it. We've never been a clingy couple...but he was always the one deployed or off somewhere (career military). I am an independent woman and I don't need anyone to take care of me...and he knows it. He says he admires that in me also....so I'm not really sure why he seems resentful. I'm trying to figure it out and how to accomplish what I want without tearing a huge rift between us.
I would say that at this point in your life, my advice is to have a heart to heart conversation with him...spell it out like you did here...and if he's that resentful of you following your dreams, maybe it's a good time to bail....or just take a stand and see what happens. You are young and not tied down with kids, mortgage, etc... It's going to be very different when you are 24 years into a marriage...believe me....so sort it out now. I wish I had it all to do over and I'd have hiked years ago before I had so many other complications.
Best of luck to you.
fiddlehead
05-10-2010, 16:51
Hello, this is my first post; I've been lurking for a while. I'm hoping to get some insight here. Here's the deal. I've been wanting to do a thru hike for a few years, but I really started thinking about it this year, since January or so. I want to start next year, March 2011. I'm just graduating from college this August. I figure, if I don't do it soon I never will, because it'll be time for me to get serious about a job or maybe go on to graduate school. My husband is older than me. He's changing jobs and we're moving to Kansas shortly after I graduate. He's really hurt by my wanting to thru hike. He doesn't understand why I want to. I can't really put into words why I want to do it so bad; it's like I burn to do it. He's hurt. He thinks I want to be away from him. He wants me to wait until he can do it too, but I don't think I can wait that long, and I don't know when that would be... when he retires? But then I'll have a job (hopefully). He keeps saying that while I'm gone he's going to go to Australia or something. (What does this mean? Would he go there out of spite?) I'm so sad lately because I realize I'm not going to get to go. I feel, fundamentally, that my life is not going to work out the way I want it to. He's done things before we met: he's been to mexico, he used to sail and go hot air ballooning, he quit his career and tried to be an artist for a while. I was young. I never have done anything on my own. Part of the reason I want to thru hike is to feel like I can do something. That I am capable. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that my marriage is going to end. Maybe not over this directly. I feel stuck. If I go, maybe I'll lose him. Maybe he'll be mad at me for five months. If I don't go, I'll always wonder what might have been. I have a history of depression and I feel it creeping back when I realize that I might not get to do this. Maybe I'm just selfish.
Have you tried inviting him to go along?
And enjoy it with you?
Rain Man
05-10-2010, 16:58
Maybe I'm just selfish.
It's impossible to tell one way or another from a few quick facts and a great distance. My inclination is that he's the one selfish, not to mention possessive and insecure.
On the other hand, heading into the woods for six months IS a big deal.
I like the advice about seeking professional counseling (rather than "WB counseling," which isn't worth the paper it's not written on). After all, a marriage is a mutual partnership.
BEST to you both, whatever y'all decide. For what it's worth, you make me grateful that my spouse is supportive and also that we supported our daughter when she announced in college that she wanted to "hike the AT."
Rain:sunMan
.
Ladytrekker
05-10-2010, 17:00
Marriage is a partnership it is unfortunate that your vision is not the same. But I think you should really think about this because it sounds like this could be a marriage ender and you need to be at peace with the decision you make. It is great to say live your dreams but when you get married there are two sets of dreams to contend with.
If it's a marriage-ender to go then it's a marriage-ender not to go, too. Because a part of who she is will die.
He sounds a little insecure, but it could also be that he feels she's trying to avoid responsibility and that he's had to do all the heavy-lifting and is being asked to do even more as she puts off "real" life for another 6 months. It's hard to know what is going on without really knowing them.
You can take comfort in knowing the trail will still be there. It took me 33 years to finally start my hike. If you don't go now, try to live your life like you're going to do it someday soon. Don't get in debt. Don't have kids. Keep entanglements and possessions to a minimum. Make the most of what time you do have. Live adventure everyday as much as you can. It does not have to be all or nothing. Since I have been home from my hike I've felt a little bummed knowing that my dream is gone now because I already did it. Then I realized I live close enough I could theoretically hike somewhere on the PCT every weekend for most of the year, and other places most of the rest of the year. Anybody can thru-hike. Who can say they live 2 out of 7 days of their life in the wilderness? How cool would that be if I pulled that off?
On the other hand, heading into the woods for six months IS a big deal.Most people who start out with that in mind do not stick with it nearly so long.
Takes commitment. Its not all fun.
Where to begin. There are so many issues here.
1. HARSH REALTY # 1: If you go on this hike in 2011, you can probably say goodbye to your marriage at some point in the next few years. That is not an easy or pleasant thing for me to say--but it is probably a pretty accurate statement. Thus, you will probably have to decide what you want more--a 2011 thru hike or this marriage. I am thinking that it will be very difficult for you to have both.
2. Unlike some other posters on this thread, I don't think that your husband is a being a complete jerk. After all, he does say that he wants you to wait until he can go WITH YOU on a thru hike. (Many of us would crawl over broken glass if it meant that our spouses would say those same wonderful words!). He seems to be a guy who wants to be with you and a guy who doesn't want to be away from you for several months in 2011. A 4-7 month separation IS a long time apart for many couples--and many relationships have trouble with separations of that length. Your husband is feeling hurt and scared. Thus, I think that his "Australia comments" have their origins in his hurt feelings and his fears. Remember, in recent years, he has already made a big sacrifice and let the relationship be in "second place" while you pursued your college responsibilities and college dreams. That is a BIG thing. Give him a hug!
(I showed your post to my wife of 20 years. She said" "This lady sure sounds like she doesn't want to be around her husband--especially on this hike!". Take her observations for what they are worth)
3. You say that there is an age difference between you. That is probably part of the problem. You seem to be at two totally different places in your life cycles. He is ready to settle down for a while--and you want to get out in the world and experience new things. I have seen many relationships placed under extreme stress due to an age difference. HARSH REALITY # 2: If your marriage is going to last, it may actually take a considerable amount of counseling for the two of you to work through the challenges caused by your age differences.
4. I do think that there is an immature, impatient and selfish component to your goal of a 2011 thru hike. You want your hike and you want it in 2011. A 2011 thru hike seems like the only acceptable solution for you. Well, in some ways that does indeed sound like a spoiled little kid.
You are no longer a single, unattached, college kid who wants to go and have some fun after graduation and before beginning your career. You ARE a married woman. You have a relationship to nurture. I am guessing that there ARE bills to pay. Where is the money coming from for this hike? Do you have any student loans to pay back? You have chosen to have a relationship and certain financial obligations. Sometimes, that means that you can't always do what you want precisely when you want to do it.
You have just been able to pursue one expensive and time consuming dream (college) and now you want to launch right into pursuing a new dream less than a year later. (And you seem to be somewhat resentful of your husband because he now wants to pursue something that is important to him--a move to Kansas, finding a job and obtaining some income). In my mind, you ARE being a bit selfish. Pursing only your goals and pursuing only your dreams is not a problem--unless you actually want to stay in a relationship with another human being who has hopes and dreams too! (HARSH REALITY # 3)
We have some people on WhiteBlaze who do indeed live a life of simply pursuing their dreams. (I applaud them for that). However, I think most of them will tell you that such a lifestyle involves some trade-offs. Often, marriages are not a part of pursuing their dreams, neither is a home or paying back student loans etc. I question whether you can REALLY have your relationship, your life and your finances all squared away in time for a 2011 thru hike. Given what you have written, a thru hike in March 2011 seems to be a somewhat ambitious goal.
5. Many of us have to wait decades in order to pursue our dream of thru hiking the AT. Until such time as we can complete a thru hike, we section hike and hike other trails. Perhaps that can be a partial solution for you. Yes, it hurts like heck to wait, but that is what many of us have to do (because we have responsibilities and relationships).
Darwin again
05-10-2010, 18:30
You're already banking considerable resentment into the relationship.
Talk to him and tell him you're going.
Go.
If the marriage is worth keeping, it'll be there later and just as strong.
If not, you will have saved yourself years, maybe decades, of the quiet misery of enduring a sad mismatch.
FritztheCat
05-10-2010, 18:33
Wow prain4U, that's an excellent post!
Blissful
05-10-2010, 18:36
The idea your husband wants to go too shows he is interested in the trail. And wants to be a part. I waited over 30 years for my dream. I got settled in my marriage. Raised my child. Waited and did dream. Waited on my hubby too, who did finally support my NOBO '07 hike with my son.
But now I want to go SOBO. My hubby was having issues big time about me going again this year. He did not want me to. And I realized I married him, not the trail. This is a partnership. I married for better or worse. I married in the belief of a covenant marriage and him as the head of the family (yeah I know some feminists will have issues with that). So I told him I would not do it. I would do Maine with him because he really wants to, hopefully NH too and then get off. I may do that anyway as I know how much he misses me when I am gone. But I know I cannot do this without his full support. I need him. He needs me. Its what marriage is all about. Its when two become one, not separate entities. Your dreams need to meld together to become one. And I believe if you are patient, it will happen.
But if one decides, well, marriage be damned, I'm doing the trail anyway, then the marriage was doomed from the start, and not because of some dream or the trail, but something a whole lot deeper.
garlic08
05-10-2010, 18:36
My wife got tired of convincing me to try a thru hike and just went and did it solo in '02. We're both secure enough to let each other go, I guess. I became her support team and visited her on the trail (from Colorado) every month. By the time she reached the White Mts in NH, she got me vicariously into the hike so much I came out and joined her for the last 350 miles and I got hooked. Two years later we thru hiked the PCT together. I returned in '08 and thru hiked the AT. So it worked out for us to become a hiking couple. I hope you work it out, too.
MeadowLark,
When I read your post, the first thing that came to mind was:
1. Why on Earth would you air your personal problems to the world?
The second thing that came to mind was:
2. Why would you want the advice of strangers who don't know your personal situation?
That said, you have received some great advice. So I guess your decision to post your dilemma on WB paid off.
Good luck with your choices.
MeadowLark,
When I read your post, the first thing that came to mind was:
1. Why on Earth would you air your personal problems to the world?
The second thing that came to mind was:
2. Why would you want the advice of strangers who don't know your personal situation?
That said, you have received some great advice. So I guess your decision to post your dilemma on WB paid off.
Good luck with your choices.
personal problems to the world?? i suspect meadowlark is not her real name, so maybe she is going to a place she feels anonymous with people who might have great advice, eh?
meadowlark, if you can't work this through with hubby, how are you going to work anything through with him? always take a backseat? always regret not taking this hike?
http://www.danasoft.com/sig/328388.jpg
mountainman
05-10-2010, 19:08
My wife got tired of convincing me to try a thru hike and just went and did it solo in '02. We're both secure enough to let each other go, I guess. I became her support team and visited her on the trail (from Colorado) every month. By the time she reached the White Mts in NH, she got me vicariously into the hike so much I came out and joined her for the last 350 miles and I got hooked. Two years later we thru hiked the PCT together. I returned in '08 and thru hiked the AT. So it worked out for us to become a hiking couple. I hope you work it out, too.
It sounds like she would not be OK with him going to Australia.
My husband is a musician. In our 25 year marriage he's been gone three to four days a week, every week. We just recently took our first vacation that lasted more than 4 days. It's been very hard for me, raising kids, going to college, and keeping a job over all those years.
Before we got married, he told me to never ask him to choose between me or the music, because he'd choose the music. I understood that going in.
Now, the kids are grown, my career is all set, and being a teacher, I have lots of free time. He doesn't tell me what I can or can't do.
We don't play these silly games. We're both adults with dreams and desires and we support each other's goals.
Every once in awhile someone starts a thread like this and for the life of me I do not understand how some people will be so controlling and manipulative with their spouses in order to get what they want.
I thank God every day I married the man I did.
Good luck to you.
warraghiyagey
05-10-2010, 19:23
Wow. . . Nice post Lilred. . . :sun
Wow. . . Nice post Lilred. . . :sun
of course, she's lilred :sun
warraghiyagey
05-10-2010, 19:27
of course, she's lilred :sun
Your post a few back was pretty frickin on the money too. . . :sun
Your post a few back was pretty frickin on the money too. . . :sun
yepper. work it out and go. don't work it out and still go. frack it - the word is GO!
that plus I just came from a wake - he can't go
warraghiyagey
05-10-2010, 19:32
yepper. work it out and go. don't work it out and still go. frack it - the word is GO!
that plus I just came from a wake - he can't go
That pretty much covers it doesn't it? . . . . :sun:sun
RollingStone
05-10-2010, 19:32
Meadowlark - I'm posting this without reading any of the other responses because I had a similar experience with my wife.
Quite simply it starts by communicating honestly and ensuring your spouse that it's not because of them, it's FOR them. Why for them? Because as an adult and a human, we all need to grow. We need to experience new things and sometimes those experiences are separate from our spouses.
It's a goal to accomplish and he CAN be a part of helping you accomplish your goal. Being married is like being on a team and if you choose to thru hike, you need to let your husband know he is a VALUABLE part of the team and you need him to help you accomplish your goal.
It took my wife about 2 years to come to grips with the fact that she would be ok with me being gone 4-5 months. She realized that I needed her to help accomplish this trip and she is ok with that.
If there is anything I can offer, its that you must communicate your feelings to your husband. There is still plenty of time to prepare for a hike next year and plenty of time for him to get used to the idea.
Wish you the best of luck!
That pretty much covers it doesn't it? . . . . :sun:sun
almost.... how about that yankees-red sox series? :D
Migrating Bird
05-10-2010, 19:49
Wow: the above posts are the best I've read here on WB. I'm in your situation +35 years. I dreamed of thru hiking since the early 70's. I still have that dream - my wife of 32 years, due to health reasons, cannot hike. Last year, my daughter and her boyfriend thru hiked. I was their support. My daughter convinced my wife to let me hike this year, but to leave my wife for 6-7 months is not reasonable, instead, I will hike SOBO starting from Mt. Katahdin through Maine (if I get that far). I would not have traded my wife for the trail (but if I could get a good price...), or my 2 daughters or my career. I traveled extensively during my career and brought every AT book I could find and read them - dreaming some day. Well my someday is here. Your whole situation is known only to you, but in this day and age of instant gratification, I urge you, as other have suggested - seek counseling, get your husband involved, scale back your plans if that is what it takes - there are so many "better hikes" in life than a thru hike. Best of luck.
kayak karl
05-10-2010, 19:52
He doesn't understand why I want to. I can't really put into words why I want to do it so bad
HOW DO YOU EXPECT HIM TO UNDERSTAND??? sounds to me like you blindsided him. if you can't put it into words.........its your problem! sorry.
earlyriser26
05-10-2010, 19:57
Meadowlark, I have a similar situation with my wife. She hates the fact that I do it, because she thinks it is risky. I still do it, but not as much as I would like. My suggestion is to be honest with him. Show him the question you posted here. Being a couple is all about give and take. Taking 5 or 6 months to hike the trail right now could be taking too much. He did say he wanted to hike it with you. I would give anything for my wife to have that attitude. Must it be a thru hike? Must it be now? could you just do a long section, say a month? I do understand that a postponed dream can be lost. I was going to do a thru hike in 1975 after finishing school, in beautiful Bowling Green Ohio no less, but I decided to go to grad school instead. My dream hasn't been lost. Sure, I'm only half way there, but in 10 days I will be doing another short 3 day hike. The dream will stay alive as long as it burns within you.
Hello, this is my first post; I've been lurking for a while. I'm hoping to get some insight here. Here's the deal. I've been wanting to do a thru hike for a few years, but I really started thinking about it this year, since January or so. I want to start next year, March 2011. I'm just graduating from college this August. I figure, if I don't do it soon I never will, because it'll be time for me to get serious about a job or maybe go on to graduate school. My husband is older than me. He's changing jobs and we're moving to Kansas shortly after I graduate. He's really hurt by my wanting to thru hike. He doesn't understand why I want to. I can't really put into words why I want to do it so bad; it's like I burn to do it. He's hurt. He thinks I want to be away from him. He wants me to wait until he can do it too, but I don't think I can wait that long, and I don't know when that would be... when he retires? But then I'll have a job (hopefully). He keeps saying that while I'm gone he's going to go to Australia or something. (What does this mean? Would he go there out of spite?) I'm so sad lately because I realize I'm not going to get to go. I feel, fundamentally, that my life is not going to work out the way I want it to. He's done things before we met: he's been to mexico, he used to sail and go hot air ballooning, he quit his career and tried to be an artist for a while. I was young. I never have done anything on my own. Part of the reason I want to thru hike is to feel like I can do something. That I am capable. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that my marriage is going to end. Maybe not over this directly. I feel stuck. If I go, maybe I'll lose him. Maybe he'll be mad at me for five months. If I don't go, I'll always wonder what might have been. I have a history of depression and I feel it creeping back when I realize that I might not get to do this. Maybe I'm just selfish.Your not being selfish in my opinion. You simply have a desire to do a thru-hike, and you feel the time to do it has arrived. Problem is, you are married. Your husband wants you to wait until he has an opportunity to undertake this endeaver with you, as husband and wife. So as I see it, you have two choices. You go without him and disrespect his wishes in order to do your hike, thus possibly jeapordizing your marriage, or you wait for now and respect your husband's wishes for his wife, thus granting your marriage priority over your desire to thru-hike this coming season. These may seem like tough choices, but if you respect your husband and your marriage to him, and as hard as it may be, I believe the answer is fairely obvious.:-?
thelowend
05-10-2010, 20:23
You don't need his stamp of approval. If somebody can't understand why someone would want to go on a 2,179 mile hike, that's their issue.
Matty427
05-10-2010, 20:46
Prain said what I was feeling, just using more eloquent and well thought out language.
Good luck with whatever decision you and your husband come to.
You don't need his stamp of approval. If somebody can't understand why someone would want to go on a 2,179 mile hike, that's their issue.
My wife, or I, don't need each other's stamp of approval to do anything. We are free to do whatever we want--whenever we want to do it. However, we would not ever really want to INTENTIONALLY do something that would cause the other person to experience heartache, discomfort, or pain.
That is one of my big concerns with some of the things written by the original poster (and by some of the people writing responses)--it seems to be so self-centered. The focus seems to be all about making certain that Meadowlark's wants, needs and goals are fulfilled--and the heck with her husband, his wants, his needs, and his goals.
It is pretty difficult to have a successful long-term relationship if it is all about you--and the heck with the other person (if they happen to disagree with you).
Tuckahoe
05-10-2010, 21:06
Where to begin. There are so many issues here.
1. HARSH REALTY # 1: If you go on this hike in 2011, you can probably say goodbye to your marriage at some point in the next few years. That is not an easy or pleasant thing for me to say--but it is probably a pretty accurate statement. Thus, you will probably have to decide what you want more--a 2011 thru hike or this marriage. I am thinking that it will be very difficult for you to have both.
2. Unlike some other posters on this thread, I don't think that your husband is a being a complete jerk. After all, he does say that he wants you to wait until he can go WITH YOU on a thru hike. (Many of us would crawl over broken glass if it meant that our spouses would say those same wonderful words!). He seems to be a guy who wants to be with you and a guy who doesn't want to be away from you for several months in 2011. A 4-7 month separation IS a long time apart for many couples--and many relationships have trouble with separations of that length. Your husband is feeling hurt and scared. Thus, I think that his "Australia comments" have their origins in his hurt feelings and his fears. Remember, in recent years, he has already made a big sacrifice and let the relationship be in "second place" while you pursued your college responsibilities and college dreams. That is a BIG thing. Give him a hug!
(I showed your post to my wife of 20 years. She said" "This lady sure sounds like she doesn't want to be around her husband--especially on this hike!". Take her observations for what they are worth)
3. You say that there is an age difference between you. That is probably part of the problem. You seem to be at two totally different places in your life cycles. He is ready to settle down for a while--and you want to get out in the world and experience new things. I have seen many relationships placed under extreme stress due to an age difference. HARSH REALITY # 2: If your marriage is going to last, it may actually take a considerable amount of counseling for the two of you to work through the challenges caused by your age differences.
4. I do think that there is an immature, impatient and selfish component to your goal of a 2011 thru hike. You want your hike and you want it in 2011. A 2011 thru hike seems like the only acceptable solution for you. Well, in some ways that does indeed sound like a spoiled little kid.
You are no longer a single, unattached, college kid who wants to go and have some fun after graduation and before beginning your career. You ARE a married woman. You have a relationship to nurture. I am guessing that there ARE bills to pay. Where is the money coming from for this hike? Do you have any student loans to pay back? You have chosen to have a relationship and certain financial obligations. Sometimes, that means that you can't always do what you want precisely when you want to do it.
You have just been able to pursue one expensive and time consuming dream (college) and now you want to launch right into pursuing a new dream less than a year later. (And you seem to be somewhat resentful of your husband because he now wants to pursue something that is important to him--a move to Kansas, finding a job and obtaining some income). In my mind, you ARE being a bit selfish. Pursing only your goals and pursuing only your dreams is not a problem--unless you actually want to stay in a relationship with another human being who has hopes and dreams too! (HARSH REALITY # 3)
We have some people on WhiteBlaze who do indeed live a life of simply pursuing their dreams. (I applaud them for that). However, I think most of them will tell you that such a lifestyle involves some trade-offs. Often, marriages are not a part of pursuing their dreams, neither is a home or paying back student loans etc. I question whether you can REALLY have your relationship, your life and your finances all squared away in time for a 2011 thru hike. Given what you have written, a thru hike in March 2011 seems to be a somewhat ambitious goal.
5. Many of us have to wait decades in order to pursue our dream of thru hiking the AT. Until such time as we can complete a thru hike, we section hike and hike other trails. Perhaps that can be a partial solution for you. Yes, it hurts like heck to wait, but that is what many of us have to do (because we have responsibilities and relationships).
Prain4u,
Thank you for expressing so well the feelings that I had about the original post in this thread. Thanks for cutting through so much of the crap and setting the record so straight.
Prain4u,
Thank you for expressing so well the feelings that I had about the original post in this thread. Thanks for cutting through so much of the crap and setting the record so straight.
Amen, Prain4u.
If I can read into the husband's way of thinking, he just put (or helped put) her through college, now she wants to go away for 6 mos. on her own. Hopefully there's a "thank you" somewhere in the mix from her end.
"But what next, after the hike", he may be thinking. "What else will she want to do that requires me to be alone, without her - and for how long?"
Now, I don't know either of them, so I don't want to hand out judgement (it isn't my job, anyhow, and I don't want to step on the toes of the One whose it is).
The OP might think about what she can do WITH her husband NOW, to put him at ease about their relationship and her "wanderlust" (if that's an accurate term). Maybe after some quality time together it might be her time to go, or maybe she will reconsider the value of the relationship and decide to do it as a couple later.
Unless the relationship is already over except for the parting, it may well be worth a sacrifice on one or both partners' parts.
kayak karl
05-10-2010, 22:32
My wife, or I, don't need each other's stamp of approval to do anything. We are free to do whatever we want--whenever we want to do it. However, we would not ever really want to INTENTIONALLY do something that would cause the other person to experience heartache, discomfort, or pain.
That is one of my big concerns with some of the things written by the original poster (and by some of the people writing responses)--it seems to be so self-centered. The focus seems to be all about making certain that Meadowlark's wants, needs and goals are fulfilled--and the heck with her husband, his wants, his needs, and his goals.
It is pretty difficult to have a successful long-term relationship if it is all about you--and the heck with the other person (if they happen to disagree with you).
thank you for a good post, a relationship takes time and communication. most of the posts are from selfish and NON MARRIED people. 20 yr old giving their option. they should post in 10 years when they grow up. maybe 20:D
thank you for a good post, a relationship takes time and communication. most of the posts are from selfish and NON MARRIED people. 20 yr old giving their option. they should post in 10 years when they grow up. maybe 20:D
bs... but you got one thing right - communication, or lack thereof. these two simply need to talk it through and if they can't realize they each have their own needs, wants, desires that they should feel comfortable fulfilling when they want to and be supportive of the other doing the same thing, then they really have no marriage. :eek:
Meadowlark: your explanation is quite eloquent, I'm sure many here feel the "Burn" much as you do.
I also think that one of the best posts / replies was (as many agree) from Prayn4u.
A free suggestion, worth what you pay for it: Do an extended, 2 - 4 week*, Section hike next year. For some this is enough to bank the fire or even put it out. It will also give you a chance to see if you really want to put up with what is required for a thru. Figure out the MPD you would need to do for a thru, & do those miles during your section.
* An experienced hiker once told me that a good rule of thumb is: 3 weeks for a fit 20 year old to get his/her trail legs, add one week per decade over 20. That seems to work out for me, as my last nearly 3 week trip I felt I was about 1/2 way to having my trail legs.
Ladytrekker
05-10-2010, 23:26
This is an interesting dilemna because today there are more options open to people to make individual choices.
I think it all boils down to that being gone doing something so different for an extended amount of time away that his fear is that it will change you and that he will not be a part of change. On his part it is probably fear of losing you.
I think you need to evaluate why you are drawn to hike this trail. I am just doing my first section hike in a few weeks for me I am obcessed with it but responsibility does not give me the freedom to thru it. Whatever decision you make you should feel peace with it if you do not it may not have been the right choice. Hang there your time will come.
Jim Adams
05-11-2010, 01:09
You have a very difficult decision.
No advice from me but a few short facts.
At the 7 year mark of my marrage my wife gave me a choice of either changing careers (from one that I loved) or get a divorce. I changed careers (I thought) to save my marrage. That was 33 years ago and I still resent her for that.
The marrage only lasted 4 years more after that decision.
geek
Daydream Believer
05-11-2010, 07:19
A free suggestion, worth what you pay for it: Do an extended, 2 - 4 week*, Section hike next year. For some this is enough to bank the fire or even put it out. It will also give you a chance to see if you really want to put up with what is required for a thru. Figure out the MPD you would need to do for a thru, & do those miles during your section.
Good advice here I think and I came to a similar conclusion. I am hoping to get in a nice section hike later this month solo to see how it goes both with me in the woods and my husband here alone.
I am finding this thread really helpful sorting out my own feelings and thoughts on a thru hike...and even hiking alone in general. I have no doubts after 24 years of marriage that my husband cares very deeply for me...and certainly I do for him. Some of the replies here are giving me some insight though into why he's balking on this and it is helpful. We are a team and make decisions together...so I'm not planning to just leave him and hike for six months without his being part of the team as well. It would be so hard to leave someone you care about and worry the whole time you were away.
It just can be frustrating when you have a major obsession (and I do think a thru hike is probably an obsession to a large degree) or life goal and something is inexplicably in your way. I'm one of the sort of people who can't stand to not finish something and I just want to go hike! The AT is uncharted territory for me and I'm so excited to see it and hike it...a dream from my childhood that finally almost 40 years later I'm getting a chance to do.
* An experienced hiker once told me that a good rule of thumb is: 3 weeks for a fit 20 year old to get his/her trail legs, add one week per decade over 20. That seems to work out for me, as my last nearly 3 week trip I felt I was about 1/2 way to having my trail legs.
On that last bit about getting in shape...I'm totally screwed. I'd need 5+ weeks by that estimation to get my "legs.":cool:
I feel, fundamentally, that my life is not going to work out the way I want it to.
Join the club!...Another proud member of the ME GENERATION:(
Boo Hoo for you and welcome to the world of being an adult with responsibilities!
I am curious by nature, So I have to ask,
How many of you handing out advice on this subject are currently married and for how long?
Divorced?
Never Been married?
As mentioned earlier marriage is about comprise. Rarely is everyone 100% happy.
Another thought, why in the world would you get married while your still in college?????? You have even lived yet?
Yes, taking off for 6 months is selfish.
Daydream,
Your expectations are ridicoulous and extremely self centered! You run a horse farm, your husband supports your HOBBY and now you want to take off on another hobby.
Your expectations of your spouse out of line.
I've been married for 17 years. I would love to do a thru hike but I can't right now and to tell you the truth I would not even consider bringing it up. I have talked to my wife about doing it one day and she was cool with it but now is not the time so I take whatever I can get with day hikes and 2 or 3 day trips.
I am curious by nature, So I have to ask,
How many of you handing out advice on this subject are currently married and for how long?
Divorced?
Never Been married?
As mentioned earlier marriage is about comprise. Rarely is everyone 100% happy.
Another thought, why in the world would you get married while your still in college?????? You have even lived yet?
Yes, taking off for 6 months is selfish.
Some things should be compromised, little things, like who is doing the dishes. Dreams should never ever be compromised. BS to that. :cool:
traildust
05-11-2010, 12:29
While some will say a thruhike is just a walk, it is a challenging walk. Before you get to far down the road toward disappointment and a broken relationship, why not try and see if you are cutout for the challenge ahead. See if you can compromise this year, and take a three week section hike or a two week section hike from Georgia to Hot Springs. See what it is like to be alone for days. Two or three days is something most everyone can do. But three to four weeks of pounding the trail can deplete the spirit. Would hate to see you go through all this drama with your husband and then get out there and after 3 weeks decide this is not your cup of tea. If the AT is to far right now then hit the North Country Trail for a few solid weeks or come to Ky and hike the Sheltowee Trace for three weeks. Would hate to see you damage your relationship at home only to find out that thruhiking is not what you thought it was going to be once you got out there.
Ladytrekker
05-11-2010, 12:38
I am curious by nature, So I have to ask,
How many of you handing out advice on this subject are currently married and for how long?
Divorced?
Never Been married?
As mentioned earlier marriage is about comprise. Rarely is everyone 100% happy.
Another thought, why in the world would you get married while your still in college?????? You have even lived yet?
Yes, taking off for 6 months is selfish.
Good point that is why my advice is whatever decision you make is have peace with it because there is no going back.
Divorced - married 23 years and we did not have the same vision.
Daydream Believer
05-11-2010, 13:00
Daydream,
Your expectations are ridicoulous and extremely self centered! You run a horse farm, your husband supports your HOBBY and now you want to take off on another hobby.
Your expectations of your spouse out of line.
I had this long reply typed up and it just went away. What a pain!
Just to clear up your misconceptions of what is going on here. The horse farm is a business. I run it as one, I work long long days to keep it going. I also work as a farrier to help keep the farm going. I just got in from training three horses a few minutes ago and am now having some lunch. I am going back out to trim one that boards (pays to live) here. I have clients in and out of here 7 days a week making demands on me, and I do not take even one day off. I have an employee that works here and I make payroll weekly also. I have chickens coming in a few weeks to help diversify my business...raising them for meat and eggs...since the economy has been really hard on horse businesses in the last year or so.
I think even the IRS recognizes that what I am doing is NOT a hobby. :banana
Hiking is my hobby. It is something I enjoy doing in my free time...scarce as that is. It is the one thing that I have that gets me off the farm where I can have a break.
Clear now? :confused: Thanks anyway for your attempt at criticism/feedback however you really need to know the facts before making a judgment call like that.
Daydream Believer
05-11-2010, 13:03
I am curious by nature, So I have to ask,
How many of you handing out advice on this subject are currently married and for how long?
Divorced?
Never Been married?
Married 24 years. Never divorced. This is my only marriage. My husband however was divorced before.
How about you? :p
I am curious by nature, So I have to ask,
How many of you handing out advice on this subject are currently married and for how long?
Divorced?
I've been married (to the same woman!) for 20 years.
I am a local church pastor, Army National Guard Chaplain, and a certified alcohol and other drug counselor.
I met my wife at the theological seminary (graduate school) 22 years ago. She has worked as a marriage and family therapist. She currently CHOOSES to stay at home and care for our two children who have special needs.
We have a visually impaired 16 year old daughter and a severely autistic 11 year old son. Both children were born three months premature. We faced years of medical procedures with them. We have each lost a parent in the past 4 years after lengthy periods of illness (cancer and Alzheimer's disease).
Why am I giving all of the extra information? Because it demonstrates that our married life has not been all sunshine and Skittles. I think that "surviving" such tough times generally shapes and molds you, your relationship, and your decision making process as a couple---if you can somehow manage to make it through those tough times successfully. (At times, we almost didn't make it).
Our biggest decisions, as a couple, have not been over whether "to thru hike or not to thru hike". Such decisions are, ultimately, rather trivial in the greater scheme of things. Instead, we have had to wrestle with decisions such as---"Should we authorize the use of this medicine (or this surgical procedure) on our child/parent? On the one hand it may "cure" them--on the other hand--it may disable them or kill them.
My wife, and I, have had to work through our differences of opinion on such life or death decisions on several occasions. It was in such situations, where we REALLY learned how to communicate with each other and how to actually reach an 'acceptable" decision as a couple (and as a family).
The original poster (Meadowlark) wrote: "I feel, fundamentally, that my life is not going to work out the way I want it to".
You know what, Meadowlark, welcome to the club! It is a club that most of us never dream of joining--but it is a club which most of us DO eventually join (whether we want to or not). And, that is perfectly O.K. It is a normal part of life for most people.
In our "club", the ever-evolving situations of our daily lives often force us to abandon, change--or delay--our personal dreams. Therefore, we (willingly?) create new goals and new dreams as we go along. Many of those new goals and dreams tend to incorporate the needs, goals, and dreams of the other significant people in our lives. We constantly modify our own goals to fit the sometimes harsh realities of our ever-changing current situation.
In our "club", as our personal dreams and personal goals are forced to change--we basically have two choices:
1. We can embrace the new (or modified) goals and enjoy them to the fullest.
or
2. We can go through life being constantly angry, anxious and bitter that our life (and our goals) didn't go as we had originally planned.
I have tried both choices. I can assure you that Choice # 1 is a WHOLE lot more fun than Choice # 2!
I have been married 22 years. Never divorced.
I thought the most difficult hurdle would be telling my wife that I wanted to do a thru. I can't express the total rush I felt when I heard the words "Go for it". Having support from a spouse and family goes a long way!
I don't think I could complete a thru without that support.
I thought the most difficult hurdle would be telling my wife that I wanted to do a thru. I can't express the total rush I felt when I heard the words "Go for it". Having support from a spouse and family goes a long way!
I don't think I could complete a thru without that support.
I always tell the people in my family and in my life to go for it. No matter how it may affect me or how I feel about the particular event or whatever (as long as it is legal and non-life threatening).
People have dreams and there is no way I will shart on those dreams. Everyone should live their own life - let them.
clodhopper
05-11-2010, 15:58
Probably worth applying a little statistics to the situation--something like 10% of hikers finish a thru-hike. Lots of reasons but the net is that finishing a thru-hike is a long shot.
Best of luck to you and your husband.
Carbo that is fantastic.
But your in a much different place than a 20 something, married, almost college graduate.
I don't know you, but I am guessing your kids are grown, on their own. Just the wife and you at home. Your relationship is solid.
I hope to be in your place one day. Kids grown, thru college and just the wife and I. I am sure my wife would support me at that time, but my current obligations prohibit me from such foolish and selfish endeavors.
I always tell the people in my family and in my life to go for it. No matter how it may affect me or how I feel about the particular event or whatever (as long as it is legal and non-life threatening).
People have dreams and there is no way I will shart on those dreams. Everyone should live their own life - let them.
My signature (sort of) reflects this. Also, this attitude in a loving relationship is a very powerful combination.
Lostone, yes my life is at the opposite end of the spectrum compared to meadowlark and I went through two divorces for a number of reasons similar to her circumstances. It certainly isn't easy to make a relation work when one or the other is foolish and selfish most of the time... a little now and then may be ok.
My kids are indeed grown, but not quite out of the house with this economy the way it is. And, yes I have a solid relation with my wife of 26 years which is amazing because I still do dumb things. If she said "No" to the thru, I wouldn't do it and eventually get over it. I'm sure I would be ok with staying with the section hikes.
Probably worth applying a little statistics to the situation--something like 10% of hikers finish a thru-hike. Lots of reasons but the net is that finishing a thru-hike is a long shot.
Best of luck to you and your husband.
the stats are more like 20% finish these days. the previous comments of trying a shorter, 3-4 week, hike this year are spot on. many that quit, not due to injury, do so because the hike wasn't quite what they thought it would be... it's a long, hard, tiring haul from end to end. "oh, i can do this" gets replaced with "oh, i don't want to do this anymore". but you never know unless you try. a month long trip now helps both parties see what this will be all about and if she decides to go long next year, they both will be better prepared. no downside to that.
earlyriser26
05-11-2010, 19:10
I am curious by nature, So I have to ask,
How many of you handing out advice on this subject are currently married and for how long?
Divorced?
Never Been married?
As mentioned earlier marriage is about comprise. Rarely is everyone 100% happy.
Another thought, why in the world would you get married while your still in college?????? You have even lived yet?
Yes, taking off for 6 months is selfish.
Married 28 years, the one and likely only.
earlyriser26
05-11-2010, 19:19
It would be nice to know more about your previous hiking experience. If it is limited or never you are clearly putting the cart before the horse. Many people love the "idea" of a thru hike only to find it is not what they expected. Don't burn your bridges before you know for sure you can or want to do it. Also, as another poster stated, worrying about not having your life turn out as you plan in your 20's does seem a little self-centered and a bit premature.
Windcatcher
05-11-2010, 20:35
Just hike it.
Ladytrekker
05-11-2010, 22:17
What is better than having someone you love support you
Feral Bill
05-11-2010, 22:47
Married once, 26 years and counting. Life's good.
What is better than having someone you love support you
Returning the favor.
What is better than having someone you love support you
An excited state of a stable particle causing a sharp maximum in the probability of absorption of electromagnetic radiation?
No, I think I would rather have the support of someone I love.
Let me say this: There is no such thing as a "typical" marriage and a couple of posters in this thread strike me as trying to portray their marriages as "How Marriage Should Be". I would NEVER have the marriage my neighbors have but they've been married 40 something years and (appear to be) happy as clams.
I've been married 22 years this year and if my wife asked me not to go on a thru hike she'd likely have a good reason and I wouldn't go.
However, we do have a policy of supporting each other's dreams and goals so I'm not terrribly worried about it.
In fact, in 24 hours she's taking me to the train station and I'll be gone for 2 months finishing the AT. :)
earlyriser26
05-13-2010, 05:52
So Meadowlark, any feedback or still lurking?
Hello, this is my first post; I've been lurking for a while. I'm hoping to get some insight here. Here's the deal. I've been wanting to do a thru hike for a few years, but I really started thinking about it this year, since January or so. I want to start next year, March 2011. I'm just graduating from college this August. I figure, if I don't do it soon I never will, because it'll be time for me to get serious about a job or maybe go on to graduate school. My husband is older than me. He's changing jobs and we're moving to Kansas shortly after I graduate. He's really hurt by my wanting to thru hike. He doesn't understand why I want to. I can't really put into words why I want to do it so bad; it's like I burn to do it. He's hurt. He thinks I want to be away from him. He wants me to wait until he can do it too, but I don't think I can wait that long, and I don't know when that would be... when he retires? But then I'll have a job (hopefully). He keeps saying that while I'm gone he's going to go to Australia or something. (What does this mean? Would he go there out of spite?) I'm so sad lately because I realize I'm not going to get to go. I feel, fundamentally, that my life is not going to work out the way I want it to. He's done things before we met: he's been to mexico, he used to sail and go hot air ballooning, he quit his career and tried to be an artist for a while. I was young. I never have done anything on my own. Part of the reason I want to thru hike is to feel like I can do something. That I am capable. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that my marriage is going to end. Maybe not over this directly. I feel stuck. If I go, maybe I'll lose him. Maybe he'll be mad at me for five months. If I don't go, I'll always wonder what might have been. I have a history of depression and I feel it creeping back when I realize that I might not get to do this. Maybe I'm just selfish.
I don't want this to be a discouraging post, but there are a few things you should know...First of all, OF COURSE he doesn't want you to go without him...he'll miss you terribly and always be wondering if you're ok, cold, hurt, in danger, lonely, sad, having too good a time, bonding with other people and especially other men, and any number of other worries...and justifiably so, because you will be all of those things to one degree or other at some point during the trip. I can also honestly say that most of the people I've seen who go a-hiking without their significant other end up with a new significant other on the trail...this could be for any number of reasons that may or may not apply to your situation, but it sounds like your relationship might be on shaky ground already due to more than one factor, and this would be yet another strain. In fact, I must also say it seems to me he simply does not want to hike because if he can go to Australia or whatever while you're on the trail then he can also go hiking if he wants to, though of course I'm basing that on what you said, so maybe not. My opinion is, if you need to hike then you need to hike...if your relationship is strong enough that he will give up his pursuits to join you, or strong enough to weather the strain then you will be fine...but if your relationship isn't 100 % solid, then you can be sure this will likely be the demise of it. Of course, if it's not 100% solid then maybe that's a good thing, and your instincts may be pushing you to be away from him, perhaps on some level subconsciously to get away from him. On the other hand, if you care about him enough you would be putting him first in your life just as he should be putting you first. So the two of you need to figure out what your priorities are regarding your own lives, and regarding your relationship. Make the list...if going out on your own as a young person and experiencing these things are above sacrificing those experiences to be with him for life on that list the your decision is clear. Once you have an honest self assessment of your priorities you will know what to do, and the same goes for him. It's not easy, but it's not complicated. It just takes brutal personal honesty. Just know if you leave you need to be ready for the consequences. You may not have to suffer those consequences, but don't think they can't happen to you. If this dude is like 30+ years older than you this probably wont be the only challenge you face, if he's 20 years or less older than you you have a far better chance of being able to negotiate these issues. One thing for sure, if he gives up his career or whatever is holding him back from accompanying you, then you know you are his first priority and then you need to ask yourself if he is really your first priority. Just make sure you don't deceive yourself about your motives, or his. There is no selfish here, you just need to understand with total self-honesty what is most important to you in your heart of hearts. And then listen to your heart, because your brain presents you with the options, but your heart needs to make the choices. But you already knew that...
double d
05-13-2010, 08:07
Let me say this: There is no such thing as a "typical" marriage and a couple of posters in this thread strike me as trying to portray their marriages as "How Marriage Should Be". I would NEVER have the marriage my neighbors have but they've been married 40 something years and (appear to be) happy as clams.
I've been married 22 years this year and if my wife asked me not to go on a thru hike she'd likely have a good reason and I wouldn't go.
However, we do have a policy of supporting each other's dreams and goals so I'm not terrribly worried about it.
In fact, in 24 hours she's taking me to the train station and I'll be gone for 2 months finishing the AT. :)
Great post 10-K and have a great hike finishing your last miles!
the point of my post was, A lot of single or Divorced multiple times folks were giving her advice that would probably end with a divorce.
It is good to know who you are getting advice from, that is all.
I would hope that if you get divorced your husband has an attorney that will get a portion of your income from the education he paid for. He paid for it after all.
Rain Man
05-13-2010, 08:45
In fact, in 24 hours she's taking me to the train station and I'll be gone for 2 months finishing the AT. :)
WOW, 10-K, good for you! I'm jealous. Have a great hike! And, good for your own spouse to be so supportive.
Rain:sunMan
.
WOW, 10-K, good for you! I'm jealous. Have a great hike! And, good for your own spouse to be so supportive.
Rain:sunMan
.
Thanks! Less than 12 hours now, but who's counting... :)
Wow, I read most of the above posts (after a while there was nothing new). There's some good and some terrible advice here. There's no way we can know what the real situation is from your short couple paragraphs. BUT, many of the advice givers sure are reading a LOT into them (can't blame us, you asked, and we're doing the best we can with sparse background).
IMO, the bottom line is you and your husband need to come to a resolution on this. That means talking, explaining, and understanding each other's point of view. It may mean compromises. If you don't deal with this now, it will do nothing but fester. If you work this out to each other's satisfaction, your marriage will be stronger. If you don't, it will be a persistent thorn.
double d
05-13-2010, 08:54
Thanks! Less than 12 hours now, but who's counting... :)
Only 785.5 miles to go 10-K. Congrats.
Hello, this is my first post; I've been lurking for a while. I'm hoping to get some insight here. Here's the deal. I've been wanting to do a thru hike for a few years, but I really started thinking about it this year, since January or so. I want to start next year, March 2011. I'm just graduating from college this August. I figure, if I don't do it soon I never will, because it'll be time for me to get serious about a job or maybe go on to graduate school. My husband is older than me. He's changing jobs and we're moving to Kansas shortly after I graduate. He's really hurt by my wanting to thru hike. He doesn't understand why I want to. I can't really put into words why I want to do it so bad; it's like I burn to do it. He's hurt. He thinks I want to be away from him. He wants me to wait until he can do it too, but I don't think I can wait that long, and I don't know when that would be... when he retires? But then I'll have a job (hopefully). He keeps saying that while I'm gone he's going to go to Australia or something. (What does this mean? Would he go there out of spite?) I'm so sad lately because I realize I'm not going to get to go. I feel, fundamentally, that my life is not going to work out the way I want it to. He's done things before we met: he's been to mexico, he used to sail and go hot air ballooning, he quit his career and tried to be an artist for a while. I was young. I never have done anything on my own. Part of the reason I want to thru hike is to feel like I can do something. That I am capable. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that my marriage is going to end. Maybe not over this directly. I feel stuck. If I go, maybe I'll lose him. Maybe he'll be mad at me for five months. If I don't go, I'll always wonder what might have been. I have a history of depression and I feel it creeping back when I realize that I might not get to do this. Maybe I'm just selfish.
girl, you're married. life ain't about just you any more. he's compromising by saying he'll go with you, later. you're not doing anything but feeling sorry for yourself and whining. you made a decision to get married young. that was YOUR choice, nobody forced you to do it. now you have to live with the consequences like an adult. or you can choose to be selfish, like a spoiled child.
He's done things before we met: he's been to mexico, he used to sail and go hot air ballooning, he quit his career and tried to be an artist for a while.
also, you can't hold the accomplishments he's had in his life against him. that's just frickin retarded.
Only 785.5 miles to go 10-K. Congrats.
Too long to be called a section hike, too short to be called a thru.
How about hybrid-hiker? :)
double d
05-13-2010, 10:32
Too long to be called a section hike, too short to be called a thru.
How about hybrid-hiker? :)
Haaa, just remember one rule: when you go up one side of a mountain, you must then go down the other side, then repeat 785.5 times and you've completed the AT!!!
Rain Man
05-13-2010, 11:31
...then repeat 785.5 times and you've completed the AT!!!
Just have to ask... how do you figure you get half a mountain? (Since both terminii are atop mountains, those two halves count as a whole,... so where's the other half come in?)
Rain:sunMan
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double d
05-13-2010, 12:19
Just have to ask... how do you figure you get half a mountain? (Since both terminii are atop mountains, those two halves count as a whole,... so where's the other half come in?)
Rain:sunMan
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Haa Rain Man, you got me: I'll revise my post-10-K, since a mountain has two sides and you need to hike 785.5 miles to finish the whole AT, you need to hike up one side of a mountain and then down the other, therefore, you have repeat this 1,571 times (going up and down) to finish your hike!!!! Rain Man, I love the detail-my wife teaches college math, I think in another life, you two were soul mates!!!!
So, Meadowlark, any comments?
One post & you leave us hanging.
Haa Rain Man, you got me: I'll revise my post-10-K, since a mountain has two sides and you need to hike 785.5 miles to finish the whole AT, you need to hike up one side of a mountain and then down the other, therefore, you have repeat this 1,571 times (going up and down) to finish your hike!!!! Rain Man, I love the detail-my wife teaches college math, I think in another life, you two were soul mates!!!!
Well, I don't want to complicate things, but the 785.5 number is from 2009 trail data - the new number for 2010 is 786.6. :)
David@whiteblaze
05-13-2010, 23:45
An excited state of a stable particle causing a sharp maximum in the probability of absorption of electromagnetic radiation?
No, I think I would rather have the support of someone I love.
Hmm, that's a hard choice for a geek... I'm really stuck here... ;):rolleyes:
earplug94
05-14-2010, 12:24
I can understand both sides!!! It is such a big endeavour. He probably want's to be able to share it with you. The trail is going to become a major part of yourself and you will change a bit. He probably wants to be a part of it. His protective side is probably coming into play also. :) He might not even know it is. Everyone is so different. And you are at a different life stage than myself. I do know- I could not and would not thru-hike again without my love. It wouldn't be the same and I want to share the big stuff with her. That is not to say that what you want to do is wrong or such. Life has many paths in it. I have learned to try as much as possible to keep our loved one included in those paths as much as possible. Paths do diverge. You either meet up at the other end. Or, your walks diverge from one another. Someone mentioned earlier that he is possessive and insecure and such. I don't agree with this at all. He loves you and is probably worried and wants to share things in this life with you. That is what a relationship is all about. This is a tough one. I wish you the best. I wish you guys the best actually. :)
You will probably want to attempt the thru hike now later in life when financial responsibilties come to light it may be too late, and see this as only a pipe dream and kicking yourself in the ass for not trying it.. GOOD LUCK and go for it !!!!!!!!
IsNotAHome
05-14-2010, 14:54
There is 3 billion males in this world and only one AT. Is it really so complicated?
There is 3 billion males in this world and only one AT. Is it really so complicated?
Yes. Because there may be only one AT..but I find connecting with someone on many levels is rare, too. :)
Hike the AT? Work on a relationship? There is no right or wrong choice...it is only what is best for you.
I bagged doing the GDT last year (in part) because a good friend of mine was in the Denver area for most of the summer. His less than one year old daughter needed a liver transplant [1]. The Canadian Great Divide Trail has been on top of my TO DO list for a long time. But, being there for my friend (taking him on backpacking trips, hikes and just helping to get his mind of this very hard issue at least for a little bit) was more important. There were some other reasons, but the main reason/tipping point was supporting people dear to me. The e-mail sent out afterward to a few of us meant more to me than walking the divide of Canada.
A bit different from a romantic relationship..but it shows that there is more to life than hiking trails at times.
Is it bad or good to end a relationship to hike a trail? I can't answer that for anyone. For me, at 24 yrs old I chucked it all and walked the AT (and the LTx2, PCT,CT, CDT, BMT, TRT).
I'll be 36 next week. I'm involved in a relationship in what seems to be for the long haul. I have a community of friends that are not like family to me, they ARE family. At this point in my life, I would not chuck it all to walk the AT..or another multimonth trail, esp solo. (Mutliweeks trips? Hell yeah! :D It also helps that I live in an outdoor person's paradise. IT is an odd week that does not find me skiing, hiking or climbing!)
Is it bad? Is it good? It is neither. It is the choice I am making in my life that works for me.
I hope everyone is able to make the choice that works for them.
[1] Denver Pediatric is one of the country's premier specialist in pediatric liver issues; the actual transplant was done in Pittsburgh..the specialists in the surgical part of pediatric liver issues. He donated a piece of his liver to his daughter. My friend now has a daughter who is smiling, happy and starting to walk!
stranger
05-14-2010, 17:08
A truly supportive partner should be OK with something like this, however, the partner described in the original post sounds like an a$$hole to me.
He sounds insecure and defensive, and insecure and defensive people are not known to be very understanding.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being away from your partner for months on end, it's probably unusual for many people, but I do it all the time. If two people love each other and communicate like adults, there is not much you can't do.
From the original post, sounds like your relationship is not worth defending if that's how he talks to you...walk away, it will only get worse, and if you don't hike the AT then think about the message that sends...that he controls you. Sound fun?
A truly supportive partner should be OK with something like this, however, the partner described in the original post sounds like an a$$hole to me.
He sounds insecure and defensive, and insecure and defensive people are not known to be very understanding.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being away from your partner for months on end, it's probably unusual for many people, but I do it all the time. If two people love each other and communicate like adults, there is not much you can't do.
From the original post, sounds like your relationship is not worth defending if that's how he talks to you...walk away, it will only get worse, and if you don't hike the AT then think about the message that sends...that he controls you. Sound fun?I can see how his behavior can be viewed as being controlling, etc...and also I can see how it can be viewed as caring, deep-love for his wife coupled with worry, etc...I think as other's have said, without really knowing these individuals and their history, it is totally presuming on all our parts to really be able to give advice to them or to pass judgement of them. We just do not have enough knowledge to be able to give truly accurate advice.:-?
stranger
05-14-2010, 21:05
Yeah...threatening to go to Australia if his wife goes hiking really sounds deep-loving and caring...
Yeah...threatening to go to Australia if his wife goes hiking really sounds deep-loving and caring...I guess he's thinking lager and another shrimp on the barbie:D
girl, you're married. life ain't about just you any more. he's compromising by saying he'll go with you, later. you're not doing anything but feeling sorry for yourself and whining. you made a decision to get married young. that was YOUR choice, nobody forced you to do it. now you have to live with the consequences like an adult. or you can choose to be selfish, like a spoiled child.
also, you can't hold the accomplishments he's had in his life against him. that's just frickin retarded.
Spoiled,Retarded...what a great way to HELP.:mad:
Spoiled,Retarded...what a great way to HELP.:mad:
I'm not trying to be helpful. I don't enable spoiled children. The truth sometimes isn't the easiest thing to hear.
Feral Bill
05-15-2010, 00:10
One provocotive post, much discussion, no followup from the op. We may have us a troll! Or maybe not.
I'm not trying to be helpful. I don't enable spoiled children. The truth sometimes isn't the easiest thing to hear.
What some may think may not be true?
Haaa, just remember one rule: when you go up one side of a mountain, you must then go down the other side, then repeat 785.5 times and you've completed the AT!!!
Just have to ask... how do you figure you get half a mountain? (Since both terminii are atop mountains, those two halves count as a whole,... so where's the other half come in?)
Rain:sunMan
.To go up OR down counts as 0.5 .
You have to go up to start.
You are done before you have to go back down the other end.
So 785.5 is correct, assuming there are 786 mountains to cross.
As for this thread, "Hello, this is my first post; I've been lurking for a while..." has become the internet equivalent of "I never used to believe any of the stories in Penthouse Forum, until..." . Sketchy at best, though lots of fun to read sometimes.
stranger
05-15-2010, 01:27
DapperD...no one says that in Australia, and no one drinks Fosters...but sterotypes are certainly fun!
kayak karl
05-15-2010, 02:39
One provocotive post, much discussion, no followup from the op. We may have us a troll! Or maybe not.
maybe hiking the trail ain't ALL that important to her:D
Rain Man
05-15-2010, 10:56
Rain Man, I love the detail-my wife teaches college math, I think in another life, you two were soul mates!!!!
Well, if it helps,-- I used to be a tax auditor (State, not IRS) many years ago! LOL Though I appreciate JAK's rationalization for the .5, too.
Just having fun to "debate" something fluffy. :)
Rain:sunMan
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hikingshoes
05-15-2010, 12:08
Very well put there MS.Blissful,and we need more like you in this world!!!HS
The idea your husband wants to go too shows he is interested in the trail. And wants to be a part. I waited over 30 years for my dream. I got settled in my marriage. Raised my child. Waited and did dream. Waited on my hubby too, who did finally support my NOBO '07 hike with my son.
But now I want to go SOBO. My hubby was having issues big time about me going again this year. He did not want me to. And I realized I married him, not the trail. This is a partnership. I married for better or worse. I married in the belief of a covenant marriage and him as the head of the family (yeah I know some feminists will have issues with that). So I told him I would not do it. I would do Maine with him because he really wants to, hopefully NH too and then get off. I may do that anyway as I know how much he misses me when I am gone. But I know I cannot do this without his full support. I need him. He needs me. Its what marriage is all about. Its when two become one, not separate entities. Your dreams need to meld together to become one. And I believe if you are patient, it will happen.
But if one decides, well, marriage be damned, I'm doing the trail anyway, then the marriage was doomed from the start, and not because of some dream or the trail, but something a whole lot deeper.
moondoggie
05-16-2010, 10:26
My 2 cents...sounds like he's a control freak. Let him go to Austrailia, maybe he won't come back :-)
That said, you should live you dreams, life's too short, etc., etc. Why doesn't he want you to go? #1 after love (that's true love) in a marriage, is TRUST. On his defense, sounds like you don't want him to go to Austrailia either...again, TRUST.
I happen to have a loving wife who wants me to realize my dream, so I'm walking in 2011. And, of course, I feel a bit selfish, but it just makes me want to realize her dreams as well. Sounds mushy...but hey...it's love (thanks E-harmony!)
One provocotive post, much discussion, no followup from the op. We may have us a troll! Or maybe not.Probably just scared off. This is a great site for advice on where you might need a mail drop, not so good to get relationship advice here. People here think it is normal to go off by themselves for months at a time, but they either are not in a 'normal' relationship involving spouse, house payments and long-term repsonsibilites, and are noy qualified to give advice, or they have worked out a relationship with a spouse that works for the both of them, but is unique and has developed over a period of time and cannot be 'taught' in a 100-word post.
Only a couple of posts in this long thread are "Here is what I did in a similar situation," which can be useful. Most are of the "Here is what you need to do" instructions by folks who have never been confronted by the dilemma faced by the OP.
She is smart not to have returned, would be even smarter to talk about her personal and family needs with her husband with the aid of a marital counseler.
Highpointbound
05-16-2010, 16:29
My wife, or I, don't need each other's stamp of approval to do anything. We are free to do whatever we want--whenever we want to do it. However, we would not ever really want to INTENTIONALLY do something that would cause the other person to experience heartache, discomfort, or pain.
That is one of my big concerns with some of the things written by the original poster (and by some of the people writing responses)--it seems to be so self-centered. The focus seems to be all about making certain that Meadowlark's wants, needs and goals are fulfilled--and the heck with her husband, his wants, his needs, and his goals.
It is pretty difficult to have a successful long-term relationship if it is all about you--and the heck with the other person (if they happen to disagree with you).
YOU seem to be the self centered one, PRAIN. You seem to to be the type of guy who wants to control his woman, and have all the say in the house. And you seem to have found the perfect woman for that in your wife.
I say that because you said in an earlier post that you showed the OP's post to your wife, and she said it seems that the OP doesnt want to be with her husband. WHY?? Just because she wants to take 4 months out of their ENTIRE LIFETIME they have together to do a darn hike???
Im surprised at some of the comments here, seeing as this is a community of hikers, and thru hikers. Husband and wifes, boyfriends and girldfriends, do NOT need to do EVERYTHING with each other. Her hubby wants her to wait until HE can go..well..honestly..who really knows when that will be?? No matter what time he thinks he may be ready. By then SHE might not be able to go. It's HER burning desrie to go..not his. He can meet up with her in different locations if he wants. This is why these older guys should stick to their own age when marrying.
So many men want younger women, yet these women are more care free and ready to go moreso at the drop of a hat, and these men cry. Stop marrying women young enuff to be your darn daughters and maybe SOME of this stuff wont happen, because you both will be at the same "place' in your lives, and have the same type of commitments and time schedules.
Tomorrow is not promised to you. Better do things now while you have the opportunity until waiting and sitting around all bitter because you missed an opportunity. the folks who are saying consider HIS feelings..well the same goes for HER feelings. Or do they not matter??
Her hubby needs to grow up and get over it. I lost someone very important to me one time by being controlling and insisting that all his time needed to be with me, and things needed to be my way. Folks best learn to give their SO some breathing room, and encourage their dreams, not squash them out.
Highpointbound
05-16-2010, 16:52
I am curious by nature, So I have to ask,
How many of you handing out advice on this subject are currently married and for how long?
Divorced?
Never Been married?
As mentioned earlier marriage is about comprise. Rarely is everyone 100% happy.
Another thought, why in the world would you get married while your still in college?????? You have even lived yet?
Yes, taking off for 6 months is selfish.
Why is this selfish???? So, if she were SINGLE, it would be okay. But, once the ring goes on that finger she should just forget any hopes, dreams, loves, goals, hobbies, that she has and be a good puppy???
So, in effect then you are saying all married people should forget any and everything they ever wanted to do in their life once they get married???
Im not suggesting that its reasonable to be able to do everyhting you wanted, single or married. but, it seems the only holdup here is poor hubbys feelings. Not anything else, like money, kids, etc. FEELINGS.
So.. all married people who have thru hiked are selfish bast---ds?? WOW! It cant just be about the love and desire of wanting to be out in the woods to challenge themselves, and try to experience something they may only get ONE shot at before real life settles in? It's because they are just plan selfish? Wow again.
Look, I get that one has to be respectful of others wishes when you are in ANY type of relationships, but that goes both ways. Im having a REAL hard time with folks calling this woman selfish merely because she wants to do a thru hike, which you all seem to either love or be fairly interested in (since you are on this board). :rolleyes:
All she wants to do is hike for 4-5 months, not leave and be a hooker in a foreign country for 2 years. Yes, she will be gone, but my gosh she is just hiking, and who knows if she would even make it the entire way?? How do military families handle seperations?
Even though I can't ever see myself doing a THRU hike (maybe sections) my boyfriend said he would think i was crazy, but he would support me because i have always been there for him and supported him when some others havent. Plus, he has done some hikes with me, and he KNOWS its not all fun and games.
I think her hubby is just being a big baby. His threatening to run off to Australia shows that he is trying to one up her, or some how have a war with her. So, his not wanting her to go without him is all just his petty ego.
People are not perfect, except at being themselves. What is right for many of the responders may not be right for the OP or her husband. What I find is that partners in a marriage or otherwise tend to become expert at pushing eachother's buttons. What pushing a button means is that the pusher has found a sore point on you that just about forces you to respond in kind. Well, that response tells us where our work is, and that can be a very good thing. That sort of work is what eventually changes ordinary people into wise old people, if they accept the challenge to change and not to jump at every button push. But there are many ways to escape, including running (walking) away, and driving the other away. Or reacting strongly and building anger and poison. It can also fester inside, and eventually poison everything.
Prain4u was talking about this. Accept that the other is simply a person with their own work to do, and maybe your best companion in your work, even if it sometimes gets difficult, or seems that way to someone on the outside. It's not for everyone, this hang tough and work it out stuff, but that is the nature of marriage. Marriages tend to work better when both partners try to serve eachother more than they try to serve themselves. But, as they say, HYOH.
And all the best to the OP and her husband, whatever they decide or work out together.
YOU seem to be the self centered one, PRAIN. You seem to to be the type of guy who wants to control his woman, and have all the say in the house. And you seem to have found the perfect woman for that in your wife.
I say that because you said in an earlier post that you showed the OP's post to your wife, and she said it seems that the OP doesnt want to be with her husband. WHY?? Just because she wants to take 4 months out of their ENTIRE LIFETIME they have together to do a darn hike???
Im surprised at some of the comments here, seeing as this is a community of hikers, and thru hikers. Husband and wifes, boyfriends and girldfriends, do NOT need to do EVERYTHING with each other. Her hubby wants her to wait until HE can go..well..honestly..who really knows when that will be?? No matter what time he thinks he may be ready. By then SHE might not be able to go. It's HER burning desrie to go..not his. He can meet up with her in different locations if he wants. This is why these older guys should stick to their own age when marrying.
So many men want younger women, yet these women are more care free and ready to go moreso at the drop of a hat, and these men cry. Stop marrying women young enuff to be your darn daughters and maybe SOME of this stuff wont happen, because you both will be at the same "place' in your lives, and have the same type of commitments and time schedules.
Tomorrow is not promised to you. Better do things now while you have the opportunity until waiting and sitting around all bitter because you missed an opportunity. the folks who are saying consider HIS feelings..well the same goes for HER feelings. Or do they not matter??
Her hubby needs to grow up and get over it. I lost someone very important to me one time by being controlling and insisting that all his time needed to be with me, and things needed to be my way. Folks best learn to give their SO some breathing room, and encourage their dreams, not squash them out.
Highpointbound:
1. My wife and I are in year 23 of our relationship and are starting year 21 of our marriage. It seems to work for us. Out of curiosity--how long have your relationships lasted?
2. My wife's comments--were merely her own "gut" feelings after reading the original post. My wife worked for many years as a marriage and family therapist. Thus, she has a little bit of experience to base her "hunch" upon. My wife didn't base her "hunch" upon the fact that the original poster wanted to be "gone for four months". It was based upon the general way that the original poster spoke of her husband and seemed to have very little desire to have her husband join her on the thru hike.
3. I definitely do not believe that couples need to do everything together--neither does my wife. Our own interests are VERY different, so we USUALLY take separate vacations and have done so for the past 17-18 years.
The problem is not that the original poster wants to pursue her dream--or that she would be apart from her husband. The problem is the fact that she and her husband would be apart for 4-7 consecutive months while she pursued the dream. STATISTICALLY SPEAKING--an extended period of absence significantly increases the chances that a marriage will end in divorce.
4. You seem to value autonomy and pursing one's own dreams --over modifying or adjusting one's dreams to incorporate the needs and dreams of the significant people around them. I hope that approach works out well for you. However, for most people, pursuing such an approach is merely a recipe for a relationship disaster.
5. We need to remember, that the original poster is just now fulfilling one big dream (completing college). That is a costly and time consuming dream. She has already been taking considerable time away from the relationship in recent years in order to pursue her schooling. Therefore, I think it IS selfish for her to almost immediately "demand" more time away from the relationship in order to pursue a thru hike. If you do not take time to nurture a relationship--it stands a very good chance of withering and dying. Her hubby wants to take some time to get them settled in a new town, find a job, and start having an income. That does not seem to be unreasonable.
Rain Man
05-17-2010, 09:36
5. We need to remember, that the original poster is just now fulfilling one big dream (completing college). That is a costly and time consuming dream. She has already been taking considerable time away from the relationship in recent years in order to pursue her schooling. Therefore, I think it IS selfish for her to almost immediately "demand" more time away from the relationship in order to pursue a thru hike. If you do not take time to nurture a relationship--it stands a very good chance of withering and dying.
Is this the same judgment you pass on anyone choosing to serve in the military? Or, anyone with a career? Many men pursue careers that are far more "time consuming" and "selfish" than college ever is. Do you think military tours are "time consuming"? I suspect you respect and praise those men, rather than calling them selfish.
Maybe she should just put on a berqua and submit to her man and the double-standard? Is that attitude "nurturing"?
The arm-chair extremism in this thread, attempting to paint colorful mosaics too much in black and white, is disturbing. I suspect each of them is doing some "giving" and some "taking" and it's up to them to work out a balance. Our conclusory over-the-top analysis won't do it for them.
Of course, we are all guessing. But that's my guess.
Rain Man
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6 months passes quick... almost as fast as it takes to read all this drivel... if they truly love one another, no biggee, just hike
Is this the same judgment you pass on anyone choosing to serve in the military? Or, anyone with a career? Many men pursue careers that are far more "time consuming" and "selfish" than college ever is. Do you think military tours are "time consuming"? I suspect you respect and praise those men, rather than calling them selfish.
Maybe she should just put on a berqua and submit to her man and the double-standard? Is that attitude "nurturing"?
. I suspect each of them is doing some "giving" and some "taking" and it's up to them to work out a balance. Our conclusory over-the-top analysis won't do it for them.
Of course, we are all guessing. But that's my guess.
Rain Man
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Rain Man,
1. Your logic and your argument take a pretty profound (and ridiculous) leap when you suggest that a husband asking (or demanding?) that his wife delay taking a thru hike is somehow on the road toward "put on a berqua and submit to her man and the double-standard".
2. You mention that, "The arm-chair extremism in this thread...is disturbing". Frankly, your "berqua" comment is one of the few examples of "arm-chair extremism" that I have seen on this thread. (This is rather surprising, as you are often one of the voices of logic and reason on WhiteBlaze).
3. The analogies that you give ("career" and the "military") are much different than "a thru hike". One of the biggest differences is that your two examples USUALLY provide a salary and benefits which can help the entire family. A thru hike rarely has any DIRECT benefit to the family members who remain back at home. If fact, a thru hike can often place considerable strain upon the family finances and upon the family members who remain at home.
4. I may surprise you here: I often DO call males "selfish" and "demanding" if they chose to pursue the military or certain "time consuming" dreams and careers. (NOTE: In military circles, I have taken much flack for questioning the decisions of Soldiers who VOLUNTEER for deployments to combat zones--when they already have a spouse or children. I especially challenge them if they have just returned from a prior deployment and they want to immediately leave again).
5. I do not believe that it is "wrong" for the original poster to want to pursue her goal. It is her apparent INFLEXIBILITY which raises all of the red flags. She IS part of a marriage--and she should probably take that relationship into consideration when planning her thru hike (if she expects that relationship to endure).
This couple is soon moving to a different State. Her hubby is starting a new job in that State. The husband has merely asked her to DELAY the thru hike until they are more settled and he can join her on the hike. Most people would consider his request to be extremely logical and reasonable. However, the original poster seems unwilling to delay the hike or be reasonable. She wants to begin the hike in March 2011 and nothing else will seem to satisfy her. So, yes, I think that she is probably being unreasonable and selfish. I would be equally critical of a male who was being similarly selfish and inflexible.
6. IF the original poster had said, "I want to go on a thru hike no later than March 2013--but my husband doesn't want me to go". THEN, I would have been critical of the husband--and not the wife. Having some flexibility in a start date would give the couple many options and ample time to get settled in the new State, build up some savings and to plan their lives and finances around the hike.
If the husband was opposed to that more reasonable proposal--then HE probably is the one with the problem (and he could be rightfully accused of perhaps wanting to haul out a berqua for the wife to wear).
There are only 9-10 months between now and March 2011. However, during that time, the OP wants to be in college classes until August. Then, she will graduate college in August. Following graduation, she plans to undertake a move from Ohio to Kansas and her husband will start a new job. (That probably brings us to sometime in September 2010).
Between September 2010 and March 2011, she plans on getting settled into a new home and her husband get settled into the new job--PLUS the OP wants to also prepare for a thru hike during that time.
To top things off, the OP has made no mention of her personally contributing to covering the cost of the couple's daily living expenses--or to covering the cost of her own thru hike--by getting a job herself. Thus, between September 2010 and March 2011, she needs to also squeeze in some time for a new job for herself (or expect the husband to totally finance everything--including the hike).
And, some people on WhiteBlaze consider the HUSBAND to be the unreasonable, controlling, selfish and manipulative one?
Why her post seemed selfish is because it was just shy of "if I don't get to hike I'm going to kill myself."
The reason why the husband seemed selfish was because his response sounded like "if you go on the hike I'm going to go to Australia."
Basically both of them are behaving badly and having a power struggle. I think that is all anybody's really objecting to, not so much the idea of pursuing dreams or hiking the trail.
Why her post seemed selfish is because it was just shy of "if I don't get to hike I'm going to kill myself."
The reason why the husband seemed selfish was because his response sounded like "if you go on the hike I'm going to go to Australia."
Basically both of them are behaving badly and having a power struggle. I think that is all anybody's really objecting to, not so much the idea of pursuing dreams or hiking the trail.
I agree 100%. Thanks for saying it so clearly.