View Full Version : to thru hike or stay with my girl?
stunt man
08-15-2010, 22:41
well i have been with my girlfriend for a little while now and things have always gone pretty well for the most part... we had our rocky moments like any relationship but we have always done pretty well... we have our differences but ive loved her the whole way through. the subject or marriage has come up on numerous occasions, and our lives together have been planned for the next 10 years. but lately our differences have become much more apparent to me. the more i think about it, the more i realize we are just two completely different people who want two completely different things in life. i was originally planning a 2010 thru but she is part of the reason i didnt go. the more i talked about my hiking plans, the more she rejected the idea... eversince i didnt go on my 2010 thru, it has been eating me alive... so i made plans for a 2011 thru. when i made these plans known there was a tension that was created between us and it brought out all our differences and forced us to face them instead of just pushing them off to the side like we had been this whole time... basically there was an unspoken ultimatum... stay with her so she will be happy, or go on the hike and we both go our separate ways... man, i sure am gonna miss her.
Say hello to the "Greatest Mountain" for me.....
Mountain Wildman
08-15-2010, 22:47
Tough choice either way, Good luck!!
Hope to see you out there.
NOBO 2011!!!
well i have been with my girlfriend for a little while now and things have always gone pretty well for the most part... we had our rocky moments like any relationship but we have always done pretty well... we have our differences but ive loved her the whole way through. the subject or marriage has come up on numerous occasions, and our lives together have been planned for the next 10 years. but lately our differences have become much more apparent to me. the more i think about it, the more i realize we are just two completely different people who want two completely different things in life. i was originally planning a 2010 thru but she is part of the reason i didnt go. the more i talked about my hiking plans, the more she rejected the idea... eversince i didnt go on my 2010 thru, it has been eating me alive... so i made plans for a 2011 thru. when i made these plans known there was a tension that was created between us and it brought out all our differences and forced us to face them instead of just pushing them off to the side like we had been this whole time... basically there was an unspoken ultimatum... stay with her so she will be happy, or go on the hike and we both go our separate ways... man, i sure am gonna miss her.There was a similar thread awhile back where someone else was dealing with this exact issue:http://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/showthread.php?t=54938
stunt man
08-15-2010, 23:26
this hike has been my dream for a long time... if she cant understand that, then we obviously dont belong together. its not just the hike, its other things as well but basically it has become an unspoken understanding that me doing this hike will be the deal breaker... i have to do this... theres other fish in the sea, right?
If that's the ultimatum then the relationship is over. You don't go and stay with her and you'll resent the hell out of her and either be miserable or break up. You go and she breaks up with you.
Either way you break up. One way you hike the AT. One way you don't.
If it's true love there is always room for compromise. Does it have to be a thru hike as opposed to a section hike. If it has to be thru could you take a week off here and there to spend with her. Probably other possibilities I'm not thinking of.
After 41 years with the same young lady I can tell you there better be room for compromise or you are better off to nip it now.
stunt man
08-15-2010, 23:35
If that's the ultimatum then the relationship is over. You don't go and stay with her and you'll resent the hell out of her and either be miserable or break up. You go and she breaks up with you.
Either way you break up. One way you hike the AT. One way you don't.
wow, i never thought about it that way... thanks
stunt man
08-15-2010, 23:38
If it's true love there is always room for compromise. Does it have to be a thru hike as opposed to a section hike. If it has to be thru could you take a week off here and there to spend with her. Probably other possibilities I'm not thinking of.
After 41 years with the same young lady I can tell you there better be room for compromise or you are better off to nip it now.
yeah i think i better nip it in the bud now, i love her like crazy but i think there are just too many differences between us that make us two completely different people... and in some cases opposites attract but lately since we have been talking alot more about it, we have discovered that we both have different directions in life... its just hard to sever the ties when we know its the right thing to do in the long run, but are currently still so in love
You didn't go with her this year for her. How about her stepping up and joining you on the trail or at trailheads next year? This way it's not such a huge separation.
turtle fast
08-16-2010, 00:35
Sometimes time apart can make a relationship stronger. You tend to appreciate things that you would not of thought of while together. If this is a big dream of yours, then she should "have your back" and support you. Let her know that it is one of your life's goals. It is easier said than done I know. You could also involve her in your hike. She can be home base and send you gear when needed, etc. Also, it is not like she could not visit you on the trail...even hike a section with you. I wish you good luck!
stunt man
08-16-2010, 01:49
well thats another part of the problem, shes your typical "girly girl" and isnt interested in hiking... as a mater of fact, shes not really into outdoor activities at all which is a problem for me because thats a huge part of my life. so that goes back to us being two different kinds of people. i love her alot but the more i think about it, the more i realize shes just not the right one for me.
and just incase some of you were wondering, this isnt just some high school puppy love thing. im 26 and i was planning on marrying her but i guess sometimes as much as you want something... sometimes the harder path is the right path to take. we are just too different and i think this would happen eventually anyways... regardless of whether or not i go on this hike. i think its better to end it now rather than drag it out and make it harder on us later on down the road.
the answers you seek will come to you on the trail, after you've been away a few weeks, you'll start asking yourself which you desire more? to be with her or continue the thru hike. only you can answer that, but don't let her bully you into coming back to her if you don't want to. if she loves you she will give you the time and space to do your thru hike and wait for you. if its not meant to be, you'll know soon enough after time away
well thats another part of the problem, shes your typical "girly girl" and isnt interested in hiking... as a mater of fact, shes not really into outdoor activities at all which is a problem for me because thats a huge part of my life. so that goes back to us being two different kinds of people. i love her alot but the more i think about it, the more i realize shes just not the right one for me.
She doesn't have to hike with you to participate. She can meet you at resupply points to help you resupply, clean up and make up for lost intimacy. Maybe get her a copy of The Cactus Eaters and show her the part about Mark and Sweet Elaine.
Wombat Farm
08-16-2010, 02:26
well i have been with my girlfriend for a little while now and things have always gone pretty well for the most part... we had our rocky moments like any relationship but we have always done pretty well... we have our differences but ive loved her the whole way through. the subject or marriage has come up on numerous occasions, and our lives together have been planned for the next 10 years. but lately our differences have become much more apparent to me. the more i think about it, the more i realize we are just two completely different people who want two completely different things in life. i was originally planning a 2010 thru but she is part of the reason i didnt go. the more i talked about my hiking plans, the more she rejected the idea... eversince i didnt go on my 2010 thru, it has been eating me alive... so i made plans for a 2011 thru. when i made these plans known there was a tension that was created between us and it brought out all our differences and forced us to face them instead of just pushing them off to the side like we had been this whole time... basically there was an unspoken ultimatum... stay with her so she will be happy, or go on the hike and we both go our separate ways... man, i sure am gonna miss her.
Enjoy the hike! When you are at the point in a relationship that an ultimatum to or from anyone comes into play...it's already over. Only YOU can make yourself happy... :-)
It seems like you already have the answer.
Also..I completely agree with elgranola.
stunt man
08-16-2010, 03:53
well i really appreciate all the help! my biggest problem is i tend to be more concerned for other peoples happiness before mine... which isnt always a bad thing but i tend to put other people before myself entirely too much. i guess if its meant to be, it will happen... but as far as im concerned, ill see you all on the trail in 2011
berkshirebirder
08-16-2010, 07:09
we have been talking alot more about it, we have discovered that we both have different directions in life... its just hard to sever the ties when we know its the right thing to do in the long run...
Disagreeing about a thru-hike is one thing, stuntman--different directions in life is a much bigger thing. Many couples include an "outdoor" person and a "not outdoor" person. Sharing some interests and having others that are separate can make for a healthy, happy relationship. Young couples aren't always secure enough in their relationship to work this out.
Does your girlfriend know WHY she doesn't want you to thru-hike? It could be a number of things, some of which just need reassurance or compromise, as others said.
On the other hand, if she thinks you eventually will change into a "not outdoor" person like her--that doesn't sound promising.
Maybe having time apart would be a good way for each of you to take stock of the relationship.
vinovampire
08-16-2010, 07:34
One word of warning, no matter what you decide to do, make sure you're "using protection" prior to the trip. It's your responsibility. In the past three years, I've known several guys who were in the exact same situation as you. I don't want to get into too many details, but in each case the guy I know was planning or started on a big trip, then "unexpectedly" the GF became pregnant. In each case, somebody "forgot" to keep taking their birth control pills.
In one of the cases, my coworker was already "out west" on his life changing adventure when he got the phone call to "step up and be a man." In the case of my neighbor, his GF told two of her female co-workers (who are my really good friends and occasional hiker partners) that she had secretly stopped taking her birth control pills so he "couldn't leave her." And, I could go on with several other stories, but you get the idea.
In any event, just realize sometime this can happen, so it's up to you to make sure it doesn't happen to you. Good luck!
Best,
Vino Vampire!
sherrill
08-16-2010, 07:36
I was in a similar situation in college. I chose to hike, and have never regretted it.
I still stay in touch with her and we both agree we did the right thing by admitting that we had different goals and moved on. Wasn't easy, but a lot of things in life aren't.
peakbagger
08-16-2010, 07:38
To pull out the stereotype" men marry woman hoping they will never change, woman marry women hoping they will". Its highly unlikely that there will ever be a good time to thruhike in your current relationship and if you do thruhike, I expect that your expectations will change as to who you want for a partner. If you do suppress your goals to enter a relationship with your current partner, you are probably on your way to the 50% of the marriages that end in divorce.
Marriages are give and take. Sometimes you give more than your share other times you receive more than your share.
I have never given the wife an ultimatum, especially during the dating phase. Not knowing this person, It sounds like they expect you to carry much more than your half of the relationship comprises.
Dreams are all we have.
The Solemates
08-16-2010, 09:10
just talk her into going with you. thats what i did :)
It is not so important that she go with you. It is much more important that you each support the other in your seperate activities.
I have been section hiking on the AT for 10 years. This year was a 400 mile section for 30 days. My wife went with me, but decided after 20 days she was not having the same fun that I was, but did not want me to stop before I met my goal for this year. She found other stuff to do in Harpers Ferry while I went the last 120 miles that I had set for the goal.
Support is the most important thing, not necessarly being together.
What about doing the PCT. It would be closer to home and easier for her to meet you at different times. She could also be the supply drop mailer.
bulldog49
08-16-2010, 09:36
Why are you making such a private matter a public one? Have the courage to make this decision for yourself without seeking the approval of others. The word narcissism comes to mind.
Shortly after we were married, when I suggested we head for a week in the Whites, my wife announced that she was "never going to lower myself to sleeping on the ground."
But she came around. Quite quickly we were backpacking in Baxter State Park -- Chimney Pond, Davis Shelter, and Russell Pond. Then when our youngest was five-years-old all five of us climbed Katahdin together.
She never became an avid hiker, but we have camped in scores of state and national forests and state and national parks over the decades. We'll observe our 48th anniversary in a few weeks.
Despite the mantra. No doesn't always mean no.
Weary
stunt man
08-16-2010, 12:37
Why are you making such a private matter a public one? Have the courage to make this decision for yourself without seeking the approval of others. The word narcissism comes to mind.
because i was taught my whole life to use the sources around me to make an educated decision about any problems... and call me crazy but i figured there were quite a few people on here that might have already gone through the same situation. who better to talk to than people that have been through it before? i wasnt looking for people to make the decision for me but sometimes it helps to give you a different perspective when you get an outsiders opinion... if ur going to be a smart ass and leave comments like that id appreciate it if you just didnt say anything.
I don't think it's a bad thing at all that you're asking for others' opinions.
It seems like you've already really made up your mind, whether you recognize it or not. I can only tell you what I would do, given what you've said here, and that is to hit the trail (no pun intended).
stunt man
08-16-2010, 12:40
What about doing the PCT. It would be closer to home and easier for her to meet you at different times. She could also be the supply drop mailer.
i live in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania, not Pittsburg California
Dude, she's playing you. You already failed her first test by postponing your hike. Now, she figures you for a weenie and is just waiting for your second failure. Grow a set and go hiking. If she dumps you (or you dump her), at least you won't be known as her spineless wimp ex-boyfriend. Even if you stay home, she'll eventually dump you. Women generally don't stay with pussies very long unless they're gay.
* you asked for relationship advice online. FAIL!
Rain Man
08-16-2010, 14:15
... basically there was an unspoken ultimatum... stay with her so she will be happy, or go on the hike and we both go our separate ways... man, i sure am gonna miss her.
Living in Nashville as I do, this reminds me of a country song! :D
Good for you.
Rain:sunMan
.
-SEEKER-
08-16-2010, 16:31
If you were in a coma for 4 to 6 months would she leave you?!!! GO THRU-HIKE.
budforester
08-16-2010, 17:01
Maybe you two could consider premarital counselling. A good facilitator can help you discuss issues, needs, compromises, etc. Whether to split or to join your lives forever is a big decision.
Sierra Echo
08-16-2010, 17:08
I'm sorry but if someone told me I had to choose between them and hiking, I would chose hiking. Nobody has the right to give you ultimatiums like that. And remember a girlfriend/boyfriend is easy to replace. And its not costly like a divorce. You are still young. Go experience life.
..... And remember a girlfriend/boyfriend is easy to replace. And its not costly.....
Not in my experience
Sierra Echo
08-16-2010, 20:16
Not in my experience
Then next time you give someone the heave ho, consult me first.
I will give you some pointers!
Many Walks
08-16-2010, 22:29
Compromise isn't bad, but ultimatums are! Dump hiking and gradually everything you like will be off limits. In time you won't be able to go fishing, buy guns, watch football or ride a Harley. Ultimately you'll only have permission to watch HGTV and go shopping for nail polish with her. Follow your dreams and if hers fit with yours, great. If not, you're better off making yourself happy rather than ignoring your dreams only to live hers. Instead of limiting your activities, maybe she should find something she likes to do while you're hiking. Maybe she'd like to explore some trail towns with a girl friend while you're hiking to them, then you can all meet up. Good luck.... enjoy your hike and your life!
I figured, "I just thru hiked the Appalachian Trail." would get some panties off pretty easily. If this is not true then someone tell me now so I don't have to think about doing it anymore.
stunt man
08-17-2010, 01:57
I figured, "I just thru hiked the Appalachian Trail." would get some panties off pretty easily. If this is not true then someone tell me now so I don't have to think about doing it anymore.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! ok screw it, im goin with your theory
stunt man
08-17-2010, 02:08
Dude, she's playing you. You already failed her first test by postponing your hike. Now, she figures you for a weenie and is just waiting for your second failure. Grow a set and go hiking. If she dumps you (or you dump her), at least you won't be known as her spineless wimp ex-boyfriend. Even if you stay home, she'll eventually dump you. Women generally don't stay with pussies very long unless they're gay.
* you asked for relationship advice online. FAIL!
well, i wasnt really looking for "advice." i was more so just trying to get opinions on the situation... if you would have taken the time to read my entire original post you would have seen that my last sentence said "...basically there was an unspoken ultimatum... stay with her so she will be happy, or go on the hike and we both go our separate ways... man, i sure am gonna miss her."
apparently Rain Man was the only one to pick up on this.
Sierra Echo
08-17-2010, 06:31
well, i wasnt really looking for "advice." i was more so just trying to get opinions on the situation... if you would have taken the time to read my entire original post you would have seen that my last sentence said "...basically there was an unspoken ultimatum... stay with her so she will be happy, or go on the hike and we both go our separate ways... man, i sure am gonna miss her."
apparently Rain Man was the only one to pick up on this.
If you don't want people putting in their 2 cents worth, then maybe you shouldn't be posting your problems. Just sayin.
berkshirebirder
08-17-2010, 06:44
I think chief is playing games with you, stuntman. This comes with the territory.
For every hiker who posts here about the wonders of long-distance hiking, there are many others who don't post here who might give different advice.
The decision is yours to make.
The decision is yours to make.
Or not.
A whole lot of people who think they are going to go on a thru hike "next year" never do-- often for reasons they failed to consider so far ahead of time.
And of those who do start a thru hike, a whole lot of them return home sooner than planned.
Blue Jay
08-17-2010, 07:54
One word of warning, no matter what you decide to do, make sure you're "using protection" prior to the trip. It's your responsibility. In the past three years, I've known several guys who were in the exact same situation as you. I don't want to get into too many details, but in each case the guy I know was planning or started on a big trip, then "unexpectedly" the GF became pregnant. In each case, somebody "forgot" to keep taking their birth control pills.
This type of "accident" happens all the time, very very effective control device. Better yet get away from her NOW.
Firefighter503
08-17-2010, 09:44
I think you are making the right decision by going on a thru hike. I haven't done a thru yet, but w/ my girlfriend it was always a problem when I wanted to do things that she didn't "approve" of. A contract job in Iraq, a motorcycle, firearms, etc. With each activity, she decided to go ahead and participate (riding on the back of my bike, going to the range with me, etc). She did seem to enjoy those things when she came along, but I could tell that she was just really not that into it. She came along more to just be with me. Good on her for that, but we didn't *really* enjoy any of the same things like we should have.
As much as it hurt after 5.5 years, I am single now, but probably better off for it.
Strap her to your pack and hit the trail.
corialice81
08-17-2010, 10:00
I was given the ultimatium last year....
I hiked...
...best decision I ever made!!!!! I'm stronger now for it too!
A wise person once told me that I already knew what my decision was and that I didn't need to hear it from anyone else...I just needed to do it. The hardest part was leaving my "comfort" zone. I just took it one step at a time.
Have an awesome, life-changing experience on the trail next year! :banana
Much love,
Grom
A Very old joke that sort of fits:
"My wife took the dog & left me, I sure am going to miss that dog!"
:p
well, i wasnt really looking for "advice." i was more so just trying to get opinions on the situation... if you would have taken the time to read my entire original post you would have seen that my last sentence said "...basically there was an unspoken ultimatum... stay with her so she will be happy, or go on the hike and we both go our separate ways... man, i sure am gonna miss her."
apparently Rain Man was the only one to pick up on this.
Yeah, I read your last sentence, but I didn't take it as gospel since you did tell us you backed off once before. Hiking season 2011 is a ways off.
stunt man
08-17-2010, 12:26
well i had the talk with her and told her how i felt about everything. it wasnt easy but i told her i was done. i have decided to move out of my apt (i live across the street from her) and go somewhere else for the next 6 months. i postponed a dream once already and it got me nowhere, im not doing that again. i already have all my gear so im ready to go.
Plan an overnighter with some buds for the weekend doood. And take a flask.
budforester
08-17-2010, 13:34
Been there, done that; long ago and rarely remembered.
Have a great hike, stunt man!
-SEEKER-
08-17-2010, 16:29
well i had the talk with her and told her how i felt about everything. it wasnt easy but i told her i was done. i have decided to move out of my apt (i live across the street from her) and go somewhere else for the next 6 months. i postponed a dream once already and it got me nowhere, im not doing that again. i already have all my gear so im ready to go.
It's hard and it hurts. Hiking the trail will change your life for the better. Healing is one of the many experiences you will have along the way. Good luck with your planning and enjoy your journey next year!
If it's true love there is always room for compromise. Does it have to be a thru hike as opposed to a section hike. If it has to be thru could you take a week off here and there to spend with her. Probably other possibilities I'm not thinking of.
After 41 years with the same young lady I can tell you there better be room for compromise or you are better off to nip it now.
If it were true love, there would be no ultimatum
I figured, "I just thru hiked the Appalachian Trail." would get some panties off pretty easily. If this is not true then someone tell me now so I don't have to think about doing it anymore.
That's about the funniest damn thing I've ever read on Whiteblaze!!
kombiguy
08-20-2010, 22:03
When I got married, I told my wife that when I retired from air traffic control, I was going to sail around the world. The closer I got to retirement, the more resistance she put up to the idea. I retired, haven't done the sail, and have regretted it ever since. And it has put a big strain on out marriage.
I gave up alot of interesting things that I loved doing so that I could spend time and be there for a woman. As a result, I became a less interesting and she eventually left me for becoming boring. She wanted it both ways and couldn't see why that wouldn't work. My PCT thru-hike wouldn't have happened nor my upcoming AT hike if I was still there so I think she did me a huge favor when she left; though at the time, I didn't think so.
Some women hold you back while others make you a better man. I hope you find in time that you've made the right decision.
mainelydave
09-09-2010, 08:41
Great decision! There are far more opportunities to find another woman in the future then there are opportunities to hike the entire trail. If you don't do it in your early 20's before you settle down, get married, have kids, etc..., then you'll likely have to wait until your 60's. Do it while you can. I regret not doing it when I could have, and now hope I'll hold up enough so I can complete it when I retire.
I've always thought this phrase was a bit tacky, but inherently true. "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. " Perhaps you should share it with your girlfriend.
Happy trails.
4eyedbuzzard
09-09-2010, 10:26
Then again, if she's really hot and really rich . . . :-? ;) :D . . . sectioning might not be out of the question.
JybbaGirl
09-09-2010, 10:41
hey stuntman! as the girlfriend of a very frequent hiker, he leaves pretty much every spring for at least a month, sometimes a few months, and he's gone every week for 1-2 nights. he did his AT thru-hike before we met, but he plans to do the PCT and CDT in the coming years so i can relate to your situation in some ways... it's slightly different because i love hiking and am planning thru-hike of my own, but the relationship part is the same. when your gf or bf is gone for months at a time, sometimes with no contact at all, BOTH of you will need to make the extra effort.
its impossible to say whether or not you should stay with her or break-up, but i will say that it takes a lot of compromise and trust to date a long distance hiker. my only advice to you would be to have a very honest conversation with your gf and ask her if she would be willing to meet you a few times along the trail, in towns. ask yourself if you would be willing to take 3-4 days off at a time so you can spend time in a motel with her. i think that when she meets your trail friends and sees how happy you are, she will be excited for you and would never again ask you to give that up.
if you guys decide to give it a shot, there are lots of ways to involve her in the process of planning and packing, which helps make it feel less like a separation and keeps her excited about it, rather than dreading the time apart. have her send your mail drops for you so she can sneak in notes and treats of her own. take time to write her notes while you are on the trail. i have loads of suggestions for staying connected on the trail... if you go that route.
hope you figure your relationship out - but whatever you decide, keep planning that hike! :D
Then again, if she's really hot and really rich . . . :-? ;) :D . . . sectioning might not be out of the question.
Hey Buzzard!
Did you used to post at Golf Channel DBs? I'm Arkie in CT from over there. Anyhow, have gotten into hiking apace this summer. Have done small segments of the AT - Bear in CT, Everett, Race and Saddleball/Greylock in Mass (the latter on Labor Day - great views that day, all the way to Mt. Washington and the Adirondacks).
stunt man:
I think you're probably making the right move. There should be compromise, support and cooperation if a relationship is healthy and working well. My sense of it is there's not enough give and take there. A break-up can be hard in any event, but sometimes, as the expression goes, you've got to rip the bandage off and endure the sharp, shocking pain that goes with it. Good luck to you.
And I hope you have a ball, a grand time, hiking the Trail next year. I've seen only small pieces of it and am smitten. I recommend you read up on its history before you go, not just trail guides - just to cite one example, how Hawthorne, Thoreau and Melville gloried in the massive Greylock and how the latter drew on it as his muse for Moby-Dick.
You've probably read "A Walk in the Woods" already. If you haven't, by all means do, it's a delight. But that's just a start - so much more out there. And from what I gather, it's a great idea to fully enjoy the hike by taking in side trails. The ones I've seen in my area are mostly awesome and worth the detour. It's not all just about covering 15-20 miles, or more, of AT every day. One tidbit: on a clear day, in CT, from Lion's Head north overlook you can get a great, inspiring view of Greylock, likewise from the amazing cliffs of Mt. Race just over the line in Mass.
I could go on more, but won't. I wish you all the best. And when you get up toward NY/CT/MA, I'd be happy to bring you reinforcements/ refreshments if I'm in the neighborhood and maybe join you for a day or part of one. That'd be fun.
Best regards.
Not enough information, but to me it sounds like she should have kicked your ass to the curb months ago. I should know because my wife should have done the same to me years ago. Best of luck to both of you. ;)
4eyedbuzzard
09-09-2010, 14:55
Hey Buzzard!
Did you used to post at Golf Channel DBs? I'm Arkie in CT from over there. Anyhow, have gotten into hiking apace this summer. Have done small segments of the AT - Bear in CT, Everett, Race and Saddleball/Greylock in Mass (the latter on Labor Day - great views that day, all the way to Mt. Washington and the Adirondacks).
Arkie! I would be the same buzzard. Small cyberworld. I remember you and many of the other regular suspects from there - we had some wonderful discussions and great fun. The daily politics and name calling got too heavy / serious for me though and I just decided to limit my time there (and here too). I visit for a week or two and then fade away for a while.
stranger
09-09-2010, 15:18
It's already over comrade...you just don't know it yet.
northernstorm
09-09-2010, 17:18
One word of warning, no matter what you decide to do, make sure you're "using protection" prior to the trip. It's your responsibility. In the past three years, I've known several guys who were in the exact same situation as you. I don't want to get into too many details, but in each case the guy I know was planning or started on a big trip, then "unexpectedly" the GF became pregnant. In each case, somebody "forgot" to keep taking their birth control pills.
In one of the cases, my coworker was already "out west" on his life changing adventure when he got the phone call to "step up and be a man." In the case of my neighbor, his GF told two of her female co-workers (who are my really good friends and occasional hiker partners) that she had secretly stopped taking her birth control pills so he "couldn't leave her." And, I could go on with several other stories, but you get the idea.
In any event, just realize sometime this can happen, so it's up to you to make sure it doesn't happen to you. Good luck!
Best,
Vino Vampire!
this is the best message in this thread.
northernstorm
09-09-2010, 17:23
hey stuntman! as the girlfriend of a very frequent hiker, he leaves pretty much every spring for at least a month, sometimes a few months, and he's gone every week for 1-2 nights. he did his AT thru-hike before we met, but he plans to do the PCT and CDT in the coming years so i can relate to your situation in some ways... it's slightly different because i love hiking and am planning thru-hike of my own, but the relationship part is the same. when your gf or bf is gone for months at a time, sometimes with no contact at all, BOTH of you will need to make the extra effort.
its impossible to say whether or not you should stay with her or break-up, but i will say that it takes a lot of compromise and trust to date a long distance hiker. my only advice to you would be to have a very honest conversation with your gf and ask her if she would be willing to meet you a few times along the trail, in towns. ask yourself if you would be willing to take 3-4 days off at a time so you can spend time in a motel with her. i think that when she meets your trail friends and sees how happy you are, she will be excited for you and would never again ask you to give that up.
if you guys decide to give it a shot, there are lots of ways to involve her in the process of planning and packing, which helps make it feel less like a separation and keeps her excited about it, rather than dreading the time apart. have her send your mail drops for you so she can sneak in notes and treats of her own. take time to write her notes while you are on the trail. i have loads of suggestions for staying connected on the trail... if you go that route.
hope you figure your relationship out - but whatever you decide, keep planning that hike! :D
my wife is very supportive, and i think that this message explains why. she joined me during one of my long sections to visit when i was passing through town. she saw my friends, my smile, and never bugged me about it again.
Hey man, you made the right choice. I'm 24 and want to do the AT next year also. I actually had two different girlfriends that I dated for over a year each; thought I would marry them and passed up soooo many opportunities. I didn't do a study abroad, went to a college 20 mins from my house, etc. Broke up with both them, was single for two years, then I met this awesome girl last halloween. She thinks the AT sounds awesome and is very supportive of the idea. I'm going to make arrangements to see her at least once a month, not because she's making me, because I want to see her too. Of course we'll miss each other, but if we're going to be with each other for the rest of our lives, I think she'd rather that I just go ahead and do it instead of wondering "what if" for the next 50 years. Bottom line: ya, theres other fish in the sea.
Stunt Man, GO!
If this is true love you will know when you are out there or when you are done. Have to keep yourself happy, making a compromise like this could cause you serious pain for the rest of your life. If she does not get that well then...............
I have been with my wife for 22 years, she is awesome, if she said no to a thru hike we would have serious problem and we have been through a LOT together.
...........good input on the "stay protected" piece, good twist there.
Not enough information, but to me it sounds like she should have kicked your ass to the curb months ago. I should know because my wife should have done the same to me years ago. .....;)
I sometimes can't believe the things I put my wife though in the early days of our marriage. I moved her into a junk house, pregnant with our first child, with no running water and no toilet facilities, took scores of "working" weekends exploring mountains, and covering interesting environmental stories, despite a union contract declaring 37.5 hour work weeks. But it all worked out. Well, we are still together 49 years later.
Weary
4eyedbuzzard
09-09-2010, 22:50
I sometimes can't believe the things I put my wife though in the early days of our marriage. I moved her into a junk house, pregnant with our first child, with no running water and no toilet facilities, took scores of "working" weekends exploring mountains, and covering interesting environmental stories, despite a union contract declaring 37.5 hour work weeks. But it all worked out. Well, we are still together 49 years later.
Weary
Congrats on your upcoming 50th weary. My wife and I just celebrated 27 years together. Like most couples with a few years in, we've experienced a wide range of good times and bad. But just the other day I was out weed wacking - one of the never ending jobs that need to get done. She called me in to tell me my friend called to see if I wanted to play golf - and asked approx. what time would I be home. Like she has always said, if she didn't "let me go" (not that permission is really required), I'd be miserable to be around anyway.
Relationships always involve some sacrifice and compromise, but they also involve support for each others desires. Some people can work the competing interests and responsibilities out, some can't. But in my experience, usually the ones that can't work things out tend to have a pretty good selfish streak when all is said and done.
stonedflea
09-10-2010, 00:35
And if your love laughs at your dreams
Well it's not as bad as it seems
Either way one of them has got to go
was listenin to my avett brothers cd the other day and when this song came on, i actually thought of this thread. just thought i'd share. =)
Arkie! I would be the same buzzard. Small cyberworld. I remember you and many of the other regular suspects from there - we had some wonderful discussions and great fun. The daily politics and name calling got too heavy / serious for me though and I just decided to limit my time there (and here too). I visit for a week or two and then fade away for a while.
Buzzard, My Man! Great to link back up with you!
I've put golf and tgc db in the back seat, if not the trunk, since getting so much into hiking this summer. Hiked a lot in 2007 and 2008 (mostly locally), a little in 2006, but really got into it this year. Don't see myself ever through-hiking, but I'm setting and surpassing bigger goals with each one I meet. Next is Stratton. Next summer, Mt. Washington via Tuckerman Ravine as well as Mt. Lafayette ridge. By age 50 (I'm 43), I hope to climb/hike Longs Peak in Colo, in honor of my mom, who climbed it twice in hs.
Would enjoy meeting up with you someday. We could even get a hike/golf twofer in if you like. The times I do golf now, I play as well or better than when I played all the time - probably better conditioning and strength.
Do you rock climb? That I'm developing a hankering for. Intend to ease into that over time, too, especially after shedding more weight.
-Driver Arkie
4eyedbuzzard
09-10-2010, 01:35
Buzzard, My Man! Great to link back up with you!
I've put golf and tgc db in the back seat, if not the trunk, since getting so much into hiking this summer. Hiked a lot in 2007 and 2008 (mostly locally), a little in 2006, but really got into it this year. Don't see myself ever through-hiking, but I'm setting and surpassing bigger goals with each one I meet. Next is Stratton. Next summer, Mt. Washington via Tuckerman Ravine as well as Mt. Lafayette ridge. By age 50 (I'm 43), I hope to climb/hike Longs Peak in Colo, in honor of my mom, who climbed it twice in hs.
Would enjoy meeting up with you someday. We could even get a hike/golf twofer in if you like. The times I do golf now, I play as well or better than when I played all the time - probably better conditioning and strength.
Do you rock climb? That I'm developing a hankering for. Intend to ease into that over time, too, especially after shedding more weight.
-Driver Arkie
Sounds good! I'd like to get out for an overnight or two night hike before the weather turns - Stratton Pond and the area around there would be nice this time of year. I blew my back out bad in 2008 - again - third spine injury since 2003. Couldn't work as an electrician anymore so I went back to college in 2008 and just graduated this summer. My golf game is now about a 12 hdcp (doesn't improve much with practice and the back gets sore, so why bother) and I can't do a lot of hard up and down miles on the trail, but I still like to get out there. We should compare schedules and see if we can arrange a round of golf and a hike. I'll PM you tomorrow sometime in the evening with my contact info.
Sounds good!
Hi again, Buzz. Sorry to hear about your back - yikes - but pleased for you w/r/t the college degree. Congrats!
Stratton might be a reasonable half-way point for us, and I gather it's not the hardest hike and yet affords superb views from the fire tower. I might be able to rustle up another friend or two to come along, too. Look forward to hearing from you.
Anybody who asks should I hike or stay with my girlfriend shouldn't be in the relationship.
I hiked AND stayed with my boyfriend. He helped me with my hike. He actually liked that I was out there hiking. He said it made his boring work life more interesting to be imagining my adventures.
The following year he announced that he wanted to hike. I was very excited about this! I would get to mail his packages and think of little ways to sneak in special stuff to make him happy. I could send him things I remember wishing I had (fresh baked cookies, avocados, maybe a little note or a picture of the two of us.) I made plans to try and do some weekend hikes where I might bump into him on the trail. Not only would I get to do all this for him, I would get the house to myself.
I swear when his trip was cut short after only about 10 days I think I was more disappointed than he was.
Anyway, it doesn't have to be an either/or situation
If its a wanderlust issue, move on.
I had a gal kick me to the curb in college after 3 years together..I wasn't the commitment type at the time. What a blessing. After working on a Wagon Train, service in the Peace Corps, starting multiple businesses,etc... I knew it couldn't have happened without marrying another soul as willing to step into adventure.
But yeah...like the others said, sounds like its already over.
Enjoy the hike! Hopefully see you out there next summer!
ShoelessWanderer
09-11-2010, 00:05
If she really loved you, she'd support your dreams even if she doesn't understand them. Get out while you still can.
Don't sweat the small stuff man. I'm certain there are at least one or two folks here that would be glad to keep the girlfriend company whilst ye travel.......just sayin'....
I sometimes can't believe the things I put my wife though in the early days of our marriage. I moved her into a junk house, pregnant with our first child, with no running water and no toilet facilities, took scores of "working" weekends exploring mountains, and covering interesting environmental stories, despite a union contract declaring 37.5 hour work weeks. But it all worked out. Well, we are still together 49 years later.
WearyCongrats Weary. 18 years here so far.