How did you break the news to your friends/family? [Archive]

chris

11-21-2004, 20:23

Me: "Mom, I'm hiking the PCT this summer."
Mom: "That sounds nice."

Me:"I'm hiking the PCT this summer."
Thesis Advisor:"Not a good idea if you want to continue in research. Have a good time."

Me:"Pa, I'm hiking the PCT this summer."
Pa:"Isn't it rather hot in the desert? Maybe I'll do that after I retire."

Ultimately, the call is yours, but you need to be aware of the consequences. Is going on the hike worth a potential breakup? The people that I've met that had a less than enthusiastic significant other at home ended up breaking off the relationship while they were hiking. So, know that if you hike and she isn't completely on board, you will probably be looking for a new woman when you are done hiking. The masters degree will always be there. Taking a year off isn't a big deal.

For me, going on the hike was worth leaving research for. You need to make up your mind and decide what is important for you. Everyone else will adjust, understand, or leave you. But, that is not important. What is important is that you decided to do what was best for you at the time, and did not leave your life path in the hands of others. This is your life, not theirs.

Alligator

11-21-2004, 20:35

I chose the woman and the Masters Degree. Now I'm a section hiker. Do the thru. The Masters Degree will always be there. It's best to start graduate school in the fall anyway. If the woman is telling you to get the Masters now, she is unlikely to be supportive in the future. Every year that you put it off decreases the chances that you will get to do your thru. You've gotten your Bachelors, do something for yourself.

Patco

11-21-2004, 22:12

"break the news that were planning on stopping your life for half a year to go hiking"

I know most long distance hikers will tell you that you're not stopping your life to go hiking. The hike is some of the most LIVING that you will ever do. Someone who would discourage you from going for a long hike is being selfish to deprive you of the spiritual, visual, physical, intelectual growth experience that a long hike can bring. Now if my wife or mom or dad or brother were terminally ill, or if I just had to work another 2 years to get full retirement, or if other reasons would make the timing better to wait, then sure I'd consider them fully. Otherwise you just weigh all the options and make the best decision you can - then don't look back. (unless you hear Wayne Doyle running up behind you)

grrickar

11-21-2004, 22:39

One comment that I will make is this: if you have ever had a friend or family member who was terminally ill, you start to think about things in an entirely different way. Most of us get up ever morning and think that we will live forever (at least in our youth most of us think that) but the bottom line is that there are no guarantees in life. The dangers of putting off something that you really want to do is that you might not ever get around to it, and that could happen for a variety of reasons.

After my first long distance (what I consider long distance anyway) hike I discovered that while hiking I did not think about work, world issues, or any other troubles. I focused on how wonderful the surroundings were and how free it made me feel to be outdoors and away from everything.

I have only done a small section, but someday I will have worked my way up to wanting to do the entire trail, and I plan to try and involve those I love as much as possible my experience. Ideally, I want to have them meet me at towns along the way and perhaps even hike small sections with me.

Cheesy as it may sound, one of my favorite phrases from a movie was from Braveheart - "Every man dies. Not every man lives"

Lilred

11-21-2004, 22:44

Go on the hike. The girlfriend wants you to get a masters?? hmmmmm

The masters can wait. If you don't go now, you may have to wait decades to go. If you've got the time now, go for it. I know I would. If the girlfriend leaves you, you may be better off in the long run.

Alligator

11-21-2004, 23:10

One comment that I will make is this: if you have ever had a friend or family member who was terminally ill, you start to think about things in an entirely different way. Most of us get up ever morning and think that we will live forever (at least in our youth most of us think that) but the bottom line is that there are no guarantees in life. The dangers of putting off something that you really want to do is that you might not ever get around to it, and that could happen for a variety of reasons.
...
Or you might even marry the girl, plan on doing the hike after graduate school, maybe even together. Then one of you develops a serious illness, perhaps one not immediately terminal, like Multiple Sclerosis. Things like that can happen to anybody.

Did I say do the thru, because you really should do the thru. If she's not there when you get back, she wasn't the one. But if she's waiting for you on the Big K...

The Will

11-21-2004, 23:36

During my thru there was a girl back home that was tugging pretty hard on my heart strings. Within the first four weeks of the hike I gave strong consideration to leaving the trail to be with her. When I expressed this, she was very supportive of my hike and encouraged me to continue. Two months later she abruptly changed her mind about our relationship. She has gone but the memories of the AT remain; it is a perpetual experience.

Many of the above posts waste little time in essentially saying “hike the trail regardless of what your girlfriend thinks.” I doubt they mean any disrespect to your girlfriend, but instead, are themselves thru-hikers and know how enriching and irreplaceable the AT experience can be. And perhaps they, like me, are idealist to a degree and believe that a genuine love, a reciprocal relationship should be based on supporting the others sovereignty.

I don’t think a 6 month hike is an unreasonable thing to ask of a relationship, barring it doesn’t occur during financial dire straits or family crisis. You would still be in touch regularly and she could even meet up with you a few times along the way.

Now is now. Someday never arrives. When will you hike the AT?

RITBlake

11-21-2004, 23:50

Now is now. Someday never arrives. When will you hike the AT?

I would be leaving this spring... late may early june.

Thanks for all the advice. My mind and heart are set on thru hiking this spring so I will most likely be going.

but.. what you guys wrote will help me convince her that this will be a worthwhile experience....thanks!

Hammock Hanger

11-21-2004, 23:56

It was actually my husbands idea that I go. He had to go back to a real job and that put our thru-hike dream on hold. He said I should go... I did! (My mom was totally against a woman leaving her husband for any length of time. Not to mention sleeping with guys in shelter...)

I went. I Thought of my husband everyday, I missed him terribly, but the hike and all it held was well worth the temporary seperation.

Sue/HH

Megabite

11-22-2004, 00:54

hike the AT, if the girlfriend really cares about you, 1: she'll drive to the trail and bring you food, and 2: she'll be there when you're all done. as has been said, no disrespect to your girlfriend / relationship - but ive done it, i left my girlfriend 2 days before our 1 year anniversary, im now 2 months done, and we're still together, and couldnt be happier.

you might not get a chance to hike the trail again, and the more you talk to people about it, you'll find some that say, "i was going to do that.. but i got caught in a relationship/job/school/whatever..."

just go do it.

--megabite

Tha Wookie

11-22-2004, 03:03

I got my master's AND hiked the PCT in 2 years' time. Tell that to your girlfriend.

PS I learned more on the trail than the classroom.

SGT Rock

11-22-2004, 08:14

I told my wife and presented her the plan, then asked her if she minded. But this is because I am now married and have a family. If I had it to do over again I would have done this back in 1985 before the Army and family. My advice is to do it before the wife and degree. Evernyone will figure it out and understand.

Frosty

11-22-2004, 09:36

My parents are supportive of my thru hike goal this spring but the girlfriend def isnt. She wants me to move on to get my masters degree. Any advice?Find out what her concerns are are and address them.

If she is worried that she will have to entertain herself for five/six months, and will be bored, that is one thing. And not much you can do about it, either. Consider whether the relationship is good for you if you are responsible for keeping her enteratined.

Hpwever, most likely that is not the case. She probably is mostly concerned about what your leaving for six months shows about you and your feelings toward her. In this case, you need to decide if you really do care about her, and want her to be your partner in six months. Partly, this depends on how serious YOU are in the relationship. If all you want is to ensure you have ready sex when you return, you're not being fair to her. But if hiking is something you want to do, and you also want a deep relationship with this woman, then tell her. Tell her that the hike has nothing to do with her, and that you very much want the realtionship to continue when you return.

Ask what specifically bothers her about your being away. Ask if there is anything you can do to alleviate her concerns. Meet her for a couple a zero days a few times? Meet her for a week somewhere? Ask for her help. Show that you still need her. Explain why youk need maildrops and how important they are and ask her to mail them to you. Ask her advice on everything, even things that you don't need advice for.

Promise to keep a diary of your thoughts, and follow through. Bring a notebook and write at least a couple paragraghs each night about your day and your feelings about how the day went. Tear out the pages and mail them at each post office you come to.

Once she sees how important this is to you, she may understand that you still care about her but that this is something you need.

As a last resort, or if the balance needs a little tipping, offer a compromise. What would she like to do that you don't care much for. Perhaps a compromise would work out. I say a last resort because this is somewhat clinical and "business" based, rather than coming from the heart. Besides, she may want marriage, kids and a house. Are YOU ready for that?

weary

11-22-2004, 10:09

I suspect as the end approaches no one laments the hikes they have taken, just those they failed to take.

Weary

The Solemates

11-22-2004, 10:26

Why not do the thru with your girlfriend, then after the hike go get your masters. Thats what I did...

ga>me>ak

11-22-2004, 10:43

Do the hike..... who knows what the future will bring. A friend of mine went to the doc last week,not feeling good. Tested positive for cancer..80% bone cancer thru his body, maybe a month left?!
I've been soul searching over whether selling the house, and quitting the best paying job I've had is the right/smart thing to do. For me I think the timing is right. I figure there will be other jobs and houses. There are no guarantees in life so I'm going for it. See ya on the trail next year

cshir003

11-22-2004, 11:20

I have a few thoughts on the subject.

1. I love my girl dearly, but I draw the line when she starts to interfeer with camping, fishing, hunting, or hiking.
2. I stop my hiking for life, I don't stop my life for hiking.
3. Dogs don't question your motives or ideas. Though it might not be a good idea to bring them on the trail, they're just as happy the day you come home as they were the day before you left. Plus all it takes for them to forgive you is a scratch behind the ears. you need a dog.
4. a masters degree sounds like a whole lot of work, I would consult the dog before making any concrete plans.

Spirit Walker

11-22-2004, 11:55

To answer the question - the first time I went on the AT my family was very supportive. They love to travel, so had no problem with me quitting my job and going away for six months. Mom later admitted she was terrified for me, but didn't want to put fears into my head so kept her mouth shut. I didn't tell many people outside the family as I was not sure I would be able to actually do it, and didn't want the embarrassment of coming home early and having to explain why I hadn't made it to Katahdin.

On my second hike the family were less supportive. "You've already done this, why do you want to go back?" "To see if it is as good as I remember." It was.

On my third hike, on the CDT, even though I told everyone about two years before we left, no one took it seriously. It wasn't something that they would do, and I think they thought my husband would stop me because he is smarter and more sane than I (Little did they know! He wanted it as much as I did.) About a month before we left we sent our schedule out and my father asked, "Oh, you mean you really are going?"

They didn't say anything when we left for the PCT, but we didn't give them much warning on that one. We got off the CDT in November and left for the PCT the following April. I think by that time they figured we were seriously crazy.

About six months ago my mother asked me, "You aren't planning on another long hike are you?" I, of course, broke the bad news -- well actually yes. We are.

Because for most people the idea of giving up the illusion of security -- well paying jobs, money in the bank, middle class lifestyle -- is so alien, they have a hard time understanding why we find it so easy to quit our jobs and go hiking. Yes, I will have a smaller 401K than I would have if I worked more regularly -- assuming that there is anything there when time comes to retire. If the market crashes, again, who knows what will be there 20 years from now? Who knows whether I will be here 20 years from now to collect it? After Jim's brother had his second heart attack and triple bypass surgery, it really was a no-brainer to decide, "Now is a good time to go for a hike." We are healthy now, we have money in the bank right now. Five, ten, fifteen years from now -- who knows? "Life is what happens when you're making other plans." We have no regrets for the choices we made to live a hiking lifestyle. We work long enough to put some money in long term savings and some in a hiking fund. Starting over again has sometimes been difficult - some potential employers have found the gaps in our resume problematic so it hasn't always been easy to find new jobs - but we've survived. And we have memories that more than make up for any future economic uncertainty.

Gonzo!

11-22-2004, 14:40

I like spirit walkers post. I believe that everything comes down to priorities and luck. You can set your priorities, and they will drive your direction, however luck has a lot to do with it as well. Best you can do is set your priorities and hope that luck will come thru for you as well.

MOWGLI

11-22-2004, 15:01

I hiked with a 20 year old for several weeks. He had a girl back home in Michigan, and she broke up with him over the phone in Front Royal. He was pretty bummed. I remember we were hangin' in the Port Clinton Hotel in PA, and Dave Matthews "Crash" was playing on the jukebox. My buddy was seriously bummed. Apparently it was a song that reminded him of his girl.

Fast forward 4 years, he's working on a Masters in a field that he loves. He's got a new girl, and he sounded great the last time I spoke with him. The memories of the trail are still fresh.

I'm not trying to convince you to dump the girl. She's just looking out for her interests. What are you looking out for?

Hope that helps.

UCONNMike

11-26-2004, 19:15

Blake and I not only will be sharing the trail this coming up summer, but share the same problem of explaining to our family that we are leaving for 4 to 5 months to go hiking. To be honest, my Father is pretty pissed that I have made this decision. But I'm hoping that once I get close to my departure he will warm up to the idea, and maybe even support me. All I know is, I'm excited and nothing can bring me down.

Lone Wolf

11-26-2004, 19:22

Why would your dad be pissed? You're 21. does he have by the b***s cuz he paid for college and wants you to start your carreer?

UCONNMike

11-26-2004, 19:31

A-Train

11-26-2004, 20:08

No, actually I paid my way thru school, even thou my family could have covered it. He just wants me to follow in his footsteps and finish my degree in management and go on to get my MBA. While i did get the management degree, I also got a History degree which i intend to put to use as a school teacher. So we dont see eye to eye on my pkans for the future. In addition, e doesnt really understand they whole "outdoor experience." He feels it is a waste of time and a foolish persuit. What it all comes down to is, he wants em to be someone I'm not, and he feels liek he has lost his parental influence over me that he had when i was younger

Don't sweat it. My mom gave me a LOT of crap when I was planning my hike. Wasn't happy about me taking a semester off. Family still acts like I'm not talking when I discuss future plans, PCT, trail life etc... They'll come around and be bragging when you're out there, trust me. Anyway, it's your life, not theirs. Enjoy the hike!

UCONNMike

12-09-2004, 11:50

My Pop is really giving me a hard time, I had asked for some new gear for christmas and now he's starting to relize I am really serious about my thru-hike. My Pop is not much of a nature guy, and isn't a fan of hiking, any advice on what some of you did to help make your parents understand why I'm doing this. It would be greatly appreciated, becasue the pressure I'm feeling from him is overwelhming.

Wyatt

12-09-2004, 14:56

I agree with Alligator, etc. I got my Masters and got married and just figured we'd do the thru hike together. Now I've got a great wife, great kids and a good job, but all of the other "stuff" came along so quickly, that the thru hike just kept getting put back a year. Then another year. Then another. Now I've got so much "stuff" going on that it is impossible for me to do more than section hike for the next few years. Go while you can, before your life gets too busy and you have to start planning stuff out years in advance.

-W

TDale

12-09-2004, 15:55

Some time in the future.....

"Mom, I'm going camping."

"Where, what's the emergency number, when will you be back?"

"The AT, here's a directory, 6 months give or take a few weeks."

"WHAT?"

johnny quest

12-09-2004, 16:21

im planning on thruhiking in 2008 and my wife, although im trying to be as upfront as possible, sees the whole thing as some organized abandonment plan and a referendum on our relationship. which will be true the way things are going. she just doesnt get it. she doesnt want to go, she doesnt want to be a supporter, she sees it as me leaving one day and coming back on another day 6 months later. how do you get someone else to share a dream? you cant force it. but a mans got to do what a mans just got to do. i love her as im sure you love your gf but... joke her if she cant take a ****

its your life. do no harm to others then live it.

Footslogger

12-09-2004, 16:39

Just gotta ring in on this one ...

When I began talking about hiking the AT my partner hadn't even heard much about it. She had been teaching high school for 12 years and about that time had decided to quit and get her PhD. In the process of choosing a topic for her dissertation I suggested that she hike the AT and use thru-hikers as the sample universe for her research. She put together a proposal and her graduate committee signed off on it. Needless to say ...she scooped me in terms of hiking the trail. I hiked the beginning and end of the trail with her in 2001 but otherwise hung out back home and fed the cats.

Long story short ...she got her PhD in 2002, upon which I promtly announced that I was hiking the trail in 2003. That was May. In June we got married and in August we moved to Wyoming for her new teaching job at the university. Come March of 2003 I was on a plane headed back to Atlanta to start my hike.

Ancient history now but the moral to the story is that I got my chance. I had to sit it out for 2 years but in the end I lived my dream and hiked the AT. Everyone's situation is different and only YOU can know what's best in your case. But one thing for certain ...you need to see this puppy through.

'Slogger
AT 2003

Lion King

12-09-2004, 16:43

How did you break the news that were planning on stopping your life for half a year to go hiking? How did your family/friends take it?

My parents are supportive of my thru hike goal this spring but the girlfriend def isnt. She wants me to move on to get my masters degree. Any advice?
Call them from Damascus after you have had a few beers with Lone Wolf.

That way the whole.."My God...where could he be?" thing will be answered, and they will be so relieved that you didnt go off and join the Hairy Krishnas that they will support your decision. and if they dont, screw it, go hike anyway.

Moose2001

12-09-2004, 17:34

Mike...it's real simple to me. According to the header on your post, you're 21 years old. You need to make a decision. Are you going to lead your life or lead the life that your Father wants you to lead? Once you make that decision, the rest is simple. To me the saddest phrase in the english language is "I wish I had". If a hike is what you want and is important to you, do it. Your father just wants the best for you. When you get older, you'll understand. Most "non-hikers" never will understand why we need or want to hike. The best you can do is make them aware of the importance of the hike to you.

Good Luck!

zenribbits

12-10-2004, 05:04

Listen to the Moose. This disagreement between you and your father has less to do with the hike than you may think. Your dad seems to be concerned about you loosing your momentum. His views on your decisions seem to be that you are not looking out for your futures best interest. As a teacher you will be poor. Emotional rewards make you happy, but don’t aid very well in your retirement. Your hike is obviously very important to you and your father doesn’t understand. You see adventure and a life goal. He sees 4-6 months of wasted time. My advice is to first think about how this hike will make you a better person. (For example: After this is done, you will have a solid answer to the “What accomplishment are you most proud of?” question that everyone asks in an interview.) The AT is not only about the nature, it is about the history of our country. I am sure part of the reason for your hike is to experience it while it is still fairly wild. Try and make this a bonding experience with your father. Perhaps you can meet in PA for a break and enjoy a civil war reenactment or something. See if he will be a lifeline for you or help you plan your hike, meals, or finances. Explain to him that his passion for and your education in management is perfect for planning just about every second of the next 4-6 months of your life in advance. Your dad has spent his life building the family’s security. To gain his approval, you need to show him that you have thought about what will happen when you get off the trail. If you want him to understand, you need to convince him to help you plan the next year of your life. Once each of you look at this upcoming hike from the others point of view, you will both learn some priceless information.

RITBlake

12-10-2004, 12:39

As a teacher you will be poor. Emotional rewards make you happy, but don’t aid very well in your retirement.

Right, but government pensions do. Teachers retire after 30 years of 'service' and make 75% of their highest yearly pay......for the rest of their lives. Try to find something that sweet in the corporate world, you would be very hard pressed.

UCONNMike

12-10-2004, 13:00

HURRAY! my Pops finally let me sit him down and talk to him about the trip, i took all of your advice and he is supporting my 05 thru-hike. I couldnt have done it with out everyones imput. Thanks!

zenribbits

12-10-2004, 13:30

Right, but government pensions do. Teachers retire after 30 years of 'service' and make 75% of their highest yearly pay......for the rest of their lives. Try to find something that sweet in the corporate world, you would be very hard pressed.
This is true; however 75% of $36,000 a year is only $27,000. Try living on that in 30 years. Even if he was able to somehow obtain raises to $40,000 a year, that would only be $30,000 to live on. That is not very much even at today’s standard of living. He has obtained his bachelors. This means he can teach high school at best. I would rather have stock options from Microsoft at it inception less than thirty years ago then a 75% salary pension. (Although with Enron it would be a different story lol)

RITBlake

12-10-2004, 18:42

This is true; however 75% of $36,000 a year is only $27,000. Try living on that in 30 years. Even if he was able to somehow obtain raises to $40,000 a year, that would only be $30,000 to live on.

I agreee, of course everyone would love to have some stock in microsoft, but then again, this is an exercise in reality, not fantasy. And what teacher in what school system is making 36k a year after THIRTY years. When my dad retired last year after 30 years of teaching he was making more then 60k. My mom retires this year and also makes more then 60k...... I'm not bragging, just giving some facts based on my experience. The point I'm trying to make that teaching has two wonderful benefits. A handsome retirement package and no summer work. The way I see it....More time to hike!

UCONNMike

12-10-2004, 19:21

I agreee, of course everyone would love to have some stock in microsoft, but then again, this is an exercise in reality, not fantasy. And what teacher in what school system is making 36k a year after THIRTY years. When my dad retired last year after 30 years of teaching he was making more then 60k. My mom retires this year and also makes more then 60k...... I'm not bragging, just giving some facts based on my experience. The point I'm trying to make that teaching has two wonderful benefits. A handsome retirement package and no summer work. The way I see it....More time to hike!
You're damn right! More hiking = A happy Michael

Knees

12-15-2004, 13:30

Interesting thread. I'll stay out of the whole teacher pension subject and just talk about the (much safer) topic of telling people about ones upcoming hike.

My wife:
Gave the final approval and told me to just order the darn tickets when I
was waffling over whether I should go for it in '05 or not. Of course, she's heard me prattle on about hiking the trail for many years, and may thru hike it herself some day.

Parents:
Not really shocked, not overly thrilled. Both of my parents grew up on the East Coast, and one of my uncles is finishing up his final section on the AT
in '05, so I'm not the first in the family to hike the AT, but AFAIK will be
the first to thru-hike it.

Mother in Law:
"Cool." She is insisting on helping out with the hike. I have a very awesome MIL.

Friends and my Wife's co-workers:
Mixed reactions.

Current Job:
They get a 4 week notice if I am still here. I work contract (temp) positions,
so it's all situational. If I wrap things up at my current client by Feb or March, I can avoid giving notice all together.

Seraphim

12-15-2004, 15:48

Well, I didn't really plan it much, but it was kinda like: "Hey, honey, remember that white paint strip on the telephone poles downtown that you always complain about? Well, that's the AT and I wanna follow it to ME this summer." "If you left for six months, I'd think you were crazy and break up with you." Another one bites the dust.:jump

dje97001

12-15-2004, 18:45

Again, I'm not a thru-hiker yet, although I do aspire to be at some point. Currently my wife and I are going to give it a shot in march/april 2006. We've been stocking up gear (and more experience) for just over a year now with the intention of trying then.

I'm in a grad program, waited to get married until I had the MA (well, close enough), waiting to hike until I have the phd (or close enough). I don't have my priorities mixed up, but I recognize the practical nature of life. As nice as it sounds to drop everything and throw caution to the wind, I'm just too practical a guy. Since both my wife and I feel like we can't really start our "real" life until I get out of school, that timeframe seems like one of those "significant changes" everyone is always talking about. I suppose graduating at any stage is as good a time as any...

I did the whole long-distance relationship thing with my (now) wife, and let me tell you that was tough. Very tough. Even though you are hearing from mainly those who have successfully thru-hiked (and therefore getting a biased perspective), I'm sure that out of the 80% or so who don't finish there are quite a few people who dropped their significant other and now regret it. Some who finish and lost someone probably regret it a little bit too.

It is definitely about weighing priorities. I have wanted to thruhike for 10 years or so... and never expected that I would be this close (yes.. even at 1.5 years out), having spent significant time planning and preparing. At this point in my life, I never would have thought seriously about going if my wife didn't decide she was up for trying. The experience of thruhiking is truly something that I want. But my relationship with my wife is something that I need. I don't know if we will finish (not having that "the trail is the most important thing in my life" thing going for me) but we will be trying it together (talk about long odds for us finishing if only 20% do!) once I have finished school and can then hopefully get a job (ugh) whenever we do stop hiking.

Anyway, the hikers on this board are truly giving you advice they think will be best for you. But seriously, why should you assume that your girlfriend's goals and/or dreams should wait for yours? Everyone keeps saying that if it is "meant to be" then she will be there for you. What about you being there for her? Not trying to be devil's advocate, but making this decision without her support is like telling her that the trail is more important to you than she is. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't as committed to you after that.

Take it or leave it. This is my perspective. Good luck.