View Full Version : Big Dilemma
writeronthestorm
12-11-2010, 20:21
I announced on Facebook last week that I would be through-hiking the AT and all of the sudden this guy who my brother was friends with as a kid has invited himself to go with me. He is sending me messages giving me his thoughts on planning issues and making suggestions on what "we" should do.
I finally got his number and gave him a call. I started trying to pick his brain to find out if he was experienced in backpacking and what kind of gear he had etc., and his replies were really vague like, "don't worry, I have gear, I know what i'm doing." He then tells me that his brother will join us in Virginia. He also informed me that his wife had recently left him for another man.
Anyways, I don't know what to do. I haven't seen the guy since I was a kid. I don't really know him, and I can think of about thousand reasons why I don't want to commit to hiking with him. A thousand things can go wrong, like we don't get along or he has a bunch of crazy gear and slows me down, or he doesn't have the money.. I don't know.
I don't own the trail, so I cant just tell him he cant go. I do want him to go and have a great time, but just not be attached to me. Somehow, without hurting his feelings, I have to tell him that I need to hike alone. Any thoughts?
Downunda
12-11-2010, 20:26
Easy, thank him for offering to accompany you on your hike then let him know that you are planning a solo hike. Wish him well with a "perhaps we might catch each other from time to time at shelters along the way"
You don't need to give excuses and if you have any problems with that I suggest you buy the Book "How to say no without feeling guilty".
Toolshed
12-11-2010, 20:31
Pretty easy to just say thanks but I am planning on hiking alone - I need this time to myself.
If you allow him to go, your plans will likely be hijacked. Anyone that says "don't worry, I have gear... I know what I am doing" for a 5-6 month hike will likely turn out to be a nuisance on the trail... until they quit
One thing to add, He is probably going through a lot right now with his life-changing situation (Which I beleives drive a fair amount of folks to do a thru), so you likely need todelive the message nicely, but firmly. there is nothing wrong with him going out to find himself on the trail. Just not with you now.
writeronthestorm
12-11-2010, 20:38
Doesn't have anything to do about feeling guilty. I just don't want to hurt the mans feelings. But you guys are right I just need to be up front with him.
Tell him you want to go alone and he'll probably stay home. I had a friend try to do this to me and I told him straight up that I didn't want him to come. He ended up enrolling in college instead.
How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, and What Matters Most to You New from $3.90 (http://www.amazon.com/How-Say-Without-Feeling-Guilty/dp/0767903803)
Downunda and Toolshed are right. Just be honest and tell him you want to hike alone. Better off to do it now than to have him put more pressure on you over the next few months.
...and don't post your plans on Facebook in the future. Sometimes, it's good to live under the radar.
Cookerhiker
12-11-2010, 21:24
Say something like "Gee, I appreciate that. You know, I've been thinking for a long time about this AT hike and a while back, I decided I really want to hike it by myself. But maybe we could do the Wonderland Trail together sometime in a few years. It's just that I'd rather hike the AT alone"
Cookerhiker
12-11-2010, 21:26
...and don't post your plans on Facebook in the future. Sometimes, it's good to live under the radar.
And you can also jinx the hike! Tell everyone on FB, set up a trailjournals.com account with 30 "Preliminary" entries, then something comes up to torpedo the hike and you gotta go back and tell everyone it's off - no fun!
writeronthestorm
12-11-2010, 21:31
You guys are awesome thanks. The things is that I write a lot and I keep up a blog (that I link to facebook) where I am always updating people/readers on plans and adventures and stuff, so... Yeah, hey check it out if you want you might find some good reading.
http://writerinthewild.blogspot.com/
Slo-go'en
12-11-2010, 21:59
And you can also jinx the hike! Tell everyone on FB, set up a trailjournals.com account with 30 "Preliminary" entries, then something comes up to torpedo the hike and you gotta go back and tell everyone it's off - no fun!
Or look at how many trailjournals have the min 3 entries to get viewed and thats it. Usually started by people well in advance of the proposed year of the hike.
As for the long lost "friend" who invited himself along, I'd wouldn't worry about hurting his feelings. Just tell him your plans don't include other people as it makes things too complicated. If you posted the date your starting, move it up or back a week ;)
rainmaker
12-11-2010, 22:02
You guys are awesome thanks. The things is that I write a lot and I keep up a blog (that I link to facebook) where I am always updating people/readers on plans and adventures and stuff, so... Yeah, hey check it out if you want you might find some good reading.
http://writerinthewild.blogspot.com/
Dude,
As to your original problem, just walk faster, or perhaps slower and "the problem" will resolve itself.
Now to this facebook thing, don't share every thing unless you want to continue having these problems. I think I remember reading several weeks ago about a young couple who were cleaned out by robbers after posting their vacation plans on FB. Of course they shared that on FB as well.
SouthMark
12-11-2010, 22:09
The guy's name is not Katz is it?
Leave a week earlier and don't tell anyone!
I'm thinking I won't be posting on FB since there is enough information on there to have someone figure out where I live. At least on TJ you go by a trail name. As long as you don't put you full real name and hometown. At least not until after your hike. Even then if you tick some people off during your hike....
best advice is just start hiking, you will encounter lots of other hikers on the trail, within a couple weeks you will meet other hikers and see who you might be compatible with on a long term basis on the trail. One of the best things about an AT long distance hike is the independence and freedom you experience, hiking at your own pace, deciding where to stop each day.
I announced on Facebook last week that I would be through-hiking the AT and all of the sudden this guy who my brother was friends with as a kid has invited himself to go with me. He is sending me messages giving me his thoughts on planning issues and making suggestions on what "we" should do.
I finally got his number and gave him a call. I started trying to pick his brain to find out if he was experienced in backpacking and what kind of gear he had etc., and his replies were really vague like, "don't worry, I have gear, I know what i'm doing." He then tells me that his brother will join us in Virginia. He also informed me that his wife had recently left him for another man.
Anyways, I don't know what to do. I haven't seen the guy since I was a kid. I don't really know him, and I can think of about thousand reasons why I don't want to commit to hiking with him. A thousand things can go wrong, like we don't get along or he has a bunch of crazy gear and slows me down, or he doesn't have the money.. I don't know.
I don't own the trail, so I cant just tell him he cant go. I do want him to go and have a great time, but just not be attached to me. Somehow, without hurting his feelings, I have to tell him that I need to hike alone. Any thoughts?Just tell him to go take a hike:D. Seriousely, if this is a big dilemma, I don't know what someone getting sick or injured would be considered. Tell the imposer that you have made solo plans, end of story. If the guy attempted to join your hike with you without asking you if you would consider allowing him to accompany you and without doing it in a respectful way then nothing more needs to be said. And this assertiveness/response on your part can be applied as not just a hiking rule but a life-time rule to live by. Good Luck
rainmaker
12-11-2010, 23:09
The guy's name is not Katz is it?
I was thinking the same thing. BTW, love your signature line. My children used to be amazed at how much smarter they were than us, but now that they are in or close to their forties, they are almost as dumb as we are.
"And you can also jinx the hike!"
For another perspective, I've put my plans out ahead of time on postholer.com (similar to trailjournals) for past thru-hikers and for my next one on facebook as well, with multiple entries, etc. It sort of makes me more committed, and also allows folks that I know to sort of "participate" a bit in the process, insofar as they're interested in that.
I wouldn't do it if I hadn't thought out and felt pretty committed to the hike. I don't think it's any different than starting a journal on the trail and then being unable to finish; this can happen to anyone, it's IMO all part of the whole blogging experience.
W.r.t. the original issue, I'm with the majority here --- seems to me that the way to make it unemotional is to be very objective about it, i.e., that you have no hiking experience or much knowledge of this guy, and everyone suggests that it's better to start a thru-hike solo, find partners as you go along if you wish or stay solo if/when you wish. And that part of your prep work has been to try to learn lessons about this sort of thing in advance. I.e., it's not about him at all per se, just a bad dynamic that you think it's better to avoid with anyone.
4eyedbuzzard
12-12-2010, 00:25
Or just tell him to meet you at the Amicaloala Falls visitor center on April 1 - and leave a note sayng, "April fools! Hike from GA to ME, what are you, nuts?" :eek: Okay, pretty harsh, but effective. :D
....all of the sudden this guy who my brother was friends with as a kid has invited himself to go with me. He is sending me messages giving me his thoughts on planning issues and making suggestions on what "we" should do. writeronthestorm
People can self invite themselves to YOUR events but that DOES NOT mean YOU have to accept their inclusion in YOUR plans! Speak up! NOW! DO you want this person as a hiking partner or not?
Turtle Feet
12-12-2010, 02:18
The guy's name is not Katz is it?
We all think alike...lol.
writeronthestorm
12-12-2010, 05:50
I don't think its Katz.. Just a dude I used to know back in the day.
Dogwood!! Love your approach brother. I will take your advice.
The thing is, like I said before... Just don't want to rain on anyones parade.. Thats all. I want this dude to go. I want him to have the time of his life.
Did I mention, you guys rock??
Kind of a separate item but I tell people that the "romantic notion of hiking the AT wears off at about day 2".............until you get out there you cannot understand what this is really about. Walk your own walk is a great one, he should plan his thru hike - maybe you connect, based on what he is going through he could give this a try on his own and maybe have a great life experience.
I agree with Tiptoe. Sometimes less information to others is best. The old saying--Loose Lips sink Ships! lol
These kind of situations always end up stressing me and when I look back I always wish I had not said anything and thus avoid all the drama.
I come to this site to get my information for those that walk their talk---but it amazes me how many folks ---away from this site--that have never been on the AT have all this advice and suggestions on what I need to be doing--not doing etc!! lol
Others are telling me that want to show up and hike with me--and meet me here and there--etc Yikes!! Just been saying I'm not sure where I will be and what my schedule my call for. Have to protect my hike ---or all the extra drama and schedules--commitments etc will be like being in the real world working.
Does this make sense? I need to be rather self-centered and selfish about this experience and just let it evolve.
Ladytrekker
12-12-2010, 10:13
Tell him that you are doing a solo hike and your plans are to get on the trail and head north and you have no other plans. People that are planners have no patience for us that are not planning every minute of the hike. Tell him this solo hike is important to you that you are not looking for a set partner you want to see what the trail provides you.
loooove the advice to lie to the guy. not.
don't lie. that would make you a ****ty person, which it does not seem that you are. just tell him up front that while you would love to hook up occasionally on the trail for some companionship, you are doing this hike for some introspective time with yourself and need the alone time for the most part. then encourage him to continue with his plans to go. it is hard to be in his position. loneliness is probably a downside to getting dumped by your wife. also, deep down, while he knows the hike would help him, being alone in the woods, going over and over in his head what went wrong in his relationship is most likely scaring the bejeesus out of him. be compassionate but firm. don't let others determine your destiny. i have a feeling you already feel this way.
...and don't post your plans on Facebook in the future. Sometimes, it's good to live under the radar.
Good advice, I am always amazed at the amount of personal stuff people post on Facebook! They think it is a two conversation with someone else, it is like having an intitmate conversation that is being broadcast on CNN!
Also, I did not realize how many people love Jesus until Facebook!
What you tell your friend about your desire to hike solo should come from your gut. If it destroys his plan to thru, he was not serious about it in the first place.
Tell him you'll be hiking with your boyfriend.
I'm not sure if you're male or female, but my advice should work, either way. :D
Maybe he'll do some research on the internet and happen upon Whiteblaze and read this thread.
sparky2009
12-18-2010, 17:34
I've had dealings with people who either want to join in and influence the situation or simply want to help according to what they think ought to be done. It seems to always end up being a disaster. Unless the other person is 100% transparent about his plans and abilities, I would avoid having him join you. His evasiveness is big red flag in my opinion. Being honest and firm, as others have suggested, is definitely best. No sense in ruining your trip by having someone join in who should not go at all.
writeronthestorm
12-18-2010, 17:58
I talked to him about it. I explained it to him the best I could. I asked him not to take it personal but he did anyway. Oh well, what could I do? I can't please everybody.
jerseydave
12-18-2010, 18:20
Oh well, what could I do?
???
You any good with firearms? :eek:
4eyedbuzzard
12-18-2010, 18:42
Food ... goes bad sometimes ... it's unfortunate ... but it happens ...
I talked to him about it. I explained it to him the best I could. I asked him not to take it personal but he did anyway. Oh well, what could I do? I can't please everybody.Don't feel bad. He might of wound up turning into someone like Cindellasaurus's "Jerkwad", her SOBO thru-hike partner from hell:D:http://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/showthread.php?t=66779&highlight=disaster
I talked to him about it. I explained it to him the best I could. I asked him not to take it personal but he did anyway. Oh well, what could I do? I can't please everybody.
Asking to thru hike with someone is like asking to move into their house with them for five months. Him taking it personally means he had absolutely no idea what he was asking and has no idea what thru hiking would actually entail.
Appalachian Tater
12-18-2010, 20:33
Just let him come along but make it clear to him that although you will start out together, you are going to finish with or without him.
If he actually starts the hike and doesn't quit at Neel's Gap, you'll both likely go your own way shortly thereafter as you each find your own pace.
What a great opportunity to spend some time with someone you haven't seen in years. He may turn out to be lots of fun and you will have found a new best friend.
If it ends up with hard feelings, who cares? You haven't seen him in years and he was your brother's friend, not yours, in the first place.
Either way, you have nothing to lose!
Mongoose2
12-18-2010, 20:38
The solution may have been as simple as telling him to meet you at the visitor center on 1 April. IF he showed up he would most likely drop out at or before Neel Gap......Entertaining to watch, no hurt feelings, and you get your solo hike!!
Important thing is do not share any equipment or food, sharing a ride - why not - when push comes to shove just hike on nothing to split up, He is not your kid so not your problem
fiddlehead
12-27-2010, 22:06
When i first did an attempted thru in '77, my girlfriend wanted to come along.
1st I said: No way! YOu can't do it, and besides you're too slow.
She insisted so we went and did a practice hike together (about 7 miles)
She did great.
I think the practice hike was a good idea.
You get to see what speed she hikes (very important for partners) and if she wants to take breaks at the same time you do. (also important), and if she's gonna be a whiner or someone who enjoys themselves in the outdoors.
For me, all 3 better work or it's not gonna be a very good relationship.
She came along on my thru and we ended up getting married.
lucky guy you were fiddlehead, just kind of doubt it could turn out as well for the OP