the AT and effects on marriage

[goldenhands]

Hello,

I've been married to a wonderful man going on 3 years now. I'm planning a 2012 thru-hike and he will not be joining me. we have no children.

We've been discussing the separation, and the simple fact that whoever "leaves" has something fun and interesting to do that compensates for missing their spouse, and the person "left behind" has to get through the day-to-day, missing the person who's gone, and nothing to compensate them emotionally for it.

I think i've talked him into joining me for 1 week periods, twice. - i'm thinking virginia, to break up the "virginia blues" for me and.....?

how did the AT affect your marriages? break ups? enriched relationship upon return? what did your male spouses do at home to get through it until you got back? how did you reintegrate into your family structure?

thanks!

-Lindsey
Denver, CO

[JybbaGirl]

Hi Lindsey! Congrats on planning your thru - I'll be out there in 2012 too! I can relate to your question completely, but from your husband's side. I am dating a fully addicted hiker and have been through a couple of long hikes with him. It's tough being the one who is home while your loved one is off having a great time, but to be honest, it has only made our relationship stronger because of the way we handled those months apart.

When I am the one at home, I just need to feel like I am not forgotten while he is out hiking. It's hard because he is without a phone so often, but even if he can call once every couple of days, I feel connected to him. We also set up a site that only we could view - we posted pictures, notes, videos for each other. Check out http://share.ovi.com/ and see if you would be able to load pics to it from the trail.

It's also really key to involve him in your planning - I know I LOVED helping plan mail drops and being able to sneak little notes or homemade snacks in right before I sent them. Also help him get familiar with the map and let him know where you are - it's fun to track your progress and be excited for you when you hit the major milestones on the trail.

The visits along the trail are a great idea too - by far the most helpful and restorative part of it for me. Being able to experience the hike together, even for a week or so, is key. He will be able to see what you are doing and meet your friends - it's nice to be able to share that. I know for me, seeing him in his element, doing what he loved, made the distance worth it. It also inspired me to plan my own thru. Be sure you plan for a few zeros though - nothing better than taking a day or two off to wander a trail town, laze around a hotel room and hang out with your man :)

Good luck and have fun! :D

Jill

[Grampie]

During my thru I was suprised at the amount of married woman hiking alone without their husbands.

[GracefulRoll]

I think it's also important for your husband to realize that during that time you are gone, he can nurture hobbies and occupy himself. Yes, he will miss you, but it doesn't mean he will absolutely be miserable! Plus, if he can keep himself happy, it will make it easier on you knowing that your hike isn't consuming him.

I was in a relationship where if I were to go away without him, it was like his world ended. :P Notice I said WAS...

[GoldenBear]

During the 1994-1995 academic year, my wife accepted an overseas job as a Fulbright Scholar. Since internet access did not exist where she worked, and long-distance cost $1 a minute, our "contact" was pretty much limited to mail -- which often took over a week to travel.

I can only describe it as "That which does not kill you, only makes you stronger."
Did we miss each other? HORRIBLY.
Did it affect me personally? I actually started having paranoid hallucinations.
Did it affect our marriage? Since we now know EXACTLY what it would be like to not be married to each other, we are now QUITE grateful for each other.

Make certain both of you are aware of what you're getting into. Make sure both of you agree to this. Don't EVER use this separation as a weapon or leverage against the other.

I hope your marriage is such that separation brings many unpleasant moments. But I also hope that your marriage is strong enough that it brings many pleasant years in the future.

[skooch]

What a great subject. I too am going it alone. My husband "gets it" and I'm blessed. He is not well enough to hike, (back problems) and his work takes him out of town several days per month. Our kids are all grown.We are used to some separation but nothing on this scale. He worries already but has confidence in my abilities. Mine is a spiritual as well as physical journey so it needs to be done alone. I do wonder how our lack of connection will help or hurt.

[10-K]

I *wish* my wife wanted to thru hike, I think it'd be great and I'd love to be the support person and meet up with her on the trail when it was strategically feasible.

Money is no problem, the kids are mostly grown and she's retired at 53 - she's just not into it.

I'm fortunate indeed that she indulges me with my hiking escapades.

[garlic08]

My wife hiked the AT without me in '02. She tried to get me to go with her (for years prior) with no success, so she finally did it alone. I was all for it and as supportive as possible, providing mail drop and moral support and joining her at least once a month including the last month through NH and ME. I was very proud of her accomplishment. She eventually got me hooked and we started hiking together. I finally hiked the AT without her six years later.

Hiking the long trails also simplified our lifestyles and changed our priorities enough that we even retired early. So I would say her first solo hike of the AT was a very good thing for us, overall.

[Blissful]

My hubby missed me a ton, but he came out to visit when he could and to hike with me in different places (last year he did Maine with me, in '07 he did GA and he did NY to CT). He also did my mail drops. When I got back, he did his acting at the neighborhood playhouse, so we each get to do what we want. He also gets together with friends. As for kids we only have one. I did the trail in '07 with my then 16 yr old son. He is now gone.

[Slo-go'en]

The effect it had on me was I never got married. Too late now...

[takethisbread]

My wife was very supportive and continues to be. Id love her to go i think, but she doesnt like the long distance hikes. we have children, lots of them. complicates things. I think my hike only strengthened her resolve to find "what she needs to do"

She is headed to Darfur this year on a Mission. so i guess it was a good thing. I am hiking the AT again in 2013 with no schedule to keep this time so i plan on taking 6 months or longer and take it real easy.

She supports it still. and she knows the PCT will follow.

[Marta]

My husband and I had been married for over 30 years when I thru-hiked alone. As he told people (and there were many) who expressed shock and dismay that I had "run off" to do this, "The third thing she ever told me about herself was that she was going to hike the Appalachian Trail. I can't say she didn't warn me."

(He claims that when we met I told him I liked to read, and I liked cats, and I wanted to hike the AT.)

A few points:

It's hard on both people. It's hard, and more boring, to be the left-behind spouse. I know this from taking that role while David has done a bunch of interesting business travel. For the hiker, on bad days, one is vividly aware that the separation is completely optional and could be ended within a few hours.

That said, I think it's better not to try to be together too much during the hike. I hiked for a couple of weeks with a guy who spent >2 hours on the phone with his wife every night. He finally decided to pack it in and just go home. If you want to be home that badly, just go. I had a better time when my mind was present on the Trail, and a worse time when I'd obsess about what I was missing.

A long separation is a great time to reassess who you are an individual. Too many married people have co-dependent relationships filled with resentment about what he/she won't let me do, and/or makes me do. Step outside that box.

David has remarked that, while it was a pain to have to do everything around the house on his own, the fact that he was able to do it, and do it well, felt really good. We've been together since we were teenagers and I don't think he even knew how to operate the washing machine, for instance. He positively enjoyed being in charge of his own meals and eating exactly what he wanted to when he wanted to for six whole months. He was also extremely happy when I returned and took back over the morning chores, which allows him to sleep in for a few more minutes every day.

David did join me on the first and last days of my hike, and at a few points in between. He enjoyed meeting some of my hiking cronies. I will say that I think it's a bad idea to over-schedule your hike in order to have your spouse join you. You're better off leaving things kind of loose. Since we live in NC, when I got down into VA (I was hiking SOBO), David would join me on weekends sometimes. He came up to The Gathering in Pipestem, for instance, which was really great for both of us.

Then there's the quid pro quo aspect of marriage. If your husband helps you make this happen, you definitely owe it to him to help him make his follow his dream. For my husband, it's cycling. A good bike costs about as much as a thru-hike and he'd much rather have a bike than thru-hike. He hikes with me sometimes when he could be biking, and I bike with him sometimes when I could be hiking. We're planning two vacations together this year (which is unusual--we often vacation separately)--we're going to ride the Blue Ridge Parkway and hike the Wonderland Trail.

To me, in a healthy relationship, both parties get a lot of what they want, and both sacrifice a bit to help the other person.

[Celeste]

What an awesome topic. I'm planning not a total thru hike for spring of 2012, but from southern VA all the way up, so damn near close.

I have a serious boyfriend and we've talked about it a lot, and he's incredibly supportive and wants to hold down the fort and ship me stuff, so it's a good situation, but I still am worrying just a bit. Just jitters, I don't want this to be a deal breaker, and I don't think it will, but it's just jitters that I need to get the heck over because if I were single I wouldn't think a second thought about it.

It's an easy thing to worry a little bit about when you really love some one.

[boernemom]

Hi! When do you leave? I too am a solo hiker as my husband also has severe back problems and so i am leaving to go on a 3 week jaunt on the AT but we have 2 young boys so this will be my first long trip out of state leaving him behind! Great to know i am not alone as hiking is very spiritual for me as well so i prefer to go it alone too!

[The_Truth]

We've been discussing the separation, and the simple fact that whoever "leaves" has something fun and interesting to do that compensates for missing their spouse, and the person "left behind" has to get through the day-to-day....

Is a thru hike really fun?

Days without a shower. Up and down hills all day. Flys. Bees. Maybe even a bear or two. No comforts of home. Food designed for sustenance and not taste.

Fun?

I wonder if saying that a person leaving to do a thru hike is going off to have fun is really misdirecting.

I wonder if what they're saying is, "you're going to fulfill a dream. I'm not."

Perhaps the issue is you're crossing something off your bucket list and they aren't.

[Jim Adams]

you have bad days but for the most part, thru hiking is a blast...the most personal freedom you will ever experience.

geek

[shoe]

I am not a thru hiker but my addiction to hiking helped lead to the demise of my marriage.

[doritotex]

During my thru I was suprised at the amount of married woman hiking alone without their husbands.
Were you amazed at all the married men hiking alone without their wives?

[mweinstone]

the guy im married to never leaves me for a minute. im his bride and hes my master teacher messiah lord. im gay for j.

never had a girlfriend that didnt die go crazy or just go.

[mweinstone]

groll +1. marrage is not a two rings of bondage like handcuffs rather a golden band of nuending love.

[mweinstone]

unending love,,,,,,,dislexia can be fun,...but usually isnt.

[mweinstone]

like when gas peddels and brakes come into play, hence i walk. kinda like marrage.

[heatherw1013]

I to am planning a 2012 SOBO thru hike and have a serious boyfriend with whom I live with. He is a hiker but does not want to "risk his future" financially and what not and looks at the AT as a set back. I am going no matter what and he is really upset with me for not regarding his choice and compromising. But he has known for over two years now that this is something I AM doing and will not compromise on. I think that the end result will be either his support of my adventure or he will come with me.
I don't think anyone should sacrafice their dreams for someone else, instead it should be a support system in order for both individuals to accomplish their dreams.
I am hoping he comes around soon...

[Spirit Walker]

What I've noticed over the years is that a strong marriage won't be hurt by a thruhike, but if there are already cracks in the relationship, they will get worse.

In some cases infidelity - by either the hiker or the stay at home - becomes an issue. Some couples have overcome this, others can't.

In others resentment and anger can become an issue. I know several hikers who went home because their spouse was so unhappy at being left alone. One friend told me that she valued her marriage over the hike, and knew that if she kept hiking her marriage would be over. Others kept hiking and just dealt with the anger upon their return.

I agree that fun isn't exactly the word for it - but for me, long distance hiking is deep down happiness. I love the challenge and the satisfaction of attaining a goal. There is also a part of the experience that is escapist. You don't have to worry about bills and bosses, about weeds in the garden, teens misbehaving and neighbor's shenanigans. You are surrounded by people who are doing what they want to be doing, not co-workers who complain all the time. It is easy to see why the stay at home might feel resentment. It really depends on what kind of life they are living and what kind of marriage/relationship they have. Some people are totally independent. Others need the companionship and validation of a partner close at hand.

[GoldenBear]

> I think that the end result will be either his support of my adventure
> or he will come with me.
> I am hoping he comes around soon

You need to ask the question: what will happen if he does NEITHER? What if he decides he'd rather advance his career than do a thru-hike AND that, no matter what, he won't support you in any way if you abandon him for several months?

You MAY be able to alleviate his concerns about your departure by discussing them openly. For instance, maybe if you promise to phone every day, that will be enough. Or maybe not. Or maybe he'll just say, "I don't want to talk about it -- I just don't want you to do this! Choose either the hike or me!"

I'm not saying there's a right or a wrong answer, particularly since I don't know you OR your beau. But, let's face it: sometimes the man you thought was Prince Charming turns out to be as supportive to you as Prince Charles was to Diana. Then you have to decide what to do when you find out that he really WON'T change for you.

[pixie91075]

Huh, gives me something to think about. My husband is planning to do a thru hike in the next few years, but it never occurred to me that it may cause stress on the relationship. He's going, I'm staying and since we live in VA I'm never more than a day away so we're going to link up here and there. I was in the military and deployed all the time for extended periods of time. Although we haven't been apart at length for a while now, I don't really see his hike as a burden or anything. I'm looking forward to hiking with him when I can and then its just life as normal when I'm home without him...

[Pushup]

I'm planning a thru-hike(would like to say 2013 but it will really depend on when I have the funds saved up) without my husband but I'm not concerned about our marriage. He's in the military and has gone on 3 deployments so the distance/time apart is nothing new for us. All I can say from that experience is it takes both parties to make the time apart work, so if you both want it to work then it will.

[mikec]

My wife resented me being away for long periods of time while section hiking. That's one reason why I'm single now. The key, IMO, is to find someone that either wants to share the experience with you or be supportive of it in some way. In a healthy relationship, one should at least be supportive of the others goals or dreams.

[DadSaidNotTo]

My serious boyfriend (Medic! on here) is currently thruhiking. I chose to stay home because I'm not physically up to much hiking and because honestly, it just isn't something I really want to do. Finding the time and money to visit him on the trail isn't happening, so I haven't seen him since I dropped him off in GA in March. I miss him very much, but I've been busy enough that having him gone has been kind of nice at times. If I'm tired and just want to take a shower, eat a bowl of cereal, and go to bed instead of cooking dinner, nobody gets upset. On the flip side, when I'm having a hard time and am in need of comfort, it's not readily available. I'm looking forward to picking him up at Katahdin in a month or so, but until then, I'll enjoy having some time to myself.

[Del Q]

Kind of a BIG issue.

Longer term separation through a hobby not other (bad) things, my wife and I have been together since 1988. A true love at 1st sight. We are really lucky on this point. She has ZERO interest in overnight hiking, let alone thru or section hikes.

So...............................

This is NO DRESS REHEARSAL, as "they" say, whoever they is or are..................there is no way that I am going down before I give my 110% on AT, LT, PCT and CDT............as a start, so what is the plan?

There are going to be month or month + times apart, and when I am on the trail I mostly think about family and my wife, then we get back to "life" as we currently know it.

My mother used to say that "if your father had not traveled as much we never would have made it"..................................

Del Q