View Full Version : Leaving your spouse/signifigant other to hike...
theycallmej
05-13-2011, 12:49
Hey guys,
I'm leaving for a southbound hike in June... at least I really want to. I know I'll be sad if I never do this because I'll have a lot of fun and just get things together for a while. It will be nice, I know... I just worry that my wife, who I've been married to for nearly a year now, will miss me and that I'll miss her and feel a ton of guilt. She doesn't want to go-- I understand because she wants to go through grad school.
I am having a hard time dealing with the factor of leaving friends (some of whom I won't see for two years due to circumstances with my wife going to grad school and us having to move). I'm 20 and I've met some of my best friends here since I moved to South Dakota 2 years ago.
I keep putting it off in my mind-- basically playing video games, reading books and distracting myself to not deal with this.
Does anyone have any advice for a heart that feels a little sore like mine?
Many Walks
05-13-2011, 13:18
Search the forums. There have been several threads with good input about hiking without a spouse and friends. The general information may help you narrow down your concerns to specific questions.
Spirit Walker
05-13-2011, 13:28
If you want to hike the trail, your focus really needs to be on the trail. It has to be the most important thing for you right now. If your attention is divided too much, then the first really hard day (and you will have plenty of those) you'll be on the first plane home. Can your wife join you for the first month? If not, can she meet you from time to time? Is she all right with you leaving while she starts her studies or is she resentful that you'll be having fun while she's working hard? She's living her dream; does she understand that the AT is one of yours?
Is it just a wish or a real goal for you?
Consider what you'll regret the most - what you'll value the most.
a common theme on these type of threads...a lot depends on how much support you have from your spouse.My wife was behind my hike 100% which helped a lot. we managed to visit 3 times during my hike which was helpful, the last being about midway in Pa. I was always a little depressed at the end of each visit but after a day or so I got back into the trail groove. she came up to maine at the end and we took a week's of vacation time there, missed the summitt date by two days...we bought plane tickets somewhat in advance so it was hard to pinpoint an exact date. i wanted to summitt with my trail buddies when we hit BSP. i think the feeling of being homesick was an issue that the single hikers didn't have to deal with nearly as much from what i saw.
Sterling
05-13-2011, 15:19
i am also going sobo in june and i share this account with my brother right now so i am 18.
We set off the day after my high school graduation and I will be leaving a ton of friends and a girlfriend of two years behind. I also plan on missing these people and likewise they will be gone when i return because of college, but this goal is way too important. I am so pumped for this journey and I know if I did not go I would be wasting away and constantly wondering what I could be accomplishing, even while out enjoying myself. For me, this thought blocks out the issues you are talking about.
I can't imagine doing something like hiking a long trail if it wasn't drawing me to it full force, chomping at the bit, I can't wait to get started. If I was feeling as much hesitation as you, I don't think I would go, or perhaps I would scale back my plans to something a little more manageable, like one month or one week. Leave it open-ended so that if you are having a great time, keep going and if you aren't, then you can easily go home without feeling like a failure.
I was lucky to have an understanding girlfriend considering I had bicycled solo across the country the year before my thru hike. Still it was tough.
One thing I did different on the hike was go out and buy about a half dozen "Thinking of You" type cards and put them in my bounce box. Then every so often at a maildrop I'd write a personal note on the card and mail it off. She appreciated the thought.
Cheers!
I have to agree with the others... a thru hike is something that should be gone into with as little regret as possible. Given what you've described, I'd say now may not be the time for you to do it. And that's not a bad thing, because the trail will be there whenever it is the right time for you to go.
At the sake of being crude, a thru-hike is perhaps the most selfish act in which you can engage, outside of suicide. Married hikers need to reconcile this long before the hike. The other person in your relation will have the greatest impact on your decision to hike, so you better be sure you know how they will react during the 6 months you are away.
Bags4266
05-14-2011, 13:27
When I hike my sections they are over a month long and near the end I feel guilty leaving her home alone with her chores as well as mine to do. Ex: cutting the lawn running the kids around etc. Its a bitter sweet.
When I hike my sections they are over a month long and near the end I feel guilty leaving her home alone with her chores as well as mine to do. Ex: cutting the lawn running the kids around etc. Its a bitter sweet.
my wife told me that she didn't realize how much work that I did around the house and yard until I was gone for 5-1/2 months!!!!:sun
subliminal
05-14-2011, 14:09
I'd say now may not be the time for you to do it. And that's not a bad thing, because the trail will be there whenever it is the right time for you to go.
Hmm... I pretty much agree with you except for one thing.
He's 20 years old. As he waits for the right time to come along he will most likely acquire things like marriage, children, mortgage, car payments, career, etc... If he follows the "traditional" path through life, he may be looking at a 45 year wait (or more) for the next "right time" to come along. And even then, is there ever a "right time" to walk away from your responsibilities and relationships for 6 months?
This may not be the "right time" for him, but it's entirely possible that the right time will never come along in his lifetime. Right now may be the closest he ever gets to it.
I guess it's a question of how important the hike is to him, and what sacrifices "make sense" to him in order to accomplish it.
I'm in a somewhat similar situation. The recession cost me my well-paying desk job of 15 years. Company went out of business right at the same time that people in my line of work were mostly getting laid off, and there was certainly no hiring going on. I've gone from being financially "comfortable" to squeeking by paycheck to paycheck, sold all of my expensive toys (boat, camper, etc...), and got rid of my nice house and am living in a mediocre little rental...
I don't mean that to sound like a sob story. I'm well past sobbing over it. I'm in the stage of seeing this as an opportunity. This is my "right time" to do something that many would see as crazy. I could have never brought myself to walk away from my career for an AT thru-hike. I had too much to lose. But now that I've lost most of the material things, it suddenly seems easy to walk away from my back-breaking, low paying job to go do something interesting and fulfilling for a little while.
It would also be a good opportunity to reflect a bit. In my case on whether or not I want to return to my career when the opportunity arrises, or if I want to take the plunge at 40 years old and start at the bottom in a new field that I would find more interesting. (The old wisdom to "do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life" is not always true. Sometimes when you take something you love and make a career out of it, you just end up with one less thing you love and one more thing that feels like work....)
I'm not sure where I'm going with all that rambling, except to say that in my 40 years on this planet, I've only learned a very few truths. One of them is that when you wait for the right time to do something, it never comes. If something is important to you, you may very well have to settle for the "least bad" time to do it.
Hey guys,
I'm leaving for a southbound hike in June... at least I really want to. I know I'll be sad if I never do this because I'll have a lot of fun and just get things together for a while. It will be nice, I know... I just worry that my wife, who I've been married to for nearly a year now, will miss me and that I'll miss her and feel a ton of guilt. She doesn't want to go-- I understand because she wants to go through grad school.
I am having a hard time dealing with the factor of leaving friends (some of whom I won't see for two years due to circumstances with my wife going to grad school and us having to move). I'm 20 and I've met some of my best friends here since I moved to South Dakota 2 years ago.
I keep putting it off in my mind-- basically playing video games, reading books and distracting myself to not deal with this.
Does anyone have any advice for a heart that feels a little sore like mine?
Yeah, grow up!
subliminal
05-14-2011, 14:49
Yeah, grow up!
Well, that's a bit harsh. (As most good advice is... ;))
In the end, though, I keep coming back to this part of his post....
I keep putting it off in my mind-- basically playing video games, reading books and distracting myself to not deal with this
Hell... Go hike. What a freakin' waste of your short time on God's Green Earth to sit around playing video games for six months just to take your mind off of the fact that you really want to be out experiencing the world for six months.
As far as your buddies go. Hell, friends come and go. If they're really lifelong friends, then going away for a little adventure isn't going to cost you that friendship. If it does, then they probably weren't going to be friends for more than a few years anyway...
The girlfriend is a little more tricky. Is she "the one"? Are the two of you going to be living in the nursing home together? If so, if you feel that way about her, then let her call the shots.
Otherwise, go do what you want to do. You're running out of time. The "freedom of youth" is something that you won't have anymore in a very short time, and it's something that really never comes back (for most people).
You just slip on the pack, Jack
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5--Sje98jI
Just go... you can always come back.
Lemni Skate
05-14-2011, 16:19
Figure out a way to make your wife a part of it. Talk to her as much as possible through phones or texts and maybe put her in charge of sending you supplies. You guys are really young and the time to do this hike is now before kids are born and careers are in the way, etc. I actually think it might be nice for her to be able to take those six months and really hit the books while you hit the trail.
One other thing. After you do this thing; you need to make sure she gets to fulfill a dream. Even if she comes up with one that seems expensive, crazy and over the top, figure out a way to make it happen for her. It's only fair.
At the sake of being crude, a thru-hike is perhaps the most selfish act in which you can engage, outside of suicide. Married hikers need to reconcile this long before the hike. The other person in your relation will have the greatest impact on your decision to hike, so you better be sure you know how they will react during the 6 months you are away.
This is a selfish act. It is all about me right now. I will walk away and feel some guilt. My husband gets it and understands i need this. Your marriage is very young. Be careful to nurture it. My advice is to continue to plan for a future date and dayhike with her. You never know what the future holds.
My wife and I have been together since 1988, I love my time alone on the AT (typical 2 week section hikes; 2x each year), she likes me gone as well. We reconnect when I come back, healthy time away for both of us.
The girlfriend is a little more tricky. Is she "the one"? Are the two of you going to be living in the nursing home together? If so, if you feel that way about her, then let her call the shots.
subliminal, I think you missed something, he's married.
20 years old, married less than a year and contemplating a six month hike while playing video games, all of which lead me to say "grow up".
Blissful
05-14-2011, 20:43
The AT is a mental game. If you haven't yet resolved these mental type issues of a new wife and friends that are bothering you, its gonna be hard to go out and hike for weeks on end with every mental situation thrown at you.
If you miss everybody that baddly, I don't think you'll make it, honestly. You have to obsess about the trail until it's all you care about.
subliminal
05-14-2011, 20:57
subliminal, I think you missed something, he's married.
20 years old, married less than a year and contemplating a six month hike while playing video games, all of which lead me to say "grow up".
You're absolutely right. I did miss, or overlook, that he's married. I think I did mention that I thought your telling him to "grow up" was damn good advice. Harsh advice, but good advice nonetheless... (Many times in life the best advice you can get is the advice that's hardest to hear...)
Still, even factoring in that he's married, I stand by what I had to say. He's 20. A young pup. If he doesn't go for this type of adventure now, it could very well be 45 years or more before the next good opportunity comes along....
I still say wait till the time is right. Just because it may not happen for another 45 years doesn't mean that now is the right time to go. When it is the right time, you'll know it. A year after getting married? That's not the right time.
subliminal
05-14-2011, 21:47
A year after getting married? That's not the right time.
Very true. I can't think of one single angle to argue against that point.
Still, the fact that the next right time could be so far away means that it may never come. 45 or 50 years from now he could very well have health issues that make it impossible.
That doesn't necessarily mean that I think he should definitely "go for it, and go for it now". I do think it means that he really needs to make a serious evaluation of how important it is to him, and do some serious, grown-up decision making and priority setting.
I know this is an overused phrase, but I think it applies here. This may very well be one of those "now or never" things.
And, it may very well be that "never" is the right choice for him. I don't know.
If you miss everybody that baddly, I don't think you'll make it, honestly. You have to obsess about the trail until it's all you care about.
I still say wait till the time is right. Just because it may not happen for another 45 years doesn't mean that now is the right time to go. When it is the right time, you'll know it. A year after getting married? That's not the right time.I have to agree with both of your advices. They are sound advices. To me, if you are so worried about leaving and basically attempting to "lose" your feelings of guilt and/or future remorse for wanting to go and do the hike by ignoring your true thoughts and feelings, then I don't think these feelings will lesson once out there on the trail, but will intensify. Approaching the start of something as big as a thru-hike, you need to be at peace with yourself and others. It would be normal to be filled with some anxiety, but this needs to be anxiety felt about beginning the hike itself, and all the mental and physical challenges that one will face once underway. To already have strong feelings of future remorse and fear of feeling a ton of guilt towards leaving your wife and friends is counterproductive in having a successful thru-hike. You need to be able to begin the hike in a state of mind where you are going to do it and all your desire to do it is brought to bear. They say that once a thru-hike gets underway, the trail has a way of "magnifying" all the little mental and physical hardships and distresses we all experience. In all likelyhood, once out there for awhile, if you are not at peace with the homefront and leaving the wife and your friends, then that "ton of guilt" you say you may feel for leaving them is in all likelyhood going to feel like ten tons of guilt out on the trail. The old saying I have heard from others over and over is that if thru-hiking the AT is not the most important thing you want to do, then don't do it and go do what is the most important thing. There is much wisdom in this. What needs to be also added to this in my opinion, is not only do you want to thuhike more than anything else, but you need to be at peace with everything else. For yourself right now may not be the best time to thru-hike. Only you know. Good Luck
theycallmej
05-17-2011, 16:45
I've read all of your responses and I appreciate them all-- no matter how soft or hard the advice is. :P
As far as selfish things go, how is the trail itself considered so selfish that it would be paired close to suicide? I want to hear more on how people feel this way or against it.
I'm hearing the argument that I should give it time and wait until a time when I feel right. I agree with it and disagree. On one hand, if I wait then I could find clarity and try to hike again next spring, but the growing trend is that I feel less and less resolve to do the trail when I could just be working a menial job... it's that the more I work at my job, the less I really care about anything. I've scheduled to hike a trail of some variety a number of times and I've kept myself from doing it each time out of guilt. If i were to stay, it would likely just lead to me wanting to stay and have a family-- then I'd go to college and have no idea what I want to do and waste time and money there. I have a slight idea of what I want to do when/if I go to college but I lack the enthusiasm and resolve to follow a dream. If I don't start following my dreams now, I can't depend on myself to simply do it later. Another blow to my confidence is a bit too much.
On one hand, if I go now, it does feel tough leaving and it's a difficult adjustment-- one I could go through but I'd feel bad about with leaving my wife. Yes, things are very amplified on the trail from what I've heard as well but how many people leave for a thru-hike without some degree of past difficulties or baggage? That's like asking for a clean slate and nobody has a clean slate. One of my friends that hiked it did so when things had bottomed out in his life and it was his time to regain his confidence and grow-- thus, I think I could do the same in this situation.
Beachcomber
05-17-2011, 17:03
I've scheduled to hike a trail of some variety a number of times and I've kept myself from doing it each time out of guilt. If i were to stay, it would likely just lead to me wanting to stay and have a family-- then I'd go to college and have no idea what I want to do and waste time and money there. I have a slight idea of what I want to do when/if I go to college but I lack the enthusiasm and resolve to follow a dream. If I don't start following my dreams now, I can't depend on myself to simply do it later.
Take off for a week. Go hiking, by yourself, and give yourself the space, time, solitude and quiet to just think and look deep inside yourself. Then go back to your wife, kick back on the sofa, play some video games, and see if things are any clearer for you. No downside: You haven't abandoned anything or anybody, you've gotten a taste of what you're yearning for, and you may just have better information on which to base a decision about what to do next.
JaxHiker
05-18-2011, 09:37
I think Beachcomber nailed it.
As far as selfish things go, how is the trail itself considered so selfish that it would be paired close to suicide? I want to hear more on how people feel this way or against it.
I think it's a little harsh to say it's THAT selfish. But maybe my perspective is skewed.
I did my hike in two summers making it doubly selfish. But during and after my hikes I wanted nothing more than for my partner to take his turn. I would be hiking somewhere amazing and be thinking, I wish he was here alone like me to experience this. Not with me, but alone like me. When he said he was going to take a leave and hike 700 miles of the trail last year I rejoiced. I was so excited. He was going to get to see what I saw, experience what I experienced. He'd UNDERSTAND. I was excited to be the box mailer. I was all set to hold down the homestead and set aside weekends every now and then to try and visit him on the trail. Then he slipped and sprained his ankle around mile 170 and that was the end of his hike. I think he was only out for 10 days. I think I was more disappointed than he was. I was crushed.
All that lengthy nonsense is to say that it's not 100% the most selfish thing for everybody. Maybe it is for some, but not for everyone. I don't see him as being selfish to do it at all. Maybe that's because me wanting him to do it is still me being selfish. I have to admit, I like having the house to myself, too.
the more I work at my job, the less I really care about anything.
The video games and distracting yourself from your feelings and feeling like you don't care about anything actually sounds like clinical depression.
I've scheduled to hike a trail of some variety a number of times and I've kept myself from doing it each time out of guilt....Another blow to my confidence is a bit too much.
This also sounds like clinical depression.
It sounds like you've always been a good boy, following directions, doing what you think is right. You reached a certain age and thought you should get married. You think you should go to college. You think you'll end up with a family. You sound like you just go through the motions, following the formula for what a person is supposed to do in life. You never say anything about what you actually WANT. Do you want anything?
I'm not really getting that you want the hike so much as it sounds like you want to find your voice and figure out what it is you do want. You need to do something. You can't go on doing what you are doing. It'll only lead to some kind of major blow up down the line. You'll either implode and end up addicted or in a mental hospital or you'll explode and walk away from all your responsibilities and hurt a lot of people including yourself. Whether doing a long distance hike is the answer for you is only something you can figure out. You may be the kind of person who has to take a big leap. Or you may be the kind of person who has to take one small step and thus following through on one of your smaller hikes would be a better goal. It may be wise to talk with someone, a counselor or a group maybe. They might not understand the thru-hike thing but they may understand everything else. They'll at least know you better than a bunch of internet strangers.
sbhikes is correct IMHO. please get some help to get your priorities straight. The trail will not fix you. Walking away is not the answer. Good luck to you and your wife.
Bootstrap
05-20-2011, 16:56
subliminal, I think you missed something, he's married.
20 years old, married less than a year and contemplating a six month hike while playing video games, all of which lead me to say "grow up".
Yup.
Still, even factoring in that he's married, I stand by what I had to say. He's 20. A young pup. If he doesn't go for this type of adventure now, it could very well be 45 years or more before the next good opportunity comes along....
Why? You really don't expect another chance to hike?
If your wife's opinion doesn't matter, why did you marry her in the first place? If your marriage doesn't come first, what does that say about you?
Let her know that what is important to her matters to you, and that she comes first.
Put his wife first? The guy seems to suffer pangs guilt for doing anything at all. Most guys take weekend trips away from their spouses from time-to-time and he suffers guilt at even the thought of that to the point that he just stays home and plays video games.
You can call it "growing up" but I think he really needs to talk to someone and get his life together so he can do something more than play video games, wallow in guilt and passively let life happen to him. Wanting to hike the trail might not be the right answer, but at least it's a sign that he knows he needs to take charge of his life. He should talk to someone.
Frogdown
05-20-2011, 18:15
I am OLD! My wife is OLD. We have had a great life together. We both do what we need to do and have the support of the other. If you have less than that I am sorry.
theycallmej
05-21-2011, 23:08
I think it's important to say here, I don't have clinical depression. I am happy here at times and I'm not condemned to just following the flow. I've done things I've wanted and I know the things I want to do in life-- I'm merely saying that unless I do something meaningful in life then I don't feel that I've accomplished anything. That's the human condition, NOBODY feels finished yet, I'm nothing special in this case.