View Full Version : Hiking partner dilemma
enurdat1
05-14-2011, 15:46
I love my solo hikes, but I also enjoy having someone on trail with me. My wife is all about an occasional day hike, but hasn't been willing to go for an overnighter yet. I have a friend, former co-worker that is in a similiar position, minus a spouse. She also happens to be a woman. We have no desire for a 'relationship' beyond friends. (We worked together for about 10 yrs before she changed jobs, and did date for a short time before I met my wife) My wife is a very tolerant and open minded person, but does not know this friend, other than by name. So my question is this, are there folks with opposite sex hiking partners that don;t get grief at home? thoughts? comments? Would love to hear what the ladies here think.
you are obviously showing concern and care what your wife thinks, as a woman i would suggest if you go on a hike with your friend, then get a third person to join, so it isn't just the two of you
I would file this under "If you have to ask you probably know the answer.".
I have a very good friend that is a therapist and we got into a long discussion the other week about whether it is possible for a man and woman to have a true platonic relationship, which is what you're describing plus adding to the equation being together and alone much of the time.
Despite wanting to sound all open minded and everything I would advise against it.
I expect to be in the minority on this as well. :)
p.s. And I'm not even going to address the fact that you used to date.
... this thread will go far...
subliminal
05-14-2011, 16:02
and we got into a long discussion the other week about whether it is possible for a man and woman to have a true platonic relationship,
On this topic, I believe "When Harry Met Sally" is the authoritative reference. :)
What's even more important, though, is not whether a man and woman can have a platonic friendship. What's important is whether their spouses will actually believe, over the long term, and repeated outings, that the friendship truly is platonic.
Human nature being what it is, I'd say this is a broken marriage waiting to happen.
Lemni Skate
05-14-2011, 16:10
I think the problem is this; women aren't just jealous of you being sexually unfaithful; they can be jealous of you being emotionally unfaithful. Another woman whom you enjoy being around instead of them is not going to be something most women will go for.
I think platonic relationships of the kind you describe are only possible when there is no physical attraction whatsoever, but even then your wife, whether she says so or not, is probably not going to understand you needing to go out in the woods with another woman.
Everybody's different, but I have experience in marriage counseling and I would say to scrap this idea.
subliminal
05-14-2011, 16:22
but I have experience in marriage counseling
Outstanding points. But let's not pretend that men are immune to jealousy of this type. We're more than capable of it as well....
I have to totally agree with 10-K. I do have a good friend that is of the opposite sex and would not go on an overnight hike alone or with a third party without my spouse. I know nothing would happen but there is too much room for speculation. I know if the roles were reversed I would not be comfortable and ALWAYS wonder. Given the fact that you did date I'd say you were treading dangerous waters....
hikerboy57
05-14-2011, 17:17
Im divorced, so I dont have to worry about my own spouse, but my hiking partner is married, I know her husband, he knows me, and he is totally cool , even when we've gone on overnights.we first met before she got married, and we did fool around for awhile, but never really clicked physically, and since then, her husband has fully accepted our freindship as purely platonic.But Im also 54 and "little hikerboy" doesnt pop up quite as often as he used to.I agree with 10k and others though. Your wife would have to be extremely secure in your marriage, or speculation will run rampant.Maybe if you all go out to dinner or something, it might ease her concerns.
Montana Mac
05-14-2011, 17:20
Take your wife and the friend out to dinner and let them get to know each other then see how your wife feels/thinks. If she is okay for it go. If she has ANY reservations don't.
You are all adults (I hope :D) and should be able to discuss this and figure out if it will work.
10K is correct. The spouse at home has it tough enough. I would not go hiking with a man I dated previously and expect my husband to be ok with it. We are amazing together but that would be a lot to expect of him.
jerseydave
05-14-2011, 17:24
I think you and your friend should just go ahead and have the affair you both secretely want, then once your wife finds out and divorces you, taking everthing you have, you will be free to spend as many overnighters as you like out on the trail with your "hiking friend" since your ex-wife has the house.
Life is so simple if you just let it be!
jd
ekeverette
05-14-2011, 17:43
10-5, the seasoned hiker. i think he had the right idea. not such a good idea. like he said, down in your gut you probably know the right choice. just messing with 10-k, i like calling him the seasoned hiker!
I love my solo hikes, but I also enjoy having someone on trail with me. My wife is all about an occasional day hike, but hasn't been willing to go for an overnighter yet. I have a friend, former co-worker that is in a similiar position, minus a spouse. She also happens to be a woman. We have no desire for a 'relationship' beyond friends. (We worked together for about 10 yrs before she changed jobs, and did date for a short time before I met my wife) My wife is a very tolerant and open minded person, but does not know this friend, other than by name. So my question is this, are there folks with opposite sex hiking partners that don;t get grief at home? thoughts? comments? Would love to hear what the ladies here think.
Lets flip the equation.
Lets say that you don't like foreign films, but she does and so does an X-boyfriend of her's. Would you give her grief if she started going to movies with this X when you are out hiking?
The only exception I have ever seen is when the wife (girlfriend) is friends with the other girl.
My suggestion is find another guy friend to hike with OR bring this girl over to dinner with the wife with the understanding that after dinner you are going to leave the two of them alone to get to know each other. And make sure your wife is ok with the hiking partner.
LIhikers
05-14-2011, 18:21
I love my solo hikes, but I also enjoy having someone on trail with me. My wife is all about an occasional day hike, but hasn't been willing to go for an overnighter yet.........
Just keep enjoying the solo hikes until your wife decides to try an overnighter. That's my advice for all the reasons everyone else has already offered.
subliminal
05-14-2011, 18:24
Lets flip the equation.
Lets say that you don't like foreign films, but she does and so does an X-boyfriend of her's. Would you give her grief if she started going to movies with this X when you are out hiking?
That's not quite a complete comparison. Remember, he's going out hiking. He'll be "spending the night" with another woman. Not only that, but he'll be spending the night with her in a quiet, secluded location. A location that some people might even consider "romantic".
Playing with fire if you ask me.
And don't forget, even if by some miracle his girl is completely, totally comfortable with the arrangement, there's another party to consider. Is his hiking partner's husband/boyfriend going to be equally cool with it?
What are the odds of getting the two "outsider" partners in this equation to both be comfortable with the arrangement?
Did I say playing with fire? Scratch that. This is playing with dynamite.
You're asking for trouble.
Find a different hiking partner that's male.
Datto
enurdat1
05-14-2011, 18:52
Thanks for the input folks. I think 10-K hit the nail on the head when he said "If you have to ask you probably know the answer." I've told my kids the same thing many times over the years. I strive for a drauma free life as much as possible, so I'll just keep going solo.
My hilking partner is a male friend but this question has never come up from his wife nor my husband...trust is a wonderful thing.
You know dang well your wife will flip out if you tell her you wanna do an overnight with an ex-girlfriend (whom she only knows by name)! Though I do think you should go for it anyway and be sure to report back to us your wife's reaction.
So, is your "friend" hot? Pics?
Thanks for the input folks. I think 10-K hit the nail on the head when he said "If you have to ask you probably know the answer." I've told my kids the same thing many times over the years. I strive for a drauma free life as much as possible, so I'll just keep going solo.
I have been thinking about this more......
You really should setup a camera to tape your wife's reaction when you ask her if you can go on an overnight trip with your X.
You might win one of those 10K prizes, when she kicks your *.
Or you could end up with a 3 way.
Either way, I think it is worth having on film.:D
subliminal
05-14-2011, 20:37
I strive for a drauma free life as much as possible, so I'll just keep going solo.
2 good calls. First good call, striving for a drama free life. I know I've had enough drama to last 10 people 10 lifetimes each. As such, it has become my goal and dream to at least once, before I die, to have a "boring" day. Just one day.... :)
Second good call, keep going solo. This is the sort of thing where your wife may say to go for it, trying to be understanding and supportive of you, but then on those nights when actually out there, her imagination could run wild with visions of you snuggling up next to a nice romantic campfire with another woman. She'd probably keep her mouth shut since she had given the ok until 6, 9, 18 months down the road during an unrelated argument, all of a sudden you'll be hearing about how she puts up with you having a "girlfriend"....
Your wife might be like my wife, one of the cool, non-jealous ones. But then again maybe not. Best not to tempt fate. Just keep looking for a male hiking buddy.
Or.... Better yet....
[QUOTE=enurdat1
hasn't been willing to go for an overnighter yet[/QUOTE]
Maybe the effort you would spend on making your wife understand your desire to hike with another woman would be better spent on removing the "yet" from that sentence. Hell, don't even make it a 20 mile hike with packs, just get her out car camping.
She may not ever actually go for it. Or she may agree, and hate every minute of it. But if I've learned one thing about women in my 40 years on this planet, it's that they like it when you want them with you, even when it's doing something they hate. Even when they refuse to go, they appreciate that you asked them to come along.
Keep asking her to come along. Don't get upset when she doesn't want to. Keep looking for a guy friend to hike with. Keep hiking solo in the meantime. But don't risk your marriage by asking your wife to accept the idea of you going out on overnighters with another woman. Especially one that you had a "thing" with in the past.
Sometimes you have to take a few steps back from a situation and evaluate what your real priorities really are....
chiefiepoo
05-15-2011, 10:42
[QUOTE=jerseydave;1159634]I think you and your friend should just go ahead and have the affair you both secretely want, then once your wife finds out and divorces you, taking everthing you have, you will be free to spend as many overnighters as you like out on the trail with your "hiking friend" since your ex-wife has the house.
Life is so simple if you just let it be!
You, sir, are the Dr. Phil of WB.
Even if he is confident of his true feelings, how well can he be sure of his friends?
88BlueGT
05-15-2011, 16:00
Well.... my girlfriend is pretty open minded as well so I thought I would run the situation past her and see what she said.
her response was....
me: so would you be mad?
her: "ummm yea"
me: why?
her: "because woman have ulterior motives"
guess I know now not to ever ask :D
Can't say that I wouldn't say the same thing is roles were reversed. I would just think that this guy was trying to pull a slick move in the woods on my GF.
Maybe if you ask her and she says no, than you can have some leverage to get her to go with you. Pull the whole, WELL I don't have anyone else to go with move and see if she will comply.
That's not quite a complete comparison. Remember, he's going out hiking. He'll be "spending the night" with another woman. Not only that, but he'll be spending the night with her in a quiet, secluded location. A location that some people might even consider "romantic".
Playing with fire if you ask me.
And don't forget, even if by some miracle his girl is completely, totally comfortable with the arrangement, there's another party to consider. Is his hiking partner's husband/boyfriend going to be equally cool with it?
What are the odds of getting the two "outsider" partners in this equation to both be comfortable with the arrangement?
Did I say playing with fire? Scratch that. This is playing with dynamite.
Nothing romantic about chafing and mosquito bites.
subliminal
05-15-2011, 22:31
Nothing romantic about chafing and mosquito bites.
Depends on who you have scratching those itchy spots for you. ;)
jeremiah j
05-16-2011, 00:56
I agree with chief and RWblue. Or in short form " are you F crazy.
Tipi Walter
05-16-2011, 08:39
10K is correct. The spouse at home has it tough enough. I would not go hiking with a man I dated previously and expect my husband to be ok with it. We are amazing together but that would be a lot to expect of him.
Agree.
Thanks for the input folks. I think 10-K hit the nail on the head when he said "If you have to ask you probably know the answer." I've told my kids the same thing many times over the years. I strive for a drauma free life as much as possible, so I'll just keep going solo.
This thread has been exhausted, so all I can say is to enjoy your solo trips, and maybe get a dog. All of my trips are solo and I live for the next time I can get out alone. It's really the only time I can curl up with a good book and get some peace and quiet and be out with Miss Nature, the only woman companion you'll ever need.
Remember that "You are never too old to yearn...but always of age to learn"...Add it all up, and if you value your relationship with your significant other, learn before you leap...Be skeptical of her acceptance, no matter how she might agree to support you. While you are on the trail, she will be home revisiting and re-evaluating her decision. Don't add another woman in the mix...Old flame or even a flicker?...Sounds volitile!...Don't even entertain the thought! It is not worth the risk of losing the woman you really love. You are lucky to have her support to even hike out there. Put up with hiking alone for now until you find a male buddy.
I love my solo hikes, but I also enjoy having someone on trail with me. My wife is all about an occasional day hike, but hasn't been willing to go for an overnighter yet.
Unless you can see your way to a day hike including the three of you, to test out everyone's comfort level, I agree with the "scrap it" chorus. If you all go on a few day hikes, you can see if all is comfortable and copasetic. You would also need to disclose, up front to your wife, one-on-one, the prior romantic history between you and the prospective hiking partner. If those hurdles can be negotiated, it might be doable.
chiefiepoo
05-16-2011, 13:00
Depends on who you have scratching those itchy spots for you. ;)
Umm, I think we need to check each other for tics.
If your wife is really cool, don't try to find out how cool she really is or you will.
The better part of good judgment is not to put yourself in situations that require good judgment in the first place.