View Full Version : I am at a crossroads
theycallmej
07-16-2011, 23:48
I have three choices right now… for background: I’m married, I moved away from home 2 years ago and have been living across the country since, I work at a retail store (have been there for two years) and have not gone to college yet in my life. I'm 20.
I have three choices at the moment.
1) My wife is going to grad. school in August and she wants me to leave with her– I don’t want to go with her because I am going to really miss my friends for the two years that I’m gone and I would be pretty miserable getting a new job and starting all over. I really don’t want to choose this option but if I just went with the flow and didn’t really put up any fight for my dreams or goals or feelings, this is probably what I’d go with. I'd go without going to college... my wife would finish... I'd become a stay-at-home dad... that's the relative idea.
2) I have a best friend that I’ve met where I moved– he’s amazing, fun to hang out with and a great friend to the point where he’s like a brother. I could try to stay here with him, get an apartment together and work at the same place and keep going for two years. Later on, my wife could move back or something else could happen– she might really hate me for making my decision to stay. also, I might have financial troubles if I stay here and things can be pretty uncertain. My future is a little coarse with this road-- I don't know if I'd get around to what I really want: hiking the appalachian trail or hiking a long trail in general.
3) This is the route I’ve wanted to take my whole life, I want to admit that. I want to leave to hike the appalachian trail and do the whole thing– southbound hike, northbound hike, whatever– I want to simply hike for a while and get the enjoyable feeling of being to myself and pursuing my goal of long-distance hiking. I expect the worst and having to deal with some tough times but it would be worth it for the experience, even if I don’t do the whole trail, I'd gain a lot of self-confidence in simply going and facing my feelings rather than burying them all of the time. The problem here is that I’d leave both my wife and my best friend for this for six months and then afterwards I might just have trouble finding a job or continuing my life afterwards. This is the ideal time to do this in my life– before any real tie-downs and before children.
Most ways I take this, I have to leave my current job which bugs me a lot, unless I stay then I could keep my job. I want to put in a two week notice and come back at some point (if I left with my wife I’d have to just transfer to another of the same retail store). I just don’t know what to do or what the best option is and I need to have this decided by Monday
Accompany your wife to grad school. Make a new life wherever that is. When your wife is done with school and has a job, that's when to consider a thru-hike.
Tuckahoe
07-17-2011, 00:37
Here's my take, and its purely my opinion... But the right thing is option #1.
Your wife is supposed to be your best friend and partner. That whole for better or for worse thing that yall vowed when yall got married. Her going to grad school is the best thing for the both of you and your futures. Yes, you have to move and leave some friends that you have met along the way, but this is the moment in your lives that you sacrifice for each other, so that yall can build a better life down the road. Once she is finished with grad school then you have your opportunity to hit the AT and do your thru.
With your post I am reading a lot of me, me, me but not much we. You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you and the AT will always be there.
theycallmej
07-17-2011, 02:51
Perhaps I'm not explaining well enough if this all seems about me...
My moving to another state was purely because of her-- she could have moved out to live with me but she wanted to be closer to her family. I left my family because I didn't want her to feel guilty (and I left my plan at the time to hike the AT after finishing high school). Because I left home, my family disowned me and no longer speaks to me. My dad has contracted pancreatic cancer and won't even talk to me to tell me how he's doing being he is still upset that I left home "for some girl" in his words.
My wife and I get along and we have an excellent relationship but when it comes down to it, I have done a good deal of sacrificing where she has done little. I am having to give up going to college for the moment for her future just because she is older and will finish first (someone has to pay for our apartment and so on so that falls to me), she has continued to push my leaving for the trail several times over the fact that she would "miss me too much." She also had an option of going to grad school closer to where we are right now BUT she chose a grad school 3 hours away because, in her words, it was a better program. She ignored my wanting to stay in our current state where I've settled in and found happiness.
We barely spend much time together as it is-- do I love her? Not if she gets all of her needs and wants fulfilled while I'm stuck working a dead end job. The only reason I've enjoyed my current job is the friends I've made-- I'm not saying I wouldn't make more at another store but it's the principle of the matter that I feel that I'm giving up my life for her and she isn't feeding interest in my dream of the Appalachian trail. She constantly gets to moping around when I try talking to her and getting her interest and I tried getting her to go with me once but she said she just isn't in the physical condition for it. she has put off a lot of excuses so that we don't have to spend time away from each other... but it's something I don't mind in the least.
So, not to come off as selfish or that everything is all about me but I've done my fair share of sacrificing.
If you wish to have a marriage, then option 1 is the only choice. I realize you are only 20, but I find your immaturity slightly alarming. You'll miss your friends and don't want to start over at another retail job don't sound like even remotely valid reasons for not following your wife. I actually don't think you're really being honest there either- you're later response shows your resentment toward her. I hardly think your dream of going on vacation for 6 months is equivilent to her getting a graduate degree. I strongly suggest you guys see a marriage counselor because your relationship is deeply troubled. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think it is very true.
If you wish to have a marriage, then option 1 is the only choice. I realize you are only 20, but I find your immaturity slightly alarming. You'll miss your friends and don't want to start over at another retail job don't sound like even remotely valid reasons for not following your wife. I actually don't think you're really being honest there either- you're later response shows your resentment toward her. I hardly think your dream of going on vacation for 6 months is equivilent to her getting a graduate degree. I strongly suggest you guys see a marriage counselor because your relationship is deeply troubled. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think it is very true.
If you wish to have a marriage, then option 1 is the only choice. I realize you are only 20, but I find your immaturity slightly alarming. You'll miss your friends and don't want to start over at another retail job don't sound like even remotely valid reasons for not following your wife. I actually don't think you're really being honest there either- you're later response shows your resentment toward her. I hardly think your dream of going on vacation for 6 months is equivilent to her getting a graduate degree. I strongly suggest you guys see a marriage counselor because your relationship is deeply troubled. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think it is very true.
JerseyJohn
07-17-2011, 04:15
I'll give you my opinion, but first I'll give you some of my background. I missed my first chance at the AT when I was your age for various reasons, but that was the perfect time in my life to do it, I was young, no commitments whatsoever, and my father would have given me the financial backing. I was really into camping, and hiking, but I hadn't gone backpacking since I was a boyscout and was really daunted by the idea, and hadn't seriously considered it at the time. Now I'm really interested in going and I'm in the basic planning stages, but now things are complicated. I'm married, we have a car and good jobs, and we rent an apartment, so it is much more difficult to plan a thru-hike, even if my wife is interested in joining me. If she did, that would be a huge sacrifice, and we've both made some big sacrifices for each other the past four years we've been together. One thing I've learned is that the kind of love that survives the first years of marriage is tough to come by, and shouldn't be thrown away. Telling yourself that you two will live apart for two years then move back together might be easy, but if you think it will be easy then you are lying to yourself, and if you know how tough it might be, then you might already have some ideas about a future without her in it. God knows I've told myself more than once that if I was single, or if we split up for any reason, I would be on the AT the next spring, but the reality is that we are together and I wouldn't throw away our relationship just to change my lifestyle for a few months. It sounds like you are overlooking a serious and exciting aspect of your situation, and that is dropping everything and moving to a new city. You'll have a chance to completely reinvent yourself, even if you transfer to another store, you'll be dealing with new people and new surroundings. As happy as I am with my life, I would love the opportunity for me and my wife to move to another city. You and your wife are on a life long journey, support each other, and you can always tell her that right now you are making the huge sacrifice of leaving everything you know, so when she finishes school you expect her to understand the sacrifice she will have to make of either letting you go on the AT, or joining you. Start small to get her interested, day hikes in parks, weekend camping trips, a few short backpacking trips, get her into the lifestyle slowly, and she might really take to it and enthusiastically push for a thru-hike. If she really hates it, then it isn't for her and its not necessarily her fault, and it isn't something you can force on someone. I truly feel some of your pain, though I don't have such a pressing deadline, the truth is the AT will be there longer than anybody here, but the window of time you have to keep your relationship healthy can be shorter than you think. My vote is to take a chance on a new city with your wife. If you don't burn your bridges and things don't work out there, it sounds like you can always come back to where you are now. Take the chance, man. You don't get too many.
DamnYankee
07-17-2011, 07:15
You choose to get married and follow your wife, stick with it, if your best friend is really your best friend then he will totally support you in your choice to move with your wife. You mentioned 3 hours away, that's not so big a deal there, try a deployment sometime over seas for 15 months or more. When your wife finishes grad school you'd be in a much better position to attempt your thru hike. Imagine if you left your wife for this, the serious emotional and marital damage it could cause and the second day on the trail you break an ankle! you will have lost everything for nothing at that point. Hike your own hike but don't destroy what you have to get an uncertain promise. Slow the roll just a bit and you can have your marriage, your friend, your retail job and your dream of the A.T. as well. Use her grad school time to prepare and gather equipment and research, heck maybe even your friend will join you on the trail. Anyway I wish you good luck with your decision, although I kinda think you have already made up your mind and posting here was kind of a formality. I'm sorry for your fathers reaction about your marriage and his continuing resentment in regards to your wife etc. I hope that bridge can be repaired.
Peace Out
I think you need to think long and hard about what's important to you here. Your commitment to your marriage is a serious one, however you may not have given it the serious thought one should before getting into it. Your family may have disowned you, as you say, because they thought uprooting yourself to marry this specific person was unwise. They may have been right (and they may not).
I agree with those who've pointed to your thinking as immature - which is different from selfish or unselfish. But that does not mean you should stick with an unhappy marriage. Some growing up and figuring out - which we can't and shouldn't do for you - is in order. I'd say college for you, as soon as possible, is a great idea in any event. A long distance hike for a few months might also do you a load of good and give you fine stories to tell in your college applications if you need them. Whether and how that and college and your marriage all fit together is for you to determine, in consultation with your wife and your family if possible.
I think you need to think long and hard about what's important to you here. Your commitment to your marriage is a serious one, however you may not have given it the serious thought one should before getting into it. Your family may have disowned you, as you say, because they thought uprooting yourself to marry this specific person was unwise. They may have been right (and they may not).
I agree with those who've pointed to your thinking as immature - which is different from selfish or unselfish. But that does not mean you should stick with an unhappy marriage. Some growing up and figuring out - which we can't and shouldn't do for you - is in order. I'd say college for you, as soon as possible, is a great idea in any event. A long distance hike for a few months might also do you a load of good and give you fine stories to tell in your college applications if you need them. Whether and how that and college and your marriage all fit together is for you to determine, in consultation with your wife and your family if possible.
carpattack
07-17-2011, 08:21
You can always keep in touch with your friends on Facebook. Get your life and marriage straightened out first and foremost. Then the priorities can begin to take shape and fall in place. I can't imagine you have been married long as young as you are but already living apart isn't healthy. Make amends with your family, get your marriage on the right track, seek counseling if needed, and if the AT is still high on your dreams list after that is done, work a job (any job) to save money to support your trip and your wife while you hike it. Who knows, maybe after she finishes grad school she may want to hike it with you.
stars in her eyes
07-17-2011, 08:41
Don't use the AT as a way of escaping a marriage. Man up, get the divorce you already said you want in so many words, and figure your own life out. Don't bring that mess onto the trail.
Slo-go'en
07-17-2011, 08:41
What the heck were you thinking, getting married at 18? Since you don't already have a child, get a divorce and end this relationship ASAP. Or you could make a deal with your wife (in writting). You'll help her get through the rest of school, but once she gets a job, your off to the trail. Then you can settle down, make babies and be a stay at home dad.
Good thing I'm not Ann Landers, eh?
Toolshed
07-17-2011, 09:19
Don't use the AT as a way of escaping a marriage. Man up, get the divorce you already said you want in so many words, and figure your own life out. Don't bring that mess onto the trail.
I agree.
You don't want to be with her - According to what I am reading, She's is draggin' you everywhere and if she doesn't leave you once gets her degree, then for the rest of your life you will cowtow to her and resent her. Man up and move on. Get the divorce, patch-up with the family and move on with your life.
Nutbrown
07-17-2011, 09:34
You would rather choose a friend or trail over your wife? Stop being such a wus. If there are no kids, go to school yourself. Loans are a pain, but also a reality. So you move to another state...get over it. The trail will wai, and if your friend is really your brother, he will remain your friend. Go with your wife, find a new life with her, and find happiness.
Jim Adams
07-17-2011, 09:53
I think you have explained it well...you need to grow up! Option 1 is the only option. Either work out the problems in your marrage or end it but I haven't seen a mature reason from you yet to end it. Move, support your wife, help her with the grad school and then BOTH of you do what you need to do to go on and be happy in this marrage. I can't believe that you would consider causing more problems in your relationship because you might miss your friend. Why did you get married in the first place?
If you are working and supporting your wife while she is in school then once she graduates let her find work in her field of study and support you while you go to school. Explain to her about your desires to hike the trail and make an agreement to hike it immediately after your graduation and before starting back to work.
Grow up, your immaturity is making you look like you are in JR. highschool.
geek
Your wife should come first.
That being said, choosing the trail isn't putting your wife second. But return to her.
Though hiking isn't all it's cracked up to be and most people for one reason or another don't finish what they set out to do anyway. Section-hiking is a much better option. You could have it all.
Your dreaming about through hiking the A.T. is an excuse to avoid making decisions and commitments. The best through hikes involve a journey to something better, but this program strikes me as running from responsibilities.
+1 to fixing things at home, first. That may mean you need to be the supportive husband you should be (your wife's grad school will benefit you both; doing the trail, now, will more-than-likely not) or, ending the relationship if you don't want to support your wife's current, logical and realistic goal(s). Two years for grad school isn't that long. Living with regret (losing the wife on top of the parents?) can be difficult: the trail will be there if things don't work out...
The 'dead end job' issue will most likely be fixed after you get to school (so don't hold that against her). The wife going to grad school is a very smart move for the both of you...
Perennial
07-17-2011, 15:14
I'm going to say this as respectfully as I can: your whole post practically screams 'immature'. I would suggest giving serious thought to why you got married in the first place and if, in your heart of hearts, you intend to stick with it over the long term. ;)
This is at least the 2nd. time you've posted this. Guess you didn't like the previous responses. Your wife should be the one to bail, there's no future with you.
vamelungeon
07-17-2011, 16:44
LOL!!! This entire thread is cracking me up! Coming on WB to get help with life-altering decisions! You can't make this stuff up!
Hey kid, you're trying to bail on your marriage but you want the approval of an internet hiking forum???? You're WAY too immature to BE MARRIED! Your wife should be the one bailing on you.
theycallmej
07-17-2011, 22:01
Man, I never expected so many hateful responses simply from asking advice from people who may have gone through the same situation in life. I apologize if all that you guys want to do is berate me for asking for help. Granted, I fully realize you guys are not in my shoes, you don't seem to know my situation at all and to be laughed at and to be told I'm immature is frankly not want I came to this board for. **** all of you who have the nerve to say such things that I only have one choice and that I'm not doing anything for my wife.
vamelungeon, you should respect other people-- give or take this is an internet forum and I'm not as mad as I'd be in real life, because who would honestly say such things to another person in real life? I'm dealing with a very real problem-- this is my reality to deal with and your mocking me doesn't give me any help. **** you and your "advice"-- your sentiments are some of the most hurtful you could have said. I never did anything to you, will never meet you in life I'm sure but you seem to feel the urge to cause other people pain just because you get jollies from it? **** you again.
Thanks for the "advice," guys, and be sure to pile it all in a toilet and **** on it, respectively. You don't know my life enough but all I wanted was for some guidance and advice. Remember that many people on these forums are simply looking for some help and inspiration.