View Full Version : How many of you actually help people? aka. this site is a piece of ****
theycallmej
07-17-2011, 22:07
It seems that any time I try to get help or guidance from people on whiteblaze, I get shot down by jerks who couldn't care less about the sentiments of other people. I'm sure I'm not the only one to experience this, so why the **** does everyone have the need to be so condescending.
Delete my account, you know it's true. I doubt most of you actually hike.
I think most people on here hike. And, sure, there's a portion of people that aren't helpful on any set of forums...they're the ones who always answer by saying "search is your friend". That kind of annoys me because in the time they typed that in the could have answer the newbiews question.
Anyway, hope you stick with it, this place is a great resource and community, well, 99.98% of the time :-)
P.S. I hike and while I've very occasionally come across an unhelpful person on here, nine times out of ten someone has been helpful and pointed me in a good direction!
theycallmej
07-17-2011, 22:20
When it comes to advice for the technical aspects of hiking, I'm sure this site is great.
For asking for help or advice when it comes to getting the courage to hike and dealing with life situations, nobody seems to support. I'm going through a stressful and difficult part of my life-- my wife keeps delaying my hike, every one seems to know what is best for me and doesn't realize I need some confidence for what I want in life, my dad is dying from pancreatic cancer, my life on it's own is just in turmoil. Having had a whole thread of comments on how I'm immature is not making me feel good at all about my life. Some people are going to say that I need a wake-up call then but what I truly need is just kindness and a guiding hand-- isn't that what anyone needs?
whiteblaze seems like a place where everyone wants to be a tough guy and get into arguments-- is that what the internet was intended for? I'm young, I'm growing, I merely wanted kindness.
If I could delete my account, I would do it in a heartbeat to be honest. I'm devastated by how rude this community has been to me. I can't believe NOBODY has been helpful to me and my goals in life where I'd do anything to answer questions if I could.
WB is a great place to ask hiking questions most of the time (though you will quickly find that you will not get a definitive answer on anything).
What it is not good at is providing guidance on relationships, employment, and things of a personal nature. If that's what you're looking for you will be perpetually disappointed.
Jersey Tim
07-17-2011, 22:29
You not being told what you want to hear isn't the same as the forum being unhelpful.
http://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/showthread.php?74539-I-am-at-a-crossroads
People read what you said and tended to agree that you needed to think long and hard, and make a decision only you could make. The rudeness came from you, being angry and dismissive because people on a hiking forum told you that major life decisions were yours alone to make.
theycallmej
07-17-2011, 22:30
So none of you had to deal with the feeling of nervousness of leaving home for an unsure thing like a thru-hike? Leaving a spouse for a period of time, having a difficult situation where you're torn on what you want and what someone else wants?
I simply wanted kindness and advice on a human level-- it does deal with hiking but maybe I was terribly wrong to suppose that those at whiteblaze could feasibly understand my situation and relate to my feelings. Call me immature all day, call me stupid, rude, etc. but I'm merely human. I'm not elitist to say that I'm better than everyone here or to call every single person wrong or "immature" as they did to me... but damn, do you guys walk trails without any introspection to realize other folks have feelings and dreams here too and that they're delicate?
WB is a great place to ask hiking questions most of the time (though you will quickly find that you will not get a definitive answer on anything).
What it is not good at is providing guidance on relationships, employment, and things of a personal nature. If that's what you're looking for you will be perpetually disappointed.
theycallmej
07-17-2011, 22:38
Exactly, every poster said that I need a "rude awakening" and consecutively called me "immature." That's not what I want to hear but it's not exactly a polite way to give any help.
Great advice, or is it? To call someone immature, isn't that a little provoking? I didn't tell folks on the forum to **** off afterwards without feeling, I meant it-- we all write what we say with a purpose and the overwhelming feeling every one is giving off is this:
1. Marriage is this: you have to obediently follow your wife, let her keep delaying my dreams (this is the seventh time, and as one poster noted, I have posted here before but my situation is because my wife gets to moping and being depressed every time I'm about to leave. She sabotages me every time.)
2. I'm immature. (great... now what? I need to grow more? I need to follow what every one else says, thus I'll mature from it? Or do I need to make my own ****ing mistakes and learn my own lessons in life?)
3. I get laughed at for asking for emotional help.
Nobody said it's a decision I needed to make, they tried to make it for me by saying my wife should be leaving me and that I'm dismissing her goals so I should follow her with my tail between my legs without voicing my own opinion. Screw that-- try going through your life working at Target for two years, delaying college for your significant other and even though you love them, you still have your own longing and goals. I have no family any more but for my wife-- I place a lot of importance on the friends I've made here, that's why I don't want to move. Call that immature as much as you want and say that I should leave simply to cater to my wife but what type of advice is that? It's suicide by tiny increments every time I delay what I want to do and try. Maybe I'll fail epicly-- but god knows I can bounce back, I know that in my heart. I just want to stop being told what's best for me instead of getting advice that gives me confidence.
This school of thought that cold, hard "truths" help is ridiculous-- if you don't feel good about a choice, why just go with what every one says you should do?
You not being told what you want to hear isn't the same as the forum being unhelpful.
http://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/showthread.php?74539-I-am-at-a-crossroads
People read what you said and tended to agree that you needed to think long and hard, and make a decision only you could make. The rudeness came from you, being angry and dismissive because people on a hiking forum told you that major life decisions were yours alone to make.
Silverstone
07-17-2011, 22:42
I'm a member on other forums of diverse interests--other than hiking--and I have to admit, this place seems to get more than it's fair share of people whose sole purpose in life, it seems, is to argue or condescend. Couple that with the gram weenies who always want to tell you that their way is better, and I too hesitate to ask too much advice. I get much more useful knowledge out of the articles threads.
Toolshed
07-17-2011, 22:47
It's like going on a relationship forum and asking about hiking stuff.
Dude seriously, you asked and I told you my thoughts - You probably didn't like what I had to say, but if you are going to put it out there and ask for comments, then you need to unfurl your balls and be man enough to listen/read, regardless of whether you agree with it or not.
Toolshed
07-17-2011, 22:50
exactly, every poster said that i need a "rude awakening" and consecutively called me "immature." that's not what i want to hear but it's not exactly a polite way to give any help.
Great advice, or is it? To call someone immature, isn't that a little provoking? I didn't tell folks on the forum to **** off afterwards without feeling, i meant it-- we all write what we say with a purpose and the overwhelming feeling every one is giving off is this:
1. Marriage is this: You have to obediently follow your wife, let her keep delaying my dreams (this is the seventh time, and as one poster noted, i have posted here before but my situation is because my wife gets to moping and being depressed every time i'm about to leave. She sabotages me every time.)
2. I'm immature. (great... Now what? I need to grow more? I need to follow what every one else says, thus i'll mature from it? Or do i need to make my own ****ing mistakes and learn my own lessons in life?)
3. I get laughed at for asking for emotional help.
Nobody said it's a decision i needed to make, they tried to make it for me by saying my wife should be leaving me and that i'm dismissing her goals so i should follow her with my tail between my legs without voicing my own opinion. Screw that-- try going through your life working at target for two years, delaying college for your significant other and even though you love them, you still have your own longing and goals. I have no family any more but for my wife-- i place a lot of importance on the friends i've made here, that's why i don't want to move. Call that immature as much as you want and say that i should leave simply to cater to my wife but what type of advice is that? It's suicide by tiny increments every time i delay what i want to do and try. Maybe i'll fail epicly-- but god knows i can bounce back, i know that in my heart. I just want to stop being told what's best for me instead of getting advice that gives me confidence.
This school of thought that cold, hard "truths" help is ridiculous-- if you don't feel good about a choice, why just go with what every one says you should do?
you are asking for relationship advice on a hiking forum.. You already know the answer - don't wait for a poll on it.........really dude!!
theycallmej
07-17-2011, 22:56
You are a condescending piece of ****, in all honesty.
Telling me to unfurl my balls? be man enough to listen/read? Does that offer ANY advice? does it help any? Do you feel better from it? Is it going to last you very long before you have to do it again and keep being a negative, bugging *******?
I really give you props if you call pull of a lifestyle like this in the longterm. I left home and hitchhiked to South Dakota and I met a lot of great people but they were great because of their kindness and they inspired me to be polite and have a heart back. It seems like you need to grow up and be a man much more than I do. I'm not going to tell you that you have a penis the size of an amoeba or say that you're a girl because I fully realize this will do nothing to change you. Is this your idea of helping on whiteblaze?
Sorry to say that relationships DO have a role in hiking. Positive advice is a good thing for both parties in situations. So, with that said, which type are you giving? Put your balls aside for a moment and think with your brain and heart-- it seems those two areas have been deprived of blood for too long.
Ignorance is bliss.
Just had to slip that in.
It's like going on a relationship forum and asking about hiking stuff.
Dude seriously, you asked and I told you my thoughts - You probably didn't like what I had to say, but if you are going to put it out there and ask for comments, then you need to unfurl your balls and be man enough to listen/read, regardless of whether you agree with it or not.
cavediver256
07-17-2011, 23:00
theycallmej, in a nut shell, you came on here asked your questions about a thru-hike and asked for others opinions. Well that is exactly what you got, what you asked for. Now obviously you don't like the opinions you received, but keep a few things in mind: 1) You asked for the opinions, 2) Opinions are just that, 3)If you don't like what you have heard, dismiss it. There really isn't any sense in telling everyone to **** off. I can assure you, that isn't the way to win hearts and minds here, or anywhere else for that matter.
Having said that, you can lump me in with everyone else, and get all bent out of shape about what has been said in this thread too. It seems to me, you know what the "right" answer is, you just don't want to hear it, and you want someone to justify you putting away your responsibility to your wife and doing what you already know is a bad damn idea. Hiking the trail is about getting out and enjoying nature and the trail, it is gonna be really hard to do with that conscious riding your ass for 2175 miles.......and if you do complete a 2175 mile thru-hike, then what???? It's the AT brother, it will be there long after you and I are both dead and gone. And if that ain't the answer you seek, leave the wife, and go hike the trail!!!!!
It depends on the Thread. Some replies (and questions) are helpful and friendly, others are dismissive and a little mean. You kinda have to take the good with the bad. Sometimes it's difficult, but don't take the bad too personally. Hike on.
If I understand your concerns correctly I suggest you read some of the excellent books on hiking the AT: Walking the Appalachian Trail by Larry Luxenburg; Walking with Spring, Earl Shafer; There Are Mountains to Climb, and many others that deal with physical, mental side of things as well as relationships. I find "A Walk in the Woods" by Bryson a bit cynical and not in the loop of a serious hiker -- just sayin, ya know.
Old Boots
07-17-2011, 23:25
I have spent over 45 years helping people struggling with issues like yours. I would not presume to tell you what to do on the basis of the information you have supplied. The people on this forum are hikers not therapists. The kindest answer to give you is to see someone with whom you can spend some time and who has the expertise to help you. The concerns you raise go way beyond whether you should hike the AT. I have spent 60 years experiencing all manner of wilderness in this country. I plan on tackling the AT next year. I would counsel patience.
Exactly, every poster said that I need a "rude awakening" and consecutively called me "immature." That's not what I want to hear but it's not exactly a polite way to give any help.
Great advice, or is it? To call someone immature, isn't that a little provoking? I didn't tell folks on the forum to **** off afterwards without feeling, I meant it-- we all write what we say with a purpose and the overwhelming feeling every one is giving off is this:
1. Marriage is this: you have to obediently follow your wife, let her keep delaying my dreams (this is the seventh time, and as one poster noted, I have posted here before but my situation is because my wife gets to moping and being depressed every time I'm about to leave. She sabotages me every time.)
2. I'm immature. (great... now what? I need to grow more? I need to follow what every one else says, thus I'll mature from it? Or do I need to make my own ****ing mistakes and learn my own lessons in life?)
3. I get laughed at for asking for emotional help.
Nobody said it's a decision I needed to make, they tried to make it for me by saying my wife should be leaving me and that I'm dismissing her goals so I should follow her with my tail between my legs without voicing my own opinion. Screw that-- try going through your life working at Target for two years, delaying college for your significant other and even though you love them, you still have your own longing and goals. I have no family any more but for my wife-- I place a lot of importance on the friends I've made here, that's why I don't want to move. Call that immature as much as you want and say that I should leave simply to cater to my wife but what type of advice is that? It's suicide by tiny increments every time I delay what I want to do and try. Maybe I'll fail epicly-- but god knows I can bounce back, I know that in my heart. I just want to stop being told what's best for me instead of getting advice that gives me confidence.
This school of thought that cold, hard "truths" help is ridiculous-- if you don't feel good about a choice, why just go with what every one says you should do?The bottom line is that once you became married, you entered into an agreement whereby you would approach life and it's challenges and triumphs as a team. You would mutually respect one another's hopes and dreams, and you would make decisions regarding them mutually. If your wife goes into a psychological "funk" everytime you bring up hiking the AT, then it is obvious she does not want you to do that at this point in your marriage. Your wife has hopes and dreams of going to school and bettering herself, and quit frankely it appears that maybe she wants you to persue loftier goals also. The fact that friends are very important makes your decision to move away from them hard. However if you choose to stay with your buddy, then don't be surprised if your marriage unravels completely soon afterward. Your wife may say she won't mind your doing that, but believe me I bet she most certainly will. And then someone may wind up choosing her, and her them, if you know what I mean. You are young and married. As hard as it is to accept, unless your wife is willing to let you go and do what you want, you now are not as free as being single as you once were. You need to make some tough decisions that only you can really make. Good Luck and try not to get pissed at the other's here offering advice, condescending or otherwise. It might not be what you want to hear or like, but there is much wisdom in what responses have been said.
WB is a great place to ask hiking questions most of the time (though you will quickly find that you will not get a definitive answer on anything).
What it is not good at is providing guidance on relationships, employment, and things of a personal nature. If that's what you're looking for you will be perpetually disappointed.
Agree. Call Oprah.
You asked and I gave you the best repsectful non-condescending advice I could offer. I was quite sincere in suggesting you go to marriage counseling- that may not be what you wanted to hear, but I think it is quite valid advice. The only option that makes any sense (if you wish to be married) is to follow your wife to grad school- which is pretty much what everyone said- some in a rude, inappropriate, and condescending manner which I disapprove.
As for deferring your dreams- that is very often required in life. As you are only 20, I think it is fair to say you have another 40-50 years to hike the AT. Waiting 2 years so your wife can get a graduate degree which will benefit you both for the rest of your lives seems a very small sacrifice.
I know you are in a difficult emotional spot, but leaving your wife to go walkabout for 6 months is very likely to put you in a much more difficult one.
Perhaps you can find some shorter term adventures to temporarily slake your wanderlust? Perhaps you can find something your wife likes to do? Bike touring is one option, as is section hiking various NS trails. Being young is not a crime, but it is wise to consider that it gives one a limited perspective.
flagator
07-18-2011, 00:10
The vast majority of people on here are extremely helpful. I've had times where my thread was hijacked or someone says something more to be a jerk than helpful, so I understand. But those times are few and far between and people are human. J, most people responded to your post in the correct manner. I would give you the same advice, move with your wife embrace that adventure right now. If you dont like your wife, divorce her... its best for you both in the long run. Seems like everyone lined up and gave u the same advice, the advice you were hoping you didnt get. Well the trail is great and all, but its always going to be there man. And your talking about being a stay at home dad, come on man your 20 years old, be self dependent, go to school or get educated in a trade, this way you always have something to fall back on. But like several have mentioned, this is a hiking forum. There are real people are and mostly very good people, but speaking as a whole their expertise is hiking, not relationships. They dont know all the details that would go into making the correct decision. You didnt list all the details that would be necessary to make a correct decision. This is like going to eharmony and asking what you need to mount washington the best, the results could be deadly bro. Good luck with whatever you do.
theycallmej
07-18-2011, 00:13
The "right" answer... what is a "right" answer when it comes down to it? I fully realize that any choice I take, I'm going to come out fine in the end, therefore there isn't a "right" or "wrong" answer because I'm going to get a different set of lessons and experiences from each but isn't it important to have some role in choosing that? We al have different meanings and opinions of words and ideas, marriage being one of them. For me, my marriage was something my wife had me do and she forced on to me more than anything. I didn't need to get married right away, it wasn't something I wanted right away but it is what it is-- I am married, whether I had been rushed in or not.
I don't want my conscience riding my butt the whole trip either so do you think calling my trip a "wrong" idea, as you implied, is going to help with that any way it goes? My wife wants me home and that's her selfish idea, when I put it that way, the way I know it to be true, it's not something that weighs me down. It seems like whiteblaze is also full of a bunch of nuts that think any marriage should be protected no matter what but marriages vary from person to person. How many of you were divorced and that led you to the trail?
Sure, the trail will be there when I'm dead and gone but it's value and importance might change with my life. If I have kids before I hike, I may NEVER hike the trail (this is a very real thing, too, because my wife wants to try to have kids in her second year of grad. school and while I'd love to have kids, it seems like it takes the trail out of any equation in my life). Yea, I can do it later in life because it will always be there but I'll wish I had done it sooner and I'd otherwise be old and not able to enjoy the trip. I do have some messed up knees that will only get worse as I get older-- with controlled amounts of hiking and low weight I can be fine but when I'm older and am arthritic? It might not be as easy.
I'm like everyone else, I don't want to age and find I haven't even lived. Mock me then for wanting my cake and eating it too, I want to have my youth and enjoy it. What a shame!
theycallmej, in a nut shell, you came on here asked your questions about a thru-hike and asked for others opinions. Well that is exactly what you got, what you asked for. Now obviously you don't like the opinions you received, but keep a few things in mind: 1) You asked for the opinions, 2) Opinions are just that, 3)If you don't like what you have heard, dismiss it. There really isn't any sense in telling everyone to **** off. I can assure you, that isn't the way to win hearts and minds here, or anywhere else for that matter.
Having said that, you can lump me in with everyone else, and get all bent out of shape about what has been said in this thread too. It seems to me, you know what the "right" answer is, you just don't want to hear it, and you want someone to justify you putting away your responsibility to your wife and doing what you already know is a bad damn idea. Hiking the trail is about getting out and enjoying nature and the trail, it is gonna be really hard to do with that conscious riding your ass for 2175 miles.......and if you do complete a 2175 mile thru-hike, then what???? It's the AT brother, it will be there long after you and I are both dead and gone. And if that ain't the answer you seek, leave the wife, and go hike the trail!!!!!
theycallmej
07-18-2011, 00:15
Agree. Call Oprah.
So helpful. The casual whiteblaze prick. Next in line, say your one-liner.
theycallmej
07-18-2011, 00:23
I wouldn't know what it's like to be single-- I've been in the same relationship the last number of years of my life. So, when you tell me that I'm no longer as free as I once was, it really doesn't read much to me. I'd really also suggest reading your first few lines that we'd "approach life and it's challenges and triumphs as a team." There are a lot of challenges and triumphs we've faced together but while her goals are being accomplished, mine aren't even being allowed room to breath. We don't make choices together-- where she could have stayed in the area and I could have lived nearer to my friends and had a good life, she chose to move far enough away that I won't be able to hang out with any of my close friends but once a month, if I'm lucky, all because she wants a top grad. school. Someone said that it's so much worse being deployed for 15 months but I'm not going into the army, it's irrelevant. I want to keep my friendships and it's difficult to do it when my wife is leading all of my choices-- it's a very important thing to have actual time with friends. Tell me, how many of you have kept perfect friendships without contact and being person-to-person. It's not the same as phone conversations every now and then-- you soon forget about each other. I know, I moved already, I don't want to do that **** again.
That's all a likely story that someone else would choose her, if that were the case, more power to her for finding someone that is on par with her. God knows I'm not going for "lofty goals" right now like college because I simply don't know what I'd choose. I have so many things I would love doing but nothing I can pin down as fascinating-- trail time would help me nail that in finding my interests rather than spending my time on mindless activities that I'm doing to avoid this situation in the first place.
The bottom line is that once you became married, you entered into an agreement whereby you would approach life and it's challenges and triumphs as a team. You would mutually respect one another's hopes and dreams, and you would make decisions regarding them mutually. If your wife goes into a psychological "funk" everytime you bring up hiking the AT, then it is obvious she does not want you to do that at this point in your marriage. Your wife has hopes and dreams of going to school and bettering herself, and quit frankely it appears that maybe she wants you to persue loftier goals also. The fact that friends are very important makes your decision to move away from them hard. However if you choose to stay with your buddy, then don't be surprised if your marriage unravels completely soon afterward. Your wife may say she won't mind your doing that, but believe me I bet she most certainly will. And then someone may wind up choosing her, and her them, if you know what I mean. You are young and married. As hard as it is to accept, unless your wife is willing to let you go and do what you want, you now are not as free as being single as you once were. You need to make some tough decisions that only you can really make. Good Luck and try not to get pissed at the other's here offering advice, condescending or otherwise. It might not be what you want to hear or like, but there is much wisdom in what responses have been said.
paistes5
07-18-2011, 00:26
I like this site overall with the information it provides, however I have noticed that people here do like to argue a bit more than other boards. Debating Earl Shaffer's legitimacy? Seriously? Doubting a kid got his gear stolen? Really?
However, I do kind of side with the majority when it comes to relationship advice on a hiking board. I'm not sure there's a place for it. If you wanna hike, hike.
theycallmej
07-18-2011, 00:31
In my opinion, the people who defer their dreams are the ones you see at dead-end jobs, not able to make the leap they hold important in their heart and thus not able to make the ones everyone else sets up for them simply because their heart is still set on what everyone else wants to call "unattainable." Here's the thing, those people are bitter. I don't want to be bitter-- I want to breath life into my dreams and in turn, breath life into other's dreams. I can't get any breath when I'm smothered by what my wife wants and what every one else expects from me. To say I have to go to counseling, they would merely say that the decisions together would be best-- and if she gets her way, I'm giving up everything, again, for her sake. That's the "together" decision, it's the fundamental, traditional, marital, go-to-church-and-love-christ way and it's not always the right way. Sometimes people have different viewpoints, they are at different points in life, they talk through their decisions and things don't always work out. Here's the thing, say it's about compromise but I've done my fair share. It's not something that I can hold off for two years and then hike because my wife will then be wanting to have children. If it's not one thing from her, it's another. It will never stop, there will always be endless reasons not to hike.
My wife doesn't like to exercise-- she enjoys sitting at home and watching television and movies with me and that's it. She doesn't go for walks because she has trouble with her sciatic nerve and currently works at a job where she has to stand a lot. She isn't in the best shape right now because of it and she really doesn't want to do anything. She tries keeping me home from going for runs (usually about 8 mile runs, beautiful, long runs that I enjoy) and I wish she could see how nice and relaxing exercise can be. I don't want to be like her, in bad health, like this. I wouldn't be able to take a trip away, either, because she'd be sad that we aren't spending every night together or being away for more than a day. It's that she wants to be around me that much for company.
You asked and I gave you the best repsectful non-condescending advice I could offer. I was quite sincere in suggesting you go to marriage counseling- that may not be what you wanted to hear, but I think it is quite valid advice. The only option that makes any sense (if you wish to be married) is to follow your wife to grad school- which is pretty much what everyone said- some in a rude, inappropriate, and condescending manner which I disapprove.
As for deferring your dreams- that is very often required in life. As you are only 20, I think it is fair to say you have another 40-50 years to hike the AT. Waiting 2 years so your wife can get a graduate degree which will benefit you both for the rest of your lives seems a very small sacrifice.
I know you are in a difficult emotional spot, but leaving your wife to go walkabout for 6 months is very likely to put you in a much more difficult one.
Perhaps you can find some shorter term adventures to temporarily slake your wanderlust? Perhaps you can find something your wife likes to do? Bike touring is one option, as is section hiking various NS trails. Being young is not a crime, but it is wise to consider that it gives one a limited perspective.
theycallmej
07-18-2011, 00:41
I've said as above, the ideas of being a "stay-at-home" dad aren't far off because my wife wants to try to start having a kid after her first year of grad. school. Narrows the timeframe, no? She will be making a good deal of money, she'll finish long before me because she is older and she is going to do her damndest to get her way to have a kid. It chokes the air quickly.
Getting a trade, going to college, I'm not going to lie but it sounds really good. However, any of that implies loans I will have to pay off and time-- time is not on my side right now when it comes to my wife because she will continue making more and more reasons why I can't go and they'll become a little tougher to fight. It's tough now but with a kid involved, I'd be in serious trouble and I wouldn't abandon a relationship with a kid involved-- I would HAVE to make that work because children are a lot more important than just me. Being a father changes a lot, that's true and it would cause me to put off my goal. Being bitter, as I said.
Beyond that, I don't know what I want to get into college for-- after I finish the trail, I feel I'll have had some time and room to think of that but I lack the room right now because I'm delaying my pain with mindless activities-- that's the only way I feel okay most of the time. I'm delaying dealing with this situation because I feel much of the time I have absolutely no control. I'd enjoy getting a major in biology, getting into family medicine, becoming a physical therapist-- all endeavors I would seriously enjoy but I don't feel that I'd pay off the loans quickly enough or get through school fast enough that my wife wouldn't come up with a more "final" reason for me to not go.
The vast majority of people on here are extremely helpful. I've had times where my thread was hijacked or someone says something more to be a jerk than helpful, so I understand. But those times are few and far between and people are human. J, most people responded to your post in the correct manner. I would give you the same advice, move with your wife embrace that adventure right now. If you dont like your wife, divorce her... its best for you both in the long run. Seems like everyone lined up and gave u the same advice, the advice you were hoping you didnt get. Well the trail is great and all, but its always going to be there man. And your talking about being a stay at home dad, come on man your 20 years old, be self dependent, go to school or get educated in a trade, this way you always have something to fall back on. But like several have mentioned, this is a hiking forum. There are real people are and mostly very good people, but speaking as a whole their expertise is hiking, not relationships. They dont know all the details that would go into making the correct decision. You didnt list all the details that would be necessary to make a correct decision. This is like going to eharmony and asking what you need to mount washington the best, the results could be deadly bro. Good luck with whatever you do.
SassyWindsor
07-18-2011, 00:44
Trail Journals, found on sites like trailjournals.com, tend to give out a lot of useful info and you've got a better chance they are actually hiking or have hiked. Trolls and just lonely people fill the www and participate in forums like WB just to have something to do. I would guess that 10% of the members on WB do the majority of posting and it makes you wonder how much hiking is being done when these posters hardly miss a day posting here. Take any information you read with a grain of salt, but it's up to you to decide what info is good and what is bad. Take no crap.
paistes5
07-18-2011, 00:45
J, a friendly piece of advice. Step away from the keyboard.
theycallmej
07-18-2011, 00:55
J, a friendly piece of advice. Step away from the keyboard.
Prick line number 2... keep 'em coming.
Toolshed
07-18-2011, 00:58
Delete my account, you know it's true. I doubt most of you actually hike.
Goodbye... 'kay????
Whiskyjo
07-18-2011, 01:02
If I read you your Wife doesn't want you to go yet, Reason?? I see you are twenty years old and it might be that now days it take two jobs to make ends meet anymore. Im not trying to be mean here but if my Father had cancer I would postpone my trip for better days. I understand your need for the trail because after a taste of it back in the 70s I've wanted to do it. Now after 39 years I have lost both Mom and Dad, Both my Wife and I are going to retire after working most our lives to raise our two kids and helping them to pay for college. So far my Wife and I have done one and two week vacations on the trail for years just to get our fix. So I'd say take your time because you have lots of it on your side. The trail will be there waiting.
Jim Adams
07-18-2011, 01:17
Most of the people on here have given you good advice about your situation. They haven't been rude, just realistic and attempting to give you guidence....you just won't follow the advice....asking for advice and guidence and then refusing to heed any of it IS a sign of immaturity!
geek
People on a hiking forum told you that major life decisions were yours alone to make.
Furthermore, the A.T. is unlikely to help you make them and they will be waiting for you at the other terminous.
You're wrestling with the same feelings in your marriage as most other couples do. In order for a marriage to be healthy there must be compromise and common goals. It's obvious that you both have very different goals, either you can compromise and come to some common ground or you can't. Only you know that, but what I can tell you is that it's not often an easy and quick fix. Once things get off track, which it sounds like they have been, it can take years to get it back. Unfortunately, it sounds like you've already grown to resent her and you need to decide if you even want to fix it.
It sounds to me like you've already made up your mind that the trail will solve all your problems. Just realize that if you choose that route you may very well be walking away from everything youve worked for up to this point, make sure it's really worth it.
Hi J! Sorry you are in a tough spot... this too shall pass. Of course that doesn't help you make any decisions now... Sorry you don't seem to be getting what you want/need from this forum. You are indeed at a crossroads. This is but one of a neverending parade, so gird your loins.
Alright, I want to help so here's my 2 cents. So far, it looks like the people who are giving you advice are falling into 2 camps: A) Stay with wife, hike later and B) Leave wife, hike now. Lots of well-worded and well-intentioned support for A, and the few people who are going for B have been pretty succinct and somewhat dismissive. Here's my disclaimer: I'm certainly no sage when it comes to marital bliss, especially compared to some good folks on here who are far more experienced and have been happily married for decades, and under no circumstances am i to be held responsible for any of the drivel i am about to dispense. But i do know something about being miserable, sir, and as someone already mentioned your words do carry the distinctive tones of deep resentment. I don't think that is a good foundation for a marriage and for raising healthy well-adjusted children. All talk of the sanctity of marriage and lifelong commitment and covenants with Christ and so forth aside, there are other things to consider.
Firstly, there is no way in hell that i would keep my husband from hiking the AT, or wearing a dress, or painting his toenails or walking on the fracking moon, for that matter. I want him to grow as a person and do what makes him happy, so that he is the best person he can be, independent of his relationship with me... which in turn makes him a better husband. I am not the center of the universe, and he needs other outlets. There have been compromises, yes, but we worked hard to get where we are today, and it's taken a lot of communication and candor, and working towards the same goal together without sabotaging each other's efforts (as the poster above me alluded). He's with me because he chooses to, not because i made him feel guilty or forced him into it. (ha ha... like i could "force" that guy to do anything...) I'm a pretty lucky lady, but if my man woke up tomorrow and started to emotionally blackmail me out of achieving my personal/career goals and staying in touch with friends and family and my dad who is gravely ill, you can bet your Myadestes palmeri that i'd cart all of his crap to the curb and tell him to beat it. (and he knows it... word to the wise, ladies.)
Second, the decision to have kids while either of you is in school is probably a bad one, but i applaud your endeavor to be a stay-at-home-dad. Kids are a lot of work, and school is a lot of work (especially grad school!). Putting those two things together is kinda bad even under the best of circumstances since you have to divide your attention between them and your wife, and everything suffers as a result. It's hard enough to even maintain a GOOD relationship while one of you is in grad school, with no kids... or working a regular job, with kids. Kids are great... like ripping your heart out and watching it walk around... but they (or rather, the emotions and life changes they provoke) have a way of bringing all the unresolved or previously immaterial issues in your relationship to an ugly head.
Thirdly, i think the supporters of camp A have all given really solid advice too. You obviously love your wife very much or you would not be having this conflict. Relationships continue to evolve and change as the people do, but be prepared: Grad school is a crucible. You may not recognize what is wrought in your wife when she emerges... for better or for worse, it's hard to say. Your relationship will be tested, in any case. By the same token, the AT may change you, and your wife may not recognize (or like) the bony, bearded, smelly mountain man that emerges from the wilderness, full of stories about trail life and the dozens of blood brothers and sisters you made.
Finally, there is an option C). Hiking the AT and staying with your wife need not be mutually exclusive! First things first: as the poster above me said, you've GOT to get rid of that resentment, get to the root of it and eradicate it, talk it out, whatever it takes. Ask yourself why you feel this way... not just proximate causes (e.g. "i feel resentment because my supervisor forced me to do this"), but ultimate causes (e.g. "i feel resentment because i hate myself for not saying no"). Second, based on what you've told us she doesn't seem to understand how important this is to you. So try to make her understand! Include her in the pre-hike planning! Show her some trail journals! She likes movies, so sit her down and watch the Nat. Geo. documentary about the AT with her! Let her see how excited you are about it! That said, some people just won't ever get it, and no amount of you talking will change how they feel. So, once you've done all you can do to ease her mind, make your plans and get out there and start walking, bro! Do you think she would actually leave you for hiking the AT? If so, is that the kind of person with whom you would want to raise children? And yes, the AT will still be there when your kids are grown and you are retired, and you can still have a great hike when you're 60. It's worth the wait.
So that's just my opinion, thanks for reading, sorry if i offended anyone, or if i was way off the mark, or if it sounded like i said mean things, or if it was way too long. Once again, your mileage may vary, by no means are my results typical, and in no case is my advice meant to be followed because i don't know you, or your lovely wife, or the details and specific background of your situation, blah blah blah. i should have been a lawyer, lol.
Also, this site is not a piece of ****. I promise.
Good luck to you, and let us know what you decide. If you do hike the AT... see you out there!
stranger
07-18-2011, 04:11
Wow...alot of interesting stuff going on here.
All I would add is you are 20 years old, and talking about marriage problems (ya think?). You also talked about being 'forced into it' by your wife. Remarkably, you continue to mention that having children with this woman is a likely option. Some strong self-reflection might be worthwhile.
The reason why you can't thru-hike is because of the decisions that you made in your life, nothing else. If there is a problem, it's likely to be in the mirror. You seem to blame everyone but yourself, a victim perhaps. You are correct, you will get little sympathy here.
Please do not continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results, because it's very, very unlikely to happen. And on whiteblaze, it won't happen.
Here is the good news...you are 20, there is plenty of time to sort things out in your life. I would get onto doing that, the trail will be here in 2-3 years.
Furthermore, the A.T. is unlikely to help you make them and they will be waiting for you at the other terminous.
Dang, I was going to say that....
Marriage is an adventure much more interesting than walking up and down mountains for a few months. It's a "thru hike" with a roughly 50% completion rate.
Just like hiking the AT, lots of people get off the "Marriage Trail" for different reasons.
bloodmountainman
07-18-2011, 06:10
Thanks J.......I thought my life sux until I read all of this! I'm 53 and have wanted to hike the trail since I was a teenager. Married young and have 4 adult children now. Because of the recent Depression, retirement is out. I'll work until I die. I still hike the Trail.....just not all of it. It's really not that dramatic if you never do the whole thing at one time.
bloodmountainman
07-18-2011, 06:22
When the marriage vows are taken and that first child is born.......well, it ain't all about you.
k2basecamp
07-18-2011, 06:23
The best thing for you to do is to have your wife read all of these posts you have written. I am sure she has an equal amount of frustration with you. Then get to couples counselling sooner rather than later.
Lone Wolf
07-18-2011, 06:27
It seems that any time I try to get help or guidance from people on whiteblaze, I get shot down by jerks who couldn't care less about the sentiments of other people. I'm sure I'm not the only one to experience this, so why the **** does everyone have the need to be so condescending.
Delete my account, you know it's true. I doubt most of you actually hike.dude. seriously? grow up and go post on Ann Lander's website or go on Dr. Phil's show. quit your sniveling
It seems that any time I try to get help or guidance from people on whiteblaze, I get shot down by jerks who couldn't care less about the sentiments of other people. I'm sure I'm not the only one to experience this, so why the **** does everyone have the need to be so condescending.
Delete my account, you know it's true. I doubt most of you actually hike.
I'm in total agreement with you on that. It seems some people want to take everything out of context instead of just helping the OP with the idea or question of the original post. But most people are here to help and provide constructive advice.
bigmac_in
07-18-2011, 06:39
dude. seriously? grow up and go post on Ann Lander's website or go on Dr. Phil's show. quit your sniveling
My sentiments exactly. Your account doesn't have to be deleted to quit reading, posting, or even visiting this site. Just stop. Please.
chiefiepoo
07-18-2011, 06:40
Mr /Ms moderator. Calls us a bunch of p****s, says we are s**t, please delete his acccount as requested and block him here.
chiefiepoo
07-18-2011, 06:40
Mr /Ms moderator. Calls us a bunch of p****s, says we are s**t, please delete his acccount as requested and block him here.
chiefiepoo
07-18-2011, 06:41
Mr /Ms moderator. Calls us a bunch of p****s, says we are s**t, please delete his acccount as requested and block him here.
bloodmountainman
07-18-2011, 06:47
dude. seriously? grow up and go post on Ann Lander's website or go on Dr. Phil's show. quit your sniveling If you want some real results.....Montel Williams is the man!
mister krabs
07-18-2011, 07:09
J-
I am shocked, SHOCKED!
I can't believe it took you a whole year of reading this site to come to the conclusion that you have finally come to.
if you want your account deleted, pay to become a member and edit all your posts to minimum meaningless entries, if you want to cry for attention and wallow in self pity continue posting as you have been
Relationship advice: successful marriage involves quid pro quo. Compromise. Sacrifice. Negotiation.
Thru-hiking advice: Walking is the easy part. Arranging the time and money to walk for six months is the hard part.
WhiteBlaze advice: Most of the many thousands of members of WB don't post at all. Most of them joined in a fit of enthusiasm, which then wore off, and they haven't been back since. It's not hard not to be part of WB. Millions of people never come here at all.
Moderator advice: When a thread is closed because it provokes inappropriate posting by lots of people, that means that the subject is DONE. Reopening the discussion on another thread is one of the surest ways to become poster non grata to WB management, all of whom, I must point out, are doing this for free, and are squeezing it in between work and family and hiking.