Not a "enter dislike here" Thread

[Mountain Hippie]

This is a humorous look at some of the topics that have lead to disagreements on Whiteblaze. Another title might be "What I have learned from Whiteblaze today". Judging from previous posts neither a gun nor sword is necessary for protection on the AT. As past poll results and posts have proven, the proper use or should I say misuse of certain items or techniques could do as much damage and send even the manliest man scurrying for cover. Below are a few of these techniques and items that have been discussed on the forum and some creative ways that they may be used for defense. Some offensive uses are also noted. I did add my own twist in certain places and "slightly" embellished the facts. You will also see thoughts and issues from other posts entwined into the mix.


(DISCLAIMER: Beware that some of the items and methods could prove fatal if used properly. The following advise is a poor attempt at humor and should only be used by those that have no sense of humor. If confronted I will deny having ever having made the post, a tactic that has proven to be effective again and again in the cyberhiking world. The mention of trail legend in the following posts depicts absolutely no one. If you somehow see any truth to the statements below, then perhaps we should visit the psychiatrist together.)

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Fake cell phone- That's right, a fake one can be as effective as a real one. There may not be a more ecologically friendly way to clear those pesky people from your favorite shelter or scenic view. The mere site of a cell phone will force 25% of the people vacate the premises. Take the phone and begin taking into it loudly with every other sentence being"Hello, Can you hear me" and watch the crowd dissipate. This may be all you need to do, but if there is anyone left behind simply hand them the cell phone. They will quickly high tail it away when they realize you are carrying on a conversation using an inoperative phone. If you are one of those that carries a real cell phone, it can also be used in a similar manner. Just dial one of the 800 hot chick lines before handing the phone over. Another effective measure is to set the ringer volume all the way up and use one of the custom ringers such Ice Tea's "Yo, picsup da fone pimp".


Cigarettes- Keep a pack in your pocket at all times. For those of you that like to travel Ultra-light, carry only 3 or 4 in the pack. You can also strip the pack of cellophane and remove some of the cardboard. In most cases you only have to put a cigarette in you mouth to get results. However there may be a few instances that you have to light up in order to get a full evacuation of the area. If you should find yourself in the position that you must light the cigarette remember that we have learned from a certain politician that you are not really smoking as long as you don't inhale. Even the most hardened criminal will run in fear when faced with the possibility of getting cancer from second hand smoke in a mere 20 to 30 years.


Fake pot- Yep it is possible to fool others into thinking that you are lighting up a joint of the wacky weed. Before you leave home simply roll a couple joints using your favorite tea as a filler. The smell when lit will fool any non-smoker and cause their immediate withdrawal. If there are any legitimate smokers left behind you can usually dislodge them by telling them there is a place nearby that hands out all you can eat munchies for free. By the time they realize you lied they will be to tired to return and will camp elsewhere for the night. If all else fails you may resort to some of the other measures listed here to expedite their departure.

Cotton clothing- It is a well know fact that cotton clothing has been know to cause immediate death and massive destruction. You may have read some of the reports in the paper or saw on the news about the stockpiles of CCMD (Cotton Clothing of Mass Destruction) that were found in Iraq recently. While the use of cotton should not be taken lightly, I believe it can be used responsibly. Slip on a cotton shirt at the right moment and watch your adversaries drop to their knees. In dire cases you may need to use your cell phone or cigarette as a psychological reinforcement to show that you are not afraid to die and that you will use the cotton if necessary. Please remember to be careful, act responsibly and assume your cotton is loaded at all times. Special note to Ultra-lighters: 1/2 ounce of cotton can be effective within a 100 foot radius. Let's face it, that's allot of bang for the ounce. Also see special CCS statement below.


7000 C.I. Backpack- You must admit, there is nothing quite as intimidating as a 120 lb person carrying what appears to be a 200 lb pack. While there are those that will stage an "online" attack against such a person, very few will approach this same individual on the trail. If by chance you are approached on the trail about the size of your pack tell them that you realize that your pack may seem to be an awkward size for an over nighter but the Sherpas will be there shortly with the remainder of your gear. For added effect hang a cotton garment on the outside and fire up a smoke.


Shirt pocket pack- While this will not keep the people from approaching you like the n 7000 c.i. pack will, it can be just as effective. Keep an altoids or similar size container in your shirt pocket. When asked about your gear, whip out the tin and reply "Everything is in here except my cell phone and cigarettes which are in my back pocket". For anyone that remains behind simply lift your pant leg and show them your CCS (Concealed Cotton Sock).Note: be sure you have the proper CCS permits and maintain contol of your cotton at all times. Remember that cotton doesn't kill people, people kill people.


Hiking sticks/poles- There seems to be a disagreement on how and whether these should be used. Some people don't use them thus portraying the image of being a mans man that no one should mess with. Others use them and portray the image that they are smarter than the mans man because they are using the tools available to them to reduce the wear and tear on their body. Regardless of which belief you subscribe to, you may find that a hiking pole/stick has some value in a defensive or offensive situation. For example hang a cotton sock on it and keep an attacking person or animal at bay. Or fo a deterrent when others approach you could thrust the pole/stick into the air and loudly exclaim "Welcome ye musketeers to my humble kingdom". If you are carrying two poles you may choose to hold them up to your mouth letting each one extend down toward the ground while exclaiming "I am the walrus, goo goo ca choo". If you find yourself in a situation where you are facing someone that is carrying a pole/stick and you are unarmed do the following. Raise your arms and eyes to the heavens and exclaim using your best Charlton Hesston imitation voice "O'lord grant ye faithful servant that thou will turn yon staff into a viper that thee might slay those that hike against thou". You may want to add some other phases such as "deliver me from the evil pharoah" or "Cast down thy leki's). This should end any conflict and/or clear the area. However, you may want to lay low for a couple of days and under no circumstances should you approach anyone wearing white clothing or a uniform.


There is also a less lethal method that can be used to send your adversaries running in anguish. This is great for the ultra-lighters that may not be carrying any of the afore mentioned items. I call it (TLHSAE) the Trail Legend Hero Story Aversion Exercise. This is perhaps one of the least used and hardest to master techniques. It requires a little more preparation in order to be effective. You will have to converse with your adversary long enough to discovery who his trail legend hero of choice is. As I have learned on this site for every good trail legend hero there is an equal but opposite evil trail legend hero. You can use the information that you have learned on this forum to argue that your Hero is bigger than their Hero. A few well placed shots is normally enough to repel most of the adversaries that you will run across on the AT. However if you find yourself going head to head with an individual that has also trained on this site you may have to take other measures. You could spice up your remarks a bit. Perhaps point out how your trail legend pioneered the way for future hikers by being the first cell phone using, cigarette smoking, pot toking, gun carrying, knife baring, sword swallowing, blue blazing, hitch hiking, dog accompanied, barefooted person to do the entire AT from Florida to Canada on a mountain bike equipped with a gas powered helper motor while carrying a 150 lb pack and wearing only the finest cotton clothing and gear available from Walmart. You may also point out a few of the things that he discovered while doing his thru. Like building rock commodes in small streams so that they can be used like a bidet or how the shelters make great outhouses as long as you get there first and are planning to sleep in your tent. Don't forget to mention some of his philosophies such as LNT(leave No Treats) or HYOH (Hike Your Own hike but only when you are not Hiking with me). You could also explain his belief that the trail was founded to provide a foot path so that the critters could travel from wilderness to wilderness without harassing the inhabitants of nearby towns and cities.
You may want to touch on some of his future plans for the trail. Like his plan to provide bus tours of the AT. The buses would travel to each trailhead and road crossing allowing the riders to take pictures to validate their 2000 mile thru statis. Tell them how your trail legend also has plans to help those that still choose to do the trail the hard way by actually hiking it. He plans to install strip malls at every major road crossing and to provide vending machines at the shelters along the way. And lastly, tell them that your hero describes a thru hiker as anyone that has hiked thru the ATC office in Harpers Ferry and that is all that is required to qualify as an AT thru hiker. At this point your adversary should have already walked away, but if he hasn't light up a cigarette, hand him the cell phone and lock and load your cotton. DISCLAIMER: Be warned this technique is not for the faint of heart and may bring the wrath of the online community upon your return.

That's it for today folks. Be sure to tune in next week when we explain how you can cyberhike your way to good health and safety on the trail. We will also look at the top ten greatest cyberhikes in the world and interview the finalists in the Hike Your Own Hike My Way contest. We will also have a report from our resident animal expert, Iam D. Shepherd on how dog poop can be used to repel both dog hater's and dog lovers. Until next week "Good night and good hike"
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Okay guys that is all the nonsense I have time for today. I am sorry that my abilities to spell and write are so poor. For this I offer my apologies. I am sure that some of you can think of other humorous items, methods or philosophies to add to this post. I am also sure there will be someone that will take offense to the above statements. To those few I can offer no apology. This is posted in the Humor forum. If you can not let humor be humor then go ahead and rip me a new one. Just keep in mind that I do possess one of the largest stockpiles of cotton clothing in the free world and I am not afraid to use it. :bse

[One Leg]

This is, by far, the most hilarious post I've read on WB to date. As much time as it took me to read it, I can't help but to wonder how long it took for you to compose it.

[Just Jeff]

You left out snoring!

If you want to vacate the premises in the most obnoxious manner possible, wait until everyone has bedded down, then start snoring REALLY loud. You might have to practice at home until you can do this in your sleep.

It usually works on the first try, but if not, just wait a day or two and the word will get around. When you walk into the shelter, the tents will start coming out in no time!

[MOWGLI]

7000 C.I. Backpack- You must admit, there is nothing quite as intimidating as a 120 lb person carrying what appears to be a 200 lb pack. While there are those that will stage an "online" attack against such a person, very few will approach this same individual on the trail. If by chance you are approached on the trail about the size of your pack tell them that you realize that your pack may seem to be an awkward size for an over nighter but the Sherpas will be there shortly with the remainder of your gear. For added effect hang a cotton garment on the outside and fire up a smoke.




MH, actually you totally missed the point of the 7000 CI pack. I use one and carry around my big brother inside of it. He's bigger and tougher than me. He also carries a gun. If anyone EVER gives me a hard time, my brother will suddenly merge from my pack with his gun drawn. Won't my attackers be surprised!

[Just Jeff]

MH, actually you totally missed the point of the 7000 CI pack. I use one and carry around my big brother inside of it. He's bigger and tougher than me. He also carries a gun. If anyone EVER gives me a hard time, my brother will suddenly merge from my pack with his gun drawn. Won't my attackers be surprised!
Like in Mad Max?! You're cooler than I thought!

[Kerosene]

Some folks are just gifted at distilling all the BS into what's really important. :banana

[shades of blue]

mowgli
Have you seen the suburban comercials where there's a monkey in the back of the trunk of a car. A thief breaks into the car and hotwires it. The monkey hears the alarm, comes out through the back seat and takes a crowbar to the thief. He then drives to the nearest bridge and throws the thief into the river....maybe a monkey would be better than your big brother.

[TDale]

Standing :clap :clap :clap :clap :clap :clap

[MOWGLI]

mowgli
....maybe a monkey would be better than your big brother.

You makin' fun of my big brother?

[hikerjohnd]

You makin' fun of my big brother?
I think shades IS making fun of your brother - can you send photo's of the aftermath? :D

[minnesotasmith]

This technique for driving other hikers away is likely to be particularly useful for attractive female hikers under the age of 40, but anyone with a tent can use this one. Just carry the largest possible plastic dog food bowl you can find that is still halfway lightweight, and place it just outside your tent. For increased effectiveness, just add a leash leading into the tent and emboss the bowl with a dog name that evokes violence and/or feminism -- something like "Killer", "Ballripper", or "Mankiller" would be ideal. Trust me, when a lone, lonely male hiker comes walking down the trail, and sees a monstrous dog bowl with "D*ckbiter" on it just outside a tent, with a heavy-duty leash leading into the tent, it won't much matter how attractive or scantily clad the young woman outside the tent cooking a meal might be, he'll most likely just mosey on down the trail a couple miles at least...

Related technique... There is an old joke about a traveling woman salesman, who was asked how she handled unwanted male attention when traveling for her job. She said it was no problem, that she just smiled her sweetest smile, and asked, "Are you saved?". :eek: :( :p

No doubt something similiar could be accomplished with a large-print "Jesus saves" T-shirt, or the like. Of course, such a visible-to-all comers technique leaves open the possibility that a real holy-roller may decide to talk to the wearer of such a T-shirt nonstop for an hour or three, or even hike with such a kindred spirit from here on...:datz

[Doctari]

That is so WRONG!



I was ROTFLMAO.


Another "hint": carry a set of bagpipes. Regularly remind all that you MUST practice at least 3 hours a night "to keep your chops up". Wearing a kilt optional, but would make this plan more believable :p

[smokymtnsteve]

teasing me with fake pot, ;)

that is simply wrong dude :D

[minnesotasmith]

Everyone here has seen enough TV (or lived in a bad enough neighborhood/gotten in enough trouble) to be familiar with how cops and such will have "POLICE" or "FBI" on the backs of jackets, right? So, just have "DEA" on a shirt or jacket in season that is the font size and type to look official, and no pothead will stay in a shelter or campsite one minute after he sees your shirt...:D

[Tractor]

Bless You!!!

My timing is a little off though..... I have stitches in my mouth and I think I loosened that all up just now....and my pain pills are at home...but damn that made my day anyway...
Now, perhaps for the only time, I too shall add these thingys to a post:clap :clap :clap

[smokymtnsteve]

Everyone here has seen enough TV (or lived in a bad enough neighborhood/gotten in enough trouble) to be familiar with how cops and such will have "POLICE" or "FBI" on the backs of jackets, right? So, just have "DEA" on a shirt or jacket in season that is the font size and type to look official, and no pothead will stay in a shelter or campsite one minute after he sees your shirt...:D

While I find that humorus MS, Labeling Medical MJ users as "POTHEADS" is derogatory, Laws against MJ use esp. medical use are simply Immoral and barbaric. why would someone even want to be a terrorist like that?

we certainly have other more pressing needs in our society than using our law enforcement funds to terrorize MJ users...esp medical MJ users.

[shades of blue]

Mowgli...
Am I making fun of your big brother?.....ummmm....I don't know....exactly how big is he?

[minnesotasmith]

"Labeling... MJ users as "POTHEADS" is derogatory"

Uh, they have been known to call themselves by that term. There is a WB member with that as a cybername, for example. IMO, it's kind of similiar to how blacks often call each other by the "N" word; their use of it somewhat removes the justification of action against others for using the same word. They have thereby established it as a legitimate word in the language, even if they didn't coin it.

Now, as far as "medical" use goes, I would love to find out if a study has ever been done on how much the inclination to use pot for ostensible medical purposes drops when the THC has been removed before handing pot out to "medical" users. I remember P.J. O'Rourke reporting on what he saw at a center in CA that dispensed pot to people for ostensibly medical reasons; it was practically all obvious counterculture holdovers, people with long hair, poor personal hygiene, and "F' Bush" or "Save the whales" T-shirts and the like -- basically, the same sort of people normally busted with drugs bought for fun.

I would agree that the drug asset forfeiture laws have created far more problems than they solve, so should be immediately ended.

I would still allow societal discrimination against drugusers. For example, I'd allow any employer to require mass-spectrometer analysis of hair (more accurate method, and tells what you've done over the last 6 months+), and let them reject anyone with drug traces that finds. Too, if someone wants to cash a welfare check, they can show a nearly-impossible-to-counterfeit ID card showing they have passed the above test protocol during the past 2 months. Lastly, anyone who supplied minors with a drug (free or not) should get something resembling Saudi Arabian justice for thieves.

[minnesotasmith]

Remember the Southern version of "Survivor", where you have to drive a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that say "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to take your guns" all over the rural South? Perhaps a T-shirt with "Whales taste like chicken", "20 year employment award -- Clearcutting Timber Company", "Lifetime NRA Member", or "Project Exodus Outreach" would work the same way on the more liberal/environmentally-minded hikers?

[smokymtnsteve]

"Labeling... MJ users as "POTHEADS" is derogatory"

Uh, they have been known to call themselves by that term. There is a WB member with that as a cybername, for example. IMO, it's kind of similiar to how blacks often call each other by the "N" word; their use of it somewhat removes the justification of action against others for using the same word. They have thereby established it as a legitimate word in the language, even if they didn't coin it.

Now, as far as "medical" use goes, I would love to find out if a study has ever been done on how much the inclination to use pot for ostensible medical purposes drops when the THC has been removed before handing pot out to "medical" users. I remember P.J. O'Rourke reporting on what he saw at a center in CA that dispensed pot to people for ostensibly medical reasons; it was practically all obvious counterculture holdovers, people with long hair, poor personal hygiene, and "F' Bush" or "Save the whales" T-shirts and the like -- basically, the same sort of people normally busted with drugs bought for fun.

I would agree that the drug asset forfeiture laws have created far more problems than they solve, so should be immediately ended.

I would still allow societal discrimination against drugusers. For example, I'd allow any employer to require mass-spectrometer analysis of hair (more accurate method, and tells what you've done over the last 6 months+), and let them reject anyone with drug traces that finds. Too, if someone wants to cash a welfare check, they can show a nearly-impossible-to-counterfeit ID card showing they have passed the above test protocol during the past 2 months. Lastly, anyone who supplied minors with a drug (free or not) should get something resembling Saudi Arabian justice for thieves.


Actually MS lots of studies have been done proving MJ use as an anti-emetic in cancer chemotherapy. do some research there are many studies , esp Dr. Don Abrams.

but even beyond the medical issues, if someone wants to use MJ for "recreation" so what, there are so many other pressing issues in our nation that need the attention of our legal resources.

I am very offended by law enforcement busting MJ users for nothing but having a plant, a naturally occuring substance.

and this same law enforcement not taking action to enforce reckless driving,
i.e.
people speeding down the road (certainly not behavior of a "pot head ;) )

Most people who smoke pot are otherwise decent, law-abiding, hard-working citizens.

The Great Jimmy Carter said something to this affect.

"the penalty for pocession of a substance, should not be more detrimental than the substance itself"

which is what our current "WAR on DRUGS" is...it is more detrimental than the substance itself...

my computer goddess is a smoker, also the adminstrator of a Health care computer system....and is the "go to" person for computer problems at this hospital...

why terrorize such a contributing member of our society?

[SGT Rock]

Remember humor thread y'all. Keep it funny :sun:

[smokymtnsteve]

Remember humor thread y'all. Keep it funny :sun:

your right there Rock and terror isn't funny,,,but very serious.

[The Old Fhart]

The two quickest ways to clear a shelter are to say: "Judge and prepare to be judged-Ayn Rand", or "Praise be to Abbey!" :D

[plodder]

But whales do taste like chicken.

[Mags]

But whales do taste like chicken.

I've always wondered..what do you compare chicken to? I mean saying "Chicken..tastes just like whale blubber" has an interesting ring to it. :D


Hmm.."Whale Blubber -the other white meat".

[smokymtnsteve]

chicken kinda tastes like rattlesnake :D

[SGT Rock]

Now how would a vegetarian know that :-?

[Alligator]

Now how would a vegetarian know that :-?
SMS was lost in the desert once.

[TDale]

Whale tastes like baby seal.

[smokymtnsteve]

Now how would a vegetarian know that :-?


I ain't always been a veggie-tarin!

[smokymtnsteve]

SMS was lost in the desert once.

yep and on that trip I drank some untreated h20 out of a desert waterhole and got a good dose of Heliobacter pylori...giardia is child's play next to H.pylori...

[Alligator]

yep and on that trip I drank some untreated h20 out of a desert waterhole and got a good dose of Heliobacter pylori...giardia is child's play next to H.pylori...Is that when you saw Abbey;) ?

[smokymtnsteve]

Is that when you saw Abbey;) ?


YOU KNOW THE DRILL! :banana

"I once sat on a mesa above the Rio Grande for three days and nights, trying to have a vision. I got hungry and saw God in the form of a beef pie."

THANKS BE TO ABBEY!

[Nightwalker]

I think shades IS making fun of your brother - can you send photo's of the aftermath? :D
I wouldn't bet against a chimp with a crowbar...

:D

[Nightwalker]

Another "hint": carry a set of bagpipes. Regularly remind all that you MUST practice at least 3 hours a night "to keep your chops up". Wearing a kilt optional, but would make this plan more believable :p
Heck, a first sergeant in a dress is bad enough. (eh, Rock?)

:)

[smokymtnsteve]

Heck, a first sergeant in a dress is bad enough. (eh, Rock?)

:)

My Legs are nicer (eh,Rock?)

[Mountain Hippie]

This is, by far, the most hilarious post I've read on WB to date. As much time as it took me to read it, I can't help but to wonder how long it took for you to compose it.
I am glad you found it to be funny. That was the sole purpose. I fear making it know how long it took me to compose may end with the men in white paying me a visit. Lets just say that the time was well spent if it can bring a little joy into someone else's life. :sun

[Nightwalker]

While I find that humorus MS, Labeling Medical MJ users as "POTHEADS" is derogatory, Laws against MJ use esp. medical use are simply Immoral and barbaric. why would someone even want to be a terrorist like that?

we certainly have other more pressing needs in our society than using our law enforcement funds to terrorize MJ users...esp medical MJ users.
But that doesn't change the fact that you're a pothead, Stevie-Boy.

I'm pretty glad that I've found something legal to help these headaches, but I'm with you in spirit, nevertheless. You're probably the longest survivor I've ever heard of, and you'd have already wasted away without the weed.

Seeya up the trail sometime if I ever get twisted around and go Northwest instead of Northeast.

:bse

[Mountain Hippie]

You left out snoring!

If you want to vacate the premises in the most obnoxious manner possible, wait until everyone has bedded down, then start snoring REALLY loud. You might have to practice at home until you can do this in your sleep.

It usually works on the first try, but if not, just wait a day or two and the word will get around. When you walk into the shelter, the tents will start coming out in no time!
Good idea! I have some thoughts on the use of snoring to clear your favorite hut or shelter. I propose that we develop a product that is the opposite of the Desnore stuff you see on T.V. A couple of sprays of the concoction would give you the ability to snore in decibel levels equivilent to a Nascar race. We could call it Snore more or some other such name. But you must also consider the posibility of piping in snores from the outside world on your cell phone. This way you could save your vocal cords for your Trail Hero speech. :banana

[smokymtnsteve]

I'm glad that U have found something to help your headaches.

and Yes I am one of the longest surviving people with AIDS in the world,

and you are correct without the MJ I would already be wasted away, and sick if not dead. but I take a licking and keep on kicking.

and thanks so much for your support and well wishs...

(and Frank...feel free to pray for this old atheist/agnostic...if there is a god...i think he would here a prayer like yours :sun

[Mountain Hippie]

MH, actually you totally missed the point of the 7000 CI pack. I use one and carry around my big brother inside of it. He's bigger and tougher than me. He also carries a gun. If anyone EVER gives me a hard time, my brother will suddenly merge from my pack with his gun drawn. Won't my attackers be surprised!
Grand idea but why stop there. Why not drive to the trail head, slip your car into the pack and begin your hike. At the first sign of danger unload your car and drive yourself to safety. Besides if I carried my brother in my pack he would want to eat, which would cause me to carry more food and I would loose my Utra-light status. I simply would not be able to cope with that. ;)

[Mountain Hippie]

Some folks are just gifted at distilling all the BS into what's really important. :banana
What can I possibly add to that? Perhaps I should point out that in my case it takes a disturbed mind to miss the points made by thousands of well thought out and intelligent posts. Intelligence has never be my strong point so I must stick with the BS. My motto: If you can't dazzle em' with brilliance, Baffle em' with BS. :jump

[Mountain Hippie]

This technique for driving other hikers away is likely to be particularly useful for attractive female hikers under the age of 40, but anyone with a tent can use this one. Just carry the largest possible plastic dog food bowl you can find that is still halfway lightweight, and place it just outside your tent. For increased effectiveness, just add a leash leading into the tent and emboss the bowl with a dog name that evokes violence and/or feminism -- something like "Killer", "Ballripper", or "Mankiller" would be ideal. Trust me, when a lone, lonely male hiker comes walking down the trail, and sees a monstrous dog bowl with "D*ckbiter" on it just outside a tent, with a heavy-duty leash leading into the tent, it won't much matter how attractive or scantily clad the young woman outside the tent cooking a meal might be, he'll most likely just mosey on down the trail a couple miles at least...

Related technique... There is an old joke about a traveling woman salesman, who was asked how she handled unwanted male attention when traveling for her job. She said it was no problem, that she just smiled her sweetest smile, and asked, "Are you saved?". :eek: :( :p

No doubt something similiar could be accomplished with a large-print "Jesus saves" T-shirt, or the like. Of course, such a visible-to-all comers technique leaves open the possibility that a real holy-roller may decide to talk to the wearer of such a T-shirt nonstop for an hour or three, or even hike with such a kindred spirit from here on...:datz

The dog bowl idea is a good one. I have some similar ideas that can be implemented with the use of dog poop. I also have found that certain growths of fungus can be passed off as dinosaur dung. This can provide hours of fun when dealing with newbys.
The Jesus saves shirt can be used to repel both sides. When approached by non-religious people the shirt will provide a defense with no futher action required. When approached by someone of the religious realm you simply need to introduce yourself as Jesus of Nazereth. If this is not enough, a placing of hands should cause their immediate withdrawal. :dance

[art to linda]

I am glad you found it to be funny. That was the sole purpose. I fear making it know how long it took me to compose may end with the men in white paying me a visit. Lets just say that the time was well spent if it can bring a little joy into someone else's life. :sun


Glad you took the time, was a good fun read, thanks !! If the men in white show up, give them a copey to read and while they are rolling on the floor laughing duck out the back. ;)

[Mountain Hippie]

That is so WRONG!



I was ROTFLMAO.


Another "hint": carry a set of bagpipes. Regularly remind all that you MUST practice at least 3 hours a night "to keep your chops up". Wearing a kilt optional, but would make this plan more believable :p

Man this post has so much potential. The kilt alone would have at least a dozen uses. I do not have the time to ponder the thought at the moment but I will try to get back to it later. :sun

[Mountain Hippie]

teasing me with fake pot, ;)

that is simply wrong dude :D

Hey I try to be fair. I seek to be repulsive to both sides. ;)

[Smile]

Your un-hippie like politically correct title....

Equal Opportunity Offender :)

[smokymtnsteve]

Hey I try to be fair. I seek to be repulsive to both sides. ;)

Fair is Fair :D

[Mountain Hippie]

Everyone here has seen enough TV (or lived in a bad enough neighborhood/gotten in enough trouble) to be familiar with how cops and such will have "POLICE" or "FBI" on the backs of jackets, right? So, just have "DEA" on a shirt or jacket in season that is the font size and type to look official, and no pothead will stay in a shelter or campsite one minute after he sees your shirt...:D

This idea can be used to expel members of both sides from a shelter. The DEA label on the jacket will evacuate the shelter of any partakers of the magic dragon. The remaining few can be coached into leaving by using a few well placed comments such as "Anyone here know how to use a gun?" "Do you have enough experience with a weapon to back me up if anything were to happen during the night?""One of you wouldn't happen to have a nuclear device you could spare would you?" Finish them off with " I am not really with the DEA, I am only posing as such so my cover won't be blown. My real name is Quasneb and I am from the planet Proteus. We are in need of volunteers to build trails on our planet and a ship will arrive to carry us to Proteus at midnight. I am going to get some sleep while the rest of you prepare for departure."
I guarantee the shelter will be empty before midnight. :D ( for anyone that does not know what proteus is look it up. I would not want to live on a planet called Proteus) :-?

[Dances with Mice]

I also have found that certain growths of fungus can be passed off as dinosaur dung. This can provide hours of fun when dealing with newbys.

When I was in high school and the Senior Patrol Leader of my Scout Troop...

There was the part about teaching the new Scouts about animal tracks. We'd go out with plaster of paris along a small stream looking for tracks. Somewhere along the way while nobody was looking I'd place a pile of chocolate covered raisins and a small pile of malted milk balls. We'd continue on further, cast a few tracks, then on the way back I'd stop for another lesson:

"You can also identify animals by their scat, that's another word for their droppings. This, for example, (pointing to the choc. cov. raisins) is probably 'possum scat. (pick some up) They eat mostly berries and their scat is soft and mushy inside (place some in mouth and chew). These (point to milk balls) are probably racoon droppings. They eat small animals like crayfish and frogs and their scat (place milk ball in mouth) is crunchy from the small animal bones (chew, letting everyone hear the crunch)."

To teach bear bag hanging - someone had to get to the campsite ahead of time with an old trashed sleeping bag, an old nylon bag, and a little rope. The sleeping bag would be spalttered with ketchup and tromped into the ground, the nylon bag would have the bottom ripped out and hung 5 feet above the ground. A few candy wrappers could be scattered around the area for effect. Then the rest of us would arrive to find the results of a poorly hung bear bag and a bloodied sleeping bag nearby. That night the kids would hang bear bags 50 feet off the ground!

I think I've matured since then.
Dammit.

[Mountain Hippie]

Bless You!!!

My timing is a little off though..... I have stitches in my mouth and I think I loosened that all up just now....and my pain pills are at home...but damn that made my day anyway...
Now, perhaps for the only time, I too shall add these thingys to a post:clap :clap :clap
Tractor, no pain no gain. You may even find that with the use of certain pain pills the truth will unfold before your very eyes and it will be revealed that there is enlightenment beyond your wildest dreams to be had in my post. But it is more likely that you will see that my nonsense is just that ....nonsense. :D

[Mountain Hippie]

But whales do taste like chicken.
Yes but let us not forget that whales are a protected species on the AT. I mean when is the last time you saw one while hiking? :rolleyes:
You must also ponder the possibility that it is chicken that actually tastes like whales. :-?

[Mountain Hippie]

Remember humor thread y'all. Keep it funny :sun:
Rock, please don't take their crayons away. I promise I will clean all the marks off the walls. I'll even share my tonka toys....Please....Pretty please......

[The Old Fhart]

Mountain Hippie-"We are in need of volunteers to build trails on our planet and a ship will arrive to carry us to Proteus at midnight.'The only thing I have to say to you is: "Gort, Klaatu Barada Nikto" :D

[Mountain Hippie]

When I was in high school and the Senior Patrol Leader of my Scout Troop...

There was the part about teaching the new Scouts about animal tracks. We'd go out with plaster of paris along a small stream looking for tracks. Somewhere along the way while nobody was looking I'd place a pile of chocolate covered raisins and a small pile of malted milk balls. We'd continue on further, cast a few tracks, then on the way back I'd stop for another lesson:

"You can also identify animals by their scat, that's another word for their droppings. This, for example, (pointing to the choc. cov. raisins) is probably 'possum scat. (pick some up) They eat mostly berries and their scat is soft and mushy inside (place some in mouth and chew). These (point to milk balls) are probably racoon droppings. They eat small animals like crayfish and frogs and their scat (place milk ball in mouth) is crunchy from the small animal bones (chew, letting everyone hear the crunch)."

To teach bear bag hanging - someone had to get to the campsite ahead of time with an old trashed sleeping bag, an old nylon bag, and a little rope. The sleeping bag would be spalttered with ketchup and tromped into the ground, the nylon bag would have the bottom ripped out and hung 5 feet above the ground. A few candy wrappers could be scattered around the area for effect. Then the rest of us would arrive to find the results of a poorly hung bear bag and a bloodied sleeping bag nearby. That night the kids would hang bear bags 50 feet off the ground!

I think I've matured since then.
Dammit.
Fantastic stuff. Perhaps some day I will mature as well. I'll check my agenda and see if I have an opening for one day next week. :banana

[Mountain Hippie]

The only thing I have to say to you is: "Gort, Klaatu Barada Nikto" :D
Careful there! Others may be able to break our code. Switch to Proteus code Bush 1984 and cross reference with the Clinton/Lewinskino decoder on the lowest setting. No one will ever be able to break that one. Glod tut blep wahget!!!!

[orangebug]

If you are a woman, bring a box of Nabisco Danish Wedding Cookies. Pull them out of your backpack, and explain loudly (especially if no one is paying attention) that "it is important to bring them as no one knows when they will run into wedding. I'm always prepared!"

Moved me out real quick.

Excellent thread. I think an empty bottle of Jack Daniel or MD20/20 (larger the better) would have similar effect on all potential shelter mates.

[smokymtnsteve]

I think an empty bottle of Jack Daniel or MD20/20 (larger the better) would have similar effect on all potential shelter mates.

yep..ya gotta watch out for dem alkyhol drinkers...

we oughta make that stuff illegal to cut down on crime.

ya know dat alkyhol is a GATEWAY drug.

most of dem he-ron addicks start out drinking DEMON ALKYHOL


my granny always used ta tell me

"dem alkyhol drinkers wuz gonna die and go to hell witha belly-full of likker"


whar is dat willk when U kneed him?

[SGT Rock]

Yes, and if you legalized pot, then we could all go ultralight in our relaxant.

[smokymtnsteve]

Yes, and if you legalized pot, then we could all go ultralight in our relaxant.

well then all you graham wennies ought to join NORML :D

[Nightwalker]

I'm glad that U have found something to help your headaches.

and Yes I am one of the longest surviving people with AIDS in the world,

and you are correct without the MJ I would already be wasted away, and sick if not dead. but I take a licking and keep on kicking.

and thanks so much for your support and well wishs...

(and Frank...feel free to pray for this old atheist/agnostic...if there is a god...i think he would here a prayer like yours :sun
Steve, Folks like you make fighting to stay positive well worth it. As we all know, I haven't always made the effort.

(BTW, the prayer has been made, and will be again. I want to meet you one day.)

[bogey]

Yes but let us not forget that whales are a protected species on the AT. I mean when is the last time you saw one while hiking? :rolleyes:
You must also ponder the possibility that it is chicken that actually tastes like whales. :-?Save the Whales - Collect the whole set.http://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Mountain Hippie]

Hey guys I need a favor. I have a part 2 I am writing to post here later. I would like to get 3 or 4 volunteers to read it first. I am not sure if two of the paragraphs are appropriate for posting here. I have seen worse but I want to make sure that it will not in some way offend anyone. PM me and I will PM you a copy of the paragraphs when I get home later today.

[Tractor]

and i'll wait til my stitches are out before reading this next installment....

[minnesotasmith]

1) Tell everyone in the shelter your all-bean diet is really working out well for you, but that unfortunately you ran ALL out of Beano yesterday...

2) Before time to sleep, in full view of as many other hikers in the shelter as possible, pull out BOTH a pair of earplugs and a set of shooter's earmuffs. When asked about them, say that you snore so loudly you'd wake yourself up, if you didn't use both of these pieces of protective gear.

3) Wear T-shirts that read something like "Lifetime NRA Member", "Twenty Year Award -- Clearcutting Timber Company", "Living With HIV Support Group", "Repeal Megan's Law", "Support Draft Reinstatement", or this line from Neitzche's "Thus Spake Zarathrustra": "Man is for war, and woman is for the entertainment of the warrior. All else is nonsense.".

4) Bring a boombox that constantly LOUDLY plays either bad ultra-slow waltzes, worse rap (preferably the kind that most whites don't even know exists, and can't understand except for the profanity), or very old-style country music with maximum twang.

5) Early on in your stay at a shelter, bring out and leave out (where everyone can see it) a pair of VERY badly stained underwear. (No one had to know that they are clean.) If female, a used item of femine hygiene would work well, too...

:eek: :datz :D

[smokymtnsteve]

well U know MS ..some of us hikers do go to the

Living with HIV support groups

[SGT Rock]

I'm just going to wear sunglasses, try to get everyones picture, and act like an undercover agent trying not to look like an undercover agent.

[minnesotasmith]

Imagine the reaction from people in a shelter when you take off your jacket, and reveal a T-shirt that reads "Living With Airborne-Contagious Herpes Support Group"...:eek: :-?

[smokymtnsteve]

actually when I pullout my large nalgene bottle of Meds and someone asks what all the pills are ( and believe it or not I get ask alot) I usually recieve a LOT of support from fellow hikers so the HIV suupport group T-shirt might backfire on you there MS ;)

[smokymtnsteve]

I'm just going to wear sunglasses, try to get everyones picture, and act like an undercover agent trying not to look like an undercover agent.


Rock I thought you were a under cover agent....and U did take everyone's picture at HARD CORE last year...

[SGT Rock]

Yes, and I think I even witnessed some illegal activity. Has anyone been by to talk to you about that yet? :cool:

[smokymtnsteve]

not lately... ;)

[minnesotasmith]

Just wear a T-shirt that says "NAMBLA Grade School Outreach Coordinator", or one with a picture of Osama bin Laden (second one works better for guys with long beards).

[Tractor]

My stitches are out and I'm ready for the next installment.

By the way, did you know that studies show Dave Matthews Band music can cause instant erectile disfunction among men with women who wear cotton in synthetic loft bags. Another study concludes, but is not yet widely recoginzied as conclusive, that the problem is in the sleeping bags not the music. The S.O.S.L.T. (Study Of Stuff Like This) has not responded on either study, just yet, but had published their original report pre 1980's, when Dave Matthews was 13.

It seems reasonable that this is all another attempt at dragging the Eagles through the mud again. Their music should be banned from the trail, I know, but it's so hard to keep from humming some of it I must confess. I am guilty!

Just remember: Wood smoke kills! Burn Cotton!

[Mountain Hippie]

Some of you guys may be "almost" as sick and disturbed as I am. I am enjoying the posts and offer my apologies for not being able to respond to each one. Let's keep up the joking non-flame attitude at least in this thread. It can serve as a refuge while some of the other threads go up in flames.
I have been in contact with a couple of you via PM. I will await the proof reading from these guys before posting any additions to my original post. If anyone is curious about the content that is in question, feel free to PM me and I will send you a copy. thanks for your time, carry on! :banana

[Pencil Pusher]

Good thread, dude. Just don't joke about the Illuminati or sport juggling.

[Mountain Hippie]

Good thread, dude. Just don't joke about the Illuminati or sport juggling.
How strange you should mention Illuminati. At one point I was entertaining the thought of incorporating the society into my thread. But then I realized if I did I could find myself waking up dead in the near future. I have the same fear of jugglers. :eek:

[Deepdiver]

MH...Ya had me rolling! Can't wait for parts 2 - 22...lol

[Dances with Mice]

Good thread, dude. Just don't joke about the Illuminati or sport juggling.

The message above needs to be erased for the safety of this community.

You don't want to go there. Seriously, this is dangerous stuff. It's like playing with fire.
http://www.whiteblaze.net/gallery/showphoto.php/photo/6028/sort/1/cat/500/page/1
(photo taken on secret Illuminati Appalachian Trail resort)

[Just Jeff]

But you must also consider the posibility of piping in snores from the outside world on your cell phone. This way you could save your vocal cords for your Trail Hero speech. :banana
Great idea! I was thinking about carrying a loud tape recorder (probably an ultralight mp3 player with speakers)...but the cell phone is ultralight and MULTI-USE!!

You could even get a ringtone with obnoxious rap music in case the snoring didn't work.

[Pencil Pusher]

The uber-classic part is it's a fake cell phone. Man, then the Save Jesus t-shirt ideas cracked me up just as well. Yeah, I'm up for a part two too.

Sport juggling revealed! Hah, I knew it was only a matter of time! Did anyone else notice that by drawing straight lines connecting the torches, it forms the symbol of the pentagram (secret Mason symbol)?

[Dances with Mice]

The uber-classic part is it's a fake cell phone. Man, then the Save Jesus t-shirt ideas cracked me up just as well. Yeah, I'm up for a part two too.

Sport juggling revealed! Hah, I knew it was only a matter of time! Did anyone else notice that by drawing straight lines connecting the torches, it forms the symbol of the pentagram (secret Mason symbol)?

Optical illusion. Do you have any idea how hard it is to balance a flaming torch on your shoulder?

I hated to take the job. I mean, I don't agree with their plans for world domination, their destruction of the gold standard, or that whole Kennedy assasination thing but for a juggler it's a pretty good gig. Their checks don't bounce, if you know what I mean.

[minnesotasmith]

1) Tell everyone at the shelter that you were the inspiration for the movie "Willard", that you've ALWAYS had this weird ability to attract mice and rats in huge numbers that you can't turn off...

2) In front of your tent, at a prized campsite at which you don't want company, scatter the following: a) some empty beer cans, and b) some of those plastic fake piles of vomit available at gag gift shops. Bonus points: belch loudly when anyone hikes by.

3) If male and over 260 pounds, wear Speedos for bottoms in warm weather around the shelter/campsite/hostel, ideally with no shirt. If female over size 26, spandex hot pants ought to do the trick...

4) If you have a big bushy beard, intentionally place food crumbs in it, and leave them there. You want to pick materials with colors that will contrast well with the color of your beard hair, so as to be easily visible. Bonus points for cobwebs.

Hey! This is easy! Other people, feel free to chime in...

[Mountain Hippie]

Just a quick note. I have to go out of town unexpectedly. I will check back in when I return. In case you are wondering, no my sudden departure is not a consequence of my previous posts. However, being difficult to locate for a few days isn't a bad precaution either. Come to think of it, perhaps I should take the hard drive with me. More upon my return....................

[Doctari]

Men (or women I guess) Wear a fake beard to "Blend in" And make a big show of shaving every day, "because I don't like anything on my face" then put the fake beard on with a religeous solumness. State loudly, "so, how do I look" to the nearest: tree, bush, tent stake, squirrel, etc.

Shave your eyebrows, then draw them back on with a green highlighter. Change colors every now & then.

Set up a inflatable "girlfriend" near your tent. Have real conversations with her (complain about her mother, a beach ball, comment on how good her dad looks since he was recycled into a soda bottle.)

Go with a ultralight pack, Yet carry a bowling ball, cause "you never know" (bowling balls come in wts as low as 16Oz BTW). Would you guys mind standing still, I need to practice [evil laugh here].

[minnesotasmith]

I know there are some devious minds at least as creative as mine on the forum today. C'mon, tell us how you'd run other hikers out of a shelter or campsite you're in the mood to have to yourself, or just to make people you're not in the mood for go away and stop talking to you while you're trying to hike (and you're trying to forget that idiots like them exist in the world).

[Stoker53]

Mtn Hippie....Excellent post. I was ROTFLMFAOPIMP. Thanks you made a rainy Easter AM brighter.:clap :clap :clap :clap

[One Leg]

1) 4) If you have a big bushy beard, intentionally place food crumbs in it, and leave them there. You want to pick materials with colors that will contrast well with the color of your beard hair, so as to be easily visible. Bonus points for cobwebs.


At the Bland, Va. Dairy Queen last year, I ran into a guy who fit this description to the letter, only he carried it a few steps further. He was sitting alone, would say something, then start laughing unconrtollably. He would pick something from his beard, and loudly say "G-Damn Lice", smash whatever it was on the table, remove said critter from the table and eat it. Folks definately gave this fellow his breathing room. After that spectacle, he exited the DQ, donned his pack and said "Anyone headed back to the trail? Can I hitch a ride?" I think his lice-eating tactics pretty much killed his chances of yogi-ing a ride, although I didn't stick around to find out.

[Mountain Hippie]

At the Bland, Va. Dairy Queen last year, I ran into a guy who fit this description to the letter, only he carried it a few steps further. He was sitting alone, would say something, then start laughing unconrtollably. He would pick something from his beard, and loudly say "G-Damn Lice", smash whatever it was on the table, remove said critter from the table and eat it. Folks definately gave this fellow his breathing room. After that spectacle, he exited the DQ, donned his pack and said "Anyone headed back to the trail? Can I hitch a ride?" I think his lice-eating tactics pretty much killed his chances of yogi-ing a ride, although I didn't stick around to find out.
Yes the mention of tiny livestock in any region of the anatomy will at the very least give you some breathing room. This same tactic can be used to claim the privy as your own. :eek:
You know it wouldn't surprise me to see a top ten list extracted from this thread and plastered in the pages on the next issue of Backpacker Mag. Which leads me to my next suggestion. If you want to clear the area, break out an issue of this mag and watch the crowd move away. Make the claim that you learned everything you know from the mag and watch them flee. I don't mean to rag on the mag, it does have info pertinent to this thread. Remember the battery powered Christmas lights for the tent? Let me see a string of those come out of a pack and I'm moving on.
As you can see I am back at least in body. I will catch up on the posts later. I had some time to jot down a few ideas on paper last night but it is not a completed project yet. I am to tired to deal with editing and posting at the moment. Perhaps I can post a teaser later today when my brain arrives. :)

[minnesotasmith]

You do this one in a shelter or hostel. Ideally, be the first one set up to sack out for the night, so other people can most easily leave, while still mostly all packed. Visibly and vigorously scratch multiple body parts, and say, "F***, I hate bedbugs!!"

You'll be alone soon, I promise...:D

[Mountain Hippie]

Okay, I quickly whipped this up and did not spend a great deal of time editing. It may be a little difficult to follow in places but it should be an entertaining read.


Just in case you have been unsuccessful at repelling uninvited guests here is a little gear advice you can offer. You may learn a thing or two yourself.

Bear Bagging 101 1/2

By Mountain "Whose in da Bag" Hippie


The lost art of Bear Bagging - Bear bags are one of the most misunderstood pieces of hiking gear today. I can not count the times that I have had inquiries as to the proper method for getting the bear into such a small bag. Of course I quickly pick up on their misunderstanding and instruct them that they have purchased the wrong size bag. Obviously they have purchased the Koala model intended for foreign use. What they need is the larger black bear model or the larger yet, grizzly model. Once the proper bag is acquired they must then learn the art of bear bagging.
While most people are familiar with the method of hoisting and securing the bag, few will actually succeed at bagging a bear. Bear bagging is a difficult task for those that are ill-prepared or improperly trained. The first thing to consider is bait. Most people already know that the bears food of choice is the hiker. Bears prefer the taste of ultra-light hikers but are rarely successful at catching one. The ULH's are not burdened down with gear allowing them to run faster and farther than the bear. Bears are also noted for preferring fresh live meat, thus they will pass up the offerings of the many deceased ULH's found frozen to death along the trail. Verified purists are also a great bait, however they are rare and considered to be an endangered species. If in using the steps listed below you happen to catch a purists it must be released and the catch reported to the ATC so that this rare find may be recorded. Their numbers are limited so let's all do the right thing and leave them alone. The average hiker is not a favorite meal for the bear, but since the AH is so popular you will likely end up with one of these as bear bait.
To begin your bag set-up you must first lure a hiker into the bag to be used as bait. Gear is by far the most effective lure for hikers. When choosing gear for a hiker lure you must first choose which flavor of hiker you wish to capture. For ultra-lighters I have found that the hiker lure must be small and compact. Larger items should not exceed 1 Lb and should compress to no larger than 5" by 12". For instance I have bagged 60% of my ULH'S using the MS Ghost backpack. The pack alone will entice may a ULH into your bag but add a scale and you will triple your yield.
Capturing AH's is not as technical. Usually any piece of gear with a value greater than 300 dollars is enough to suck them in. I have also found poptarts and a flask of good whisky to be equally as effective. There are many more combinations that will successfully lure your hiker into the bag, feel free to try different lures until you find what works best for you. Placement and set-up of the bag of gear is also important. The bag of gear should be placed within 2' of the trail and the end propped open to reveal the booty inside. Heavily used trails such as the AT will produce the quickest results. Two or three hikers may pass before one enters but be patient and you will soon be reaping the rewards. Simply draw the string closed and you now have your bear bag bait.
Something else worth noting is the possibility of catching a yellow or blue blazer. Both make good baits and while it is not necessary to be able to tell them apart I thought some of you would like to have that knowledge. Yellow blazers sometimes appear to be ULH's because of their small packs and scant gear. The easiest way to tell the difference is to note the thumb on the right hand. If it looks normal you have a ULH. If the thumb is tanned and has a weathered appearance you have a YB. Generally yellow blazers will be more populous near road crossings, trail towns and hostels.
A blue blazer is more difficult to determine because it must be done before the BB is bagged. Normally the easiest way is to converse with the bb and listen for subtle remarks such as, " Man I loved that view 1 mile off the AT near the Pass Mountain hut" or "I'm glad I took the Tuscorora trail instead of the AT for that section ". These are signs that you are dealing with a BB. Also noteworthy is after you have verified that you have a BB or YB, if either one claims that they are a purist immediately excuse yourself. What you have run across is the rare Rainbow Blaze Liar. The RBL should be avoided at all costs. If you do run into a RBL do not confront them. Run as fast as you can to the nearest authorities and let them handle it from there.
Once your bait is in the bag and the draw cord has been secured you will need to subdue your bait so he doen't escape before you have bagged your bear. I use a modified leki to knock the bait unconscious. My leki has a spring loaded sleeve in which a percussion cap may be placed. Place the end of the pole on the your bait hiker pull the trigger and the sleeve thrust forward delivering just the right amount of force to render the bait unconscious. If you choose to use alternative methods be very careful not to kill your bait hiker. Now you can remove the gear and/or scales from the bag for future use and prepare to transform your hiker bag to a bear bag.
You will need to find a sturdy tree with a limb 2" to 3" in diameter about 12' off the ground. It will need to have another limb 4" or larger in diameter approximately 6' to 10' above the first limb. You will now cast your rope over the higher limb and hoist your bear bag up, with the hiker inside, until it is 1' to 1 1/2' below the lower limb. Tie the hoist rope off securely and make sure that the end of the bag is open. Fashion a slip knot and tension it just enough to keep the bag open. The concept is that the bear will climb the tree and shimmy out on the limb. Once out there he will try to reach the bag and this will lead him to loosing his balance, thus falling into your bag. The slip knot will close trapping the bear inside the bag. The bag is now set and you can relax until your bear is bagged. If you are nearby you will hear the bear as he tries to get free of the bag. If you are futher away you can simply check your bag every few hours. In a short time you will have your bear bagged and will now need to dispatch him.
The most effective and humane way is to first drag the bag so that the closed end is almost up against a tree and the end with the draw string is away from the tree. Open the end of the bag enough for the bear to stick his head out and tighten the bag slightly. Be careful to avoid the bears mouth as he will now be less than amused with your presence. Next, take 10 paces back from the bagged bear and turn to face him. Once you are in place start waving your arms in the air making yourself appear as large as possible. Be sure to yell loudly and if possible make additional noise as well. As we all know this will scare the bear into a retreat. When he retreats he will run into the tree and dispatch himself. Occasionally I have had bears die from heart failure before reaching the tree.
You have now completed the task of bagging a bear. Don't forget to let your bait hiker out and if necessary revive him. He will quickly run away and live to hike another day. If your bait hiker has run away and left his gear be sure to set it beside the trail where he can easily find it if he returns. I also like to leave a little trail magic as a reward for the hikers services. There may be different techniques for bear bagging out there but this is the most effective method I have found. I hope it is as productive for you as it has been for me. If I run across you again on the trail "The bears on you". :dance


How's that for bear bagging? That should gives us something to talk about for the next couple days. Now if I could only think of something for the hiking rules thread. :datz

[One Leg]

LMOLO-!!!!!!!!! Funny stuff

[smokymtnsteve]

LMOLO-!!!!!!!!! Funny stuff

LMOLO= laugh my other leg off ????

[One Leg]

LMOLO= laugh my other leg off ????


Hey, I'm proud of you Steve, you got it right off the bat :D

[smokymtnsteve]

well U know I lived at J/house for three years and after that experience my sense of humor got really warped. ;)

but i kinda like it this way :D

[smokymtnsteve]

Hey, I'm proud of you Steve, you got it right off the bat :D

yea..I'm a little smarter than I look :jump

[One Leg]

Steve:

Birds of a feather flock together....Nice to know you're in my weird, warped corner, haha

[Mountain Hippie]

In college I majored in clinical psychology. After four years I knew two things for sure
1. I seemed to suffer from most of the illnesses that I studied
2. Every human being on the face of the earth is warped in one way or another.
Welcome to reality guys!!! :welcome

[smokymtnsteve]

yea ..but some of us (like scott and myself )are SICKER than others..haha

[One Leg]

Yeah, I'm paralyzed from the neck up.

[Mountain Hippie]

After viewing some of the other humor threads I don't think you guys are as sick as you say. At least not in a negative way. :jump

[ffstenger]

I use to (sniff sniff) love my (sniff) cotton :( . Showme