Advice on hiking with someone of the opposite sex? [Archive]

VTATHiker

02-06-2013, 06:26

This depends highly on the nature of the partnership - are you expecting to hike the trail together, or just to start hiking the trail together. I hiked with girls and guys on-and-off on my sobo (though I started alone), and I found it was much more enjoyable when we made plans individually but followed through on plans as a pair or group. In other words, get up in the morning and plan to hike your own hike and by the end of the day I guarantee one party or the other often molds their plans so that you can stay at the same shelter or campsite that night or hitch together into town. If you plan to stick together the entire length of the trail, I hope you really, really like each other...

nitewalker

02-06-2013, 07:20

I had already been planning a SOBO thru-hike this year, but I recently invited a girl friend (I am a guy) to come along and she took me up on it. I have no qualms about it, but any tips on how to make the hike go as smoothly as possible would be greatly appreciated. Logistics, hiking pace, sleeping situation, anything you can think of. Byah

just like the real world. keeping her happy will go a long way....

JAK

02-06-2013, 07:57

Let the slower hiker walk in front and set the pace, and make more choices.
Let the faster hiker carry more and do more camp work so the other can rest more.

Expect a lot of ups and downs and changes in weather, as with any hike. ;-)

jbenson

02-06-2013, 08:11

Are you really Hatteras Jack?

Almost There

02-06-2013, 08:45

If your significant other...she leads! If just a friend with no romantic desires, then depends on what you want, meaning do you want to hike your hike, or her hike? My wife leads when we hike, which means hiking with her limits me to about ten mile days vs the 15-20 I usually do. This makes hiking with her enjoyable...more mileage = both of us pissed off.

Good Luck!

10-K

02-06-2013, 08:50

Before you start a conversation while you're hiking ask, "Do you feel like talking?"

bigcranky

02-06-2013, 08:54

You might take a look at this link (http://www.spiriteaglehome.com/THP_loveandlust.html) and see if it helps.

Actually, all of the Thru-Hiking Papers may be useful (that link above is one page from the whole set.)

In general, you need to answer some important questions before your hike. You get to define the questions, and there are no single right answers, but it's going to be incredibly helpful to ask and answer them before you leave.

My own suggestion would be to share as little gear as possible -- just the tent would be ideal. That way you are both self-sufficient should the need arise for you to spend the night apart, or should one of you need to get off the trail. (That's probably the number one question I would want answered before the hike: what happens when one of you wants to/needs to get off the trail? Does the other one quit, too? Or keep hiking? Or what?)

Good luck. I find hiking with my spouse of almost 30 years to be very rewarding, but it's completely different from solo or trips with my regular hiking partner.

Smooth & Wasabi

02-06-2013, 09:07

I agree it depends on the nature of the relationship and the resultant commitment to hike the entire way together. As in life communication is key. I hiked half the trail with my wife to be a decade ago. My advice if it is a romantic situation is to have more time and money than you think you will need. For us a partnership meant our mileage and town stops went to the lowest common denominator. If we both felt like puttingt in miles great. However it was invariable that we would each have different days we felt like hiking less or spending more time in town. That said I also know a couple who said that they motivated each other to keep going at those times so I guess it depends on the individual dynamic. If you are just friends make sure you have seperate gear and no shared mail drops. Like any friendship you might not want to hike together all the time.

Starchild

02-06-2013, 09:12

I have hiked very well with a S.O. and it can be a great weight savings + extra warmth if you both can hike 'as one' person. This is something I can do very naturally with the right person, but it does take 2 who are capable of this and willing. If you and her can do this it is a wonderful experience.

If not however you both need to be a bit more self sufficient.

Let the slower hiker walk in front and set the pace, and make more choices.
Let the faster hiker carry more and do more camp work so the other can rest more.

Basically this is how it works out in practice but this I have found would be the natural pattern that develops.

Good luck to you both

Peace

fiddlehead

02-06-2013, 09:24

She has to want to hike it as bad as you do.
Cause times are going to get tough, when it's raining, foggy, and your lost and hungry/tired.
So, unless she really wants to be there, it may not work out.

I did it with my ex-wife back in '77.
She loved the trail even though she didn't know what she was getting into.
She got dysentery once and took a week off at her brother's.
But couldn't wait to get back.
That's what it takes.

We got along much better on the trail than we did trying to live in babylon with jobs and not seeing each other so much.
We shared our equipment.
Some do, some don't.

I hiked with girls that I met on other thru's and then we each had our own gear as we met on the trail.
They worked out great too as we could easily go our own way whenever we wanted.

Have fun.

RedBeerd

02-06-2013, 09:34

Enjoy the opportunity. I'd love the experience of thru hiking with my woman.

RedBeerd

02-06-2013, 09:39

...and make sure to load the child bearing hips with all the heavy gear..

bfayer

02-06-2013, 11:52

...and make sure to load the child bearing hips with all the heavy gear..

I should try that one. "Look sweetheart, your body is designed to carry the extra weight for up to nine months at a time, its only fair".

I'm sure that would workout just swell :screwy:

prain4u

02-06-2013, 12:21

I am not in a romantic relationship with my hiking partner. We were simply college roommates 1,000 years ago.

The biggest challenge for us when we hike is the length of our walking strides. He is much taller than me and has longer legs. Thus, every 20 steps that we take--he gets 10-15 feet ahead of me. Most people would probably suggest that I hike first--being the slower hiker. However, we have found that the exact opposite works for us.

If I hike first, he ends up taking shorter--more choppy--steps which tires him out more and wrecks havoc on his knees (and/or he sometimes is literally stepping on my heels as we walk).

So, we have him hike in the lead--and I just take more steps per minute (and I stretch out my stride a little more) in order to keep up with him. This works better for us than having him take shorter steps or him walking slower. He also pauses every now and then (and grabs a sip of water) and waits a few seconds for me to catch up if I am falling behind. (Walking behind him, I can also see when I am slipping behind and can adjust my pace accordingly). All I know is that it works for us.

We each carry our own shelter. I use a hammock. He uses a tent. We each carry a cooking pot and some fuel--and our own food--in case we were to ever get separated.

I had two friends who became separated from each other when hiking--and one even took a wrong turn. It took them nearly a day to find each other. Sadly, one was carrying all of the food and the other one was carrying the stove and fuel. One had the tent and the other had the poles and stakes. The water definitely NEEDED to be filtered in this area--and only one of them carried a filter. The other one carried THE first aid kit for both of them. Bottom line: When they became separated from each other, they were both in big trouble. After their experience, I now ALWAYS make certain that I always have the ability to be 100% independent and 100% self-sufficient on the trail--even if I am hiking with a partner or group.

Hipcheck

02-06-2013, 13:28

I started with a great guy friend/hockey buddy... We camped together two nights and then the 3rd night he came up short.. We were apart the rest of the time. I stuck with a guy we met the second night, not involved romantically, and we made it to Katahdin together.

Plan to carry everything you need to hike solo..

My friend and I planned together, hiked together, etc but when it came down to it I just had a different pace. I wouldn't change a thing, because we had entirely different hikes.. I'm glad we each hiked our own hike instead of trying to stick together.

daddytwosticks

02-06-2013, 16:50

A past Whiteblaze thread dealing with a male hiking with a female recommended bringing lots of chocolate. :)

yellowsirocco

02-06-2013, 17:29

If it is your girlfriend then just keep her happy.

If it is just a female friend, then have completely independent gear in case you ever get tired of each other and need to split for a day or two. I have seen friends share gear before and it turns out bad. People need their space. In the end the vast majority of people who are friends even of the same gender that start together don't finish together, so just enjoy their company while it lasts and be ready to go separate ways.

Zmaidment

02-06-2013, 17:32

Happy wife=happy life. So does leaving her at home

m_factor

02-06-2013, 17:51

Aside from what's already been said, here's another idea...

If you don't already have a well-established hiking partnership, be open to varying the nature of your partnership on the trail. Not only might you hike at different paces, you might find that one of you prefers to lounge around in the morning while the other is up, packed, and ready to hike in 20 minutes. Or maybe one of you likes one long breaks while the other prefers lots of short breaks. This doesn't mean that your partnership won't be compatible, it just means you may have to rethink how you hike together.

I had a partner that was slow to get up in the morning and I was just plain slow. We ended up hiking separately in the morning. I would then stop at a pre-planned place for a long lunch and he would eventually catch up. Then we would hike together in the afternoon.

This gave us some time apart during the day and gave us things to talk about when we got together, too. It worked well for us.

Like others suggested, we were both self-sufficient in case we didn't meet up as planned. We also generally carried our own food rather than try to cook for two. We might end up eating the same thing or sharing our meals, but we weren't always in the mood for the same types of food.

Logistically speaking, if you have any maildrops (I don't recommend too many), you might want your support to leave them open until they're about to mail them. That way, if you end up separating for any reason (injury, relationship troubles, family emergencies at home, etc.), the maildrop with two people's worth of supplies won't go to one person. You can always direct your support person how to change the contents of your maildrop.

You may glean some more ideas from my web page about finding compatible partners for a thruhike... http://friends.backcountry.net/m_factor/partner.html

Rightfoot

02-06-2013, 19:01

While I have not thru hiked, I have completed all but 75 miles of the trail in longer sections. Many of these miles were with my wife who loves to hike but also enjoys a bed, shower, her razor and a decent meal. If your plans and funds allow, I would suggest occasional nero's or zero's at some of the better hostels. The breakfast provided at Mountain Harbor Hostel on a rainy morning went a long way for sure....

SassyWindsor

02-06-2013, 21:43

It's difficult to find any group that will stick together long enough to finish a long distance hike. It's hard enough to finish just by yourself.

Dogwood

02-06-2013, 22:58

Personally, I wouldn't plan a thru-hike WITH ANYONE until I knew we had compatible hiking styles/philosophies, tolerance and adaptability levels, etc. Double that consideration with a significant other. As Sassy Windsor says , it's(CAN BE) hard enough to finish just by yourself." It CAN BE harder when someone else is intimately involved. I've seen couples thrive together on thru-hikes and I've seen couples have their relationships really strained and eventually snap on thru-hikes. Both of you need to communicate well, possibly have a high tolerance level in regards to a great many issues, be patient, be considerate of each other, and have a high degree of flexibility/adaptability. Both of you individually should be able to adapt to living outside of your current comfort zones for an extended duration. VERY OFTEN, thru-hiker wannabes can't address this until the boots are on the ground dealing with all the things that thru-hiking entails. For just one person completing their own solo AT thru-hike I think it takes a high degree of all those things. Now, it has to be doubled or tripled with both of you doing a duo thru-hike. You and the GF need to be honest with yourselves and each other with respect to your goals, individual character traits, and strength of your relationship, PRE-HIKE!

Thru-hiking with the opposite sex is one thing. Thru-hiking with a significant other is another animal. It could work well enriching both your thru-hikes by sharing the experience bringing the two of you closer OR, uhh, syonara. Personally, if one or both of you are approaching thruing the AT as achieving a lifetime dream, I think each of you need to carefully prepare for the possibility of one of you having to go on by yourself IF one of you should decide that thru-hiking isn't for you. I know you mean well inviting the GF along but this possibility should be addressed up front, as I think it should be with any two people thru-hiking together.

You could give thru-hiking together a shot and if it's not working for either or one of you be willing to communicate that to each other, NICELY! Be ready to adapt your hiking together to see how it CAN work for both of you.

Hatteras Jack

02-07-2013, 03:36

Just came back to this post after posting it last night. Thanks for all the advice! I'll definitely take all of it into account. The nature of the relationship is, uh, confusing. We dated for a couple years but went our own ways. In short I messed it up. Anyways, we've kind of moved past that and we had always talked about thru hiking. She had given me the idea years back and it stuck in my head. So once I planned my trip I asked her if she was coming too. And she is! We're best friends, just a lot of stuff has happened in between. Her desire to finish is unmatched. I just hope I can keep up. She's been doing field work in Madagascar and Utah since May, hiking all over the place. Meanwhile I've been collecting moss in grad school.

bigcranky

02-07-2013, 08:25

The additional info helps. In this case I would start out as if I were hiking with my regular hiking partner, not my wife. That is, each person has a complete, separate gear load, totally self-contained. If, as the hike progresses, you find you are compatible hiking partners and the romantic part flares up again, then you can see about getting a larger tent, as it were.

VTATHiker

02-07-2013, 08:35

A little moss from grad school's nothing to worry about... this past year I shook mine off by the time I got out of the 100 Miles Wilderness. Good luck and enjoy!

tf bear

02-07-2013, 20:33

As a couple. It is wise to hike with others as well. That way it is not always just the two of you. It gives other options during the day of who to talk to. A little separation time is always welcome.

takethisbread

02-07-2013, 20:52

Sounds inevitable that you will be doing the horizontal belly smash. You dig her, you dig other ladies bc you are a guy, and u screwed up. I get it. After y'all have coitus, I'm feelings will result, it may get uncomfortable, she may hook up with another 1,000 miles in after a huge night st the Doyle, how you gonna feel? It might knock u off the trail . Risky. 20% chance this is a good idea depending in how amazing she looks

Hatteras Jack

02-07-2013, 22:11

takethisbread, I really enjoy your post. I laughed my ass off because it's pretty damn true. Also the one that's made me think the most. We've talked about still having feelings for each other but, like everything with women, it's complicated.

chief

02-08-2013, 00:23

Hatteras Jack, never, ever talk about feelings with an ex. It's like waving a white flag.

hikingshoes

02-08-2013, 00:32

I'd let her lead and set the pace,and be up front with her on how many days your hiking until you hit a town. I ,miss my lady friend who hiked with me but thats water under the bridge. HS

soulrebel

02-08-2013, 09:23

Sounds like fun, but be prepared for her to get a lot of male attention. I'm married and had to tell several guys that they're going to far with the come-ons and that I'd leave them under a pile of rocks if they kept it up. of course we're still friends with them... haha Hiking with a female is a bit of a commodity on the trail... By the way, what does she look like? can she cook? hikes all day? maybe I can help.

daddytwosticks

02-08-2013, 09:39

The real question...what does she look like in a pair of Crocs? :)

bigcranky

02-08-2013, 10:25

The real question...what does she look like in a pair of Crocs? :)

All hiker chicks look terrific in a pair of crocs and a bandana over their hair. By definition.

lemon b

02-08-2013, 10:29

I have always perfered hiking alone. My pace is unique.

canoehead

02-08-2013, 10:59

Have fun...

Miami Joe

02-08-2013, 11:49

My wife hikes faster than me. She lets me lead...but I still carry all the ****. :) Seriously, I have no frame of reference here because I made sure to marry a lady who loves to backpack.

The Solemates

02-08-2013, 11:59

my wife and i hike together all the time - and we did the trail together - and I am 14 inches taller than she is so our strides are completely different. she leads, but she rarely slows me down. not sure how she does it. we only carry one cook pot, one water filter, one stove, share our meals, share a tent, and oftentimes even share a sleeping bag, draped over us as a quilt.

hiking together lets you go lighter and is more enjoyable for us. doing this with the wrong person, however, could be miserable.

VTATHiker

02-08-2013, 12:02

Thank you takethisbread. I haven't laughed that hard in weeks. Spot on advice, too.

Chaco Taco

02-08-2013, 13:59

wife and I hiked and continue to hike together. Tough at first, but secret is to have lots of sex, seriously, avoid the shelters.

Hatteras Jack

02-08-2013, 15:24

secret is to have lots of sex
Now this I get

seriously, avoid the shelters.
But what's the reason for avoiding shelters? More room for sexy activities?

brian039

02-08-2013, 15:42

Hiking with a girlfriend takes a lot of getting used to. If you've never done a long hike solo before then I'd say you'll have an easier time getting adjusted. It throws all that "hike your hike" stuff out the window.

vtrek

02-08-2013, 17:45

Carry-On

02-08-2013, 19:43

I also agree that the faster hiker should lead. It is easier for someone to slow slightly and wait here and there for the other person to catch up. I really do NOT like hiking behind a slower hiker. You will both be happier in the end and we all enjoy hiking more when we are happy.

Just in general, as the slower hiker, I prefer to let the faster hiker(s) go first. I hate feeling like somebody is stepping on my heels, or that I'm slowing them down and they are getting antsy or frustrated. I also tend to feel rushed and so I feel stressed and that I'm more likely to stumble or fall because I'm trying to rush my pace. I'd much rather have somebody just wait a bit ahead of me if we want to take a break together. I don't necessarily like hiking with somebody all the time, anyway. Talking breaks my concentration and that was when I had one of my worst falls and sprained my ankle. I was talking on "easy" trail and not paying very good attention.

Anyway, you should talk about that beforehand as well. Do you both want to spend every minute of every day and night together? Do you want to leave camp together, hike together and take every break together or would you prefer to leave camp separately in the morning and meet up for lunch or breaks? Does one of you WANT to be alone at times? These things can cause major friction if your priorities/needs are different, but unless one of you always needs company and the other needs some alone time you should be able to work out a compromise if you plan to hike "together."

StylinLP38

02-08-2013, 21:15

Hatteras Jack

02-08-2013, 22:27

Geesh, I know better. There is this hot 21 yr old stacked Russian blonde bartender girl that is begging me to let her come. I can see it now. 2 nights mindless sex. Then never to see her again after the first Shelter party lol

Haha I see where you're coming from but this is a girl currently hiking 14 miles a day the snow for her job. She knows about the AT, she was even the one who got me interested a few years back.