View Full Version : Anxious of partner's change after through hike
Obviously he'll be changed - him through-hiking the AT and me staying home has been the hardest thing we've been through in our relatively short (1 1/2 year) relationship, and definitely the hardest thing he's ever done. He seems very distant from me, and we've talked about it, but there are no good answers, so I've come to think it as just "is what it is" when we're in such different places emotionally and physically. We've basically had to put the relationship on hold. He keeps telling me "nothing's changed" [in our relationship], but I just can't believe that's true! I've changed - he's changed - what's not to say our relationship has, or will, change?
Any experiences with returning (either yourself or your partner or someone you know) you can share? I've nearly called it off several times just because I was scared and impatient, and our relationship was getting so off-balance. But I WANT to see this through for him, and I'm sure I will since he has less than 4 weeks left before I see him at the finish. I've tried to be the good girlfriend supporting him the best I can because I know it's what he wants/needs (and in the end what's good for him is also good for me), but I almost reached my limit of patience and understanding many many times. I've felt neglected, not listened to, and unappreciated, and those are tough emotions to grapple with when you're trying to be a good, giving, supportive person.
If you're through-hiked, do you generally want to change EVERYTHING about your life, or do you feel like that for awhile, and then settle into something more like a compromise between the 'pre-trail' you and the 'post-trail' you? Also, when you're back with people, physically, do you feel more connected to them, or has that also changed for good, in general?
HikerMom58
11-01-2013, 15:38
Hey laner
I don't know enough about ur relationship, other than what you've shared, to know if it has anything to do with thru-hiking the AT or not.
I feel ur pain, girl. If you can hold out for 4 more weeks, you can find out what's up.
Welcome to Whiteblaze! Maybe someone else can share what they think or may have some insight. Hang in there!
Slo-go'en
11-01-2013, 18:32
While on a long distance hike, life is reduced to it's basics - eat, sleep, walk. It's hard to have empathy for other peoples problems - they are so removed from your current existance that they just don't seem important any more.
There is a good chance he will still seem distant when he returns. It takes a while for the "thousand mile stare" to fad and to ease back into ones old routines. You just have to be suportive and understanding to help with that transistion back to civilization.
I've only been here on WB a short time, and I've come to feel that most of the folks here are really "good people" and when you have an issue, whatever it is, most really want to offer good advice. So I'd say to try and take in whatever others here are going to tell you, but hold out for those 4 more weeks, and while you're doing that, also talk to a professional -- like a marriage counselor (or they may even call them "relationship counselors", these days). Someone with the proper training.
Good luck!
Thanks, Shmaybix! I will!
Thanks, Sl-go'n. Great perspective.
Good to know. I do have a therapist, thank god! And a great dog, too, :) so that helps.
susiecruise
11-01-2013, 19:59
Obviously he'll be changed - him through-hiking the AT and me staying home has been the hardest thing we've been through in our relatively short (1 1/2 year) relationship, and definitely the hardest thing he's ever done. He seems very distant from me, and we've talked about it, but there are no good answers, so I've come to think it as just "is what it is" when we're in such different places emotionally and physically. We've basically had to put the relationship on hold. He keeps telling me "nothing's changed" [in our relationship], but I just can't believe that's true! I've changed - he's changed - what's not to say our relationship has, or will, change?
Any experiences with returning (either yourself or your partner or someone you know) you can share? I've nearly called it off several times just because I was scared and impatient, and our relationship was getting so off-balance. But I WANT to see this through for him, and I'm sure I will since he has less than 4 weeks left before I see him at the finish. I've tried to be the good girlfriend supporting him the best I can because I know it's what he wants/needs (and in the end what's good for him is also good for me), but I almost reached my limit of patience and understanding many many times. I've felt neglected, not listened to, and unappreciated, and those are tough emotions to grapple with when you're trying to be a good, giving, supportive person.
If you're through-hiked, do you generally want to change EVERYTHING about your life, or do you feel like that for awhile, and then settle into something more like a compromise between the 'pre-trail' you and the 'post-trail' you? Also, when you're back with people, physically, do you feel more connected to them, or has that also changed for good, in general?
You could plan a new trip together, just a few days might be enough to remind him the trail is always out there
He'll be changed, yes. You will too. This could well prove to be somewhat romantic. Expect the best..... and thanks for supporting a fellow hiker.
HooKooDooKu
11-01-2013, 20:46
Obviously he'll be changed...He keeps telling me "nothing's changed" [in our relationship], but I just can't believe that's true! I've changed - he's changed - what's not to say our relationship has, or will, change?
...
If you're through-hiked, do you generally want to change EVERYTHING about your life, or do you feel like that for awhile, and then settle into something more like a compromise between the 'pre-trail' you and the 'post-trail' you? Also, when you're back with people, physically, do you feel more connected to them, or has that also changed for good, in general?
Change, change, change...
First of all, understand that if your relationship is to endure, it has to endure change.
Second, understand that a thru hike is a major accomplishment, and it will give him a different outlook on life. But the amount it has changed his life will pale in comparison to the changes your relationship is likely to face in the future.
Just to give a perfect example... an example you can't understand until you experience it... CHILDREN! Becoming a parent COMPLETELY changes your life. Once you're a parent, things will never be the same as before. In a parenting forum, an expectant parent asked me "What changes in your life once you become a parent?". My answer was "What doesn't!"... to which several others chimed in with "Amen". When my wife and I married... we seemed like carbon copies of each other. We both went to the same collage, received the same sets of degrees, went to work is similar lines of work. There just didn't seem to be that much of a different in the two of us. Then we had children. That exposed a whole host of differences in us, and was of course a huge change.
So either your relationship will easily endure this change... or it won't... and if it won't then you didn't have an enduring relationship to begin with. But until ya'll are back together, I don't think there is much sense in worrying about the change. Wait until the two of you are back together and see if this absence doesn't bring you closer together.
Thanks for your thoughtful comments. Great insight.
I will! And thanks for support for me :)
So true. And it's in our mind every moment of every day, just like all of our experiences. The trail will always be there no matter.
illabelle
11-02-2013, 04:39
Hi Laner, and welcome! I'm not a thru-hiker, but I've sectioned about 625 miles with my husband, and I've read books and trail journals, and been in a few relationships. That all qualifies me as an expert, right? LOL! These are my thoughts, hopefully helpful to you.
Your boyfriend has set out on an adventure that is bigger than either of you. The physical, mental, and emotional demands of hiking the entire AT in one stretch are consuming! He likely has little time, means, or energy to invest in his career, his relationships, or whatever else. Every day is about endurance: staying warm, staying dry, staying oriented, staying alive, combating discouragement and depression, eating enough, finding water, taking care of his equipment and his body, walking walking walking, consulting the trail guide, planning his next resupply - again and again every day. What this means is that he's not ABLE to be attentive to you. It doesn't mean that he's rejecting you. As he's getting within view of the end, his mind and heart will be full with the weighty sense of accomplishment. He'll probably cry.
In the meantime while you're waiting for him, find your own adventure that is bigger than yourself. It could be volunteering with resettling foreign refugees (I did that for a while - very rewarding!), or investing time in a lonely kid or senior, or at the local animal shelter, or a church service activity - most anything that will be a little challenging and demanding of your time. If you do this for the next four weeks or so, you'll be in a position to share and value his sense of accomplishment!
When he gets back and adjusts to the comforts of civilization, your relationship will resume and perhaps change. His extraordinary trek will dominate his thinking, and he may want to talk about it endlessly with everybody - or he may be unable to talk about it much, and will need your help and support to begin sharing his experiences and to begin figuring out what he's learned about himself and life.
Life is tough. Change is inevitable. Don't be needy - be needed.
stranger
11-02-2013, 05:11
This has nothing to do with hiking and all to do with your relationship, me and my partner have been together for 8 years, about 2 of those years have been apart. It's no big deal for us to be apart 3-4 months but we've been through a lot and are very, very solid. She is going to Switzerland in Jan and I won't be there til May...just the way life is for us, no biggie.
You've been together for a short period, let him finish his hike and go from there, chances are this will happen again in some capacity so it's best to learn from it for next time.
Starchild
11-02-2013, 06:14
I've done the 2013 thru to change my life and with the intention of redefining all relationships, a reset so to speak. It's working beyond expectations since Sept 1 Katahdin day for me. I believe the thru changes most but the most stubborn persons. So yes he would be different (changed).
One aspect is elemiation of the need for codependency, which many relationships are based on, and I'm not using codependency in the conventional negative way of a enabler, but the trail tends to make people more co-independent, able to operate on their own and let the other HTOH (Hike their own hike), but still be together, or take some time apart if needed.
For some reason, and pressed for time, that's what I came up with. Good luck.
I think it's too easy for any one person to generalize their own experience at this. Talking with other thru's about post-trip feelings tends to validate that feeling as we easily connect, but I think the truth is that there's a lot of difference between individuals. Age is a factor, as is the overall situation that you're returning to. I did my first thru-hike in my mid 50's, and have been married for over 30 years, have lived in the same house since the mid-80's --- so I did change some, but for the most part it's been all too easy for me each time to slip back into the old ruts pretty quickly.
HikerMom58
11-02-2013, 09:51
laner... we are going to keep you company! These next 4 weeks are going to fly by.... :D Post the summit photo here! ;)
I have to admit, I was a lil nervous thinking no one was going to talk to laner... y'all are AWESOME! I (insert a big ole heart) y'all!!
you didn't mention your ages.... but the disconnect you describe sounds like more than something related to hiking. My advice is try to meet him along the trail on his hike. If you're in Boston, and he's northbound, you can hop a train, drive, etc and try to meetup along the trail. You would also learn more about the AT hiking experience, keep the chemistry and you'll know soon enough if this thing is meant to last. If not, cut it loose sooner than later and move on in life. Life is too short to waste years in bad relationship, good luck to both of you
What you guys are going through is the same thing that military folks go through after every deployment or anyone else that goes through an extended separation. Yes people change, people change everyday, but when your with someone daily you don't notice it much. Long separations and a different set of shared experiences make thing feel a little different at first. But the fundamentals of the person does not change, they are the same people they were when they left. The bottom line is it will work it self out if you let it.
Train Wreck
11-02-2013, 10:52
What you guys are going through is the same thing that military folks go through after every deployment or anyone else that goes through an extended separation. Yes people change, people change everyday, but when your with someone daily you don't notice it much. Long separations and a different set of shared experiences make thing feel a little different at first. But the fundamentals of the person does not change, they are the same people they were when they left. The bottom line is it will work it self out if you let it.
Agree.
Best comment yet.
Pedaling Fool
11-02-2013, 11:59
What you guys are going through is the same thing that military folks go through after every deployment or anyone else that goes through an extended separation. Yes people change, people change everyday, but when your with someone daily you don't notice it much. Long separations and a different set of shared experiences make thing feel a little different at first. But the fundamentals of the person does not change, they are the same people they were when they left. The bottom line is it will work it self out if you let it.
I agree.
I don't understand the idea that married couples have to spend every day together. If you're that dependent on another, then you need some variety in your interests and life.
imscotty
11-02-2013, 12:37
Laner,
There are bound to be some changes and rocky days when he gets back. Every relationship has its ups and downs. Also, be aware of the following warning from 'Miss. Janet'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOKh9fuZMAo
There is a saying among hikers that you should not quit on a rainy day. Rainy days are bound to happen. However, if you are having a good day and you still feel like you have had enough, then you will know it is really time to quit.
Thanks for all the great, thoughtful responses. I really appreciate it. It's helped me so much - gave me insight, a reality check, and some love comin' at me! I'm going to just be as supportive as I possibly can, and we'll get through this (or maybe not, and in time that will be OK, too) but one thing is that I don't regret at all 'letting' him go. He needed to do it, and I wouldn't have stood in the way of that for a million years!
PS: Loved hearing Miss Janet speak. What compassion. Very sweet.
laner... we are going to keep you company! These next 4 weeks are going to fly by.... :D Post the summit photo here! ;)
I have to admit, I was a lil nervous thinking no one was going to talk to laner... y'all are AWESOME! I (insert a big ole heart) y'all!!
If timing works out like I think it will, I hope to post my OWN (lame - only a one-time 18 mile RT hike from Amicolola LOL) summit of Springer here, b/c I hope to stash some trail magic and a note for him and his hiking companions before they finish. I think he'll want to finish with them alone, which was my idea. I don't want him to have to worry about me there at that moment. This is not about us, but him.
HikerMom58
11-03-2013, 19:47
If timing works out like I think it will, I hope to post my OWN (lame - only a one-time 18 mile RT hike from Amicolola LOL) summit of Springer here, b/c I hope to stash some trail magic and a note for him and his hiking companions before they finish. I think he'll want to finish with them alone, which was my idea. I don't want him to have to worry about me there at that moment. This is not about us, but him.
laner... that would be sweet! We would love to see the picture. :>) Def. post it! :)
You seem like a very sensitive, sweet person. If the timing works out for you, that sounds like a very nice thing to do.
Hi Laner, and welcome! I'm not a thru-hiker, but I've sectioned about 625 miles with my husband, and I've read books and trail journals, and been in a few relationships. That all qualifies me as an expert, right? LOL! These are my thoughts, hopefully helpful to you.
Your boyfriend has set out on an adventure that is bigger than either of you. The physical, mental, and emotional demands of hiking the entire AT in one stretch are consuming! He likely has little time, means, or energy to invest in his career, his relationships, or whatever else. Every day is about endurance: staying warm, staying dry, staying oriented, staying alive, combating discouragement and depression, eating enough, finding water, taking care of his equipment and his body, walking walking walking, consulting the trail guide, planning his next resupply - again and again every day. What this means is that he's not ABLE to be attentive to you. It doesn't mean that he's rejecting you. As he's getting within view of the end, his mind and heart will be full with the weighty sense of accomplishment. He'll probably cry.
In the meantime while you're waiting for him, find your own adventure that is bigger than yourself. It could be volunteering with resettling foreign refugees (I did that for a while - very rewarding!), or investing time in a lonely kid or senior, or at the local animal shelter, or a church service activity - most anything that will be a little challenging and demanding of your time. If you do this for the next four weeks or so, you'll be in a position to share and value his sense of accomplishment!
When he gets back and adjusts to the comforts of civilization, your relationship will resume and perhaps change. His extraordinary trek will dominate his thinking, and he may want to talk about it endlessly with everybody - or he may be unable to talk about it much, and will need your help and support to begin sharing his experiences and to begin figuring out what he's learned about himself and life.
Life is tough. Change is inevitable. Don't be needy - be needed.
Thanks, Illabelle! I was lucky enough to be able to hike from Katahdin to Monson with him - I can't imagine this trip without me gaining a LITTLE perspective of his hike beyond Monson. But then I just forgot - it took all y'all reminding me how grueling the trail truly is. I should have posted here about 3 months ago to be reminded again of that fact! In his time away I made some pretty large personal changes - was able to really get a GOOD look at myself and my career (SCARY at 40!), so I thank him for that opportunity. I also did my first half marathon, won 2 other races, and joined a few new running and hiking clubs - so I was able to find an outlet for my nervous energy and extra time (it was WAAAY more selfish than the things you suggest above, though! LOL). Thanks again. 3 weeks from today I fly to Atlanta...
Sad update. He fell today and had 31 stitches put in his leg and cannot finish. He says if the trail has taught him anything, it's to accept things as they are, and to be OK with it. He's sounds so peaceful. He will continue to help shuttle them to the end with the help of friends and his mother and trail angels, and I'll still see him in GA. Maybe we can do the last 350 miles together next year...
illabelle
11-05-2013, 07:47
Thanks, Illabelle! I was lucky enough to be able to hike from Katahdin to Monson with him - I can't imagine this trip without me gaining a LITTLE perspective of his hike beyond Monson. But then I just forgot - it took all y'all reminding me how grueling the trail truly is. I should have posted here about 3 months ago to be reminded again of that fact! In his time away I made some pretty large personal changes - was able to really get a GOOD look at myself and my career (SCARY at 40!), so I thank him for that opportunity. I also did my first half marathon, won 2 other races, and joined a few new running and hiking clubs - so I was able to find an outlet for my nervous energy and extra time (it was WAAAY more selfish than the things you suggest above, though! LOL). Thanks again. 3 weeks from today I fly to Atlanta...
I have admiration for anyone who has hiked in Maine! I think you understand the trail very well. Good luck with your career choices, by the way.
illabelle
11-05-2013, 07:47
Sad update. He fell today and had 31 stitches put in his leg and cannot finish. He says if the trail has taught him anything, it's to accept things as they are, and to be OK with it. He's sounds so peaceful. He will continue to help shuttle them to the end with the help of friends and his mother and trail angels, and I'll still see him in GA. Maybe we can do the last 350 miles together next year...
Oh, Laner, so sorry to hear this! The ability to accept and be at peace is good ... but such an abrupt end is hard to take. Accepting will be an ongoing process. I hope that coming back next year brings him satisfaction - although he's already accomplished a very great thing! Best of luck to you both.
HikerMom58
11-05-2013, 09:57
Oh, Laner, so sorry to hear this! The ability to accept and be at peace is good ... but such an abrupt end is hard to take. Accepting will be an ongoing process. I hope that coming back next year brings him satisfaction - although he's already accomplished a very great thing! Best of luck to you both.
Yes, I agree with illabelle. Thumbs up!
laner... don't be a stranger here! We wish you both the best! :)
Hot Flash
11-05-2013, 12:43
What you guys are going through is the same thing that military folks go through after every deployment or anyone else that goes through an extended separation. Yes people change, people change everyday, but when your with someone daily you don't notice it much. Long separations and a different set of shared experiences make thing feel a little different at first. But the fundamentals of the person does not change, they are the same people they were when they left. The bottom line is it will work it self out if you let it.
Not all of us who have significant others in the military go through this. I've been in a relationship with a career military officer for six years, and 4-1/2 of those he's been deployed overseas. We have daily communication with each other, and there is no emotional distancing estrangement while he's gone. When he steps off that plane and into my arms, it's like he never left, and there's no adjustment period whatsoever.
waterman1148
11-05-2013, 12:59
NEVER underestimate the healing power of a good dog!
Hold in there, y'all will be fine.
Just goes to show that everyone is different and we all handle separation in a different way.
My point earlier was that what the OP was going through is not unusual and like many others they can work through it.
Hot Flash, please pass to your significant other my thanks for their service!
Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using Tapatalk
NEVER underestimate the healing power of a good dog!
Hold in there, y'all will be fine.
So true! 24746
He more than likely went on that hike for himself. People rarely do that hike on a whim. Let him have his time. Don't have a fear based reaction.