What the heck am I doing?!

[susiegear]

So I have 8 days of work left and less than 2 months and I will be on Springer Mountain and it is all getting very real. Deep down I am confident in my decisions to end up in this situation but it is starting to freak me out a bit. I have a fair job with great benefits and retirement. 6 years with the company. I am cashing out my retirement to fund this trip. My wife is being supportive overall and my kids are out of the house and into college. My wife's job will cover my health insurance and my job told me I would be welcomed back in the future (not that I really want to go back, its a huge company with far too much politics) but its nice to know I can go back. I'm 39 and never expect to have a "career" so I'm OK with having a gap in my employment.
So I feel like I'm in the perfect situation, wife is OK with it, job welcomes me back, I have the money.....why is there almost a panic in my brain? I am hoping that once work is finished I can just focus on getting all of the last minute stuff together and getting to the trail.
Anyone else going thru this? I expected a bit of nervousness but not to this extreme. I have left before for weeks at a time for different trips, backpacking, canoeing, and bicycle touring but it did not feel like this. I was always on "vacation" and had a set date to return to work. I have no definitive time to be back. Anyone have any advice? Thanks!

[Lone Wolf]

So I have 8 days of work left and less than 2 months and I will be on Springer Mountain and it is all getting very real. Deep down I am confident in my decisions to end up in this situation but it is starting to freak me out a bit. I have a fair job with great benefits and retirement. 6 years with the company. I am cashing out my retirement to fund this trip. My wife is being supportive overall and my kids are out of the house and into college. My wife's job will cover my health insurance and my job told me I would be welcomed back in the future (not that I really want to go back, its a huge company with far too much politics) but its nice to know I can go back. I'm 39 and never expect to have a "career" so I'm OK with having a gap in my employment.
So I feel like I'm in the perfect situation, wife is OK with it, job welcomes me back, I have the money.....why is there almost a panic in my brain? I am hoping that once work is finished I can just focus on getting all of the last minute stuff together and getting to the trail.
Anyone else going thru this? I expected a bit of nervousness but not to this extreme. I have left before for weeks at a time for different trips, backpacking, canoeing, and bicycle touring but it did not feel like this. I was always on "vacation" and had a set date to return to work. I have no definitive time to be back. Anyone have any advice? Thanks!

my first thru-hike i was freakin' out too. i took 2 steps on the trail and all the doubt, fears, guilt etc. faded right away. just do it

[rafe]

A little panic is good for you. Keeps it real. Keeps you on your toes. Society doesn't encourage big adventures like the one you're about to do. No society does. Unless you're born into wealth and privilege.

It's not unreasonable to fret about the responsibilities back home (career, family, mortgage, etc.) That's why most thru hikers are either older or younger than you by 20 years or so.

Make peace with these demons before you go.

[rafe]

my first thru-hike i was freakin' out too. i took 2 steps on the trail and all the doubt, fears, guilt etc. faded right away. just do it

Doubt? Fear? Guilt? Lone Wolf? Does not compute.

[Puddlefish]

Transitions are always a bit strange. I'm already retired, took years to get myself back into shape, have been planning actively for half a year, bought many dollars worth of gear, yet... it took me a full day to get past the panic and buy a cheap plane ticket to Atlanta and commit to a specific date. So despite all the steady progress, time and expense to get that far, that last little transaction was "more real" to me, than all the activity before it.

It is after all, just a very long vacation. Like all vacations, you'll spend the first few days de-stressing from your normal routine, and the last few days worrying about going back to your normal routine, whatever that may be. It's all the days in between that will be enjoyable, challenging, interesting, and hopefully only occasionally frustrating.

[mtntopper]

I just wonder how wise it is to cash out retirement to fund a thru hike? Maybe at 59 but at 39 not so wise.

[Kristeninmb]

If you read Appalachian Trials, you will read that much of this "trip" is mental. I over think everything. HYOH and in the word of Yoda. Do, or no do.
No try. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!! ( the last is me not Yoda)

[PackHorse]

I just wonder how wise it is to cash out retirement to fund a thru hike? Maybe at 59 but at 39 not so wise.

The title of the thread is " What the heck am I doing? " I agree, what the heck are you doing? Everybody makes their own decisions and there's always the argument that something may happen and you wouldn't get to do it later. But I will never sacrifice my family's future for my immediate pleasure. Now, if I had saved special money and had re-entry planned, yes. But just me.

[Puddlefish]

The title of the thread is " What the heck am I doing? " I agree, what the heck are you doing? Everybody makes their own decisions and there's always the argument that something may happen and you wouldn't get to do it later. But I will never sacrifice my family's future for my immediate pleasure. Now, if I had saved special money and had re-entry planned, yes. But just me.

As far as mid life crisis'es go, I've seen worse (which admittedly is a low standard.) His kids are off to college, his employer says they'll take him back. Cashing out the retirement does seem inefficient financially because of the tax hit. It's only six years of funds, and the $6K or so needed to hike the trail, isn't a huge amount that will make or break a financial future.

[Coffee]

Cashing out a retirement fund is a very expensive way to fund a hike. Taxes and penalties are atrocious for anyone under 59 1/2 years old.

[Spirit Walker]

Why are you waiting 2 months to hike? Getting ready for an AT thruhike takes about a week, if you have made no prior preparation. Better to hike now and get home sooner, or work another month and a half, and save the money to hike on.

As to your question - pre-hike nerves are very common. You're making a major change in your life and that of your family. You don't have control over the outcome. You don't know whether you'll be one of the 20% that make it, or the 80% that don't. You don't know whether it will be worthwhile. It's scary. Before my first hike, I was sleeping about 5 hours a night. I'd wake up before dawn after dreaming of the trail as I imagined it to be. I was excited, but I also feared the unknown and wondered whether I would be able to do what I set out to accomplish. As LW said, after a few days on the trail, all the fears and doubts will disappear. You'll only be concerned with getting through each day, each section. The world you left behind will feel very remote. Present moment living at its finest.

[susiegear]

I don't feel that taking my retirement is irresponsible at all, nor does my wife. I did not mention in my first post but I have a health condition that will probably not allow me to get to the age to retire. It should not affect my hiking right now but might in the future. I also don't think of this as a mid life crisis or anything like that. I'm pretty happy in my life other than my job. I have a great family, get to go on great adventures fairly frequently, although they are much shorter trips, and am overall pretty content with things. The first time I saw the trail I was 13 years old and have had a strong interest in it ever since. I have been training for the last couple of years on the SHT in Minnesota. I am only taking off the time between quitting my job and heading for the trail to finish up my retirement paperwork and get that all finalized and spend time out of state with family. They say 4-6 weeks for the retirement stuff. I'm ready to hit the trail today but just have to finish up some loose ends on the home front.

[susiegear]

Also, I understand the tax hit. I will lose about 12,000$ in this whole deal.It is a lot of money but not really in the whole scheme of things. If I were losing 50k I would definitely think more about it but 13000 is not the end of the world

[susiegear]

That should have said 12,000

[bemental]

It's your life, and your money - but considering you could completely acquire all the gear you'd need for a hike (and have plenty left over), and budget on-the-trail cash with just the money you're losing on cashing out your retirement fund makes me think there's got to be a better way to fund this thing.

Since you've already purchased all of your gear, is there any way you can put aside say $500 a month from your wife's job while you're on the trail? That should be plenty spending money for you I would think, especially if you manage it wisely.

Also, retirement plans are required by the IRS to detail their stipulations for 'hardship distributions' (if there are any), meaning ways in which you can pull your cash from a retirement fund before retirement without most of the nasty tax penalties. Medical bills are exactly the sort of thing that would fall under hardship distributions, so don't sell yourself short by taking such a huge hit by withdrawing your hard-earned retirement savings early.

https://www.irs.gov/Retirement-Plans...istributions#1

[susiegear]

Spending my retirement isn't so much my concern. Like I said, losing 12k isn't the end of the world. Life should be an adventure and that's the plan. With my health the drs tell me I will be lucky to make it another 15 -20 years with current medical technology. My mother had the same condition and lived to be 56. I have taken care of my family for the future with life insurance and have worked hard to pay the mortgage off. We are nearly debt free and our expenses are very minimal. I know most people might not feel this way but I also feel that we are in a bit of different circumstances of most my age.

My worry about the trip isn't about money.

[Lone Wolf]

Spending my retirement isn't so much my concern. Like I said, losing 12k isn't the end of the world. Life should be an adventure and that's the plan. With my health the drs tell me I will be lucky to make it another 15 -20 years with current medical technology. My mother had the same condition and lived to be 56. I have taken care of my family for the future with life insurance and have worked hard to pay the mortgage off. We are nearly debt free and our expenses are very minimal. I know most people might not feel this way but I also feel that we are in a bit of different circumstances of most my age.

My worry about the trip isn't about money.

a month after i turned 50 i had a major heart attack and emergency open heart surgery 3 hours later. i died 4 times in the hospital. do the hike. don't ask anyone else for advice

[susiegear]

Thanks Lone Wolf. I was in rough shape in the hospital 3 years ago. To the point of the drs telling my wife to get any family(which they knew were all out of state) that would want to see me as soon as possible. When I made it out of the hospital a couple of weeks later I decided that I really needed to set my mind on doing the trail. I think being close to death really changed my perspective on living.

[Traveler]

Curious, would this medical condition impact your health on the trail?

[susiegear]

My hematologist gave me the go ahead. said I would be better to go sooner than later. I will have my meds with me and a Delorme inreach just for emergency sake.